09x10 - No Small Feet

[bunniefuu]

[PHONE CLICKS]

Explain yourself.

I'm taking photos of your feet for perverts.

- Ew!

- Hear me out.

Remember when you couldn't return those sneakers you bought and asked me to sell them online?

- Right after I listed them

- [LAPTOP BEEPS] I got a message asking if they'd been worn and sweat in.

Before I could lie and say no

- [LAPTOP BEEPS]

- I got another message.

"Can I see your feet?"

Apparently, there are a ton of these feet freaks on the Internet.

Oh, my God, did you write this?

"My little piggies got so sweaty."

- Sexy, right?

- No.

No, it's gross!

That pair of sneakers went for over $200.

I have more in my closet.

That was three weeks ago, and we have made a ton of money since.

All I have to do is wear a different shoe every day.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Hitting all of the right notes Ship it.

- [AWARD-CEREMONY MUSIC PLAYING]

- MAN: Les finalistes pour L'Expo Internationale du Closet sont Kabinett Konig, Berlin.

- Pritchett's Closets

- Hah! Yes!

- Aah!

- Yes, yes, yes! Yes!

LUKE: You guys are so gross! For the first time in company history, we are going to the Expo Internationale du Closet!

[CHUCKLES] MAN: Berlin.

Pritchett's Closets.

Son of a bitch, we did it! We did it!

Manny, I appreciate you coming from college for this moment.

Yeah Something like this only happens once in a wee year lifetime?

If that! I'm accustomed to certain creature comforts that are hard to come by at school, so I've been stopping home toborrow things.

You know, I may have to go shopping.

I'm kind of between tuxedos, size-wise, right now.

- Oh, so this is a big deal?

- It is.

But, uh, don't feel you have to live up to this.

because that kind of pressure can k*ll a kid.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

That's probably Claire calling me.

These will be rolling in all day, you know.

Hello?

[FAX-MACHINE BEEPING]

Who still uses fax machines?

You know what?

People are gonna want to see me at the office.

I'll just play nine holes and head in early, huh?

- See you, kid!

- See you.

My new real-estate company is this close to its first sale.

A sale we really need! Not just to prove my old partners wrong, but also to pay the bills.

Unfortunately, my client has developed a case of cold feet.

Phil, this house is everything I have wanted.

Great! Should we write up an offer?

But, I am feeling a hostile energy.

I can assure you this house is filled with nothing but happy memories.

- If these walls could talk

- They can.

And they are.

Personally, I don't believe in any of that evil-spirit mumbo jumbo.

As a magician, I've learned that every spooky happening has a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Even the eeriest of illusions, Satan's Elevator, is really just two mirrors and a tiny Nice try.

When Phil told me about this house, I offered to help.

Now that Manny's away at college and Joe goes to kindergarten, I have time for one of my old hobbies confronting the devil in all his forms.

I have everything I need sage, a spoon from the Vatican cafeteria, my maracas Oh, here she is!

Mrs.Graham, looking well! How are those peptides doing?

Ooh, terrific! My shaman realigned them.

And I got the last everything bagel, so I guess we both got off to a great start today.

What say, we buy a house? Oh, this is Gloria.

She'll be addressing your concerns.

Nice to meet you.

I instantly trust you.

Why is that? Oh, I got it.

We were once cats together.

I joke! I'm not that crazy.

- [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

- Now, tell me about the ghost.

Well, in these suburban cases, it's usually a low-level haunting, like a dead unpaid gardener, a dead jealous boyfriend, a dead dog who left something unfetched.

Okay.

Here we go.

[SCREAMS] Oh, she's just taken with the natural light and the flow at this price.

It it still gets me every time.

Hey! You did it, you bastard!

- [APPLAUSE]

- CLAIRE: Be the change you want to see in the world

- I got here as soon as I could!

- Shh!

CLAIRE: In some ways, the words of Gandhi are truer today than ever before.

The world is taking notice of the Aurora walk-in, which is blurring the line between storage and sanctuary.

[APPLAUSE] I want to take a moment to celebrate our rock, our foundation, someone to whom we owe a very special debt

[INHALES DEEPLY] Josie.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Rock? Foundation? Josie? Who is that?!

CLAIRE: And to thank you all for your amazing accomplishments, I have got an ice-cream cart coming in this afternoon!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] That's right.

I.T. guy, I need your help.

- Cigar ash in your keyboard again?

- Something bigger.

But, yeah, bring that little vacuum.

My sister Pam came to stay with us for a couple weeks.

A year ago.

In the unit upstairs which we used to rent for money, which we need to pay for everybody in the unit downstairs.

We had no choice.

She was pregnant.

The father, Bo, was in jail, and she happens to be my best friend.

Yeah, yeah, like Tom and Jerry are best friends.

Pam, did you remember the oranges?

Say "oranges" one more time.

Oranges.

- Say it one more time!

- Oranges! And then she left the door open, and poor Larry got out and got in a fight with a possum.

- Ohh.

Now we have to give him antibiotics every day at noon, which he hates.

On the positive side, we've both been coming home at lunch because it's a two-man job, as it what we've also been enjoying on our little lunch break You look really cute in that suit.

You look really cute in those gym shorts.

[LARRY MEOWS] Only eight more days of cat antibiotics.

Say "antibiotics" one more time.

- Antibiotics.

- [LARRY MEOWS] Okay, sweetie, but Pam's Mommy and Me class is only an hour, so, you know, hurry.

- Oh, a surprise, huh?

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Okay.

Okay, well I can't wait.

- [KNOCKING CONTINUES]

- Yeah?

- Afternoon.

Oh, my God, are you the surprise?

Um, I was thinking candles, or flowers on the bed My name is Bo Johnson, and I am here to meet my baby boy and win back the love of my life, Miss Pam Tucker.

Oh, my You're you're B you are Bo.

Um, okay, well, Pam is not here.

Uh, I'm Mitchell, Cameron's husband.

He's talked so much about you.

Oh, well, he did have a little thing for me back in high school.

- Yeah.

I guess he's got a type.

Stop it! Stop it.

I am nothing like Well, if you don't mind, actually, I'd like to come in?

Uh, I got to see man about a horse.

But we don't have That's a classy way of saying I got to make my bladder gladder.

Bathroom!

Uh, yes Uh, end of the hall on on the right.

Yep.

Oh, and the Teen Vogues are our daughter's!

We don't even know who Demi Lovato is!

Okay, how did Larry get out again?

God, it must've been your sister.

So, guess who is in the bathroom.

Oh, well, my surprise was just candles, but I'm not saying no.

No, uhIt's Bo.

- My Bo? - No Well, technically, he's he's more Pam's Bo, and I am your Mitchell.

But yes.

Yeah, he's here to take Pam and the baby home! I mean, how great is that?

BO: Cameron Tucker! Get the hell out of my house.

Close those arms.

Come on, Cam.

- Yeah, come on, Cam.

- No.

You are not getting anywhere near my sister.

Now get out! Hmm? Let's go!

Get out!

Uh, won't he just wait for Pam outside?

- I mean Okay, you know

- Come back in!

- [LARRY MEOWS]

- Great.

There goes Larry again.

You know, I'm starting to think he's unhappy living here.

Good.

Good.

Uh, no Velcro.

Our brand is a little more upscale.

[LAPTOP BEEPS]

Uh-oh.

Another buyer is tired of seeing the same feet.

Oh, it's my fault now? What's he doing to keep things interesting?

Why do I care?

I'm surprised you were open to this.

I'm surprised you know how to do this.

Don't forget, we have to get over to mom's work to ship shoes later.

Wait a second, you're using Mom's FedEx? Every time she and Dad have a fancy night out, she uses the hashtag "Luke's college fund.

" So, yeah, I'm using her account.

[SPEAKING SPANISH] Is there something you're not telling me about this house? I am kind of getting a murdery vibe.

The only k*lling that's ever gonna happen in this house is the one that's gonna happen when you sell the place.

[CHUCKLES] Laughter makes the spirits hungry, Phil! Spirits?

You means there's more than one?

- [CELLPHONE RINGING]

- Oh.

Hi, Gil.

Wait.

No.

Uh, Gil?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Glo?

Um [COUGHS] Uh, super stoked you're here.

If if I could give you one tiny note? Mrs.

Graham's terror level, which should be going down, is actually going up.

- Mine too.

Actually, I'm panicking right now!

I can't believe what I'm sensing right now!

There is like, a humming sound, vibrations, fear! I'm pretty sure that's all coming off of me, because I'm about to lose a sale I really need.

How about this? Just just spin it a little.

What are you asking me to do? In real estate, there are no dumps.

There are fixer-uppers.

A small house is cozy.

How do we know this presence is bad?

What about Casper?

Or the Holy Ghost? People love those guys Phil.

- Hey! It's bad, isn't it? No, it's it's actually really good.

Um, Gloria was just saying she's making real progress.

- Right, Gloria?

- I'm sorry, but there is a disturbing presence in this house that I don't think that I can drive out.

Well, that is it for me.

Phil, please let me know if you find something less haunted, still within walking distance to my psychic.

We'll be right back.

Bo, you want some iced tea? That'd be great.

Thank you.

No, you are not giving him iced tea.

This is not a garden party.

But he did come all this way to make things right.

And you know what, Cam? Prison changes people.

- Oh, does it?

- Always.

In a good and permanent way.

- Ohh.

- I mean, look at him No.

Do not look at him.

He is a siren.

He draws you in with those big beautiful blue eyes, and the next thing you know, you're giving him your great-grandfather's Civil w*r bayonet and he's selling it for Magic Beans.

It's the brand of whiskey he drinks.

I just I think he deserves a second chance.

Why do you suddenly care so much if Pam and Bo are back together?

I'm a divorce lawyer, Cam.

I see families torn apart all the time.

- The emotional cost is just too high.

- Oh.

The cost of everything is too high!

Look, Pam made her bed.

Now she needs to get out of it so I can flip the mattress to make some money off of it.

Sounded more pimpy than I intended.

Mm.

Maybe Pam doesn't want to live upstairs anymore.

Maybe she wants to go with him to Missouri.

Or maybe you don't want Pam to live upstairs and you want her to go home to Missouri.

I couldn't help but overhear, since we're practically in the same room and you ain't exactly whispering Can I say something on my behalf?

No, you may not! Because if you cared about my sister, you would've been here the moment baby Calhoun was born!

I know, but when I got out of jail for punching that police horse, I discovered my truck had been towed.

I had to sell my plasma for cash.

He thinks of others.

Very noble.

All I'm hearing is no car, no money, compromised immune system.

What a great role model.

And yes, he could be a model, but I will not be distracted by those beautiful big blue eyes.

Cam, I get it, all right?

I made a lot of mistakes.

But like my plasma, I decided to "B-positive.

" I hitchhiked, I took odd jobs, whatever I could do to get here.

I mean, Pam, our boy Calhoun, they're my family.

Hell, you're my family.

Okay, I want to believe you, Bo, but, yeah, I just yeah, I've been b*rned too many times.

About that I got something to show you.

[BAG UNZIPS] [GASPS]

Old Stonewall Tucker would've wanted you to have this back.

Oh, Stonewall.

I'm guessing his statue's no longer in the park.

I thought you sold this.

Welp, that was the old Bo.

The new Bo saved up and bought it back for you.

- See?

- Believe me, I'm trying to do the right thing.

- Hey

- Oh, Bo What the hell is he doing here?!

Now, Pameron, Bo came back for you and baby Calhoun! Yeah, just just give him a chance, okay?

Oh, my gosh.

Is this him?

Is is that my boy? No.

This is my car and I have a little tiny driver.

Of course it's him! You stay away from us, Beauregard Lavern Johnson!

- Come on And stop undressing me with your devil blue eyes!

Okay, You know what? I'll I'll go I'll go talk to her.

Oof.

Hey, thank you for pleading my case back there with Cam.

I can tell, you're good lawyer.

And I can tell you are a good man.

I am team Bo all the way.

[CHUCKLING]

All right, good.

'Cause I I might need some legal counsel.

See, I I didn't buy that bayonet back, so much as I stole it.

Oh, dear.

[FLOOR RATTLING]

JAY: Excuse me, everyone! As founder of this company, which I built with my own sweat and tears, I'd like to say a few words.

Before going into the future, it's important we honor how we got here.

So I put together a little presentation.

Dad, we're having ice cream.

They can lick and watch.

Ponytail, lights.

[INSPIRATIONAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

JAY: 1946.

An iron curtain was descending over Europe.

But in Youngstown, Ohio, a child is born.

While young Jay Pritchett was superstar athlete, he was also an artist who dreamed of revolutionizing an industry closets.

He just couldn't let me have my day.

He had to make it all about him.

It was disgusting.

Although the scene of him playing his father denying him a startup loan? Surprisingly powerful.

JAY: While America was doing the Hustle, Jay as hustling to build an empire, which is why one newspaper called him "the hardest working man in closets."

That was an ad.

JAY: Who would've thought the company, built by that little boy, would one day be the toast of the international closet world?

Congratulations.

We did it.

[GLASSES CLINK]

Margaret's mixing some drinks.

Enjoy the afternoon.

- Nice!

- Thank you.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Okay, Mrs. Graham's car is on its way!

You have five minutes to convince her that this house is fine!

- Something's in this wall, Phil.

- No, I am done with this nonsense!

I can't believe I'm hearing this from a person that believes in magic!

I'm not the one who told you this, but magic isn't actually magic.

- That didn't come from your ear.

- What? How? You're with them.

There is no "them," Gloria.

Everybody says "What? How?" to that trick.

That's how magic works.

Things that seem supernatural actually have a perfectly logical explanation.

This wall is warm, Phil.

It's radiating evil.

It is not radiating evil Oh, that is warm.

- Oh! - What was that?

- Faulty wiring, Phil?!

- How dare you? I would never sell a house with faulty wiring!

You can hear that, right?

[WHISPERING] You made them angry.

I don't believe in any of this! But just in case

- What is this? Holy water?

- No.

Cucumber water.

You think this skin just happens? Okay okay.

The sellers are on their way home.

Let's just put everything back the way we found it and maybe swing by a church.

Come on!

- Ohh!

- [SCREAMS]

- [INSECTS BUZZING]

- Oh, my God! Bees! Oh! Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Good news, Mrs. Graham, it's only bees!

I'll follow up with the escrow documents!

Congrats! Ow!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Hey.

So, that was a fun movie, Dad.

Kind of made it all about you, though.

Nonsense.

Try a Jay-tini.

I'm good.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY] Congratulations on the Expo, boss.

- Thanks.

- Thanks.

I think that what's her name was talking to me.

Oh? [SCOFFS]

Oh, Margaret, what are my kids doing here? Oh, the kids have been using the company shipping.

They've been coming in for weeks.

I am so drunk.

[WHISPERING] Am I screaming?

[SCOFFS] What do you two think you're doing?

Oh, uh We just came to congratulate you on that thing that happened.

- Try again.

- LUKE: Fine.

But there's no nice wayto say this.

I started a company selling Alex's disgusting, smelly shoes to feet freaks.

- Wow, that is so gross!

- More like gutsy.

You got to get your hands dirty to build a company from the ground up.

- I'm proud of you, Luke.

- Uh, hold on.

It was my idea to start buying thrift-store shoes.

I expanded the business and doubled our profits.

You see what Alex did? She grew the business.

She took it to the next level.

She was able to achieve what Luke couldn't despite years of trying.

It's really only been a few You can't grow what doesn't exist! Okay.

Well, they're on their thing now.

Just walk away.

Do you know how long I've been with this company?

Seven presidents.

And four popes.

Yes, Dad, I saw the movie.

Couldn't you just let me have today?

- Why didn't you call me?

- What are you talking about?

This morning.

When you got the big news.

I mean, am I not a part of this anymore?

Is that what's going on here? I didn't call you because I was waiting for you to call me and say, "Congratulations, you did it, honey.

" Instead, I had to come here and watch "Lawrence of A-Jay-bia.

" How else would anybody know I even existed?

- What? I spent my entire career trying to get in the Expo, and you come in and get it done in 2 years.

[SIGHS] Come on, it goes without saying that this company would be nothing without you.

- No, it doesn't.

- Hmm?

- Let me hear you say it.

- Seriously? Yes.

I want to hear it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Dad, if it weren't for you, we wouldn't be where we are today.

All of your hard work laid the foundation for our success.

Now you.

Well, if I say it, it'll sound a little conceited.

No, not about you! About me! It's an unbelievable accomplishment.

You've exceeded all my expectations, which were ridiculously high to begin with.

The company could not be in better hands.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Thanks, Dad.

Okay, let's just agree that your heart was in the right place giving Cam back his bayonet.

But knowing what a decent person you are, I'm sure you're planning on

- [POUNDING ON DOOR]

- HEATHER: Bo, open this door!

- [POUNDING CONTINUES]

- Bo! Bo How long you expect me to wait out there in the car? Oh, God, please tell me this is your cab driver.

I'm Heather.

It's like feather, but with an "h"? I'm familiar with the name.

Uh, I'll be right out, sweetie.

I'm just finishing up with my client.

Okay, Mr.

Pringle, you can expect delivery of one male and one female chinchilla in the next Phew.

Good.

She's gone.

[CHUCKLING] Can you believe I just thought of that on the spot?

- Mm.

- [LAUGHING] I'm not going down there, Cam.

I don't trust myself around him.

I see that face, I hear that voice, I go all gooey.

You're preaching to the gay man's choir, here.

But you have to decide for yourself, and you need to keep a clear head.

You know what? All right.

So, here's a trick that I used when I was coming of age.

So, I had a little bit of a self-control problem, and I would put a rubber band around my wrist and flick it every time I got the urge toflick it.

Ew! You used to snap one of those like crazy whenever we watched "Dukes of Hazzard.

" Yeah.

I got through all seven seasons zero incidents.

Okay.

Say your piece.

But I'll tell you right now, I ain't gonna make it easy for you.

You sure look pretty, Pam'n'cheese.

Oh, Bo

- Come here.

- Mm!

- We did that.

- Yeah.

Yeah, we did.

I know I don't deserve you, but if you and Cal will have me, I promise to spend every day of my life proving that I am worthy.

Oh, my God! Look at this beautiful ring!

It's just so perfect Who's Heather?

Oh, that's the name of the jeweler I bought it from.

Heather's Rings and Things.

Okay! Nope! Mnh-mnh! Nope!

No, even I can't spin this anymore.

All right.

Bo is a disaster, okay? He he hasn't changed one bit.

He is a liar, he is a thief, he is a day drinker, he He stole that ring from Heather, who's waiting outside for him in case you say no.

Hey! You can't say any of that!

That's attorney-client privilege! He's also an idiot.

Look, okay, I am not letting you and Cal go anywhere near him, all right?

I cannot believe I got drawn in by those big beautiful blue eyes again.

Get out of my house.

Well, it's not really up to you, now is it?

What you think, Pamburger? Well, I

- [RUBBER BAND THWACKS]

- Ow.

Get the hell out!

[SIGHS] Fine.

I'm glad I left the air conditioning on for Heather.

- CAMERON: Oh

- MITCHELL: Oh I even got

- Ow!

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

- Thanks, Mitchell

- Yeah.

- for taking care of me like that.

- Hey, hey.

You have a home here as long as you need it, okay?

Aww, Mitchell, you really are looking out for my sister.

And you know what, Pam?

As long as you're gonna be staying here for a little while, you got to mind the door a little better.

Larry keeps getting out.

- Say "Larry" one more time.

- Okay.

[WHISPERING] Larry.

- I told you not to say

- Get off of me! Ahhh, your mother called you about the screening of my film.

- Uh

- She blew us off, some lame excuse about being att*cked by bees.

Oh what the hell, let's start.

What are you doing over there?

What are you doing up there?

Is that you with Lady Bird Johnson? Sure is.

I was Closet Magazine's "Movers and Groovers to Watch.

" She did the keynote, complimented my mustache

- Heady times.

- What's with all that news footage?

Well, historical context is important.

Post-Watergate, people wanted transparency, hence the glass closet.

Now, let me explain why my shirt is off in the next sh*t.