06x15 - Glue

[bunniefuu]

Well, this is the last of Robby's stuff.

How you doing with the breakup?

Really well, since we're related, and all the laws of nature say we should not be together.

If you guys need me today, I'll be in my room rearranging my furniture so it no longer resembles a place where I made out with my cousin.

(all groaning)

Third cousin.

Still.

Ugh, barely better.

Ew.

Don't normalize it, Jess.

Ugh.

You're right, you're right.

Ugh.

Hey, Nick.

Are you wearing your running bottoms and your hoodie?

Nick, are you going running?

Have fun.

Oh, my God. What is wrong with Nick, Reagan?

Yeah, what happened? Are you guys okay?

Nick is going for a run. (chuckles)

If anything, we should be asking what is right with Nick.

He only goes running if he's upset.

And he's wearing his sad hoodie.

And by the looks of it, it's been washed, which is bone-chilling.

He's fine. Everything's okay.

I just passed Nick on the street running, on purpose!

Oh, my God!

Maybe I was wrong.

Nick! Are you okay?!

I see you!

And I love you!

In my defense, no one here emotes in a normal way.

That's fair.

Nick!

♪ ♪

How's the boba?

It's fine.

Why are you making so much eye contact with us?

Oh, you're gonna ask us for something, aren't you?

The boba is a metaphor.

Aly is the tapioca pearl to my milky matcha, each made better by the unlikely presence of the other.

I think you know what I'm saying...

We have absolutely no idea.

I haven't known what you've been saying for three and a half years.

I'm asking Aly to marry me.

What?!

Whoa!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my gosh!

Winston. My man!

(chuckles) Yeah.

Yes. (chuckles)

And I'm gonna need your help with the process.

Now, keep this between us.I am only telling you two.

Yeah, we won't say a word. Yeah.

Whatever you need.

Meet me at the bar in one hour, okay?

Look fresh.

We'll discuss details. I'm gonna need you for the entire day.

We're with you.

Yes.

Little Winnie is growing up.

First he's a husband and then maybe one day he could be a father...

One day? (chuckles)

I am a father.

It's a cat, Winston.

He's my blood.

I am never gonna figure him out.

I feel like I found a forest baby, and I don't know when it's hungry or in pain or afraid of the kitchen light.

I know. (chuckles)

Nick is just an enigma wrapped up in a bunch of Chicago Bears crap.

You need the help of a seasoned vet.

(knocking at door)

Come in!

Hey, Nick.

Hey.

You feeling upset about something?

No. I'm just eating edamame.

Give me the cup. (spits)

They taste so bad.

That's what I thought.

I submitted The Pepperwood Chronicles to a publishing company, and I got the rejection letter today.

My career is over.

No, it's not.

Nick, someday you'll be talking to a reanimated Oprah about that book.

Have you talked to Reagan about this?

I bet she'd be awesome to talk to.

No, I am too embarrassed.

Nick, she's your girlfriend. You have to let her in.

Don't just keep her in the perfect front room.

Okay.

Let her in the back, with the weird rooms and the-the dead bulbs and the wet walls.

All right, but I'm not letting her go anywhere near my crawl space.

I don't think you should let anyone near your crawl space.

Well, some people have to go to the crawl space to clean out the boxes.

Who cleans out the boxes?

Significant other.

What are you talking about?

Hey. I have the scoop.

Nick's book got rejected, and he's really embarrassed.

So now the baton...

♪ has been passed... ♪

... to you.

You own an actual baton?

It was Robby's.

He was really into competitive male twirling.

I have so many questions...

No.

Winston: First, thank you for coming to this very special event.

Might I just add that everyone looks fresh.

Now, when Aly gets here, I am going to suggest an activity for the four of us to do.

Then I'll gracefully back out, leaving the two of you to distract her, as I prepare for... the show.

(giggling)

Ooh, I got a scream and nowhere to put it.

Ooh, this is exciting.

Now, at an undisclosed time, I will place a call to Aly, informing her that my car has broken down in Malibu, where I'll be waiting with a beautiful and glorious picnic right next to her favorite plant... the common cactus.

Here comes that scream. Oh, my God, there she is.

Oh, I'm screaming already. Aly!

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Hi.

(giggling)

(chuckles)

Strange energy, guys.

(giggling continues)

We all had bubbly water. It made us giggle.

What's up? What's up? What's up?

Hi. Hello.

What's up?

Hi. Hello.

Hello.

Anyway, uh, Schmidt and Cece asked us to help paint their house.

Paint our house?

Paint the house.

Remember? That's the activity for all of us to do.

You know, 'cause you wanted... you wanted...

Paint the house. Paint the house. Yes, we... did.

Even though the majority of our house is already painted.

We wanted our best friends to finish it.

Not professionals.

Like, uh... like our new home was some tree house in a Little League baseball movie.

I mean, I-I've never done it before, but...

Sounds like a yes to me.

Aw, snap, just remembered, I can't make it.

Uh, uh, boo.

Uh... (exhales)

Yeah.

Boy, that's a bummer.

Shock. So fast.

sh**t.

Ugh.

But, you know, boo.

What up, boy in the hood?

I thought you were gonna talk to Reagan.

I tried, but she's been on her phone all day like a grandpa who missed a package.

Like... "Hel..."

I'm not even gonna do it.

Yes. Thank you so much. We will be there. Thanks.

Nick, I know that dumb publisher rejected your book.

And, guess what, that publisher can go to hell.

After you b*at them to death with this baton that I weirdly still have.

Because you don't need a publisher.

You need a girlfriend who found a bookstore... to sell Pepperwood.

Seriously?

That's amazing. That's amazing!

I called all over and I finally found one.

Reagan saved the day!

You're amazing.

That's right.

All we need is, uh, 30 copies of the book.

Oh, well, we can make them.

I mean, it'll be hard, but we could do it.

We could do it. We'll make 'em ourselves.

Fantastic. Uh, we just need 'em by tonight for his big reading.

Excuse me, did you say "big..."

"a big reading tonight"?

Yeah.

Well, that sounds... public.

Well, I mean, he's got to do a reading to sell the book.

Is that bad?

Is that bad?

No, it's good. I get...

I get to do a reading tonight in front of people.

Yeah.

I get to read in front of a bunch of people who are gonna judge me.

This is not bad. This is good. This is... (exhales)

Jess: See, this is another thing that Nick does when he's upset.

At least he's not running.

(clattering)

So you want me to read in front of people.

You want me to read in front of living people...

(voice squeaking): who are there to hear me read.

And how will I... how will I even know what to read?

You're gonna read your book.

I'll read my book. Fine.

This is good. I'm fine.

Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

Oh, I feel like my heart is pumping out scalding hot toilet water.

See, a vivid description like that is gonna make the audience go wild.

Ah, the audience! I just forgot the audience, and now I remember the audience.

I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't do it.

All right, here it is...

The Pepperwood Chronicles.

I made a prototype.

Jess, that looks fantastic!

That looks really good.

How did you do that?

Oh, that's between me and my craft wagon.

I wrote you.

Hey, um, how's he doing?

Not very good.

Hmm.

And if I'm being honest with you, I'm starting to freak out now.

This is me freaking out.

Do I sometimes wonder if you're a robot?

Yeah.

I've made you!

You're of me.

Jess: When Nick gets like this, he needs to be occupied.

Luckily, we have tons of books to make.

It's got my name in it.

Jess (sing-songy): Book time!

Gather around, my little Guttenbergs!

Here we go.

Hey, Jess, can I borrow your cactus gloves?

Ooh!

Making books, huh?

♪ Butterfly in the sky ♪
♪ I can fly twice as high ♪
♪ Take a look ♪
♪ It's in a book. ♪

Ah, you know the rest.

Just, we put... we put 'em there.

Backing away from an active craft project.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No. Um, Reagan's a little insecure about being there for Nick.

So I want her to have this.

Oh.

Wow. I'm proud of you.

Yeah.

Thanks.

(both laugh)

This is where you give me the cactus gloves.

This is really soothing.

You're a natural.

(whispering): She's terrible.

She's ruining our bedroom.

It's like she's begrudgingly covering up graffiti.

Oh, there's a couple rough patches, but... that's what posters are for.

Just calm down, okay? We can fix it later, but we have to keep her in here for Winston.

Hey. Since we're doing this, I got to say, do not like the color of your bathroom.

You know what?

Now that I think about it, me either.

(quietly): What?!

Let's do that next.

Great.

It's special order robin's egg.

It's just paint!

It's not just paint.

Hey, guys... as much as I love a good whisper fight, I should go.

Cece: Oh, no! No, no, no.

You, uh, can not leave.

Why not?

Because we can't be alone together.

Because...?

Because... because... we're having marital problems.

That's... secret, which is part of our marital problem.

She's got a big mouth, but a great can.

Which is also part of our marital problems.

I objectify her.

Aly: See. I knew something was up.

Everyone was like, "They're so perfect!"

And I was like, "No. Something in that relationship is very, very broken."

Hey, Nick. Where's Reagan?

Getting more glue. We ran out.

How many did you get done?

One... and I think we did it wrong.

It doesn't look right to me.

Your reading's in three hours! It...

Let's make some books! I think I have some really good glue in my non-mobile craft cart.

You're gonna help me?

Yeah!

Let's do it.

(both laugh)

God, this glue works great!

Oh, it smells great, too!

It really does.

(both sniffing)

(sniffing)

Oh, I love the smell of new books!

(sniffing)

(laughing): Yeah, me, too.

Mmm! New, new books.

New, new books!

Oh! Can I tell you something?I feel great right now.

I feel very good. I feel very confident.

I am ready for that read.

I think you're gonna crush it.

I think I'll read the whole book in about two minutes.

Yeah. Just get in there. You'll...

(sputtering gibberish)

What?

What?

What?

What?

(sputtering gibberish)

And people are gonna go nuts.

(sputtering gibberish)

They're gonna be like, "Yes, yes, we love this book."

And they're gonna just buy every copy, and then you're gonna have to, like, print more.

That's what's gonna happen.

Does your hair always look like that?

Yeah.

Do you have brown hair?

Definitely.

Why didn't you tell me?

It's a secret.

(both laughing)

(cackling)

Check this out. I'm gonna birth this book.

(laughing)

(groaning)

Here you go. It's a baby book.

Oh!

(imitates baby crying)

Congratulations!

It's a paperback!

Hey, guys.

Reagan!

Reagan!

Reagan.

Reagan...!

(Reagan sighs, Jess and Nick laugh)

Sorry that took so long.

I got stuck behind this, uh, lady at the craft store that was buying 700 individually-priced buttons.

Mm.

Oh, they said to say hi to you.

Hi.

And I got you a new shirt, Nick.

Oh, isn't that nice.

Phew! What the hell is that smell, you guys?

We made a library!

Mm.

Is this the glue?

It comes from my private collection.

Mm-hmm.

It's very strong.

You guys are so high.

How dare you?

How dare you?

I'm not high at all.

You're high.

Whoa!

(clattering)

You guys, this says to use this in an open field.

It specifically says that a backyard is too small.

You're a backyard.

Very good.

(inhaling loudly)

I think I should cancel this reading.

No way!

I am in. I feel great for the reading.

Let me just buckle up my shirt.

Well, the problem with this author shirt is that it's made of honey.

It's not...

This shirt is too sticky.

It's because there's glue on your...

'Cause it's made of honey, so...

I'm canceling.

You cannot do a reading in this condition.

No! Don't cancel the reading!

You worked so hard to get it!

I got a backpack full of Pepperwoods, and I'm ready.

Nick: Oh!

Jess: Aah!

Jess, I'm coming!

Reagan, call shotgun.

(groaning)

(groaning)

Are you pulling?

I can't feel you pulling.

Let me get your legs!

Please don't drag her.

(grunting)

(whispering): Winston, where are you?

We are freaking out in increasingly weird ways.

I'm at a costume shop, getting ready for the big proposal.

A costume shop?

All in good time.

Now, listen, when I text you, I need you to bring Aly to Malibu, okay?

I don't want the two of us to drive back separately.

Plus, I want to make out at red lights.

Okay, Winston. Just how much longer?

This is very important to me.

If you mess this up, you ruin my life, okay?

No, Winston. Uh, uh...

Okay, bye!

No. No, no, no. Uh...

Ooh!

So many marital problems we have.

My baby's got a real sweet tooth.

Just the other day, she ate an entire sleeve of pecan sandies... and punched the top right off of a parking meter.

(Cece clears her throat)

It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

She yells at me constantly and... there's one time where she tipped over a table.

He gambled away another paycheck.

Oh, no!

It's the ponies. I'm addicted.

Right, right, right.

Cece: It's true.

All the money that he wins on gambling, he puts up his nose.

Oh.

It's cocaine now, as well.

Love me the ca-caine.

Ah, yeah.

Feel invisible when I do it.

This feels like some sort of weird foreplay.

I'm out of here.

Wait. No. Aly, please. Um...

Don't leave me with this rage monster.

Oh, yeah. You... I mean, you want to see a rage monster?

You want me to show her the rage monster?

Well, here you go.

No!

Just...

Gosh darn.

... tipping tables!

All right, that's...

Wait. Aly, Aly.

Uh, but I just...

Please don't leave.

She belongs in a mental hospital!

What?!

I know what's happening.

You guys are trying to distract me from some weird thing Winston's planning.

Uh, no. Aly, no.

Possibly a prank?

Might be a zotz, a goof.

If it's prank, please tell him I wore bad underwear today. Please.

Frank Sinatra strikes again.

It's a prank, it's a prank.

That's exactly what it is.

It's a prank. Great.

Oh. Winston.

Stranded in Malibu.

All right, let's get this over with.

Winston.

Hmm. Yep.

(Nick sighs)

The good news is I'm feeling sober.

The bad news is maybe I'm too sober.

Yeah. I'm sobered up, too.

Great.

Why are my eyes so good?

I can read everything from here.

What does that mean?

Oh, my God. A secret world.

Okay. I don't think she's sober at all.

(gasps)

Okay. Hi.

Thank you for supporting your local bookstore.

Quick reminder: we're dying. Please buy things.

I was feeling very confident before, but I'm losing some of it, so I think might just take one more quick pull.

No, no. No, no, no.

Just one more quick pull.

Just one more quick.

Oh, my goodness.

Is this gonna be a problem?

Get it together.

And now, please welcome Nick Miller, author of The Pepperwood Chronicles.

(whispering): No, no.

(applause)

Go ahead...

Nick.

Go ahead. They called...

What a wonderful day.

Quick reminder: we are dying.

I wrote this, every word.

All of that.

My hard work, not yours.

It's not a competition.

If everybody could stop looking at me, that'd be really great.

If you guys wouldn't mind just closing your eyes, as if you were at some sort of a show where you were asked to close your eyes.

What?

Thank you.

Do you mind looking down, sir?

(whispering): Nick.

All of these are for sale.

What's that? Yeah... coming.

Patron: Is that it?

Um...

Nick: Don't worry about me, I live here now.

All right, what are we gonna do? What's the plan?

Well, it helps if you feed him something first.

Do you have any meat? Or nuts?

Why would I have come to the bookstore with meat and nuts in my purse?

Okay. Caramels.

I don't have that.

All right. Just tell him you believe in him, and that he can do this.

Yeah. I'm not good at this.

Obviously. So... what would you say, Jess, if you were me?

I would say...

(sighs)

Nick, you're... one of the most amazing people I've ever met.

Everyone here is lucky to hear your book, because it's a part of you.

And if you fail, it doesn't change how special you are.

And no matter what happens here, I'll always love you.

Or something like that.

That made me tear up a little bit.

I'm gonna use that.

Okay.

Hi, Nick.

What are you doing?

I'm just hanging out in here. I'm just taking a break.

Just, just having a moment... yeah.

Hey. No. You are... you are amazing.

And you, you're, you're, uh, special boy.

Like, uh, um... you know, you... like, uh, you're, you are... very special, you know what I'm saying.

Uh, and let me start over.

(clears throat) Nick.

I believe in you.

Hey, this thing's awesome.

Did that guy write this?

Yeah. He sure did.

There's a sadness about him.

I know what you mean.

Jess: Oh, there's movement.

(sighs)

Sorry about that. Uh, that was some weird stuff.

"The sun baked down on Pepperwood's back as he moved over to the St. Charles streetcar. The driver handed him a brown paper sack. Without opening it, Pepperwood knew what was inside: blood-soaked beignets."

He is so dreamy.

Oh, your life's gonna be so hard.

Okay, Bishop, what is happening?

Do you really need a spare?

Oh, I got a spare.

A spare cactus.

Oh, my God.

I planted it in this spot that is perfect.

You see, the cactus is common, but the company is not.

Hello, beautiful.

It's perfect.

Come on.

We should probably just give them their privacy.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

Holy hell. He's doing it.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

He's on a knee, here we go.

It's happening.

Game time.

It's a shoelace. False alarm.

Okay, now here it is.

Here it is. It's happening.

That is a ring.

I don't think that's a ring.

Is he giving her a gummy vitamin?

(Cece gasps) Okay, this is it, this is it.

And the other shoe?

That's why I double knot his laces.

You know what? Let's stop asking questions. Who knows?

It's... their date. It's their date.

What is this?

Hey. You guys can take off now.

Of course. You want to be alone for when you pop the question.

Got it.

Wait. What?

We're so excited for the both of you.

Oh. Oh, you thought I was gonna propose today?

No. Yo, that's hilarious.

What do you mean it's not today?

No. This is just phase one... of 20.

What?

What?

Yeah.

We went through all of this for a non-proposal cactus picnic?

Damn it, Winston.

My girl deserves the grandest proposal ever, okay?

And that cannot be rushed.

That is actually sweet.

That's not sweet.

I te... Here's a phase for you: When I throw you off the cliff into the ocean.

Okay.

Hey, look, don't worry.

For the next 20 weeks, I've only got you helping out with odd-numbered phases, okay?

And there will be sub-phases, obviously.

I ain't doing no sub-phases.

Think of them as annoyingly elaborate... smaller phases.

He's really pushing his limits right now.

Thank you so much for your help. One phase down.

Boop.

Don't boop him.

Just one. I wish we sold just one.

Hey. You did great.

Jess: Nick. I'd like to introduce you to your number one fan.

Hey. I really enjoyed what you read, and hearing it and how the characters were good, and how your face looks, and I want to hold it...

All right. Keep it cool, keep it cool.

I think Mariah would like to buy a copy of the book.

You want to buy one?

Yes.

How much ya got?

A dollar.

Well, the purchase price is $12.95, so...

I'm comfortable with the dollar.

Okay, fine. A dollar's fine.

Good deal.

The signature's free with the dollar.

There you go.

Thank you.

Don't read it all in one place.

You okay, Nick?

Yeah.

Just concerned about...

The shed scene.

... the shed scene.

But I don't remember the shed scene.

You don't remember the shed scene?

I don't remember it.

It's an incredibly graphic sexual scene.

That's not good.

Disgustingly sexual.

Who cares?

My first sale.

Reagan: Congratulations.

Nick: I did it.

Jess: Yeah, Nick!

Nick: Yeah, me!