02x10 - Drain the Swamp

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Scream Queens". Aired: September 2015 to December 2016.
"Scream Queens" initially focuses on the Kappa sorority, at Wallace University, led by Chanel Oberlin, that is thr*at by dean Cathy Munsch; leading to events that reignite a 20-year old m*rder mystery, with the reemergence of the Red Devil.
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02x10 - Drain the Swamp

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on Scream Queens...


Looks like we're gonna need to call a Green Meanie summit.

We are here to review the past and future kills.

Chanel Oberlin fried my sister's face off.

Help me!

I'm Chanel #3, Cassidy's girlfriend.

She is going to have to die.

Munsch: We can put Denise in the freezer until they find a cure for being electrocuted.


Hester: You, Dr. Brock Holt, are a k*ller.

Munsch: I have a disease called Kuru. It is terminal. I'll be d*ad in a month.

You guys are gonna k*ll me, aren't you?





(motor whirring)







(slow motion screaming)

Holy crap!



I'm sorry.

Are you okay?


Thanks for not k*lling me.

I don't want this anymore.

What about your mom, though?

I'm gonna have to k*ll her.

Doesn't that seem a little extreme?

How about you just talk to her?

Oh, yeah.

That could work, too.

You not k*lling me and standing up to your mom is totally turning me on.

How 'bout I go home and take a quick whore's bath and you meet me in a half an hour?

Mm... mm-kay.

I'll see you then.

Oh, my gosh.

These Chanels are impossible to k*ll.

It's almost like their narcissism and stupidity create some kind of a force field around them.

We have to think bigger.

And we've got to make that happen, soon.

I'm out, okay?

I'm-I'm-I'm done.

This is all you, now.

Except for Chanel #3.

If you touch her, then I'll gladly come out of retirement to end you.

Listen up, pretty boy.

If you're not part of the solution, then as far as I'm concerned, you are just another problem.

Woman (over P.A.): Call E.C.C. Nurse Hoffel, call E.C.C.

We still on for dinner tonight?

I'm a little bit confused as to whether we're still dating.

I mean, I did try to strangle you and I would totally understand if you thought that was sort of, uh, crossing the line.

It was, don't get me wrong.

But there comes a point in every long-term relationship where you feel like you just want to... strangle your partner!

So, the fact that you actually did, means we are communicating those feelings instead of burying them.

Plus, I took the fact that you helped me, Number Three and Number Five cheat on the MCATs as your way of truly apologizing.

You didn't help me cheat!

Nobody helped me cheat!

I almost got a perfect score all by myself.

(chuckles) We all almost got perfect scores, Number Five.

But I didn't cheat!

Nobody cares!


Anyway, we still on for dinner?


Why can't you see the opportunity right in front of you?

The only thing I see right in front of me is a bedsore that's progressing quite nicely, Mr. Locklear.

All right, I want to keep you on, uh, silver sulfadiazine and nitrofurazone for a few more days, before we attempt another debridement, huh?

Dean Munsch is dying.

And soon.

And her fortune is going into a trust that's being drafted on the premise that she doesn't have a next of kin.

Which she doesn't, but she will, when you convince her to marry you.


Just... think about it.

You two get hitched, she kicks it from the Kuru and bam!

You're the fortune's trustee.

If I'm in charge of the trust...

We'll rob it from them blind.

We'll run away together.

Far, far away, where no one can find us.

We'll fix up a boat on the beach, just like the last scene in Shawshank.

No, I don't really like boats.

Listen, we can buy Blood Island.

We'll live there together.

Just two m*rder with no one to m*rder except for each other, but we never will, because we love and trust each other.

And believe me, Brock, no one understands you like I do.

I will always be there for you.

And I will always... let you att*ck my crack.

Even when I've had a really large meal and I'm unsure of what you might encounter up there.

Now you lost me.

We can buy Blood Island and we can fill it with boatloads of tourists.

Then we'll knock 'em off one by one Most Dangerous Game style.

Extreme tourism is quite hot right now.


Yeah, but this plan is too elaborate.

If you stop and think about it...

Don't think about it.

This plan seems impossible until it's possible.

In fact, it's inevitable.

Okay. All right.

I'll, uh, I'll think about it.



It's Daria. Daria Janssen.

Whatever. What are you doing out here?

Well, I love fresh tomatoes.

I checked the pH of the swamp, and concluded that the rich humus that settles at the bottom would make a fantastic nitrogen-rich fertilizer. The... tomatoes appear to be glowing slightly.

Don't light that!

This stuff is highly flammable.

One spark and that much fertilizer would k*ll us both.



(typing rapidly)

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

What? Okay, get this.

Last night, I spent the night at Dr. Hot's house and as soon as he fell asleep, I snatched his phone and started going through it for hours and hours.

Wait. Are you supposed to do that?

Hello? He's my boyfriend.

He trusts me enough not to do that kind of thing, which makes it really easy for me to do that kind of thing.

Your total ignorance about how relationships work is probably the reason why all your boyfriends get m*rder.

What? That has nothing to do with my boyfriends being m*rder.

Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.

Anyway, I went through his browser history and he was googling... cheap engagement rings.

(gasping) "How quickly can I get a cheap engagement ring?"

I mean, do you know what this means?

Oh, my God.

Brock is gonna propose to me!

(all screaming)

Hoffel: Oh, my God!

Shut up!

Dr. Holt is asking everyone to gather in Dean Munsch's room.

♪ Goin' to the chapel and we're ♪
♪ Gonna get married ♪
♪ Goin' to the chapel and we're ♪
♪ Gonna get married ♪
♪ Gee I really love you... ♪

Chanel, I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad everyone's here.

♪ Gonna get married ♪

I know this sounds crazy, but...

(Brock sighing)

I'm just gonna do it, 'cause life is too short.

It is!

♪ Spring is here ♪

Will you marry me?

(all gasping)

♪ The sky is blue ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪


(music warps and fades)



I just...

I wasn't expecting this to happen.

Nobody was expecting this to happen!

Cathy, let's enjoy the last few days of your life the way you should.


You and I, as man and wife.


Yes, darling. Pounding.

(Chanel gasps)


Of course.

A thousand times, yes.

♪ Goin' to the chapel of love ♪

Munsch: Oh...

(music warps and fades)

(Chanel sobbing)

(sobbing continues)

(sobbing stops abruptly)

Brock: Chanel?



Oh, Chanel, I'm sorry. I should have told you I was gonna do that.

Propose to my mortal enemy?

I think telling me about it was the least you could have done.

What is happening?

Oh, Dean Munsch is gonna die in a month, tops. I mean, think of my proposal as sort of... (sniffles) end-of-life care.

Like a romantic hospice.

Like, a Make-A-Wish Foundation kind of thing?

Yes, exactly.

Like a Make-A-Wish Foundation thing.

It's not fair!

I mean, I'm dying, too.

We all are, in a way.

I mean, I want a hot doctor boyfriend.

What does having a boyfriend even mean to you?

You're clearly not into sex.

But what you are into is having someone to post adorable relationship selfies with.

(camera shutter clicks)

My romantic social media footprint is very important to me.

I know it is. And that's why we're gonna meet up three times a day, and we're gonna take cute-as-button pictures and-and you can put the dog filter on, with the ears and the big tongue and write silly little things on it.

And you post it just like we're a real couple.


Because we are a real couple.

Okay. (giggling)


And then, maybe... just maybe... when Dean Munsch dies, I'll rip that ring off her cold, d*ad finger and give it to you.



As you can tell from Chanel #3 still being alive...


I have decided that I don't want to k*ll anymore.

Everyone thinks Grace's creepy dad was the k*ller.

If no one else gets m*rder from now on, you basically got away with it all.

I love you so much, Mom.

I do.

But I'm a healer.

All this k*lling and revenge stuff, it's... it's you.

It's not me.

(all gasping)

This ends when the hospital is shut down.

Don't try and get in my way.

How can you talk to your son like that?

He's no son of mine.

He's all yours, Jezebel.

(door closes)

How do you feel about what just happened?

I know I'm right.

Your love has shown me that.

But we have a bigger problem.


She's the other Green Meanie.

And I think she's got something big planned.

Did you get him?

Of course.


Oh! Hey.



What? Is that Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy?

I'm sure it's just a lookalike.

Hoffel: Yeah.

But how can we be sure?

Justice Kennedy: I was told the participants would like to get this done quickly.

Yes. Um, I don't have much time left.


Sign here, please.

Oh. Okay. Thank you.

Um, I need a pen... Oh.

Thank you, Hester.

(pen scratching)

Sweet of you. Darling?


Hmm. Oh.

(pen scratching)

Okay. Assuming this gets notarized, I pronounce you husband and wife.



Ah! (laughs)


Chanel #5: Hi.

Sorry. I know you didn't want to be disturbed.

It's okay, Chanel #5.

Considering that this is the closest you will ever get to being married, I'm gonna make an exception.

Thank you. So, I have done some research, and looked over your tests, and I don't think you have Kuru. And if you do, you're probably only in the second clinical stage... the sedentary stage... and symptoms of that stage include not being able to walk without support.

Which I have. She has that.

Tremors. - (scoffs)


Emotional instability, depression.

Which I certainly have, because you... are wasting what little precious time I have left.

I, too, have researched Kuru, okay?



And sure, her symptoms may be from something else, but this woman ate d*ad flesh from the only known tribe to carry that disease on this planet.

I mean, I'm sorry, but I feel that our diagnosis is correct.

I'm sorry, boo. Wait, but the only way to really know for sure is to test a piece of her brain.

What if we performed an awake craniotomy to get the sample?

If she's awake during the operation, we can ask her questions to make sure that we're not getting close to any parts that she actually needs.

You know, the brain is a weird piece of meat, and it's highly adaptable, I mean...

But I'll be a vegetable for the remaining weeks I have left.

You're not seriously considering this, are you, my love?

Just saying, it would really suck if you don't have Kuru and you do have something that we could treat, but you die because we never knew.

Plus, it's a badass surgery, I mean, I would look so cool in front of my friends at Harvard.

That's the school I went to, Harvard.

Y-You know... you're right.

If I don't have Kuru, that means you and I have years and years and years and years of being together ahead of us.

That sounds great.


(powers down)

(phone ringing)


Jane: Hello, Nurse Hoffel?

It's Jane Hollis, Cassidy's mom.

Uh, I'm a little busy. Can I call you back?

Oh, I just need a minute.

Where are you? It sounds like a big echo.

In the basement.

Ooh, that sounds fun.

(muffled screaming)

Is it a finished basement?


I always wanted one of those...

I'm really sort of busy.

Right, I'll just get to it.


My son is d*ad to me.

So now it's just you and me.

I really appreciate all the work you've been doing, and I wanted to offer my help in finishing the job.

I think I'm doing fine on my own. Thank you.

(phone clicks)


She hung up.

(mechanical whirring)


Jane: I did everything right, raising that boy.

All I know is, I'm a failure as a mother.

Mm. Look, maybe you're feeling that way because you're seeing what Cassidy did as letting you down.

He did the right thing.

Which means deep down, he's a good person who knows right from wrong.

Who taught him that?

Well, he watches a lot of television.

Modern Family impacted him deeply.

It was you.

I know what it's like to lose someone you love.

My boyfriend was m*rder.

I miss his big arm muscles every day.

I miss my husband so much.

His arm muscles weren't very big, but they were mine.


As long as you keep focusing on revenge, you'll never get to truly grieve him.

Let me show you the hospital.

The new one your son helped build?

The one that actually heals people.

You can't go through with this.


Because what if you cure her?

I'm not gonna cure her.

Look, I'm gonna go ahead with the procedure, I'm gonna find out she's still dying, we'll cry a bunch, we'll probably pound some, and then, in a few weeks, she's gonna die and you and I will go to Blood Island.

I want you to k*ll her.



No. I want you to k*ll her during her surgery, and make it look like an accident. Just say that you... remembered a scene, from Hills Have Eyes 2, and you were overcome with chills, like...

(gasps) I just remembered a scene from Hills Have Eyes 2 and I just sliced open her brain. I'm such a klutz, and I'm never gonna watch a scary movie ever again before a surgery. I can't wait any longer.

Okay? She's got to go. I want to be sipping on Mai Tais, and I want to be hunting down tourists within a week.

Woman, calm down. Get ahold of yourself.

I will not k*ll her during this surgery.

If I botch this up, my reputation will be destroyed.

Okay, this whole plan depends on Dean Munsch being d*ad.

And if she's alive, then she gets to keep her money, and I have to go back to prison, where I literally have to draw p*rn to masturbate to, and I am a terrible artist.

I'm not gonna do that again.


So you k*ll her during the surgery, or else.

Or else what?

Oh. You heard me.

Or else.

I know... I know, or else what?

Or else.

Listen. Chanels.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

I was only pretending to be cool with Brock marrying Dean Munsch.

Really, I'm not cool with it.

You actually didn't seem cool with it at all.

It was very obvious.

I'm gonna tell you something.

I hate Dean Munsch.

I hated her when she made us take those gross pledges into Kappa House that all got m*rder, which basically prevented us from getting m*rder.

I hated her when she plucked us out of abject poverty and let us come to her medical school, no questions asked, when then led us to fulfilling our lifelong dream of becoming TV doctors...

I mean, the list goes on.

I'm crushed with jealousy.

I mean, jealousy has pinned me down and is sitting on my chest and farting.

So what are you gonna do?

This is a pipin' hot pumpkin spice latte.

Once Munsch's head is sawed open and her brain is exposed, I'm gonna throw this pumpkin spice latte into her open brain.

What, what?

I'm gonna throw this latte into her open brain.

I heard you, but why?

It'll k*ll her!

Will it?


Of course it will.

Um, I'm not... I'm not sure that it will.

I mean, it might scald a layer of brain tissue, but I don't think it'll leave any lasting damage.

Plus, she won't even feel it.

So it'll maybe scald, like, a tiny little section of her brain and then it'll heal right away.

Are you kidding me, Number Five?

It's not "doing someone a favor" to pour really scalding, super-delicious pumpkin spice latte into their open brain.

It is, if it's actually scalding.

Just the fact that it's scalding means that any bacteria would be k*lled instantly.

What you should do is get one at room temperature and leave it out for a couple of days until it spoils, and then pour it on her open brain.

Okay, well, the surgery is happening right now, Number Five, so we don't have three days.

And since when did you become so smart?

Since I aced the MCATs with no help.

Ugh, this again.

We all aced the MCATs, Number Five.

I just don't know why you have to k*ll her.

I mean, she's gonna die soon anyway.

I don't want her to die.

I want her to be k*lled by me.

That's why I am gonna pretend to trip, and pour this piping-hot PSL into her open brain.

End of conversation. Deal with it. It's happening!

I'm not gonna... I don't even care.

She's not listening.
Dean Munsch.

Dean Munsch.


Cassidy: I've sawed open a small section of your skull.

Dr. Holt's starting the procedure right now.

Can you hear me?

Wha-What am I on?

We performed a nerve block in your neck so you won't feel any pain, and I've given you a mild dose of clonazepam to keep you calm.


Calm? (chuckles)

Munsch: Okay. I feel great.

I mean, you opened up my brain and exposed it to the world.


But you know, party on, whatever.

All right, now...

What I'm gonna do is insert this biopsy needle in through a section of the frontal lobe that processes music.

So I'd like you to sing a song for us, if you can.

Is there a song that you like?

Yeah, "Smoke on the Water."

Deep Purple, "Smoke on the Water."


Munsch: Well, yeah.

I mean, they're like the granddaddies of heavy metal.

Have you never heard that chord progression?

(chuckles) I mean, seriously.

♪ We all came down to Montreux ♪
♪ On the Lake Geneva shoreline ♪
♪ To make records with a mobile ♪

(humming notes)

♪ We didn't have much time ♪

Brock: Inserting biopsy needle.

Munsch: ♪ Smoke on the water ♪
♪ A f*re in the sky ♪

Brock: Passing through the corpus callosum.

♪ Smooooo... ♪

Oop, must've hit something.

Munsch: ♪ ...oooooooke ♪
♪ On the water ♪

(scatting famous riff): ♪ Dun dun dunh ♪
♪ Dun dun duh-nuh ♪
♪ Dun dun dunh, dun dunh ♪

Taking the biopsy now.

Munsch: ♪ Hey, dun dun dunh ♪
♪ Dun dun duh-nuh ♪

Nurse Hoffel, gauze.

♪ Dun dun dunh, dun dunh ♪

Deep Purple: ♪ Smoke on the water ♪
♪ A f*re in the sky... ♪

(music ends)

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm sorry, I tripped.

No, you didn't.

I-I didn't do anything.

No, get out!

Chanel: I'm just a patsy.

Okay, let's sew her back up.

Five, let's get this sample down to the lab, please.

Cassidy, close up the hole.

Okay, well, honey, the procedure went perfectly, except for Chanel throwing a latte.

We're gonna stitch you up, and you're gonna be as good as new.

Mmm. Boning soon?

Brock: That's right, sweetheart.

Boning soon.

Munsch: Excellent.

Dean Munsch, I have some good news.

I also have some bad news.

We found no evidence of Kuru.




But the good news is...

Wait, that's not the good news?

That's the bad news.

That means that the test was inconclusive.

And that means that it's still very likely that you could have Kuru.

So what's the good news?

The good news is that you'll probably still die.

And you've been preparing for that.

So no further preparations are needed, and, um, you can just, uh, keep doing what you're doing.

You have terrible bedside manner.

Well, there's also interesting news.

I looked up other things that could cause the symptoms we all think is Kuru and the only thing that could be causing all of those symptoms... dehydration.


Extreme dehydration.

Like, you would have had to not have water for years.

That's insane. I drink water.

I mean, I'm constantly drinking.


Oh, my God. (gasps)

I only drink scotch.

Or vodka.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. That doesn't make any sense.

You put water in it, don't you?

Or drink it on the rocks?

No. Straight up. Neat.

Okay, but you'd have to have a little bit of water.

I mean, you brush your teeth, and you rinse with...


Okay, um, what about at a restaurant?

Would you like still or sparkling?

Actually, I'd love two fingers of scotch, neat.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, so you think I am just extremely dehydrated?

But what about the fact that I ate brains?

Hello, Swando? It's Cathy Munsch.

Do you remember me? We met on a plane.

Cathy, hi. It's been a while.

Yes, hello, Swando.

Um, do you remember that party that you took me to?

That was for one of your relatives, am I correct?

Yes, that is right. Very sad.

And we ate brains?

Yes, that is right. (sobs)

Swando: It's a family tradition.


I have Kuru.

Oh, Cathy, that's very sad.

There, there. There, there.

We are heartbroken, too.

Grandpa was a dear member of the family.

And so was Lamby.

Wait, wait, who's Lamby?

Lamby. He was our pet lamb. He died, too.

It's a family tradition that when a pet lamb dies, we eat the brains.

Wait, are you saying that I ate lamb brains and not human brains?

Of course we don't eat human brains, you xenophobic piece of garbage.

(laughing): I don't have Kuru!

I'm dehydrated. (laughing)

I'm gonna be fine.

Oh! Oh...

Hey, everybody, Nurse Hoffel wants us all to go down to the basement for a champagne toast to celebrate the good news.

How does she know? Oh, come on.

I need some water.

(gasps) Welcome, everyone.

Please go inside.

Oh, champagne and cheese!

And a honeymoon bed.

Sweetheart, boning soon!

Hold on a second.

This isn't real champagne. This is sparkling apple cider!

And this cheese is Styrofoam.

I just wanted to make sure your last meal was as awful as possible.

(all gasp)

Munsch: Wait.

You're the Green Meanie?

Well, I was not expecting that.

Well, Hester, you could have given...

Where's Hester?

I saw her get in an Uber with her suitcases a couple of hours ago.

Pretty sure she was running away.

Not sure why it took her so long.

This makes no sense.

She's way to old to be the baby in the belly.

That didn't stop you guys accusing me.

Dr. Cassidy is the baby in the belly, and the other Green Meanie.

He totally hasn't k*lled someone in, like, three days, so...

What does any of this have to do with Nurse Awful?!

Because my real name isn't "Hoffel," you evil little trollop.

It's Bean!

Sort of rings a bell?

Oh, for the love of Pete! Agatha Bean?

Can you give us a couple more clues?

She was your maid!


You b*rned poor Agatha's face in the deep fryer.

Chanels: Oh...

She was my sister, and you k*lled her.

And you let them get away with it, Dean Munsch.

I am sooo sorry about that.

Brock: Can I just say...

I feel like I'm unfairly being, you know, lumped in with this group here.

(Bean gasps)

Collateral damage.

Today they pay for what they did to sweet Agatha.

And Cassidy will take the fall for all of it.

Zayday: Not so fast!


Munsch: Zayday, you're safe!

Oh, I'm so relieved.

Yeah, thank you guys for all your tireless efforts in trying to find me.

I was trapped in a well again.

This ends now, Nurse Hoffel.

Since seeing this hospital, and the way it loves, respects, and heals its patients, it's made me realize how wrong I was to hold onto my anger.

The past is the past.

I'm reborn!

(screams, gasps)

Put her in the cage!

Move it! Move it!

Come on, move it.

No, no! Aww.


(whispering): I'm so sorry I let you down.

No. No, you didn't.

You saved me.

You and Zayday Williams.

Ms. Hollis, I'm so sorry about everything that's happened to you and your family.

And if we make it through this, I promise this hospital will make amends by caring for and curing as many people as possible.

Your father.

He would be so proud.

(inhales sharply, exhales)

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Well, that's gonna be a little difficult when you're splattered into a million pieces all over the neighborhood.

(timer beeping)

This is a bigger b*mb than Cloud Atlas!

(alarmed cries)

Congratulations, Cassidy.

I think your mommy's about to get her wish.

The only regret I have is that I don't get to see your face when you finally die, Chanel.

Good-bye, Chanels. Have fun in hell.

Oh, by the way, I heard there are no dinosaurs!

(gasps): Oh, no.

(sobs) Oh. Okay.

I guess we should take this moment, perhaps, to let go of some old grudges.

(chuckles) Screw that, I am going out g*n blazing!

Denise: Wait! Wait a minute!

Munsch: Wha... Denise!


Munsch: You're alive, that means my cryo-chamber worked!

Damn right it did, crunchy Munsch.

The low temperature allowed my heart to b*at slowly enough to regain its strength or something.

(chuckles) Anyway, I'm back, bitches! All right.

What did I miss?

Ooh! How's Hillary working out?

I mean, the first female president, and I missed the moment!

Damn it!

Can you just stop talking (loudly): and defuse the b*mb?

(Denise gasps)

Damn, that look complicated.

They didn't show us how to defuse no b*mb in Quantico.


But, but, but, but, but fortunate for all of us, I did watch the hit TV show Quantico.

And I saw Agent Alex Parrish defuse one.

All right.

If my memory serves me correctly...

Damn, I don't have my glasses. Okay, but I think if I pull that wire, either... the countdown will stop, or we'll all be blown to smithereens.

(Chanel #5 whimpers)

Ain't but one damn way to find out.

I do have teeth in my vagina!

I knew it.

I didn't want to die a liar.

They are very sharp.

And I don't know how they got there.

Denise: Shut up!

(Chanel #5 crying)

(beeps, girls scream)

(Munsch laughing and clapping)



(Brock sighs in relief)

Oh, Denise!

Denise Hemphill.


Let's get her!

(Chanel #3 screams in slow motion)

(gasping in slow motion)

(heart beating)

(all gasp)

(softly): Oh, God.

(body thuds on ground)

You sacrificed yourself for me.

You know, pal, could've just pushed her out of the way to save her life.

(Denise laughs) Yeah.

Jumping in front of a machete is, like, option number three in terms of the ways you could've kept Chanel #3 alive.

Shut up.

This was his redemption.

Now he can be forgiven for k*lling all those people.

Uh, I don't think it works that way.

Shut up!

He's trying to speak.

Now that you're dying, do you believe that you were always alive?

(quietly): I knew I was alive... because of how good it felt to love you.

Uh, say what now?

She's getting away. Go!

(Chanel #5 whimpers)

(footsteps receding)

Denise: There she is!

She getting away!

Oh! Careful, quicksand.


Somebody! Drop me a rope!

Come on! This is a horrible way to die.

Look, in my experience, costumed serial killers are never adequately punished by the law.

Sometimes vigilante justice is the only way.

I'm with Chanel. She k*lled my boyfriend.

Chanel: Oh, so I suppose no one cares that your boyfriend m*rder my boyfriend?!

No! No one does.

All right. We'll take a vote.

All in favor of saving Nurse Hoffel, raise your hand.

All in favor of a terrible swamp death, raise your hand.


I... Oh...

Oh! Damn my conscience!




Okay, hold on!

Help me. Hold...

Wait, wait. Okay.

Hold on. Oh...


Chanel: And just like that, another group of crazy serial killers failed in their mission to destroy me.

No! No! No! No!

Chanel: I know the last girl standing in these things is usually some sweet, virginal heroine. But in my experience, survival is all about being skinny, pretty, fashionable and ruthless. I don't know why those things matter, but that's who I am and I'm still alive.

So, ipso facto, that must be why.

♪ When the going gets tough... ♪

Not being terrorized by a serial k*ller did wonders for the hospital.

Which made Chanel #5 supes happy.

Now, I know all the doctors you've seen up to this point think you have MS, but looking at your family history, I think it's possible you could have a hidden vascular issue, so I'm gonna order an MRI.

Chanel: Turns out she's some kind of idiot savant when it comes to medical stuf.

She's still intolerable and single, obvi, but at least she's doing some good in the world.

And now that Brock and Dean Munsch left the hospital, she and Zayday are kind of top dogs there.

If we form an alliance with St. Mary's Hospital and KHF Hospital, we can coordinate to keep prices low.

It might cut into our profits, but we're here to cure people, not make money, right?

Well, okay.

Chanel: Oh, Dean Munsch and Dr. Hot didn't leave together, though.

Major drama went down the day Nurse Hoffel became the swamp's final victim.

We need to talk.

Mm. Oh, my beautiful husband.

I feel like I have been given the greatest second chance since they cast Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

Now you get to watch me grow old and I get to see if you'll actually grow old or if you're a vampire who never ages, like everyone says.

Does everybody really say that?

Yeah. But... it doesn't matter, because what matters is that this hospital gets to be what it claims to be: a place where the incurable are cured.

I'll have no problem finding somebody to take it off my hands.

Well, yeah, that's a good idea. You should travel the world or whatever, and I will stay here and I will hold down the fort for you, and I will miss you, my darling.

(chuckles) Don't be silly, hubby o' mine.

You see, I am going to the bank right now and I'm pulling out all my money.

Then you and I are going to buy a chalet in Aspen, and I am gonna hang out a shingle and become the premier sex therapist for women over 50 and you, my love, are gonna be the orthopedic surgeon to the stars.

Love you.

Love you.

I'm sorry, is there a problem?

This is rather awkward, but... your accounts are empty, Dean Munsch.

Excuse me?

You came in earlier today and withdrew all of your funds.


It's not a great picture.

Chanel: Yup, Hester stole all of Dean Munsch's money.

And her man. Though no one knows where they ran off to.

Will you be having lunch now, sir, or later?

I don't know. What do you think, sweetie?

Have the guests arrived?

Their boat hit the reef about half an hour ago.

The strongest ones should be swimming ashore at any moment.

Let's eat now and give 'em a chance to get their energy back.

Thank you, sir. It's no fun hunting them when they're all worn out.

Ugh. I agree.

It's like we have the same brain.

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Can I touch you ♪
Can I touch you

Chanel: Dean Munsch didn't take long to get back on her feet, though.

She sold the hospital for a fortune and went to Aspen to help old ladies remember how to have orgasms again.

Meredith. Come on in.

Chanel: She's also boning half the U.S. Ski Team.

Chanel: And as for me, well, destiny called... well, destiny DM'd me, because it's 2016 and no one actually calls anymore.

(cheering, applause)

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

Announcer: It's Lovin' the C...

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

.. with your host, Dr. Chanel Oberlin!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Yup, I'm a TV doctor, just like I said I would be.

Because I get what I deserve, and I deserve everything I get.

Chanel #3 is my Gayle King.

She executive produces the show, whatever that means.

Hi, everybody, and welcome to Lovin' the C.

I'm the C, Dr. Chanel Oberlin, and today on the show we'll be discussing death panels.

How can we make them a real thing for rich people who want their inheritances sooner?

(cheering, applause)

If I may be obliged a personal moment...

I've learned a lot in the past few years, and most importantly of all, I've learned that you just have to be yourself.

And that consequences and responsibility are burdens for people who choose to feel shame.

So, you be you, America.

Because Chanel Oberlin is gonna keep being me.

(cheering, applause)

(clattering in distance)

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