03x07 - Chapter Fifty-One

[bunniefuu]

Latin lover narrator: So, Jane, married to Michael, and friends with her baby daddy Rafael, Although the terms of that relationship have recently changed.

I'm finaly over you.

And now... I'm kind of like ***.

Latin lover narrator: Yeah, so that make life more difficult.

On the bright sight, Jane recently found her fabulous cusin, Catalina.

She's incredible, Michael.

After Oxford, I met this guy in a rock band and followed him to Paris.

We broke up within days, but I decided to stay and take culinary classes, which is when I studied under Ludo before living in Berlin.

Latin lover narrator: In fact, Jane liked her so much she invited Cat to stay with them in their new place. And things were going great... Until this happened.

Jane: This is my cousin Catalina.

Yup, they hit it off. And hey, personally, I'm like, you're Jane's cousin, find a different guy. But they seemed to really like each other, so who am I to judge? And speaking of judging, Xo ran into her old flame Bruce, who Jane hated.

He was married, and he didn't tell Mom.

That was a different time in my life.

I can't even imagine being with Bruce now.

But then this happened. And Rogelio saw! I know! Yikes! And speaking of yikes... Rafael's mother was the crime lord Mutter, and she was m*rder*d. But she left a clue, which led to a secret bank account, which the police were trying to track.

So we have 12 numbers.

Both: Bank accounts have 12 numbers.

And, man, Michael really wanted to get back to being a detective.

Hey, you're looking better.

Oh, let's hope the doctor agrees with you... I just had my physical.

Yup. He can't yet, because of his getting sh*t in the chest and all. Good news: he was getting stronger every day, and settling in to married life with Jane, which is where we left off. You'll recall, when Catalina Maria Mora first came into Jane's life, well, it felt like a dream. But alas, the thing with dreams is, eventually you wake up.

(Catalina laughing in distance)

Catalina: Non! Tu plaisantes!

Just tell her to be quiet. She's gonna wake...

(Mateo crying)

Latin lover narrator: Too late.

(continues crying)

Shh...

(whispers): We have to get rid of her.

I should explain. Catalina's one-night layover had turned into a two-week layover, and counting.

Four more days.

It's just four more days.

I saw her book the plane ticket.

It's the teething.

I know. That's why it's a miracle he was actually sleeping.

(Catalina laughing)

Whoever she's speaking to must be a bloody riot.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(long exhale)

Je te l'ai dit! Il n'y a aucun coiffeur qui fait le balayage aussi bien que lui.

Latin lover narrator: Oh, man. It's been a while since high school French... I think maybe she's talking about a hair stylist that does great highlights. Or having coffee at the ballet.

Hey. Psst. Do you mind keeping it down?

Oh. Je suis tres... I mean, I'm so sorry.

I came out here 'cause I didn't want to wake you.

Catalina (laughing): Oh, Igor!

Catalina: That was actually my friend Igor calling from the bathroom at the Isabel Marant show.

Blah, blah, blah. We get it.

It's apparently chaos.

You go to fabulous places and know fabulous people.

Can I get a teething biscuit?

My finger's feeling pretty abused right now.

I can't find them. Catalina!

Those are Mateo's teething biscuits.

Shut up!

(chuckles) Well, every bit as good as the biscotti at La Bella Ferrara.

(laughing): So sorry!

Inhala, exhala, Jane. Remember, just four more days.

Xiomara: She's still here?

Yup. Apparently, she and Raf are...

(like Catalina): getting on so well...

Plus, she wants to be great mates with me.

I don't know how you can stand her.

Just the other day I was telling Gloria Estefan what a shameless namedropper Catalina is.

Did you tell Oprah, too?

No, just Gayle.

Xiomara: How's Michael holding up?

Better than I am. Mostly because he's so excited to go back to work.

He got the all-clear?

Any day now.

But what do I do about Catalina?

I've been dropping subtle hints, and she is not picking up on them.

Latin lover narrator: And speaking of subtle hints...

Mmm!

What a miracle that my Tiago product integration has yielded me my new favorite cereal!

It is super delicious.

Subtle is overrated. Just kick her out.

But I feel bad.

I was the one who invited her to stay.

And, I mean, it's not like she'll be on my couch forever.

Right?

Jane!

Oh, sorry, Abuela, I'm meeting my discussion group at school.

My new chapter's being critiqued, and I threaded in some suspense, so I want to see how it landed.

Oh. I'm on the edge of my seat.

What?

That's not true. I just went last...

Mm-hmm.

Wow. She's really laying on the guilt.

Ma, come on, she's busy.

What? Why?

El diablo?

(chuckles): Yeah. Right.

(laughs): Damn, Jane, you just got Abuela'd.

(dramatic music plays)

Rogelio: So, are you feeling guilty... about anything, Xiomara?

No. Why?

No reason. Just curious.

Well, uh, I should go, too.

Oh.

Where are you going?

I told you.

Meeting with the electrician at the studio.

Interesting.

Not really.

Hey, why don't I come with you? I have a lot of questions about electricity.

No, that's okay, you don't have to.

Oh, but I'd like to.

Oh, it's gonna be boring.

You underestimate my fascination with electricity.

And it'll take hours.

Stop the nonsense, Xiomara!

I know you're meeting Bruce!

What?

I saw you kissing him the other night.

I don't understand... You said you told him off.

I did. But then... we started talking and... he's different.

He-he got a divorce.

Then why are you keeping it a secret?

Because Jane would be really upset if we were together.

A-And we're not yet. We're-we're just... exploring.

Please, don't say anything.

I don't want to be in the middle. Just give me some time.

And, look...

I know it must have been hard seeing me with someone else.

(stifled laugh): Oh, please.

I have hundreds of women lining up to meet me. Literally.

So while you are meeting with your one measly lover, I will be meeting with a matchmaker.

Woman: First of all, I'm not a matchmaker.

I am a love dealer. That's trademarked.

So, it says you want someone fertile?

Exactly. I need a woman who wants children right away.

That's nonnegotiable.

And while I heard that thing about beauty being only skin deep, I have to look at that skin, so let's... double down on that.

Okay. Anything else?

Bilingual a plus.

Fluent in social media.

Comfortable with my fame.

And with sharing my penis with the world. Oh.

I will be sh**ting a full-frontal role next week.

Tell the ladies that. My penis is big-screen-worthy.

I'm sure. But you won't be showing it to any of my girls.

That's one of my three rules.

No talking about exes.

No heavy drinking on dates.

And most importantly, no shtupping until it's serious.

Rogelio de la Vega doesn't shtup.

He makes love.

Whatever.

No lovemaking until it's serious.

This is about building a strong foundation for a real relationship, Rogelio.

Oh, I understand.

But you should prepare the women for the devastation they will feel once they learn they won't be able to immediately... make love to me.

I don't want to shock them.

Latin lover narrator: And speaking of shocks...

(door closes)

(screams, gasps)

You scared me.

Oh. Sorry.

I'm four hours into a Hitchcock binge.

What? Why?

My writer's group.

They all agree that I should push farther with this whole Rear Window thing in my novel.

I just played along.

I had no idea what they meant. But I'm catching up.

Turns out this Alfred Hitchcock is pretty good.

Four years I've been trying to get you to watch.

Four years. Live in the here and now, baby.

Oh, are those notes you're taking?

Uh, I'm not experienced with suspense, but I'm learning a lot... He had this “b*mb under the table” theory.

Oh, that's easy.

Controlled detonation's really your only hope to defuse a b*mb.

Here's how it works. Take a scene with two people sitting at a table talking.

Really boring, right?

(yawning): Yes. Much like a scene with two married people sitting on a couch talking.

Now tell the audience that there's a b*mb under the table.

I'm listening.

And you're waiting for that b*mb to go off.

You have to give the audience information the protagonist doesn't have to build tension.

Then you let one character know about the b*mb, but they can't tell anybody.

Now you're on the edge of your seat wondering what that person's gonna do.

And just when the audience can't stand the tension, you defuse it! In the nick of time, someone throws the b*mb out the window, it never goes off.

I still think a SWAT team and controlled detonation's the way to go.

(grunts)

(laughs)

Hmm, I like these rules. In fact, I'm going to try out rule number one. See this? What's in that envelope is going to change everything. Did it work? Are you on the edge of your seat? In any case, we're not there yet. Some groundwork to lay first.

So, your mother's coded bank account number links to this convent in Italy.

A convent?

I take it she wasn't religious.

We certainly never went to church.

Hmm. Suspicious.

(theme to Alfred Hitchcock Presents playing)

The convent's in Orvieto.

That's where my mother was born.

She's been paying them ten grand a month since 1984.

Any idea what those payments might be about?

I have no idea. I hardly knew her.

(grunts)

But monthly payments...

Why, that sounds like...

A bribe... or blackmail.

Rafael: So what now?

We wait to see what the Italian authorities dig up on those-those-those-those crooked little nuns.

Stop it right there.

All nuns aren't crooked.

(hissing)

Seriously, you can't assume that all nuns are evil.

Watch it with the Kn*fe.

All we know right now is someone in the convent deposited those checks.

Finding out exactly who is like a needle in an Italian haystack, for now.

So while we're on the subject of...

Catholic stuff, I was wondering if I could take Mateo Sunday mornings.

Every Sunday?

Yeah. I want to start bringing him to church.

No. No, he's too young.

Well, I went to church when I was his age.

And you can't just say, “no.”

Well, I can't just say “yes,” either.

It's part of a bigger conversation.

What is?

I just don't want him to be super religious.

Latin lover narrator: Ah, yes. As you recall, the new dynamic between Jane and Rafael involves Rafael feeling much more comfortable disagreeing with Jane. Which Jane really hates.

And by super religious, you mean...

Church every Sunday, before he's able to make the choice to go for himself.

That's not super religious.

Well, it is to me.

And wait, I already told you, if I disagreed, I'm gonna push back.

Yeah, but I was hoping, like, once a year.

You're the one that brought up church.

Because it is so important to me.

Michael: Well, it's not that important.

(laughing): We haven't even gone since we were married, so...

So that's a no on church every Sunday.

Thank God.

I mean, who does that?

It just... came out.

We have to be a united front with Rafael.

I know. I know. I'm sorry.

But it's true, right?

That I haven't been going to church? Yes, it's true, so we're going to start.

We?

Yes.

Jane.

Hmm?

You know I'm more of a “C and E” Catholic.

Can we just try... this Sunday?

Fine... I guess I'll try being a C, E and TS Catholic.

Thank you. Mmm.

(door opening)

Latin lover narrator: Oh, geez. I'd almost forgotten about this pain in the...

Hello, lovebirds.

Baby asleep?

Oh, baby isn't here.

Fantastic.

Let's grab a cup of something, shall we?

(mouthing)

It's just that Michael and I are newlyweds.

And we have Mateo.

And of course, we love having you here.

(laughing): Uh, I-I mean, love.

Love, love.

Latin lover narrator: All right Jane. Rein it in, before this turns into another subtle hint.

But, uh, the space is small, and with three adults...

Oh, say no more.

I have been so thick.

I should have left ages ago.

Oh...

No.

It's just that it's been so fun getting to know you.

Oh, you, too... really.

Latin lover narrator: It should be noted, for a brief moment, Jane did feel a little sad.

I need to go, anyway, I do.

I'm chairing this huge gala at Lincoln Center for DRIA, Devoted Residents Inspired by the Arts.

They bring music lessons to underprivileged children.

But, yeah. The moment was brief.

Anyways, I'll take off tomorrow.

(sighs)

Rogelio: Honestly, it's so hard lying to Jane.

Just the other day, she asked me where her mom was, and I had to make something up.

Thank God I'm a very skilled improviser, no?

But I want to tell her so badly.

And yet, I didn't want to betray Xiomara's trust.

What do you think I should do?

I don't know, Rogelio.

You don't seem very good at keeping things in.

(chuckling): So maybe you should just tell Jane.

Darci: Denise Richards doesn't deserve this bull crap.

Rogelio (on phone): I'm so sorry.

You broke my rules.

And you disrespected Denise Richards.

I know. I feel terrible.

I just had family on my mind.

You're out of the club, Rogelio.

No, no, no, no, Darci Factor.

I want to stay in, please. I need this.

I'm sorry I blew it; maybe it was just nerves.

Please High Dollar Love Dealer, can't you give me one more chance?

I promise I'll do better at the mixer.

I'm postponing the mixer.

The restaurant I booked just dicked me over.

Well, have it at the Marbella Hotel, then.

What?

My grandson's father owns it.

He'll be thrilled.

Latin lover narrator: He doesn't look thrilled.

(Mateo squealing)

Priest: of St. Josemaria Escriva.

(Mateo shrieks)

Rafael: Shh.

I told you he was too young.

He's not; he'll get used to it.

Rafael: Shh.

(Mateo shrieks)

Priest: with Christ...

Am I crazy?

Latin lover narrator: Careful, Michael.

The choir's starting soon.

Mateo likes music.

(Mateo laughing)

All honor and glory is yours...

Rafael: Shh.

I'm gonna take him outside.

(Mateo giggling)

Shh, shh.

(quietly): Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Priest: He is the creator.

And he is a loving father who waits for us to come back to him again and again.

Mateo, wait.

Hey, come here, come here.

(Mateo giggling)

(church bell tolls)

Latin lover narrator: Holy moly. What the hell was that?

You said you'd try, not give it five minutes.

Rafael, what's wrong?

I had this weird memory.

I think my mother did take me to church once.

What did you remember?

Not much. Uh, just being there.

(bell tolling)

Hearing church bells.

My mother taking my hand.

Well, keep thinking about it.

Anything you remember could help.

No wonder he doesn't want Mateo going to church.

His creepy mom probably brought him to a creepy church.

Hmm.

So... am I allowed to contradict you when Rafael isn't here?

(clicks tongue) Michael! Of course.

Well, then... I don't know.

Mateo feels a little young for every Sunday.

I mean, you saw him, Jane.

It was t*rture, staying still like that.

He'll get used to it.

And why are you pushing this so hard right now?

Because it's important to me.

Religion is really important to me.

Okay.

(sighs)

(door opening)

Hey.

Hi.

Catalina: Hello, hello.

What are you doing here?

Oh, it's the craziest story.

Latin lover narrator: Here we go.

I popped over to say good-bye, we went out for a meal.

Next thing, he asks me to consult on the lounge menu, so I figured, why the hell not?

And we're adding pâté.

Who likes pâté?

Come here, Mr. Sweetface.

Don't you dare Mr. Sweetface.

Come here, yeah.

Uh...

Judas.

But... what about New York?

The big gala you're chairing.

Oh, they're lousy with chairs.

They'll do fine without me.

Bye, Mateo.

Mommy will be back. (laughs)

(church bell tolls)

Elena: I told you Mommy would be back.

Jane: I'm telling you it was suspicious.

Cat just breezed off in a sudden flurry when I brought up the gala, like she clearly didn't want to talk about it.

I met Catalina two weeks ago, and I've seen her breeze off in a flurry at least 30 times.

It's how she exits the room.

Okay, we'll, it's not just that.

I looked up the DRIA gala Web site, and her name is nowhere on there.

They have five co-chairs listed, seven honorary chairs, no Catalina. What do you think about that?

I think maybe you've got Hitchcock on the brain.

Don't be condescending. I'm sorry.

It just doesn't sound that odd.

Listen, I'm at work, by the way.

How? You're not cleared yet.

Well, I'm cleared enough to set up my desk.

Which is what I'm officially doing.

Latin lover narrator: Wink, wink.

Love you.

I love you, too.

I love you, too... so much.

So tell me what we got.

And remember, I'm not a cop, just a true crime hobbyist.

Right.

So, remember our favorite Italian convent getting 10K a month from Mutter?

Mm-hmm.

They also had several significant pieces of art go missing starting in the early 1980s.

So you're thinking she was dealing in stolen art?

With the help of the convent?

Take a look.

All these pieces were reported stolen from the convent in Orvieto.

Oh, my God.

Michael: Rafael?

You've seen that one?

Maybe.

Everything here belonged to my father.

This part is climate controlled.

For valuables sensitive to temperature changes.

Like art, which my father collected.

Wow.

Latin lover narrator: Holy Mother of God!

That was reported stolen from the convent.

Latin lover narrator: O-M-G! I'm getting vertigo. Stop spinning!

♪ ♪

Jane: Rafael, are you okay?

(sighs)

I got to get Dennis down here.

No. No, please.

Don't call the police.

When my dad d*ed, I found financial irregularities.

Mystery cash coming in and out of the Maracay Group over the years.

Part of me knew that this art might be stolen, but...

I didn't want to ruin my father's legacy.

So...

(cell phone rings)

I covered it up.

Oh, no.

Latin lover narrator: Dude.

It's Dennis.

Please don't say anything.

I'll put him off for now.

(sighs)

(door closes)

I hate putting Michael in this position.

And yet you are.

What else am I supposed to do?

Maybe don't do illegal things in the first place.

I really don't need a lecture right now. No.

No.

What?

You don't get to say that.

You get to express your opinions, I get to voice this.

Those are two different things.

Really?

Because maybe if you went to church, you would know right from wrong.

Latin lover narrator: Damn, Rafael. You just got Jane'd.

You don't have to lie.

I mean it.

I know.

(sighs)

(ringtone playing)

Hey, Dad.

Rogelio: Hey.

I'm here for the mixer. Just wanted to say hi, if you're around.

I'm meeting Cat for dinner. Sorry.

Hey, have you talked to Mom, by the way?

She owes me a call.

Me? No.

Ugh, she's apparently doing some kind of zoning thing.

I mean, how long could that possibly take?

Latin lover narrator: And, friends, well, he'd had it. Basta ya!

I will not be used as her beard!

You got it out of me!

The truth is, your mother and Bruce have rekindled their torrid love affair!

What?!

Jane: Mom, call me back. We need to talk.

I just talked to Dad, and... we need to talk.

(sighs)

Darci: That's right.

Phones off!

Connections are made by peering into the soul, not staring at a screen.

You will have seven minutes with each candidate.

If after seven minutes you want to know more, just mark it down, and you'll have a chance to set up a date.

Okay?

Go!

Rogelio: You have the raw sexuality of a jungle cat!

Roar! (laughs)

But I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling it.

Rogelio: You have the luminosity of a Botticelli.

Yeah, I've-I've heard that before.

But I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling it.

Rogelio: Wow. You have the breasts of a Hungarian milkmaid.

Yeah. I've won contests.

But I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling it.

What are you doing here?

Jane called me. What did you tell her, Rogelio?!

It just slipped out.

It was my news to tell!

Well, when were you going to do that?

When the time was right.

Admit it, Rogelio.

You did this on purpose because you don't want it to work out with me and Bruce.

That's ridiculous.

At least be honest.

Okay, you know what? Fine. Maybe a little.

Because it's hard watching you move on.

What if I don't find what we have?

I'm here with a room full of women I'm not attracted to in the least!

(women murmuring) Huh? What?

Woman: Really?

Ladies, let me rephrase that, huh?

Jane: So how'd you get out of it?

Hmm? The charity thing you chair?

How'd you get out of going?

Oh, I just told them something came up.

I mean, when Raf offered to put me up at the hotel, how could I resist?

You definitely didn't.

(laughs): No.

I've never chaired anything before.

Is it hard work, chairing?

I'd-I'd love to know some details.

Latin lover narrator: I'm pretty sure this is Jane sussing Cat out.

Oh, it's boring, all of it.

I'm so glad you wanted to have dinner.

I thought you were angry with me, honestly.

Me? No.

She just thinks you're hiding something.

Okay. I just need five more minutes.

(blow dryer whirring)

Latin lover narrator: O-M-G. Is that cash? And jewels?!

♪ ♪

Holy Hitchcock!

Catalina: Jane?

Jane! What are you doing?

You are not a chair for the Devoted Residents Inspired by the Arts.

What?!

I thought it was weird that you suddenly bailed on your gala.

And... I didn't find your name anywhere on that Web site.

Because I'm an anonymous benefactor.

What does that have to do with my bag?

I saw cash and jewels.

I mean, that's suspicious, right?

Not when you've just reentered the States from Venezuela, where it's recommended non-residents carry U.S. dollars.

Darling, ATMs aren't safe.

Foreign credit cards aren't reliable.

The jewels are family heirlooms I intend to place for auction at Sotheby's once I'm back in the city.

At which point, I'll send the money back to Venezuela, where our family is desperately poor, along with the rest of the country.

Latin lover narrator: Oh, Jane, I think it's time to start groveling.

I am so, so sorry.

Darci: I had you all wrong.

You are just the kind of entitled client I do not tolerate as one of my High Dollar Rollers!

Clearly, you're hung up on your ex.

You've wasted my time and the time of 27 quality girls I brought you, including Denise Richards, an Olsen twin and a Duggar.

I will send Denise Richards a Ropology basket.

You're out of the club, Rogelio.

I understand.

Maybe I'm not looking for love after all.

Would have been nice to know that before I put your picture on my Twitter.

I just mean, I might have to accept it's not gonna happen right now, which is okay.

What's more important to me is a baby.

If you don't mind my asking, why are you so obsessed with having a kid?

Well...

I only met my daughter Jane recently, and being her dad has been the greatest joy in my life.

But I didn't get to do it from the beginning.

And I want that, Darci.

I don't believe it.

(chuckles): Stop.

She went through your bag.

Life's too short to stay mad.

As the Italians say: Oggi in figura, domani in sepoltura.

Sorry. "(voice fading): It means “Today in person, tomorrow in the grave”"

Kind of like carpe diem.

(church bell tolls)

I told you Mommy would be back.

Now, come on.

Rafael: It wasn't a church I remembered.

It was a convent.

There was a nun who spoke Italian and this creepy statue.

It was a woman's head wearing a veil.

Michael: Is that it?

Yeah. Yeah, that looks right.

It's in St. Genevieve's Convent here in Miami.

And guess where their mother superior, Constantine Ciancuilli, did her junior nun training.

It's her novitiate, not junior nun training.

Right. She was at the convent in Orvieto.

Okay. So what now? You question her, you search her office, or what?

Michael: Your childhood memory isn't enough for a warrant.

Plus, if she was involved with your mom and dealing stolen art, she could run.

Okay, this is interesting.

Mother Constantine visits St. Vincent's Hospital every weekday at 2:00 pm, and there are tours of the convent every day at 2:30.

So you want me to take a tour, see if it triggers anything?

Exactly. Anything more specific could get us a warrant.

Rafael: Yeah, cool. Okay, so I'll-I'll just go in there like a tourist and look around at all the nun stuff.

Oh, my God.

You can't go in there calling it “nun stuff.”

Let me go with him.

I'll know the right questions to ask.

Otherwise, he's gonna stick out like a rich, godless sore thumb.

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us... well, here.

We're so excited for the tour.

Yes, uh, we hear the main chapel is awesome.

Amen.

(church bell tolls)

(crows cawing, bird screeches)

(Latin Lover Narrator laughs)

Latin lover narrator: Sorry. I couldn't resist Hitchcocking it up a bit.

(phone ringing)

Oh, but this is scary enough on its own.

Hello?

Woman: A couple showed up out of the blue.

I think one of them is Rafael Solano.

Thank you, Sister.

I'll come right back.

Sister Julia: Our convent is in the Gothic style, rare to the Miami area.

In modern times, service to the community has always been our main priority.

In fact, originally, this convent was European.

The structures were dismantled stone by stone, bound with protective hay...

What?

Uh, I don't know. Something feels familiar.

Go.

(church bell tolling)

(indistinct, muffled chatter)

(sighs)

Good afternoon, Mother Superior.

You're back early. Will you be joining us for Vespers?

Just after I stop by my office.

Oh, no! I'd say we're in the midst of a classic suspense sequence. Remember Hitchcock's rules?

Sister Julia: All right, and this is the end of the tour.

Sister Monica: The Mother Superior is back early, if you'd like to join her for Vespers.

Sister Julia: Oh, there's no cell service here.

Of course.

(chuckles softly)

(phone alarm beeping)

Ugh!

Uh, hey, hey, Sister, hold up!

So sorry. I just so wanted to meet Mother Constantine.

I heard so much about her good works.

And I traveled so far.

I believe she went to her office.

It's that way, through the chapel.

Mother Constantine?

Latin lover narrator: Hurry, Rafael! Hurry!

Jane: Mother Constantine.

Oh. Sorry.

Latin lover narrator: Jane, wrong nun!

With age, the hearing isn't so good.

I always knew this day would come.

And, friends, now it's time for rule number three. But I'm afraid we can't do that. Not yet.

Okay, I-I don't understand.

Do you know who I am?

Of course.

You're Rafael Solano.

Okay, what-what is going on?

I'll tell you.

Please sit.

Latin lover narrator: Okay, tension defused.

I don't know about you, but I thought Rafael was in trouble.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this.

Then I'll ask.

Were you dealing in stolen art with my father?

Yes.

During my novitiate in Orvieto, the convent was in financial trouble.

Our orphanage, it needed money.

And then your father approached me.

So he paid you to steal it?

In my idealistic youth, I saw myself as a Robin Hood of sorts, taking from the rich to help the orphans.

Why did my mother pay you every month, even after he d*ed?

Latin lover narrator: Okay. I think this is the big reveal. Brace yourself, buddy.

Elena discovered the deal I made with Emilio and threatened to expose me.

Unless I did something for her.

She continued to pay me every month, even though I wanted her to stop.

To remind me, I think.

As if I could ever forget.

In any case, the truth.

You deserve it.

Latin lover narrator: Remember what I said. This will change everything.

Go on.

Open it.

I still have so many questions.

Latin lover narrator: Observe Jane trying to distract the nun she thinks is the Mother Superior.

About... the flying buttresses.

Sorry, dear, but we've been over everything I know about the building's architecture.

Of course, she's definitely not the Mother Superior.

Wait, please!

There is something else I need to talk about.

It's... personal.

It's a... r-really personal problem.

Yes?

What do you do if you and your child's father differ, in terms of religious upbringing?

Oh, well, that's a problem many families face.

Exactly, exactly.

See, I've always gone to mass regularly.

I mean, not lately, but...

And why do you think that is?

Oh. Well, I don't know.

Life got in the way, I guess, and then, um...

Well, my husband got sh*t, and he almost d*ed.

Yeah, so that was big.

Um...

And I felt mad at God, honestly.

Because... why did that happen?

Why would he do that? I mean, what is the reason?

(sniffles)

I'm sorry.

No, no, no. It's all right.

Even nuns experience doubt at times.

And I can see that having a relationship with God is important to you.

And as with all relationships, sometimes they take work.

So, we should go.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Thank you.

(quietly): Sorry. I was trying to distract the Mother Superior.

That's not the Mother Superior.

So, nothing?

Latin lover narrator: Wait, what was in the envelope?

No. Nothing.

And I'm returning the stolen art and turning myself in to the police.

What?

I don't want you to withhold any evidence that could help with this investigation.

You don't have to make a decision right now.

I've already decided.

I want to set a good example for Mateo.

So I have to stop this completely insane and corrupt cycle that is the Solano family.

So, I've been thinking, I should work on my relationship with God right now.

Hold off a little with Mateo.

Yeah?

I think that's a goo gidea.

And I'm happy to go to church with you.

Occasionally.

I'm gonna be busy soon, back to work. Plus, you and Abuela could use the quality time.

Thank you.

Mwah. Now leave me alone.

I've got to get some writing done.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

Latin lover narrator: Which she did, for the record.

(sighs)

(thunder rumbling)

For the whole dark and stormy night.

(thunder rumbling)

And morning.

You're up early.

I want to finish this chapter before brunch at Abuela's.

I'm changing it from a first-person narrative to third.

An omniscient point of view will build suspense.

Agreed.

Hello?

Case in point, Michael's about to get terrible news.

Okay.

What's wrong? What's going on?

I didn't pass my physical.

I can't go back to the force.

What?

No.

They said desk duty.

I can do desk duty.

I'm sorry about Michael.

Yeah. He just needs a little time alone.

Yeah.

Sit?

I know you know.

About Bruce.

What are you doing, Mom?

He's changed. He has.

Stop.

He's a good person.

He's a jerk who broke your heart over and over.

Not to mention he's a liar who hid the fact that he was married from you.

No. He didn't.

What?

I knew.

I knew he was married when we got together.

Great.

Darci: I'm giving you one more chance.

Thank you, Darci Factor, thank you.

Because I've found just what you're looking for.

This girl shares your values, your desires.

No attachments. Has her own money.

And most importantly, wants a baby.

You're not trying to pawn off Chelsea Handler on me again, are you?

Rogelio, it's me.

Not to date.

Just to have a baby with.

Think about it.

We'd be very compatible parents.

Two aging narcissists.

We'd only have the kid half the time.

The other half, we'd get to have lives.

I can't believe you called me aging.

Will you at least think about it?

I'm having a baby!

So, congratulations on your bouncing baby... business arrangement.

Thank you.

(ringtone playing)

Catalina. Hey.

Catalina: Hey, love.

I'm... I've just come from Raf's and I'm a bit worried.

He seems really upset, but he wouldn't say why.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I thought you should know.

Yeah, thanks for telling me. I'll check in on him.

I feel terrible for misjudging her.

I had her all wrong.

(knocking)

Latin lover narrator: Or did she?

(French accent): How could you run out on me like that, huh?

And with my mother's jewels?

Oh, no. Does this mean you're mad?

Stay mad at you?

Impossible.

(giggles)

Latin lover narrator: Okay, get me out of here. This is cray-cray, right?

It's just been a pretty crazy day, so...

I wanted to check in.

Rafael.

What is it?

Mother Constantine gave it to me.

It's a secret she kept for Elena for 32 years.

Open it.

What is it?

It's a birth certificate.

My birth certificate.

I was born in Italy.

Right around the time Elena lost a baby.

She bribed the nuns, and they brought me over.

What?

I'm not a Solano.

Latin lover narrator: Yes, like I told you, that envelope will change everything.