08x09 - A Very Marry Christmas

[bunniefuu]

["O Christmas Tree" plays]

You did what?

I married April!

I'm sorry? You carried April?

No. I married her.

My brain cannot even process the fact that you just said "married," so I'm assuming you said "carried," like over a big puddle.

Yeah, I did carry her...

Oh.

...into the 'Bago after I married her.

Why?! Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why?!

To piss off Mom!

W-W-Wait! You got married just to make Mom mad?

Yeah.

Well, what did she say when you told her?

I didn't tell her yet, 'cause she's gonna be mad.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Getting married to make Mom mad makes sense.

Look, it just happened, okay?

April and I were in the Winnebago, talking about how her parents don't like me and my parents don't like her, and I don't know.

We just started feeling like, "Hey, we don't need anybody. We got each other."

So, the more we talked about it, the more upset we got, and next thing I know, we're at the courthouse in this really long line.

And it was around then I started to have second thoughts, but if we got out of line, we'd lose our place, and everyone else in line was so happy for us, 'cause we're really young and hot, and they're all so old.

That's because you're too young to get married!

You were supposed to date for 2 1/2 years, graduate, get a job, and then get married in a small church, surrounded by God and your friends and family and even the cousins you don't know very well, and I am a bridesmaid!

Now, I'll just have to be a bridesmaid for Cindy and wear a formal dress and a safari hat!

It's not about you guys.

It's about me and April, and I love her.

Enough to be married to her forever, like "till death do you part" love her?

I don't know.

You don't know?

You don't know?!

I don't know, Sue. Stop nagging me. I got a wife.

Oh, my God! I've got a wife.

Okay. All right.

Let's just take it down for a second.

[Exhales sharply] Okay. Where is April?

Uh, well, after we got married, we hit a taco truck, and then I drove her back to Orson and dropped her off, 'cause she had to work, but I don't know where she is right now.

Oh, my God. I have a wife and I have no idea where she is!

Shouldn't I know where my wife is at all times?

Seriously, Axl, how is this gonna work?

Where are you guys gonna live?

Are you moving in with her?

Is she moving in to the 'Bago?

You guys getting your own place?

Is she gonna take your name?

Are you gonna make her be a Heck?

Oh.

You have to talk to Mom and Dad.

I can't, Sue. I just can't.

Well, you have to. They will understand.

They love you.

A-And, obviously, you're very confused and conflicted, because you're hugging me, and you're not making any barfing sounds.

Talk to them, Axl.

Ohh.

Oh, hi. Hi. Hi.

Is your mom home?

Um, she didn't say anything about calling in work and faking a cold, so I would go with no.

[Children shouting]

How about your sister?

Anyone else home?

No.

Watch me, Mommy!

No, watch me!

Over here, watch me!

No, no. I'm not watching you right now.

I'm talking to this boy.

[Children shouting]

Hi. How old are you?

15.

You'll do.

I have to take the baby to the doctor.

Would you mind watching the kids while I'm away?

If I bring them to the pediatrician's office, they will tear it to shreds.

I mean, we replaced the fish, but they're still mad.

But why would they keep cup toys next to a fish t*nk?

Look, Mom, watch me!

Watch me!

Yeah, I'm watching you!

Uh, I don't think I'm your guy.

I'm not even allowed to have a hamster.

Oh, it's fine.

I don't even know where my dog is.

It's fine. It's okay. It's great. It's fine.

I-I've never babysat before in my life!

It's good. Watch me!

No. The... The boy is gonna watch you now.

Hey, boy. Hey, boy, look at me!

You might want to watch them.

I'm right here, boy!

Come on!

[Children shouting]

[Knock on door]

Hey, buddy, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Ah, I got something for you.

Oh. Is this from Paula for Frankie?

No. It's for you.

From who?

Me.

Why?

I was at the mall, and I saw this and thought of you.

Why are you thinking of me?

Come on. Open it.

Sunglasses!

Uh-huh.

You know, I've never seen you with sunglasses on, and you're always kind of squinting, so... thought you could use them.

Oh. These are nice.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Put 'em on.

Nah. It's not that bright out.

You're kind of squinting a little bit right now.

Come on. Put them on.

I want to see how they look on you.

Nah. I'm fine.

Oh.

[Clears throat] All right, then.

Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll see you around.

♪

All right. Sergeant MacKenzie won the battle, but the volcano erupted, and now, there's hot lava everywhere.

Quick! To safety!

Aah! - Aah! - Aah!

[Laughter]

[Cellphone chiming]

Aw, Mom's back, and she wants us to come home.

No!

Grr!

Tell Mom the lava's hot and we can't leave.

Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah!

Oh, you don't want to keep your mom waiting.

You probably should go.

Okay. Come on, guys.

I had a lot of fun, Brick.

You must be the most popular kid in school.

Well, I am in school.

I love you, Brick.

Frankie: So Brick was feeling pretty good about himself.

Unfortunately, I hadn't seen Axl in three weeks, so I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

♪

[Door opens]

Oh, good. You're here.

I need help decorating the tree.

I've been so depressed, I'm eating the popcorn off the garland.

Uh, there's someone on the porch who wants to see you.

I told that tuba-player kid, I am not buying his cheese and sausage.

He's gonna have to find another way to get to the Rose Parade.

[Voice breaking] Oh, my God!

[Sniffles] You're home!

[Crying]

This is the best Christmas present ever!

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh!

Mom, I need to tell you something, so, listen.

No! I don't want to hear it.

You said things. I said things.

Let's just put it behind us.

You're home, and that is all I care about. Mwah!

Yeah, well, the reason I'm home is...

The reasons don't matter.

One might. From here on out, fresh start.

Let's just move forward.

Nothing could ruin this moment.

Oh, it's Christmas, and Christmas is all about families, and our family is together again.

[Whispers] You're my favorite.

Oh, Mike! Mike! Our son is back.

Our son is home.

Whoa!

That's okay. I'm all right.

Okay, Mom, which piece of the Christmas village do you want to set up next?

Let's do the church, and then we'll build out from there.

Oh, that's genius!

Oh, thanks for helping me, Axl.

Yeah. You know, I thought you just wanted to do this 'cause you wanted to put the townspeople in compromising positions.

Oh, Mom, you know I've grown out of that.

But, if I hadn't, I'd go with the baker and the librarian.

She is long overdue.

[Laughs]

That's terrible. Hey, what are these?

They're mine.

What?

I've never seen you wear sunglasses before.

Yeah. Bill got them for me... for Christmas.

Said he was at the mall thinking about me.

Oh, that's nice.

[Refrigerator door opens]

Is it, though?

It's turning into this whole thing.

Now I got to get something for Bill, right?

That's the way it works?

That's not necessarily true.

He may have gotten you something just 'cause he's a kind person.

No. You weren't there.

Got really awkward at the door.

He was just standing there.

Didn't you invite him in?

No. I was thrown.

[Sighs]

Well, these are really cool.

Have you tried them on?

No. I'm not playing his game.

And I'll tell you something else...

I'm not getting him anything. I'm out.

[Sighs]

Don't ever get married.

Ha!

♪

[Pounding on door]

Hey!

Brick, Brick!

Can you come out and play?!

Hey, Brick!

Hi, Brick!

Hi, Brick!

Brick, can you come out and play?

I'm kind of in the middle of a book.

Can we come in and play?

Again, in the middle of the aforementioned book, in which the protagonist is in quite a pickle.

Can we come in and eat a pickle?

Look, guys, I know I was on fire the other day.

I gave you a magical experience, but I just can't do that all the time, nor do I want to.

Are you too busy doing something with the popular kids?

Come in.

Together: Yay!

Don't need to know.

What do you think about this for Bill?

It's a bottle opener that plays the I.U. fight song.

Oh, did Bill go to I.U.?

I don't know. Damn it!

Now I got to find out where Bill went to college?

He's got me right where he wants me... thinking about him.

Wait. I didn't think you were gonna get him a present.

Oh, I'm getting him a present. I want this debt paid.

I'm settling the score, once and for all.

[Scoffs] Okay, you're buying him a Christmas gift, not avenging the death of your father.

[Chuckles] Okay. What about this?

A popcorn tin with cheese-, butter- and caramel-flavored popcorn?

Uh, I don't know. It doesn't seem very personal.

I don't want it to be personal.

Bill's already got everything.

It's so hard to buy for a man.

There's a million things you can buy for a woman.

Which makes your choice of inflatable foot bath that much more baffling.

[Sighs] Don't ever get married.

Axl, can I talk to you for a second?

I'm sorry, Sue. We're busy.

And after this, Mom and I have to snow the Christmas village.

[Laughs]

♪

[Door closes]

When are you gonna tell Mom about getting married?

Look, Mom and I are in a great place right now.

She's happy.

You have to do this, Axl.

I can't enjoy Christmas with this black cloud hanging over it.

It's like "Downton Abbey" meets "Homeland."

There's a big secret, and eventually, a b*mb is gonna go off.

We're all sitting on a powder keg here!

Oh, get a grip, Sue.

You get a grip!

I can't look Mom in the eye right now.

I'm horrible at keeping secrets.

You know that.

Mom and Dad are fixing your transmission for Christmas.

Aw, I wanted that Japanese robot dog.

Said the married man.

Look, you need to talk to Mom and Dad.

You need a plan, Axl, unless you have it all figured out.

Are you gonna stay married?

Have you talked to April? What is she thinking?

What are you gonna do about Christmas?

Are you going over to April's place, or is she coming here?

As I have said before, I do not currently know the location of my wife.

Frankie: The cocoa's ready!

[Groans]

Talk... to... her.

I will, okay? I will.

Just not while she's holding hot cocoa.

♪

[Pounding on door]

Children: Brick! Brick! Brick! Brick! Brick! Brick! Brick! Brick! Brick!

Mike: How much do you think something like this would cost?

$40.45?

Really? That much?

Well, the case said that it has titanium nose pads and full-spectrum UVA/UVB protection.

That bastard.

[Children screaming]

♪

And this is the ornament you made me in the 5th grade.

Well, actually, I came to volunteer that day, and you just ran around, and I made it.

Oh, yeah.

[Laughs]

This is so great, Axl.

But, seriously, I know there must be other things you want to do.

What? Are you kidding me?

I love decorating the tree.

I don't know why I ever thought this was lame.

It's great. [Chuckles]

Aww.

Well, you were a teenager, and teenagers do dumb things.

Yeah, well, even people over 21 do dumb things.

[Chuckling] Tell me about it.

Like the time I bought the glue-on nails at the gas station.

Luckily, the numbness stopped at the elbows.

[Laughing] Oh, right.

Hey, Sue, come on! Look at the tree!

[Laughs nervously] Oh, it's amazing!

You two must be really proud of everything you've accomplished what with all the other things that need to get done around here.

Well, you've got to come around and look at the whole thing.

No, no, no. I-I can picture it.

[Laughs nervously] I am just glad everyone is having a very merry Christmas.

Nobody's having heartburn, no random vomiting or twisting your hair till it falls right out of your head.

[Laughs] That is awesome!

I am thrilled that you two are free to enjoy the wonders of the season.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Hmm.

Still a teenager.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Rapid knocking on door]

[Whispering] Code blue! Code blue!

[Children shouting]

Gracie: Try the door!

[Door opens]

Hi, Brick!

Let's make a fort!

Gracie: Let's go through your stuff!

Children: Yay!

[Children shouting]

Knock, knock.

[Gasps] Oh, Sue. Were you praying?

No. No.

I'm just looking for something under my bed.

Nope, not there.

Hey, um, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Hey, is that poster crooked?

[Sighs] Sue, honey...

I know what's going on here.

You do?

Yeah.

Don't worry.

It's perfectly natural for you to be jealous of your brother.

I know I've been spending a lot of time with Axl, but it's only because our relationship was so strained and we are both so happy to be able to put that all behind us.

[Laughs nervously]

Sue, would you look at me when I'm talking to you?

I thought I was.

Look, the point is, no matter what, you're my only daughter, and we will always share a very special bond.

Axl: Mom! The reindeer cookies are ready for frosting!

Axl needs me.

Coming!

Ugh! Ohh.

So, in order to get away from the Peterson kids, Brick took refuge at the library.

The tricky part was coming back home.

[Children shouting]

Oh, no.

[Shouting continues]

♪

Oh, sorry.

[Gasps] Wait. Were you trying on the sunglasses?

No.

Yes, you were.

Put them back on so I can see.

Eh, that's okay.

Come on. I had to pick that weird thing off your back.

We have no secrets.

[Sighs]

[Gasps] Ooh, I like them.

They make you look like a sexy cop.

Oh, really?

'Cause I was thinking more of an Italian racecar driver.

Mm-hmm. Or maybe an airline pilot.

How long is your layover, Captain Heck?

Wow, I can't believe you've never worn sunglasses before.

You look great in them.

I know. It sucks. I do look great in them.

This whole thing is pissing me off.

Bill got me the best gift. He nailed it.

Now I got to do something just as good or I look like a jerk.

[Sighs] What are you gonna do?

I don't know! I saw this dispenser thing for a shower.

It's got compartments for shampoo, conditioner, and body wash.

I don't know, but Bill seems like he might be a body wash go... Damn it!

I've never said "body wash" in my life, and now I've said it twice.

This ends now.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

How much were they?

What?

The sunglasses.

I tried to get you a good present, I couldn't find anything, so I'm just gonna give you cash.

How much?

No, Mike, they were a present.

You don't have to...

Let's not belabor it, okay?

How much?

42 bucks.

That include tax?

[Scoffs] Really, Mike?

Yeah, really.

Just give me the grand total and this whole nightmare can be over.

[Exhales deeply] $42.50.

No, $44.32.

Okay.

$45. Keep the change.

[Scoffs]

["Deck the Halls" plays]

Hey, Mike, you never told me... do you like them?

I love 'em.

[Engine starts]

Just when I thought Christmas couldn't get any better, out of the blue, Axl suggested we drive around and see the Christmas lights in Orson Heights.

We hadn't done that since the kids were little.

I was beside myself.

Mom, look at the penguins on that Ferris wheel!

Oh, I love that.

We should try to do something like that next year.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

Oh, and look at those reindeer!

They've got their heads moving like they're grazing!

We're not doing that.

Now, those people have the Colts logo lit up.

That we can do.

[Chuckling] Yeah.

Well, this is nice... everybody in the car, together.

How about we play a game?

We'll call it "What's new in your life?"

I reversed my reversible comforter.

Next.

I got new sunglasses.

Dad, it's not your turn.

Any recent changes in your life, Axl?

I have a newfound appreciation for the holidays and my mother.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, no.

Gracie Peterson texted me asking me what time we'll be home.

That's it. We got to move.

Come on, Brick. They like you, and they're cute.

They're cute until they won't leave you alone.

I was in the snowbank for five hours and got frostbite on my page-turning finger.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever.

Okay, new game.

Everyone say something nobody else knows that you feel bad about but you'll feel better after you say it.

I used Dad's toothbrush.

What?

Not in my mouth.

Boy, that's a load off.

Not your turn! Axl!

Can't think of a thing.

Okay, I got one. [Laughs]

When there were free refills, I got root beer even though my original pop was orange.

Axl, did you think of anything? Anything at all?

I don't like this game, Sue.

Well, we can play something else.

[Whispering] I'm not married to it.

Frankie: You know what?

I've just got to to say, with my family all together, I'm just so filled with a sense of joy and peace.

This may be the best Christmas ever.

[Laughs nervously]

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, no!

If that's Gracie, tell her I'm not here.

Hello?

Oh, hi!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I did not know that.

Yeah, of course we'll be there.

Thank you. Merry Christmas to you, too.

[Cellphone clicks]

You got married?!

Whoa.

You idiot!

Wait. What?!

Uh-oh.

He married her, Mike.

He married April!

Yeah.

Damn it, Axl!

Ow!

I am gonna k*ll you!

That was April's mom on the phone.

Stop, please, ow.

Stop her!

I had to hear it from her!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Oh, God, oh, God!

[Car horn blaring]

What the hell were you thinking?!

I wasn't thinking... you should know that!

I'm very vulnerable!

Well, I sent you that dirty carrot, and you ignored it!

Hey, hold on! Hold on, hold on.

Did you have to marry her?

No.

That makes it worse!

[Grunts]

Hey!

Sue: I told him to tell you!

I was the only one who knew! It was k*lling me!

I stress-chewed my cheeks till they're hamburger!

Mike: No! You get away from those Wise Men!

You've got no business being around Wise Men.

I wanted to tell you guys, but I didn't want to ruin your Christmas.

That ship has sailed.

Frankie: I can't believe you did this!

You got married and you didn't even tell me?

You didn't even invite me!

I know I would've been stuck wearing a stupid yellow dress 'cause that's what always happens to boy moms.

We always are the last to find out!

But I didn't think I would be the very last to find out!

Okay, if you'll just let me talk, I can explain.

Great. Talk.

I... Uunnngh!

Get him, Brick!

[Rock version of "The Little Drummer Boy" plays]

Frankie: Sue!

Oh, gee!

[Gasps] Mike: [Laughs]

Where you going, Axl, huh, huh?

Get up, fool.

Sue: I told him to tell you!

No, please, listen, I can explain!

You kids are not going over to that boy's house ever again.

Hey, come on!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Sighs] All right.

So, what do you want to do, Axl?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Do you love April?

Yeah, I love her.

I just don't know if I wife love her.

Well, if you don't love her now, there is no way in hell you're gonna love her later.

[Sighs] Look, I'm just dumb, all right?

I'm really dumb.

I got swept up in the moment, but I am still in college... I've got to graduate.

I mean, April picks up golf balls for a living, and my house is a Winnebago.

[Chuckling] Oh, God.

I'm starting to think I did not think this through.

But, on the other hand, she is kind of amazing.

I mean, she makes me laugh, and she looks like... well, you've seen her... an angel, right?

Oh, God, I don't know! I don't know.

I just... I need you guys to tell me what to do.

[Sighs] I'd say that if you need to ask your parents if you should be married, you probably shouldn't be married.

Okay, I've researched grounds for annulment in the state of Indiana.

There's not being of legal age, suspicion of fraud, if one or both of the parties are mentally unstable...

Bingo!

That one.

["Deck the Halls" plays]

I'm gonna k*ll her.

She's such an idiot.

He's got her b*at at being an idiot all day long.

But we love Axl.

Oh, and we love April. She's a delight.

Okay, done.

Well, I seem to find myself recently single.

You want to maybe, uh, go on a date?

You know, grab a slice of pizza or something?

I do.

I mean, I'd like that. [Laughs]

So, that Christmas, instead of getting Axl a new transmission, we got him an annulment.

Sue got her family back, Brick got a little peace, and I got pulled over by a cop... if you know what I mean.

[Door locks]

["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays]