13x08 - The Scorpion and the Frog

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN OVER PA: Your attention, please. The museum will close in 15 minutes. The museum will close in 15 minutes.

GUARD: Excuse me? Madam? You're not allowed down here.

BARTHAMUS: Well done.

DEMON GUARD: How do you think Asmodeus will reward us?

DEAN [answers phone]: Yeah?

BARTHAMUS: Dean Winchester?

DEAN: Who's this?

BARTHAMUS: I have something you might be interested in.

SAM: I think she's clean.

DEAN [dropping the g*n on the table]: Anything on Ketch?

SAM: No. Checked every hospital in a 50-mile radius. Nada.

DEAN: [Sighs] Crazy son of a bitch probably pulled the b*llet out with his teeth.

SAM: Yeah.

DEAN: What about Jack?

SAM: I talked to Cass. He's got nothing. It's like– [sighs] We gotta find something in the lore or wait for Jack to make a mistake.

DEAN: Yeah, well, the "mistakes" are what I'm worried about.

DEAN: Yeah?

BARTHAMUS: [On phone] Dean Winchester?

DEAN: Who's this?

BARTHAMUS: I have something you might be interested in.

DEAN: No, we're happy with our cable provider. Thank you.

BARTHAMUS: What about your nephilim? Word on the street is he's gone rogue.

DEAN: Yeah? What street is that?

BARTHAMUS: Hell Street. Hell Avenue. Just Hell, really.

SAM: [Whispers] Demon?

BARTHAMUS: What if I told you I had a way to find your boy? Meet me at Smile Diner at 12:45.

DEAN: You know, this could be a trap. I mean he could work for Asmodeus.

SAM: Yeah, but what if he's telling the truth?

DEAN: You know, after Crowley, I told myself, no more demons.

SAM: Dean, we don't even know what this guy's deal is.

DEAN: Yeah, we do. He's a freakin' demon.

SAM: Yeah, but you said it yourself, we need a miracle. And maybe this is it.

DEAN: You know what "miracles" are called from demons? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's not "miracles".

SAM: How about this? Let's hear the guy out.

DEAN: All right, and after that, we k*ll him.

BARTHAMUS: The famous Winchesters.

DEAN: Some random demon.

BARTHAMUS: Barthamus. Bart's fine. Please, sit. I ordered cherry pie.

DEAN: Well, Bart, don't know what you've heard about us, but…

BARTHAMUS: Everything. I've been following your careers a long time. You're a real pain in the pitchfork. And the halo. Natural disrupters. We have that in common, you and I.

DEAN: Mm. Yeah, we're twinsies.

SAM: All right. You said you have something for us?

BARTHAMUS: That is a genuine Nephilim tracking spell.

SAM: Hmm.

DEAN: Yeah, and I just won the Powerball.

BARTHAMUS: You don't believe me.

DEAN: Ya think?

SAM: Wait a second. Even if this is real…

BARTHAMUS: It's real.

SAM: Why would you give it to us?

BARTHAMUS: I'm a crossroads demon, Sam. After Crowley's promotion to King of Hell, the crossroads demon. Helping people's what I do, my raison d'être.

SAM: Right. Okay, look, we've been around long enough to know nothing's ever free. So, what's the catch?

BARTHAMUS: You got me. I do need something in return. Call it a favor.

DEAN: Yeah, but you already gave us the spell.

BARTHAMUS: Half the spell. That's half the spell. The other half is elsewhere. But I'll happily hand it over once we're done.

DEAN: Well, see, here's the thing. When a demon tells us to jump, we don't ask how high. We just ice their ass.

BARTHAMUS: How very "Dean" of you. [Chuckles] Sam, do me a favor. You're the smart one. Look into that. I'll be in touch.

Barthamus gets up and leaves the diner. Dean proceeds to eat the pie, while Sam studies the parchment.

DEAN: What's the verdict?

SAM: [Sighs] The spell… I think it checks out. I put together a rough translation. Um, it's Canaanite. Dates back to the time of King Solomon, who apparently commissioned it to keep tabs on the Queen of Sheba, who, according to the lore, was half-angel.

DEAN: She was a nephilim? So, what you're saying is that King Solomon created a spell so that she could stalk his girlfriend.

SAM: Yeah. And it looks like it works. Or it would work…

DEAN: If we had the other half, which, without it, we got nothing.

SAM: Pretty much.

DEAN: Great.

SAM: [Sighs] Look, whatever game Bart is playing, I-I-I don't wanna play it, but…

DEAN: Sam, you know that these things don't usually go our way.

SAM: It doesn't matter. Jack is out there, in the world, and he's alone and he's scared and he's dangerous. And if this is our chance to find him… [Sighs] we have to take it.

BARTHAMUS: Relax. They'll be here. [He sees Sam and Dean arriving]. Sam. Dean. Welcome.

DEAN: Who are your friends?

BARTHAMUS: I'm sorry. I should've told you. These are my associates. This young lady is Smash. And this is Grab.

GRAB: Hiya.

SAM: Smash and Grab? Really?

SMASH: Not our real names.

DEAN: No kidding.

BARTHAMUS: Smash can cr*ck any safe built by man. And Grab's a demon, expert in bypassing supernatural security.

DEAN: Wait. Safecracking? What is this, a heist? Hold up. Is this a heist?

BARTHAMUS: His name is Luther Shrike. Lives off-grid. Paranoid, agoraphobic. You might call him a hoarder. Has a rabid appetite for collecting rare supernatural objects, including something of mine.

DEAN: All right, so what are we talkin'? Your favorite My Little Pony?

BARTHAMUS: No. What I want is in a mahogany trunk, in a safe, locked in a vault room, hidden somewhere on Shrike's farm. I want you to find my property and bring it back to me.

DEAN: What's in the safe?

SAM: Why don't you rob him yourself?

BARTHAMUS: If I could, I would. Farm's warded inside and out. Grab can locate the vault room, but the only thing that can actually open it is the blood of a man who's been to Hell and back. Tell me, Dean, do you know any men like that?


DEAN: Well, here. Why don't you just take it? Then you can give us the rest of the spell.

BARTHAMUS: I'm afraid it needs to be straight from the tap. And I don't just need your blood. I need you. You see, when it comes to Shrike, there's what I know and what I don't know. Now Grab can locate the vault, Smash can cr*ck the safe. But there will be curveballs. And you boys, well, you tend to hit those right out of the park.

SAM: Okay, tell me. How does Shrike get into his vault?

BARTHAMUS: He uses his own blood.

DEAN: So he's been to Hell. What's he, a demon?

BARTHAMUS: Luther gets around, but he is human. Not one of the good ones. He's a sadist, a m*rder*r who'll do anything and everything to add to his collection.


DEAN: All right, seriously, what does he have of yours?

BARTHAMUS: It's important to me. That's all you need to know.

SAM: Sorry. That's not good enough.

BARTHAMUS: Put it another way… take the deal, or I give the spell to Asmodeus. I made a copy of your half, obviously. Did I neglect to mention that he's looking for your boy, too? But here's the thing… I don't trust him. Of course, I don't trust you either, but I trust him less, so you get dibs. For now.

DEAN: All right, well, I've seen this movie a thousand times. Some asshat too fancy to get his hands dirty plans a job, swears it'll all go smooth, and it does… until bang! And everything goes screaming off the rails, and it's our asses.

SAM: Dean…

DEAN: You know he's gonna screw us over the first chance he gets.

SAM: Not if we screw him over first. Listen, we want that spell, right? I mean, we need that spell. We definitely don't want Asmodeus getting his hands on it. So, let's do this, have him hand over the other half of the spell…

DEAN: And then?

SAM: And then, like you said we k*ll him.

DEAN: Okay.

BARTHAMUS: Peace made?

DEAN: Yeah, you could say that.

SAM: All right, look, if we're doing this, finding the vault's gonna take time. We need a distraction, something to keep Shrike busy.

BARTHAMUS: I'm all ears. See, boys, it's kismet, us working together. Shrike'll never see us coming.

DEMON: They're coming. Asmodeus isn't your enemy.

LUTHER SHRIKE: He wants to use me as bait.

DEMON: Barthamus is coming, Luther. All Asmodeus asks is when he shows his traitor face, you give us a call.

LUTHER SHRIKE: I could. Or, uh Exorcizamus Te, omnis immundus spiritus.

DEMON: You're making a mistake!

LUTHER SHRIKE: Adiuramus Te, cessa decipere humanas creaturas, eisque aeternae perditionis venenum propinare! [Yelling] Tell your boss I don't take orders. I give 'em. If he or Barthamus… if anyone comes near me, I'm ready.

SAM: It's, uh, John Dortmunder. We… we e-mailed about my [he pats a case that sits on the seat next to him] family heirloom.

DEAN: Hey, Winona. The '90s called. They'd like their shoes back.

SMASH: Shh.

SAM: Clear.

SAM: Dean?

DEAN: Yeah?

SAM: Don't get dead.

DEAN: You, too. [To Smash] Let's go.

SMASH: Ahh.

DEAN: You're weird. That Nerve Damage? Ha! I used to live on that crap when I was a kid. It's, like, 10 times the legal limit of caffeine, right? Didn't know they made that anymore.

SMASH: eBay.

DEAN: Wow… So, safecrackng.

SMASH: So, hunting.

DEAN: You know, I probably don't have to tell you this, but working for demons is not a smart idea.

SMASH: You're working for demons.

DEAN: Yeah, well, I don't really have a choice.

SMASH: Same.

DEAN: You get in some kind of trouble or somethin'?

SMASH: How long does a demon summoning spell take?

GRAB: Cool.

DEAN: All right, so where's this vault room?

GRAB: Don't know.

DEAN: Y…

GRAB: It's hidden under a cloaking spell.

DEAN: Awesome.

GRAB: Don't worry, Chief. I got this. Or should I say… you got this.

DEAN: Me?

GRAB: Your blood, it's like a dowsing rod. The vault wants it. You have it. Like attracts like, comprende?

DEAN: Wait, so you're saying that I'm some sort of a vault compass?

GRAB: [looking at Smash] Oh. You said he was just a pretty face.

SMASH: Shh.

DEAN: Okay, what now?

GRAB: This. Sanguis infernus, anima nunc. Viam manifesta. Sanguis inferne, viam ostende.

DEAN: [Grunts] Ah! [Dean loses control of his arm as it becomes the compass and starts throwing him around until he is pointing in the right direction] Dude! What! Awesome.

GRAB: I guess we gotta go that way.

LUTHER SHRIKE: Homemade gin. It'll blow your whistle.

SAM: Homemade?

LUTHER SHRIKE: I don't get out much.

SAM: Mm. Um [Drinking, then clearing throat] I gotta say, you have a very impressive collection.

LUTHER SHRIKE: Ever seen a "fang of the Basilisk"?

SAM: Actually, that's not, um… So, whoever sold you this to you had it wrong. Uh, basilisk fangs are hollow. This is actually a Gorgon tooth. It's still really cool, though. You know, I would love to see more of your collection.

LUTHER: Let's stick to business. What you got?

SAM: Of course. Um, okay. So, what I brought today is very special. It's very rare. It's one-of-a-kind.

Sam opens the box to reveal Ruby's Kn*fe.

SAM: A Kn*fe that can k*ll demons.

DEAN: I hate this. I hate this! I hate you!

GRAB: No one cares.

DEAN: How much longer?

GRAB: Takes as long as it takes.

DEAN: Okay, well, if something happens to my brother while we're out here dealing with this crap…

GRAB: Hey, a little respect? It took years to perfect that spell.
If your brother's too stupid to do his part, then that's on him.

DEAN: What'd you say? [Dean grunts, as the compass in his arm pulls him off balance] Son of a bitch.

DEAN: Oh, no lock. Well, that's never a good sign.

SMASH: Vault's gotta be down there.

GRAB: Oh, I'm not going down there. I've already done my bit. This is on you, hand puppet.

DEAN: I will k*ll you.

GRAB: I bet you say that to all the girls.

DEAN: All right. This is the vault room. Where's the safe?

SMASH: Behind that door.

DEAN: And I'm supposed to use my blood how?

SMASH: I think you're supposed to put your paw in there.

DEAN: What, are you kidding me?

LUTHER SHRIKE: So, what's your price?

SAM: Uh, you know, what we agreed to in the e-mail is… is fine.

LUTHER SHRIKE: Of course. [He reaches into a drawer and pulls out some cash.

LUTHER SHRIKE: But, uh we both know you're not really here for this.

SAM: Sorry? I… I don't understand.

LUTHER SHRIKE: Bart sent you.

SAM: Huh?

LUTHER SHRIKE: You're here to rob me, right?

SAM: No, no, no. You got it wrong.

LUTHER SHRIKE: I don't think so, demon.

LUTHER SHRIKE: You're the distraction, right? Got your friends out there, stripping me blind as we speak.

LUTHER SHRIKE: Bart didn't tell you? As long as I'm on the property, I can't die.

DEAN: I mean, there could be anything in there. Anything, right? There could be spiders. There could be the spiny blade thing… Snakes. Spiders. You don't even know, do you? Correct.

DEAN: I… how about this? What if I cut myself, put it on, like, a little piece of paper? We'll just wad it up and throw it in the mouth, okay? Okay. [Whispers] Yeah. Going in. Do it.

DEAN: Oh. Eh.

DEAN: Gah! Aah! Ah!

DEAN: Huh! It got me! It…

SMASH: You gonna live?

DEAN: Ow.

SMASH: What the hell was that?

DEAN: The curveball.

GRAB: [calling from outside the room] Yo! How's it goin'?

DEAN: Did Bart mention anything to you about this?

SMASH: No.

DEAN: Super.

GRAB [calling again] Really? Not gonna answer? Just ignore ol' Grab.
Typical.

DEAN: There was supposed to be a safe, not some Dollar Store Indiana Jones crap!

SMASH: Dean.

DEAN: What? [He turns to see Luther in the room with them] Son of a bitch.

DEAN: Awesome. My brother, where is he?

LUTHER SHRIKE: Alive, far as I left him. Thought he was a demon. Guess Bart's got humans doing his dirty work now.

DEAN: Mm. [Cocks g*n] Well, looks like g*n beats Kn*fe, so how about you hand over the safe, and then we'll all be home in time to watch Game of Thrones.

LUTHER SHRIKE: I'm more of a book guy.

SAM: Dean! He's immortal!

DEAN: Well, good thing he's got a glass jaw.

DEAN: All right, jackass, this is how it's gonna go. You can tell us how to get past your little booby trap in here, and then you're safe, all right?

LUTHER SHRIKE: [Chuckles] Sorry, son. That riddle in there? You'll never cr*ck it. And if you try, you'll find yourself on the business end of a thousand tiny darts, each tipped with silver and filled with arsenic, holy water, and holy oil. Gentlemen, I wish you good fortune! [Laughs].

DEAN: And I wish you'd shut up.

BARTHAMUS: Where are you running off to?

SMASH: Everything went sideways. Grab is dead. The Winchesters, too, probably.

BARTHAMUS: And?

SMASH: And what? Job cancelled. Game over.

BARTHAMUS: Alice, just because I like you doesn't mean I'm willing to renegotiate the terms of your deal.

SMASH: So? I'll do another job. Whatever. I'll make it up to you. Just tell me what you want me to do.

BARTHAMUS: Hmm.

DEAN: All right, so what are we looking at here? Some sort of an ancient hoodoo disco floor?

SAM: No, I… I think it's like a… like a giant keypad. Like we have to walk over the tiles in a very specific order… an order which only Shrike knows.

DEAN: Yeah, well, Shrike's not talking, so I guess we wing it.

SAM: Wing it? [Scoffs] Dean, these… these aren't like the lasers in Entrapment. There are infinite possible combinations [Sighs] and pressure-released darts.

DEAN: Did you just say "Entrapment"?

SAM: I don't know. I mean, I don't… I don't watch a whole lot of those kinds of movies.

DEAN: Yeah, but you saw Entrapment?

SAM: Catherine Zeta Jones.

SAM: I think I just… Yeah. I just got an idea, but it's a little crazy.

DEAN: I'm good with crazy.

DEAN: I told you, you'd help. [to Sam] Ready?

SAM: On three. One, two…

DEAN: That was awesome!

DEAN: All right, Shrike's all tied back up. Man, is he pissed.

SAM: [Chuckles] Yeah, wouldn't you be?

DEAN: How we lookin'? Can you open it?

SAM: [Scoffs] Dean, I bet no one's seen a safe like that in over a hundred years.

SMASH: I have.

DEAN: Oh. Look who decided to show. Why'd you cottontail?

SMASH: You think I wanna be here? Like I have a choice?

SAM: You made a deal.

SMASH: Wow! You think?

SAM: You sold your soul.

SMASH: And if I could take it back, I would. But sorry, Charlie. I can't. So here I am. And as long as I keep working for him, Bart never collects. So, you gonna let me do my thing or what?

SAM: Look, it doesn't have to be that way.

DEAN: You know, we could help you.

SMASH: No, you can't. I gotta take care of me.

Smash goes up to the safe, using a stethoscope to listen to the clicking of the dial.

DEAN: How long does this usually…

SMASH: Shh!

SMASH: Ta-da! Let's go?!

DEAN: Yeah.

SAM: Oh, great.

DEAN: Who cares? Let's blow this pop stand.

DEAN: You wanna handle this?!

SAM: On it! [Cocks g*n]

SAM: Get out of the truck! Don't try anything funny. Get out!

LUTHER SHRIKE: It make you feel good, whoring yourselves out to pure evil? Because that's what he is. What he did to me, my little boy…

SAM: What are you talking about?

LUTHER SHRIKE: My son. He was sick, dying. So I found Bart and I traded my life for his. My boy got better, but then a few years later, he d*ed anyway. He drowned. You know what Bart told me then? He said, "Accidents happen," that he "couldn't be held responsible."

SAM: So, what did you do?

LUTHER SHRIKE: When the hounds came and dragged me to Hell, I negotiated a new deal.

SAM: How?

LUTHER SHRIKE: Leverage.

DEAN: What kind of leverage?

LUTHER SHRIKE: Look in the trunk.

LUTHER SHRIKE: Bart's bones. You burn them, he dies. That's my leverage. You're on the wrong side of this, boys. You gotta ask yourselves if you can live with that.

BARTHAMUS: Luther. You never should've left the house. Trust me, he had it coming.

DEAN: You let his son die.

BARTHAMUS: Well, he didn't read the fine print, and I am a businessman.
Speaking of which, Alice. Little something for a job well done. Don't be shy. Come on. Yeah. And for you boys... The spell. You earned it.

DEAN: Sam?

SAM: No.

BARTHAMUS: Let me see if I understand. You two do-gooding idiots are willing to welch on our deal, throw away the only chance you have at finding your boy, because I k*lled a 200-year-old blackmailing piece of garbage? Is that it?

DEAN: Yeah, that, and we just don't like you.

BARTHAMUS: Huh. Time to re-open negotiations, shall we?

BARTHAMUS: Give me my bones, and the girl lives. Or try to burn them, and the moment before I die, I'll snap her neck like kindling. It's amazing what I can do in a half-second's time.

SMASH: [crying softly] Please.

DEAN: Okay.

BARTHAMUS: Slide it out, please.

BARTHAMUS: [to Smash] My dear. You're all right. [he points towards box] Would you mind?

BARTHAMUS: You could've had this. It was almost all yours. But no, you just couldn't make it easy, could you?

SMASH: [her voice breaking] I'm sorry.

DEAN: It's all right. You gotta take care of you.

BARTHAMUS: Right? Sweet, really.

DEAN: Take care of you.

BARTHAMUS: Alice, chop chop! [Bart indicates she should get his bones].

SMASH: Yeah.

DEAN: The spell! The spell!

SMASH: Thanks for the ride.

SAM: You gonna be okay?

SMASH: Yeah. I'm gonna be good. Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. What you did for me you didn't have to do that. Thank you, seriously.
See ya around.

DEAN: Hey, Alice. Stay weird.

SMASH: Yeah.
Smash pokes her tongue out and smiles, as the bus door closes. Dean laughs and Sam smiles. The bus departs.

DEAN: You okay?

SAM: Yeah, not really. Not exactly the best day, you know?

DEAN: Well, it's not the worst. We did save somebody. That felt good.

SAM: Yeah. Yeah, it did. But… [Sighs] back to square one with Jack.

DEAN: We'll figure something else out. And if that doesn't work, then we'll move on to next, and then whatever's after that. We just keep working, 'cause it's what we do.

SAM: It feels really good to hear you talk like that again.

DEAN: I'll drink to that.

[Bottles click]