03x07 - The Odd Couples

[bunniefuu]

Okay, this is a bit unorthodox. Normally, I do couples counseling in my office. And, you know, one couple at a time. Now, how did this all start?

(all speaking simultaneously)

Please!

Please!

One at a time!

(all speaking simultaneously)

I'll go first!

It all started when my dumbass fool of a husband sent flowers to another woman.

Uh, if you don't mind, this dumbass fool of a husband can tell his own story.

(knock on door)

Diane gave me the boot.

When women kick their husbands out, do they actually hand them a map to my place?

Felix: Teddy, what happened?

Just last week at dinner, you and Diane were engaged in a rather saucy game of footsie.

Oh, that was fun to be in the middle of.

Diane found out I sent flowers to Serena Williams.

It was completely innocent.

I was just trying to get her to sign my balls.

For a charity auction!

Well, did you explain the situation to Diane?

Yeah, but it's a little hard to talk when your wife is chasing you with a pepper grinder.

That woman can weaponize anything.

Oscar, Teddy and Diane are clearly in the middle of a marital crisis.

Nah, this happens every few years.

They fight, Teddy comes over here to cool down, they make up, and, bam, they're back to foot foreplay.

Well, then why does he have a suitcase?

'Cause I want her to think I'm not coming back.

But this is just a decoy.

Chips!

(laughs)

And...

Dips!

Ah, it's gonna be so great.

We'll grab a couple of beers, we'll watch the fight, and enjoy a little man-on-man action.

That didn't sound right.

Enjoy a little man-with-man action.

Well, that's not better.

Oscar, if these fights are recurring, then clearly there's a problem that won't go away until it's addressed.

Yes. On the other hand...

(blows raspberry)

Teddy, look, you are a husband and a father, and, unlike Oscar, a mature adult.

I think you know what to do.

(sighs)

He's right.

Happy hour at Langford's?

Happy hour at Langford's!

Teddy, you've got to deal with this.

Sorry, buddy, you'll have to wait till tomorrow, 'cause this dude and I are about to go at it all night!

Damn it!

Oscar: This is fun.

Can you believe Felix wanted you to call your wife and work it out?

Yeah, like I would take advice from a guy who owns two unicycles.

I know. Just get a bicycle!

Oh, great, Emily.

Can we get two beers here, please?

Oh, I'm actually not working today.

Perfect, don't have to tip you.

We're actually here to celebrate because we have big news.

Mm-hmm.

We are going to be roommates!

Thought you were already living together.

No, I was just crashing at her place.

So I asked her to move in with me officially, and she said yes.

Yay!

So the big news is you're gonna continue to do the uninteresting thing you were already doing?

Don't rain on our parade.

Yeah, we're really excited.

Mm-hmm.

You're right, this is exciting. I'm...

Still not getting you a beer.

(cell phone chimes)

Uhp, text from Diane. Time to call it a night.

Aw.

Sorry, buddy.

My marriage takes precedence over goofing off with you.

Yeah, I remember she made you put that in your vows.

Oh, wait, it's from Felix.

"I implore you to call your wife and open up the lines of spousal communication so the healing can..."

How long is this thing?

Forget that.

Let's not let Felix ruin our night.

Well, what if Diane needs to reach me?

Would you stop letting her call all the sh*ts?

Make her wait a little, show her who's boss.

Yeah!

It's her, right?

It's definitely her!

(slurring): I just hope we're on the right floor this time.

(slurring): Yeah.

That old man was a jerk.

Freezer full of popsicles, he wouldn't even give us one lick.

Yeah, this is the right place.

All right.

Felix: Well, well.

Look who is back from trying to drown their problems in booze.

I know that one!

It's us!

But you cannot drown your problems because problems know how to swim.

Let's tie rocks to their legs.

How about we pour some scotch on those rocks?

Nice! Nice!

Hey, Felix, why don't you relax and have a drink.

Don't be silly.

I've already brushed, flossed, water picked, and done my gum exercises.

Yes, because drinking would get in the way of meddling in other people's business.

Teddy, as a person who has recently had his heart broken and fed into a wood chipper, I urge you not to take your relationship for granted.

Now, one of our neighbors is a couples therapist.

I would be happy to give you her number.

Who cares about your happiness?

Butt out.

Oh, sure, I could do that.

That would be the easy thing to do.

The lazy thing to do.

The Oscar thing to do.

As opposed to the Felix thing to do, which would be to burrow into everybody's business like a manic badger.

Race you to the bottom!

Thanks, Teddy.

Unlike you, Teddy gets it.

More drinking... less thinking.

Yes, sure. Who cares?

Get drunk. Avoid everything.

Now that sounds like the kind of guy I would love to live with.

So I suppose you're saying you wish you'd chosen someone like Teddy to be your roommate instead of me.

Well, I didn't exactly choose you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Face it, Felix, you just kind of showed up and never left.

I just "showed up and never left"?

So we agree.

Take it back.

I won't.

That wouldn't be the Oscar thing to do.

And I'm Oscar.

Fine. I know where I'm not wanted.

Oscar and I had a fight.

I know we just broke up, but would it be all right if I slept on your couch tonight?

Of course.

Come in, honey.

Thank you.

I'll be right back with all the cellos.

(muttering): Oh, Rihanna, yeah.

Oscar...

Wake up!

Hey!

That was like an actual sit-up.

What time is it? Where's my phone?

I took it from you last night, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

There it is, yeah.

Oh, crap!

Got 12 messages from Diane!

Diane (recorded): Teddy-bear, this is silly.

Come home, baby.

Doesn't sound too bad.

That was at 7:00 last night.

Diane: Theodore, where are you?

Are you ignoring my calls?

That was at 7:03.

Diane (angrily): Call my ass back!

That was 7:21!

Oh, my God, what am I gonna do?

I should call Felix.

He knows about relationships.

No, no.

Felix will just get you to try to talk about your feelings.

This is a time for action, man.

Ah, I don't know, Oscar.

Teddy, trust me.

Who's dealt with more angry women than me?

Go on.

I know a jeweler who delivers.

Whenever I piss a woman off, I just send her something sparkly with a note that says something like, "I'm sorry I touched your sister's boob."

But, you know, you can make it your own.

Yeah, that'll work.

You know, I just say I screwed up and I'm really sorry.

I'll get you the phone number.

Where's my phone?

I'll call it for you.

(muffled vibrating)

You want me to leave you a message?

Felix, you really didn't have to make us lunch.

Oh, please, it's the least I could do for you letting me stay here.

Plus, I packed the panini press; why not use it?

(chuckles)

Oh. What's up, roomie?

Hey!

Ooh, when I saw that panini press in your bag last night, I was hoping it would end this way.

Oh.

Pillow's back.

Yeah.

I put it out here last night and somebody brought it back to my room.

That was me.

Oh. I just thought it would add a little life to the room, but if you don't like it...

No, no.

It's great. Uh, but it might, I don't know, look better somewhere else.

Like, uh...

Here!

Adds a bit of mystery.

It's like, "Ooh, what's that hiding behind that pretty pillow?"

Great.

Oh, great. Let's eat.

Yep.

Nobody move!

I am sensing some tension here.

And, as we all know, the first 72 hours of a roommate relationship are critical.

It's when the roles are established and the boundaries are set.

Felix, it's just a pillow.

And Manuela Carrasco was just another flamenco dancer.

No, I am sensing something lurking underneath the surface.

I really don't...

Now, there are certain people, whose name shall remain Oscar, who believe in ignoring their problems.

But we shall face our problems head on.

Don't worry, this won't take long.

Emily, what kind of infant were you?

She must have gotten the bracelet by now.

Why hasn't she called?

(knock on door)

Oh, don't worry, you and your wife will be breaking out the Barry White CDs before you know it.

Delivery from Reisenbach Jewels.

No, no! That's a mistake. You were supposed to deliver that to my wife!

I did. She told me to bring it to you with this note.

Oh, no, I'm too scared to read that.

You should be.

That woman is not well.

What does it say?

"Theodore, I don't know who you screwed up with last night..."

Oh, damn.

"...but she must have been something if you're giving me diamonds."

Oh, God. She thinks I cheated on her.

And, look, she drew a little picture of you with your head up your butt.

I knew I should have called Felix, and now it's too late!

You're like a little circle.

But don't worry, I have a plan.

Does it involve us drinking ourselves into a stupor?

Doesn't just involve it.

That's the whole thing.

No more drinking!

Ever!

Today.

So, to summarize, we have learned it's not really about pillows, it's about Dani feeling marginalized when she's not allowed to make decisions in her new home.

I guess.

And it's about Emily feeling a loss of control as she transitions into cohabitation.

Sure, why not?

Excellent.

So, to recap...

Damn it.

Ah, so close!

...we found it's not what's being said that's important.

It's what's underneath what's being said.

Agreed?

If we say yes, can we eat?

Yes, you may.

Then yes!

Yes!

Splendid.

I just wish Oscar were here to see this.

He would say, "Felix, you were right, and I was wrong, like I am about most things."

Well, I'm off to work.

Which is different from my calling... helping people.

You're right, no need to thank me.

I thought that would never end.

Yeah.

I spent the last 20 minutes in my happy place.

By the way, Denzel says hi.

(laughs)

So, about what Felix was saying, I'm sorry if you feel marginalized.

No, no problem. I get it.

You just don't like change.

It's not that I don't like change.

I mean, I asked you to be my roommate.

That's a pretty big change.

(both chuckle)

Wait, wait, what does that mean?

What? Nothing.

'Cause if I'm looking underneath...

...sounds like you're saying it's too big a change.

Nope.

Not at all.

Okay.

See, I feel like you're putting words in my mouth.

I let you change the decor, just don't change my words.

It's one pillow.

One ugly pillow.

Denzel was right about you.

Denzel is overrated.

Seriously?

What are you looking at?

Trying to find a new place to live.

So far, the only thing in my price range is a used Chevy Vega.

I might need a place, too.

So dibs on the backseat.

I got to wash this day off of me.

I'm gonna go use Felix's shower.

I used it this morning.

You have to jiggle the handle just right if you want hot water.

You could use my shower.

I'm kidding.

It even grosses me out.

(cell phone rings)

Hello.

What?

Okay.

Diane's coming up here.

Up here? Right now? Why?!

I don't know! I'm scared!

Where are you going?

To jump off the balcony.

Teddy!

No, it's okay.

If I hit that awning just right...

I'll die.

(knock on door)

Someone should answer the door.

It's your door.

It's your wife!

You're closer! Open the door!

All right.

Hey, baby.

Teddy.

Hi, Oscar.

Hey, baby.

Teddy, this has gone far enough.

I want you to come home.

Teddy: You do?

Oh, thank God.

I know I got a little upset, but you've never stayed out all night before.

I had a little too much to drink and I fell asleep.

That's what I figured.

I miss you.

Ooh, I miss you, too, snuggle-butt.

You didn't hear that.

If only.

I'm sorry, baby.

You're the only woman for me. (chuckles)

Hey, Teddy, I need your magic jiggle in the shower.

You lying son of a bitch!

No, no... you don't understand!

She just needs me to get it hot!

Talk less, Teddy! Talk less!

Diane, this is all a misunderstanding.

Oh, you're on deck!

Dani!

So you pack up your suitcase but you forget this?

I left it on purpose so people might think you have some taste.

Oh, really?

I have so much taste that I can... taste it!

I could have married Mercury Morris from the Miami Dolphins.

Now here we go with the "I could have marrieds."

Earl Campbell offered to make my car payments.

Oh, there you are. Good.

I couldn't get into the apartment.

Could I borrow one of your keys?

You can have mine.

I'm never going back down there again.

Oh, why? Are they having a crappy pillow sale in Tackyville?

Mean Joe Greene wasn't mean to me!

Oh, yeah?

Well, Miss Toni Braxton told me I had a cute butt.

Well, if you could get Toni Braxton, why you settling for dinner scraps over here?

Who you calling "dinner scraps"?

Oh, you know what?

(all arguing)

So there's a therapist in the building, you say?

And that's when we called you.

Okay.

There's a lot to process here.

Yes, a lot of emotions to unpack.

We have our work cut out for us, don't we, Dr. Goldman?

Felix, I didn't know you were a therapist.

I'm not.

Why, do I thr*aten you?

See? Meddling.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

(chuckles) He calls me a meddler.

And after all the times I stepped in to help him without him even asking.

You know what?

I have dinner reservations in, ooh, ten minutes.

So we're gonna cut to the chase.

Diane and...

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name, dumbass fool.

It's Teddy.

You said you have these fights every so often.

But this one seemed to escalate out of control when Teddy let Oscar get involved.

Wait a minute.

You taking advice from this chump?

Hey!

Yeah, you're probably right.

See, I told you, Oscar.

You should have listened to me.

Well, that's what Dani and Emily did.

And a minor disagreement got blown way out of proportion.

Aha! You should have listened to me!

No one should listen to you.

Yeah, Oscar.

You almost wrecked my marriage.

Dani: Yeah, and thanks to Felix, I was almost sleeping in the back of a Chevy Vega.

It got dark so fast.

Great job, Felix.

Diane: Let's get out of here, Teddy-bear.

Yeah, Teddy-bear wants some honey.

Ugh.

We should go, too, roomie.

Tiny House Hunters starts in five minutes.

Ooh! I love it when they hit their heads.

Oscar, are we bad people?

We're not great.

Look, you're not bad people.

You had good intentions.

Yeah, but if I had listened to Felix, then Teddy wouldn't have gotten himself in so much trouble.

And if I had listened to Oscar, Emily and Dani would be fine.

Interesting.

You know, it seems to me that individually, the two of you are sources of a lot of conflict and chaos.

But together...

We make each other better!

I was going to say you cancel each other out.

Which makes us better.

Sure, why not?

You are cured.

I declare you both mentally healthy.

I see no future problems here.

See? We're great!

And a good match.

And that is why I would like to officially choose you as my roommate.

Will you move back in and cancel me out?

I would be honored.

Welcome home, buddy.

Thank you.

Now I'm gonna need you to clear out of here for a few hours while I shampoo the carpet.

Lot of foot traffic in here today!

Oscar, don't sulk.

You can push the button next time.

That's what you said last time.

Hold the elevator!

Dr. Goldman!

Oh, boy.

I am so glad that we ran into you.

I've been going over my notes from yesterday's session, and I have a host of observations to share with you.

You know, my schedule's pretty tight.

See, Dr. Goldman?

This is what I have to deal with every day.

He's compulsive, right?

Is there a pill he can take for that, or a really painful injection?

Oh, this is me.

Four?

I thought you lived on 14.

I do, but I read an article called, "Ten Flights a Day Gives You the Glutes You Want, Yay!"

Oh, God, I've got to move.

That was rude of her to walk out on our session like that.

I concur.