03x12 - The God Couple

[bunniefuu]

♪ Robert Winkleman ♪
♪ Harry Winona ♪
♪ R.J. ♪
♪ Wo-oo-ood ♪

Nope. No, no, no.

♪ Wood ♪
♪ Wood from the diaphragm. ♪

Felix, I just need help with the gospel number.

Why am I singing the phonebook?

Because it's about emotion.

A great singer should be able to sing any lyrics and still move the listener to tears.

Now, let's take it from A.C. Ventner and Son's Towing, and make me feel it this time.

♪ A.C. Ventner ♪
♪ Arnie Victor ♪
♪ Lucy Volman ♪
♪ Mole Removal. ♪

(door closes)

What are you singing?

It makes me wish I had a mole to remove.

Oscar, Dani is the featured soloist in her church choir on Sunday, and I'm helping her get over her nerves with a little bit of coaching.

You'll come and hear Dani sing, won't you?

Mmm. Wouldn't miss it.

Oh, great.

It's Sunday at First Baptist Church.

Mmm. I got a thing.

Oscar!

S... I just can't do the church thing.

There's so many rules.

Be nice. Don't sin.

It's just... too much.

Oscar. This is a big moment for Dani.

I went to your laser tag birthday party.

Okay. I'll go.

And you do sound beautiful.

Thank you. I just hope I don't freeze up.

Oh, you won't.

Just remember what I told you.

Uh-huh.

Look out at the crowd and imagine that they're in their underwear.

Actually, if it's noon on a Sunday, you won't have to imagine, just look at Oscar.

I haven't been to church in, like, forever.

I don't know when to stand, or kneel or jump, or anything like that.

I don't think there's jumping.

Well, this is a black church.

Sometimes there's jumping.

Thank you. I can't stop sweating.

I know this is a place of God, but the devil made these robes.

Dani. You are going to be just fine.

Hmm?

I'm just not a lead singer type.

I'm not Diana Ross; I'm a Supreme.

I always used to dream about being in the spotlight when I was a young cellist.

Alas, all the men of my family are cursed with infantum manos.

Baby hands.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh. No. It's okay. There's not a cookie jar built that's safe from these bad boys.

But you, you have a gift.

And you're about to share it with the world.

Oh. Thank you, Felix.

Hmm.

I couldn't have done it without you.

(laughing): Oh, this isn't about me.

This is about you having your moment to shine.

Speaking of which, you're gonna want to towel off your forehead. It's, uh...

Oh. Okay.

Good morning.

Hi.

Hi.

Ah.

There's only one hymnal left. Hey, do you mind sharing?

I do not.

Hey. Is that Michael Spencer?

Oh, yeah, from the Braves.

I interviewed him once after a game.

He was in the shower.

Not great for my self-esteem.

Hey. Uh, I heard that he was offered a TV show, and he's looking for a co-host.

Oh. That would be such a sweet gig.

I'd love another sh*t at TV.

You should go and talk to him.

No. I don't want to bother him while he's in church.

I heard your nemesis Rich Eisen is circling the job.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hello.

Michael.

It's Oscar Madison.

Hey.

What's up, Oscar? It's good to see you again.

And this time I'm a lot less naked.

Yes. A lot easier to establish eye contact.

(chuckles)

I'm surprised to see you here.

I didn't know you were a church-going man.

Oh, yeah. I go to church every... every...

...time there's church.

♪ Ezekiel saw the wheel ♪
♪ Way up in the middle of the air ♪
♪ Ezekiel saw the wheel ♪
♪ Way in the middle of the air ♪
♪ Some go to church to sing and shout ♪
♪ Way up in the middle of the air ♪
♪ Before six months they've shouted out ♪
♪ Way in the middle of the air ♪
♪ I'll tell you what a hypocrite will do ♪
♪ Way up in the middle of the air ♪
♪ He'll talk about me and he'll talk about you ♪
♪ Way in the middle of the air ♪
♪ Ezekiel saw the wheel ♪
♪ Way up in the middle of the air ♪
♪ Ezekiel saw the wheel ♪
♪ Way in the middle ♪
♪ Of the air... ♪

(cheering and applause)

She's really something.

Yes, we are.

When you sang, Sister Dani, I felt the Spirit. Your voice is amazing.

Oh. Thank you, Raylene.

I couldn't have done it without the help of the Lord.

Her friend, Felix.

And also the Lord.

Brava, Dani!

I'm so proud of you.

Oh. Your help meant so much, Felix.

Oh, please. It doesn't matter who did what or who was able to inspire you to reach heights you never would have otherwise.

Ooh, Dani.

Oh.

You were amazing.

I was literally crying.

My favorite part was when you... you know, sang and stuff.

Hey.

Man, that was amazing.

That guy gave such a great speech.

(whispering): Sermon.

Fine. Sermon gave a great speech.

Hey, Oscar.

Me and a couple of my boys are getting together tomorrow night.

It's gonna be a righteous time.

You want to hang?

Playoffs. Nice.

I'd love to. How about we do it at my place?

That sounds great.

Hey, fellas. My friend Oscar said we could do Bible study at his place this week.

That's right. It's gonna be fun.

Remember: BYOB.

Bring your own Bible.

(chuckles weakly)

Dani, I hope that you're sitting down.

I hope you can see that I am.

I just talked to my friend who works at Good Evening New York with Rick Rovener, and I sent her the video of your solo at church yesterday, and she loved it.

She wants to book you and the choir for an upcoming segment on the show.

This is your cue to jump up and hug me.

Felix, I can't sing on TV.

I can only sing at church because the people there can't judge me.

You know, lest they be judged.

This could be huge for you.

Dani, think about it.

Out of all of the people in New York, God has chosen me...

...to put you in front of the masses.

It is humbling, really.

Oh.

If it's the Lord's will, I can't really say no, can I?

No.

Plus, I already said yes and I forged your name on some stuff.

And I'll, I'll go tell the choir.

Can I get that hug now?

Yes. Thank you.

Oh. I'm gonna be singing about the Lord's glory on television.

My sister's gonna be so jealous.

Suck it, Denise.

All right, Teddy, quiz me on the top ten commandments.

Well, first, they're not the top ten.

Then how did they get in the Bible?

Oscar. I never thought I'd see you reading the Good Book.

Or a book.

Very funny, Felix, but I have decided to turn the other cheek.

Oh, nice.

Let's stay in that Bible zone.

Oscar. Do you think that the Lord would approve of you pretending to be religious to get a job?

(laughing): Oh, right. Like God's perfect.

Oscar. I'm going to need you to stay a lightning bolt's distance away from me at all times.

The New Testament?

Hey, Oscar.

Here's the, uh, Reuben from Langford's that you ordered.

I didn't order anything.

And why do you look good?

No reason.

This is just something that I threw on this morning.

Oh. You're hoping to run into your church buddy, aren't you?

His name is Troy, and he said he would be here... on his Facebook page.

Okay. Y-you've got to go.

This is Bible study, not a booty call.

(laughs) Oh. Like you're so pious with your p*rn lying around.

It's the swimsuit issue.

But good catch; I'll get rid of that.

(knocking on door)

Welcome, brothers.

I mean, religious brothers.

You know, 'cause...

Welcome.

And finally, Lord, we ask that you send us into this new week with your blessing, and your guidance that we may do your good work.

Amen.

All: Amen.

Am... amen.

Well, thanks for hosting, Oscar.

Oh, hey. Mi casa es God casa.

(laughs)

Hey, Oscar, I don't know if you heard, but I'm doing a TV show.

What? Huh? Really?

Would you have any interest in being my co-host?

Hell, yeah.

Lujah.

(laughs)

You know, Oscar, just listening to your show, I would have never thought that you were so...

Religious?

Well, I was gonna say "funny".

But now I know the real you.

And I think America should get to know you, too.

Wow. I'm... thank you, Michael.

It's like some great powerful force wanted God to put you and I together.

There's that funny again.

♪ Savior ♪
♪ Savior... ♪
♪ Hear my ♪
♪ Humble cry ♪
♪ While on others ♪
♪ Thou art calling ♪
♪ Do not pass me ♪
♪ By... ♪

Okay.

Dani.

You were amazing, you lifted me up.

The rest of you... okay.

(sighs)

A couple of thoughts. Okay.

First of all, right now, you all do a lot of singing, okay. And it's powerful.

But it's also just a little bit expected.

Just a little expected, don't you think?

So here's what I think.

We'll have Dani start it off.

Okay? And then the rest of you will join in in the middle for the-the "oohs", okay?

And then we all join together for the final chorus.

(others agreeing)

Or... hear me out... we just let Dani take it home all by herself.

We're not a backup group. We sing together, right?

(others agreeing)

Okay. And here, here, that's great.

But tomorrow you're going to be singing on Good Evening New York with Rick Rovener!

(chuckles) We don't care about being on TV.

(others agreeing)

Well, that's fine. You don't have to be, because it's Dani's solo that got you the spot.

Are you gonna let this bow-tied busybody talk to us this way?!

You know, he-he did get us the booking, so maybe we should just hear him out?

Oh. You're on his side.

(others murmuring)

Well, we were singing good before you got here, and we'll sing just as good when you're gone.

(others agreeing)

So it's gonna be like that, huh, Raylene?

I don't remember any TV producers knocking on your door before I got here.

Hit the road, Jack.

What'd you say?

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪
♪ And don't you come back no more ♪
♪ No more, no more, no more ♪
♪ Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back ♪

Felix, let's go.

♪ No more ♪

Boy, they really had that cued up.

Mm.

(woman singing)

I don't think I can do another one of these Bible study things.

I mean, I got some weird looks when I mentioned Noah of the Lost Ark.

Just fake it until you sign the contract and the job is yours.

Hey, Oscar.

What's this about the job?

It's pronounced "Jobe," Teddy.

Hey, Teddy.

Hey.

Hey, Oscar, uh, you brought your agent?

Well, who needs to read the Bible more than an agent?

Am I right?

We're slime.

Tell me, Oscar, um, how many Gospels are there?

I believe it was Jesus who said, "Number not the Gospels, because mine is the only true number, and that is good."

And then I think he said, "Amen."

Oh, look, it's, um, Brother...

Teddy, don't, don't. Teddy, Ted... (mutters)

I'm really disappointed in you, Oscar.

Pretending that you're religious just to further your career.

Obviously I can't work with someone like that.

I get it. That's a new low for even me.

I'm a selfish, greedy bastard.

And I just said "bastard" in church.

Twice.

(sighs)

Come on.

You could really use Bible study.

But instead of going in with an ulterior motive, try it with an open heart.

You're right. I'm in.

I need to be open to this, not get all Lady Crawley about it.

It's a Downton Abbey thing.

Oh.

Because I'm black, I don't know Downton Abbey?

What? No, no...

(laughs) I'm just kidding with you, Oscar.

Dani: ♪ Do, re, mi, fa ♪
♪ So, la, ti... ♪

Stop. Stop.

Stop singing.

What now?

You're getting a little pitchy.

No, you're getting a little...

Oh, you said "pitchy"?

Why are you riding me so much?

Your friend said I was a star!

Ah.

"Could be a star." After I'm done molding you.

Do you think that little Moshe Lipshitz from Yonkers just turned himself into Rick Rovener overnight?

Now let's take it again.

I'm just about done taking it.

Why don't you just focus on the booking and let me focus on the singing?

If I hadn't focused on the singing, you would still be way in the back row of the choir without a solo, so...

I'm thinking about going solo right now.

You already dropped the choir, so... Oh, you're...

Oh, she's talking about me.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

You are so ungrateful!

I made you!

I'm leaving, Felix.

Fine!

Enjoy being a stripper!

What?!

It's from the movie musical Gypsy.

Her mother was her manager and then Gypsy's on the verge of becoming a star and then her ego gets the better...

Oh, Netflix it!

(huffs)

Uh-oh, you're book-dusting.

What's wrong?

Dani and I had a fight.

After everything I've done for her, she doesn't want me at our TV appearance.

Your TV appearance?

Her TV appearance.

Felix, you seem troubled.

Like a sheep who's strayed from the path, away from the flock.

Oscar, are you experiencing rare side effects and should you consult a doctor?

No, I'm just sharing something that my new friends turned me on to, "Do nothing for selfish ambition or conceit."

Wow.

Yeah.

It's from the Bible.

Fallopians.

So you're saying I put my own ego ahead of Dani's happiness.

And did you say "Fallopians"?

I did, my son.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

I was using Dani to try to grab a bit of that spotlight that has always eluded me.

In high school, I spent four years as second chair cello, living in the shadow of, first, Margaret Kim, then Will Turko, then Duane Foy, and then the other Margaret Kim.

It's totally understandable, buddy.

You were just using Dani the way I was using Michael to get a job.

But I ended up finding something so much more.

Grace.

So this is just you now?

I'm just as surprised as anyone.

I have to go talk to Dani.

Aw, my lost little lambs.

Five minutes, Ms. Duncan.

Thank you.

And you only need the one mic?

Yeah, it's, uh... it's just me.

I'm all alone.

A choir of one.

Dear God, it's me, Dani.

Duncan, New York City. I know you got 1,000 Danis.

Lord, I'm praying 'cause I need forgiveness.

I-I've committed the sin of-of pride.

And I've alienated my friends, and now I got to go out there and sing alone.

I want to blame Felix, but this is really on me, because I let it happen.

Oh, please, God, please, send the strength that I need to make it through today. And I want to...

(choir singing)

Lord, are you calling me home?

(singing continues)

(gasps)

What are you guys doing here?

I called them and explained that none of this was your fault... it was all mine.

Not surprisingly, they were very forgiving.

Of Dani.

Jury's still out on you, little man.

Okay, Ms. Duncan, you're on.

Correction, we're on.

(laughter)

Love it!

(chuckling)

(laughing)

Oh! I'm sorry, I touched somebody's boob.

(laughter)

♪ Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham ♪
♪ Oh, rock my soul ♪
♪ Oh, rock my soul ♪
♪ Oh, rock my soul. ♪

(chuckling)

That was glorious.

I got to say, Oscar, I'm impressed with how far you've come in so little time.

Yeah. I didn't even laugh when they said "bosom."

(chuckles)

Thanks for being so nice to me after I lied to you.

Eh.

It's like the Good book says, "Forgive and you will be forgiven."

"And you will be forgiven""

"Be forgotten."

I mean "forgiven." Um, I'm sorry.

I thought we were doing a different one.

I had the best time today.

And thank you for escorting me to work.

Oh. (chuckles) What a gentleman.

Well, it is our third date.

Mm.

Bye.

Oh, someone has a crush.

Yes. Troy is amazing.

He's respectful, he's spiritual, he's kind.

It's just all the stuff you don't find in a guy these days.

Oh, and, also, he's saving himself for marriage.

You mean...?

Yep.

Okay, but you can still...

Nope.

But what if you just...

Uh-uh.

So right now you must feel totally...

Oh, yeah.

(phone chimes)

(chuckles) It's Rich Eisen.

You know Rich, right?

Did I tell you I asked him to be the co-host of my TV show?

No, you didn't, Michael.

But that's great.

Yeah? 'Cause I know you two were sort of rivals.

Oh, no, that's the old me.

I'm happy for him now.

I think you two will make a great team.

You know what, I do, too. You know, 'cause we're so different.

'Cause, like, I'm the churchgoing goodie-goodie, and he's, like, the brash bad boy.

(chuckles)

I better call him back.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

(sighs)

Yeah. It is frustrating not to get what you want.

So... frustrating.

Oscar: Eh, it's okay. Clearly, it wasn't meant to be.

I mean, everything happens for a reason, right?

I'm proud of Oscar. He's really changed.

He's done a lot of growing.

Yeah.

Oscar: Damn it!

That is totally unfair!

(crashing)

Thanks a lot, God!

I devoted my entire week to you!

(crashing)

You can add a paper towel dispenser to my bill.

♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪
♪ Let it shine ♪
♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine... ♪