01x05 - No Bad Ideas

[bunniefuu]

♪

Hi.

Yep, you guessed it: I'm a millennial. Which means I hate labels, like "millennial." Today, we're gonna teach you how to get the most out of us, like how you can take an ordinary work task...

Could you please refill the coffee maker?

And M.I.C. it up!

Announcer: Make It Cool!

I have a dope idea for a viral video.

It's you refilling the coffee maker!

But first, we'll show you how to manage with P.A.C.E.

Announcer: Praise Above Criticism Everytime. Recent scientists have proven that we millennials are like flowers that wilt in the shade of criticism and blossom in the rays of praise.

Hey, Esther, how you doing?

Ugh, last night I had the most annoying three-way.

Okay!

Attention, precious flowers: I, Jack Gordon, have completed my millennial sensitivity training, which means I get to boss you ass-clowns around.

"I'm Jack, and yelling at kids makes me feel young again!"

"Whatever happened to wearing a suit to a baseball game?"

Are you guys making fun of Jack?

Okay, hold on, I got one, I got one.

"I'm Jack Gordon, and every shirt looks great on me."

[laughs]

"You can open a beer on my calves.

Durby-durby-durba!"

Got him!

That's an accurate impersonation of me right down to my beloved catchphrase, "Durdy-durdy-durdy."

Brooke: Dixon, you can't quit!

You're one week into a three-month internship.

There's no way I'm missing Bonnaroo to refill printer paper.

But I tried to "Make It Cool!"

By freestyle rapping about it?

Dixon out.

Just give me a few seconds of that rap and I promise I will only watch it every day of my life.

That is the third intern we've lost this month.

I'm so tired of dealing with these uppity products of nepotism.

Tell me about it, only daughter of our wealthy British publisher.

HR stresses diversity, but then why do they stick me with the same rich, white interns?

Brooke, I've been to the most dangerous places in the world...

Iraq, Sudan...

But there's one place I refuse to go, and that's this conversation.

Just pick the next intern yourself.

I would, but I have to do Clark's performance review.

Oh! Oh, me!

Over here! Me, right here!

Please, let me do it!

Okay, the last time you got this excited about Clark was when you realized you could fit him inside the inter-office mail bin.

Yeah, and if you hadn't interfered, he would be Accounts Payable's problem right now.

Look, he's a smart kid and he's sweet, but he needs mentoring, just like Roland mentored me.

My dad got you drunk, then left you tied to a dog sled 200 miles from Anchorage.

What you call "mentoring" is now known as "bullying."

I just want to help him become a better writer and then it would make the magazine better.

And I learned a lot from those dogs: teamwork, leadership, how to drop a deuce on the run...

All right, all right, fine.

All you have to do is read the review, which is already typed up.

"I'm M.C. Brooke and I'm here to say, 'Who swiped all the A4 from the paper tray?'"

Give me that back!

Here is Clark's review.

And Jack, remember, you can't go barking orders at people like you do on one of your life-or-death expeditions.

You're in an office now.

Look.

The stakes have never been lower.

I can handle zero-pressure situations.

I get it.

This is the small time.

♪

[phone ringing]

Clark Robertson, performance review: take one.

Our young hero enters and sits.

And our young hero is out of breath.

Are you all right, Clark?

Yeah, just excited.

And also I think I'm allergic to most of the carpets in the office.

But what am I gonna do, not work here?

[laughing]

Don't spoil the ending.

All right, "Clark, you are a gift to Outdoor Limits."

"Your enthusiasm, work ethic, and ridonk story ideas have more than earned you the nickname 'Junior Jack. ""

Why do you know all the words?

Does Brooke let you see this beforehand?

No! No, no, no, no.

She lets us write them.

What?!

Under "Where Do You See Yourself in Six Months," you wrote...

"Jack's friend."

Clark, when I'm on an expedition, there's no time for any of this.

People do what I say, or they die... to death.

So take a guess why I haven't responded to any of your pitches for a feature article.

You don't know how to check email.

You're a decent writer, but look what you're writing about.

Last week, you interviewed Andreas Jansen, the premier free diver in the world.

And what was your question?

"Which Gilmore Girl are you?"

He said Lauren Graham!

That's crazy!

Then the next article, you followed that up with, "I Gave a Pig a Cantaloupe: You'll Never Guess What Happened."

Let me guess: he ate it.

He ate it.

Listen, those get us a lot of hits.

Because they're clickbait!

Okay, I have written at least ten articles that are not clickbait.

You'll never guess what number four was.

Look, it's great that you can write stuff that generates hits, but real articles have substance, and you'll never get a feature until you understand that.

Okay, now, what issue of yours should we move on to next?

Your horrible grammar, urinal etiquette, or should we just go straight to the unfixables?

Cut!

Do you really think my urinal etiquette is fixable?

You don't have to pull your pants all the way down.

Hey, you two.

Who's up for a fun assignment?

You had me at "fun."

And lost me at "assignment."

I was hoping to get some help in selecting the new intern, the priority of course being diversity.

And you're asking us because...

Because...

Zeb: I think she asked you because you're black and Asian.

No, that's not what I said!

Don't put words into my mouth, Zeb.

I actually don't see color.

Whoa.

I only see color?

Whoa!

Oh, I'm sorry, I just...

[sighs]

Guys...

"Guys"?

Oh, brother.

"Brother"?

Zeb: Someone please describe Brooke's face to me right now.

What did I ever do to you, Zeb?

Zeb: Uh, make me live in a tent for 30 days?

Brooke, relax, we're just messing with you.

It's actually kind of cool what you're trying to do here.

Okay, thank you, Mason.

And for the record, I only asked you two to help with the diversity hire because you're the first two people I saw.

Zeb: Oh, so you were looking for white people but then settled for them?

Not what I said!

Wazzzuuuppp?!

Wazzzuuuppp?!

Do you think we're the last two people still doing that?

Definitely.

You look happy.

Yeah, I just gave Clark a classic performance review, like the ones that Roland used to give me.

Those were the only times I ever saw you cry.

That and when you lost your pet tortoise.

Gary Turtlepants is not lost.

He is out there somewhere, trying to get home.

And he is scared.

I know he is.

But I bet you he's really proud of how you're adjusting to your new job.

[phone ringing]

Remember these things?

Excuse me.

Eddie's.

Yeah, he's here.

Yeah, I'll send him back.

That was your office.

HR is looking for you.

Are you in trouble?

Will, since they knew to find me in a bar in the middle of a workday, I'm gonna go with yes.

Welcome, Mr. Gordon.

Uh, is this where I play while my mom and dad use the gym?

Our younger workforce prefers a safe space.

We're all adjusting.

For instance, I realized I can no longer wear a skirt.

[clears throat]

This is about your recent performance review of Clark.

Hi, what are you in for?

Excessive hotness?

I'm Clark's mom.

[laughs]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

My son played me the video of his performance review.

Clark showed his mom his performance review?

Clark brought his mom into work?

Clark's mom is hot?

What is happening?!

No one speaks to my son the way you did.

Oh, yeah they do.

Did you see the footage?

Growing up, Clark had ten heroes.

You'll never guess who number three was.

Oh my God, you are Clark's mom.

And I had to build him up a lot just to get him to try out for soccer, or write for the school paper, or believe he was tall enough to enter the pageant circuit.

What was his talent?

Sweating?

And now you're sweat-shaming him.

Jack, your review crushed him.

Oh, come on, I didn't crush him.

Get ready, Clark, because I'm about to crush you. I'm genuinely convinced your articles are making our country dumber. Your email signature is just the poop emoji. Stop talking about Hamilton!

Okay, so I was tough on him, but he's never gonna learn if he can't take criticism.

Look, when I'm up on the mountain...

You're no longer up on the mountain!

In this office, we practice P.A.C.E....

"Praise Above Criticism Everytime."

That says "Diversity is Yummy."

Did they move the poster?

I can't turn around in these chairs.

Look, Clark is really...

...full of energy, and he definitely...

...works here.

But I have to think of the magazine first.

And so do I.

That's why I asked Philip to shadow you to make sure you comply.

You're giving me a babysitter, and it's Philip?

The guy that had to conduct sexual harassment seminars with a magazine over his lap?

He's working on that!

Any more criticism of Clark and you'll be demoted to a non-leadership position and suspended without pay.

This meeting is over.

I wouldn't get up yet, Philip.

Philip, you don't need to follow me.

I'm committed to helping Clark.

I'm not going to ridicule him. [laughing]

Nice vest.

Marty McFly called...

...and I let it go to voicemail.

So, uh, what are you up to?

Just trying to cheer myself up with some photos from Saturday.

My Frisbee golf team and I got hopped up on Bacardi Breezers and went to a silent disco.

That sounds fun.

You sound like a fun guy with friends that are cool.

And fun.

Jack, you're being super nice to me.

Are you dying?

A little.

So, let's talk about your ideas that are worth my time and attention.

Well, I was thinking, you know, you've done a lot of stories about living with animals in the wild.

What if we flipped that and we got the animals to come here to the office as a commentary on...

Never mind, you look disgusted.

No, no, I'm not disgusted.

This is my thinking face.

Oh, cool.

Okay, see, it's animals posing as office workers.

Here's a mock-up I put together.

Wow, I can tell by your face you're really thinking hard right now.

Yes, that looks convincing, realistic...

Plus, these apex predators will simply love flash photography.

Seriously?

So can we plan the photo sh**t for tomorrow?

Who could say no to that?

Anybody?

Do you like this idea, Philip?

We can usually tell when you like something.

Okay, so I have all the diversity candidates here.

I've arranged them into piles based on the standard diversity categories.

Wait, you segregated the résumés?

Which I now realize was a bad idea.

So many qualified candidates: African Americans, Hispanics, some gay people...

Whoa!

Hold on!

Now you're just throwing labels around.

Yeah, most labels lead to wrong assumptions.

Like just because I'm Asian, people assume I'm great at math.

But I totally suck at it.

Okay, no labels.

So, uh, Maria Vasquez, of indeterminate origin.

Looks like she actually might be...

Whoa!

Hold on!

What is it this time?

Uh, you said "she" and attached a gender label to Maria like you didn't get woke two minutes ago!

I'm woke!

You know I'm woke!

Anyway, what am I supposed to say instead?

"They" or "them."

Wait, so I call her "they"?

No, you call them "they"

So if I call they "them," they would appreciate it.

No, if you call them "them" they'll appreciate it.

Okay, Maria's out.

Oh, so now you're outing her?

Now you're outing them!

Okay, me is calling this meeting.

By tomorrow, please narrow these 43 candidates down to six.

So we're only going to meet with 13.95% of the candidates?

I lied before.

I'm actually incredible at math.

This is so exciting!

My first real feature!

But I'm a little worried we might not get all the sh*ts we need.

Oh, I'm sure the crime scene photographer will take plenty.

Esther: Hey, that leopard's being a real diva.

He won't let us duct tape a cigar to his paw.

But we need that for the "fat cat" sh*t!

Aw, next you're gonna tell me he doesn't want to wear the monocle.

I know, right?

Also, is it bad if a timber wolf eats a two-month supply of ADD meds?

No, not at all.

At least now he'll be completely focused...

On k*lling us.

This is all falling apart.

What am I doing wrong, Jack?

Well, I really can't answer that, but I can get some of the more adorable animals to safety.

That includes this lemur.

And me.

Uh, so everyone, be still!

Remember, no sudden good ideas.

What is wrong with me?

I literally couldn't stop offending Mason and Emma.

I'm supposed to be the millennial whisperer.

Oh, Brooke, you'll always be that sad nickname that you gave yourself.

Come on, diversity in the workplace isn't as hard as it seems.

Then again, I'm self-employed, so I completely nailed it.

What's wrong, Jack?

I'm just in my head about what I should do about Clark.

Jack, you tried giving praise and you tried being harsh.

Now what do you think you should try?

Ah!

Double down on being harsh.

Do I have to solve everyone's problems?

You have to stop doubting yourself and take action.

You have to stop being the mentor you needed and be the mentor Clark needs.

And you?

I've got no problem with you.

You're cute as hell.

But you're also a giant rat, so you all gotta get out of here.

Sorry!

Brooke, we've been waiting for you.

We settled on the candidate hours ago.

Why didn't you just do some other work?

It honestly didn't occur to us.

Brooke?

Just wanted to let you know we went ahead and hired our new intern.

What?

He came very highly recommended.

By his father, who's our magazine's biggest advertiser.

Connor Worthington?

Under interests, it says "Tom Brady" and "belts with little whales on them".

Under career objectives, it just says "Make America Lit Again."

This is unacceptable!

Diversity is, like the poster says, "yummy."

I am sorry, but I insist the position be filled by...

Sunitha Patel.

I'm sure they'll be an excellent addition to our team, and I'm very excited to meet them.

As long as they know how to refill toner, them's hired.

Pretty woke.

I thought so, too.

That felt amazing!

Sunitha Patel.

This more than makes up for my people colonizing India!

No, no!

Jack, where have you been?

Bad news: there's a wolverine in the AC duct.

Good news: not so cold in here.

Clark, I'm about to give you the most constructive criticism of your life.

Philip, have a lemur.

It's his mating season, so cover your ear holes.

Look.

To call this situation a dumpster fire would be an insult to flaming piles of trash.

I knew it.

I just wanted to be a great journalist, but I suck.

You don't suck at journalism.

You just suck at knowing what your actual talents are because you've been overly praised, under criticized, and excessively "mom" -ed.

Hot "mom" -ed.

You're on to something, Jack.

Just saying I'm a great writer or a pageant prince or six-foot-two doesn't make it true.

I need a boss like you to help me be the real me: a normal, regular, six-foot guy.

I'm shorter than six feet?!

We'll cover height another day.

You think there's any way to save this feature?

No way in hell.

But what you can do is pay for this disaster by turning it into revenue-generating clickbait.

Then, assuming we live through this, we'll start talking about your first feature.

Hey.

So I was accidentally hooking up with one of the handlers, and it appears that his boa constrictor has escaped.

That is both real and a euphemism.

Yo, I'm an old, which means I still pay money for my email address. And yes, that smell is the tuna fish sandwich I packed for lunch. Today, we're gonna teach you how to put up with us. Like when it comes to technology, you should... wait for the D.R.O.P.!

Announcer: Don't Rush Old People!