08x14 - Heavy Is the Head

[bunniefuu]

Breathe it in, girls.

My journey begins today.

Finally bringing something into this world I can be proud of.

As children, the Wright Brothers dreamed of flying machines.

Oprah dreamed of hiding presents under chairs.

And I dreamed of building something magnificent.

Well, recently, Jay and I bought a vacant lot on which we are building Dunphy Tower.

What I wouldn't give to reach back in time to tell the 15-year-old dreamer who drew this, "We did it, kid."

Hey.

Claire, you look terrible.

Thanks.

No. I mean, you're all locked up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess the spa day that I booked for you tomorrow came at the perfect time.

Oh, right, that.

I have to be very delicate with Gloria around my birthday.

Last year, for some insane reason, she got me this gift certificate for ridiculous salsa-dancing lessons.

Like I'm ever gonna use that. Come on.

Anyway, somehow, she's convinced herself I didn't "appreciate" her gifts.

You know. [Scoffs]

Some people.

So, tomorrow at work might be a little bit hectic.

Just a lot of stuff going on at the office.

And it's not that I don't want to do it, 'cause I do.

No, Claire, let's not do this dance again.

We all know how you feel about dancing.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Proud, proud day, Phil.

Thanks, partner.

Maybe we should get this show on the road.

The photographer's been taking sh*ts of Haley when she's not looking.

That's weird. I didn't hire a photographer.

Dunphy, right? Jared Cook.

Nice shovel.

Thanks. I painted it myself.

This is my partner, Jay Pritchett.

I represent Jetatech.

Are you familiar with us?

Not in the least.

Oh, you'll have to forgive Jay. He's a bit of Luddite.

Anyway, our building is two doors down, and we're looking to expand our campus.

We want this lot, and we're prepared to offer you 20% over what you paid plus expenses.

That's a nice offer, Jare, but I don't think you understand what's happening here.

It's not about the huge profits.

We're building my son-in-law's dream, and it's gonna be a giant success because this is man of vision.

Oh, I know all about dreams.

Someday, I hope to get into encrypted packet switching.

Good luck to you, gentlemen.

Jay, this man's vision just got blurry with tears.

Would you get ahold of yourself.

I just said that crap to drive the price up.

He'll be back.

I don't want him to come back.

Whether you meant it or not, this is my dream.

We're in this to make money.

And we will.

By the power vested in me by the Commercial Zoning Board, I do hereby officially break ground on the future home... of Dunphy Tower.

Oh, that's... strong soil.

That's a good omen.

I'm gonna pogo it.

[All shout indistinctly]

Anybody else bring a shovel?

♪ ♪

Oh, thank God you're here. It's a nightmare.

The staff is in an uproar about these budget cuts.

Telling them there's no more overtime was bad, but when I had to tell them there were no more bagels, someone threw a cup at my head.

I don't know what else to do.

Sales-wise we didn't exactly have the Christmas I was hoping for.

What do people give each other, anyway?

Well, just spitballing here... maybe we could fire Kenny from the warehouse.

No one's getting fired.

But he does a really hurtful impression of me.

[Sighs] Come on, guys. Everybody gather round.

I don't like these budget cuts any more than you do, but I want you to know I'm in this with you.

I've cut my expenses.

All the execs are flying coach.

But I do want you to feel like you have a voice in this.

So, not only is my office door always open to you, I've actually had it removed.

That's a very powerful metaphor, boss.

[Nasally] That's a very powerful metaphor, boss.

[Laughter]

Kenny, thanks for keeping it light.

[Laughs]

So good.

Gloria: Happy birthday!

What are you doing in here?

You said that you were too busy to get away from the office to celebrate.

So I brought the celebration to you.

Snap.

Oh.

Is that caviar?

Yes!

And something to wash it down.

Oh, yay, champagne.

[Chuckles]

Get me a door.

If I don't win the science fair with this thing you built me, it's rigged.

Amen, sister.

[Door opens]

Oh, come on, you started without me?

No, we finished without you.

Yeah, we wanted it work.

I guess you also wanted it to be really simplistic, because right there, you can make it better if you just added... Okay.

[Drill whirs]

So, right there, you can make it better if you just added... Okay, [Drill whirs] I thought you said you were done!

Okay, Mitchell, I love you.

But...?

No "but."

Yet we both know I'm the more mechanically-inclined daddy.

I'm handy.

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't do anything, either.

No, that doesn't make me feel better.

You're supposed to be learning from this.

I learned a new swear word.

Uh, um, I got a splinter.

It was worth it.

[Sighs]

Watch.

Is that it?

I'm confused 'cause I'm not mechanically inclined.

Hardy-har-har.

No, I just need to make a little adjustment.

Watch out!

Ohh! Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Are you okay?

That's not part of it.

I got here as quick as I could.

Please tell me this is good news.

[Liquid gurgling]

Please tell me that's oil.

Found a sewer line running straight through the property.

Also, a water main, and for some reason, giant pockets of methane.

Talk to me, Pete.

I feel like I just did.

How much is it gonna cost?

Money-wise, you're looking at mid-six-figures.

When you say six, does that include the two-cent figures?

No.

Plus, time-wise, you're looking at maybe a year delay with permits and utilities, environmental...

Stop talking to me, Pete.

Oh, my God, why is Jay here?

I called him, too.

He'll shut this whole project down if he sees this.

Put some plywood over the hole.

Tony, do what you can to cover the methane smell.

Everybody else, just look busy.

How could this happen? I had a ladybug land on my shoulder today.

What's the problem?

Problem is I'm hungry.

The solution... we're walking distance to Little India.

Shall we?

What's that smell?

Shh, that's... that's Pete.

He's, uh, very sensitive about it. Don't bring it up.

While I got you, I was thinking about putting in a bike rack over here.

What the hell is that?

I didn't see anything.

I'm sure if something was wrong, [Flame whooshes] someone would... Oh, they love quittin' time.

Just like "The Flintstones."

I'm starting to develop a theory that maybe all this is related to why Pete called me.

[Chuckles] Jay, I think that's just a little paranoid.

[Liquid squishes]

Well, there... there was one thing.

Sorry. This one's definitely vanilla.

I thought you said "mocha."

Oops, I accidentally made my favorite drink.

Thanks for the tip.

I've been working here for five years.

Didn't get this far by being stupid.

I'm thinking about having a little party at my place tonight.

You down, A-Dogg?

If "down" means attending and "A-Dogg" means Alex, then yes.

I thought I'd quit the coffee shop when I went back to school, but I'm kind of loving it.

Plus, it taught me something important.

If you pretend to be who people want you to be, you can have as many friends as you want.

God, I would love another cr*ck at high school.

Oh, God, here he comes.

Who?

Ugh.

This little guy in his 40s... here every Friday.

Always has a super-complicated drink order.

[Door bells jingle]

Oh, hey, Alex.

I'll have a 20-ounce iced skinny hazelnut macchiato, sugar-free syrup, double sh*t of espresso, light ice... not no ice... no whip.

Thank you for meeting with me.

I came as fast as I could.

[Hinges snap]

I lied to my boyfriend.

Everybody does it at the beginning of a relationship.

"Oh, I love jazz." "It's sexy when a man cries."

"Your daughter is so sweet."

Me... I told Rainer I love his favorite show, "Game of Thrones," so now he's taking me to Comic-Con.

I don't love "Game of Thrones."

I've never even seen "Game of Thrones."

And for the record, his daughter is kind of a monster.

This is a lot to cover in four hours.

Let's start with everything you know about George R.R. Martin's masterwork.

Well, I know this guy dies, there's lots of boobs, and I want to say... a spaceship?

This will go a lot faster if you don't talk.

So, he's kind of related to me, but it's a long story.

Hey, it's okay. We all come from messed-up families.

My uncle's my dad.

Shift schedule is up.

What the literal hell?!

[Sighs]

Double shift today and 6:00 A.M. tomorrow?

That's not fair.

Management don't care.

Party tonight is off.

Nothing is off. A-Dogg is on it.

"A-Dogg"?

Let me have this.

So, you put a little bit of the cream on top.

Uh-huh.

And then...

Got it. Mmm.

Terrific birthday surprise. Sorry it's over.

It's just starting.

I have a lot of surprises coming.

Joshua: [Sing-song voice] Knockedy-knock-knock.

Okay, what do I do?

What did you do?

It's a massage!

Let them in, young man.

It's Ben. We've met 30 times.

Oh, Gloria.

Friend.

Listen, while I appreciate the idea of a massage...

You hate it.

Well...

You always hate my gifts. I don't even know why I try.

No, no, please, uh, let me finish.

I've always appreciated the thought of a massage in my office, and now it's actually happening.

Ah! [Laughs]

Thank you.

Which one of you lovelies is Claire?

She is!

Oh, great.

Just give me the quick version, okay?

90 minutes. You got it, hon.

Okay.

My department is asking if there's still gonna be coffee or if they have to start bringing it.

Who... who's this?

Uh, he's interviewing for a job in the warehouse.

He's a, um, forklift operator.

That's right. It's 2017.

There are plenty of gay forklift drivers.

I'm not gay.

It's cool, bro. I'm woke.

It's cool, bro. I'm woke.

[Laughs]

That's funny!

You sound just like that guy over there.

That guy?

Okay, it's back-to-work time.

We got to take a look at these.

Yeah.

See ya later. We'll catch up.

Okay, this is crazy.

I don't need an MRI.

The doctor ordered when you told her you could taste colors in a French accent.

Oh... all right.

Well, I don't even do a French accent.

I didn't say it was a good one.

Guys, we usually try to move the head injuries along.

Yes.

Okay. Well, it's... it's just so small.

It's bigger than it looks.

See, there's nothing wrong with my brain, 'cause I have three funny comebacks to that.

Cam, come on, let's listen to, uh, Bobby.

He knows what he's talking about.

I don't think we can really trust anything a grown man named Bobby says.

Come on, honey, you got this.

Okay. Uh, Robert, hi.

Can I have... question. So, listen.

I know this is a giant magnet, and I have a lot of fillings.

Are they just gonna fly out of my head?

That never happens.

Okay.

Um, I'm also on an iron supplement.

Is that...

An issue? No.

Let's just get you on that table, huh?

[Chuckles]

Come on.

Hm.

[Exhales]

No, okay, not happening.

I'm having flashbacks.

I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.

Together: It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.

It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Okay, Cam, come on. You have got to calm down, all right?

It'll be over before you know it.

In an hour.

I'm... I can't!

I'm done, I'm out!

Okay, wait, wait, Cam, Cam.

Okay, Bobby, is it okay if I get in there to show Cam that it's all right?

Do we have time for that?

Sure, my 4:00 hemorrhaged.

Can you not... okay.

All right, look at this, Cam.

Just be careful.

It's comfortable.

We've got you.

Okay, I'm good.

Okay.

Ah.

Actually, Cam, this is very peaceful.

It was a t*rture chamber.

I was in there one minute, and I cried.

I feel so rested.

I do, I do, I really do.

Now you. It's all good.

There you go. All right.

And I will be right here beside you.

Uh, no one's allowed in here except the patient.

I will be in the next room right beside you.

Okay, so put your headphones on.

They're gonna play you something to get your mind off of it.

Yeah.

This is a panic button.

Oh.

Just push it if you need to get out.

Oh, okay.

Well, I think I can do this.

[Sighs]

[MRI beeping]

"This American Life," I'm Ira Glass.

Today's program... "Puppy Love."

We'll hear the story of a man who met his soul mate through a lost schnauzer, a beagle from Coos Bay, Oregon, who, for one week, was mayor.

And we start with Act 1, a search-and-rescue collie looking for his owner, who was buried alive for 18 days.

Woman: After drinking his own urine for a week, Horace Laughton could no longer ignore the terrible truth... he was running out of oxygen.

H-help. Help!

Help! Get me out of here!

Hey! I will k*ll you!

Ohh! (groans)

Cam, come on, this is serious.

[Panting]

Oh, my God. I can't breathe.

I need air. I need air!

[Scoffs] I'm sorry. He is being such a baby, huh?

There's a camera in there. I watched you cry.

And finally, employees should have a say in the shift schedule.

It would allow us to plan our lives accordingly and would result in fewer missed days.

In summation, no caffeination without representation.

So, am I fired?

Are you kidding me?

Those are 20-ounce ideas in a 16-ounce cup.

[Scoffs]

I have overlooked a rising star... right under my nose.

But that's the...

Yes, the assistant manager's apron.

I didn't come in here for that.

That's exactly why you're getting it.

But I... I can't.

Shh.

Oh, my God, this is so confusing.

So, the little guy from "Elf"...

Tyrion Lannister.

Whatever. I don't know actors' names.

Is he Jaime's brother or Cersei's brother?

Both... Jaime and Cersei are brother and sister.

But they were just doing it in the tower.

That is so twisted.

[Gasps] Go on.

Guys, the craziest thing just happened.

I went in there with a list of demands.

And weaseled your way to a promotion.

No, trust me... n-nothing is going to change.

But while I'm staring at it, would one of you guys mind taking out this trash at some point?

Heil, assistant manager.

No, no, no, no, no! This is good for all of us.

Now we have someone on the inside... me.

A-Dogg.

More like Adolf.

I-I-I think you're really minimizing that atrocity.

[Vehicle approaches]

Now, let me do the talking.

Good. I don't feel like talking.

It's just you nurture a dream for 30 years, only to see it go up in flames like Pete's eyebrow.

I feel like a part of...

This is you not talking?

There he is. Go.

[Sighs]

Oh, it's you.

Now, before you say anything, we're still not interested.

Okay.

But if we were interested, it would take a hell of a lot more than what you offered.

What about all the sewage?

You get used to it.

Gentlemen, when I made that offer, we didn't know about any of the problems.

I'm afraid we're no longer interested.

Jared, I like you.

We're willing to go 5%.

Like I said, the offer's off the table.

You guys need a ride?

I have a car. Thank you.

Hope it's not that one over there.

Yo! My dog is in that car!

Hey!

And as Hodor blocked the door to save his friend Bran Stark, Bran had a vision of a younger Hodor saying, "Hold the door, hold the door. Hold door."

And finally, "Hodor," the only word he would say for the rest of his life, a life that was now ending.

[Voice breaking] He knew.

Hodor knew his whole life that his destiny was to save his little friend.

Just like you have saved from embarrassment at Comic-Con, so thank you, Manny.

My pleasure.

I should get going.

Oh, my God, me too. I have to change into my Khaleesi costume.

I could probably stick around for a few more minutes.

Maybe I'll move the party to Monday.

Oh! I'm free Monday.

[Inhales] Let's talk later.

No, please. I never meant to betray you.

Your friendship means more to me than this stupid apron.

Stupid?

Oh, Scott.

There's a whole world of people that would k*ll to wear this apron, but this just isn't my path.

This extra responsibility has me feeling alienated.

It's lonely one step down from the top.

You may not believe this, but it's even lonelier way up here.

Somewhere on my climb, I forgot my own dream... to be the best damn speed-metal drummer in the Inland Empire.

There's still time, Scott.

You're right.

I quit.

What?

You are the manager now.

Hey, you two, party at my house. Come on!

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, FYI, one of the toilets is overflowing.

Seriously, the roof?

I've been looking for you everywhere.

I just needed some space and some fresh air.

[Inhales] It smells so purple.

Okay, you're going in that tube. Come on.

[Grav crunching]

Seriously, that's as hard as you can pull?

I am not the weak one here.

You're the one who won't even get a simple medical test.

What are you... scared? Huh? You're chicken?

Yeah, and I thought I made that clear in there when I peed a little.

Fine, you just go ahead and die.

And I'll raise Lily by myself, and she will never step foot in another farm or circus.

I will haunt you.

Or you could just get your head checked so we don't lose you over some stupid fear.

Do you know what I went through in that well on October 14, 1987, while the whole world was focused on that media whore Jessica?

She was a baby, but yeah.

It was hell.

And I would not have survived if those firemen wouldn't have figured out a way to lower my little Aunt Edna into that we and touch my feet and tell me it was gonna be okay and that I wasn't alone.

Cam, if there's a way that I could be in there with you, I would, but I...

Wait a minute.

Hey, you're doing great.

Okay, I'm right there with you.

You're not alone.

[Gloves squeaking]

Thank you.

You're a good husband.

Oh, that's very sweet.

[Intercom beeps]

Oh, and, Cam.

If the scan shows that you're fine, you can suck it, because this mechanically-challenged daddy made this foot-rubbing machine all by himself.

I did. I did this.

It's good, right?

I see you unclenching.

I'm just concerned that other people are gonna see me.

[Indistinct shouting]

Keep still, please.

Ben: I told you, she's in a meeting right now.

Let... let go of my tie.

You're not getting any looser.

Oh, I wonder why.

Come on, get back to work.

It's a little hard to focus with the smell of truffles just wafting out of your girlfriend's office.

My girlfriend is your boss, okay?

And she's not my girlfriend.

I won't deny we have chemistry, a certain will-they, won't-they kind of vibe.

Okay, guys, hi.

If you could just give me 20 minutes to deal with a personal situation, I promise I will come out and address all of your concerns.

What is going on in there?

Yeah.

Well, um, it's a medical situation.

Actually, and it's kind of embarrassing, so I appreciate your support in this difficult time.

[Boxes rustling]

We got to wrap this up. How long do you need?

At least 15 minutes.

You got five.

Ma'am, this job is hard enough.

[Moans]

Uh, hey, so, small problem.

Gloria: It can wait!

Every problem can wait.

So now go, mister.

Come on, I've been in your home.

All right, Ben. What is it?

Today's Margaret's birthday...

Uh-huh.

... but it was too late to cancel the cake.

Everyone saw it get delivered.

It's fine. Let them eat cake.

What?

Is she kidding?

Claire: That's not what I meant!

Claire, breathe.

No, no!

Gloria, we're done.

Don't scream at me. I just wanted to make you happy.

And I'm just trying to make you happy because you're so damn sensitive about me not liking your birthday presents.

Come on, this is the last thing I needed today.

[Boxes rustling]

Oh, my God. Look at her hands.

She's just been in here getting a manicure.

How do you sleep?

Get her!

Whoa, whoa, back it up, Josie.

Nobody's gonna get her.

I realize that the optics are a bit troubling, especially today.

A day when you've been sipping champagne while we've gone over an hour without snacks.

Enough!

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

How long have I known you people?

Dom, Kenny, Josie, the two Herms.

Seriously?

You all go home at 5:00. This woman never punches out.

She goes home and never sleeps because she's thinking how to make this company better.

Can't you tell what a mess she has become?

How tense she is, her awkward tics, the way she grinds her teeth to dust.

I think that she deserves some pampering.

So now get out of here!

Let's go. Come on.

Gloria.

I am sorry.

I just wanted to make it right this year.

Oh, you did. You really did.

Okay, good. So go back and sit down because hugging you is like hugging a coat rack.

Bah. Okay.

Oh, that's good.

I'm sorry.

I dreamt too big.

It's not your fault.

I'm the one who believed in you.

You're also the one who overplayed his hand.

We've already established mistakes were made.

We need to be thinking about next steps.

Maybe we need to build something smaller, like a cool restaurant or something.

I've thought about that. Who's gonna come down here?

There's nowhere to park.

Oh, my God, that's it... a parking lot.

That's not bad.

We could build it for nothing and pay off the majority of the loan by tomorrow.

[flame whooshes]

Let's talk about this somewhere else.

Maybe 15-year-old Phil had it right.

Sometimes you have to look at your dream from a different angle.

I guess it was a parking lot all along.

[Timer dings]

Please tell me that's dinner. I'm starving.

No, that's Daddy's alarm.

We can't let him nap for more than two hours because of the concussion.

Oh, look at him. He looks so peaceful.

He's had such a rough day.

When I tried to wake him up last time, he got so upset.

I'll do it.

Who raised you?

Fine, just be gentle, okay?

Thanks.

Also, don't touch this.

It's my art project.

Oh, can I help you with that?

No.

Daddy said he should because he's more artistic than you.

Okay.

[Pan banging]

What?! What?! Why?!

Oh, good, you're alive.