02x06 - The Real Fit

[bunniefuu]

See, now, this is exactly what I want to do to the garage before I move in.

Tiny house.

Shannon: I don't know. It feels like they're using an awfully wide-angle lens to make that kitchenette/dining room/ hang zone feel roomy.

I'm with Dad. Tiny houses are awesome.

You know what we should build first?

Hmm?

A toilet desk.

Do your business while you're doing... your business.

[Chuckles]

Okay.

That is just an incredibly... space-efficient idea, Jimbo.

Right?

Huh?

But you have your SATs in two weeks, okay?

And I don't want you juxtaposing your time.

Ha! Nice try. I know that's not a word.

No, it is, but he used it wrong.

No one wins.

Oh, hey, housemate.

How was your hike with Clive?

A bird pooped on my shirt.

Just my luck.

Or it could be God's judgment for you openly dating our vice principal while you're still living with your husband.

That's very funny, Shannon, but it doesn't work like that.

I think.

Well, you're not gonna have to worry about the "me living here" part much longer, because tomorrow, I start converting the garage.

Dug out all my old tools. Ready to go.

Well, why don't you get someone to help you, you know, someone who's actually handy?

What do you mean? I'm handy.

I put together the bookc...

Oh, never mind.

Why don't you call your brother Dwayne, have him drive down?

[Gasps]

I'm sure he'd love to help you.

Of course he would.

But then we'd all have to sit and listen to his heroic tales of how he's the greatest fireman in the world.

Just call him.

Fine. I'll call him.

I'm surprised no one asked me for my help.

[Chuckling] Okay.

[Wobbling]

Has to warm up.

[Wobbling]

Okay.

Maybe I just need to work on my core strength first.

Let me see it.

Steady as a rock.

I could literally do this all day.

Guess who's getting his booty blasted at 4:00 p.m. today!

There has to be a line, Kenny!

No, no, no, no, no.

It's an exercise class I signed up for...

Booty Blast Cross Training.

But the instructor is a cutie.

You know, I've been meaning to hit the gym.

Yeah. Not really liking where this is going.

Oh, come on. It'd be fun to take a class together.

No! You're just trying to jock-block me.

Absolutely not.

Is there anything so crazy about me wanting to get in shape and live a healthy lifestyle?

Who wants candy?

Me!

I've got extra, because, apparently, some people thinks it's creepy to push a few kids on the swings to satisfy your baby craving.

Some of those people are in this room.

[Motorcycle approaches]

Oh, no.

That's the sound of the motorcycle I got married on.

What the hell is Dwayne doing here?

He's helping Pat build the tiny...

B-B-Bup! There's no time for answers.

I can't have him see me like this.

Why? You look great.

I know. That's the problem.

We've been divorced five years.

He still can't keep his hands off me.

I need something ugly. Eileen, give me that scarf!

I just got this at Talbots. Wha...

Shannon, glasses!

Okay.

Bad?

Eh.

Has anybody seen my baby bro?

Because I cannot find him anywhere.

Hi, Uncle Dwayne!

Hi, Uncle Dwayne!

Hey! I think everybody's sick of the old fireman carry bit, Dwayne.

Nope.

Scores every time.

[Grunts]

Patty's just jealous because he's the only brother that never became a fireman.

Wouldn't even take the test because he couldn't stand the heat, iterally.

Look, like I've told you, Paul, Sean, Mark, and Brendan a million times, I became a cop because I wanted to save people who weren't on fire.

Shannon, I see you're still the smartest one here.

And I can't see anything.

Kenny, I understand you're a h*m* now.

Up top.

Yeah.

Eileen, not yet divorced, and already catting around with another man?

Is that why you're glowing?

What?! No. It's just hot.

Shut up!

Then there was Jodi.

Jodi, Jodi, Jodi, Jodi, Jodi.

You look great.

You are pulling off that sexy librarian thing.

These glasses are making me nauseous.

♪ ♪

Okay. So, before we get crackin', let me just walk you through what I'm imagining here.

Is some of that blueprint drawn in crayon?

Yeah.

Okay, so, I think the first thing I want to tackle is the kitchen/ library/breakfast nook.

And the rice cooker is in the shower.

Yeah. Steam serves two purposes.

How do I put this in a constructive way?

I hate everything about this idea.

Come on, Dwayne. Look, I know you're used to being in charge, but do me a favor on this one.

Let's pretend like this project is a vehicle.

There's only one steering wheel.

In a fire truck, there's two steering wheels.

Uncle Dwayne!

Did I miss the fireman's carry?

I could do it again.

I know how to use this thing.

Do you?

See, threatening each other with tools...

This is something we could all be doing, if Dad wasn't making me study.

Hold on here, Patty.

Are you telling me you're not into teaching your son valuable life lessons while you both work with your hands?

Of course I am.

If I hear the first chord of "Cat's in the Cradle," I...

[Sighs] Damn it! I broke the seal!

Fine! For an hour, okay?

Until I can stop the waterworks.

[Paper slams]

♪ ♪

Drink it. Drink that water.

Oh, God. You are thirsty, aren't ya?

Aunt Jodi. Whatcha doing?

[Sighs] Staring at Dwayne.

Why didn't it work out with you guys?

I get why it didn't work out with Mom and Dad, but you two clearly have chemistry.

Our chemistry's always been off the charts, ever since we locked eyes at that Cranberries concert and made love behind the merch stand.

Uh, so, why didn't it last?

Well, the T-shirt vendor had to come back and restock the Larges.

Oh! You mean the relationship.

Yeah.

We wanted different things.

God. Look at him.

Even in winter, he's wetting himself down.

Dwayne runs hot.

Yeah. I'm gonna split.

See, Kenny.

No one can tell that you're wearing my sweatpants.

My soul can.

Ooh, they have a monthly unlimited plan.

You think we should just go ahead and sign up for that right now?

Now way. They're always a rip-off.

Plus, we haven't even seen what it's like yet.

[Chuckles] I'm pretty sure I know what it's gonna be like.

♪ ♪
♪ Let's get physical ♪
♪ Physical ♪
♪ I wanna get physical ♪
♪ Let's get into physical ♪
♪ Let me hear your body talk, your body talk ♪
♪ Let me hear your body talk ♪
♪ Let's get physical ♪

[Whistle blows]

Josh: Hey, Blondie.

Mom Sweats! Get ready to hurt!

Stephanie: Aaaah!

Stephanie, for the love of God, flip the tire!

This is not the gay I was promised.

This is probably just some stock photo they found on the Internet.

[Hammering]

All right. Just finished the frame for the full-size bed, Uncle Dwayne.

Impressive work there, Jimbo.

Oh, whoa! Full-size bed? No.

We're gonna be lucky to fit a standard twin up in the sleeping loft.

I mean, I've been pricing large dog beds.

Patty, you're a big guy. Maybe it's time to be realistic about how much stuff you can actually cram in there.

That's what your mom said last night.

[Laughs]

Oh, no. Your mom was Grandma.

Listen, I don't mind living in small spaces.

I shared a room with Sean, Paul, Mark, and Brendan for all those years, and it wasn't so bad till I outgrew the drawer.

[Sighs]

Maybe there's a way we can save the library, if you get cracking on some 9x9, perfectly level support boxes.

Okay.

Oh, yeah! And then we can just wall-mount the whole thing.

All right, fine. But you need to get back upstairs and study.

But I just installed a bridging joist next to a binding joist.

See, the kid is a genius.

Yeah. Spell "joist" for me?

[Scoffs] G...

Nope.

Damn it!

[Grunts]

Time!

[Breathing heavily]

Time-out. Time-out.

Okay. Okay. Here we go.

[Groans]

Wow.

I don't even know how to count that.

Negative five reps?

Not very attractive, is it?

You're one to talk, Eileen. Your form's a mess!

[Breathing heavily]

I am so sorry I dragged you here.

We do not have to come back.

Are you kidding? I feel invigorated.

I feel like I could k*ll someone... with my thighs.

I've never felt more alive.

I already told Josh we signed up for the monthly unlimited plan.

Yay! Ohh!

[Grunting]

Okay. Drink up.

The faster you get it down, the less you'll realize it's mostly raw eggs.

[Sniffs] Ugh! Mom, it's been four days straight.

My body is breaking down.

During thrusters yesterday, I swear I had a vision of an old, native American man laughing at me.

Oh, that's just the janitor... David.

He's half Ojibwa. It's a great life story.

Can't we just take one day off?

No. That's what they want us to do, Kenneth.

That's how those monthly unlimited leaches make their money.

But don't you have the Ladies Auxiliary at church?

Well, they can eat pie without me.

This program is gonna make us stronger, better people.

Remember, pain is temporary, but quitting lasts forever.

Quitting last forever. Yeah, yeah.

We get the same inspirational e-mail blasts.

Grab me a water bottle.

[Groaning]

Nope.

[Strains] Am I doing it?

Ugh. Forget it. I got it.

[Grunts]

You're a monster.

Chug that protein shake, Kenneth, if you have the throat muscles to get it down.

Shannon.

I'll pay you $5,000 if you drink this right now.

[Gulping]

[Gasps]

Ah!

I did not see that coming.

I'll let you pay me in installments.

I can't keep doing this. Help me, sister!

I need a way out!

Well, Mom went with you in the first place to make sure you didn't flirt with the instructor.

So, what if you did flirt with him?

[Door opens]

Then she'd make me quit.

[Door closes]

You're a genius. Thank you.

Dwayne, the whole point of you asking me to get you guys lemonade is that I bring it out to you.

You coming in here with me is you getting yourself lemonade.

I just like watching you make it.

It's already made, with extra pulp [whispering] just like you like it.

It's fortified with calcium so you don't get osteoporosis.

I should get these outside.

Just as fun watching you go.

[Door opens]

Did you see that?

Two old people talking about lemonade?

Are you kidding? They're so electric.

Why does she keep running away from him?

It's like she won't let herself be happy.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it now, right?

Oh, my God. I'm trying to shrug right now, and nothing's happening.

All right. I finished the support boxes you asked for.

Now, can I finally come out here and hang out with the big boys?

Uh, not quite, buddy.

Make like five more for good measure, okay?

Oh, come on. Are you serious?

As a house on fire, which I never joke about, because I am a fireman.

[Bottle clatters]

What the hell?

You threw my boxes away?

Why did you just ask me to go make more?

[Chuckles]

Oh, my God.

It's "Rock" all over again, isn't it?

What's "Rock"?

It's a game that he and Sean and Paul and Mark and Brendan used to play, where they'd have me go sit in my room and pretend to be a rock.

Then they'd do the same in their room, and the first person to stop being a rock lost.

Well, did you win?

Could you be a rock the longest?

No, Jimmy! No!

It was a trick that my brothers played on me so they could go hang out without me tagging along.

And Jimmy isn't even supposed to be out here.

He hasn't studied all week 'cause he's been working with you!

He's great at this. He's actually better than you.

Look, I didn't even want you to come here.

But then you show up and you start parenting my kid!

That is one thing you definitely don't know everything about!

Jimmy, get upstairs and start studying.

Dwayne, I don't care what you do.

Did you anchor the hinges yet?

Nope.

Damn it.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, Pat had a hissy fit, and then Shannon wanted me to come up here and fix her smoke detector.

Why are you here?

She texted me she finally wants to hear my "Shark t*nk" idea.

Well, the weird thing is, there's nothing wrong with that battery.

But I'll hear your idea.

I don't know if I could...

Hi, Sharks.

Have you ever wanted to brew a fresh pot of coffee while driving?

Then you're gonna love the "Car-brew-ater."

[Door closes, locks]

♪ You got me wrapped around your finger ♪
♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪
♪ Do you have to, do you have to ♪
♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪

Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

Kenny: Shannon was right. The only way I was going to get my mom to drop Booty Blast Cross Training was to use the booty.

Hey, Josh... shua.

Hope these compression tights aren't too extreme.

I just like my sport fabric breathable, if you know what I mean.

I don't, but your shirt's on backwards.

[Grunting]

♪ Tell me, baby, do you like the way I move? ♪
♪ Come on, get your dance on ♪

Hey, Josh, think you could spot me?

Johnson!

Don't help him too much, Karen.

♪ ...as you can possibly get ♪
♪ 'Cause I got game ♪
♪ Well, I got game ♪

I'm pretty sure this is how Batman does it.

[Chuckles]

[Grunts] Okay. Okay.

Aah! Mom. Mom!

Mommy!

[Spoon clinking]

Out so soon?

You locked us in there for an hour, Shannon!

You may not approve of my methods, but I'm sure you'll find the outcome to be satisfactory.

You can't expect that by locking me and Uncle Dwayne in the the same room, we're gonna instantly make out.

I mean, that's what happened, but you can't expect it.

So, it worked?

For a few minutes.

Until the Spotify commercial came on, and I snapped out of it.

Dad is so cheap.

Why didn't he spring for Premium?

Hey, hey, that's not the point.

Of course it is.

You and Uncle Dwayne just needed a little push.

It's so clear you're meant to be together.

He didn't want to have kids with me, Shannon.

What?

That's why we broke up.

He didn't see me as mom material.

Wow. Um, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

Of course you didn't. You're just a kid.

Look, you're very smart for your age.

The fact that you set up my 401k and you talked me out of that nose ring, that means a lot.

But... there's some things you got to learn just by living.

♪ ♪

All you think I can do is build useless support boxes, huh?

Behold... the sleeping loft.

No fancy fireman's pole, just a simple cop ladder, built by a cop, for a cop... because a cop.

You okay, Dad? You seem a little out of it.

Well, I'm working on very little sleep, buddy.

So, thanks for your help, but I didn't need it.

Hold up, Patty. Let's see this puppy in action.

Try it out for us.

No, no. I-I just put a tarp up there, and I haven't painted it yet, so...

Yeah. You don't trust it, do you?

Of course I trust it. I'm a cop.

Well, then climb up there and show it off.

You know what?

I am closer, and I'm lighter, so I will give the loft a test myself.

No, son! Stand down.

If anyone's going up there... it's gonna be me.

Step aside.

[Sighing] Okay.

Here I go. Up the ladder.

[Wood creaking]

[Chuckles uneasily]

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

How do you like me now, mo...

Aah! [Grunting]

I've never been so excited to go to Sunday Mass, because today, it happens to conflict with a certain exercise class my mom is addicted to.

Um, why are you wearing high-performance leggings to church?

Didn't you get the e-mail blast?

We have a buns-only class at 11:00.

But, Mom, this is Mass.

I don't think I've ever seen you miss Mass.

What can I say, Kenny?

I'm committed to the Cross... Training... schedule.

Oh, my God. This place is your new church.

It's not a church. It's a lifestyle.

That was also in the e-mail blast.

I'm serious!

The sayings you're always repeating, the getting yelled at by judgy men, and you've been avoiding church.

This... This Cross Training is your new religion.

What?! Now, that is just crazy talk.

Now, hand me my book, or I'm gonna be late.

Oh, you mean "The 10 Commandments of Kettle Bells"?

[Sighs]

[Door opens]

I can't believe you built a platform with one sheet of particle board.

[Scoffs]

Why wouldn't you just let me help you, Dad?

Uh, you know why.

That's the thing. I suck at the SATs.

Like, analogies, I'm like a baby and they're... robots?

I can't do analogies!

And I'm good at building stuff, and I like it.

Is it so wrong to want to do something that I like?

No, of course not.

I just want you to know what all your options are first.

I get it! You want me to go to college!

That's why you bought me this stupid "DartMouth" shirt!

Oh, who are we kidding?

That kid's never getting into DartMouth.

[Door closes]

Nope.

Hey, I can make fun of him. I'm his dad. You can't.

And let me tell you something else.

The reason I want Jimmy to go to college is so he can be successful and not have to live in a tiny house like me.

I know you're perfect at everything, and your life is so amazing, but, you know, it's not that easy for the rest of us.

I am not perfect.

I just follow in the footsteps of Paul, Sean, Mark, and Brendan.

You took a risk. I only do things that I'm good at.

If anything seems like a challenge, I take the easy way out.

It's why I wanted to dumb down your tiny house design.

I don't know how to cantilever a loft.

Obviously, I don't, either.

Yeah, but you tried. Look at you.

You raised a family.

I don't have the courage to do that.

Jodi would be... a great mom.

The reason that we split is because I was scared that I would suck as a dad.

I didn't know that.

Hey, Dad, it's time for church.

Oh, hey, Shannon. I didn't see you standing there in the kitchen.

I thought this was the library.

It is.

Oh, Lord.

Is that sinner's mix?

I hope you enjoyed that carob chip.

I just snuck a couple of handfuls just to keep my energy up.

And what else?

Yesterday, I drank a Yoo-hoo in my car...

...through a Twizzler.

Okay, let's see.

Give me 30 box jumps, 20 burpies, and 10 clean and jerks.

Then we'll call it even.

♪ ♪

It's like penance.

Walk in strong!

Together: Crawl out stronger!

Oh, my Josh.

I mean, gosh. Kenny was right.

Okay, it's not that unusual.

[Sighs]

I'm here to spring you out.

What's going on, Mom?

I don't know.

I'm not feeling like the greatest Catholic lately.

Why? 'Cause you're dating VP Murray?

And my divorce isn't final yet.

Church just doesn't feel right to me.

I feel like a hypocrite.

I guess I threw myself into this because I thought it'd give me all the structure and community without all the guilt.

You know, kind of like Diet Catholicism.

Hmm.

But the guilt came with me anyway.

And so what if you're not the Catholic you used to be?

Things change, but God still shows up for you.

Trust me.

[Church organ plays]

[Sighs]

Your clothes are literally falling off your body.

You need a carb, girl.

I'll sneak you a sleeve of the body of Christ on the way out.

Now, that's terrible, Kenny.

Grab two.

[Sighs]

So, listen, buddy.

I've been thinking.

If you really don't want to take the SATs, I'm not gonna force you.

Are you kidding me?

No.

I've been busting my butt for that test.

Of course I'm gonna take it.

I might even decimate it.

Sounds right to me.

Hey. I'm sorry I trapped you and Uncle Dwayne together.

And I'm sorry you think the Cranberries are an aphrodisiac, but you should know you're not the reason Uncle Dwayne didn't want to have kids.

He did think of you as a mom.

He just didn't think of himself as a dad.

You're gonna be an awesome mom one day.

I know I will.

But until then, I'll go to the park with you.

You'll be my fake kid?

A girl still likes to get pushed on the swings every now and then.

[Gasps]

Wow, Mom, you're really making up for lost time, aren't ya?

No. My quads are just too sore to get up.

[Whispering] Gotcha. A little help here.

Aah-ah-ah-ah!

Sorry.

Huh?

Very nice.

Looks great, Dad.

Yeah. I like what you've done with it.

Thank you very much.

And last but not least... toilet desk.

Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

I was just writing my novel.

Glad to see you're finally using the toilet for good.

Well, shall we retire to the dining room?

Yeah.

Yes.

But I'm skipping the shower rice.

Mm-hmm.

Wait. How does this...

Oh, you'll get it.

Is this push or pull?