03x08 - Whitney Houston, We Have a Problem

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

You are not okay, and I want to help you.

I don't need your help!

I hate you! You're a monster!

God, I'm gonna have to find a new hideout.

This looks like a good place for Mama's hideaway.

Melissa... she's gone.

I'm in the elevator! Please, please help me!

Todd: Oh, my God. It says good-bye.

What do we do?

Hey, don't worry, T-Bone.

I got this, huh?

Okay, the note Melissa left says "good-bye."

Those are our clues. "Good" and "bye."

What do we know about this message?

Okay, "bye" means she's left.

That's what you say when you're leaving.

"Good" means good. She wishes us well.

I don't think this is helping.

This is not helping. We got to be smarter about this.

What do we know? What do we know? What we do know? Okay.

We know the note says "good-bye," okay?

We know she wrote it by hand.

We're not dealing with an amateur here.

She's left places before. She's good.

Tandy, we're wasting time.

Just saying we're wasting time is a waste of time in itself, okay?

But he does have a point.

We know that the first 48 hours are crucial.

We know that nobody is ever found after the first 48 hours.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Maybe it stands for something!

Maybe it stands for something!

Yes. Okay, "good-bye." "G" is for "gone."

"O" is for "outside." Another "O," reaffirming the previous "outside."

"D" is for "duh," as in it's a no-brainer that she's outside. "B" is for "bye."

That's, uh, part of the word. "Y" is for "yes, you're on the right track with all the letters thus far."

And "E," uh... E, E, E, E, uh, uh, uh, uh, "eagle."

Tandy, maybe we should just cr*ck this code on the road.

Totally, Carol. Okay.

Oh, my God, there she is!

Huh?

Is what I want to hear from someone within the next 47 hours and 50 minutes.

Okay, let's jet. Come on, go!

We've wasted time.

Right, Tandy.

(horn honking in distance)

Carol, come on, let's go!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, I'm in here!

What's going on, bud?

I don't know.

She's, like, taking a dump or something, gosh.

Carol!

Stupid frigging g*n.

Hey, hey!

(honking in distance)

All right, okay!

I was just leaving a note for Gail so she knows where we are.

Help! Help.

Come on.

(siren chirps)

(distant g*nshots)

Todd (on bullhorn): Melissa.

Melissa.

Melissa.

Hey, bud.

We didn't see anything. You?

No. Same here.

I'm gonna head towards Milpitas.

You check out Saratoga.

Let's call it for the night.

Everyone's massively pooped.

Nah. I'm not going back till I find her, Tandy.

(engine starts)

Hey, Todd.

Yeah?

Find her.

Okay.

Melissa.

Melissa?

Gail: Bunch of frigging turds.

Course, I would have found them by now.

Well, you know what they say, Gordon.

If you want something done, you got to do it yourself.

All right, lawn chair, hope you've got your affairs in order, 'cause you're about to meet your maker.

Cause of death: Gail Klosterman.

Okay.

Lewis: Okay, so we already checked Sunnyvale.

Erica: Yeah.

And Campbell.

Yeah.

And Los Gatos.

Don't forget these areas.

And then if we jump on the freeway, we could maybe get south.

I don't know, maybe she got that far if she stole a car or something.

Okay.

And this area right here.

Okay.

You head this way, yeah, and we'll just, like, look at these...

And, um, I don't know, maybe tomorrow, we just get on the freeway in this area.

And then, if we have time, we come over here....

Tandy: Good morning, Vietnam.

Both: Hey, Tandy.

Notice anything different about me?

You're wearing a dinosaur suit?

No, I'm not. Oh, no! Wha-Wha...

Oh, good God, have I turned into a dinosaur?

No...!

Oh, JK. No, I'm wearing a dinosaur suit. Yeah.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, really, huh?

Well, let me ask you a question, Lewis.

Uh, what were you wearing last night when you were searching for Melissa?

A shirt and pants.

Huh.

And how many Melissas did you find?

None.

None. Huh.

So, uh, yeah, I'm no math doctor, but that seems to me one less than we were searching for.

And you think wearing that suit is gonna help find her?

You catch crazy with crazy.

Huh? It's simple logic.

I feel like that might scare her off even further.

It's not gonna scare her.

Aah! No!

No!

Oh, no, Todd.

Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.

No! No!

Todd, Todd.

Aah!

Bud, it's me. It's me. It's me, Tandy.

Oh... okay.

Oh, God, you scared me to death, bud.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Just so you know, dinosaurs have not been around for, like, thousands of years.

I know. I'm just so tired, bud.

I was out all last night. I just stopped by for some power bars and coffee before I head back out.

I'm worried about you. You need to get some sleep, bud.

No, I'm fine. I need to do this.

I just need to amp up with a little more java.

Hey. Has anybody seen my mom?

She didn't sleep in her bed last night.

She said she was going on vacation, but she didn't pack a bag and none of her wines are gone.

Oh, don't worry. Gail does that.

She'll be back in a couple of days, reeking of booze, but she'll be high on life.

And some dr*gs.

Okay, that's such a relief.

'Cause there was just this little part of me that thought that maybe she left 'cause of me.

Why is that?

'Cause she said she was leaving 'cause of me.

And you got that from that?

Yeah. She wouldn't do that, right?

Not a chance. Right, guys?

N-No.

Lewis: No.

No. No.

Okay, guys, we're spending a lot of time talking about someone we're pretty sure is not missing, while someone we know is missing is out there and possibly in danger.

Todd's right. Hey, let's keep our eyes on the prize.

Whoa.

Real hard to see in this thing.

Todd (on bullhorn): Melissa.

Carol: Melissa!

Melissa?

Melissa!

Melissa?

Mom.

(engine stops)

Lewis, why are we stopping?

Uh... I want to check out that shrub.

Think it's a Comprosma rugosa. Very rare.

At this latitude? I thought they were indigenous to the grasslands of New Zealand.

He's taking a pee.

Oh.

Melissa.

Mom.

Melissa.

Tandy: Guys, guys!

I found something.

A frigging hula hoop.

Come on, Tandy.

Tag's still on. That'll be good for resale.

Little help here?

No?

Okay, I got it.

Todd: Melissa.

Mom.

Carol, I thought we talked about this.

We're looking for Melissa.

Yeah, but Gail's...

Gail is fine.

Sorry, I just...

No, I'm sorry. We just need to focus, all right?

Of course.

Melissa!

Melissa!

Mom!

Oh, I'm so sorry... old habits.

Melissa.

Melissa.

Melissa.

False alarm.

Hey, it's gonna get dark soon. Should we head back?

We're not going back till we find her.

Melissa.

Melissa!

Melissa, please.

Got it.

Lewis: Todd?

Todd.

Okay, so he's out.

Now, what are we gonna do here?

I mean, I want to find Melissa, too, but she could be anywhere.

We just can't keep searching forever.

Yeah, she could be in another state by now.

Maybe even another country.

Yeah, she didn't respond to the dinosaur, so she must be very far away.

Look, chances are she's gonna eventually come back home on her own, so we should just wait for her there.

Yeah. let's go home. Maybe Gail's back.

I'll tell him the news.

Todd.

Todd.

(short chuckle) Boy, is he out.

Todd!

Aah!

Oh, bro-dawg, it's me!

It's me! It's me!

It's me, Tandy.

Oh, Todd, we got to get you home, bud.

No, we got to keep looking.

Walking around, shouting "Melissa" is just not working, man.

Well, it works a hell of a lot better than doing nothing.

Come on, Todd, please.

Todd.

Todd: No, no, no, you enjoy your sleep, okay?

Todd.

Tandy: Todd, think about what you're doing.

Please, Todd.

Todd, come back.

Todd.

(crash)

Oh!

Oh...

He literally hit the wall.

(glass rattling)

Todd (over bullhorn): Melissa!

Tandy: Todd speed, my friend.

Todd speed.

(laughs) You hear that?

I said "Godspeed," but with "Todd" instead.

Boom.

Todd!

(yells)

You ought to get some sleep, bud.

Yeah, I was out all last night again.

I figured a shower might wake me up before I head back out.

Hey, bud, you okay?

(voice breaking): Yeah, I'm fine, it's just the... water from the shower.

(softly): Hey.

Hey, get in here.

Get in here. Oh.

(crying)

Hey, everything's gonna be okay, okay?

We're gonna find her, you hear me?

(crying): It's just hard, you know?

Because I'm the reason she left.

Maybe I should've just had a baby with her!

Would a penis compliment make you feel you better?

No.

No, 'cause got... a real solid one down there, yeah.

It's the exact size it should be for your body.

It's a tad pale, but nothing a little sun can't cure.

Tandy.

I'm kidding, it's the perfect color.

And I'm sorry to imply otherwise, even jokingly, okay?

Tandy, you want to make me feel better?

More than anything.

Then help me find her.

You got it.

Okay, let's get back to basics.

What'd that note say? Okay, it said "good" and "bye."

Now, backwards, that's "eyb doog."

No, Tandy, forget the damn note!

Okay, uh, what else do we know?

Uh, we know that she's wearing a prison outfit.

We know that she's been digging holes in walls.

We know that she left under cover of darkness.

Oh, my God. I know where she is, Tandy.

A prison outfit store!

Yes, that's so obvious.

No.

A hole digging store?

Uh, a cover of darkness store.

No.

Todd, these stores simply don't exist.

Tandy, she's in Zihuatanejo.

Zihuatanejo?

Yeah, it's where Andy and Red go at the end of Shawshank.

Spoiler, dude. God.

Look, come on, let's do this.

Okay. Great.

You go grab me some eye shades and car pillows, and then we'll hit the road.

Hey, hit the road. Why would we hit the road?

Are we mad at it? Boom. (laughs)

Don't worry about laughing. I know you're tired.

Oh, get in there, you little stinker.

(sighs)

Okay, I'm gonna need a hammer.

(quietly): Okay, where are you?

Bingo.

(plastic creaking, Gail grunts)

I'm sorry, Gordo.

But you always were a little hardheaded.

(grunts)

Oh, that's gonna work.

Things are looking up for Gail Klosterman.

Oh...

Fart on a stick!

Hi, Care Bear.

Oh, hey, Tandy.

What's wrong?

Ah, it's just... Gail's not back yet.

Eh, she's probably just up in Napa, you know?

Drinking wine, having a great old time.

She's not in Napa.

She's in trouble.

And I want to go search for her. Will you help me?

Of course.

Todd: Ooh.

You ready, bud?

Sure am, bud.

Ready for what?

We're going to Zihuatanejo.

What? No. Tandy has to go help me find Gail.

Tandy, is that true?

Hey, I can help you both.

Okay, so, uh, Todd... when do you want to leave?

Now.

And, uh, Carol, when do you want to go do this Gail thing?

Now.

And you both use the standard definition of the word "now"?

Yes.

Yes.

Whitney Houston, we have a problem. Hmm.

No, we don't, it's very clear who the priority is here.

Melissa is the only one who is in trouble.

Carol: They can both be in trouble.

Ever heard of double trouble?

Gail is not in trouble.

Look, a mother and a daughter share a special connection.

And I can feel it.

She's got into some sort of horrible accident or something.

No, she didn't.

Yes, she did.

She could be stuck in a pit somewhere, or quicksand.

Or even worse, slow sand.

A slower, more torturous form of dangerous sand.

Gail is fine.

No, she isn't.

Yes, she is.

Then, where is she?

She's avoiding you, okay?

You annoyed the ever-living crap out of her and she left.

She'll come back when she wants to.

But right now we need to look for Melissa.

So stop this phony-baloney mother-daughter crap, and start helping, 'cause Melissa needs us now.

Huh.

Look, Carol, this might be hard for you to hear, but I need to tell it to you straight.

Todd is flat out cray.

I'm on your side here.

Gail definitely didn't leave 'cause of you.

Most likely scenario, she went out to grab you a gift, slipped on some sort of peel, likely a banana, but who knows?

Not ruling out citrus.

And now she's lying at the bottom of some ravine or, like, impaled on a security fence.

Definitely dead.

And all 'cause she loved you so much.

Tandy, I'm your wife, and I need you to be honest with me.

You might have pushed her away.

God, what a horrible daughter I was.

No, you're a great daughter.

And you'll get a chance to prove it when she comes back.

And she will come back, 'cause she loves you.

Thanks, Tandy.

You're welcome.

Do you want some help?

Help?

Searching for Melissa.

What about Gail?

Why look for someone who doesn't want to be found?

(soft chuckle)

Look, I'm... so sorry about earlier.

I-I re... I really don't know who that person was.

Well, that was someone who got very little sleep.

(soft chuckle)

And said some things that I really needed to hear.

Thank you, Carol.

Aw.

Well... I should get going.

It's like a 35-hour drive, so...

Well, do you want some company?

Really?

Yeah.

I'll go get Tandy.

Okay.

(grunts)

(grunts)

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Open.

(straining): Open.

Oh, come on.

Yes.

(screams)

(clattering)

Damn it!

Why should anything good happen to me?!

Wouldn't want to ruin my freaking streak!

(grunting and panting)

Whoo!

Hey.

I'm stuck in the elevator.

Fifth floor.

Anyone out there?

Now what?

I got to tell you, it is so nice to see my best bud and my main squeeze talking again.

That was really hard for me.

I don't want to say it was selfish of you guys, you know, 'cause we're all laying it on the line, but, uh, I will.

You know, that was, uh, very selfish.

Oh, my God, look!

Look! Yes!

What, is that the bus?

(tires screech)

(door alert beeping)

Melissa?

Todd: Melissa.

Carol and Todd: Melissa.

Melissa?

She's not in here.

Melissa?

Melissa.

Melissa?

(ignition stalling)

It's dead.

Todd: She must've found a new car.

(quietly): Okay.

Wait, I've seen one of those cars before.

Oh, my goll, it's in our parking lot!

Let's go. Come on.

Oh, my God.

(engine starts)

Carol: Seat belt, seat belt.

(car horn honking)

(honking continues)

(exclaiming)

(tires screech)

Melissa?

Melissa?

Melissa?

Hey. Hey.

I'm in the elevator.

Can you hear me?

What's with all the honking?

Please be out of your cars.

Please, still be out of your cars.

(all yell)

The hell is that?

(g*nshots)

It's coming from in there.

Melissa?

You idiots!

I'm stuck in the freaking elevator!

Todd: Hey, Melissa, listen, we-we're gonna come inside the building, okay?

Yeah, so please don't sh**t us.

Thank you!

Hey!

Todd: Melissa?

You in there?

Hey, guys.

(all yell)

Trees and mice!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We were so worried about you.

Why?

I'm fine.

Where you been?

At home.

Playing cornhole.

Melissa, you've been gone for two days now.

Oh.

Okay.

Don't leave, I'm in the elevator!

Where's my b*ll*ts?

Where'd I put 'em?

Well, why were you sh**ting off your g*n?

I didn't.

Okay, y-you mind if I hold that for you?

Huh?

(softly): Thank you.

Let's-let's get you home, hon.

All right? Come on.

That's weird.

Sounded like it was coming from in there.

Eh.

Hey! Come on.

Come on.

Okay.

(faint g*nshots in the distance)

I'm in here.

I'm in here!