09x14 - Juvenilia

[bunniefuu]

Skyline: The light atop the space needle flashes.

ACT 1

Scene 1 – Café Nervosa.
Roz and Frasier are seated. Kenny brings them coffee.

Roz: Oh, thank you for the coffee, Kenny.
Kenny: Oh, you don't have to thank me. We're not keeping score.
Life's too short to keep track of who owes who for this or
that or whatnot. Let's just enjoy ourselves.
Frasier: Whatever you want, Kenny, the answer is no.
Kenny: [caught] Just hear me out. Look, I need a favor but before
I tell you what it is, I want you to look at this.

He hands Frasier a stack of papers. Frasier looks at it.

Frasier: “KACL Psychographics.”
Kenny: We hired a firm to sift through the program data and give us
a kind of profile on each show's average listener.
Frasier: All right, let's see. [reading] Gil's average listener is a
woman, mid-30's, well-educated, hmmm... What about my average
listener. Who is she?
Kenny: [taking the papers] Well, actually, uh, she's an older
gentleman... [Frasier reacts unhappily] who likes to keep the
radio on for company.
Roz: Ouch.
Frasier: Oh, and Roz, it seems a number of listeners think you're a man.
Roz: What?!
Frasier: [indicating the data] I'm sorry the-the station spent its
money on this nonsense, but this research is patently absurd.
Kenny: Regardless, you could really stand to increase your audience
in the youth market.
Frasier: Well, I thought we upped the advertising budget for that very
reason.
Kenny: I did, but I need some help. How would you like to be a guest
on Teen Scene?
Frasier: I'm sorry, Kenny. I've done that show before, I'm not doing
it again.
Kenny: Doc, you could use younger listeners. You've seen the
research.
Frasier: My show is fine. That so-called research is nothing
but a bunch of... confounded correlations and mediocre
deductions.

A Café guest, Lucy, approaches the table.

Lucy: Excuse me, are you Dr. Frasier Crane?
Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact I am.
Lucy: Can I get your autograph?
Frasier: What's your name?
Lucy: Lucy. But make it out to Paul. I volunteer at his hospice,
and I think you're just about the only friend he has left
anymore.

Kenny stares at Frasier as he begins to write the autograph.

Frasier: [to Kenny] Fine, I'll meet the kids.

FADE OUT

NILES GETS HIS DAILY DOSE OF SPINACH


Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment.
Niles and Daphne are seated on the couch.

Niles: I have a little something for you.

He hands Daphne a jewelry box.

Daphne: Ohh... Earrings. They're beautiful.
Niles: Try them on. I've disinfected them with peroxide.
Daphne: Niles, it's a lovely thought, but you kind of gave me the
exact same pair last summer.
Niles: No, I did not.
Daphne: Yeah, take a look.

She pulls back her hair to reveal the earrings.

Niles: I am so sorry.
Daphne: Oh, don't be silly. It was bound to happen sometime after all
the nice presents you give me. I'll just have to get pierced
somewhere else.
Niles: Still, I...

He reacts to what she has just said with shock and then a cheesy smile.
Somewhat taken aback, he then mouths "What?" Daphne grins.

Martin enters in his robe.

Daphne: Well, well, look who's up. How was your company party,
Mr. Crane?
Martin: Fine.
Niles: Sounds like it was more than just fine if you're getting up
this late.
Daphne: He came in late, too.
Martin: [sitting at the table] Didn't know there was a curfew.
Daphne: [rising, moving toward him] Oh my God! Is that lipstick
on your chin? It is!
Martin: I got kissed, okay? Big whoop.

Niles moves to join them. Martin wipes his chin.

Martin: There's no lipstick on my chin.
Daphne: Busted!

Niles and Daphne break out in laughter and sit down at the table.

Niles: Well, so what's her name?
Daphne: Yeah, when can we meet her?
Martin: Her name's Peg, and nobody's meeting anyone. It was just a
little fooling around, that's all.

Daphne looks at Niles, incredulous.

Niles: Well, are you going to see her again?
Martin: No, and if she calls I'm not here, got it? I don't want to
encourage her.
Daphne: Well, why not? It sounds like you had fun.
Martin: See, this is exactly the conversation I'm trying to avoid with
Peg. You kiss a girl, and suddenly she wants to know "What
does it mean?" and "When can I see you again?" "Why don't you
call me?"
Daphne: [disdainfully] That's a wonderful attitude.
Martin: Hey, it was great and I loved it, but I don't want to ruin it
by making it more than it was. Women never let you have a
bite of ham. They always make you sit down for spinach.

Niles and Daphne ponder his point. FADE OUT.

Scene 3 – Café Nervosa.
Frasier and Roz are seated. Kirby walks in and approaches them.

Kirby: Whoa! This is embarrassing, huh? All three of us going to
the same place when we're skipping out on work.
Frasier: We are not skipping out on work.
Kirby: Right, we're all at the doctor's. [chuckles "knowingly"]
Frasier: Kirby, we don't work the same hours that you do. We're done
for the day.
Kirby: Oh, yeah, that's good. It's better if we don't all use the
same excuse. [He sits.]
Frasier: Kirby, I think it's time for you to straighten up. You show
up late every day. You are inattentive, and you have a bad
attitude. How do you expect to thrive in this job or any
other job? I am this close to giving you a lecture!

Kenny enters.

Kenny: Hey, guys. Uh, Doc, you got a minute? There's someone I want
you to meet.

We see Emily seated in the corner. She is well-dressed, sitting up
straight, looking the typical high school honor student.

Kirby: Oh, dude, that's Emily Crowther - one of the nimrods from
Teen Scene. You're not going to do that show, are you?
Those guys go to my old high school. A bunch of losers.

He makes a rude gesture on the last word.

Kenny: For your information, Kirb... Hey, I thought you were at the
doctor.
Kirby: I was. Uh, he says everything is fine. He also said I
probably shouldn't come in tomorrow until about 11:30.
Kenny: How dumb do you think I am? You will show up first thing
tomorrow morning - after your "Meals on Wheels" delivery.

Roz and Frasier exchange a look at this.

Kirby: You got it.

He rises and leaves.

Frasier: [rising] Listen, Kenny, I'm actually just on my way out.
Perhaps I could meet this young lady tomorrow at the station?
Kenny: Oh, come on. Say hi to the kid. She's a big fan.
Frasier: Really? Well, gosh, I would hate to appear standoffish.
After all, the young lady has built up a certain image of me
in her mind, and that shouldn't be crushed certainly. [He puts
on his coat.]
Roz: Do we have to go through this every time? Go over there!

She gestures for them to leave, twice. Frasier and Kenny walk to the
corner where Emily is seated. Emily rises.

Kenny: Emily Crowther. Dr. Frasier Crane.

Emily is grinning widely and reaches to shake his hand.

Frasier: Hello, Emily.
Emily: Pleased to meet you, Dr. Crane! I look forward to having you
on our show!
Frasier: Well, technically, I haven't agreed to do it yet. You see, I
had a rather bad experience on Teen Scene the last time.
Emily: [exuberant] Are you familiar with the new Teen Scene?
Frasier: Well, uh, no, actually I'm not.
Emily: [jumping in excitedly] Well then you don't know that we do hard-
hitting journalism with a youthful bent! [slipping into obvious
flattery] Of course, it's not nearly as distinguished as
your show, which I adore.

Her nose is quite brown at this point – and Frasier laps it up.

Frasier: Really.
Kenny: Big fan!
Emily: Dr. Crane, may I be frank? Having you on our show would be,
In your own words, "a great boon" to us.
Frasier: A boon.

He smiles warmly. This clinches it for him.

Frasier: Do you really think so?
Kenny: Oh, major boon.
Frasier: Well, then, consider it granted. I'm sure we'll have a
splendid time.

Emily squeals in delight and grins widely. They shake hands.

Frasier: Who knows, I may even learn something from you.
Emily: Oh, you flatter me, Dr. Crane.

Frasier moves to exit. Niles is entering.

Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Ah, Niles.
Niles: Who's manning the Pasquini?
Frasier: Jimmy Ray! [he exits]
Niles: Capital. [he takes off his coat and moves to the counter]
Cappuccino, please. Hello, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Niles. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out
buying Daphne another pair of earrings?
Niles: Oh... please, don't make me feel any worse.
Roz: Actually, I thought it was sweet.
Niles: Well, I feel just awful.
Roz: You want to know what I would do?
Niles: [hesitating] Oh, what the hell? [He sits.]
Roz: First of all, enough with the earrings. Everything doesn't
have to be so fancy. Don't get me wrong. Jewelry is terrific,
but sometimes a woman likes to know that you're paying
attention. Mix it up a little. Do something crazy - I mean
totally out there.
Niles: Are you talking about scarves? [The waiter hands him his cup.]
Thank you.
Roz: [regrouping after Niles's question] OK, let me give you an
example. When I was 20, my boyfriend stole a "Doyle's Pub"
sign for me. We were drunk and we saw it, and he said "Hey,
that's your name on that sign. You should have it." It was
spontaneous, and a little dangerous... and very romantic!
Niles: [thoughtful, the wheels turning] Spontaneous and dangerous...
Thanks, Roz. You've given me something to mull over during my
herbal wrap.

He sips his coffee thoughtfully. FADE OUT.

Scene 4 - Frasier's apartment.
Martin enters. Daphne is carrying a food tray to the table.

Daphne: Oh, good. I thought you were going to miss Dr. Crane on the
radio.
Martin: How many times a day is that guy on?
Daphne: It's not his show, it's Teen Scene.
Martin: Oh, I don't have time for that teenage crap. [taking off his
coat] Did I get a call from a girl today?
Daphne: [carrying the tray to the coffee table] You mean Peg?
Martin: Or any girl. Or Peg. [fishing] Did Peg call?
Daphne: No. It's been a few days, hasn't it?
Martin: I really thought she'd try to spring that relationship stuff
on me. Well, I guess I misjudged her. [He sits in his chair.]
Daphne: Unless she didn't like her free sample.
Martin: [grinning and chuckling] I think we can rule that out. When
a lady gets the full Marty Crane treatment, she doesn't forget
it.
Daphne: [coyly] And Peg got the Full Marty?
Martin: I never give anything less. So, yeah, I guess I am a little
surprised she hasn't called. I mean, mostly relieved, of
course, but... also surprised.
Daphne: Don't feel bad. Maybe you had an off night.
Martin: [snorting sarcastically] Anything's possible, I suppose.

The phone rings. Daphne slowly moves to answer it, making Martin
squirm. She picks it up on the third ring.

Daphne: Hello? [excitedly] Well, yes he is! One moment please.

She mouths "It's a woman" and smiles broadly, handing Martin the phone.

Martin: [imitating Al Pacino ("Scent of a Woman")] Hola! [Daphne
rolls her eyes.] Uh-huh. Oh, I think that would be fine.
Thursday at 9:00? See you then.

He hangs up.

Daphne: Well... look who's suddenly in a relationship!
Martin: Shows you what you know. That was the dentist.
Daphne: Thank goodness, right?
Martin: Right!

Daphne nods sarcastically behind his back and heads for the kitchen.
Martin stares forlornly at the phone. FADE OUT.

END OF ACT 1

ACT 2

Scene 5 - Radio Station.
Frasier is standing in the hall outside the studio talking to Emily,
who is standing primly, with a very officious attitude.

Emily: I agree with you, sir. The difference between valedictorian
and salutatorian is largely arbitrary.
Frasier: Thank you, Emily. I didn't mean to go on like that, but...
the wound is still raw.

Kirby approaches, carrying a stack of boxes.

Frasier: Hello, Kirby.
Kirby: [icily] Hello Emily. How's Honors everything?
Emily: Splendid, thank you. [disdainfully] How's carrying a bunch of
boxes around a radio station?
Kirby: Good.
Frasier: You know, Emily, I was thinking that perhaps after the show I
could invite you and your friends to a... a cheeseburger or
some such.
Emily: Oh, we'd like that very much. [Her grin is cheesier than the
proposed burger.] Can I get you a coffee?
Frasier: Oh, yes. Thank you, Emily. You know I asked for one a little
while ago, but it never showed up.

He glares at Kirby. Emily departs on the errand.

Kirby: [shouting down the hall at Emily, dodging Frasier's anger] Now
who's carrying a bunch of stuff around a radio station?

Frasier groans at Kirby.

CUT TO: the interior of the studio. A man is seated at Frasier's usual
console. He is smoking heavily, and his hair and clothes are very
unkempt. Frasier enters.

Andy: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh.
Andy: Andy McNiff. [They shake hands.]
Frasier: Andy.
Andy: I'm the moderator. I'm really glad you could make it.
Frasier: Yes, well... likewise, I look forward to some intergenerational
byplay.

He sits in the "guest" chair.

Frasier: Uh, by the way, Andy, are you going to be smoking all night?
Andy: [looking at his pack, which is apparently full] Yeah.
[Frasier's displeasure shows.] Look, no matter what happens,
I'm on your side.
Frasier: [confused] Thank you. What does that mean exactly?
Andy: Well, uh...

He is interrupted by the appearance of Emily and two male friends who
enter from the booth.

Andy: Hi, guys! Your guest has arrived.
Emily: [handing Frasier a mug] Here's your coffee, Dr. Crane. These
are my colleagues, Ryan and Trent.
Frasier: Trent. [They shake hands.]
Trent: Pleased to meet you, sir. We're very excited.
Frasier: Likewise. Hello, Ryan.

He shakes Ryan's hand. Ryan and Trent also look the role of the honor
student, both wearing Dockers and collared shirts.

Andy: [on a signal from a producer in the booth] Ten seconds, guys.
[He puts on headphones.]
Frasier: [somewhat nervous] Ah, right. [He sits back down.] You know,
you may be surprised to learn that it was not so very many
years ago when I myself occupied those tough years 'twixt
12 and 20.

He puts on headphones, as do the three youths. They take their places
on stools in front of microphones behind Andy, looking like the stunt
double line-up for a movie starring Ryan Phillipe, Reese Witherspoon,
and Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Andy opens the show.

Andy: Hi, and welcome to Teen Scene, Seattle's premier talk show for
young people. I'm Andy McNiff, and for the next 60 minutes
we'll be engaged in some straight talk with our special guest.
[Frasier grins.] And here to get things rolling is our Teen
Scene panel: Trent, Ryan, and Emily. Trent?
Trent: Tonight, we're talking to Dr. Frasier Crane, a man who knows
what makes us tick. But what do we know about him?

Frasier reacts with surprise at this comment.

Emily: Dr. Crane, you're a popular psychiatrist and radio personality.
What would you say is the secret of your success?
Frasier: I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I am a
good listener and have a friendly voice, and I also try to
pass along some real psychological insight and advice.
Emily: [glancing at her notes] My research shows that your replies
Are typically less than five minutes long. Doesn't seem like
a lot of time for substantive psychological advice.
Frasier: Yes, well if I believe there's a real problem than I usually
refer the caller...
Emily: [interrupting him with an evil grin] So if it's a real problem
than you pass the buck.

Frasier, dumbfounded, looks and mouths words at Andy, who seems
disinterested and looks away.

Frasier: Excuse me?!
Ryan: February 9, 1993. Does that date mean anything to you?
Frasier: Should it?
Ryan: According to the Boston Globe you spent two hours on a ledge
threatening to jump if your wife left you.

Frasier now realizes he has been rail-roaded.

Ryan: How many of your listeners are aware that they're taking
advice from a man who was nearly a stain on the sidewalk?

[N.B. This event occurred in an episode of the last season of
"Cheers." The only other references to it on "Frasier" of which
I am aware are in Episodes [1.02] "Space Quest,” [2.18] "The Club,"
and, obliquely, in [2.18] "Beloved Infidel."]

Andy does not intervene, but taps the spent end of his cigarette into
the ashtray, seeming somewhat oblivious.

Frasier: Andy, isn't it about time for a commercial break?
Andy: Actually, this show is a public service, therefore commercial-
free.

He shrugs and mouths "Sorry" at Frasier.

Frasier: [resigned] Splendid.

FADE OUT.

Scene 6 - A residential street, presumably in suburban Seattle.

Niles is walking Eddie down the street. He is dressed in black from
head to toe, including a trench coat. He passes a street lamp.
A pause. He moves with stealth back to the lamp, with Eddie in tow.

The camera reveals the top of the lamp, which also serves as the
corner street indicator. The two signs read "Maple Street 1700," and,
far more significantly, "Daphne Lane 200." Niles looks around nervously.

Eddie barks. Niles whistles. Eddie lifts his leg and appears to do
his business on the lamp pole. They are briefly illuminated by the
headlights of a passing vehicle.

Niles whistles at Eddie again, and he lowers his leg. He gives Eddie
a treat and walks with him to the hedge behind the sidewalk. Niles
pulls a folding stepladder from behind the hedge. He stands it next
to the pole. He then flips back his coat to reveal a tool belt, from
which he takes a wrench.

(Who does he think he is, Batman? And any seasoned burglar would have
told him to go motorized, sacrificing silence for speed. - Mike Lee)

Looking up at the sign, he places the wrench in his mouth and begins
to climb the ladder, but is interrupted by Eddie barking at something.
He climbs back down, hurriedly sticks the ladder back behind the hedge,
removes the wrench from his mouth, and moves Eddie back to the pole,
whistling again. Eddie repeats the leg-lifting routine. A couple of
pedestrians walk past, and Niles nervously waves and says "Hi" to them
as they go by.

He whistles at Eddie again, who lowers his leg. He gives him another
treat, retrieves the ladder again, and again places it next to the
pole. He climbs the ladder and places his hands on top of the
"Daphne Lane" sign. Nervously, he begins to use the wrench to
undo the bolts attaching the sign to the pole. As he does so,
he loses his balance. Struggling to regain it, he inadvertently
kicks the ladder away, so that it is no longer under his feet.
He is left hanging from the sign. Eddie barks repeatedly.

Niles is then literally "caught in the headlights" as we hear a
car pull up. The sound of a siren reveals the nature of the car.
He stares mortified into the lights, still hanging from the sign.
Eddie continues to bark.

FADE OUT.

Scene 7 - The lobby of the office building where Martin works as
a security guard.

A woman in uniform is seated behind the desk, reading a book.
Martin enters from the elevator.

Martin: Well, hi, Peg! Geez, I didn't know you were working the
graveyard tonight.
Peg: All this month. What brings you here?
Martin: Actually, I was in the neighborhood, and I wanted to make
sure they'd fixed that elevator camera. But see, I thought
Rich was on tonight, which explains why I didn't know you'd
be here. [He grins nervously.]
Peg: Right. Well, it's... fixed.
Martin: Well, that's good.

There is an awkward pause. Martin remains standing at the desk while
Peg goes back to her book.

Martin: Somebody broke it.

Peg glances briefly at him, then back to her book.

Martin: Okay, then.
Peg: See ya later.
Martin: See ya.

He heads back to the elevator. Rethinking, he turns back around.

Martin: Hey, how come I never heard from you?
Peg: [flustered] Oh, geez!
Martin: Well, I was under the impression we had some chemistry going.
I think I deserved at least a phone call.
Peg: Hey, we made out a little. Let's not ruin it by making it
more than it was.
Martin: Just what I was thinking.
Peg: Good. Then it won't be awkward or anything if we pull the
same shift, right?
Martin: [with feigned indifference] What are you talking about?
Don't worry about me. Watch yourself.

He laughs weakly. She joins in the laughter.

Peg: Okay. No worries. [They shake hands.] So I'll see you around
then.
Martin: Yeah, see ya.
Peg: Hey! You going to Jerry's retirement party?
Martin: I might drop in for a pop or two.
Peg: Yeah, same. Maybe I'll see you there.
Martin: Yeah. Maybe you will.

Martin takes this as an affirmation, which boosts his confidence.
He resumes the "Full Marty" demeanor as he struts to the elevator.
FADE OUT.

Scene 8 - Radio Station.
Frasier's appearance on “Teen Scene” continued. Things have
obviously degenerated even further.

Frasier: Again, I freely admit that I assisted my ex-wife in
psychological experiments on lab animals. However,
at that time, putting a pair of sunglasses on a monkey
did not constitute cruelty!

His gestures and expressions during this speech indicate that his level
of exasperation has increased considerably.

Emily: [smugly, confrontational] We'll just agree to disagree.
Frasier: You know I scarcely see how this line of questioning about my
personal life can benefit your listeners!
Emily: Well, Dr. Crane. Every day you ask your listeners to blindly
trust you. Isn't the public entitled to know a little bit
more about that "friendly voice" that seems to know all the
answers?
Frasier: Oh... I understand. This isn't about me at all. You see,
Your combative line of questioning is completely age-
appropriate. The challenging of authority, the zeal for
truth...
Ryan: Speaking of truth, I have a few questions about your last tax
return... [of which he has a copy, rifling through it]
Andy: I hate to interrupt, panel, but it's time for our regular news
break. We'll be back with more Teen Scene fun after this.

They remove their headphones. Frasier is shell-shocked. Kirby sticks
His head in the door.

Kirby: Dr. Crane, can I borrow you for a second?

Frasier moves quickly to escape.

Emily: [with the old grin] You're doing great!

Frasier glares murderously at her as he exits the studio. He joins
Kirby in the hall.

Kirby: Dude, you're in trouble here.
Frasier: Thanks for the update!
Kirby: Take it easy, Mr. Snappy. I'm here to help you.

Kirby shows him a notebook.

CUT BACK to the studio:

Trent: Can you believe that Kirby guy works here?
Emily: I can't believe they finally graduated him.
Andy: Now, remember, guys, you're still goodwill ambassadors...
Emily: [cutting him off disdainfully] We weren't talking to you.
Andy: [giving up, taking another drag] Oh-kay.

Frasier re-enters, looking much happier. He is carrying Kirby's
notebook.

Trent: Everything okay, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Absolutely. I didn't fully appreciate the hard-hitting nature
or your journalism, but I... I think I know how to handle it
now.
Andy: We're back with more Teen Scene and our special guest, Dr.
Frasier Crane.

They place their headphones back on.

Trent: Now, Dr. Crane, where were we?
Frasier: I believe we were discussing my competence as a mental health
professional. And though it is true that I have suffered
several emotional setbacks in my life, if we are to be
honest... haven't we all?
Trent: And that's your defense... that we all have problems.

All three chuckle disdainfully. Frasier flips to a page of the notepad.

Frasier: Perhaps I can better illustrate my point by reading from a
Poem entitled, "An Onion for Trisha."
Trent: [taken aback] Where did you get that?
Frasier: [reading] "My heart is like an onion, filled with layers of
tears. Why, oh, why did you leave me, Trisha?"
Trent: Okay, give me that.

He reaches, but Frasier successfully pulls it away from his grasp.

Emily: [clearly upset] Trisha Sharpe? You said you never liked her!
Frasier: [gleefully] Ooh, Trent, tough blow! Yes, it seems that
youthful relationships are fraught with emotional hazards.
Especially in the case of a – [flips to another page] a young
woman who finds her first love at Math Camp.

He sneers maliciously at Emily. Trent rounds on her.

Trent: What happened at Math Camp?!
Emily: [highly distressed] I don't want to talk about it!
Ryan: [trying to save the situation] Uh, Dr. Crane!
Frasier: Yes, Ryan. [leafing through the notebook] Or as the boys on
the swim team call you...
Ryan: [cutting in desperately] So, do you have any good advice for
kids that want to go to college?

Frasier smiles with deep satisfaction and closes the notebook.

Frasier: As a matter of fact, I believe I do.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 9 - Time fade to the end of the show.
Frasier has taken over the show. His three interrogators are slumped
on their stools, looking depressed and defeated.

Frasier: In short, caller, there is nothing wrong with you, and you're
not going to get sick. But remember, the more frequently you
do it, the less special it becomes.

The "panel" appears deeply disturbed by the subject matter.

Frasier: I hope that answers your question.
Mike: [v.o.] Uh, yeah. Well, uh, thanks a lot.
Andy: Well, that about wraps it up for tonight's Teen Scene. For
Trent, Ryan, and Emily, this is Andy McNiff - reminding you
we're still taking applications for the moderator's job - and
wishing you a teen-tastic week. Good night!

They go off the air. The three teens quickly grab their notes and
head for the door.

Frasier: Thanks, kids, I had fun!
Trent: [icily] Yeah, thanks.

They leave, slamming the door. Andy rises, grabbing his pack of smokes.

Andy: Thank you. You made my month.

Frasier chuckles and shakes Andy's hand heartily. Frasier exits the
studio, where Kirby is waiting in the hall.

Kirby: Way to go, Dr. Crane, that was sweet!

They slap hands and join in a typical post-high five handshake.

Frasier: I'm not exactly proud of myself, Kirby.
Kirby: Oh, you should be, man, those dinks brought it on themselves.
They were, like, "We're gonna get this old dude!" and then you
were, like, "Old dude! Say what?" and then they were like
"Wham bam!... [he descends into gibberish imitations of their
arguing.] It was awesome.
Frasier: Well said, Kirby. And thank you for helping me out. By the
way, how did you dig up all that stuff?
Kirby: Uh, let's just say I've got a few operatives who were, uh,
Held back.
Frasier: Ah.

They begin to walk down the hall.

Kirby: Hey, you know, why don't you and I continue this conversation
over a... a cheeseburger or some such.
Frasier: I'd like that very much.

They put their arms around each other as they walk down the hall.
And we:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT 2

Credits:

Niles and Daphne are seated on the couch in Frasier's apartment.
Daphne is opening a gift box. Niles, still clothed in the black getup
from his criminal escapade and still with Eddie in tow, looks nervous
as she looks at the gift.

When she sees what it is, she gets a loving expression on her face
and mouths "Oh..." She pulls a framed picture out of the box, and looks
delighted as she continues to look at it. We see only the back of the frame.

She stands the picture up on the coffee table. Niles is pleased that
she likes it. She kisses him on the cheek and they embrace, with Eddie
between them.

The camera then pans to reveal the picture. It is the set of Niles's
mug sh*ts, one profile and one frontal, complete with the name plate.