01x09 - The Mediocre Outdoors

[bunniefuu]

[elevator dings]

Hey, Esther, how're you doing?

Ever since the accident, I can tell what cats are thinking.

Terrific!

Clark: Hey, guys!

We're product-testing for this month's camping essentials list.

Check out the hot tub hammock.

It fits two!

Walking sleeping bag.

And I'm wearing picnic pants!

We have our answer.

This is what happens when the world gets rid of all the bullies.

None of these are camping essentials.

At best, they look like rejected products from "Shark t*nk."

It's like you guys have never been camping.

I haven't.

Me, neither.

When I was eight, I was trapped in a well for two hours.

You were Baby Clark?

Yep.

How did any of you get hired?

I blame you, Brooke.

Oh, what for?

They've never been camping.

You hired a bunch of shut-ins to work for an outdoor magazine.

Tech-savvy shut-ins, who helped us transition from struggling magazine to bad-ass adventure website.

Jack, you're here to give us the real outdoor perspective, so they don't need it... Right, my peeps?

Nah, you screwed up, Brooke.

We should totally know how to camp.

We're a disgrace to the magazine.

Everybody here, except Brooke, is right.

You kids need some camping experience.

Someone should get you out there, post-haste.

Fortunately, you work for the greatest outdoorsman I've ever known...

Brooke.

Did you mislead us on purpose?

I did.

I am sorry, but Paul and I have plans.

I wish I could... I love camping.

Don't believe all the rumors.

I don't think people talk about you as much as you think they do.

Roland: It's a real shame, because Brooke is so good at camping, she makes Navy SEALs look like baby seals.

Did you have that one loaded up for a while?

[sheepishly]: I did, yeah.

Jack, why don't you take them out?

Oh, not this weekend... I'm totally free.

Jack... you spent some time in the Philippines, didn't you?

How's your Kapampangan?

[Roland cackling]

Ah, whatever it is you are planning, I do not like it, especially since I heard you say, "Brooke."

I think you misheard me.

What are you saying?

Good news, dry humps!

We're going camping!

[cheers]

[eagle screeches]

♪ Synced and corrected by javiernv ♪

[phone ringing]

Guys, I can't believe I'm going actual camping with actual Jack Gordon.

If I ever get married, I am retroactively claiming this as my bachelor party.

Good morning.

[all greet Jack]

Wow, look all this crap.

Yeah, he's right.

We probably don't need this George Foreman grill.

Especially since we have this George Foreman grill.

Jack: All right.

I'm going to put all this into two piles.

What we need will go on this table, and all the useless garbage will stay right here.

Okay, I'm done.

Wait, what? What about this stuff?

I packed for you guys.

All you need is a rope, a Kn*fe, and, of course... the bible.

Emma: Your book?

We don't all need our own copy.

Yeah, you do... My garage is full of them.

Jack: Trust me.

The last thing this camping trip needs is dead weight.

[air horn blowing]

Who is ready to get turnt in a forest?

Me!

Brooke!

From work.

Brooke, what are you doing here?

I am here to make sure this trip is crazy fun.

[cheering]

Stop it, you don't need to cheer every time someone says "fun."

[cheering]

Listen, this is about turning them into outdoorsmen.

They need basic survival skills, not...

Is that a popcorn machine?

No, no, it's a karaoke machine.

You know you don't need all this stuff.

Roland taught you how to camp, right?

How's your Croatian?

Ooh, someone's fighting over who gets to share a tent with me!

They need to toughen up.

Yesterday, Clark screamed when he walked into his own burp.

I was expecting the banana, but I'd forgotten about the Doritos.

Uh, okay, I'm coming with you, so you may as well get on board the fun train.

You know what?

"Fun train" convinced me.

Hey, kids, you know what's fun?

Knots!

All: Oh...

Jack: Let's learn the bowline.

The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the tree, then dives back down the hole!

All right, all aboard the fun train!

Next stop, Giggle Mountain.

First one to the car gets string cheese!

String cheese, what?!

Thanks for trying, Jack.

Of course.

And thanks for staying behind and trusting me with them.

Wait, what?

Jack!

Jack, get back here!

Get back here right now!

Eddie, can you please help me out?

What's that?

I heard an "Eddie" in there, but my Croatian is very rusty.

[sighs]

It's good to be back in the wild again... for the first time.

So...

Is this it?

Oh, no.

In a minute, a bunch of cartoon animals are going to come out and sing us a song...

Yes, this is it!

It's not that bad!

I'm actually getting some great Instagrams.

Oh.

Hey, Jack, can you move that plant?

It's in my sh*t.

When it's not in a pot, it's called a tree.

Wait...

Who waters all these?

Okay, listen up.

You guys are in my world now, and as a thank you for teaching me how to pronounce [with soft "G"]: GIF...

All [with hard "g"]: GIF.

I don't care.

I'm going to teach you how to not die.

There are three essentials to surviving in the wild.

[Survivor-like music playing]

Shelter.

Fire.

Food.

Well, a fishing net, but you get the point.

Or maybe you don't.

Did you guys see any of that?

If I've learned anything from my parents, it's that if you wait long enough, older people just do everything for you.

Sorry, I was trying to find the angle that makes this mushroom look most like a penis.

And where the hell is Clark?

I'm back!

I went exploring and I fell in a gully.

It was like I was Baby Clark in that well all over again.

So none of you guys paid attention?

That's okay, I'll just take it all down and show you again.

Come on over, Emma.

Yeah.

Aah.

Just kidding... You're on your own.

Come on, Jack, show us again.

Whatever... I could just Google how to build a shelter and make a fire.

Well, good luck using your phone to trap some food.

UberEATS!

I'm looking for Emma by the trees.

Look, I just caught a hamburger.

You can ding me on stars for being late, but in my defense, I thought I heard someone screaming from a gully.

Jack: Okay.

Screen time is over... thanks.

Your phones are going to go on a little camping adventure for themselves.

What are you doing?

Why did he take our phones?

Oh, Jack, is the signal better up there?

Nope, just threw the bag.

You guys have everything you need to survive without your phones.

Now there's nothing standing between you and nature.

[air horn blowing]

Hi, guys, it's me, Brooke from work.

What part of me tying you to a bar do you not understand?

It's like you're a golden retriever dragging a bench into a coffee shop.

How did you find us?

I just followed the trail of Skittles.

Hey, look, there's a hole in my pocket.

Brooke, Jack's trying to make us better people, and it's really annoying.

Ah, well, that is why I have stuffed my pack with a guitar, s'mores, and a thermos of iced tea... from the Long Island region.

We're camping, we're not helping Linda get through her divorce.

[rattling]

These are jokes, I'm joking.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

[screams]

First, I've never been more turned on.

Me, neither.

Now, despite saving Clark's life, you need to leave.

[struggling]: No.

I do not trust you alone with them.

Not any of them.

[Clark and Mason yelp]

Not Clark, not Mason, not Emma.

They need someone who is...

[snake's bones breaking]

...sensitive.

[groaning]

[snake's body squishing]

Compassionate.

[snake's skin cracking]

And...

...fun.

[moaning]

All do you is scare them.

Where's my party pack?

Don't s*ab the messenger, but I think Jack ran off with it during the sacrifice.

Don't worry.

He won't get far.

[wolf howling]

That squirrel sounds awfully close.

Jack!

[shrieks]

Is that really how you scream?

No... I was joking, shut up.

[laughing]

Just give me my pack.

No, forget it... I took it because I want you to leave them alone.

Yes, I know what you're doing to them: the exact same thing my dad did to us.

Making them great campers?

Yeah, by watching them struggle for the whole weekend from some other campsite.

Not going to be another campsite.

I booked a king suite right over there.

Is that snake's blood?

It's hot... Really pops your cheekbones.

Wow! So this is how you inspire the next generation of campers.

Wonder what my dad would say if he saw this.

I don't know, maybe something like...

Jack!

Brooke?

Na-nung meel-ya-ree kang "no chicks rule" ta-moh?

I don't think they're coming back.

Okay.

Well, I guess it's up to us to repopulate society.

How do you want to handle this? Should we draw straws?

You want to pick one of us?

I have no sense of time without my phone.

How long have we been out here?

45 minutes?

Three days?

48 minutes?

What's the point of eating a meal if you can't Instagram it first?!

Guys, come help me with this lean-to.

Mason: No, we need our phones.

Help us, Clark.

Clark: No.

Jack put our phones up there so we would learn how to get by without them.

Or because he wants us to die.

Either way, my goal is to make that man go to bed happy.

Please, Clark.

Dude, I don't cave to peer pressure.

Please, Clark?

Okay, for you, I will do it.

[grunts]

All right.

Oh! Okay.

[exclaiming nervously]

[yelling]

I've almost got it!

Oh, no!

Clark fell and I didn't catch him...

[groans]: On video.

Let me get this straight.

When I was a 16-year-old girl, alone, in the woods, drinking rainwater from a fox's skull...

...you were drinking champagne in some cozy lodge.

Oh, no, no.

No, it was summer, so it would almost certainly have been poolside margaritas.

It's my move, Brooke.

You know, I've already proven my mettle out in the wild, so while the newbies are out there building character, I can be in here building a relationship with a busty concierge that you might one day be calling "Mum."

Aren't you bothered by the hypocrisy?

Yeah, it really stresses me out.

That's why I'm going for the two-hour massage instead of the 90-minute.

Darling, it breaks my heart to think that you might be disappointed in me, So let me say one thing that might just change your feelings.

Try the crab cakes.

If you think I'm going to stay for crab cakes, you are wrong.

I'm going to take the crab cakes and the champagne to go.

Well, you can go whenever you want, but your party pack is staying right here.

Where is it?

I hid it.

And I'm pretty sure you're never going to find it.

Well, I will just go and ask the front desk if they have seen it.

Oh, if you see Diane...

And you can hardly miss her...

Could you ask if she thinks I'm cute?

[crying]

My baby toe.

What do we do?

Do we need to use a splint or tape, or is this one of those things where it's more humane to put you down?

What?!

I'm sorry, I don't know what to do.

Two hours ago, I knew everything.

Now I don't know anything.

I'm like that guy in that movie.

You know, the one with the girl.

She was in the other movie with the other guy?

Oh! You know, he dated what's her name?

Oh, my God, is this how people talked before phones?

I haven't recorded anything in two hours.

How the hell am I supposed to remember all this?

It's okay, we can use our minds to remember.

They're not built for that!

That's why God gave us Steve Jobs to give us phones!

Okay, fine, I will remember for you.

It's not like something's going to happen right now that you have to take a picture of.

You're right.

[squeaking]

Oh, my God!

He's wearing my sunglasses!

You couldn't be more wrong!

Siri, bring phone.

Siri, there's a raccoon wearing human sunglasses!

Siri, activate arms and get out of bag.

Guys, we are nothing without our phones.

I have a great idea.

Let's quit.

Yeah, let's go.

What? Guys...

Guys, wait!

[cries]: Oh, my baby toe!

Are we really going to go home and tell our best friend, "Well, Mom, we lost our phones in a tree and nature got the best of us"?

Guess so.

My dad's a listener.

Come on, we can do this.

As a wise man once said, "Giving up is for little b*tches."

Do you know who that wise man was?

Definitely Jack.

Jack.

It was Jack!

He left us out here because he believed in us.

So let's sack up... And not to be sexist, boob up...

And try to remember what the hell he taught us.

Yeah.

Fine, I didn't really know where we were going, anyway.

[Survivor- like music playing]

Shelter.

Fire.

And a net that has something to do with food.

♪ ♪

We got our phones!

We're geniuses!

[wolf howling]

I'm starting to think that squirrel is a really big squirrel.

[more wolves howling]

And a popular squirrel.

Bad news.

According to my phone, it's freezing out here.

[shivering]

Also, that guy from that movie?

Colin Firth.

Oh!

[wolves howling]

Warmer... getting warmer.

Warm.

Oh, cold again.

You're right, though, your party pack does make camping more fun.

Just tell me where it is.

You know what I did to that snake.

Oh, that was hot.

Roland: Come on, darling, join us... fondue!

No, I need to make sure those kids are okay out there and having fun.

Oh, come on, Brooke, I know they're soft mashed potato people, but have a little faith in them.

And in my technique.

It may seem cruel and be cruel, and Jack and I may have made side wagers on who suffers from what injuries, but I haven't left anyone out there who can't handle it.

I'm sure they can handle it.

Jack: Then what's the problem?

I mean, it obviously worked out for me, and you're a bad-ass.

I mean, when you stabbed that snake, dudes were getting half-chubs all the way to Cincinnati.

I know, but...

But what?

Half-chubs, Brooke.

Half...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, thank you.

Sorry, sorry. Yes.

Chubs!

Okay, look, maybe it's time to dispel all the rumors and endless speculation about my feelings for camping.

No one talks about you.

I actually hate camping.

[gasps]

You're no son of mine.

I'm sorry, Dad.

When I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was go camping with you.

I thought we'd tell scary stories and toast marshmallows, but instead I spent a week on my own sleeping in poison ivy, fighting off mosquitoes, and watching the life drain from an adorable bunny I would have kept as a pet if I hadn't needed to strangle it for dinner.

I'm at three-quarters.

I'm sorry, Brooke, I had no idea.

You were always so proud of me.

I didn't have the heart to tell you.

You ruined the outdoors for me.

I thought I was doing, doing the best for you.

Well, Mason, Clark, and Emma might end up like Jack, but they also might end up like me.

So with or without my party pack, I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen.

Whoa, a meteor!

I want to tweet about it, but I don't want to look away.

Emma: I guess you could just, like...

...say it?

Mason: How about...

"sh**ting stars are like nature's sprinkles"?

That's deep.

I'm going to retweet it.

sh**ting stars are like nature's sprinkles.

I like that.

That was me liking that.

Mmm.

Would you like me to say it for you?

Yes.

[in English accent]: Blimey, Jack, you were right.

We left them alone, they nutted up, and learned to love camping.

And you have to admit, this daft party pack was a jolly good idea.

Pip, pip, cheerio, God bless us, everyone.

Somewhere within that hate crime there was an apology.

Good enough.

Jack, you're back.

Check it out, I broke my baby toe.

And we used your book.

Really?

Mason: Yeah.

We used it to make this fire, see?

Well, it's the handsomest fire I've ever seen.

Way to not die.

You've earned these marshmallows.

Boo!

[screaming]

Who wants to hear a scary story?

Now, this is the camping trip I always wanted.

I'll tell you the tale of my first divorce.

[in deep, spooky voice]: It all began with no prenup.

[screaming]