03x09 - My Best Friend's Girl

[bunniefuu]

Om...

What the hell?

Shh! He's meditating.

Ah.

Om...

(bangs gong)

(exhales)

I can't smoke cigars in here, but you can make it smell like a Thai massage parlor?

I would imagine.

Sorry, Oscar.

I know you are incensed by incense.

Just trying to regain my inner peace.

It's been two months since Emily and I broke up and I'm still feeling out of balance.

I did the same thing after my divorce.

Only instead of meditation and chanting, it was carrot cake and Merlot.

So, how was Shakespeare in the Park?

Was Ralph Fiennes amazing as Henry IV?

Eh.

He was okay.

Charlotte: How would you know?

You fell asleep five minutes in.

Oscar!

How can you fall asleep during Shakespeare?

Easy.

First you get confused, then you stop listening, then, before you know it, your girlfriend's elbowing you because Voldemort is bowing.

Well, maybe you'll like part two of the play better.

The...

There's a part two?

Yes, remember?

Thursday night.

But there's a game on Thursday night.

What game?

Any game.

Oscar!

I cannot believe that you are complaining about going to the theater with a beautiful, cultured woman.

Do you know how lucky you are?

I would trade places with you in a second.

You know what?

Maybe we can make that happen.

Why don't you go with Charlotte?

Oh, that's sweet of you, but...

Oh, come on!

You love artsy stuff, you hate hearing me snore, and I love not going.

It's a win-win-win.

Well, if Charlotte doesn't mind, I would love to escort her.

Great! What an amazing plan!

Yeah, what an amazing, undiscussed plan.

Felix: I'm so excited for Thursday.

When we hear the immortal words of Price Henry, "I know you all, and will awhile uphold the unyoked humor of your idleness".

And I can't wait till Thursday when I hear the immortal words of the pizza guy, "I'm here. Enjoy your cheesy bread."

Where's Felix tonight?

He's out with Charlotte.

In the past week, he has saved me from a play, an art opening, and some dancing bird thing.

Swan Lake?

That's it.

And you're not worried that Felix is gonna swoop in and steal your woman?

(all laughing)

Well, Oscar, I'm...

I'm glad you're free to hang out now that I'm back from Japan.

Why were you gone so long, Murph?

Well, you know how it goes.

You go on vacation, meet a girl, end up hosting a Japanese game show.

You lead a dumb, crazy-ass life.

You're like a hunky Forrest Gump.

Oh, my God!

That lady is a buyer from Macy's and she was admiring this necklace that I made and she wants a hundred for a big event this weekend.

Oh, my God, that's great!

(all feign excitement)

Thank you!

Opportunity is finally knocking on my door.

So, do you have all of the hundred ready to go?

No, I just have this one.

That took me five hours to make, times 99 necklaces...

Oh, my God, there's no way I can do this.

Great, I just opened the door and opportunity punched me in the face.

You know what?

What if we help you make them?

It's too crowded in our apartment, but maybe we could do an assembly line up in Oscar's place.

Really?

I can make it super fun for you guys.

Free beer...

All the onion rings you can eat.

That's a lot of onion rings.

This is huge.

Thank you!

I'm finally going to fulfill my creative destiny!

Right after I sweep up all the dead silverfish in the pantry.

Good evening, you scrappy band of underdogs.

Hey.

How was the ballet?

Amazing.

Felix, what did you call it?

An invigorating exploration of the boundaries of the human body.

Well, I would like to explore the boundaries of your human body.

Ugh.

I'm sorry, I knew two words in that was going south.

And tomorrow night I have secured us box seats for the Arias of Love concert, featuring our favorite soprano...

Both: Anna Netrebko!

Oscar, you don't mind if I'm out with Felix another night?

Of course. I can't wait to not go.

I'll change and meet you at your house.

Okay.

This is the life!

Felix does the boring five hours, then I swoop in at the end of the night for the fun five minutes.

Ten minutes.

Ten is good, right?

(Japanese game show music playing)

(woman on TV speaking Japanese)

Murph (on TV): Konichiwa, dude.

Release the lizards!

I don't get your show, Murph.

Teddy: Yeah!

Why are some of the Tokyo Fun Time Lizards real and some are women in lizard suits?

You know, man, after the second day, I just stopped asking questions.

Great work, team.

And the necklaces look fantastic.

Oh, but remember, it's two hex cuts between every rondelle and every third cloisonné should be onyx.

I tried to tell them that, but I couldn't say any of those words.

Well, maybe this is distracting you.

What is this?

Some kind of reptile p*rn?

(chuckles)

No, that's just my game show.

Though I did have sex with that lizard woman on the left.

But, serious, you guys, I just wanted to say thank you so, so much.

It's like you have my future in your hands.

Your greasy, greasy, hands.

Yeah, look!

I made a necklace completely out of onion rings.

Maybe we could take a break on the ol' onion rings.

Who wants to help me pick out pocket squares?

Oscar, Teddy and Murph: Not it!

Not... damn it!

Well, I've noticed that Charlotte prefers solid colors over patterns, so I can't decide whether to go with the white... or the more daring cream.

I don't know, why not the cream?

Why not indeed!

(chuckles)

I will be the re-bel of the ball.

And she will be my matching rebelette. Aw.

Look at you all giddy.

You know, in a different universe, you and Charlotte would make a great couple.

Please.

No, you two are adorable.

You could have one of those cute nicknames like Charlix or Fartulotte.

Probably the first one.

First one, yeah.

These are amazing seats.

That's not all.

I thought we could share this.

Sneaking in alcohol?

I never knew you were such a bad boy.

I'm wearing cream, aren't I?

I'll go grab us a couple glasses.

You two are such a lovely couple.

Oh, we're not a couple.

I don't know why people keep saying that.

You seem so perfect together.

(laughs nervously)

She's actually my roommate's girlfriend.

We are enjoying a night out as lovers of the arts, not of each other.

In fact, I'm just getting out of a relationship, so I'm not even ready to think about dating.

(laughs nervously)

But if I were, I would have to concede that Charlotte does possess many attractive qualities.

She's beautiful, obviously, intelligent with a sparkling wit, and I always look forward to our next excursion.

And if I'm being completely honest, I think I might want to spend all of my time with her and she might be the soul mate that I'm looking for and oh, my God, am I falling for my best friend's girl?

(whispers): Felix!

I stole these when the bartender wasn't looking.

I know it's wrong, but sometimes you've just got to go for it, right?

(warbly): Right.

To a night of love.

(warbly): To a night of love.

(orchestral music begins)

What the hell?

It's 8:00 in the morning!

Just trying to vacuum away the shame.

That...

That the rug must feel for being so dirty.

I'm surprised you're up so early.

You were out so late with Charlotte.

What? No, we weren't!

Out for... normal amount of time.

Morning.

Hey, babe.

Speaking of normal.

There's normal Charlotte.

My normal friend.

Felix, I had so much fun last night.

Normal amount of fun.

And guess what.

Bryn Terfel is in town tonight singing Scarpia in Tosca.

Now you're just saying things.

And I got us two tickets!

Oh, tonight?

I don't... I don't...

Not you, Oscar.

For me and Felix.

Oh.

Of course.

Tosca is one of your favorites, right?

(nervously): Of course.

But I feel like I have been monopolizing your time, so...

Charlotte: Not at all.

"Please," she asked, having just bought two very expensive tickets?

Well...

Great, it's a date!

Not a date!

But I will attend next to you.

Not plugged in there, pal.

Just practicing.

Only 28?

We are falling way behind, people!

We're just so hungry.

I can go pick up some burgers.

The only thing I need you picking up is the pace.

My deadline is tomorrow.

You can eat then.

This is not fun anymore.

She wouldn't let me go to the bathroom.

Hey, shh!

She'll hear us talking.

No one make any noise!

(cell phone beeps)

Get that phone, man!

It's from Charlotte.

She's at the opera.

She says they're about to have a night they'll never forget.

Hey, it isn't weird that Charlotte likes to go out with Felix all the time, is it?

No, it is.

Definitely weird.

Dani: Can you blame her?

I'd be bummed if my boyfriend didn't want to do the things I love.

Not a good sign if you're in it for the long haul.

But I am in it for the long haul.

Doesn't seem like it.

Dani: Sure don't.

You know, part of being in a long-term relationship is acting like you love stuff you don't.

Like, "Sure, baby, I'd love to spend Saturday in the Wig District."

Where are you going?

To the opera-singing place!

Where's Oscar?

Did he take an unauthorized bathroom break?

He's at the opera.

Hilarious, Teddy. (sighs)

I guess we will all have to work that much harder.

You know what?

If Oscar's out, I'm out.

This is worse than hosting that Japanese game show.

And they put jumper cables on my nipples.

I'm out too.

You're mean.

And you lied about those onion rings.

That wasn't all I could eat.

Fine, quitters!

Dani and I will just finish this by ourselves, right?

(giggles)

We will work here all night if we have to.

Right?

I didn't get a program.

Can I look over your shoulder?

(nervous gasp)

Oh, you have an eyelash on your cheek.

Leave it, just leave it.

Hey, opera buddies.

Oscar!

What are you doing here?!

Well, I had to see what the opera was all about.

Can't let you two have all the fun.

And to class up the night, I brought this.

Chips.

In a tube.

Oscar, I know you hate all this cultural stuff.

You don't have to be here.

But I want to be here.

What you like, I like.

Your thing is my thing.

It's Tosca...

I'm Osca.

That's sweet.

But I think when it comes to opera, you either like it or you don't.

Right, Felix?

Wouldn't you describe it as a feeling in your soul?

(nervous gibberish)

(music begins)

Oh, thank God, it's starting.

What's this one about?

Tosca is a tragic love triangle.

Is there any other kind?

It's about a happy couple and an evil man named Scarpia intent on stealing the woman away.

He's a bad, bad, evil man.

Does he get away with it?

No! He doesn't!

I've fallen for Charlotte!

I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did!

Don't look at me! I'm a monster!

Felix? Felix?

His vacuum cleaner is here.

And it's cold.

Where could he be?

Oh, you know Felix, always being so dramatic.

I'm just sorry he ruined our big night of culture, which I was super wide awake for.

It's from Felix.

"Dear Oscar, I'm so sorry for my outburst. I don't know what came over me. Until further notice, I will be at the Cleansing Breath Zen Retreat in Connecticut. P.S. I let the neighbors know you'll be here alone. Don't use the stove".

Oh, great.

Now all I want to do is use the stove.

Poor Felix.

I can't help feeling a little responsible for this.

A little?

Or completely?

Excuse me?

Oh, come on!

Of course he thinks he has a crush on you.

You're always like, "Felix, you know so much about the ballet."

"Felix, I got two tickets to that thing you like."

"Felix, let's get dressed up as the Queen of England."

You wanted me to ask him so you wouldn't have to go!

Well, I didn't want to go, but now I do.

Who wouldn't?

Look at you, with your hair and your eyes and your intoxicating perfume?

I mean, should we be having sex right now?

Really, Oscar?

Your friend is obviously freaking out and you're not going after him?

You are so selfish.

Selfish?

I brought chips!

That you ate in the cab ride home.

That was stress eating!

And it didn't work, either, because I'm still stressed and I'm still hungry!

(exasperated sigh)

I'm going to make a grilled cheese.

I can't use the stove!

Here's your grilled cheese.

Ah.

Have you heard from Felix?

No, but it's only been one night.

I don't see why everybody is so worried about him.

I mean, he's going to be fine.

We're all grown-ups, right?

They forgot to cut the crust off!

(sighs)

I'll do it.

Why not?

I'm a career waitress.

Waiting on people is what I do when I'm not failing to capitalize on life-changing opportunities.

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't be holding the Kn*fe.

Aw, there she is!

If those are my jewelry supplies, you can just throw them in the trash.

It's 100 completed necklaces, ready to go.

We worked on them all night.

All damn night.

(loudly): I even got a bead stuck in my ear.

Yeah, yeah, it's still in there.

I got to go to the hospital after this.

You guys did this even after I was such a jerk?

I realized we weren't being good friends to you.

You were in a tough spot, and you needed our help.

Aww, you guys!

Come on, Oscar, you too.

Actually, I didn't help.

It's okay, you were probably busy dealing with Felix.

Actually, I wasn't.

Charlotte's right.

I'm a selfish, bad, bad friend.

I deserve the crusts.

You guys are the best.

I thought I missed my one chance.

But now look.

These aren't tied off.

(loudly): Hey, those aren't tied off!

That was Oscar's job.

Oh, but he wasn't there!

Okay, listen up, no one is leaving here until every one of these necklaces is finished!

Uh, you remember that thing you apologized for...

Bup, bup, bup, let's go!

Oh, really appreciate you guys, best friends in the whole world.

Come on, move it!

Hey, do I have time to go to the E.R. first?

Welcome to the Cleansing Breath Zen Center and Yoga retreat.

Yeah, okay.

I'm looking for a strange little man who...

Felix?

Yeah.

He's in the rock garden.

Namaste.

Oscar: Felix?

Are you the new janitor here?

No, this is a Zen garden.

By eliminating every imperfection and footprint in this place, it's possible to bring calm to the world.

Unlike some people, who seem to just be phoning it in.

Okay, that's it!

Oh, Lance, what happened to your seven-day vow of silence?

It's worth breaking to say that you are an insufferable, judgmental, know-it-all who is utterly without Zen!

Oh, I see someone didn't take a vow against middle fingers.

Felix, are you all right?

I'm really worried about you.

Well, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I guess I've decided that I...

Oscar?

Charlotte!

What are you doing here?

I was worried about Felix.

What are you doing here?

I was worried about Felix too.

Well, at least we have one thing in common.

Hey, guys, you're really messing up my sand pattern here.

"One thing in common"?

What does that mean?

Well, look at you.

You're all beautiful and classy and cultured, and I'm, you know, me.

Yeah, so?

So? What kind of a future are we going to have if we're so different?

I literally just raked that.

Is that why you've been acting so weird?

I don't want someone exactly like me.

I love that we challenge each other.

You do?

Does one of you guys want to rake too?

Yes.

I spend all day with snooty people.

I love that I get to come home to you.

So you can stop pretending to like all my artsy stuff.

Thank God.

(chuckles)

Do you want to handle this lunatic or should I?

I'll start.

Felix, are you okay?

Yes.

I suppose I'm just ashamed for losing control and making this so awkward for both of you.

I know you think you have feelings for me, but maybe you were just enjoying a little female companionship.

And maybe this is a sign that you're ready to move on from Emily and start dating again.

I think you may be right.

I just happened to be the first woman you went out with, and you got caught up in the fantasy of it all.

Exactly, yes.

This wasn't about you at all.

I was just so lonely, it could have been anyone.

Well, not anyone.

I mean, it could have been a mannequin.

Or a broom with a wig!

Or one of those inflatable...

I think Felix made his point.

Well, I think I'm ready to end this self-imposed exile.

Look out, Manhattan women age 35 to 55 with a passion for Scrabble, because Felix Unger is DTF!

Hmm?

Determined to fornicate.

Let's go.

Oscar: Felix!

Coming!