01x02 - A-List Thief

[bunniefuu]

[energetic brass music]

♪♪

Well, I did it. I nailed Gwyneth Paltrow.

Oh.

She's on the show tonight.

And it's not because we look alike.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

We also have Jim Norton... very funny, dirty comedian.

Good.

And, uh, Lip-Synch Kerfuffle.

[laughs] That Kerfuffle is funny!

That Kerfuffle is just another Fallon rip-off.

Um, what the hell are you wearing?

Thank you, Marcus.

I bought this dress on Goop.

Ooh.

Love it.

Can I just say, I love how playful you've been lately with your wardrobe.

Thank you. Red belt.

Lovin' it.

Uh, what am I doing here?

Oh. Ana. Yes.

I think Marcus is gonna need help with Gwyneth Paltrow's hair.

I only do Jimmy.

Yes, but Jimmy's hair takes two minutes, and otherwise, you don't do anything.

Read my contract.

I can do it.

No.

You will not touch Gwyneth Paltrow.

I might.

Anyway, Gwyneth is bringing her publicist Malik.

[bangs on table] I know, Penny.

She's a bitch.

But she's a powerful uber-bitch, and she reps most of the stars that come on the show, so can we not piss her off?

What are you guys doing?

Is this a meeting?

Yes, Phil.

Was I supposed to be in this meeting?

Yes, Phil.

Well, good thing I'm here.

Well, and now that we are all here, I have an issue to raise.

There is a unidentified piece of... fecal matter in the green room, and I cannot do my job and serve food until someone cleans it up.

Yeah, I was wondering when someone was gonna bring this up.

Okay, hold on: you both saw the fecal matter, and you didn't do anything about it?

Well, I wanted to leave it for you.

I know you love solving problems.

Isn't that your thing?

Randy, why don't you pick up the poop?

I do sound, and that would be, like, a union issue.

Okay, well, somebody's got to deal with this sh*t.

announcer: From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap With Jimmy."

Tonight: Goops, she did it again.

Gwyneth Paltrow.

The bald and the beautiful comedian Jim Norton.

Everyone's favorite late night game, Lip-Synch Kerfuffle.

And now, the man who's number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy!

Well, that could be anything.

No, it's definitely feces, and it is definitely human.

I've examined enough human stool to know, thank you, Dr. Oz.

You know, she's right. That is human poop.

It's actually homeless Pan-Asian poop.

How could you possibly know that?

Because a homeless Vietnamese man used to live in my hallway.

I'm sorry, defecated in my hallway.

We only have two Asian employees.

We could just round them up.

Okay, FDR, we're not gonna round up the Asians.

Or it could be a dog.

Hey, there you are, buddy.

Um, Todd, who's this dog?

This is Monty. This is Jimmy's dog.

What is Jimmy's dog doing here?

Oh, he was wreaking havoc upstairs.

It was just, like, a complete disaster.

We called him "Hurricane Monty."

It was just... I mean, it was a mess.

So during the day, he's gonna be down here.

Oh, so he's just supposed to destroy and sh*t on everything here in my department?

Yeah, probably. That's what he does.

Todd, where is this dog supposed to stay?

Oh, they're building out an office for him as we speak.

What office?

The one across from you guys.

Penny and I have been sharing the same office for months.

You're telling me there's another office on our floor?

Yeah, well, it's, uh, occupied.

By Monty.

So, unavailable.

Anyway, here we are.

f*ck yeah. This is nice.

Nicer than usual. I see you took my notes.

Gwyneth, I've just got to say, we are so excited to have you here.

That's so funny!

Oh. [laughs]

It's a dress I bought on Goop.

Yeah. It's a nightshirt.

Oh!

But it's cute.

Oh, coffee. Thank you so much.

Who else is on this show tonight?

Um, Jim... Jim Norton.

Oh, yeah.

He's that, like, um, little kind of pervy bald... that guy's hilarious.

Wait, did I f*ck that guy?

Not yet.

Mm!

I love that pillow.

That would look so good in my apartment.

And that little candy dish too.

That's really nice.

Um...

That pillow actually goes with that couch.

The couch that lives in the office.

And I'm also gonna need a really warm washcloth, please.

Oh, God. Do you have a headache?

Well, I just didn't have time to shower, so I need, like, whore's bath.

A whore's...

Whore's bath.

If I might interrupt. Ms. Paltrow.

Excuse me.

Food.

I prepared your snacks today from the recipes of Goop.

What is that sh*t?

[sighs] Didn't you guys read my rider?

I can't eat that. I need carbs, bitch!

The one time I make an effort for this stupid, stupid show.

Oh, okay.

And I'm gonna need some hamburgers too, okay?

Meat.

Well... well, let's take that tray, 'cause it's really cute, and to throw it away for no reason...

I'm so sorry about the chef.

He's a angry little gnome.

[sighs]

Oh, yeah.

Um, do you have an outlet?

'Cause I need to steam my vag*na.

both: Oh.

Yes.

And my nails might still be wet, so can you unzip my pants?

Sure.

It's a back zipper.

both: Oh.

There you go.

Hey, Nate, I think Jimmy'll want one of those paintings with the dogs playing poker somewhere... I don't know... right around there.

Yeah, the humor's gonna be lost on the dog, though.

Wait, that painting's supposed to be funny?

I did this, like, very sort of modern, kind of Warhol-esque portrait.

He likes that much more.

I know, well then get her cheddar cheese popcorn.

Oh, wow. Wow.

Nate!

Hi.

How are you?

Yeah, it's Nate Berkus.

I know.

Yeah, from the Oprah.

I know Nate.

Hi.

It's really good to see you.

Good to see you.

How is everything?

Uh, it's great.

Um, what are you doing here?

I got the Monty job.

[gasps]

I know. Unbelievable.

Everybody in the design community was angling for this.

Michael Smith? Hey dude, you might have done the White House, but you're not doing Monty's space... I am.

There's absolutely no budget limit.

I mean, I can spend anything I want.

It's been a while since I've been able to ship one side table from France and just, you know, whatever, like, on a plane.

Like, it cost more than the table to even get it here, you... anyway, I'm boring you.

How are you?

I'm... I'm dumbfounded.

I truly am dumbfounded.

Do you have a second?

I know you're probably really, like, swamped today.

Yes.

You do. Okay.

Just... it's one minute.

Obviously, I've been spending a ton of time with my client... hey, bud!

We are so close now.

It's really important, like, the decorator-client bond thing, 'cause like, people have to really feel at one in their space, so I think he's a winter.

What do you think about that? That feels right, right?

Well, I feel like he's a dog, but if he were to be a season, I think yeah, he's somewhere...

Yeah, okay, so he's a winter.

We agree he's a winter. I'm gonna go with this.

Uh, I'm gonna just go Krazy Glue my desk back together...

Okay. It's good to see you.

Yes, you too, Nate.

So back to that painting. Why is it funny?

Can you just go? Seriously.

Welcome back to "The Konspiracy Korner."

The podcast where we agree with each other about conspiracies.

I am your host, Randy Wolf.

I'm your host, Grady DuPont.

Last time, we proved without a shadow of a doubt that Jay Z and Beyoncé are the leaders of the Illuminati.

This week: is Katy Perry actually JonBenét Ramsey?

Oh, my God. Is she?

Yes. Yes. She really is.

Just look at the eyebrows. They're identical.

Well, now we have to stop recording because our listeners are not familiar with someone's shrill voice and it breaks the reality.

Sorry.

Why are you sitting like that?

I'm draining the toxins from my feet and legs into my kidneys so that they can filter out the negative energy.

There's no scientific merit to that.

Maybe not, but the past seven or eight years, I've just had a string of bad luck.

This morning, I got on the subway, made eyes at a handsome gentleman, and he masturbated at me.

I inadvertently k*lled a pigeon, and I was hit by a car, and now they're suing.

That's really unlucky.

That's a bad day.

Yeah.

Penny, you know what you need?

You need to rub a hunchback's hump.

What? I have never heard that before.

Yes, according to ancient Jewish tradition, if you rub a hunchback's hump, it brings good luck.

That's true. I'm half Jewish.

Does this really work?

Well, I rubbed a hunchback's hump when my neighbor's cockatoo had cancer, and it d*ed three weeks later.

Oh. So it doesn't work.

Oh, no. It worked.

Worked very well.

I think you remember from the last time you were here, for "Country Strong," Jimmy doesn't actually remember a lot of the things he's gonna...

I'm just gonna wing it, okay?

Okay.

Do you need me to give you a minute to finish that fried chicken?

No. It's fine, dude. I'm a pro.

Just... let's do this.

Okay.

I got to tell you, I love your makeup line from Goop.

That natural mascara? Dead!

Goop has a makeup line?

Yup.

You've been doing press about it everywhere.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

How about kids?

Any funny story about the kids, or is that off-limits?

She said she's gonna wing it.

Okay, I got the microwave that you liked from our kitchen.

I just ripped it out from the wall.

Awesome, you can just set it right over there.

That's fine.

I'm sorry.

That's from our kitchen?

Oh, my God.

Have you guys ever put marshmallow Peeps in a microwave?

They f*cking explode!

[sparse laughter]

It's better high, but still.

Should we all get high?

[lively trumpet music]

No, those are pantaloons.

Trousers are fitted.

'Cause I think I just got pantaloons on...

Staci? Uh...

Do you remember that sweet brown leather jacket I wore when I was coming in today?

Yes, it's all I've been thinking about, Jim.

Really?

No.

Why you being sarcastic?

Because I'm a comic, right?

Because you think I can take it?

'Cause you think I'm small and disgusting?

Yes, but I do want to help you find that leather jacket.

Well, it was in my dressing room, and now it's gone.

So, I don't want to be that guy, but I think somebody stole it.

Okay, Jim, first of all, you'll never be that guy, and second of all, we are going to put the word out, and we'll find out what happened to it.

All right. Thank you. It's a men's petite.

Of course it is.

I think I know who stole the jacket.

Well, it's kind of obvious.

Do you want to both say who we think it is at the count of three?

Gwyneth Paltrow.

That's exactly who I was gonna say.

So, this is an office for a dog.

Well, it's not just... I mean, it's a living and workspace for Montgomery, who happens to be a dog.

When I was little, I slept in a cardboard box with my brother for four years.

That's, like, the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

But this... all of this... is for a dog.

Well, he's not just any dog.

He's a rich man's dog. [dog growling]

I wish I were a rich man's dog.

Me too.

Then I could pee on the street and no one would arrest me.

[dog grunting]

I'm bored. Jimmy's in his isolation room.

What are you guys scheming?

We're trying to find a hunchback.

Oh, to rub for good luck?

Yes. You've heard of this?

I'm foreign, not stupid.

I think we've, um, found our hunchback.

The, uh, gentleman over there.

You got this, Pen.

Go, go, go, go, go, go. Do it.

You can do this, Pen.

[both mouthing words]

I can't just touch it.

Yeah, we need to work on your confidence first, and then we'll get you back out there.

Don't worry.

Uh, no, it's not okay.

She's a failure.

And this is exactly why I cannot respect you.

Don't worry about it. It's okay.

Nobody respects her.

That's why I will never trust a woman.

Hey, guys. Uh, you seen a jacket?

It's a brown jacket, got some patches on the sleeves, a very stiff collar, a lot of character.

Yes, actually I have seen many brown jackets.

Oh, God damn it.

Are you one of these pompous jizz buckets who thinks it's kind of fun to play little word riddle games because it makes you feel superior about your own shitty life?

I am not a jizz bucket...

You are.

My life is fine...

It's not.

And I am morally superior...

It's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

Are you looking for a jacket?

Yeah.

I think I know what happened to it.

Really? Who are you?

Me?

Yeah.

I'm Randy.

All right, what happened to my jacket, Randy?

Gwyneth Paltrow stole it.

Um, all right.

That's kind of a big, weird accusation.

What makes you say that?

I do sound. I hear things.

And eavesdropping is kind of my deal.

I understand that, but why would Gwyneth Paltrow steal a man's jacket?

Because she steals everything.

Come on, man.

If you listen to people, every celebrity's a thief.

No, that's gay.

Yes. Every celebrity is gay.

Are you sure Gwyneth Paltrow took my jacket?

Jim, I am 100% sure.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

That's gonna be awkward.

Oh, an awkward, shitty conversation.

That'd be a real rarity around here, wouldn't it?

♪♪

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I was rubbing your hunchback for good luck.

I'm not a hunchback.

Oh. That's my hoodie. It's inside out.

I can't find a hunchback anywhere.

And I'm not getting back on that subway until I have better luck.

Look, young lady, I don't know what you're talking about, but I hope you find the hunchback you're looking for.

Thanks.

High five?

No thanks.

I love that jacket.

Thank you.

Where'd you get it?

Um...

I don't know. I just got it.

Okay, um, the thing is that Jim Norton, uh, he thinks you might have "Just gotten it" out of his dressing room.

He says it's his jacket, and it... it's kind of illegal, and he wants it back.

Um... no. You know what?

I got this jacket from the air marshal that I blew on the way here.

Well, he's gonna call the police.

The air marshal's gonna call the police?

That was a good blow job.

I used my hands and everything.

I'm sure you did.

Jim Norton is gonna call the police.

Okay. See, now you just set it off.

What... I did what... what?

Did you just throw shade at my client?

I don't know...

You better pick that shade up off of her and put it onto yourself.

Because you have no power here.

Who the f*ck do you think you are?

You just run around here looking all Busy Phillips, but this here, Ms. Paltrow, is a star, and if she wants a jacket, then she gets the jacket.

What about Jim Norton?

Oh.

You can tell that pale, sexually confused, neo-n*zi-looking m*therf*cker that if he says one word to Gwyneth Paltrow, I will end him personally, and he won't even be able to get a job sweeping floors at the Mason County Chuckle Hut!

You can go now.

Oh.

Bye, Felicia.

Uh...

Bye!

♪♪

We looked everywhere for the jacket.

All over.

We can't find it.

I know it's here.

Gwyneth Paltrow took my jacket.

Well...

Why do you think Gwyneth Paltrow took your jacket?

Because your creepy sound guy told me.

Okay, first of all, Randy is a compulsive liar, and you can't believe anything he says.

Maybe not, but I can believe my own eyes, and that dumb spindly bitch posted it to Instagram.

I knew she couldn't resist taking a picture.

White women are very predictable.

We are very predictable. It's true.

You follow Gwyneth Paltrow?

Yeah, of course I do.

How else is a guy like me supposed to know where all the best spas in Santa Fe are?

Well, if she did have the jacket, it would maybe be in a better place, on her beautiful back.

But it's my jacket... I know it's not much to look at, it's kind of shitty and it's stained and it's ripped, but it's mine, and that spoiled bitch took it because she's used to getting what she wants.

Now, I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna rip it off her f*ckin' Ichabod Crane body.

Jim Norton, don't go near Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwyneth Paltrow stole my jacket.

I'm going to get it.

If you even talk to Gwyneth Paltrow, you will never come on this show again.

Uch, who gives a sh*t?

I'm only here today 'cause somebody cancelled.

I make quite a good living doing community colleges.

Fine, then you go out there and do community colleges.

I'm not going anywhere. It's my dressing room.

You go.

I...

I'm going.

Good.

I'm gone!

Want to see a picture of my d*ck?

♪♪

So, wait. Who stole what?

[sighs]

Gwyneth Paltrow stole my jacket.

And why am I here?

Because you're security.

Oh, that's very flattering, but I'm no detective.

Look, there's a serial thief in the building, and she has my jacket, and that idiot Staci is not helping me... I need you.

I kind of don't want any part of this.

I wouldn't go in there.

I'd just cut your losses and go home.

Look, I don't have a lot in my life.

All right? I'm not rich.

I'm not particularly handsome.

I'm not particularly tall.

And my perpetually-limp d*ck leaves a lot to be desired.

I have my pride, and that jacket.

And now I don't even have that jacket.

I have my limp d*ck, and my pride.

And I'm going to get my jacket.

I am trying to find you some speedballs, but in the meantime, I need to walk Jimmy's dog.

He's a Mastiff, and he's got a huge...

Cock?

Appetite, but yes, probably that too.

Oh. [gasps]

Gwyneth.

Jim Norton! You f*cking rock!

Don't try the "I'm gonna compliment "the ugly little weird guy to get him on my side" sh*t.

I'm not buying it.

You want to throw down, bitch?

No, I'm not gonna throw down. I'm not a rapper in the '80s.

I want my jacket.

It's not your jacket.

Yeah, it is my jacket.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

It is my jacket, and you stole it.

Oh, no, I didn't. This is my jacket.

If this was your jacket, you would be wearing it.

I'm wearing it. This is my jacket.

What are you, a sociopath? That makes no sense.

Okay.

You want a hand job?

Yes.

Oh.

You know what?

Um, let's see if we can make a deal here.

Thought we just had a deal.

Aysha, what have we got in the bag?

Oh, we have a one-of-a-kind, signed guitar by Bruce Springsteen.

Did you get that from Jimmy's office?

Yeah.

All right. So, the guitar and a hand job?

Just the guitar.

Okay?

Well, I guess you got yourself a deal, Paltrow.

Enjoy my disgusting jacket.

Enjoy the guitar.

No, I'm gonna sell the guitar.

I would've enjoyed a hand job.

[upbeat music]

So, I've got a car waiting downstairs for you, so you can take your nap before you get too cranky.

Oh, Gwyneth, thank you so much.

That was an amazing show.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Who is this?

This is Monty. He's kind of the office dog.

Oh, my God. I love him.

Oh, he...

He loves you!

Do you want that dog?

'Cause we can take him right now.

Oh, my God. No. I mean, no!

I'm not gonna take the office dog, God.

Are you kidding? He loves you!

I would never take something that's not mine.

But thank you.

Are you sure?

Thank you so much.

I feel like he wants to go with you.

[laughing]

Well, shall we go? Okay.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you so much.

Thanks, everybody. Oh, bye, Monty.

Bye, Felicia.

Oh, it's Staci, actually.

I don't give a sh*t.

If you can just... oh, God.

All right. Come on, Monty.

Don't you dare poop.

Come on, gorgeous.

Oh, Jesus, God!

Oh, God.