09x03 - Catch of the Day

[bunniefuu]

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Good morning, sunshine. How was your night in the yard?

Perfect. I like sleeping outside.

Mm-hmm.

Haley lost her keys again.

She's been going through this irresponsible phase.

Yeah, for years. I'm not gonna let her get to .

(CHUCKLING) Just to be clear, Claire's not going to k*ll her.

HALEY: Let me in! Please!

- No.

- Please?

This is just like when we Ferberized her as a baby.

Let her cry it out. She'll settle down.

Why?!

What if I just throw a blanket out there?

Something that smells like us.

You can't leave me out here!

It's : in the morning!

I have to change for a party.

Good night, honey.

- Morning, Phil.

- No!

It's not a...

It's not a good morning.

It's gonna be an even worse day.

Every morning, before I shower, I kick off my underwear.

If I catch it, it's gonna be a great day.

If I don't...

No!

disaster.

I know that sounds crazy, but it's an old family ritual my grandfather did until the day he d*ed... a day... you guessed it... that he dropped his underwear.

I don't know what happened. It was a strong kick, ankle flick was on point.

It is just a ridiculous superstition.

Ridiculous? Let's review.

They day I Rollerbladed into bees...

- I dropped my underwear.

- Mm.

The night I Rollerbladed into that campfire...

How about you stop Rollerblading?

How about I stop breathing?

When I miss my catch, the best thing I can do is just wait it out in a safe place.

Unh-unh. Not today. No, no, no.

We have a ton of errands to get done before we go see Steely Dan this afternoon.

- What time is that?

- : p.m.

- Why is it so...

- They are not young men, Phil.

Great. My phone is broken, and it's your fault.

How do you figure that?

Because I had to throw it at some squirrels last night to keep them from attacking me.

You guys have to buy me a new one.

Costing me money. It's already happening.

No, it's not costing you money because we are not buying her a new phone.

What?!

But I need it for work.

I sit on a stupid golf course all day.

What else am I supposed to look at?

You can have a new phone when you can afford a new phone.

Phil, would you cut and toast those bagels?

With the Kn*fe?

Sweetie, here are the spare keys.

I would like you to make yourself a copy.

I can't wait to find out how you lose those.

No wonder the neighbors think you're so mean.

You hear everything when you sleep outside.

Gloria!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

I was just out in the garage. Is there anything you want to tell me?

Uh, yes.

I got rid of your exercise machine.

It was a piece of junk.

You owe me and Chuck Norris an apology.

But I'm talking about the dent in your car.

Did you hit something we can talk about, or should I hose the front and find a body shop that doesn't ask questions?

- I didn't hit anything.

Someone must have hit me when I was inside the store with Joe.

But talking about accidents, if your dog pees one more time in one of my slippers, I may accidentally leave her at the beach.

I would never let that happen.

And don't lash out at her.

If you crashed the car, just tell me.

I didn't.

And I don't appreciate being called a liar.

Are you kidding? You can never admit to making a mistake and it drives me crazy.

Remember that romantic trip we took to Rome, Indiana?

That's where I wanted to go.

I meant to buy those tickets.

Then why did you learn Italian?

Mamma mia, Jay.

If I had been in an accident, I will admit it.

Now, I have to go and buy more slippers online.

Try not to crash the computer.

MITCHELL: Hey, Cam.

So, the towel girl at the gym said that I look like an old Prince Harry.

- Shh! Shh!

- Oh, come on.

Are you eavesdropping on Pam again?

Yes. I'm trying to, but you keep talking.

She's on the phone.

PAM: Oh, baby, I miss you, too.

If you were here, you can't believe...

No. No. Okay, that's just gross.

- That's your sister.

- Shh.

things I'd do to you.

I know you only got minutes...

minutes? He's on a time limit?

PAM: let me get to the dirty parts...

She's talking to Bo in jail.

Bo is Pam's baby daddy... currently incarcerated back in Grasshopper, Missouri, for punching a police horse.

And now, I'm worried she's just gonna throw her future away by getting back together with him.

It's crazy how weak she is with him when she's so strong in other ways.

I mean, she is the three-time winner of the country-fair mule drag.

Step away from the pipe, Cam.

- Come on. You're better than that.

- No, I'm not, and neither are you.

You eavesdropped on that couple behind us at "Bridget Jones's Baby."

Oh, no, that wasn't eavesdropping.

We were in public.

And do you think I really wanted to hear that moron's recap of the first movie?

Half those details were from "Love Actually."

Do you think I'm happy about this situation?

I wish I couldn't even hear her at all!

Hey, Boss, are you done listening to your sister?

The boys are asking if they can use the table saw again.

Okay, well, he's joking.

Before Francisco was a contractor, he did stand-up comedy in Guatemala.

Not just in Guatemala.

Actually, I'm doing minutes this Friday night at the...

Oh, we have dinner reservations.

- Oh, gay holiday. Yeah, um...

- Yeah.

So, look, but I do want to talk about the sink before you leave.

Sorry, Mitch. That ship has sailed.

Oh, also, did you bring the new tiles for the backsplash?

Yes, they're in my truck.

I'll be right back, Boss.

Great. Okay. Yeah. Go get those.

Hey, um, I-I don't want to make a big deal about this, but do you notice how he calls you "Boss" and me "Mitch"?

- No, but I did notice...

- Yeah.

how one of his little pouches on his tool belt is filled with jelly beans.

How cute is that?

The point is, he treats you like the actual boss and me like I'm some, you know, ditzy trophy wife.

First of all, I thought we agreed we had the rare dual-trophy-wife situation.

- Yeah.

- And aside from that, maybe it's because I'm a little more, you know, assertive.

Do you think so? Because I actually have thought that.

I mean, maybe I'm too passive, which could be why my career has stalled...

No.

or I agreed to have sex with all three women who asked me.

- Okay.

- Oh, it was so gentle...

- Mm-hmm.

- and gross.

You know what? Well, now's your chance.

You can show Francisco that you're the big dog.

It's all about body language, okay?

- Show him you can lead the pack.

- Here you go, Boss.

Let me know which one you like best, all right?

Well, when we decide, we will let you know.

But first, I wanted to talk about the, uh... the dishwasher.

Uh, I wanted it over here on the left, but now, for some reason, it's on the right.

I would like it on the left like I asked.

Asserted?

- Um...

- No, no, no, no.

Eyes... Eyes over here, okay?

This... This is my thing.

Well, let me show you something.

- Yeah.

- All right, look under the sink.

Will do.

Go down. All the way.

Okay, now, get in there.

Look up. Do you see that post on your left?

Wait. Ho... Okay.

I can't move that, which is why the dishwasher needs to stay where it is.

- Anything else?

- No, I'm good.

Got some sawdust on your shirt.

(LAUGHING) It tickles.

(WHISPERS) Hey, kid. Wake up.

We need to talk.

What?

Your mom's car got a big dent in it.

Now, I know you were with her.

Did you see how that happened?

Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store.

That's what your mom said, but if it was something else, like, I don't know, she got into a little fender bender, you could tell me.

Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store.

I know she got to you, but, uh...

- I need you to tell me the truth.

- Is that ice cream for me?

Could be.

What happened to your mom's car?

- Mmmmm...

- I can wait all day, but the trouble with ice cream is, it melts.

I like it when it melts.

What do you mean you like it when it melts?

Nobody likes ice cream when it melts.

- It's like soup.

- You hate soup.

Not chocolate soup.

Look, we're getting off track here.

Tell me what happened to your mom's car, and you can have your ice cream.

Hello, Jay.

- Gloria, I...

- Look at you, trying to bribe a five-year-old.

You should be ashamed.

Let's go, Joe. Now that you're awake, Mommy's gonna fix you a healthy snack.

Check her phone.

- Huh?

- Check her phone.

And leave the ice cream.

It'll be nice and warm when I get back.

Oh, Phil, could you change the lightbulb down in the kitchen?

First you ask me to help clean the window screens.

Now you want me to do something with a ladder and electricity?

Have you forgotten about my underwear, Claire?

Look, I have friends whose husbands are mean or drink too much or don't come home at all.

And in that moment, I envied those friends.

Fine. I will change the lightbulb in the kitchen.

You can put away this nice, soft, fluffy laundry.

- All right.

- Don't worry.

There's not even any zippers or buttons.

Nothing sharp in there.

Wouldn't want you to lose a finger in a tragic folding incident.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, hey.

I was putting away that harmless laundry when I stepped on Luke's skateboard, rolled out the screenless window, and landed in the hedge.

But you're right.

I'm sure it had nothing to do with the underwear.

It's self-fulfilling.

Phil believes something bad is gonna happen, so he makes it happen.

Ow! Paper cut.

Of course, today.

Seriously?

Is this part of the underwear prophecy?

Aren't you being a little dramatic?

Phil?

Little bit harder to connect the dots on that one.

But coincidences do happen.

Honey, it's fine.

We'll just finish our errands on a day when you catch your underwear.

Oh, do you have the tickets?

They're in the car, but I don't think I should drive.

Fine, but you are driving home, because today, I'm reelin' in the wine.

Oh, you've got the keys.

Can you toss them to me?

Yeah, here. No!

- (CHITTERS)

- (SCREAMS)

No! Those are our keys! Stop!

Man plans to go to Steely Dan.

God laughs.

Damn it. Haley has our other set of keys.

Yes, Claire, I do think it bit me a little!

Gloria, I'm sorry.

You're my wife.

I love you, and I trust you.

You can't reason with a sociopath.

You lure them with kindness.

You lull them into thinking you're on the same side, and then nail them with incontrovertible evidence, which I had.

I also found out I'm still listed in her phone as "Jay, Red Tracksuit."

If you say you weren't in an accident, I believe you.

- Thank you, baby.

- There is just... one more thing.

Is that my phone?

Yeah. You've got a lot of interesting pictures here, but especially this one.

It looks like the front end of your car is rammed into the back end of this car.

Now, I'm not an insurance adjuster, but I would say that that's pretty solid proof you were in an accident.

That's not my car.

But why would you take a picture of some random accident?

To remind me of how precious life is.

That's your license plate.

Do you even know who makes license plates, Jay?

Prisoners!

Are you gonna take the word of a convicted felon over your wife's?

- Makes no sense.

- Exactly.

What is your problem?!

Don't you see what this is doing to me?!

I need to know that you can admit when you made a mistake.

I know there's good in you, Gloria!

Here you go.

I... I am so sorry. (CHUCKLES)

Cherish this.

It was the longest I've been without a phone since phones.

It was hard at first... the twitching thumbs, the phantom vibrations, salads left un-Instagrammed.

But then the strangest thing happened.

Have you ever stopped to smell these things?

- (LAUGHS)

- It's been years since I LOL'd IRL.

I even found an old book in the truck and started reading it.

The only problem was, people kept interrupting.

I didn't need a phone anymore.

I just needed a quiet place to find out how they k*ll that mockingbird.

Hey, excuse me.

Excuse me!

S-Sorry to bother you while you sand, Francisco, um...

Oh, that's cute.

I just want to revisit the paint color we chose for the cabinets.

Do you still have the old sample?

- Uh, maybe. I'll go look.

- Okay.

Did you discuss this with, uh... with the boss?

- I don't have to discuss it with...

- Daddy, where's Daddy?

Oh. Yeah, what do you need?

- My suitcase.

- Why?

I'm going to Disneyland with Tricia's family.

CAM: Sweetie, I already packed your suitcase.

Ugh, there's gonna be too many shoes.

When did we decide that Lily could go to Disneyland?

I thought we were gonna talk about this.

She's missing one day of school.

I missed half of the fifth grade because of a pig bite, and I'm just as educated as anyone else.

Really? When we met, you thought you grew up in Central America.

Missouri is in the center of America.

Okay. You also thought that the cavemen k*lled the dinosaurs.

- Were you there?

- Okay, t-the point is, we should be making these decisions together.

Is this the one you wanted?

- Yes.

- What's that doing back in here?

I just wanted to revisit the original paint color.

Oh, okay.

- Asserting.

- Good.

Asserting.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Okay. That was good.

- Can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, what's up with the whispering and the laughing?

- He just made a joke.

- At my expense?

No, it was about his wife's cooking, which can't be as stale as his material.

What's this about?

You undermined me with Lily, and now I'm worried that you're doing the same thing with Francisco.

- Mitchell, we are on the same team here.

- (SIGHS)

We both want a beautiful kitchen, and we both want it done as soon as possible.

- Yes.

- (PAM SIGHS)

- Stop working!

- Drills down! Drills down!

- I want you so bad.

If only I could reach out and touch you.

(GIGGLES)

Enough with the eavesdropping.

- Come on.

- Yeah. You know what?

If that little train wreck's getting back together with Bo, I need to deal with this directly.

No, you have to stay here... Ugh.

Pameron Jessica Tucker, listen to me.

You need to stop those dirty jailbird phone calls right this second with Bo, or I am...

- Oh, my God!

You've been listening in on my private conversation?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Talking like a girl from Cricketsville... you were raised better than that.

You stay the hell out of my business.

And stop looking down your nose at Cricketsville.

They got a Target now with a Banksy on the side of it.

Yeah, right. I'm sure Banksy drove to Cricketsville and painted on the s...

Oh, you mean the ATM.

Well, what the hell else would I be talking about?

Hi, my name is Cameron Tucker, and I would like to speak to one of your inmates.

His name is Bo Johnson.

Sally Mae Jenkins?

Oh, of course I remember you!

Oh, wait, but... I'm not surprised you're answering phones at a prison.

You always had the prettiest voice in Central America.

You called Bo, you ginormous mountain of stupid?!

Yeah, that's right, I did.

And I told him you were getting your life together here with your baby and he needed to back off.

He didn't even know I had his baby.

- What?

- Now he knows where I am.

He's gonna come looking for me when he gets out!

You ruined everything, you giant, horse-faced dummy.

I'm not sure why every insult needs a size component.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I had no idea that wasn't Bo on the phone.

Who else would you be so... intimate with?

Anybody who can pay three bucks a minute for nasty talk.

Okay, you're a phone-sex operator?

My real-person modeling gigs haven't been paying the bills.

And I needed a job where I could stay at home with the baby.

I didn't even know that still existed.

Like, I thought it was all apps and the Internet now.

Not everyone leads your coastal-elite lifestyle, Cam.

There's a whole country full of decent, hardworking Americans who still want to torque their doolies on the phone, you gargantuan snob!

Just could've said "snob."

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh, get over yourself.

I'm drawing the tree.

- Jay?

- I tried to call you.

Where's your phone?

It's in my room.

I'm in a creative space right now.

She's cute.

I'm going through a little something with your mom.

I need your take on it.

Hm. I'm excited to see what boundaries we cross here.

She had a little fender bender.

I've got her dead to rights...

- And she won't admit it.

- Yes.

She never admits when she's wrong.

Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the crazy one.

Yeah, she'll do that to you.

I got IBS when she refused to admit that she threw out my collection of Playbills.

I'm gonna pretend you said "the flu" and Playboys and move on.

Eh...

I guess I... miss you being around to share that eye roll when she gets kooky.

I always thought you were rolling your eyes at me.

Well, that, too.

At least she's worth it, right?

Definitely.

So, did she ever cop to the Playbills?

You know what?

Yeah, eventually, but only because she did something worse.

- Wow.

- It's actually a good thing.

As long as she's denying the accident, you know that's the worst thing she's done.

Thanks, kiddo.

Hey, while you're here, I wouldn't mind picking your brain about a little problem I'm having...

well, one of my characters.

He finds himself at a crossroads...

Let's keep this special.

(DOOR OPENS)

Gloria, I've been thinking.

That whole accident thing?

I'm dropping it.

You say it didn't happen, it didn't happen.

It happened.

What, are you admitting it?

Yes. The accident... it was my fault.

Please forgive me, mi amor.

Uh-oh.

Where's Stella?

- And, Francisco...

- Yeah, Boss?

I guess we should take another look at this cabinet color Mitchell revived from the dead.

To be fair, let's look at it in the kitchen light.

So, imagine I'm entertaining.

I'm cooking. I'm throwing out delightful quips to my guests.

Be honest... does it wash me out?

(WHISPERS) It washes me out.

These are the kind of conversations I snuck under the fence for?

- Hm?

- Is that funny?

- Oh.

- It's in my act.

- It's...

- I also do this bit, though, where I go to a lumberyard and I meet this hot girl and...

Okay. I'm gonna stop you right there.

If the punch line has anything to do with wood, you're better than that.

Yes, I chose to be entombed in a wall rather than admit to Cam that I was eavesdropping.

And, yes, I realize couple's counseling should be back on the table.

This color Mitchell wants...

You don't seem to like it.

I don't love it. But he does, and let's just go with it, 'cause it... I want to make him happy.

Wow. My wife wouldn't even ask me.

You're very nice. He's lucky to have you.

I'm the lucky one, trust me.

You know, we start every morning off in this kitchen, and I...

I want us both to walk in here and see something we each love.

I do! I-I do see something I love!

It's you.

- Mitchell!

- Oh.

What in the he...

You were eavesdropping.

I'm sorry. I-I stand by what I said.

Eavesdropping is wrong.

I-I should have just asked, uh, Francisco myself.

W-Why is it you call him "Boss" and me "Mitch"?

Oh, uh, uh...

It's okay. You can tell me.

I-I can take it.

Well, uh, I can't remember his name.

- What?

- Really?

You know, I keep wanting to say "Krang," but I know that's not right.

Unless it is?

- It's Cam.

- It's Cam.

Okay. We have spent every day together, Francisco.

I'm a little offended.

Oh. Well, if it makes you feel any better, my name's actually Fernando.

- Oh.

- It does help.

Ah! There she is.

BOTH: Haley!

Haley!

- Haley!

- Oh, my God!

What is going on?!

Damn it! We need those keys!

Got to get to the concert before the roadies pick all the hot chicks that get to party backstage.

I'm confused.

- Even back in the day, they weren't exactly...

- Haley!

You know what? I'll go get them.

No. No. You can't.

Um, not today.

You believe in the curse, don't you?

I don't understand it.

Bad things have been happening to you all day.

Maybe...

Maybe it's the underwear.

I just... I can't take a chance.

- You stay here.

- No, no, no, no, no.

You getting hurt is the worst possible thing that could happen to me.

- (SIGHS)

Tell the kids I love them.

Oh, honey.

Are you, uh... Are you not wearing a bra?

- Eh.

- Oh.

All right, be safe.

Oh, my God.

That's Dunphy.

bucks to the first guy who hits him, huh?

Go.

Haley!

Oh, Dad?

(BREATHLESS) Okay, listen.

I lost my car keys. I need the spare set.

I know that makes me a hypocrite.

But you have every right to be angry with me.

How could I be angry when there's so much to be grateful for?

Is that a... a book?

I never would have picked it up if you had bought me a new phone.

You've gotten a little gray. I like it.

Honey... the keys?

Sorry. I was distracted by those bumblebees.

Shh, listen... they're talking to each other.

Hm.

Huh.

- Ow!

- Yeah!

(LAUGHS)

Is that freakin' Gil?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Well, that could happen any day.

He's still moving! Machine-g*n him!

Just hit as fast as you can!

Dear God! He's got me dialed in!

HALEY: Oh, morning, guys. You missed a beautiful sunrise.

You know, living without a phone these past few days has been such a gift.

Colors are brighter. Tastes are tastier.

Have you ever eaten a peach?

I mean, really eaten a peach?

Well, most of this is in my short story.

The best part, though, has been really getting to know you two.

Dad, you are so funny.

And you have such kind eyes.

And, Mom... president of a closet company?

Way to go!

I guess that's why it makes it so hard to say goodbye.

Came in this morning.

Luke set it up for me.

- He really sh*t up, huh?

- (CELLPHONE DINGING, CHIMING)

Anyway, in the weeks to come, try and remember that, uh...

- (CELLPHONE DINGING, CHIMING)

Wh... That skank... No way!