02x09 - Walter Has to Look After Walter

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Blunt Talk...

Happy three-month anniversary, Mommy.

Do you call him Daddy?

No, but I'd like to.

You're wasting your time, okay? I'm just the middleman for the middleman for the middleman for the middleman.

Don't you make me find out if this g*n is loaded.

Walter: Who is behind this propaganda?

Corporations who invested in overpriced technology like desalinization.

I want to get hold of the elusive CEO of this company, Daniel Rudolph.

Walter: Harry and Rafe and I have been arrested for the m*rder of Arbogast.

Did you do it?

No, of course not!

So what happened? You crossed Rudolph Global and they framed you?

Exactly.

Until all the charges are dropped, you are suspended.

No!

♪ ♪
♪ Blunt ♪
♪ Talk. ♪

Have you spotted any dolphins, sea lions, whales, condors, sharks or elephant seals, Major?

We're not here for sightseeing, Harry.

I estimate about 500 yards north of here is where the Rudolphs' desalinization plant could be situated.

[sighs]

Can you let the quest go for just one minute, sir?

I thought we were also here to get away.

There is no getting away, Harry. There's no escape.

There are only four more days until the vote on Proposition 68.

You know, Major, if you hadn't seen Cornelia through that bus window, none of this would have happened.

You would still have Blunt Talk.

Love destroys, Harry. We both know that now.

Yes, Major.

I'd still like to see a dolphin.

Hmm.

Or an elephant seal.

It's always been a goal of mine to see an elephant seal make love.

Well, it... it's good to have goals, Harry.

[beeping]

Oh, check it now. Check it now.

What's it say? What's it say?

It's a smiley face.

Okay.

Definitely a smiley face. Um...

I'm pregnant.

Martin! Oh.

Come on. [whimpers]

[grunting]

Are you all right, my love?

My stars, my moon, my cock, my man.

What happened?

You fainted because I'm pregnant.

Oh.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that my parents are gonna k*ll me and that I still haven't paid off my student loans.

Wh... what are you thinking?

I'm thinking we're going to have a beautiful baby.

[beeps]

Jim, darling, wake up. Time for work.

Wake up, Jim.

Oh. Morning, Mommy.

Morning, Daddy.

Someday I'm going to put a ring on one of these toes.

Jim, remember, we said baby steps.

Yeah, I know. I was just joking.

I learned something from my colonoscopy.

[kissing]

[moaning]

[chuckles]

God, that was good.

Pure bliss.

What did Jules Verne say?

"The sea is infinite, the sea is love."

Yeah, well, if Daniel Rudolph has his way, all this will cease to exist.

You have a tendency to cast a dark shadow over things, Major.

Yes, I know, Harry. It's one of my strengths.

Well, we should break camp.

My meeting with Gardner is in two hours.

Major... whenever I went to the sea with my mother, I always asked if I could have one more swim, one more frolic.

And she would always say, "No, Harry.

"You've had enough happiness for one day."

So...

Yes, of course, Harry.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

[laughing]

[yelling]

[Walter chuckles]

[whooping]

I am sorry, Walter, but I cannot lift your suspension.

Also, Shelly is doing great.

She's got beautiful, sexy numbers.

All the charges are going to be dropped, Bob.

My new lawyer got hold of the autopsy report.

It was impossible for us to have k*lled Arbogast.

The major was on-air at the time of death.

That is a good alibi, but you're still toxic as hell.

Have you seen today's paper?

You've been drought-shamed.

Walter: What?

Damn it! Harry.

Well, I bought cacti and other indigenous flora just as we discussed.

They also say you employ an illegal alien as an unpaid sl*ve.

That is not true. The major gives me a very nice allowance.

Each week he pays me...

[stammering] Ah!

That's private, Harry.

Yes, Major.

Bob, Proposition 68 is coming up.

Please let me on the air.

We need to do this for Los Angeles!

If it were up to me, I would put you back on.

But Bronson ripped into me when I was in New York.

He was ready to fire me because of you.

So Bob has to look after Bob.

I'm sorry.

I understand.

But Walter has to look after Walter.

♪ ♪

Now, I don't want to be mean, but none of this is working.

Okay? I need a Tinkle brand story.

Something horrific or feminist.

Or horrific and feminist. I know you can do it.

Hey, look. What about this?

Clowns all across Europe have been committing su1c1de.

The Lancet did a study on it.

Really?

Yes, and they're comparing it to birds falling out of the sky.

"A portent of a dark time."

Do the clowns k*ll themselves in costume or in their street clothes?

That's what I was wondering.

I'm not sure.

Either way, it's a great story.

And the feminist angle can be... why are there so few women clowns?

Sorry I'm late.

Martin, darling.

Why are you wearing sunglasses?

Because I've been crying all morning.

Oh, why?

I can't say. I'm trying to be stoic.

Tsk, oh.

[blows]

Thank you.

Oh.

[bell chimes]

Champagne, Mr. Blunt?

I'll attend to the major, thank you.

All right, Bronson's secretary got back to me.

He will meet us late tonight.

Well done, sir.

Oh, thank you, Harry.

And I had an email from Rafe from the jail library.

He and Duncan Adler have started a recycling initiative.

Oh, sounds positive.

And they're doing "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" and Rafe is playing the alcoholic wife.

Naturally, sir.

[rattles]

Oh, dear.

I hate flying. [whimpers]

What are you writing?

A story on black market lingerie sales in Saudi Arabia.

Under their burkas, there's a revolution going on.

Oh, excellent.

Yeah.

Shelly will love that.

Very on brand.

[sighs]

Wh... what's the matter, Rosalie?

I'm missing Teddy.

And I'm worried about Martin.

Have you spoken to him? Do you know anything?

No, he's been crying all day.

Oh.

But it's too soon for his male period.

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah, because I'm a week ahead of him and my breasts are k*lling me.

Well, see if you can talk to him, then.

Give him counsel. He looks up to you, Jim.

Yeah, I know.

I'll work some of my big brother magic.

Oh, my God, Martin!

You're way too young. You're still a child yourself.

I know. I only started puberty 13 years ago.

This March is the anniversary.

I'm not ready to be a father.

Are you sure that it's yours?

Aren't you guys in an open relationship?

Yeah, but we've only been open for a few days.

Rosalie's only other partner has been Rosalie.

Yeah, it's unlikely Rosalie knocked up Rosalie.

Of course it's unlikely, Jim.

Well, you need to find out if she's been with anyone else just to be sure.

Yeah, but she's only ever been with three other guys her whole life and one of them had a micro penis.

That doesn't matter.

If they hooked up recently he could still get her pregnant.

The micro penis gene has to get passed on somehow.

This has not been a very helpful conversation, Jim.

Oh, please don't tell anyone what's going on, okay?

I need to take care of this on my own like a rugged individual.

Like Teddy Roosevelt.

Can I tell Celia?

No, not telling anyone means not telling Celia.

Okay?

Wait, is that thing on?

No.

Okay.

Celia, are you there?

f*ck.

Up next, what do women wear under their burkas in Saudi Arabia?

Ooh, I'd like to know.

Back after this.

Oh, isn't she fantastic?

Oh, I mean, I know we miss Walter, but a performance like that makes me feel good about being alive.

Tinkle, Tinkle, little star.

Yes, Bob.

Oh, and you, you are doing a great job of keeping this team together.

Mwah. Oh!

Did Martin say what's going on?

No, he's trying to be like Teddy Roosevelt.

Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have given him that biography.

Shelly's all set.

Holy sh*t.

Announcer: Is this what you want for your children?

Water from your neighbor's toilet?

Vote against Proposition 68.

Rudolph Global bought ad time on Blunt Talk?

Walter's gonna hate this, but this ad makes me scared of recycled water.

Maybe that's why that hydrologist had that huge herpes blister.

Oh, don't say that. I slept with him.

What? Celia!

I'm joking.

[exhales]

You know, Shelly, you have got what it takes.

You've got that special quality.

You really think so?

Oh, yeah.

It's a narcissism that all the great anchors have.

It comes off of you in waves just like Walter.

I'm so flattered you feel this way, Mr. Gardner.

[clinks]

[clock ticking]

No, don't get up, please.

Very nice to see you again, Walter.

Your color is very good.

Healthy, vital, blooming.

Moist.

[chuckles] Yes.

Well, thank you for seeing me at this late hour.

I only requested this meeting because of the urgency of what's at stake.

Hmm, how are you feeling?

I know you've been through a lot.

Are you sane or insane?

I'm sane, of course.

Do you ever look at your body, Mr. Blunt?

This strange glove that houses your spirit.

Just today I was looking down at my legs and I thought to myself why are we clocks that have to stop running?

Are you wondering if I contemplate my mortality?

Yes.

Of course I do.

Good. I was just checking.

I like to know how my employees are doing.

Mr. Bronson, I'd like to cut to the chase.

I want to be reinstated...

Quiet!

You live in a dream, Blunt. You don't know who you are.

Your face is a mask.

No one knows you. You don't know yourself.

I take offense at everything you're saying.

You see your life in romantic terms, but it's a fantasy.

You feed your mind with lies.

Why are you speaking to me in this way?

Because I'm trying to help you.

What do you think you're doing with the broadcast I gave you?

I do what I think is right.

Rudolph Global is a dangerous corporation.

They need to be exposed.

I happen to care about Rudolph Global, Mr. Blunt.

I also cared about Exxon Mobil and Samsung and Pfizer, and the American Joe with his erectile dysfunction and chronic psoriasis, who's buying the pills and the creams that play between your A block and your B block and between your B block and your C block and between your C block and your D block.

You're a shill for a corrupt machine, Blunt.

So how can you possibly say you do what is right when you're part of everything that's wrong?

Thank you for coming to see me.

Um, Celia, there's something I have to tell you.

Oh, no, what now?

Evelyn texted me.

That's no big deal. Just tell her you're not a prost*tute anymore.

But she wants me to escort her tomorrow night to another fundraiser for Sandler and it's at Daniel Rudolph's house.

So Rudolph will be there?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's... it's a surrealist ball like the one the Rothschilds threw in '72.

Yeah, I've seen pictures of that party. Audrey Hepburn wore a birdcage.

Anyway, I think I should go and somehow bring Walter.

Oh, God, I love this. Wh-why can't we all go?

Well, we could, but we'd have to go with Evelyn.

That's okay as long as I get half of whatever she pays you.

Oh, I really like you, Shelly, and I'm not just speaking professionally.

Oh, I feel the same way.

I've never experienced chemistry like this.

Me either. What do you think?

Huh? You want to do it right here on Walter's desk?

[laughs] Oh, naughty.

But, gee, Bob, I don't know.

What about his couch? Would that be okay?

Sure, I guess we don't want to be too disrespectful. No.

[moaning]

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If we're gonna make love, there's something you should know.

What, you have cancer?

No.

Show it to me.

[grunts]

[grunting]

f*ck. sh*t.

[grunts, exhales]

[sighs]

[exhales]

That's my ass pad.

You know, showbiz.

Do you still like me?

Of course.

My boyfriend wears the same thing.

That's hot.

Mm. Oh!

My name is Gregory Arkadin!

I will pay anything. I'll give you a check now.

I must have a seat on that plane.

[gasps]

I must have a seat on that plane.

Seat on that plane.

Major, are you all right?

Just a bad dream, Harry.

About Bronson, sir?

No, another Orson Welles.

Oh.

f*ck that madman Bronson.

I am not gonna quit, Harry.

We'll find a way, sir. You're better than Rudolph Global.

[bell dings] Folks, we're gonna be having some mild turbulence.

Nothing too bad, but go ahead and return to your seats and buckle up.

[rattles]

We're all going to die!

[liquid pours]

So, the Rudolphs fancy themselves as latter-day Rothschilds.

Such ego.

Jim's friend got us tickets to the party.

It starts at midnight and goes to noon.

It's supposed to be surreal time.

And costumes are mandatory.

And if we can get you alone with Rudolph, maybe you could get him talking and secretly tape him like old-school Mike Wallace.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah.

But what would we wear to a surrealist party?

I mean, how would I blend in?

Um, w-we could disguise ourselves as women, Major.

I've always wanted to cross-dress ever since I was a boy.

Good thinking, Harry.

How are my girls doing?

Oh, look at you two. I already got a hard-on.

Save it for me, sweetie.

Oh, I always do, Stanley.

Ronnie, is this the right shade?

♪ ♪

I still can't believe we both came as Audrey Hepburn.

I guess we just have the same taste in a lot of things... dresses, birdcages, hunks.

Um, our friends are pulling up.

Um, Evelyn, these ladies are our plus two.

I'm Harriet and this is Winnie.

We're third cousins. Best friends.

I love both your dresses.

Thank you.

Shall we?

Sorry.

♪ ♪

[chatter]

Is the camera set?

Oh, yes. It's affixed to my bosom.

Great.

[caws]

Don't be rude.

[caws]

♪ ♪

[chatter]

What a beautiful gem-encrusted music box.

How long have you known Daniel Rudolph?

I've been coming to his parties for years, but we've never actually met.

He's always in a private orgy room with the A-list people.

I see.

I'm not A-list, I'm afraid.

I'm D-list, but I have a good time.

Oh, champagne!

Let's split up.

If you find Daniel Rudolph in his private room before we do, you come and find us.

Copy that.

Okay.

It's nice not to be wearing pants for once, don't you think, Major?

Yes, Harry.

I'm loving the sensation of air between my thighs.

Wearing a dress, it's arousing to realize how easily our legs could be parted to get at our private female jewel.

Harry, you don't have a private female jewel.

Please keep your mind on the mission.

We need to avoid Margaret and find Daniel.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Good.

♪ ♪

Holy sh*t. Do these toilets work?

Oh, God, no. I made that mistake last year.

Oh, that's disgusting.

So do they serve food in the bathroom?

Yes. I'm going to the loo now. I'm hungry.

Come with me, sweetheart.

♪ ♪

Harry, let's check in here.

Yes, sir.

That was odd.

♪ If I go to heaven ♪
♪ And if there is a cafe there called love ♪
♪ I'll order a divine refreshment ♪
♪ And chat the angel waiter up if he is not too rushed ♪
♪ He will ask me for some form of ID ♪
♪ And note the faraway look in my eyes ♪
♪ He will hand me a menu of men and then ♪
♪ He'll take my order for next time ♪
♪ I choose you, I choose you... ♪

Harry, I think I've been spotted. Let's get out of here.

Find her bloody brother.

Yes, sir.

♪ So I choose you ♪
♪ I choose you... ♪
♪ ♪

Oh, goody.

Sweets.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-uh, that's for display only.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

That's all right, just don't do it again.

Pardon me, might you know where the host of the party is?

Daniel Rudolph.

Down the hall, third door on the right.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome, ladies.

Come along, Harriet.

Yes, Winnie. Thank you.

♪ ♪

[woman singing in Portuguese]

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me. This is a private room.

If you ladies are looking for the raw bar, it's in the bathroom down the hall.

We're not looking for the raw bar.

Are you Daniel Rudolph?

[music stops]

[wheelchair clunks]

Who wants to know?

I want to know.

[wheelchair clunks]

Who's I?

This is Walter Blunt. Stop playing games.

Oh, Mr. Blunt!

I've been waiting for you.

You have?

No, no, I just say that to everyone. Makes them feel special.

Girls, could you please give us some privacy?

Same again, please.

[meows]

Thank you.

Hey there, doll face.

Polly want a cr*cker?

Barry?

Hey, you're that broad who put a g*n on me.

No, I'm not.

Better take you to the boss.

Come on. Come on. Come here!

No.

[whimpering]

Oh, damn!

I've heard of you, Mr. Blunt.

My sister told me the two of you are dating.

I would hardly call it dating.

I would like to ask you some questions, Mr. Rudolph.

Oh, I could see why Margaret likes you so much.

You know, if you didn't shave, you'd be a good-looking woman.

You, too.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Let's quit fooling around.

I want to talk to you about the murders you've had committed.

Oh, is this one of those plays people put on at parties?

Are you supposed to be Angela Lansbury?

Leave my brother alone, Walter.

Hello, Margaret.

Danny, why don't you run along?

I can deal with these two.

The law says we can sh**t home invaders.

Okay, Margie.

[wheelchair clunking]

[grunting]

Oh, f*ck it.

Okay, that's enough.

Mm-hmm.

Have you been behind all of this?

I thought it was your brother and you were his helper.

What a sexist thing to say.

Come on.

You're not really going to sh**t us.

Why didn't you call after we made love?

Because you drugged me and stole the logbook.

Still could have called.

Turn around, both of you.

Margaret.

Turn around! I f*cking mean it!

I liked you, Walter. I really did.

But you've made me very unhappy, and I don't like being unhappy.

Life is too short.

[clicks]

♪ ♪