09x12 - Dear Beloved Family

[bunniefuu]

Phil, thank you so much for helping, especially after Jay was so rude to you last night.

I wanted to start a new family tradition.

In a way, I succeeded.

We now have Phil Un-appreciation Day.

- Hear ye, hear ye!

- Nope.

I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games.

- Hard pass.

- Tests of strength, games of chance with the champion receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice and this gift card to Yogurtland.

Phil, it's not going to happen.

Your dissent has been noted, town elder, but perhaps those who've seen fewer winters should cast a vote.

[CHATTER] Who dares accept the challenge of a noodle-joust?

No sale, Dad.

Oh, well.

Nice try, Son.

I'll probably just drive back to Florida, then.

Great to see you guys.

I just thought with everyone growing up, a new tradition might give us another excuse to get together every year.

Oh, baby, we can get together today for Joe's soccer-team party.

We have superheroes coming.

We have the Superman, the X-Men.

That's what Jay called my dad and me.

Ex-men.

Ohh! That hurts!

- Why, what happened?

- Oh, it's nothing.

It's probably just my stilter's hip flaring up.

No, it's not.

Oh, you don't look that good.

Do you have a fever?

I don't know.

I can't tell.

Ay, no, you're burning up!

Hi, I ordered your Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks, and they are both marked "L.

" And "L" is for "L" is for large.

Hilarious.

I'm thinking I've been wearing two left socks.

- I am adorable.

- [PHONE BEEPS]

- Can you hang on a second?

- [PHONE BEEPS]

- CLAIRE: Hello?

- Claire, everything is okay, but I am taking Phil to the hospital.

- He's dead!

- I was just resting my eyes!

- Oh, God! What happened?!

- It's okay, honey.

I just have a little bit of stomach pain.

Hang in there, sweetie.

I'll I'm I'm I'm coming.

I'll be I'll be I'll be there.

[CELLPHONE RINGS] Really, Schwartzy? Calling me while I'm putting?

It's bush-league moves like that why your wife left you, why we still play poker and never invite you, why we Oh, it's Gloria.

Jay, pick up Joe and meet me at the hospital!

What happened? Is it Stella?!

No, it's Phil! Wait a minute, I'm I'm getting another call.

- Dad

- JAY: I heard.

Okay, Haley and Luke are working at the club.

Can you grab them and meet me at the hospital?

Sure thing.

Sorry, guys.

Emergency, I gotta take the cart.

- What?!

- The clubhouse is 50 yards away.

Walk the first 25, make camp, and then tackle the rest in the morning.

Forget about Joe, I'll have Mitch and Cam bring him.

Phil, how's the pain? On a scale of one to Bo Derek!

10.

Got it.

Boy, they did not get that score wrong, huh?

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

- Good.

- Yeah.

Okay, it's good, but is it wow?

We're inviting eight people over for brunch with an invitation that reads, "Friends, Romans, Hungreymen" they're gonna say wow.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]

- Hey, Gloria.

I am taking Phil to the hospital!

What? They're taking Phil to the hospital.

It's just a stomach issue.

Please pick up Joe at soccer and meet us over there.

Of course.

Oh, but what about Lily?

[LYRE TWANGS]

What is that? A harp? No! Dios mí­o, no!

The angels are coming down.

You cannot have him yet!

[CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS] Hello? Haley, would you mind picking up Lily from City Kidz gym?

I don't have a car.

Alex said she's on a date, but she can grab Lily.

Oh, crap.

We don't have time for this valet stuff.

I'm going rogue.

Luke, this thing's not fast enough.

Grab a nine-iron, try to hook a bumper.

Aah! Hey, Uncle Mitchell, I'm kinda busy right now.

He is? I'm on my way.

[CAT MEOWS] Sorry, boys, gotta cut it short today.

Hurry, hurry! Take him!

[GROANS] If Phil dies, would Claire get a new husband?

Okay, he's not gonna die, bud.

But to answer your question, yes, probably.

You have to move on with life.

Wow.

Wait for us.

Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot!

[TIRES SCREECH] You're just gonna park that right there?

I did the closets for head of surgery here.

I'm untouchable.

Phil, honey, how are you?

- Oh, back in the hospital.

- Oh.

But better because of Elsie and her friend IV.

Oh.

If it's okay, I invited IV to come live with us.

Uh-huh.

Well, I brought you something that's gonna make you feel so much better.

Oh, Surgery Bear.

Our first year dating, we went to a carnival.

At the milk-can toss, there was a bear that Claire really liked.

I spent all night trying to win it, but I just couldn't.

Came back the next night and the carnival had left town.

So, I drove to Fresno, failed again.

Sacramento, no dice.

Six weeks later, in Carson City, Nevada, it happened.

Yeah.

When I handed it to her and saw the smile on her face, I proposed to her on the spot.

[LAUGHS, SNORTS]

Anyhoo, it's come with me to every visit in the hospital since for good luck.

And I was so worried about forgetting it that guess what I did? Remembered it?

Well, I brought you your nice, comfy neck pillow, and I'm gonna run right home and get you Surgery Bear, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Dad!

- Hi.

Oh, honey.

- Yeah?

- Just in case, I made one of my goodbye videos for you and the kids.

I posted it in the usual spot.

- Okay.

- Goodbye videos?

It's nothing, don't worry about it.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, Phil.

- Hi.

How you feeling? Did you tell them about the long pants?

Oh, yeah, they had to cut me out of them when th when they got tangled up in the spokes of the wheelchair!

JAY: Well, they gave him the good stuff.

Well, glad you got to wish him well.

We have to get this guy prepped for his gallbladder surgery.

[SINGSONG VOICE] That means they're gonna shave me.

Should we be worried that those could be his last words?

I got this.

Phil, we love you.

[NORMAL VOICE] I love you, too.

They're gonna shave me.

Well, we tried.

So you're sure Phil's gonna be okay?

Absolutely, Papi, Phil is not gonna die in a long, long time.

Am I going to die? Well, Joe, it's a natural thing that we Bup, bup, bup.

This is not a topic you tend to handle gently.

It's not your fault, but many people in your orbit met with ugly ends.

I'll handle this.

Fine.

I have to pick up the party cake.

It's shaped like a soccer ball.

You sure that won't scare them?

'Cause the only thing I've seen them do with a soccer ball is run from it.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES] Look, kid, that's a deep question, "Will I die some day?"

And I'm gonna be straight with you about it no.

Never? A few years back, people would live to be around 12.

Nowadays, what with all the science they're doing, sky's the limit.

You play your cards right, and someday you'll be 200, and if you learn anything from your old man, you'll have a gorgeous 100-year-old bride on your arm.

Uh, there will be some squawking from women in their 180s, but, uh, you're a successful man and you've earned your happiness.

CAMERON: What is a gallbladder? Yeah, and what's up with these organs you don't even need? You can lose a gallbladder, an appendix, and everything's fine.

Yeah, kind of like husbands.

You lose one, you just get another.

[CHUCKLES] That is what you said earlier.

Oh, how did I know that was gonna boomerang back on me? I didn't bring it up to att*ck you.

I just wondered have you ever thought about who you'd end up with if, you know, my show closes early?

I would give my right gallbladder not to answer this question.

Come on, it'll be a fun game.

Don't you want to know who I'm thinking about?

I guess.

Okay, well, then, let's just say a name on three.

- Cam.

- No, come on.

I think you'll be surprised by my choice.

You ready? One, two, three

- Caleb.

- You're my everything.

- Y-You You tricked me.

- Okay, who's Caleb?

You You met him.

At At Jotham's party.

The The massage therapist.

Well, I guess he rubbed you the right way.

Cam, oh, come on.

I only said a name because you pressured me to.

I've had like two conversations with him.

Look, I-I only picked him because he reminds me of you.

So sweet and open and such a good balance for me.

I-I thought he might be, too.

Well, then, that's lovely.

Oh, thank God.

I cut the right wire.

Okay, what is a gallbladder? The gallbladder is "a 4-inch pear-shaped organ that stores bile."

Like Like a little bile cabinet.

- [GIGGLES]

- [DOORBELL RINGS] That's why people want us around.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, Caleb.

- Hey, Mitchell.

- CAMERON: Hey.

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

You can set your table up, uh, down in the TV area.

- Sounds good.

- You got it.

What's going on? Uh, would you stop being so suspicious?

You said you neck hurt from posing for our photograph so I invited Caleb over to ply his trade.

I do not think he's here to ply.

I think he's here so you can pry.

ALEX: Dad's gonna be fine.

Since we're on the subject, at my funeral, make sure the pallbearers say things like, "Wow, she's so light," and things like, "Is she even in here?"

I don't want to be buried.

I'm donating my body to science.

Haven't you already?

I'm putting kettle bells in your coffin.

And make sure my cadaver goes to an Ivy League.

I don't want some hungover freshman from Swarthmore getting his hands all over me.

Mm.

It's not so bad.

I'm never gonna die.

Science is gonna find a cure for everything.

Grandpa told me that.

Quick, kids, hey, listen, Surgery Bear is not upstairs.

Any ideas?

Oh, right, Dad gave it to Joe when he got his tonsils taken out.

You could've told me that before I looked through Luke's drawers.

- Which drawer?!

- We'll get into that later.

[BIRDS CHIRPING] Come on!

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]

- Damn it.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

Hey, honey, did you find Surgery Bear?

Uh yeah, sure did.

He's He's right here with his beautiful blue eyes.

I always considered them hazel, but who could tell underneath those sunglasses? Sunglasses.

Right.

Um why don't you tell me what your favorite thing is about Surgery Bear?

Well, as you know, he's the polar [YAWNS] opposite of me.

I mean, I hate surfing.

But it makes sense that a fireman would love it.

Yes, of course.

[LAUGHS] In my mind, he's a volunteer fireman during the summer because professors have those off.

Professors have Yes.

Oh, gotta run, honey.

Elsie's here to give me another sh*t for the pain.

Don't be stingy, Elsie.

Last time, it took forever to fee [SNORES]

Oh, thank God you're here.

Which one of these is Surgery Bear?

Neither one.

I gave him to Manny when he went to college.

Ugh!

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- Was that Claire?

I don't know, but we've given out too many keys.

Look out below! What are you doing there?!

You're gonna k*ll yourself! No, I won't.

Dad said I'm gonna live forever.

Come down here.

Is that what you told him?

Are you crazy?

I didn't want to steal the kid's innocence.

Joe, I know what your father said, but forget it.

You can die from that.

Really? Yes.

People die all the time.

That's why you have to be careful.

Everyone dies.

You can choke or something very heavy can fall on top of your head.

One time, I heard there was a little kid that exploded.

The nuns said that it was because of unclean thoughts.

Do you get all this?

- Yes, Mommy.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Those are your friends.

Go welcome them.

Hi, Joe.

I brought cupcakes.

What's the point?

- You okay with the pressure?

- If you looked under this table, you'll see I'm drooling like a trumpeter.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.

Made some hot tea and some homemade cookies.

I'm suddenly feeling some tension in your shoulder here, Mitchell.

Do you cook, like I do, Caleb, or? Oh, no.

Not as much as I used to.

Oh, yeah, well, nothin' says lovin' like a home-cooked meal.

I know.

I had my own restaurant for 15 years.

Oh, but it failed and you lost everything?

No, I had to walk away.

It's such a stressful life.

But I do miss having someone to cook for.

Cam, maybe you want to get into these topics with Caleb during your massage?

Oh, yeah, okay.

I'll leave you guys.

And the knots are melting away.

- You know, I'm a drummer.

- Big one coming back here now.

Are you musical in any way, Caleb?

Yeah, I was actually in a band once.

Oh.

But it failed and you lost everything? Uh, no.

We actually toured Europe for a couple years.

Bought me a house and a cabin in Hawaii.

When you say Hawaii, you mean the big island of Ha-va-ee? I'm sorry, Caleb.

I just remembered I need to talk to Cameron about the recycling bin.

Would you excuse us?

- Sure.

- Thanks.

You're acting crazy.

Okay, you know what?

I have some health issues on my mind, Mitchell, and I was simply evaluating the man who might become Lily's stepfather someday.

Cam, your your health is fine.

You don't know that.

Phil probably thought the same thing when he woke up this morning.

- Okay.

- Things lurk.

Okay, so that's what this is? You Seeing Phil flipped you out, but nothing is lurking.

Okay.

Maybe I'm being crazy.

How about if I send him home and finish this little massage myself?

Hey! Uh, everything okay with the recycling bins? What? Oh.

Oh.

The excuse.

Y-Y-Yes, and listen, about earlier, um, Mitchell has a little crush on you and I was being weird, but we're all good now, so No, it's actually really nice to hear.

- I just got dumped

- Aww.

so I'll take any validation I can get.

Did he say what exactly about me he liked? I think how not needy you are.

Anyway, we've put you through enough, you should go.

I'll finish the massage.

Oh, absolutely not.

Please, you've already paid.

Besides, when I leave, I'm just gonna be alone in that apartment with the parrot that we adopted.

- [IMITATING PARROT]

- Where's Silvio? Where's Silvio?

[NORMAL VOICE] I don't know.

He left! [SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

Hey, I-I just had an impulse.

Let's skip the massage.

I'll grab some wine and you can meet me in the bedroom.

Go on.

Get in there.

MANNY: Go away! You don't even know who it is.

It's Claire.

I need Surgery Bear.

- Not a good time, Claire.

- Oh, gotta have it, buddy.

You know how in college, everybody goes through a rebellious phase You know how one time Alex locked herself in the bathroom and I kicked the door down?

That's what all the fuss is about? An earring? Ugh.

Where's the bear?

Closet.

I started with an earring.

No one even noticed.

So, you might need to up your game, pal.

Try wearing a snake around your neck and then act annoyed when people want to talk about it.

Drawers? I went a different way.

Uh-huh.

Oh! Okay.

Wow.

Well, first of all, welcome.

We do have more fun.

I'm guessing you like it, but you're worried what other people will think? A passerby likened me to a tennis ball.

And you can't hide in here until it grows out.

I ran the numbers.

Even with inside-out wearings, I'd be out of underwear in three weeks.

Yeah.

Um, let me tell you about the happiest guy I know.

He stretched a tightrope across his front yard.

Didn't worry about the neighbors.

He pogo-sticked to work, and [SIGHS] The point is, he doesn't care what anybody thinks, and if he did, he wouldn't have had half the fun he's had.

Let me ask you again.

How do you feel about the hair?

- Kinda like it.

- Yeah.

How do you feel about the fact that Jay's gonna hate it?

I love that.

Thanks, Claire.

Yeah, I'm gonna hold on just a little longer.

I need it today.

Okay.

Oh.

Cabinet.

Come on.

[CLEARS THROAT] [SPEAKING SPANISH]

I hate to interrupt, but if you just scream you'll call her back, you might want to see how Joe's party's going.

[SPEAKS SPANISH] Apparently, Joe shared the uplifting news that his friends could die at any minute.

Hey, so, I love what I do, but I feed off the energy of my audience.

And if I'm not getting a lot back, it's harder for me to forget I'm a 45-year-old classically trained actor in a body sock and a cape that doubles as a curtain in my van.

- So, I'm gonna go.

- [DOOR OPENS]

Jackson, Mama's here! You told them they were all going to die?

No, only Joe, but in a very nice way.

Really? Because it looks like the "before" picture in an ad for chewable Prozac.

Take us, too! Joe, come here.

We need to talk again about the thing.

I think I'm just gonna go to bed.

JAY: Hold on.

It's true we all die sometime.

But someone like you, so young, is gonna live a long, long, long time.

Yeah, and the thing is, knowing we're gonna die some day can be a good thing.

Because it reminds us to appreciate every minute that we're around.

[SIGHS] It's hitting you hard, isn't it? It feels like I'm never going to laugh again.

But that's natural.

This is a pretty adult thing you're dealing with here.

In fact, I'd be worried about you if you weren't walking underneath a cloud for a few days.

- And eventually

- Hey! [LAUGHS]

Hey.

You, me, bedroom.

I got the Syrah and I want to do something Syr-wrong.

But what about your massage?

I said I didn't want it.

Come on.

Mitchell, I am so happy we're doing this.

We haven't done anything spontaneous in forever.

I hope you like what I picked out for us.

It is a little fruitier than we're used to.

Ugh, what a day, huh? Togas and health scares Mitchell, I love you, and I don't want Caleb to get between us.

Oh, so, where do you want me, then?

[GASPS] Wha? Oh, my God.

W-What are you doing here? Me?

I Cameron said that you liked me, and then you said meet you in the bedroom.

You told Caleb that I liked him?

You told him to meet you in the bedroom? I thought I was talking to you.

Guys, it sounds like all three of us could really use this.

Take it easy, Caleb.

You'll have Mitchell to yourself soon enough.

Cam, you're not dying!

We don't know that I'm not! I-I had a cousin that d*ed at my age from a genetic condition, and it runs on my mom's side of the family.

And if you have those two genes, you're at risk.

That's why I've been acting crazy all day.

Well, then, take a test to make sure you don't have that pair of mom genes.

Mitchell, I did take the test.

I took it a week ago, and I've been too scared to look at the results.

Oh, honey, I'm I'm so sorry you've been going through this by yourself.

Hey Hey, let's look at the results together, okay?

- Really?

- Yeah.

[WHIMPERS] Okay, here goes.

- Oh, thank God.

- You're okay?

No, my Etsy order shipped.

But, okay, here's the here it is.

- You look.

I cannot look at it.

- Okay, okay, okay.

It's It's negative.

- What?

- You're fine.

Look.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my God! I can't believe it!

Oh, now, that is something to celebrate.

- I love you.

- I love you.

All right, guys, I'm not I'm not dense here.

I-I know this is my cue to leave.

[CLEARS THROAT]

But what you guys have is it's very special.

You should cherish that.

- Caleb

- I am so back in.

I was gonna say, if you want to take the cookies when you leave No offense, but what do you see in him?

[SIGHS] [MONITOR BEEPING] Oh, no.

I'm in heaven.

No.

No, you're not.

Not yet.

You made it.

And just so you know, Surgery Bear was here and scrubbed in for the whole procedure.

That's pretty dangerous.

He's a women's studies professor.

Besides, the only thing I really needed was my neck pillow.

What? I knew if you didn't have something to keep you busy, you'd worry all day.

Aww, honey.

You really do know me.

I'm glad you woke up when you did.

You almost slept through the second Saturday in January.

Why would you put it like that?

- [BELL DINGS]

- Hear ye, hear ye! I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games hospital edition.

[LAUGHS] Tests of strength chance and cunning.

- Yes! â(Trademark)ª Ahh!

[LAUGHS] Oh-ho!

JAY: With the winner receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice.

To our champion, Mitchell!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Yes! Extinguish the torch.

And that concludes the first Dunphy Games.

Uh, Wi-Wi-Winter Dunphy Games.

We'll see you all again July 9 for the Summer

- Take the win, Phil.

- Okay.

Okay.

All right.

So we discovered our dad made a series of videos through the years.

Every time he was in danger, he made a goodbye video for us.

It turns out he's had the same haircut for a really long time.

Hey, kids, um, I've been trapped in this porta-potty for some time now, and as you can see by the the curling edges of my mustache, the, uh, the chemical fumes are strong.

I didn't plan to be on an airplane for Y2K, but here I am.

A quick, loving goodbye as I am surrounded by a swarm of bears.

If anything happens to me today, I have faith knowing that the three of you will always have each other.

My fingers are numb, to the point at which it's hard to even keep a grip on the phone.

No!

- [BEEP]

- Oh, no! It's happening! It's hap Oh, they're they're just starting the movie.

Oh.

It's It's "A Bug's Life." They're goofy.

But it's sweet that he wanted his last words on Earth to be something for his family.

Yeah.

Also, we've reached a point in world history where it's become much too easy to film yourself.

Totally.

Wait, what?