09x05 - Love Stinks

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa

Fade in. Niles is sitting at a table, Frasier is ordering at the
counter.

Frasier: Cranberry muffin, please. And, uh... a vanilla latte.
Niles: Oh, dear, comfort food. What happened?

Frasier sits.

Frasier: Niles? Do you think I'm elitist?
Niles: Of course I do. You needn't worry about that.
Frasier: No, not in the good way. At work today, I discovered an
injurious graffito about me. Scrawled on the men's room
wall.
Niles: No.

Frasier pulls a piece of toilet paper from his pocket to read from.

Frasier: Yes. Quote:
There once was a man, Frasier Crane,
Who says he can feel your pain.
But he acts like a snob,
To the guys at his job,
And I think he's totally lame.
Niles: That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate
rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired...
Frasier: Niles, you're missing the point! I have always striven to
be approachable, the embodiment of the words "If you can talk
with crowds and keep your virtue..."
Niles: "Or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch."
Frasier: Exactly!

The waiter brings Frasier's coffee and muffin.

Frasier: Thank you. If maligner truly knew who I was, he'd have found
that a more apt characterization than "snob."
Niles: Assuming he's familiar with Kipling.

They snicker.

Frasier: What are the odds?

Roz stops in the doorway to kiss her boyfriend goodbye before he heads
off.

Frasier: Well, Roz. I'd ask you to join us, but I see you've already
had happy hour. Well, here, please, join us.

They rise and make room for her and they all sit.

Frasier: So?
Roz: Well, his name is Roger, and we've been kinda goin' out for
the last couple of weeks.
Frasier: All right, tell us about him.
Roz: He's very sweet - and he's a garbage man, so go ahead and make
your jokes.
Frasier: What jokes? Why does everyone assume I look down on the
common man?
Niles: Oh, I've got a good one: So, even in his off time, he's
taking out the trash.

Roz laughs along with him.

Frasier: Technically, that's really more about Roz. Now if I were to
make a joke about him, which of course I wouldn't, I'd say
he has a thing for Roz's can.
Roz: You two finished?

They nod as she gets up.

Roz: And don't worry, I won't get dumped.

She turns and goes to the counter.

Niles: I'd already passed on that.
Frasier: Yes, it's a bit on the nose.

They laugh. FADE OUT.

HE KICKED SPASSKY'S
BUTT IN REYKJAVIK


Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment

Fade in. Daphne and Martin are in the living room, going through
boxes. Niles comes in the front door.

Niles: Dad, Daphne.
Daphne: Hey. [she holds up a photo] Look what your father found:
a picture of you in a teddy bear costume.
Niles: Why do you have all this out?
Martin: Well, I was makin' room in the storage closet and I found some
of your old stuff.
Niles: What else is in here?
Martin: Well, here's your cap and your blazer from Bryce academy.

Niles sits next to Daphne.

Daphne: Oh, I bet you were the cutest thing in that.
Niles: Oh, well, here's a picture of me in it.
Daphne: [a bit flat] Oh.
Niles: [picking up a plaque] Oh, oh, oh, oh. Bobby Fisher's
autograph.
Martin: Well, son, it's been enough years, I can probably tell you the
truth about that.
Niles: [holding the plaque to his chest proudly] What?
Martin: [covering] Oh, look! A picture of you in your first little
league uniform. [wistfully] Don't know why I said "first."
Daphne: [taking it] Was that your game face?
Niles: Oh, no, no. I'd just lost a tooth to an errant pitch.
Martin: Tell her who was pitchin'.
Niles: I was.

Daphne puts her arm around him to comfort him and kisses his cheek.
FADE OUT.

Scene 3 - KACL

Fade in. Frasier is sitting at his desk, Roz comes in with a
bouquet.

Frasier: Flowers from your new beau?
Roz: Yeah.

She carries them over to her side.

Frasier: Must be nice to be liked.
Roz: [coming back] Are you still obsessing over that limerick?
Frasier: People are making additions. Good lord, I've read anthologies
with fewer contributing authors.
Roz: I'm sure they'll all wash right off.
Frasier: If only there were a solvent that could remove the stains
they've left on my spirit.

Roz heads back to her side.

Roz: It was a joke. What's the big deal?
Frasier: [following] Oh, yes, I know. Being written up on the bathroom
wall is no big deal to you. But that limerick made a point,
as all good limericks do. It seems to have resonated with
everyone around here. I want these people to know the real
Frasier Crane.
Roz: Wouldn't it be better if you tried to make them like you?
Frasier: Yes. And to that end I was thinking along the lines of... oh,
say a little party. For the entire staff, at my place. Hey,
you could bring Roger!
Roz: Thanks. But I think it's a little too soon. I don't want
to put any pressure on him.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz. You're always saying you don't have a date
for these things.
Roz: There's gonna be a lotta radio talk, and I'm not sure he's
gonna be that comfortable with this crowd.
Frasier: Who is? Come on, Roz, I'd like to meet him.
Roz: I don't know. Maybe next party.
Frasier: Does this have anything to do with his occupation, you know,
his being a refuse collector?
Roz: No, I am completely comfortable with his job. I just don't
want him to feel awkward around other people.
Frasier: Okay.
Roz: Not that he should. Or would.
Frasier: Yes, all right, fine, fine. If you change your mind, he's
more than welcome. It promises to be a real wing-ding. If
being a snob is the reputation I've built around here, then
this party will be the wrecking ball of congeniality that
tears it down.
Roz: Yeah, say stuff like that.

Getting her point, he smirks and heads back to his side. FADE OUT.

Scene 4 - Roz's Apartment

Fade in. Roger comes in the front, carrying Alice and roller blades.

[N.B. The first appearance of Ashley Thomas as Alice May Doyle.]

Roger: Say "Come on, Mom."
Alice: Come on, Mom.
Roger: Say "Don't be a wuss."
Alice: Don't be a wuss.

Roz comes in.

Roz: I'm not a wuss.

Roger puts Alice down and collapses next to her.

Roger: Ohh, I know you said you were gonna make dinner, but why not
just open a can of something?
Roz: How'd you think I was gonna make dinner? Alice, go pick out
some PJs.
Roger: [pulling a book from his backpack] When you're ready, I've got
a special book for you. It's called "Make Room for Monkeys."
Now hurry up, get outta here, go on.

Alice hurries off. Roz picks the book up and sits down.

Roz: "Make Room for Monkeys"? Where did you find this? You know
it's out of print.
Roger: Yeah, well, a certain very bad skater told me it was her
favorite book when she was growing up, so I kept my eyes
open and I found it in a pile of old books.
Roz: [nervously] You mean like at the dump?
Roger: No, not a dump! Please, it's a secret underground landfill
accessible only to garbage men. And the Mole People who live
there. I used to be one of them, but then I decided to join
the surface dwellers and find my queen.

Roz kisses him and leans against him.

Roz: Thank you. That's very thoughtful.
Roger: And you will make an excellent Mole Queen. Of course, after
a year underground, your eyes will fuse shut. Your sense of
smell will stick around...
Roz: Okay, stop, stop, stop. Do you joke around about your career
because you're uncomfortable talking about it?
Roger: You mean deeply and utterly ashamed?
Roz: Whatever, your words.
Roger: I don't know, I've never really thought about it as a career.
I mean, it's just a job to me. You know, it's got great
benefits, and afternoons off and... when I have a family,
I'll get to spend a lot of time with them. How sweet will
that be?
Roz: Would you like to go to a party with me on Saturday?
Roger: I'd love to. I found a great pair of shoes this morning.
They damn near match.

She slaps him playfully and leans back against him. FADE OUT.

Scene 5 - Frasier's Apartment

Fade in. The staff of KACL is at the party and Frasier is greeting
newcomers at the door.

Frasier: Good to see you, glad you could come, make yourselves at home.

Martin comes over.

Martin: Hey, Fras, why don't you introduce me some of your friends?
Frasier: I wish I could, Dad. I don't know any of these people myself.
Martin: You don't? I better go hide my beer in the crisper.

He heads to the kitchen as one of the employees walks up.

Jason: Hey, Frasier, thanks for inviting me to your party.
Frasier: Well, it's my pleasure... man.
Jason: Did you see the game today?
Frasier: Actually, I did not.
Jason: Aw, man, it was a real squeaker. U-Dub pulled it out at the
end with a last minute field goal. It's all about special
teams, am I right?
Frasier: Ah, right. You know, I think they prefer the term
"challenged."

The employee looks confused as Frasier notices Roz at the door.

Frasier: Roz, Roz! Come on in, Good to see you. And you must be
Roger.
Roger: Yeah.
Frasier: Lovely to meet you.
Roger: Hey, Jason.
Frasier: Right. Jason, this is Roger. Yeah, the ol' J-man here and
I were just sh**t' the breeze, ya know. This guy. Okay,
so enjoy yourself there. [He turns to Roz as Jason heads
away.] So, Roz um... Roger, do you suppose I could borrow
Roz for just one minute?
Roger: Yeah.
Frasier: Thank you so much.

He pulls Roz aside.

Frasier: Roz, please, don't leave me alone here, I don't know any of
these people's names.
Roz: Frasier, I can't leave Roger alone in a room full of nosey
strangers.
Frasier: Oh, look, look, he's already met Dad. He knows as many
people as I do.
Roz: I'm sorry. You're gonna have to find yourself another patsy.

She walks away.

Frasier: Well where the hell am I supposed to find another... [noticing]
...Kenny!

CUT TO: Roz as she walks by Martin's chair. Noel is sitting in it
and gets up.

Noel: Hey Roz! Lookin' su-weet!
Roz: Hey, Noel.
Noel: So, that's the competition? Or, are you just using him to
make me jealous?
Roz: Actually, I forgot you were gonna be here.
Noel: I'll bet you regret bringing the arm candy now. So, uh,
what's he do?
Roz: He... works for the city.
Noel: So, in a manner of speaking, I pay his salary. Which makes me
his boss. Does that turn you on?

Roz turns away with a very disturbed look. She goes up to Roger.

Roz: Roger, would you like something to drink?
Roger: Yeah, I'll come with you. Nice meeting you, Martin.

They head for the drinks table and meet up with another worker,
Cheryl.

Cheryl: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Cheryl.
Cheryl: Introduce me to your friend.
Roz: Roger, this is Cheryl.
Roger: Hey, Cheryl, how you doing?
Cheryl: Hi, nice to meet you. I think I know you from somewhere.
Roger: Yeah? Maybe I work in your neighborhood.
Cheryl: Oh, what do you do?
Roz: What doesn't he do? He sends me flowers and gives me massages
and he's just great.
Cheryl: Really? You know she has a kid, right?
Roz: Okay, Cheryl!

Cheryl takes the hint and walks away.

Roger: So, uh, why didn't you tell her what I do?
Roz: And have her stalking you at work? I don't think so.

CUT TO: Frasier talking to some guests, Dennis and Emily. Emily is
a bit overweight. Kenny is behind him, whispering names.

Dennis: Great party, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks. Glad you could come...
Kenny: Dennis.
Frasier: Dennis. You too...
Kenny: Emily.
Frasier: Emily. Say, when are you expecting?
Kenny: NNNOOO!
Frasier: ...this weather to change?

CUT TO: Noel meeting up with Roger.

Noel: Well, you're not the first rustler who's tried to cut my filly
from the herd.

Roger looks very confused.

CUT TO: Frasier talking to Dennis and Emily.

Frasier: So, did you guys happen to see the game today?
Dennis: No, I missed that. Who won?

Martin walks up behind him.

Frasier: Actually, it was a real squeaker. U-Dub pulled it out at the
last second with a real clutch field goal. Say Dad, what's
goin' on?
Martin: I don't know.

CUT TO: Kenny talking to Roger.

Kenny: Yeah, the station manager's sort of the head honcho. You know,
the go-to guy. You could replace virtually everybody at the
station except for me. [he notices Roz behind him] And Roz!
So, uh, what do you do?
Roger: I'm a...
Roz: Roger, could you please get me a sandwich?
Roger: Yeah, okay.
Kenny: So I take it handsome's not in the biz, huh? So, what's he do?
Roz: What difference does it make Kenny? Why are people so obsessed
with what you do? Every party you ever go to, all anyone ever
asks you is "What do you do?" "What do you do?"

Roger returns behind her.

Roz: You know, not everyone has a job they're proud of, did you ever
think of that? Why can't you ask him about music or sports or
books, for God's sake. "Have you read a good book, lately?"
Why don't you ask him that instead of embarrassing everybody.
Roger: Here's your sandwich, Roz.
Kenny: So, have you read any good books lately?
Roger: No, actually, us garbage men don't have a lot of time to read
books. We've gotta get up pretty early in the morning, so I
guess I'd better get out of here. Bye, Roz.

He heads for the door.

Roger: Hey, Frasier, thanks a lot.
Frasier: Right.
Roger: It was really nice meeting everyone.

He heads out.

Frasier: [calling] Goodbye.
Kenny: [whispering] Roger!
Frasier: I know that.

FADE OUT.

End of Act 1

Act 2

LOVE STINKS


Scene 1 - KACL

Fade in. Roz is at her desk, Frasier in the hallway behind her.

Dennis: Hey! Crane man!
Frasier: Dennis, Lisa. Hi. Patty, lookin' good.

He chuckles as he comes in and closes the door.

Frasier: k*ll me.
Roz: What are you talking about? You're Mr. Popularity.
Frasier: Yes. And it's a living hell. I have spent the entire
morning exchanging fake pleasantries with a bunch of people
that I have absolutely nothing in common with. I miss being
unapproachable.
Roz: I thought you wanted to be loved by the common man.
Frasier: Yes, but couldn't they have sent just one representative?

He heads for his side of the booth. Roz follows, but stops to stare
out the window at a janitor emptying a waste basket.

Frasier: Roz?
Roz: I'm sorry. Ever since Roger and I broke up, I can't look at
trash the same way.
Frasier: Do you want to talk about it?
Roz: No, it's okay. It's just so weird. You go through life
meeting people who are all the same, you know. And they
just think you're the same, too. And then one day, you
meet this guy, but he's not the same, because he actually
sees that you're not the same. And he knows, because he's
the same way.
Frasier: Roz, sounds to me like you're in love.
Roz: I can't be. I know this is shallow and I hate myself for it,
but I can't be in love with a garbage man.
Frasier: Well, then, you need to move on and realize that you've learned
something about yourself.
Roz: Great. I learned that I'm a snob.
Frasier: No, no. Just that you have certain standards that it may be
difficult for others to live up to. You know, Roz, it seems
you and I are more alike than we thought.
Roz: Okay, now I'm really miserable. Look at me, I'm a mess.
Frasier: Well, tell you what, we've got a few minutes before the show
starts, just go clean yourself up.
Roz: Okay. Thanks.

She heads out. Jason, Noel and another worker come in the other door.

Jason: Hey, hey.
Noel: Dr. Crane, what's goin' on?
Frasier: Uh, my show, actually, in about two minutes. What can I do
for you gentlemen?
Jason: Sue invited us all over to watch the fight on pay per view.
Frasier: Right. Well, as tempting as that sounds, I'm going to have
to decline.
Jason: Okay, we'll catch you next time.
Frasier: Well, actually, you won't. Jason, Noel... you there. I've
been living a lie. Let me tell you a little something about
a few things I don't like: Boxing for one. Sporting events
of any kind. Barbecues, office parties, buddy movies. Any
dish made with marshmallows. Things that I DO like: the
opera, the symphony, Elizabethan revenge dramas et cetera.
So, if you're not inclined toward any of these interests,
well, then, our association can be civil at best. Are we all
clear on this concept?

They turn away.

Noel: I told you.

The three leave the booth, muttering. Frasier sits at his desk with
a self-satisfied look. FADE OUT.

Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment

Daphne is going through some boxes again and Martin is reading the
paper. Niles comes in.

Niles: Hey, what's going on?
Daphne: I found another box of pictures from your childhood.
Niles: Oh, no.
Daphne: Oh, look at this one, you're adorable.
Niles: Yes, it's all adorable. My retainer and the membership card
to the young magician's club and that picture of me in my
choo-choo jammies.
Martin: Yeah, with your caboose hangin' out.
Daphne: Adorable.
Niles: Can we just give my childhood a rest for a while? I mean, how
would you feel if I took your most humiliating moments and put
them on display?
Daphne: You know, I think I've got the perfect picture frame for this
one.

She heads off to her room, Niles sits on the couch.

Martin: So she puts a few pictures out, what's the big deal? There's
a whole part of your life she missed out on.
Niles: I guess.
Martin: Besides, I like seein' your old stuff.

He pulls a piece of paper from the coffee table.

Martin: Ah, no one around here draws pictures any more. What the hell
is this supposed to be, anyway?
Niles: [coming over to him] Oh! That is an Egyptian battle scene
from �Aida.� That's Radames and that's the jealous Amneris...
Oh, I misspelled "Amonasro." Oh, to be six again.

Martin gets up and heads for the kitchen as Daphne returns carrying
a box.

Niles: Oh, what is that?
Daphne: Some things from my childhood. You asked how I'd feel if the
shoe was on the other foot, go ahead, take a look.

Niles pulls a drawing from the box.

Niles: Okay. Ooh, well, that's a wonderful drawing of a... uh...
turtle.
Daphne: No, that's me Dad crawling home from the pub.
Niles: Well why did you sign it "Dappy"?
Daphne: Oh, me Mum did that. My family called me "Dappy" because I
couldn't say "Daphne."
Niles: Really?
Daphne: Yeah, I hated it. My brothers would sing "Dappy, Dappy, wet
her nappy."
Niles: Well, I think it's precious... Dappy. I'm gonna call you that
from now on... Dappy.
Daphne: No you won't.
Niles: Well, how about I call you "Dappy" until you put my mementos
back in the box. How does that sound, Dappy?
Daphne: Well, that's not fair.
Niles: Oh, Dad. [Martin comes back in with a beer.] You'll never
guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child.
Martin: [heading for his room] Was it worse than "Piles"?

Niles gets a defeated look on his face as Daphne smiles.

Daphne: Well, that can't bring up fond memories.

FADE OUT.

Scene 3 - Roz's Apartment

Fade in. Roz is working with a cleaning lady, Alice is sitting on the
couch reading "Make Room for Monkeys." There is the sound of a truck
outside.

Alice: Roger's here.

She gets up and runs for the door.

Alice: Let's go see him.
Roz: I don't think so, sweety.
Alice: Why?
Roz: Well, it's hard to explain.
Alice: Why?
Roz: It's complicated.
Alice: Why?

Roz goes over, picks up Alice and sits on the couch with her.

Roz: Mommy works in an office and Roger works in a truck. And
people in offices and people in trucks... it's complicated.
Alice: I like Roger.
Roz: I know, honey.
Alice: Do you like Roger?
Roz: Yes, but...

She realizes.

Roz: Yeah.
Alice: Okay...
Roz: Okay. Sarah, can you look after Alice? I'll be right back.

She sets Alice down and heads out the door.

CUT TO: the outside of her apartment building.

Roz: Roger!

He's just climbing on his truck and turns to her.

Roger: Hi.
Roz: I'm so sorry that I've been such an idiot. I don't know what's
wrong with me. All I know is that I miss you like crazy. Do
you still have an opening for a Mole Queen?
Roger: You sure?

She climbs on the back of the truck and kisses him. The truck pulls
down the alley to the next stop. Roger gets down to grab the cans, Roz
helps him. FADE OUT.

Credits:

Roz waves goodbye to Roger as the truck moves down the alley. It stops
and Roger gets down to grab the garbage. Roz keeps waving when he gets
back on the truck.