01x04 - The c*ptive Dinner Guest

[bunniefuu]

Maybe we should all sit, like, Japanese-style on the floor or something because all of our chairs are really uneven, and I just don't want it to give, like, a weird balance/eye-contact thing.

Drew: Yuck.

Hey, this still doesn't taste like Mom's.

Well, that's really frustrating feedback, Drew.

I mean, what is it missing, you know?

I'm sorry. I just really don't want to do this, Dory.

Okay.

Babe, this is part of our new thing, right...

Trying new things?

But I think it's nice, you know, we're having somebody new over.

No, no, no, no, don't try to trick me, Dory, okay?

Why does it have to be Gavin?

Why can't it just be one of my business-school buddies or someone fun?

Because he's a nice guy and he's going through a really hard time.

Actually, he's an unstable maniac who's going through a hard time.

Drew.

He knows something, okay?

So let's just put on a smile, and let's get it out of him.

"Get it out of him"?

What is going on with...

I need... to get the wine.

I need to get the wine.

"Get the wi"... [Sighs]

Can you hurry back, okay?

I don't want to be sitting in awkward tension asking this guy where he got his clothes or some crap.

It's not like he's gonna g*n us down or something.

I mean, he...

50 buck says he g*ns us down.

Gavin. Hi.

Gavin: I'm sorry. I'm somewhat early.

I can go back outside if this makes you uneasy.

No. No, no, no, no.

Come in.

A-All right.

Drew, Gavin's here.

Drew: Oh, hey, pal.

Yeah.

Gavin: Hey, buddy.

What can I get you?

What is this, Drew's General Store, or something?

[Light laughter]

No.

Um, so, I'm just gonna run out and grab the wine.

Please, make yourself at home.

I'll be back in, like, one sec, yeah?

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

[Door closes]

Hey, you didn't hear us talking in here, did you?

I'm just curious, um, how thin the walls are.

Why? Were you talking about me?

[Laughs]

No.

S01E04 The c*ptive Dinner Guest

[Tense vibe]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Grunts]

Ooh, sorry, sorry, sorry! Sorry.

Gavin: So, what kind of p*rn do you like?

What's that?

It's just us guys here, right?

Yeah, honestly, nothing too nuts.

What kind of p*rn do you like?

I'm telling you, just kind of, uh... normal stuff.

Nothing too nuts.

Just... sex.

See, like, me, I hate when I see a condom.

Yeah.

I mean I guess if I had to see something, hum...

I would... I like a little bit of a story.

Kinda like a beginning middle and end, ***

[Cellphone rings]

Hey.

Portia: Dory, I've literally tried on everything that I own, and I'm stressed out about it.

And Elliott's not here to help.

Don't overthink it, all right?

Just wear what you wore yesterday.

I just... I don't want to do this.

How many times have I come over to your house 'cause you thought there was an owl in there?

[Sighs]

Okay, listen to me.

You're the only one who has amazing social skills.

[Laughs]

You're the only one who could get someone to talk about something that they don't want to talk about.

I know. I'm good at that.

Okay. I love you.

I'm gonna figure it out.

Okay.

Love you, too. See you later. Bye.

[Cash register beeps]

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry.

[Door closes] There was a line, but, uh, I got the wine.

Nice.

Wine's cool.

Yeah.

Want some freaking wine, Gavin?

"Anything is better than lies and deceit."

I'm sorry?

A famous quote from this book Oh! [Chuckles]

Where did you, uh... find this copy, Dory?

Um, I'm not sure. I've just always had it.

It's like I've had it forever, I think.

Yeah.

Chantal was, uh, reading this book when we broke up.

Really?

Yeah.

Same edition, actually.

Did she like it?

[Book slams] I want to talk about something else.

We'll talk about something else.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe we just take it easy on the drinking a little bit, you know?

Mm-hmm.

You don't want to get all loosey-goosey like I know that you can do.

I'm just a little more nervous than I want to be right now, okay?

And drinking's helping that.

Oh, I'm sure that's really helping.

Mm-hmm.

Gavin: Hey, I'm gonna play some music even though I don't love any of your records.

Totally cool, bud. Do whatever you want!

Great. Thank you.

[Door buzzes]

Hey, did I tell you that I hate this?

Portia's here.

[Door opens]

Hi.

Hi.

Mwah, mwah.

Mmm!

Oh, it smells so good! Hi!

Yeah?

I'm Portia.

Oh, you guys haven't met?

Uh, well, I saw you the other night.

At the vigil. Get on in here.

Um, and I also remember back in college seeing you perform in numerous theatrical productions.

Thank you for your support.

Here you go, "Porsh."

Oh, thanks, babe.

Dory: You want to come in the kitchen with me?

Okay.

Hey. Hey.

[Snaps fingers]

[Whispering] Yeah?

Okay, come on.

Yeah?

Look me in the eyes, okay?

Okay.

Is this some kind of a setup?

What do you mean?

Portia, me.

[Sighing] Oh.

Is it a set-up? Is it a set-up?

Um...

Yeah, I guess so.

Um...

Yeah, I th... I think, um... if you feel something, act on it.

Okay, um...

I just wanted to say thank you for, um... For coming over tonight.

Um, you know, Drew and I don't do this very often, so...

[Whispers] They don't.

I hope the food is good.

Anyways, yeah, and, uh, and Gavin, um, I'm really looking forward to, you know, getting to know you better. So, yeah, welcome, and, yeah.

Hey, cheers, guys.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait.

Toasting people, you got to make direct eye contact, or else you get seven years of bad sex, right?

You know that old superstition.

None of us want that, especially not the couple over there, right?

[Chuckles]

If I know anything about couples...

Right. [Laughs]

.. they like having sex...

Right.

For years.

Dory: Okay, Drew.

[Glasses clink]

Portia.

[Glasses clink]

Drew, you know the drill.

Right, yeah.

[Glasses clink]

Dory.

Yeah.

[Glasses clink]

Yeah. [Laughs]

That's so fun. I never played that.

Gavin: [Slurps, clears throat]

So, uh, where's the other blonde friend of yours?

Oh, Elliott.

Oh, yeah.

He is in Africa having the time of his life.

I'm gonna show you a cute pic.

He's doing such good work.

That's him with his water charity.

Dory: Uh, Gavin, um...

I wanted to ask you, um...

What'd you think about the vigil?

Oh, God, I mean, Drew knows how I feel.

Yeah. He had a real strong reaction.

Right.

Yeah, I mean, personally, I felt like I just bought tickets to, like, a three-ring circus or something.

Portia: [Laughs]

That's exactly what I said. That's the...

Drew, tell her. That's exactly what I said.

Those are the words I used.

He said the same thing.

Mm.

Yeah, I just felt like Chantal would have... hated the whole thing.

[Scoffs]

Do you... D-Do you disagree?

[Slurps]

[Gulps]

I neither agree nor disagree.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

I think what Dora is trying to say is that hum...

Chantal was just such a little humble little sweetheart.

Such a humble little sweetheart?

That's what I said.

Is that what we all think here?

That the... Chantal was just a little humble sweety, ***

She was very, very nice to me.

[All huming]

That's interesting, definitly.

Hum...

I'm gonna just politely request that we don't talk about Chantal anymore.

Yeah.

Of course.

Portia: Yeah.

Of course. Of course.

Yeah, I just think it's, you know...

It's such a tragedy, you know?

I just hope she knows she's loved.

I just told you that I didn't want to talk about that!

[Breathing heavily]

Mm-hmm.

You know?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Portia: Okay, you guys. [Laughs]

Crazy that we've gone, like, this whole supper without talking about the political situation happening in our country.

Mm, yeah.

I'm actually gonna be right back.

Where you going?

Anybody hear that dog?

I got to go check on that outside.

[Sighs]

April: Hey! Baby d*ck.

[Door closes]

Hi.

Having a party?

Oh, um, no, just like a small, little get-together.

Kind of offended I wasn't invited.

Yeah, it was my... It's kind of my girlfriend's thing, so I'm not really, you know...

[Laughs]

It's just like a...

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

You don't owe me anything.

Okay.

So, just so you know, me and my angry boyfriend, we broke up.

And you were right.

He was a total jerk.

Nice, um...

It seems like that was a good thing, then.

[Laughs]

You don't know what's good for me, okay?!

Oh, for sure.

Detective Garcia, it's my character on ***. She is latina, So she, uses her hand. A lot.

You...You play a latina?

Oh yeah, I'm ethnically ambiguous.

Okay.

[Sniffs]

Gavin, let's be real, okay? [Sniffs]

I know about the baby. Yeah.

I know. It's crazy.

But I know.

Are you the father?

Gavin, look at me.

Look at me!

What happened to Chantal?

It's cra... I've become, like, paralyzingly aware of my body at all times since I've been acting.

It's really, like, I can't...

I'm like... Sometimes, I'm just, like...

I can't even get control over what my feet are doing.

'cause I'm always thinking about them.

So... [Sighs] .. what's, like, a weird lie you guys have told?

Ooh, fun, a game!

Yeah? [Laughs]

What kind of lie are you talking about?

Yeah, what kind of lie?

Um, well... [Clears throat] I-I told my barista once...

Uh-huh.

That, um, my name was Chloe.

My turn. Okay. Mine's really funny.

Um, when I was in third grade, I lied, and I told my teacher that I was dyslexic so I wouldn't have to take any standardized tests, and she totally believed me.

[Laughs]

And then, actually, the following year, in fourth grade, I was diagnosed as dyslexic.

Oh.

Portia: But that's okay.

Um, m-may I, uh, please, use your restroom?

But it's your turn!

Yeah.

It's...

Yeah, buddy.

It's, um, just down there to the left.

It's right there.

Jiggle the handle.

You don't have to jiggle the handle.

Thanks, man.

[Groans] Drunk.

[Sighs]

[Door closes]

Why won't he loosen the f*ck up and start talking some sh*t, right?

Dory, why would he?

Can we please just drop this whole thing?

No!

He's scary!

I feel so bad for the guy.

He's such an angry, sad little psycho.

Can we please stop?

Portia: That's messed up.

He left his phone.

No, Dory. Dory, put his phone down.

He left his phone.

Dory, do not do stuff with his phone.

No. No!

Portia. Portia.

What?

Make sure he doesn't come into our bedroom, okay?

What?

We're sitting.

We're sitting.

No, Drew, come.

You to sick back down.

Come. Come!

You sit back down!

No!

God damn it.

Portia: Dory, stop it! Stop!

Mother...

Dory. No, Dory, I didn't say yes!

Please, give me the phone. Give me the phone.

[Warming up music]

Hi!

And then, there were two, huh?

[Laughs]

Brown-haired people are harder to trust.

[Slurps]

I don't like this. I don't like this. I don't like this!

Stop it! You're freaking me out.

I'm freaking you out? [Sighs]

Oh, my God.

There are literally, like, hundreds of e-mails to Chantal.

How do I just, like, highlight them all and forward them all at once?

Dory, for the love of God, you can't forward the man's e-mails.

That's illegal.

Yes, I can!

Okay, okay, look, you need to go into the "Sent" folder, then.

You need to delete those.

Then, you need to go to the "Trash" folder.

You need to delete those so that they're gone for good, or else he's gonna know that you did this.

I know! I know! I know!

Hey, um...

Mm-hmm?

I'm... I'm usually not this forward.

Mm-hmm.

But, um, you know, I can tell that you're sort of into me, and I'm really into you, and, you know, I've had enough wine that I'm feeling sort of courageous right now.

Okay.

So, um, could I ask you if I could kiss you?

Aww.

Would that be acceptable?

That's so sweet... [Sighs] .. and always flattering.

[Both chuckle]

But I like to move slow.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Please... I totally understand.

Take it real slow.

♪ Right down to Kokomo ♪

[Chuckles]

Hm.

Ooh, you're getting up, getting to go, going.

Slowly.

[Chuckles]

You.

You, you, you, you, you.

Yeah, you, you, you, you.

Mm.

Mm.

[Cellphone chiming]

What was that?

[Chiming continues]

Is your phone not on silent?

Oh, my God! You sent them to my e-mail!

Yeah, because your e-mail's shorter than mine!

Dory!

Oh, God damn it. That's so distracting.

Gavin: Hello?

Someone's phone blowing up!

You need to get your ass out there right now.

I'm not gonna do it. You think I'm gonna do it...

Yeah, go.

Go out there with that psycho?

I had to talk to him when you went to get the wine!

No, go!

Oh, my God!

[Chiming continues]

Hey, buddy.

Ah, sorry about that. Sometimes, I feel like the office never closes.

You know what I'm talking about?

If I could just have the phone.

Is everything, uh, okay, man?

[Chiming continues]

Yeah. What? Um... Wh...

Uh, what are you talking about? What is... What?

What is... What?

Winning the fight in there? You know, You the put the princess in her place?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

Laying into her.

[Chuckling] You know what I'm talking about?

[Chuckling] You know, guy stuff, so...

Yeah.

If I could just, um, have the phone?

[Chiming continues]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks. Yeah.

Cool.

Oh, yeah, this is... This is what I thought.

It's uh... office, office, office...

Bunch of office crap.

I am so sorry, you guys. I suddenly feel so sick...

Oh, no, really?

And crappy... Yeah.

I just... It's my head and my throat, and, like, my T-zone is...

Well, uh... I feel so bad.

Can I get your number before you leave?

How about, um, you give me your number?

Here you go. Here's my business card.

Oh, great.

Portia, you're leaving? No... Why?

I feel so sick.

Oh, that sucks.

Okay.

Portia: Thank you so much.

Bye, Porsh.

Bye. Bye.

Have a good night, Portia.

[Shudders]

I don't know. I don't get women.

They confuse me, you know? I...

She looked genuinely sick to me.

God I hope so. I just...

[Sighs] I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

I don't know. I don't know.

[Breathes deeply]

W-W-Where's my phone?

Oh, um...

Hm.

It was right there.

Was it?

Yeah, I'm telling you that it was right there.

Oh. I thought it was...

Where is it?

Uh, did you check your pockets?

It's not in my pocket, Dory.

Okay.

It was right there, okay?

Dory: Well, it's got to be here somewhere.

Drew, you want to check the kitchen?

Yeah, I'm on it.

Um [Clears throat]

Have you... Have you checked your...

Your jacket pockets maybe?

Just saying.

Hey! There it is.

See? I'm doing that all the time.

I'm always thinking I lost my phone, and it just ends up being in my jacket pocket.

Been there.

I did not put this there.

I would never put this there.

Weird.

[Breathing heavily]

What is this, huh?

What's... What's going on here?

What do you mean, Gavin?

Why are you touching my stuff?

Hey.

You okay, buddy?

No, I'm not okay, okay?!

I don't tolerate people touching my property without my permission, okay?!

Okay.

Okay, how would you feel if I put my greasy paws all over your stuff, huh, huh?!

Drew: Gavin.

Huh? How would you feel?

[Screaming]

Hey, Gavin, no! Gavin!

Gavin, calm down.

How you feel about that, huh?

Unh-unh, no. Please, calm down, Gavin.

Ohh, "Gavin, please calm down."

Please calm down.

"Oh, Gavin, please, calm down. I don't like it."

Come on. Make me calm down.

Huh? Huh?! Aah!

[Panting]

Gavin.

That's what I thought... Drew.

♪ Do you remember? ♪

Some guy you got there, Dory.

♪ What we did before? ♪

Gavin: The two of you were made for each other, you know that?

What the hell?!

♪

Did you know that Chantal was pregnant?

[Sighs]

[Door latch clicks]

♪ Or are you mad? ♪

How did you know that?

Dory.

No, how did you know that?

Because I thought that you might be the father.

No, 'cause she was cheating on me.

♪ And we were blacked out ♪

With who?

[Coughs, burps]

Oh!

Ohh! Oh.

Oh!

Ugh.

Oh, God!

[Sighs]

Gavin.

Oh, buddy.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Hey, uh...

I don't really like myself, sometimes.

Well we almost had a... nice time, right?

[Moans]

Hey, Gavin.

I just have to ask, um...

Do you know who she might have been cheating on you with?

Even if I knew that, I-I feel like it wouldn't make that much sense for me to confide in you.

Right. Yeah.

[Sniffs]

Okay. Good night.

♪

He actually handled it pretty well.

Hey, this is nuts.

What?

Don't you think that tonight got, oh, just a little bit out of hand?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, things got a little intense, for sure, but we found out that she was cheating on him.

I mean, that's huge!

Is that honestly your takeaway from this whole night?

Look at the apartment!

Have you not seen the apartment?

It's not bad.

Dory, I told you that that guy was crazy.

Did I not tell you that?

Yeah, but didn't I tell you that he might have some information?

And he did.

So it's like we're both right.

Okay, I don't know what's going on.

I am not used to seeing you like this.

But I'm gonna be honest with you.

I don't like it.

Don't be mad at me, please.

I'm not mad at you, Dory. I'm trying to talk to you.

No. Baby.

Stop.

Baby, stop.

I need you on my team for this.

What are you doing!?

Baby, look, I've been distracted.

I've been cleaning up puke, okay?

Stop. Stop.

I'm not feeling this, all right?

Okay.

That's fair?

Yeah.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

I cleaned up all that puke, so can you at least take out the trash?

Yeah.

[Cuushe's: "We Can't Stop"]

Who are you? What do you want?