08x09 - Snow Ball

[bunniefuu]

Come on in.

Hey-o!

Hi!

Hello.

Do you love our sweaters?

I thought they would be perfect for the Snow Ball dance.

I got them at the store where you buy things that go with the other things.

Oh, I know that place. That's where we got our Salt-N-Pepa salt and pepper shakers.

Claire can never tell which one is which.

A confusing idea poorly ex*cuted.

Stop implying I'm a r*cist.

How did we get roped into this chaperone thing?

This incredibly annoying PTA mom, Marjorie, keeps hounding us to volunteer for things, and we finally ran out of excuses.

[Cellphone chimes]

Ooh, I should probably tell her we're coming.

[Cellphone chimes]

Unreal.

[Gloria's cellphone chimes]

"Where are you?"

"Are you with Claire?"

[Claire's Cellphone chimes]

"How far away are you?"

[Gloria's Cellphone chimes]

"Text me when you're close."

[Claire's Cellphone chimes]

"I locked my keys in my car."

Oh, that's from Haley.

Much as I'd love to meet this dingbat, how many chaperones do they really need?

Takes one person to turn a garden hose on those dry humpers.

If Phil is going, you are going.

I don't like being the only person in the room without a husband.

It's my one insecurity.

Phil's just trying to be nice.

He doesn't want to go to this thing, either.

Actually, I was looking forward to it.

Maybe meet some of these so-called cheerleaders.

Watch their faces when I tell them we could kewpie a scorpion into a cradle catch and then pop up into a split extension.

[Chuckles] Most of that stuff's illegal now.

I think what Phil's trying to say is that he and I haven't had a boy's night in a good while.

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to just hang out together, just you and me?

What do you say, buddy?

What?!

Might be nice to have a hang with my boy Jay.

If it's fine with you.

Sure, it's the least I could do, because tomorrow you are going to help Luke with his homework while I visit wine country.

[Gasps] I want to go.

That's just what she calls lying on the trampoline drinking Chardonnay.

Ah.

[Claire's Cellphone chimes]

Oh, yes! We're on our way.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Have fun, you two.

Don't worry about us. We'll have a blast.

We'll have a good time. We'll have a good time.

[Laughs]

Yes!

This is gonna be so great!

Sure it will. Maybe give them about a five-minute lag time before you hit the road.

What do you mean? You... you said we were gonna do something together.

I was just trying to get us out of that stupid dance.

Oh.

Okay.

Enjoy your night, Phil.

I've got a date with an epic Western about a crooked sheriff, and I'm at the first of what I predict to be many wrongful hangings.

Well, if you're not up for doing anything, I think I'll just go to the dance.

What? No. You can't do that.

Makes me look like a jerk.

Well, then what am I supposed to do?

Whatever you like.

I want to go to the dance.

How are you not getting this?

Fine. I'll just go home.

You're going to the dance, aren't you?

Of course I am.

All right, you win.

We'll do something.

Awesome!

What do you want to do?

Gosh, I don't know.

I mean, dancing is still so much in the air.

Uh-huh Where are you going?

Scotch country.

♪ ♪

We're low on ice in bucket 12.

Hey, hey, those crab cakes have to last all night.

Push the cheese.

Setlist?

You're starting with "Get Lucky"?

Come on, we're telling a story here.

Do you know what time it is?

I thought you were gonna help me set up.

Sorry, buddy. I was worrying about the big-picture stuff.

Hmm. Is there enough room for it here, or should I put it in the back entrance?

You can certainly put it in a back entrance.

Oh, my gosh, doesn't everything look so lovely?

Well, it's high school.

Dress it up all you want, it's still the place I spent four years being tormented by sadistic bullies.

Nice shirt, Michelle.

Oh, you know what? Times have changed.

In high school, did you ever imagine you'd end up with the football coach?

The football coach? No.

The swim coach, Mr. Artino, almost nightly.

[Chuckles]

Oh, Coach Tucker, Mitchell.

Thank you for volunteering.

I couldn't say no.

The kids on the team practically begged me.

It's an amazing thing to matter so much and inspire so many.

Oh, no, I think they just wanted you here so they can prank you.

Hmm?

Yeah.

The football team has something all worked out.

I don't know what it is 'cause I checked out after they capped my salary.

But there's usually a mess, so you might want to throw a poncho over all that finery.

Oh. Oh, my God, I hate pranks so much.

Now I'm gonna spend the whole dance paranoid wondering what they're gonna do.

Is it gonna hurt? Am I gonna cry?

You're a clown.

Isn't that mostly just pranking people?

No, it is not. Clowns are loving and joyful.

You know what? I was warned about this kind of ignorance.

Don't make me regret marrying outside the big top.

What?

We got to keep our eyes peeled for kids trying to bring alcohol in here.

I cannot make it through this thing without a drink.

[Gasps] Marjorie, 12:00.

Oh, God.

[Chuckles]

Quick, pretend we're having a fight.

Then she won't come over here.

Mm-hmm.

You stole my inheritance, you gold digger!

Wow, you had that one ready to go.

There you are.

Did you get my texts?

Look what I've already confiscated.

Oh, shameful. I'll take that.

So, I still need volunteers to call parents for silent auction items.

I've divided it into six-hour shifts, so if you switch ears every half-hour, it's actually not bad.

Can I count on you two ladies?

I'm so busy, but I can't speak for Gloria.

My phone English no so good.

I get it. I'm a bit of a nag-eroo.

[Chuckles]

Mm.

Like my mom always jokes, you know who you should bore with this?

Your husband. Oh, right, he left you.

[Laughs]

That woman is so uptight.

You know what she needs?

Mm.

A man.

That is a very old-fashioned attitude, which in this case, seems pretty accurate. [sighs]

A man, a man, a man. Where can we find one.

Hey, Siri, record "Antiques Roadshow."

[Cellphone chimes]

I can't think of anyone.

Principal Brown.

He's single. We could fix them up.

At the Winter dance.

Mm-hmm.

That's so romantic.

Yes, and maybe she'll get off our backs if she spends more time on hers.

You really are your father's son.

Hey, you okay?

Guy just made fun of my bow tie in front of everyone.

Asked if I was trying to look gay.

Oh, that is charming.

So I-I guess high school hasn't changed that much, has it?

Look, I want you to put this back on and wear this with pride.

This was soaking wet before you threw it in there, right?

We're gonna let it go. It's fine.

All right. [Bottle sprays]

Where is this idiot?

[Laughter]

Are you trying to look gay?

'Cause you don't have the pecs, the pores, or the pants for it, slugger.

Hey, here's a reference that hairstyle's old enough to get.

It's not twerking.

Yeah, well, you're just... you're just a... you're a...

Ah?

.. you're a... you're a...

So, I'm gonna go squeeze in a dance real quick while you stagger to the end of that sentence.

[Laughter]

Leslie Kwan Collins, Daily Dolphin.

I know who you are. We've been friends since kindergarten.

Care to comment on what my sources are calling "The best Snow Ball ever?"

Sure, but I'm not the one responsible for this party's success.

They all are.

I'm just a humble servant who made it all happen.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Can you excuse us, please? Thank you.

You are unbelievable.

Stop. I can't keep hearing this.

I'm the one who made all this happen.

Do you have any idea how hard it is doing all this for $8,000?

Yeah, of course not, because...

Wait, wait, wait.

The budget for this was $800.

You spent $8,000? That's the budget for the whole year.

I texted you, "What's my budget for the Snow Ball."

You replied $8,000, followed by a gratuitous gif of a guy getting hit in the nards.

It's like just don't skateboard down a railing, right?

[Chuckles]

Principal Brown.

Yep?

If we were to go over with the student council budget, how hard would it be to get a little extra money?

Oh, no problem.

We would just sell the Rembrandt in the faculty lounge.

See? Problem solved.

He's being sarcastic.

Why? What's wrong?

Nothing. Just playing "What if all the money got spent?"

Oh, can you imagine?

[Both laugh]

We'd have to cancel every other school event, starting with the wrestling banquet, and those hopped-up psychos would rip your heads off!

[Laughs]

And then you'd bleed to death, 'cause we can't afford a school nurse anymore, right?

Ooh! Oysters.

Oh! Nice try, boys!

You guys are cool. Just, uh, move along.

Hey, Cam. Uh, do you know a kid named Damien Warmack?

Oh, yeah.

Mean little kid.

Yeah.

He fat shamed my whole defensive line.

There's nothing more sad than watching a once terrifying nose tackle pick croutons out of his salad.

Oh, God, I'm so conflicted.

A gay kid is now bullying football players, which I guess, you know, seems like progress, but the wrong kind of progress.

Would you like a...

Oh!

In my defense, bruschetta mostly ends up on the floor anyway.

Cam, I think you might be more worried about this prank than you need to be.

Well, I just don't understand why they want to prank me.

I thought they liked me.

Of course they like you.

You can't prank someone you don't like.

That's... that's just as*ault.

But pranking you is their bizarre way of saying that they love you.

Is this your bizarre way of not validating my feelings?

Okay, we could go bowling.

Hmm. Had my league last night. I'm a little bowled out.

Fair enough. Round of mini golf?

Great idea. Wait up. I'll go get my frog and my slingshot.

We'll hop on our bikes and go down there.

We could get something to eat.

Already ate.

Go to the movies?

Hate the lines.

How about a bar?

So, we drive across town, pay a 200% markup on the same glass of scotch I'm holding in my hand right now... just so some drunken old broad can stagger over and tell me I look like Ernest Borgnine.

You know what? I'm done trying.

I'm sorry there isn't a single thing you'd have fun doing with me.

Oh, come on!

Don't get all hurt.

I promise your next idea, I'll say yes to.

Really?

Thanks, Jay.

You held out for something awesome, and I think we nailed it.

One, please.

That'll be $8, plus whatever tip you feel is appropriate.

It was free an hour ago.

You used to be able to throw a baby in the back seat without strapping it in.

Times change, my friend.

[Sighs]

Hey, Delgado.

I hope this punch isn't as watered down as your performance in "A Streetcar Named Desire to Hang Myself."

Damien, you're just... you look...

Damn it, I hate how much I like that jacket.

[Chuckles]

Hey.

I know what you're doing.

Excuse me?

I know how hard it is to be a gay teen.

In high school, I only had one friend.

Really?

What was Oscar Wilde like?

You're lashing out.

Because you're angry and you're insecure, and you just want everyone else to feel as bad as you do.

Maybe.

But come on.

It must've been easier for you looking like Michael Fassbender.

I do not look like...

You think I look like Michael Fassbender?

Yeah, if he were older and shorter and played by Kathy Griffin.

Uh...

Hey, hey. That Damien Warmack kid is so mean.

Honing in on these poor kids' insecurities and then just lacerating them.

I-I don't look like Kathy Griffin, do I?

I'll tell you what's mean, is my team making me wait all night for this damn prank.

Or, "Mitch, you're being ridiculous. You're a very handsome man, and if you had to be played by a woman, it would be a young Ann-Margret."

Hey, Coach.

Oh, God! Just do it!

Just do it!

Oh, Principal Brown, sorry. Sorry, I thought...

I thought you were the prank. [Chuckles]

Prank? Oh, no.

That was a little misunderstanding on my part.

Turns out the new wrestling coach is being pranked.

Yeah, they're gonna do that thing where you spin a guy around a bunch of times, you get him good and dizzy, and then you tie him to a tree for the weekend.

Oh, God. Shouldn't you stop them?

I would, but he's been parking in my spot lately.

I guess it's a relief they're not pranking me.

Yes. You can finally relax.

Can I?

Knowing Coach Wilson's only been here seven months?

He's never brought his team homemade banana loaf, and yet they care enough to terrorize him?

Okay, you're gonna have to land on a position.

I just don't understand why they begged me to be here if they're not gonna prank me.

Because they love you, and you're making a real difference in their lives.

Oh, well, I-I...

I'm just kidding. They think you're a pushover, and with you here, they can get away with anything.

That's ridiculous, because nothing gets past me.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

What is that?

Look at this.

Oh.

I'm gonna go pour this down the drain.

Cheers.

[Laughs]

[Forced chuckling] Having fun?

Hey, I'm just trying to keep up appearances.

If I panic, everybody panics.

How much money did you make at the drink station?

Only about $200.

That's enough.

A caddy at the country club where I work knows this dog track in Hindsdale.

There's 40-to-1 odds on a greyhound, Whippet Good, who...

[Cellphone chimes]

Okay, the money's gone.

One time.

No, it's stupid.

Just try it.

I'm not doing it.

No one else is around.

I don't care.

Come on, I'll start.

♪ A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh ♪
♪ A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh ♪
♪ A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, ♪
♪ In the jungle ♪
♪ A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh ♪
♪ The mighty jungle... ♪

All right, that's it!

Get out. We're doing something else.

[Singsong voice] Somebody thinks you're cute.

Claire, please, this isn't high school.

Well, no, wait a minute. It is high school.

Mm.

Okay.

All right, so who is it?

My favorite is a 1929 Bread Master.

Some people might say that collecting vintage toasters is a crumby hobby.

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

Marjorie, I was just talking to Principal Brown, and he into you, girl.

Really? He's hotter than a 1930s Sunbeam Toastrite.

[Chuckles]

Don't.

[Ringtone plays]

I can't talk right now, Mom.

No, I'm not home alone on a Saturday night.

I'm at a dance, and a boy likes me.

We good at this!

Why are you talking like that?

I don't know.

[Clears throat]

Excuse me, hi. Hey.

I don't know exactly how to do this, but I'm very flattered by your interest in me, and just so you know, the feeling is mutual.

What?

I don't know if you're into camping, but I can get a tent.

I'm married. My rear end is at home.

I meant Marjorie.

Oh!

Oh, no. She's way too intense.

No. And once you've imagined yourself sitting by a campfire playing your clarinet for Gloria...

Marjorie loves the outdoors.

Yes, she even has a camping toaster.

She is a super lady, but, guys, I'm only 45.

I'm holding out for fireworks.

Oh, here comes Damien.

Do not tell him that I thought I had a sh*t with Gloria.

My mom doesn't believe that Principal Brown likes me.

Can you tell her?

[Sighs]

Gloria?

My phone English no so good.

How about ice cream?

Too cold.

Coffee?

Too late.

Oh, wait a minute. I'm such an idiot.

I forgot about the Clint Eastwood retrospective followed by the scotch tasting where famous athletes from the '70s tell stories about how life used to be in Youngstown.

Really?

No!

It doesn't exist.

What you want does not exist.

What are you doing?

I don't care what you do, but I'm going into that dance.

I like to see the kids all dressed up and happy and trying to look older than they are.

The first girl I ever kissed was at a high school dance.

Huh.

It was actually to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

I guess that's why it was in my head.

Let's just say the lion did not sleep that night.

I was slamming Mountain Dews like a wild man.

Marsha Goulding.

I had this huge crush on her.

Finally got my nerve up to ask her to the Spring Fling.

First dance, I was terrified. I'm tromping all over her feet.

But as the dances went on, it got easier, and right in the middle of Sam Cooke singing "You Send Me,"

I went for it.

I was just so surprised she kissed me back.

[Chuckles]

Well, you can't have your first kiss again, but you can have your next one right in there.

Oh, what the hell. Give Gloria a thrill.

That's great, Jay, 'cause you complete her.

Oh, Phil.

No, literally.

You complete her.

[Chuckles]

You're the butt of this joke.

[Chuckles]

Give me the sweater.

Marjorie is smart and organized, and if you ever need hand sanitizer or a Band-Aid, she always has it on her.

She's like a sexy, sexy drugstore.

She's as cute as a button.

Like a grown-up Cabbage Patch doll.

Yeah.

Yeah, that seems like it'd be a whole lot of e-mails.

It's a hard pass.

But, Principal Brown, you know what they say about a mom who's enthusiastic in the streets.

That's not a saying.

Why are the two of you suddenly so interested in my love life, anyway?

Because we care.

You don't even know my first name.

Yes, we do.

It's, um... Prince?

Lucky guess.

I was over at the carving station, and I thought, "You know who'd love some prime rib?

"Principal Prince Brown."

Oh.

[Both chuckles]

[Clears throat] Marjorie, I'm afraid you and I are pawns in a very sick game being orchestrated by these two.

They're working very hard to put us together, and I don't know why.

I've never seen them work very hard in anything, except getting out of volunteering.

Hey, to be fair, we volunteer for plenty of things.

Yeah, don't you remember me holding a hose at the car wash?

Yeah, everybody remembers that.

So you're not interested in me?

Well, we've always had a working relationship, and I guess I've just never thought of you in that way.

As a woman?

When I'm at work, I turn off that part of myself.

Oh.

Oh.

Uh, it has turned back on.

[Both chuckle]

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, I'm gonna check the... the fire exits.

We're going to stack chairs.

Whatever.

I've got it.

We start a fake marching band and get the money for the instruments up front.

You just described the exact plot of "The Music Man."

How'd that turn out?

Won four Tonys.

Five. Ugh.

How could you let this happen?

I don't know. You were texting me while I was live streaming my breakfast, and...

Wait a minute.

I did say $800.

Look.

Oh, my God, this is all my fault.

Well, well, well.

Looks like the dunce cap is on the other foot.

Hey!

Is what an animal your size grazes on.

Hay is...

You're a cow.

[Chuckles]

Okay.

You're the perfect weight for your frame.

Hey.

Another proud moment for the struggle.

Ugh. Here she comes.

Martin Luther Queen, yes.

By all means, tell me about the struggle.

Okay, you nasty little twink.

You owe everything to me and all the gays that came before you.

It's because of everything we fought for that you get to snark your way through high school with lifts in your shoes instead of spending it terrified, shoved in a locker.

I was really proud of that.

Wow.

Just so you know.

Exfoliating with a dry brush pre-shower will really help you with all of this.

It'll make you look 50 again.

I'm not really proud of what came next.

[Grunting]

Damien: You shove like a girl!

What are you doing?

The piper needs to be paid.

You hired a piper?

No. I made a mistake, and I need to accept the consequences.

[Clears throat]

Classmates, could I have everyone's attention, please?

I have some troubling news.

I know you may all think of me as the golden boy, the prodigy, the wunderkind.

Who are you?

Indeed.

I'm not sure I know anymore.

We have a little situation, and I just want to be as up front as I can.

Hold on a minute.

I'm the President.

I should do this.

We need to raise $8,000 for a classmate in need.

If we don't get this money, he may never walk again.

We're gonna make a Kickstarter, and if you want to show your date you're the kind of sensitive, caring person who deserves to be rewarded in a physical way, you'll give generously.

Wow, you're a good liar.

I take it back. You deserve to be President.

We never should've helped that little punk get out of that locker.

I didn't know he was gonna be so brutal about your sweater.

[Inhaling] All right, hand it over.

What?

This is a blaze-free zone, wastoid.

I got eyes all over this place.

I know what vape is.

Coach, that's just my...

Just your...

Hey, Coach, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, what's up?

Yeah, I, uh, just wanted to let you know that that's, uh... that's his inhaler.

It's his... oh.

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

It's just... I give everything to these boys, and all they think of me is that I'm a pushover not even worthy of a lousy prank.

Cam, have you seen Gloria?

What? Yeah, oh, last time I saw her, she was somewhere over here.

[Gasping]

Oh, that was for me!

That was supposed to be for me! My boys love me!

I just wanted to read my book.

Oh, hi there. I'm Luke Dunphy, Student Body President.

And I'm Manny...

But this isn't about us.

We have a classmate who's in a pretty bad spot.

[Monitor flatlines]

But it doesn't have to end that way.

With your help, we can save him from getting beaten up.

By... by his disease.

A disease no kid should have to wrestle with.

We just need to raise $8,000 to...

Or $9,000 to get him that super deluxe treatment.

We only need $8,000...

I'm Luke Dunphy, and I approve this message.

[Twinkles]