04x03 - Beluga Caviar

[bunniefuu]

Josh: Previously on Please Like Me...

Josh: Hello, friends!

Josh? We're moving out.

Oh, no. I have had it up to here with things.

Do you even like me?

I live with you!

Oh, no. What's wrong?

I so think we have to break up.

You had to do this here, now?

We're single?

Yeah, single ready to mingle!

Josh.

f*ck. No, no, no, no, no!

Beluga caviar?

f*ck!

All of a sudden I'm housemates with Vladimir Putin.

(LAUGHS)

Arnold got that for me for Valentine's Day.

Oh, it expired on Sunday.

sh*t.

How much is that?

Like, $150.

$150?

How did you forget to eat $150 worth of caviar?

Well, Tom, we were waiting for the perfect moment but then it never came.

Well, that's poetic.

Maybe it's still good?

That was f*cking creepy.

That's how you taste caviar!

Is it okay to eat?

I don't know. I've never had it before and it tastes sort of off but, like, in a good way.

Yeah, I'm into it.

'Cause it tastes like p*ssy?

Mm.

If that's what you taste like then I just... you need to change something.

Hey, do you know what I think you'd really love?

Like, a really pretty guy with, like, cute curly hair, and a very good BMI, like, does lots of nice compliments...

Oh, yeah?

Very smart and does surprisingly romantic things and maybe he's got a bit of money but he's not arrogant.

Yeah, Arnold is quite good. Yep.

Yeah.

But you just can't make yourself love him.

Not anymore.

For me, the question here is, what's wrong with you?

Face.

Is that a speck of mould?

I don't know.

Just eat around it.

I love you.

I am feeling optimistic and enthusiastic about my dating future.

♪ One, two. One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I left better behind ♪
♪ I'll be fine, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Make my mamma turn another blind eye ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

♪ I'll be fine ♪

A bus is here. I mean, this just must be him.

Why is Tom still talking to the real estate agent?

Is it a girl with low self-esteem?

This house is so ugly and he's pretending it isn't.

No one got out.

Why did no one get out?

(GRINDR NOTIFICATION ALERT)

He just messaged and said that he's ten minutes away.

He's said that quite a lot.

Many times.

(GRINDR NOTIFICATION ALERT)

Oh, no, Ella, he just said he's in school uniform and hopes that's okay.

Is that okay?

Josh, how old is this boy?

I don't know, it doesn't say on his profile.

I mean, he looks adult. I promise he looks like an adult.

Ask him.

Yeah.

(GRINDR ALERT)

He's 18.

That's quite young. Who do you think you are?

Tom?

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

(GRINDR ALERT)

Oh, God.

What?

He wants me to pee on him.

Will you pee on him?

I don't know, it just seems I'm a bit young to start experimenting that hard with my sex life.

He's 18.

Kids these days! Am I right?

So many people just love being peed on.

(GRINDR ALERT)

He says he won't come if I don't pee on him.

He hasn't left yet? What's going on?

Should I just pee on him? I mean, I've already come this far.

Yeah, I vote yes.

All right, I'm saying yes.

(SQUEALS)

You said I should!

I'm not sure that I thought it through!

Oh, no, he just said he's in a wheelchair and he hopes that's okay.

Oh, no...

Oh, no.

You know what's happening here, don't you?

Yeah, this boy doesn't exist.

You're talking to perhaps an anonymous group of friends at a party and they are laughing at you for agreeing to pee on a school kid.

Yep.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling like I learnt a lot about myself and the world.

Maybe you guys want to hang out with me, yeah?

Oh, I wish. We've got so many more houses to look at.

What's all this, then?

I've taken up boxing training.

Mum: She's just showing off.

You're gonna be a million dollar baby.

Million dollar baby was thin and fit.

And rich and dead.

See, some women can have it all.

Sounds fun. Maybe I'll join you. Maybe I'll do some boxing.

No son of mine is going to be hitting people for fun, Josh.

I'll only hit bad guys.

Like robbers, etc.

Why can't you ever take my side?

I mean, I take your side plenty, don't I?

You liked boxing yesterday. You should have been here then.

You would've been on her side. Maybe come back tomorrow?

Stop talking about me as though I'm not even here!

Hello! Am I here?

Can anybody hear me?

Mum, we're just playing, okay. Calm down.

Hannah, go to your room.

I've been grounded again.

You can go too, Josh.

Okay, see ya.

See ya, little munchkin.

Oh, piss off!

She's a little munchkin.

Piss off!

Man: Okay.

This is me when I have my plastic surgery.

Looks good, better.

(LAUGHS)

When are you back so we can do sex things?

Two weeks, but we can't do sex things.

Why not? Why can't we do sex things?

I have a girlfriend now.

A girlfriend?

Yeah. A girlfriend.

And you do sex with her?

Yes.

Well, that's cool, isn't it?

Very modern.

(ELLA BURPS)

Tom: Did you just burp?

Yeah.

I'm sick of sexuality being fluid.

I miss the days when your gays were gay, your straights were straight and your bisexuals were lying.

Man: Last time I tried to fly it was so embarrassing.

I got so scared when we hit a bit of turbulence and I accidentally grabbed the hand of the man next to me.

There isn't anywhere safer than in a plane.

I mean, it's such a controlled environment.

Like, there's such a bigger chance that I m*rder you right now than you'll die in a plane crash.

Don't you think?

I have never seen anyone more scared of flying than me.

I'm such a baby about it. It's so embarrassing.

Just, what I think, I think the key is, right, is to just stop being afraid of death altogether.

Don't you think it's a little bit arrogant to be scared of dying?

Like, in the grand scheme of things, like the billions people and the millions of years and the stardust and the mammoths, and... Taylor Swift, I dunno, it just seems like... like you don't really matter that much.

You know?

Wow, I'm cured.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, I fixed it.

He cured me, Bastion.

Yeah.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

I'm sorry.

Hey, Ma. I'm sorry, I can't really talk.

Josh, Hannah has been ignoring me.

She hasn't spoken to me for days and I didn't do anything at all.

She's just being so mean to me.

I'm sorry, Mum. I'm on a date and I have to go.

You aren't on a date.

I am on a date.

No, you're just trying to get rid of me.

Is it really so hard for you to believe that I'm on a date?

You are lying, Joshua.

I know when you're lying. I'm your mother.

You're just trying to get rid of me.

Can you please tell my mother you exist?

I exist.

Oh, hello.

Okay?

Oh, fine!

Do you want to punch?

The bag.

Not me. Don't punch me.

You have a lot of big books, you must be pretty smart.

I'm a podiatrist.

I don't know why I said that about the books. Okay, I have books.

I want you to know that. Like, it's not weird to me.

Like, I'm smart.

Yeah.

Yeah, Okay, now we're both smart.

Thank you.

I probably have nicer feet, though.

I mean, I used to have real bad ingrown toenails but they're fine now.

Is... is that a good anecdote for you?

Is that the kind of anecdote you like to hear?

It was until you said you're okay now.

There's no money in healthy toenails.

You're a good kisser.

Don't really know what that means.

(SIGHS) Just give me a minute.

I like to smoke a bit before sex.

Do you want some?

No, thank you.

Is that meth?

Yeah. I just have a little bit.

Sure, of course.

It's Tuesday night, after all.

He smoked meth. Actual meth.

Yep. He's a podiatrist and he had a terrarium and it tricked me into thinking that it's okay to smoke meth.

What did you do?

Uh, well, I waited for him to finish smoking his meth and then we had sex, which... I would've thought that I wouldn't have had sex with someone after they smoked meth, but no, there I was doing it.

Turns out I am surprisingly easygoing.

Could you get me a glass of water?

Yeah.

You're Aboriginal, yeah?

I'm Wurundjeri on my mum's side.

That's cool.

Is it cool, is it?

Very cool, very chic. I'm stuck being white.

White people are the worst.

Some of my best friends are white.

Well, all of mine are.

All right, it's not a competition.

I feel very awkward and weird about how horrible we've been.

Really, I do. I feel quite anxious talking about it.

I'm sorry you feel anxious. I shouldn't have brought it up.

So we went quite hard on the m*rder and the r*pe and the oppression thing, didn't we?

Yep.

Not me. I didn't. I wouldn't.

I would never, I promise.

Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.

Yeah.

My great-granddad though, whoa. I mean, he probably would have.

You know, he would be furious to see me here on a date with you.

It's presumptuous to call this a date.

It's sort of a date.

Is it a date, or the world's worst application for Young Australian of the Year?

I mean, we didn't let Aboriginal people go to school until, like, 30 years ago.

Yep. I know. I guarantee you I know all about this.

f*ck, that's recent, you know what I mean?

Like, that's very... f*ck, sh*t, that's like your parents' generation, you know?

And then you get all these white people, who are not me, and they're furious about these programs that are just aimed at helping Aboriginal communities catch up, and it's just very, like...

It's all very... just a bit sh*t, you know?

Like, everyone's just still so r*cist.

Not me, obviously.

Because I am here on a date with you.

Thank heavens.

A lucky boy.

(SIGHS)

I mean, you can't hail a taxi, can you?

Like, taxis aren't stopping for Aboriginal people, are they?

Oh, you're probably fine. I mean, you're so tidy.

If you go out in an unironed shirt, then I just...

I mean, have you ever successfully hailed a taxi in an unironed shirt?

Oh, I don't go out in unironed shirts.

Okay.

I mean, taxis, they just stop for me.

You know, sorry, but they do. They just stop.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Even if I don't iron, they just stop for me.

You keep going on about this, I'm not going to have sex with you.

Are you... are you maybe gonna have sex with me?

I've come this far.

No. I don't think you should, to be honest.

I mean, haven't my people already put you through enough?

He gave me a Hickey. Look at it.

Urgh!

Yeah. Look what he did to me.

That is so creepy. That is actually so creepy.

He's trying to mark you.

I mean, I can't go and see Arnold with a Hickey.

Temporary tattoo.

I've got one of a scorpion.

How do I convince him I wanted a tattoo of a scorpion?

Say a kid did it.

What? That is just the stupid...

That is so unbelievable.

You could just wear a scarf.

Yeah, I thought about that, but then what if we get naked?

You're gonna get naked with Arnold?

I really don't want to, but also I'm a very sh*t guy, and if he's standing there looking cute and he's forward enough, then of course I will.

Of course, of course.

Scratch it with a stick so it looks like you fell out of a tree?

(SIGHS HEAVILY) Oh, um... I mean, I don't like the idea of the pain, but I do like in him thinking that I'm happy enough to climb trees.

Yeah!

Google says to use toothpaste.

No, that's not a true thing. Toothpaste isn't magic.

You could just try it.

Then I won't be able to try the stick.

Why?

Because if I have to wait till tomorrow to see if the toothpaste works the scratch will be too fresh to have believably bruised.

I mean, I don't think I can convince him that I wanted to climb a tree.

Is it there?

Yep.

Just quiet.

(SQUEAKS)

Ahhhhh!

How is it?

Oh, yeah.

It's good.

Yeah, it's good.

This has been such a productive day.

Who gave you a Hickey? And why do you have a scratch on your neck?

I've been doing mischief.

Oooh!

Are you dating already?

Is he fun?

I feel optimistic and enthusiastic about the future.

What's the Arnold status?

He was meant to come over today but he didn't show up.

Oh, did he say why?

He said something came up.

Oh, that's vague.

Yeah, and that's his whole shtick.

Well, it's a sh*t shtick.

Jeez, I'm getting sick of this mysterious business he's doing.

You're not Willy Wonka, Arnold!

Grow up and pull your bloody head in.

I know you've got mental issues, but Christ, boy, you can't play with people willy-nilly.

Because he's not Willy Wonka?

Yeah, he can't play willy-nilly because he's not Willy Wonka, yes.

But he look like Willy Wonka, right?

I've seen him in velvet pants.

(GASPS) He is Willy Wonka! (LAUGHS)

Yeah.

Don't try and Oompa-Loompa your way out of this one, Wonka.

This is Josh's heart!

Mm-hm!

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hannah Banana.

Your mum just ran away from home, Josh.

When?

About 12 seconds ago.

Do you think she's thinking of k*lling herself?

No. I mean, she packed bags.

Do you think she's expecting to get into heaven?

Okay. What happened?

Oh, you know.

She was just getting really intense and I told her to piss off, but I didn't mean out of the house.

I just wanted her out of my knee circle.

Okay. Cool. I'll call her and find her.

Thanks for calling and letting me know. Seriously, okay. Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, bye. Can you please pull over?

Sure. Is everything okay?

I think it will be. Do you?

Oh, I think so.

Hi, Ma.

Thank you!

You're running away from home?

Yes.

Where to?

I haven't decided yet.

Okay. Hannah said you had a fight.

I don't know why she's being so mean to me.

Did you ask her?

No, she didn't listen. She never speaks.

She could basically be a Buddhist monk if she didn't drink so much chocolate milk.

All right. Well, then... What's the plan now?

I guess that I go home and I confront Hannah.

No, please don't. Just not today.

Just let things calm down a bit, maybe, yeah?

Okay. I won't talk to her, then.

No... obviously you should talk to her, just maybe not today.

Fine, fine!

Do you want to go and do something fun?

No. No...

I've worn myself out.

I feel quite silly.

Yep.

Yeah, you've been a little silly.

Just...

Just, yeah...

(HEADBOARD BANGS)

Boo.

What?

The condom broke.

Oh, f*ck.

I hope you're not expecting child support.

You look scared.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's just a little scary, isn't it?

It's okay. I just got tested.

Let's have a shower.

Do I have anything to worry about?

Mm-mm. No, I'm very responsible.

I'm like the Hermione of using condoms.

Isn't Hermione's only downfall her hygiene?

She's a hot mess.

Okay. Um, when was the last time you got tested?

Well, I don't really get tested, because I'm always so safe.

Right.

I lied because I wanted you to stop looking scared.

But I told the truth this time, so I think it's okay.

Yeah.

Should we get PEP? Do we have to get PEP?

What is PEP?

Seriously? You don't know what PEP is?

I feel judged.

PEP is like the morning after pill, but for HIV.

Okay, cool. Let's get PEP.

It's not that easy, though, is it?

It can make you sort of quite ill sometimes.

sh*t.

It's fine.

I had chronic fatigue for two years. I can handle it.

(LAUGHS UNCERTAINLY)

I think we should go and get tested for HIV together instead.

I know it's not perfect, but I think it's fine.

I think it's acceptable risk.

Okay.

Okay.

How many sexual partners have you had in the last six months?

Um...

Roughly?

12.

Is that a lot?

How many of those partners did you do receptive a**l sex with?

Only, like, two. Yeah.

I know I seem really bottomy, but actually I really don't like it.

How many have you had penetrative a**l sex with?

10.

And how many were just oral?

Oh, we're including just oral?

I didn't know we were including just oral, I'm sorry.

Um... Then it's like 16, I think. Is that a lot?

I mean, 16, that seems like a lot, doesn't it?

I'm just trying to, like, get myself out there, you know?

Just trying to meet people and exist in the world.

You know what I mean?

Just trying to live.

Mm-hm.

You don't care.

That should take about 20 minutes.

Hey, do you want to hear something interesting?

Gosh, you've hyped it up, haven't you?

Last time I was at the hospital my gran d*ed.

(LAUGHS)

Sorry.

Awkward for you.

It's fine.

So it was all very sad, and we left the room.

Then as I was heading down the hall I see from her doorway that we've left the light on, and she hates wasting electricity.

So I went to turn it off, but when I get there, the light isn't on.

It's her body. Her body was actually emanating the glow.

She was such a kind woman that her spirit was glowing with light.

No.

What do you mean, no?

No.

No, you're doing tricking.

What are you talking about?

I'm telling you a story about my dead grandma.

No, no, no. You're doing, like...

I know it's a gamble here, but you're doing, like... you're trying to embarrass me.

Right?

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

No.

No, you're tricking, aren't you?

No.

Mum: Hannah, could you come in here?

We have to talk.

You need to start paying rent.

Obviously you don't think of me as a friend. You're just using me.

So either you contribute properly or you be a proper friend.

The choice is yours.

I don't want to be dramatic about it but I just feel I've got to start standing up for myself.

Enough is enough, okay? I won't be walked over.

What have you got to say about that?

My first fight went better than expected.

Oh, did you win?

No, I did not.

No, of course you didn't.

Yeah, of course not.

What?

Rose, I think I should just move out.

Why would you do that?

I just don't think we're very good for each other.

I didn't really want you to pay rent.

I know.

Where would you go?

I'll think of something.

Okay. It's good.

If you want to go, you just go, then.

I'm sure you'll easily find someone much better than me.

How was it?

Yeah, well, so I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is, neither of us have HIV.

I want a second opinion.

Ha-ha! The bad news is that he thinks his grandma glows in the dark.

(LAUGHS) That's a shame.

So that's that done.

But do you remember the boy who's Aboriginal, which doesn't define him, but I just need, like, a very quick way of letting you know which boy I'm talking about?

We've been chatting, I invited him out again, it's going very well, I think, and I feel very optimistic and enthusiastic about the future.

Good.

Great.

(GRINDR NOTIFICATION)

That's him.

He just wants to be friends. So...

Oh, no! Why did I do that, Tom?

No, I need my phone to be capable of feeling joy!

I'll get some rice!

(LAUGHS)

Hi, I'm Josh. I'm not here. I'm sorry. Leave a message. Goodbye.

(BEEP!)

I don't want to do this via voice-mail.

It just seems so harsh saying this like this.

But... okay, Josh...

I've started seeing someone else.

It's new but I like it.

I just... I thought you deserve to know.

Guys! I'm sick of this game.

I know it was my idea but sometimes I have bad ideas.

I don't like seeking.

I'm lonely!

Guys!

(CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES)

Guys!

(TAPPING ON DOOR, DOG BARKS)

Oh, my God.

There's someone at the door. I don't want to answer it!

(TAPPING CONTINUES, DOG BARKS)

Hi, Rose.

Oh, where's Josh?

Why isn't he answering his phone?

I don't know where he is. I don't know where anyone is.

Oh, Josh!

Josh!

You'd better come out now.

Your mum's here and she is very upset that you've been ignoring her calls.

I already looked in there.

Where is he? What's he doing?

Well, we're playing hide-and-seek, but they take it too seriously!

Now I don't even know if it's fun anymore.

That's ridiculous.

I tried to talk to Hannah like you said, and she left, Joshua!

Yeah, Joshua!

I'm going to give you a count of one to five and then...

One!

This is exciting.

What happens if you get to five?

Two!

I tell everybody how much he loved holding my hand when he was a teenager.

Three!

Four!

Five!

My phone broke.

That is such a good hiding spot.

I didn't want her to leave, Josh.

I wanted her to change.

Now, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

I don't know.

Why did you tell me to talk to her?

I don't know. It's just what people say to do, isn't it?

Get out of there.

Okay.

What?

Well, I'm stuck, aren't I?

You are not.

I am! (LAUGHS) I'm very stuck.

No, you're just saying that so you can divert attention from me. Now get out!

Mum, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever do anything that'll make you proud of me.

Tom: I win!

Tom!