09x01 - Don Juan In Hell

[bunniefuu]

[N.B. The title of this episode is based on a title card from Episode
5.19, "Frasier Gotta Have It"]

PROLOGUE

PREVIOUSLY ON FRASIER


Scenes From "Cranes Go Caribbean"

Claire and Frasier in their hotel room:

Claire: I'm crazy about you. I just started to feel like you didn't
want to be here with me.
Frasier: Oh gosh, nothing could be further from the truth.

They hug.

CUT TO:

Frasier and Claire in bed together:

Frasier: I'll tell you something else. I'm happy.

He rolls over in bed. The woman next to him rolls over -
it is now Lana.

Lana: I'm glad, Frasier. I'm happy, too.

They kiss and embrace.

CUT TO:

Frasier on the phone in the hotel lobby:

Frasier: I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, Claire - a woman who, by
all conventional measures, is "perfect" for me. And yet
I've just had a vivid, sexual dream about someone who
differs from her entirely. [ ] It's a woman named Lana...

FADE TO:

ACT ONE

HELL ON WHEELS


Scene One - Frasier's BMW
Frasier is driving along a country road. Seated beside and in back
of him, respectively, are Lilith and Diane.

Diane: Excuse me, but why do I have to sit in the back seat?
Seriously, my legs are starting to cramp back here-
Lilith: Seriously, why is she here at all?
Diane: I have just as much right to be here as you!
Lilith: "Here" doesn't mean the front seat!
Frasier: All right, listen, ladies, we've got about an hour to go.
I would like to have a little quiet, I'm going to turn on
some music.

Frasier turns on an opera station.

FADE TO:

ONE WEEK EARLIER
IN BELIZE


Scene Two - Hotel Restaurant
Martin, Daphne, and Claire are eating brunch together.

Niles joins them. He is now sporting a bushy goatee.

[N.B. Odd, in light of Niles's past comic attempts to grow a mustache.
See [4.22], "Are You Being Served?" and [6.20], "Dr. Nora."]

Niles: Morning, g*ng. [they all ad-lib hellos]
Daphne: How's my natural man?
Niles: Mmm, as hungry as I am hairy. [kisses her]
Claire: No kidding, that goatee sure came in fast.
Niles: I know. I credit the hothouse atmosphere of this tropical
paradise – that and our nearly constant nudity. [Daphne
chuckles] Gone is the citified dandy of just last week.
In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed
Dionysius, a lusty, insatiable - ooh, scones!

He takes one. A waiter brings a plate of pancakes for Claire.

Waiter: Here is your special order.
Claire: Thank you.
Martin: I'm starving. Claire and I have been up fishing since 5 A.M.
Daphne: You've already got more fish than we could eat in a year.
Martin: Well, we didn't just fish! We went for a swim, we explored
some caves, and watched a school of dolphins-
Claire: But the best part was when he taught me how to hypnotize a
lobster.
Daphne: You what?
Martin: It's all in the eyes.

He stares wide-eyed at Claire, then they both laugh.

Claire: Hey, Marty, try this. [offers a bite of pancake]
Martin: [eats it] Mmm, not bad! Hey Niles, try this pancake! Claire
had them crumble the bacon right into the batter.
Niles: Oh, I don't really like pancakes.
Martin: Well, that's 'cause you're used to Daphne's. Here.

Daphne looks wounded as Niles eats a bite.

Niles: Oh, those are magnificent!
Martin: Yeah! And Claire invented them!
Daphne: Yes, no doubt on the seventh day while You were resting.
[laughs]

Frasier joins them.

Frasier: Good morning, all. [everyone greets him]
Claire: Hello, my sweet darling man.
Frasier: [kisses her] Hello... kiddo.
Daphne: So, have they found your luggage yet, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: If they had, would I be wearing this shirt three days in a
row? Huh, fat chance.

A photographer comes over.

Photographer: Souvenir of your stay?
Martin: Oh, sure!
Frasier: By all means.
Martin: Yeah, this is a brunch to remember.
Niles: It's not a vacation until Dad takes a picture of one of
his meals.

They pose on one side of the table - Daphne with her arm around Niles,
Martin with his arm around Claire, Frasier hunching over them all.
The photographer takes the picture.

Frasier: Very good! Thank you very much, well done. [tips him]
Photographer: You can pick them up at the front desk.
Frasier: Thank you.
Claire: [gets up] Well, sorry to run off, but I have to finish
packing.
Frasier: Right.
Claire: I'll see you up at the room.
Frasier: OK.

They kiss, and Claire leaves. Everyone ad-libs goodbyes.
Frasier sits down.

Martin: Oh, she's a real find, Fras.
Frasier: Yes, she is, isn't she? [waves the photographer back]
Oh, excuse me?
Photographer: Yes?
Frasier: Do you think we could have another picture, of just the
family?
Photographer: No problem.
Frasier: Thank you.
Martin: Well, what about Claire? She's practically family.
Frasier: Oh, very much so, but there may come a time when...
say, she isn't.

They pose as before (minus Claire), and the photographer takes the
picture.

Frasier: Thank you again.
Martin: [checks his watch] Oh, hey! We better get going, Daph.
We got fish to pack! [he and Daphne get up] Oh, and I didn't
fillet 'em, because Claire said you can use the heads for
soup!
Daphne: Well, when I'm chopping them off, I'll be thinking of her.

They leave. Frasier sits next to Niles.

Frasier: Niles, listen, I didn't want to say anything in front of the
others, but I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Well,
it's not so much a quandary, really, it's more of, uh, a
pickle. Well, not so much a pickle, but well, but, no more
than a, a... a cornichon.
Niles: What is it?
Frasier: I think I want to be with Lana, not Claire.
Niles: Forgive me, Frasier, but that's one big-ass cornichon.
Frasier: I know, I know. I'm having a perfectly wonderful time with
Claire, it's just that my mind keeps drifting back to Lana.
Niles: For God's sake, why? She's loud, she's crass-
Frasier: Yes, yes, but she's also challenging, and sexy, and exciting.
I'm just afraid I may have let go of that too hastily.
Niles: Frasier, you do this every time. You are in a great
relationship with Claire. Don't overthink it. Embrace it.
Frasier: You're right, Niles. Thank you. Yes, I should just go with
it. Gosh, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know
why I keep insisting on overanalyzing everything.

SMASH CUT TO: Close-Up of Martin.

Martin: [whispering] Because you're crazy, that's why!

They are on the plane returning to Seattle. Frasier is sitting
across from Martin, Claire is asleep in the seat next to him.
Martin leans back to allow a woman to walk down the aisle, then
leans forward again.

Martin: Claire's perfect for you, but I like her too! How many
times does that happen?
Frasier: But what about Lana?
Martin: Oh, forget Lana! Stay with Claire. [stares at Frasier,
chanting] Stay-with-Claire. Stay-with-Claire.
Frasier: Dad, I am not a lobster. Of course I'm going to stay with
Claire. I was just going through some momentary doubts,
and I needed your guidance.
Martin: Well, glad you got what you needed.
Frasier: Thank you. I feel completely at ease now. No more doubts,
no more nagging questions. I'm just being a little overly
cautious, that's all.

SMASH CUT TO: C.U. of Daphne.

Daphne: Who could blame you?

She and Frasier are standing by the bathroom at the rear of the plane.

Daphne: I'm not sure about Claire either. God knows she has quite
the fan club around here, but I think you can do much better.
You'll know when you meet the right person. You feel it in
your gut.

Behind her, Niles rushes into the bathroom with a hand over his mouth.

Frasier: It's true. But you see, I don't want to feel like I'm
leading her on. Maybe I should just tell her what I'm
going through. You know, be completely honest.

SMASH CUT TO: C.U. of an Airport Maintenance Guy.

Guy: Whoa, that's just what you don't want to do.

The plane is now on the ground and empty, except for Frasier and the
Maintenance Guy.

Frasier: So, you vote for Claire?
Guy: I don't know. Lana has her good points. And don't
underestimate the crush you had on her in 11th grade.
But Claire can give you sophisticated conversation.
And she leaves a clean area!

He motions to Claire's seat, where the pillow and blanket are neatly
folded.

Guy: I don't envy you your choice. Lift your feet, please.

Frasier does, allowing the Maintenance Guy to vacuum the floor under them.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa
Roz is reading at a table. Niles, wearing shorts, a tropical shirt,
and his beard, gets his coffee from the counter.

Niles: Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?
Roz: [glances up, then checks her watch] Yes, it's- [double-take]
Niles?
Niles: [Jamaican accent] Ya, mon!
Roz: You look... did you get hit on the head by a coconut?
Niles: The coconut of revelation. I discovered a whole new side of
myself in Belize, and I'm not going to abandon Island Niles
just 'cause my vacation's over.
Roz: Well, Island Niles might want to rethink the short pants.
Niles: Island Niles would prefer not to wear pants at all. You
should have seen us, Roz - out in the elements, nothing on
our bodies but sunblock 120. It was exhilarating and primal,
and... frankly, it's disappointing to have to strap myself
back into these fabric shackles.
Roz: So you're going to be spending your time at the nude beach
now?
Niles: Seattle has a nude beach?
Roz: Well, not officially, but just south of Alki, there's this
little strip near the White House.
Niles: Thanks for the tip, Roz.
Roz: Here's another one: don't go on Thursdays, it's Senior
Volleyball Day.

Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Oh well, Roz, I see you've met Island Niles. At least he
did you the courtesy of putting a shirt on.
Niles: [proudly] I'm still not wearing underpants.

Niles makes the "Hang Loose" sign at Roz and leaves.

Frasier: [to the counter person] May I have a latte, please? [sits
down] Well, Roz, you'll be pleased to know I have come to
a decision: Claire it is; So long, Lana!
Roz: Are you sure?
Frasier: Trust me, Roz. The brain is racked, the soul is searched,
the window is closed. Claire in, Lana out.
Roz: I'm glad to hear it.
Frasier: Yes.

Lana and Kirby come into the Cafe.

Lana: Hey, Roz. Hi, Frasier.
Frasier: Lana, uh, hi, uh... hello.
Lana: Wow, you look great.
Frasier: Not as great as you do. I mean, thanks.
Kirby: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Kirby.
Kirby: It's been too long.
Roz: No, it hasn't.
Kirby: Or has it?
Roz: No.
Frasier: So, what brings you here?
Lana: Well, actually we just picked up the invitations for Kirby's
graduation party.
Frasier: Oh!
Lana: Roz, you're invited too. After all, you motivated Kirby to
study.
Roz: Well, no, Frasier was the one who helped him. I was just
his last-minute prom date.
Kirby: You were the prize that I kept my eyes on! And, uh, for
your FYI, I'm cool for hanging out, just as platatonic
friends, or whatever.
Lana: Um, Kirby, we should go if we're gonna pick up your inhaler.
Kirby: Thanks a lot, Mom! [to Roz] I only need it in the fall.
Lana: Well, we'll see you at the party.
Frasier: Right.
Lana: Hey, Frasier, don't you be a stranger.
Frasier: Oh, no, I-I won't. Uh, don't you be a stranger, either.
To me.

Lana looks confused, but she laughs it off. She and Kirby leave.

Roz: Let me guess: Lana in, Claire out.
Frasier: What, that? Oh, that was nothing. It's just, she merely
caught me off guard. Don't go reading anything into that.
Roz: OK, if you say so. [gets up] Listen, Frasier, I got to go.
Frasier: Oh, alright.
Roz: But let not... either us... be strangers... be.

She touches his shoulder flirtatiously and leaves. Frasier chafes.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Airport Storage Room
Frasier is standing at the counter. A luggage clerk hauls in a large
bag.

Clerk: Oh, I apologize for the inconvenience, but, uh, at least
there's a happy ending, right?
Frasier: [sarcastic] My suitcase is inside this to keep it safe?
Clerk: So...
Frasier: That is not my bag.
Clerk: Right. I'll keep looking.

He disappears to the back again. Another customer comes in.

Man: Have you been waiting here long?
Frasier: Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell –
a place where even despair dies. Prepare yourself for a
lifetime...
Man: Oh, here it is!
Frasier: Oh, well, how nice for you.

The man picks up one of two suitcases sitting by the counter.
He turns to go, but stops.

Man: Hey, you're Dr. Frasier Crane, aren't you? I'm a big fan!
Frasier: [shakes his hand] Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan.
Man: Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you give advice, you know, off the
clock?
Frasier: Well, this isn't really a good time.
Man: Well, because I've really gotten my life into a tangle.
Frasier: I'm sorry.
Man: No, but, you see, I'm torn between these two women!
Frasier: I'm listening.
Man: I'm with this woman, her name's Kathy, she's great. But the
only problem is, I can't stop thinking about my ex. I mean,
she was a real handful, but now that we're apart, I just
miss her like crazy.
Frasier: Of course you do! And no matter how hard you try to focus
on this new relationship, your mind keeps drifting back to
her.
Man: Exactly! I mean, I even have these, um...
Frasier: Dreams!
Man: Yes! Wow, you're good. What should I do?
Frasier: Well, what are you thinking of doing?
Man: Classic shrink response. Um, I'm thinking... do I really
want to break things off with this woman?
Frasier: Who you thought was so perfect for you.
Man: OK, but how perfect could she be if I'm obsessing about
another woman?
Frasier: That's the conundrum!
Man: I know, but am I sure enough to break her heart?
Frasier: Especially when the rest of the family just loved her.
Man: Yeah- no, they don't.
Frasier: Alright, stick with me, stick with me. It all boils down to
this: which of these two women do you see spending the rest
of your life with?
Man: Right. Right, of course. Well, I think it's pretty obvious
what I have to do. What a relief! Thanks, Doc.
[starts to leave]
Frasier: Wait, wait! Let's go back! Just so I'm sure you're sure-
Man: Yeah.
Frasier: Who are you picking?
Man: My ex! I mean, if I'm really honest with myself, she's the
one I love. As long as I stay with Kathy, I'm just being a
jerk.
Frasier: No, well, to be fair, you have struggled with these issues.
Man: No, I've really just been trying to have my cake and eat it
too. [shakes his hand] Thanks, Dr. Crane. I know what I
have to do now.

The Man leaves. Frasier seems to have made his decision.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Four - Apartment
Martin is finishing a sandwich in his Armchair. Daphne comes in the
door with the groceries.

Daphne: I'm sorry I'm a little late, I'll start your lunch right away.
Martin: Oh, no need. Claire made the best deviled ham sandwich in
the history of deviling.
Daphne: Oh, too bad. I missed her.
Martin: Mm, more good news! She's still here.

Claire comes out of the kitchen with another sandwich.

Claire: Here you go, Marty.
Martin: Oh, thanks, toots.
Daphne: Claire! I can't imagine you came all the way over here just
to make sandwiches.
Claire: Oh, no. Here, let me take those. [takes the groceries]
I'm making fish jerky. [heads back to the kitchen, but stops]
You know the secret to making fish jerky, don't you, Marty?
Martin: No idea.
Claire: Feed 'em coffee.
Martin: Feed 'em...? [laughs uproariously, Claire laughs with him]
That's terrific! You hear that, Daph?
Daphne: I'm standing right here.
Martin: Don't you love her laugh? It's like music.
Claire: Marty, you are just the sweetest! [goes to the kitchen]
Daphne: You used to think my accent sounded musical, didn't you...
Marty?
Martin: Yeah, but now I'm used to it.

Niles comes in the front - clean-shaven, wearing his traditional suit.

Niles: Afternoon, Daphne, Dad.
Martin: Niles.
Daphne: What happened to my noble savage?
Niles: [hangs up his coat] I'll tell you what happened. Roz told me
about this wonderful nude beach, so I went down there this
morning to check it out for us. Well, it was so peaceful I
decided to do my sunrise Tai Chi, have my naked body caressed
by the rosy fingers of the new dawn, you know?
Martin: Oh, jeez.

[N.B. Niles's last phrase is an oft-repeated line from Homer.]

Niles: Well, I left my clothing and my cares in the car, walked down
to the beach and settled in for my first exercise, "Grasping
the Bird's Tail."

He raises his arms in a martial arts pose. Daphne nods and mirrors
him.

Niles: Just at that moment, the sun peeked over the mountaintops,
illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for
the Christian Women's Society.
Martin: They went to a nude beach?
Niles: No, and neither did I. Uh, the next few minutes are a blur,
as I zig-zagged my way back to the car, while being pelted
with driftwood and Bibles. Needless to say, Island Niles
d*ed on that beach.

Daphne is trying hard not to laugh, but hugs him maternally.

Daphne: Oh, honey. Will he ever be back?
Niles: Maybe at Christmas.

Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Hello, all. [sees Niles] Oh, Niles, welcome back.

Claire emerges from the kitchen.

Claire: Hi, Frasier.
Frasier: Claire.
Claire: Did you get your luggage?
Frasier: Uh, no. They didn't have it. Uh, could I see you in the
kitchen for a minute?
Claire: Sure.

Frasier follows her into the kitchen.

Daphne: OK, Mr. Crane, it's time for your exercises.
Martin: Already did 'em.
Niles: When have you ever done your exercises before lunch?
Martin: Claire and I did 'em together. She has a way of making them
seem like fun!
Daphne: Yeah, well, if they're fun they're not really working, but
all right!
Martin: Actually, Claire says-
Daphne: Oh, shut up.

In the kitchen:

Claire: If we need privacy, it's either very good or very bad.
Frasier: Well, it's-it's not so good, I'm afraid. Uh, I realize this
is sudden. It's just that I've been tossing and turning for
the last several days, and I just can't keep going like this.
Claire: Well, what are you talking about?
Frasier: Well, Claire, I'm talking about... parting ways. I'm sorry.

She is heartbroken.

Claire: It's over? Just like that?
Frasier: Claire, I realize how painful this must be for you.

She kicks him in the right shin.

Frasier: Ow! You kicked me!
Claire: Well, you dumped me!

She storms out.

Frasier: I said I was sorry!

She rushes back in and kicks him in the right shin again.

Frasier: OW!

Reset to: Hallway
Niles and Daphne are standing outside the elevator in each other's
arms.

Niles: Well, I guess I'll go home and take down the hammock. I love
you, darling. [kisses her]
Daphne: I love you, too.

As Niles steps onto the elevator, his cell phone rings.

Niles: Hello? Hello, Roz. The wrong beach, really? Thanks for the
warning, that would have been embarrassing.

The elevator doors close. As Daphne stands there shaking her head,
Claire comes out and tearfully pushes the button.

Daphne: Well, see you later.
Claire: Well, actually you won't. Frasier just dumped me.
Daphne: What? What happened?
Claire: I honestly don't know! I was having such a good time, and...
now I'm out here. I-I don't even know what went wrong!

As she starts to sob, Daphne feels no impulse to hug her, but leans
forward sympathetically.

Daphne: Oh, um, I'm sorry.
Claire: I really liked him. I liked all of you so much. I was
starting to feel like part of the family. I was... hoping
we'd end up like sisters.
Daphne: Sisters?
Claire: I never had a sister, [voice breaks] just brothers.
Daphne: [voice breaks] Same here!

They hug each other, sobbing.

Reset to: Living Room
Frasier limps out of the kitchen.

Martin: What the hell happened? Claire just ran out of here without
even saying goodbye.
Frasier: We broke up.
Martin: What?!
Frasier: Well, I broke up with her.
Martin: You are a piece of work, aren't you? You just couldn't
stand a good thing, could you? I bet you were planning on
this since Belize.
Frasier: I have not!
Martin: Ah, don't give me that. You did the same thing you always
do: you go around asking everybody's advice, then you just
do whatever the hell you want - and it's usually wrong, by
the way!
Frasier: Look, I was just being true to my feelings, Dad. There's no
reason to be mad at me.
Martin: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I knew this was
coming and I let myself get attached.

Daphne re-enters.

Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Dad. Claire's great, it's just she's not the
right person for me. Daphne knows! [to her] Will you tell him?

Daphne kicks him in the right shin and storms to her room.

Frasier: OW! Would you people stop doing that!

FADE TO:

CHEESE AND SYMPATHY


Scene Five - Lana's House
Lana opens the door to Frasier and Roz, bearing gifts.

Lana: Oh, come in! [sees gifts] Oh, you didn't have to do this!
Roz: [as she takes them, to Frasier] Told you.

They come in. The room is occupied by Kirby and a group of his high
school friends.

Frasier: I sense a scholar in our midst! [shakes Kirby's hand] Ha-ha,
congratulations, Kirby! Let's see the sheepskin!
Kirby: Dude! Wait until the party gets going a little.
Frasier: [trades a look with Roz, then] Good thinking. I'll just,
uh, see what your mother's doing. [goes to kitchen]
Kirby: Hi, Roz.
Roz: Kirby.
Kirby: Got our prom pictures back.

He takes them out and stands next to her to show them.

Kirby: I had them retouched a little. You're smiling in them now.
Roz: [looking at the pictures] I notice you also have your hand on
my ass.
Kirby: Where? Oh, you mean now. Do you not like it?

In the kitchen, Frasier and Lana are spreading spray cheese on crackers.

Frasier: You know, I'm having a devil of a time with this cheese can.
Lana: Just hold the nozzle close to the cr*cker so you make a
little flower, like this. [does] Here, try one. [feeds him
the cr*cker]
Frasier: Mmm, well, I can honestly say that is the best canned cheese
I've ever had. [they laugh] Lana, listen, there's something
I'd like to talk with you about.
Lana: If this is about Claire, I already know.
Frasier: Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, it's just I-
Lana: Frasier-
Frasier: She's a perfectly wonderful girl-
Lana: You don't have to explain it to me. I mean, sometimes you
just don't feel it. That's OK.
Frasier: Really? I thought you'd be mad at me.
Lana: Well, why would I be mad? I mean, it's not like I get a
commission on every match I make. [laughs]
Frasier: So, we're OK?
Lana: Well, sure we're OK. We're better than OK.
Frasier: Right. Better than OK.

He is about to make his move, when...

Girl: [o.s.] You total slut!
Frasier: Oh. Oh no, Roz. Uh... [gets up]

He goes out into the living room, and sees Kirby being braced by his
ex-girlfriend, Kristi, who has just arrived with one of her friends.

Kristi: You told me not to come because this was just gonna be some
boring party with your mom's friends!
Kirby: Roz is my mom's friend!
Kristi: She was your prom date!
Kirby: ...Damn, baby, why you got to be this way? I'm trying to
show you respect by keeping you from seeing my other lady!
Roz: I was never his lady!
Kirby: Damn, baby, that's cold.
Kristi: She's old enough to be your mother practically!
Roz: Damn, baby, now THAT'S cold.
Kristi: Whatever!

Kristi and her friend storm out.

Kirby: Wow. That did not go so great.
Frasier: Well, those things rarely do, Kirby.

The door opens again - this time it is the Man from the Airport (Bob).

Bob: Hey, buddy!
Kirby: Dad, you're here!
Bob: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for anything! [hugs his son] Where's
Mom? I really need to talk to her.
Kirby: I'll go get her. [exits]
Bob: [sees Frasier] Wow, small world! What are you doing here?

Frasier, hoist with his own petard, is speechless.

END OF ACT TWO