01x03 -The Buffer

[bunniefuu]

Oh... yeah, that's nice.

Mickey: Oh.

Oh...

Good morning, everybody.

Shh!

Who the hell is this clown?

Hi. I'm Kai.

Sabrina: He's my boyfriend.

Who are you?

Well, I'm...

Mmm.

Mmm.

(Chip groans)

I'm Jimmy.

(moaning)

My goodness.

They are really going for it, huh?

♪ ♪

(bed frame banging)

(Sabrina moaning)

Sabrina: Yeah!

(Sabrina and Kai laughing)

Oh, my God, are you really allowing this?

What do you want me to do about it?

Something, it's disgusting.

Just turn the TV up.

Probably tire themselves out pretty soon.

Nah, I don't know, Mick.

It kind of feels like it's your department now.

Are you giving me parenting advice?

Yeah, why are you even here?

Alba: Yeah, true, you contribute nothing.

Oh, what the hell are you guys talking about?

I'm the father figure.

Do you like my turtle?

Uh... no, not really.

Good job, Dad.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to the kid.

(furniture crashing upstairs)

Oh, there we go.

Problem solved.

(bed frame banging)

Oh...

Oh, my God!

(Mickey and Ben yelling)

(door opens)

Knock, knock. Can I come in?

Mm-hmm. You could also actually knock.

Yeah. How's it going?

Everything good?

Yep.

Just chillin'.

Yeah, yeah.

So, Kai, huh?

He seems cool.

Yeah.

What's his deal? Is he like a... a fireman or a model or something?

No.

No, he builds furniture out of found wood.

(laughing): Found wood.

Found wood's a thing. Oh.

So, I guess you guys are having sex, huh?

Oh, God, are we having the talk?

No, I don't want to have the talk, at all.

Listen, I just wanted to let you know that I totally get it and you picked a good one, that guy is a hall of fame piece of ass.

(chuckling) Oh, man, I'd let him do things to me...

Please stop! Just stop it.

All right, the point is, uh, you're a woman with needs and I get it, so as long as you're using condoms, I'm cool.

We're not.

Oh, okay. Well, that's cool.

Your body, your choice.

I am more of a pill person myself.

Do you have any idea how poisonous that stuff is?

How is birth control poison, Sabrina?

It destroys your body and causes crazy mood swings.

So do babies!

Why do you all of a sudden care what...?

Oh...

I get it. (laughs)

Get what?

You're jealous.

I'm jealous?

Yeah.

What, of you?

Why would I be jealous of you?

Maybe because I have a beautiful hunk of beef and you don't.

I got beef.

Who, Jimmy?

That packaged lunch meat?

I'm over here feasting on filet mignon.

All right, you know what? I don't want to have this conversation. I just don't want you to get pregnant, so why don't you just take some of my pills, until you go fill a prescription of your own.

(chuckling): You keep your birth control in a plastic bag?

Well, I buy it in bulk online.

I find it more cost effective.

I don't want them, okay?

Why are you so resistant to the pill?

It's a modern miracle!

The pill revolutionized everything for women.

We were able to join the workforce.

It allowed us to...

You never worked a day in your life.

(door opening)

But I could if I wanted to, thanks to this magic little pill.

Those pills are magic?

Oh, here we go. Ben, let me ask you something.

If there was a pill that gave you the freedom to be anything in the whole world, would you take it?

Definitely.

There you go. This kid gets it and he's, like, three.

Great, then he can take 'em. How 'bout that?

Okay, come back here.

Come on, Sabrina.

What do you care what I do with my body?

You're not my mom.

Honey, as far as I'm concerned, as long as I'm here, I have two jobs: make sure nobody dies or winds up pregnant.

No deaths, no births.

Is what you're doing even legal?

You're 17!

What is he, like 30?

Actually, the age of consent in Connecticut is 16.

What?

It's cool to have sex with a 16-year-old in the state of Connecticut.

Well, not cool like "awesome."

Cool like "acceptable."

Gross, how do you know that?

I know what I know.

12 in Oaxaca.

Mickey: Pull your head out of your ass!

Come on, this is the kind of mistake that could ruin your life.

I'm not gonna get pregnant.

(Chip chuckles)

God, I'm so stoked I'm not a girl.

Babies freakin' suck.

Hey, it's a two-way street, pal.

Women have trapped men since the dawn of time by getting "accidentally" knocked up.

And you, my friend, are a prime target.

If I were a chick, I would take you down.

(groans)

Hey, babe.

Hey.

(both moaning)

(moaning continues)

Um?

Jimmy, can I have a word with you in the bedroom for a second?

Why?

(moaning continues)

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yep.

Hey, guys.

Kai, can you give us a little privacy, please?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Thanks.

Babe, do you need anything?

I'm fine.

Oh, yeah, you are.

Okay. Scooch over.

Here we go. Whoopsie daisy.

Um...

So, listen, I was thinking about our conversation yesterday and I feel like I came across kind of naggy.

And I'm really sorry about that.

Because I get it, condoms suck.

Remember how I felt about this conversation before?

Mm-hmm.

Nothing's changed.

All right, well, just hear me out, okay?

I went down to the free clinic and I took full advantage of the "free" part for you.

Turns out, you kids have all sorts of options these days.

What?

I mean, are you kidding me?

Look at this.

For instance, what's this little guy?

(humming) Cute little silver package.

A ring!

It's like a little piece of calamari.

That's cool.

I don't know what you're supposed...

Does this go around the...

Oh, no, no. Nope, you squish it, and you actually stick it up your... and you are, uh...

You're open for business.

Oh, yeah? Okay, cool, well, uh, it has the exact same hormones as the pill and it causes blood clots.

Okay, try not to be a pain in the ass, we have a lot more here.

Now, what is this gizmo?

That's an IUD.

(groaning): Boy, it's off-putting.

Very long.

Yeah.

Oh, but you know what I see here?

No chemicals, no hormones.

Looks like we've got a winner!

Nope.

Open wide.

Don't even...

Yeah, here comes the airplane.

Come on.

I'm gonna shove it all...

I'm just kidding.

I don't want it!

I won't, you got pants on.

Oh, my God.

That thing is filled with copper.

Come on, do you have any other toxins you want to fill me up with?

Oh, my God, you are the dumbest smart person I have ever met in my life.

Fine, you don't want to use condoms, I guess I'll have to be the condom.

Gross, what does that even mean?

It means I will see to it that you and Kai never have unprotected sex.

How?

I don't have a job or any hobbies, I'll figure something out.

Chip: Hey, Mickey.

I need your signature.

(groaning): Yeah, I'm not big on paper trails.

What's it for?

Well, I thought about what Jimmy said and I'm gonna get a vasectomy.

A vasectomy? What the hell are you talking about?

Jimmy's right, I got a big-ass target on my back.

Jimmy!

Think about it: I'm rich, I'm smart, I look like a freakin' movie star, I'm kind, and I'd make a great dad.

It's only a matter of time until some gold-digging whore lures me into her honey trap.

Jimmy: What's up?

Chip here is thinking about getting a vasectomy.

Oh, right on. You want me to drive him or something?

No, I don't, because he's not getting one.

Hey, this is my body.

I should be able to do whatever the hell I want with it!

He's got a point. Nah, don't you... don't start.

He's not getting his balls chopped off, Jimmy, okay?

Okay, that's not how it works.

It's actually a pretty simple procedure.

They clamp it, snip it, seal it.

I've had it done a couple times and reversed, so...

Okay, he hasn't even kissed a girl yet.

I've kissed girls, okay? I kiss... I kiss mad girls!

All right, prove it.

Kiss your hand, show me how you kiss all these girls.

Okay...

(sighs)

(moaning)

(moaning continues)

(laughing)

Stop laughing, it's not funny!

I'm sorry.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing, we're just, um, making fun of Chip 'cause he's never kissed a girl.

Ah, don't sweat it, little man.

I didn't have my first kiss till the third grade.

Well, I'm 13.

Hmm. Well, there's nothing to it.

All you got to do is just close your eyes, just let the wave wash over you.

(both moaning)

No, no, okay, all right, all right, hold on. H-Hey. Hang on a second. Wait!

Just stop. Stop! Stop it!

I mean...

Stop!

Get out. Good, good.

Good, really good.

Healthy. Healthy as a horse. (laughing)

Jimmy, a word.

What? Oh.

♪ Bounce, come on, bounce, bounce ♪
♪ Come on, bounce... ♪

Oh, my God!

♪ 'Cause I'm the king of the castle ♪
♪ Na, na, na ♪
♪ Turn me on, turn me loose ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Try to hit it, it's a hassle ♪
♪ Come get some of this... ♪

(gasps, groans)

♪ Play me like Nintendo, never, ever let go ♪
♪ Keep it so loud, you'll be hittin' the crescendo ♪
♪ Do Re Mi Fa Sol La Ti Do ♪
♪ Come, baby, come ♪
♪ Baby, baby, come, come ♪

♪ Come, baby, come, baby, baby, come, come ♪

♪ When you got to give me lovin' ♪
♪ And you got to give me some ♪
♪ You got to give me lovin' ♪
♪ And you got to give me some ♪

(Sabrina yelling)

What are you doing?

(coughing): Oh, come on.

♪ Then you got to give me some ♪
♪ You got to give me lovin', then you got to give me some ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on... ♪

Oh!

(laughing)

(whimpering)

♪ Well, I can hear the ♪
♪ Ring, ring, ring ♪
♪ The telephone goes ring ♪
♪ Hello, hello ♪
♪ But we're still gettin' busy. ♪

Yeah! There we go.

Ooh, stinks in here.

Get a little air flow going.

What are you, insane?

You have nothing better to do than to stalk me?

You guys just say the word.

Just give 'em to me, we'll try 'em, you maniac.

Now we're talking.

(sighing)

(whirring)

You kids go nuts.

(groaning)

(yells)

Whoa...

What is the problem, slugger?

All the girls at my school are stupid trolls!

Oh, well, you were smart to come to me.

I didn't, you walked into my room.

Yeah, either way.

Tell me about these trolls, pal.

(sighs) They're...

They're not trolls, okay, they just... they won't... (sighs)

Okay, if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anybody.

Yeah, of course.

Mickey's right, I never... kissed a girl, ever.

Uh-huh.

I tried to do it like Kai, but they all treated me like I had freakin' AIDS.

Okay, that's ignorant and insensitive, but I get how it feels to be rejected.

Trust me, uh...

All right, and Kai, he's so good looking, it's...

I wouldn't mind taking a run at him myself.

And he is really giving your aunt and I a jump-start in the bedroom.

Oh, gross, dude. Know your audience.

I'm sorry. Look, all I'm saying is you got to be yourself, okay.

Forget Kai and his looks.

You've got things that he doesn't have, right?

You got to play to those, play to your strengths.

Right, play to my strengths.

Thank you, Jimmy.

Yeah.

(bed frame banging upstairs)

Ugh. What the heck is going on up there?

Your sister's getting fu... rniture... delivered.

Huh?

Pretty cool drawing.

No, it's not. It's terrible.

And how am I supposed to make anything good when you won't stop breathing down my neck?!

Whoa, Benny, what is going on with you, bud?

You're so moody these days.

Ms. Mickey? Look, I found these in Sabrina's trash.

Are you serious?

You have to promise me you will not let her get pregnant, okay... Prométame.

I prometa. Okay?

I already raised Sabrina, Chip, and Ben.

I cannot do another, not with all the crying and the...

And the no sleeping and the diapers.

I get it. Hey, hey, yes...

There are just so many diapers.

I understand, okay.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

I breastfed all three of them.

My nipples are like old chewing gum.

No, no, no, but come on, good God, that's enough.

I'll figure it out, okay.

I don't want to hear about your nipples anymore.

Are we cool on that?

Yeah, we're good. We're good.

Okay, good.

But we got to keep her from seeing him.

No, that's the classic thing. If we forbid her to see him, she's just going to want him more.

We got to make her break up with him.

(gasps) Oh!

What?

I'm going to bang his beautiful brains out.

Oh... yeah.

Oh... yeah.

Mickey, I got a bad feeling about this.

Sabrina is going to do the m*rder to you if you sleep with Kai.

Yeah, well, she'll get over it.

I think it should be me who carries out this despicable act.

Oh, Alba, that is very generous of you, but not necessary.

You already do so much for this family.

Oh, well, I really don't do a lot, and I've been slacking off.

Yeah, it's okay. I... I do this.

Yeah, super thoughtful, but you know what?

Here's the thing.

Kai's a thoroughbred, right, and we really need an experienced jockey riding that horse.

Yeah, but if I could just take a...

Back off, Alba, okay? I'm doing my plan.

Kai (calling out): Hello? Ma'am?

Just be grateful you get to listen.

Hello?

Oh, hey, you.

Hey. I got your message.

There's something wrong with your bed?

Jumping right into it, huh?

I like that. Want to have a drink first?

Oh, no, I'm okay. You know, booze and power tools.

All right, I'll take yours.

Oh.

So, um, what seems to be the problem over here?

Oh, man, she's creaking like a barn door.

Oh, yeah?

Yep.

Hmm, well, I guess I could tighten a few screws, but it looks good to me.

It looks good to me, too.

Yeah, okay. Um, let's see.

Yeah, you know, I'm still not really hearing anything.

You're not hearing it? Yeah.

Oh, I think I know what the problem is.

Normally I'm, huh, on top of it when I'm hearing the noises, you know what I mean?

It's, kind of, like... (grunting) squeak... squeak... squeak, squeak.

You hearing it at all?

Yeah, you know, I'm not hearing it.

Oh, okay. Well, then I guess let's just start over.

We don't have to overthink it.

Let's go under the bed and we'll figure out sort of a...

I just want to get out of this here.

You know what, maybe I should... okay.

Well, hold on. Hang on a second.

Okay.

I think if we... you just gave me a second, we could...

Oh!

My goodness, what a launch.

Are you... are you leaving? Leave. Get out of here.

Get out of my room. Get out of my room and do not come back.

I could've closed the deal.

Not now, Alba, okay? Not now.

Oh, that bitch, if she wants to get pregnant, fine, fine.

We're going to help her get pregnant.

Hmm?

Hey, Steffi.

Hey, Chip.

So, uh, did you take that math test?

Oh, my God, it was so hard.

Right? It's like, are we in algebra or, like, the freakin' space program?

Like, "Earth to algebra, nobody likes you."

So cool, cool... chill.

Um, well, I just, like, think you're really, really pretty and, like, super cool, and I like hanging out with you and stuff.

And, like, you're super freakin' chill and, like, all that good stuff.

Chip, you don't have to be so nervous.

You can just ask.

Okay. Whew.

Well, I was just wondering if I...

I could pay you $500 to make out with me?

What?

Um, you're better than that. $1,000.

Oh!

You jerk.

(Sabrina retching)

Damn, Alba, how much ipecac did you put in that smoothie?

I'm just trying to fake morning sickness, not blow her guts out.

I'm sorry I'm not the expert drugger like you.

No, you're not. You guys are lucky to have me here.

Look what I got online, a bunch of fake pregnancy tests.

I replaced them with all the ones under Poodle's sink.

You hand a guy something like this, he just starts throwing cash at you, no questions asked.

I like to call it the $600 shuffle.

Yeah, now I just feel depressed.

What are you two doing?

Oh, us? Nothing. We're... we're just, you know, we're hanging out.

Yeah.

No, you're acting weird.

No, we are not.

We are acting as regular as can be.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yes, you are, and I know why.

You don't want to tell me that you hate my drawing.

You think I don't have control of the marker, and this whole art thing is a waste of my time.

Well, you don't have to tell me because I already know.

Whoa, what a d*ck.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know. What's wrong with you?

You look horrible.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I've been sick all day. I don't know.

I think I got to stop drinking on school nights, you know?

Or maybe you have a baby inside you.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's not possible 'cause she's using condoms, right?

Right. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, I'm just saying, maybe you want to take one of the pregnancy tests in Poodle's bathroom, you know, just to be sure.

She's got a good point. It couldn't hurt.

Well, I... I mean, I don't...

(gagging)

Oh, uh-oh.

Oh, no.

Get it out.

Oh, no, no.

Eh.

(door slams)

She's a tiny person.

Just a little drip, you know what I mean?

(groaning)

Hey, buddy, I'm glad you called.

I called Mickey.

Yeah, well, I'm here.

What's the problem?

You're the problem.

I-I did what you said. I played to my strengths, and Steffi booted my nuts into my throat.

Yeah. Well, don't worry, they'll drop back down.

I freakin' hate girls.

Hey, come on.

You're a young man. This is just beginning.

All right? And to tell you the truth, I miss the days girls were blasting me in the junk.

Are you the father?

Uh... I am today.

Well, his scans look okay.

Hopefully the pain and swelling will subside in the next few days, but if not, that could mean something more serious, maybe even infertility.

What does... what does that mean?

Well, his...

I...

I think it means you got your wish.

Congrats on your first vasectomy.

Oh...

And the more that I think about it, it's not the worst thing I can't have kids... I can always adopt.

I would not wish that on any abandoned child in the world.

Psst, Mickey. She's coming.

Yeah?

She's coming, she's coming.

Okay, okay. Shh. Keep a straight face, okay.

All right, play it cool. We're going to make her look like a real scumbag.

She is going to freak.

Yeah.

Hi, everybody.

Hey.

Uh, so, Kai and I, we have some news.

What? What is this news? I don't know what it could be.

Okay, what is the news?

I don't really know how to say this, so I'm just gonna... put it out there.

Mickey: Go for it.

I'm pregnant.

(gasps)

There we go. The first dilution of the Pemberton bloodline.

Well, this is shocking.

I had zero ideas about this.

Who would ever know this to be true? Shame, shame.

As you can see, we are shocked, okay, and you are a moron, Sabrina.

How could you do this? I told you this was going to happen.

You were right. I'm a big stupid idiot.

My whole life is ruined.

(Sabrina sobbing)

What did you do to our little girl, you son of...?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Stop it. No, no, no.

It's a... sorry. You guys, I'm sorry.

This is a big misunderstanding.

Ma'am, ma'am, with all due respect, I got this.

Babe, babe, look at me, okay. Listen to me, I love you.

And we're going to have a baby.

Yeah, well, that's the thing.

Ma'am!

How cool is that? Hmm?

I get to build him a crib and a rocking horse, and a whole friggin' house to put it all in.

I mean... you know what?

Screw it.

What the hell is happening?

Ma'am!

Sabrina Pemberton, I love you.

Mm...

Will you marry me, baby?

Yes, I will marry you.

Okay, great. Yeah, that's the thing I was going to say is that she's not pregnant.

That's good.

What?

She's not pregnant. You're not pregnant.

What do you mean?

Alba and I...

Well, we wanted to teach you a lesson, you know, so we...

So I-I hope you learned.

I can't... it's gone off the rails a bit.

I'm not really sure...

Okay. Well, thank you.

Yes, you're welcome.

Wait, for what?

Well, if you didn't do that, I never would've found out what an amazing man Kai is.

Oh, my God, do you still want to marry me?

What?

More than anything.

No.

No baby, fake baby.

Yeah, that's the same thing, though.

You hear that? It's kind of the same thing.

♪ Sabrina's getting married ♪

Wait...

Sabrina's getting married? (crying)

Okay, what the hell's going on with this one?

Huh? I'm happy and sad... and mad.

Come on, Ben, what's going on with you, buddy?

I'm just a big, fat, no-talent loser.

Even your magic pills couldn't help.

What magic pills?

The ones in your purse.

I filled it with other pills so I wouldn't get in trouble.

Are you talking about my birth control?

That's not good, because Jimmy and I have been... a lot.

Uh... I'm gonna be a dad.

No, no, no.

I'm gonna be a da...