02x09 - D.K.'s New Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

I'm just saying, every time you order a beet salad, you don't have to ask the waiter, "Excuse me. Are these beets by Dre?"

I know I don't have to, but a good comedian goes the extra mile.

Listen.

What?

This is what 3:00 sounds like.

So peaceful.

So, half day, house to ourselves.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

We are gonna nap so hard right now.

[Both laugh]

I call little spoon.

You don't have to call it anymore. It's assumed.

Ah! This place is a mess.

Does your dad have to leave his socks hanging on the couch?

Enough of your rules, Allison.

He can't leave his socks on the couch.

He can't nap in our bed.

Has there been any talk of an end to his "visit"?

I thought you were in a good place with my dad.

Don't get me wrong. I-I love him, and he saved Thanksgiving, but just because you're in a good place with lasagna doesn't mean you want to eat it every night.

Well, not your lasagna.

Oh, come on! His shoes?!

What's with him?

You're one to talk, leaving your bra lying around.

That's not my bra.

Oh, hey.

You two are supposed to be at work.

Hey, where'd... oh, hello.

Uh, this is Linda.

Linda, Ken, Allison.

Uh, hi. It's nice to meet you. [Stammers]

Nope. I'm a hugger.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

I got a pretty solid lead on that bra mystery.

[Door closes]

[Singsong voice] Busted.

Dad, um, can we talk about this?

You know, I'm just gonna...

You... I need to... no... no excuse.

Sorry. I didn't think anybody was home.

Next time, we'll hang out at Linda's.

Is she that Realtor you were with at The Cheesecake Factory?

Yeah. She's my girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Since when?

Uh, five weeks ago, closed on condo, three weeks ago, closed on Linda.

Great. I'm glad you're getting out there, but, uh...

Look, all I'm saying is just, you know, show some consideration. That's all.

Okay, I got it, Dad.

Yeah. Oh, clever, 'cause you're my dad.

[Chuckles]

But what do you say we shut down the sex grotto?

Or you can stay out of my business.

Whoa, Dad, I'm not trying to upset you, but, um... okay.

If you're gonna go there, uh, you're in my house, so, actually, it is my business.

Oh. Is that how it is?

Oh, I didn't... that you were still... I...

I'm telling you, Allison, something's off with my dad.

I know what you mean. He hasn't been himself lately.

But that doesn't make it okay that we walk into the house and find him in the middle of...

Go ahead.

In the middle of what?

Uh [clears throat] entertaining a lady friend.

Ooh!

Ooh!

You got to back this story up.

No, actually, I was talking to Ken.

Yeah, guys, this is kind of personal.

I'll fill you in over lunch.

[Cellphone dings]

Oh, my God.

Molly wants to hang out tomorrow.

She never does that anymore.

[Gasps] I know what this is.

She needs her Mama Bear. Ah. Classic cub call.

Well, I know you like being needed.

I mean, that's why you married me.

[Chuckles]

You know what? I'm gonna make this special.

We're gonna have a spa day.

[Gasps] Ooh! Who's gonna have a spa day?

Oh, just me and Mo...

Just, uh... just Allison and Molly.

Yeah.

But fun. Which spa?

I don't know. Burke Williams.

Ooh.

What are you gonna get... a facial, a massage?

Maybe a little manicure?

Hey, you do dishes for a family of five and try and keep a top coat on for more than three days, okay?

You are so right.

That's on us for sure.

She does not do dishes for a family of five.

Please. They order in like every night.

Hey, any chance "Papa Bear" gets in on that spa action?

You can't. You're taking Dave to the Glendale Jazz Festival, remember?

Ah, right.

Jazz... rock 'n' roll's comatose little brother.

Hey, Ken, I couldn't help but overhear that you're, uh, going to the Glendale Jazz Festival.

Yeah.

Ah, well, slap my knee and call me Kathy. Me, too.

"Kathy"?

You actually like jazz?

Oh, yeah. Jazz and I have a lot in common... aimless, more loved in another era, best enjoyed by drunk people in New Orleans.

Well, I'll see you at the concert.

[Scatting]

So, what is it you wanted to talk about?

Nothing. I just wanted to hang out.

Come on. It's Mama Bear.

We're in the safe cave.

Well, I'm a little unnerved by whatever that was.

Okay.

Well, if anything comes up, just let me know.

This is our day, just you and me.

[Giggles]

Hey, ladies.

Where's the party?

What are you guys doing here?

Okay, okay.

So, you mentioned a spa day yesterday.

Mm-hmm.

And you know that thing where somebody says, "Banana," and then somebody else says, "Banana," and you just... you think to yourself, "Oh, my God, I want a banana"?

Well, that happened.

He's drunk.

We both are, but just...

No, just a little bit.

Just a brunch drunk.

[Jazz music playing]

[Music stops]

[Applause]

Whoo! Whoo!

All right, Dave, let's go, buddy.

[Music resumes]

Each one of these guys gets a solo?

I've got to be back at work next week.

Dad, I feel like jazz might not be your thing.

What? No.

[Chuckling] Who needs structure?

Run free, music! Run free!

If you want to go, maybe Pat can take me home.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

I wouldn't mind, 'cause you're kind of harshing our jazz buzz with your downer vibes.

I don't know.

I feel like I should stick around.

Oh, even the bass gets a solo?

Have fun, guys.

So... being a kid... how's that going?

We can just listen to the music.

Excellent.

Dad, what are you doing?

Moving out.

Linda and I decided to live together.

After three weeks?

What do you even know about this woman?

I don't know.

She's pretty. Oh, and she likes mermaids.

Okay, so, you're moving in with someone you barely know?

I know she said she'd love to have me... unlike some people.

What?

You said the other day, "This is my house."

You're right.

You and Allison don't want me.

I'm a burden.

Okay, calm down, Dad. That's not true.

Oh, yeah? I heard you talking about me.

"When is he gonna leave?"

Huh?

Son, I get it.

I'm not the easiest guy to have around.

I butt in, have card games without asking.

I get on everybody's nerves.

You'll be happier without me.

This isn't like you, Dad. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. What's wrong with you?

Look, we... we do want you here.

It's just a boundary issue. That's all.

No boundary issues if I'm not here.

Problem solved.

Dad, can I just say one thing?

What?

You packed our remote.

I know. It's universal. Linda's is broken.

I don't pack randomly.

Dad...

[Door closes]

[Jazz music playing]

Mm. Ah.

Excuse me. Hi.

Not to be all cliché, but is this seat taken?

Well, not to be all eager, but, thank God, no. Please sit down.

So, are you guys enjoying the show?

Does Squash Perkins blow a stanky oboe?

That's a jazzy "yes." [Chuckles]

Oh, you two are so cute together.

Ah?

Thank you.

Oh, I'm a single parent, too, and I also adopted.

My son's with his grandma right now, just in case you were wondering, "What's Megan doing alone at a jazz festival talking to a cute guy and his son?"

Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

I assumed that you were adopted and you were his father.

I thought we were in the same boat.

Well, ahoy... is my nautical way of saying he is definitely my son.

[Laughs] What do you say?

[Chuckles]

Ah.

May I have a word with you, Dad?

Sure.

Uh, well, uh, permission to go ashore?

Uh, granted.

[Both laugh]

Ah.

What?!

What was that?

What? Look, I panicked, all right?

I thought it would make her like me, and I think I like her, so could you just play along?

[Sighs] Fine. I'll be your wingboy.

Ah, great.

Ooh. [Laughs] Grr!

But please, no more noogies.

Don't talk back to your dad.

Would you like a callous remover?

I'm good.

No. She needs it. Sand them, Vivian.

Well, another boundary trampled.

Remind me to invite them to my next mammogram.

I thought you liked Clark and Damona.

That's not the point.

At work, anytime something personal comes up, it's like we're on a talk show... and not even a one-on-one, like with Ellen.

They're a frickin' panel.

Well, think of it this way... you're new, and they're trying to show you they like you.

It's like when a cat brings you a dead mouse, except instead of a dead mouse, it's unsolicited advice about your feet.

Although, he wasn't wrong.

But if you accept the dead mouse instead of always putting up walls, they'll know you like them, too.

You're pretty insightful.

I am my mother's daughter.

So what else you got?

I'm in the zone. Hit me.

No, no, no, no. We're here to relax.

Okay.

[Both sigh]

Okay, since I moved to the HMO, I feel like I'm stuck in this giant bureaucracy.

Instead of spending more time with patients, I have to go to meetings, constant meetings.

Need a vacation day? Meeting.

Out of toilet paper? Meeting.

Need to schedule a meeting? Meeting.

I had to be in early Monday for a meeting meeting!

And on top of that...

[Laughs]

Yo, we just took another couple's couples massage.

Yeah, so, if anyone asks, we're the Del Toros.

Hey, Allison, I didn't want to bother you, but Clark and Damona aren't available for some reason.

Anyway, my dad and I got into a thing and it escalated and he moved out and went to live with that... that Realtor.

I don't know what his deal is.

Even worse, he made off with our remote.

Yeah. I tried to distract myself by watching TV, but I had to get up like five times to change the channel, and... and my hammies are on fire.

I don't know what to do.

Wait. I do know what to do.

I got to get him back.

I also got try to get my remote back, too, but no promises. Got to pick my battles.

Oh, and we're out of yogurt. Love you. Bye.

[Jazz music playing]

[Cheers and applause]

That was something.

Wow. Well, it was great getting to know you.

Oh, hey, uh, why don't we stick around, order some dinner?

Oh, I'd love to.

You sure you guys don't have plans?

No, no, no. Um, Dave's game got canceled.

Did it ever.

Great. I'd love to.

Let me just check in with my son first.

[Chuckles]

That sounds like something I'd do.

[Both chuckle]

Oh, boy.

Seriously? Dinner?

Oh, come on, Dave.

It's not every day that a pretty woman at a jazz festival likes me for having an adopted Asian child.

But how are we gonna pull this off?

It'll be just like jazz. We improvise.

And then at a certain point, you're gonna go home, and... and I'm gonna do my solo.

Fine, but I just have to text my dad to make sure it's okay.

All right. Remind him I'm his boss.

[Sighs] Hey.

Hey. [Chuckles]

So, Dave, your game got canceled.

What sport are you playing?

Uh, Little League.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Jesse plays Little League, too, but, you know, during baseball season.

Yeah, well, he meant Little League...

Fencing.

Fencing.

There's a fencing league?

It's little.

Yeah. Thus, little league.

Am I right?

[Chuckles]

The parking is ridiculous, the elevators are slow... thank you... and in the cafeteria, they write "tacos" with an apostrophe like there's someone named Taco and something belongs to him.

It's okay, Mom. I get it.

All but one of those things seem really hard.

I guess I'm just wondering if joining the HMO was the right move.

Are you kidding?

It was definitely the right thing.

Really?

Yeah. When you were in private practice, we never got to see you. You were always on call.

Now, when you're off, you're off, like today, and we get to spend it together.

I'm going to college soon, and I'll miss this.

Oh, honey.

My little cub has become a mama bear.

[Chuckles]

Mm.

I can't find my slipper.

What's happening here?

Oh, we're not...

You know what, Clark?

My amazing daughter was helping me realize that, by moving to the HMO, she and I can spend more quality time together.

Yeah, I feel like that's something you guys should keep between you.

We have a situation.

What?

The actual Del Toros showed up.

[Gasps]

Girls, bye.

[Laughs]

Ken.

What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Are you alone?

Yeah, Linda's showing a house in Tarzana, priced to sell.

Should be multiple offers.

Damn.

She really does like mermaids.

Look, I'm sorry we hurt your feelings.

That's on us.

We weren't trying to push you away.

I mean, you're a big part of our lives.

You helped Dave adjust to middle school.

You were a hero on Thanksgiving.

And you're Molly and Dave's favorite grandparent.

You're by no means a burden.

So, please... come back?

I don't know.

You've been really sensitive and irritable and all over the place.

What's going on?

I'm in my 70s, living in my son's guest room.

It's not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.

I'm independent guy, not some feeble old man.

I know what this is.

I've seen it before in some of my patients.

You're having what's called a later-life crisis.

Crisis? No. I don't have crisis.

No. It's just a term. It's common as people get older.

You're a little lost, lonely.

You're feeling the loss of your marriage.

I know things weren't perfect with your mother, but at least with her... I knew who I was.

I don't like feeling this way.

It's not fun.

I know, but... you're gonna get through it, and you'll find yourself again.

And in the meanwhile, why not do it with us... and, most importantly, with me?

What about you guys complaining about me?

Hey, if people who got complained about weren't allowed in the house, I'd be the first one on the curb.

[Both laugh]

Let's go home.

Yes, sir.

Besides, this place is terrible... mermaids everywhere, but no Wi-Fi.

I ain't got time for that.

And Linda's gonna be okay with you leaving?

Yeah. I play hard to get.

Makes her crazy.

Uh, crazier.

[Laughs]

Oh, let me.

Yeah.

Thank you.

So, how old was Dave when he came to live with you?

4.

1.

4 and 1.

Which is 5.

Yeah. 5 months. He was 5... 5 months.

Ah, shrimp, son?

I really shouldn't, you know, because I'm deathly allergic.

Ah, it's just a little one. Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you kidding me?

What?

I'm sorry, but right now you are acting like a terrible parent, and for me, that is a red flag.

Oh.

Well, good news... he's not my kid.

See?

I'm not a bad parent.

I'm just a bad liar.

Ugh. Why do I keep meeting these creeps?

First I'm infertile, and now this?

Being Megan is the worst.

Aw, Megan, come on.

Oh, creep!

Megan...

Ohh.

[Both sigh]

Well, I think we both knew how that song was gonna end.

[Groans]

You don't have to pretend to have an adopted Asian son to get people to like you.

Thanks, Dave.

No one's ever said that to me before.

I guess I just want to be in a relationship, you know?

Sometimes I even think about having kids.

But after today's cluster-munch...

Well, you're responsible enough that my dad trusted you me.

True.

And while you don't have all the qualities I've come to associate with a father, like petulance and unchecked narcissism...

I think you'd be a great dad.

Well, thanks, Dave. Thanks a lot.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe there is hope for me as a parent yet.

[Chuckles]

Oh, shrimp?

Oh, right, not your thing.

Right, right.

Can you turn it down?

Oh, sure.

[Button clicking]

You just made it brighter.

Oh, damn it.

Looking for this?

[Door closes]

I, uh, stopped off and got you new batteries.

Thanks.

No. Thank you.

[Sighs]

You know what?

It's the right thing that he's back here.

You sure you're okay with this?

Yeah, I'm fine, 'cause today I realized it feels pretty great when your kid wants to be with you.

And I'm never gonna be the one to take that feeling away from your dad.

Aww, thanks.

It's been a weird day.

I was there for my dad.

Molly was there for you.

I guess sometimes the universe shifts, and our roles flow in reverse, you know?

Okay, that's enough hippie tea for you.

Hey, daddios.

Dave! How was the jazz festival?

Great, then odd, then fun.

Dave, do you think when I'm old, you'd want me to come live with you?

Of course, Dad. But don't say anything to Pat.

I made the same promise to him.

'Night.

[Scatting]