10x06 - Star Mitzvah

[bunniefuu]

Skyline: A blimp flies over the city.

ACT ONE

Scene One - Lilith's Home
Freddie is seated at the table, writing. Lilith stands near a
bookcase, going through a file drawer.

Lilith: Here we are. File A, slide sheet 1, image 1 of subject
Frederick G. Crane.
Freddie: Mom!
Lilith: [showing him the slide sheet] Here you are, just an hour after
being wrestled from my grudging womb.
Freddie: Gross!
Lilith: You know, if you'd like there's still time to include this in
your Bar Mitzvah video.
Freddie: Thanks, but I just want to get through this thing with as
little humiliation as possible.
Lilith: [going through a box] Oh, look at this! Your hospital cap.
The very combed cotton that swaddled your little...[voice
breaking] head.

Lilith's emotional reaction is very minor, but somehow, for her it
seems big.

Freddie: Are you okay?
Lilith: Of course I am. It's only natural that there should be some
emotional upheaval caused by the impending shift in our
relationship. I knew it would come, I just wasn't expecting
such a roller coaster. [She pauses briefly.] All done. Is
this your guest list? Oh, I didn't realize you wanted to
invite so many friends. I don't even know some of these
people. And why are you inviting Jeremy Berman? I thought
you told me he's the biggest nerd in your class.
Freddie: He's not so bad. Besides, the more people you invite, the
more presents you get.
Lilith: Frederick... a Bar Mitzvah is a rite of passage, not an
opportunity for you to collect presents.
Freddie: I'm sorry. You're right. I'll try to trim it down.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene Two – KACL
Frasier is walking down the hall. Kenny approaches.

Kenny: Hey, Doc!
Frasier: Kenny.
Kenny: I can't tell you how touched I am that Freddie invited me to
his Bar Mitzvah.
Frasier: He did?
Kenny: Yeah! What a great kid! That's your son, right?
Frasier: Yes. I wasn't aware that you two had met.
Kenny: We haven't. Eh, I guess he's probably heard his share of
Kenny stories.
Frasier: [chuckling] Yeah. From whom?
Kenny: You sly kidder. It sounds like a hoot, but if I don't find
someone to drive with me to Boston and share a tent on the
way, I probably won't be able to afford to go.
Frasier: Hmm.
Kenny: Fun drive, I bet.
Frasier: [nodding] Hmm.
Kenny: I guess I can just send him something.
Frasier: I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny.

Frasier taps him on the shoulder and goes to enter the studio.
Another employee, Jason (who just happens to have appeared in a much
larger role in episode [9.05] "Love Stinks"), approaches.

Jason: [holding an invitation envelope] Hey, Dr. Crane! Mazel Tov!

Frasier nods and enters the booth.

FADE OUT

Scene Three - KACL
Roz comes into the studio from her booth.

Roz: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Freddie's so sweet. He sent me an invitation to his Bar
Mitzvah. [She produces the invitation.]
Frasier: Yes, apparently the people of Washington state have made quite
an impression on him.
Roz: Can you believe Freddie is thirteen years old already?

[N.B. This is now Frederick's correct age. Freddie was born in
November 1989, but in "Good Samaritan" he had suddenly aged a couple
of years. In "Cranes Unplugged," Freddie is said to be thirteen.
Now it seems the writers have realized their mistake and returned
Freddie to the right age.]

Frasier: I can hardly think about it without choking up. This is my
son, Roz. The little bald candy man that used to fit right
here in the crook of my arm.
Roz: [sweetly, teasing] "Little bald candy man." That's adorable.
I had a boyfriend who called hi...

She stops herself, quite embarrassed. Frasier stares with a grin.

Roz: [recovers] Is it weird to have a son brought up in a different
religion from yours?
Frasier: Not at all, Roz. It's a faith that espouses love, compassion,
duty, education, and art. All values which I cherish. And
though I have played a relatively small role in his spiritual
development, he has honored me by asking that I say a few
words. And in the spirit of the occasion, I'm going to try to
learn it in Hebrew.

Noel enters, wearing a backpack.

Noel: Hi, Dr. Crane!
Frasier: Hi, Noel.
Noel: Hi, Roz. You've never worn that sweater on a Tuesday before.
Roz: I've asked you to take your hands out of your pockets when you
talk to me.

Noel obeys. She exits.

Noel: So, I don't think I can make the Bar Mitzvah.
Frasier: Great. [recovering] I mean that sarcastically, of course,
Noel. [feigning disappointment] Great! You're not coming,
terrific!
Noel: Yeah, sorry. Did I overhear you say you want to learn Hebrew?
Frasier: Not learn it, I'm saving that pleasure for retirement. But I
have composed a speech and I-I'd like to say it in Hebrew.
Noel: Well, I can translate and teach you how to say it if you want.
Frasier: You can, really, oh, Noel, thank you!
Noel: Of course, I'll expect a little something quid pro quo.
Frasier: Certainly, whatever you'd like.
Noel: Great! The Seattle Star Trek convention is this weekend,
and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance.
I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection
complete.
Frasier: Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
Noel: I would, but William Shatner's restraining order against me
is still in effect. It's so stupid. It wasn't even a real
phaser.

[N.B. The first reference to this restraining order is made in 6.13,
"The Show Where Woody Comes Back."]

Frasier: Noel, don't you have any friends that could do this for you?
Noel: Trust me, there are no friends in the world of Star Trek
autography.
Frasier: I see. Well, then, consider it done.
Noel: Well, thank you so much!

He opens his backpack and gets a publicity photo of Bakula in his garb
as Captain Archer.

Frasier: Now, be sure to keep it in this acid-free covering until the
actual signing, and if you must handle it, use these cotton
gloves.
Frasier: [taking them] Okay.
Noel: You'll be the hit of the Bar Mitzvah, I promise. And don't be
surprised if you get caught up in the fun of the convention,
too.
Frasier: [patiently] Yeah, I'll try to pace myself.
Noel: Thanks again, Dr. Crane.

He begins to leave.

Frasier: Noel! How did you know I would do it?
Noel: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, you must have known I would do this for you, or you
wouldn't be carrying around a picture of Scott Bakula, right?
Noel: [playing along, but confused] Right.

He exits.

FADE TO:

Scene Four - Frasier's apartment
Niles is seated on the couch. Martin enters carrying a massive,
antiquated dinosaur of a flash camera.

Martin: Hey, Niles, think fast!

He flashes the camera, which produces a bright, blinding light,
knocking Niles over.

Niles: Dad!

The camera makes a high-pitched electronic sound of recovery in the
wake of the giant flash. Daphne enters from the kitchen.

Daphne: What is that?
Martin: My good old Scheerblad-7X-K.
Niles: The blindingest, noisiest, fifteen-pound camera ever produced
in the former Soviet Union!
Martin: Can you believe it? Somehow it got buried deep down in
storage. But, Eddie and I found it just in time for the
Bar Mitzvah.
Daphne: What smells like burning plastic?
Martin: Oh, that means the flash unit's working.
Niles: [still blinking it off] I thought the retina-scorching flash
meant that the flash unit was working.
Martin: Not always.
Niles: I still remember the night of my junior prom. Dad wanted to
get a nice close-up of me and Margaret Coover. Unfortunately
he got a little too close and the heat from the flash seared
the gold plating off Margaret's necklace onto her skin.
Daphne: You never mentioned Margaret Coover before.
Niles: I didn't? Margaret Coover. Petite, brunette, gilded.

Frasier enters, whereupon he is immediately greeted by the flash and
the high squeal. He is thrown back against the door, blinking and
disoriented.

Frasier: Dear God, the old flash-and-wind!
Niles: [deadpan] Dad found it.
Martin: Yeah, good thing, too. Hasn't failed me yet. Oh, except for
that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad
all you could see were her hair and eyes.
Frasier: That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has
confounded even the most experienced photographer.
Martin: Hey, Daph, do you know where the tripod is? I might need it
for group sh*ts.
Daphne: Yeah, I think it's in the back of your closet. Come on, I'll
help you look for it.

Martin rises, with the camera around his neck. As he attempts to
stand, the camera's weight pulls him down and he almost falls forward.
He walks hunched over after Daphne.

Niles: Sherry, Frasier?
Frasier: Please, Niles.
Niles: I have good news.
Frasier: Hmm?
Niles: I have two tickets to the Udo Fritzenheim show at the museum
tomorrow, not to mention an invitation for lunch with the
artist afterwards.
Frasier: [excited] Oh, are you serious, Niles? Lunch with a Dada
master! Oh, I'd love to come! But I can't. I have other
plans. I promised Noel Shempsky I'd do a favor for him and
I've got to remain true to my word. Although perhaps I could
go to the show, leave the luncheon early and still fulfill my
commitment.
Niles: [handing him the sherry] Oh yes, of course you could.
Frasier: Yeah, you're right, Niles. There. [They toast.] You know, it
was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston where Freddie first said
the word "Dada." I remember swelling with pride thinking that
perhaps he was an art history savant, but of course Lilith
deflated my enthusiasm by pointing out that he was probably
just referring to me.

He chuckles. Martin and Daphne re-enter.

Martin: Hey, Fras, good news, found the tripod.
Frasier: Oh, splendid.

He looks at a photo of Frederick on display.

Martin: It's tough to watch your kids grow up.
Frasier: Well, he's... still just a boy. He's only thirteen.
Martin: [tapping his shoulder] It goes fast.
Daphne: How's Lilith taking it?
Frasier: Well, I suppose it's a bittersweet experience for her.
I can't really say for sure. You know, she's always
been rather guarded with her emotions.
Niles: Not always, Frasier, I've seen her get quite emotional.
Frasier: I'm sure you have, Mr. Been-There-Done-That.
Daphne: What does that mean?

Frasier, Martin, and Niles are all taken aback and look at each other
uncomfortably. All together, they say "Nothing."

Daphne: [to Niles] What are you hiding?
Niles: Oh... [he struggles at length for words] Um... some years
ago...

He looks to Frasier for help.

Frasier: In a complete drunken stupor...
Martin: Totally stinko...
Niles: Yes... I had an unplanned, uh, and instantly regretted, uh,
night of amore... with Lilith.
Daphne: A one-nighter?
Niles: [stupidly] Of amore.

Martin and Frasier look at each other in discomfort.

[N.B. This was the major event of "Room Service," listed above.]

Daphne: Lilith?!
Niles: Well, it was after Maris, and long before you. In fact,
it's pretty funny when you think about it.

He laughs nervously. Frasier and Martin join. Daphne is not amused.

Niles: And remember, I was drunk.
Daphne: You'd have to be, wouldn't you? [realizing] Oh, sorry,
Frasier.
Frasier: Oh no, drinking definitely took the edge off.
Daphne: And when were you planning on sharing this interesting bit of
information with me?
Niles: Soon... very soon... never.

Daphne glares, then softens.

Daphne: Well... what's done is done. I suppose we've all had our
romantic missteps. But just to be clear: are there any more
secret sweethearts who I see on a regular basis?
Niles: No. Nobody. [looking to Frasier for confirmation] Nobody?
[Frasier nods] Nobody.
Frasier: I certainly wouldn't count Anamari Hanratty at the Natural
History Museum.

Daphne stares at him. Niles is very uncomfortable.

Niles: [with quivering, pleading voice] Frasier?
Frasier: I said I wouldn't count her. I mean, they just made
out.

Daphne glares at Niles again. Frasier quickly tries to recover and
grabs a book from the coffee table.

Frasier: It was for charity! But it doesn't really matter, I mean,
the woman makes out with everyone. [He places the book on
the television] You see, she's not really the kind of person
that you'd...

He has eased himself to Martin's camera and quickly flashes it,
blinding all three of them. Martin screams. Frasier takes the
opportunity to quickly run out the door.

FADE TO:

Scene Five - KACL
Frasier is entering the studio as Noel catches up to him.

Noel: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Hi, Noel.
Noel: Are you ready for yeshiva tomorrow? That means "school."
Frasier: Yes indeed, I am, I'm looking forward to it. Uh, listen,
Noel, I'm afraid I have some bad news about the, uh, science
fiction convention.
Noel: Uh-oh!
Frasier: Long story short, you see, I attended an art opening and a
luncheon on Saturday, and even though I left the luncheon
early the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful
and by the time I got there, Mr. Bakula and all the others had
gone.
Noel: [deeply distressed] No...! You made a promise and you welshed
on it! Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: It's not really such a big deal is it, Noel?
Noel: It's a huge deal! Who knows when I'll get to see Scott
Bakula again? I'll be the laughingstock of my clan!
Frasier: Noel, try to remem... clan? No, never mind, never mind!
Noel, surely you realize that Star Trek is just a TV show.
Noel: So was Brideshead Revisited!
Frasier: [furious, then] You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that.
But with all due respect, Noel, perhaps weaning yourself off
science fiction might be the first step toward achieving a
genuine, meaningful, grownup person's life! [realizing his
voice has risen] Just a friendly suggestion.
Noel: You're right. You did your best and that's good enough for
me.
Frasier: Thank you, Noel. So, you'll still be my tutor?
Noel: Sure.
Frasier: Good man. Thank you. [tapping his shoulder] I'll see you
tomorrow.

He exits.

Noel: [menacingly] Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow. And by the
rings of Septaurus Five you will pay, Dr. Crane. You...
[he stops as Kenny walks by] Oh hi, Kenny! ...will pay!

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene Six - KACL
Roz is with Eddie in her booth, "showing" him the controls.

Roz: Okay, Eddie, hit the "talk" button. [Eddie does so.] And
you're listening to "The Best of Crane" on KACL. We'll
be back after these messages.

She goes to commercial. Noel enters.

Noel: Well, well. The fox and the hound working together. How
ironic.
Roz: I'm just taking care of him until Frasier gets back from
Boston. By the way, he left you something.

She grabs a large package from under the counter. It looks like a
tall hatbox.

Noel: He did?
Roz: Yeah.

Noel opens the package. He pulls out what appears to be a "Certificate
of Authenticity, and then a black wig on a dummy head. Noel appears
thrilled with this gift.

Roz: Wow. A wig? That's cruel even for Frasier.
Noel: Cruel? It's only the wig Joan Collins wore in Star Trek
Twenty-Eight, "City on the Edge of Forever." It's probably
still got her DNA in it.
Roz: [reading Frasier's note] "Dear Noel. I hope this begins to
repay you for your great kindness to me, especially in light
of my negligence. Your friend, Frasier Crane."
Noel: He called me "friend"?
Roz: That's really sweet of him.

Noel, looking very guilty and remorseful, grabs his cell phone.

Noel: I've got to call him before he delivers his speech.
Roz: You taught him dirty words in Hebrew, didn't you?
Noel: Uh, not quite. They're the same words, but they're in
Klingon.
Roz: From Star Trek? That's not even real.
Noel: It's the fastest growing language on the planet! This is
what you people don't understand. [becoming passionate] A
man named Gene Roddenberry had a vision...
Roz: CALL HIM!

Noel dials.

FADE TO:

STAR MITZVAH


Scene Seven - A synagogue in Boston.
Frederick is chanting in Hebrew at the lectern.

Freddie: Yit-ba-rach shim-cha bi'fi kol chai. Tamid l'o-lam va-ed.
Ba-ruch a-tah, A-do-nai. M'ka-deish ha-Sha-bat. Amen.

Frasier and Lilith are shown sitting together, beaming. Rabbi Gendler,
who is administering the ceremony, rises and congratulates Frederick.

Gendler: Yasher Koach Frederick. That was a beautiful passage,
and a wonderful reading. You honor us all by including...

Frasier's cell phone rings. Embarrassed, he turns it off. We see that
Daphne, Niles, and Martin are seated next to Frasier. Frasier, Niles,
and Martin are wearing yarmulkes, while Lilith has a hat on.

Gendler: You honor us all by including us in this important occasion,
but you have chosen to especially honor your parents, Lilith
and Frasier, by asking them to conclude this ceremony.
Lilith?

Lilith goes to the lectern.

Lilith: Thank you. I...

Martin's camera flash goes off, blinding Lilith, Freddie, and the
Rabbi.

Gendler: Excuse me, would the photographer please refrain from taking
any more pictures until after the ceremony is over?
Martin: Sorry, Rabbi.
Lilith: Thank you. I am very proud to participate in the coming-of-
age ritual of my son, Frederick Gaylord Crane.

A boy laughs at this, interrupting. Clearly, this is the Jeremy Berman
of whom Freddie and Lilith had spoken earlier.

Jeremy: [catching himself] Oh.
Lilith: Frederick, on this momentous occasion, I can only look at you
and see that innocent, chubby-legged toddler who once danced
naked at the Boston Pops... the little boy whose favorite dish
was "buh-sghetti."

Freddie covers his face in embarrassment.

Lilith: I can't count the number of bedtimes we spent cuddled together
reading The Cat in the Hat.

Freddie looks up at her in disbelief.

Lilith: "The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play, so we sat in
the house on that cold, cold wet day."

Frasier is also bemused by Lilith's antics. Lilith breaks into tears.
The Rabbi tries to console them.

Lilith: Don't grow up! Not yet! [She emotionally hugs Freddie.]
Daphne: [to Niles] Nice girlfriend you've got there.
Niles: If you're trying to embarrass me, it's not going to work.

However, that ship sails when a very emotional Martin leans across and
hugs Niles.

Martin: Come here, Daddy's little peanut man.
Frasier: [leading Lilith back to her seat] It'll be all right.
Gendler: We will conclude with a blessing from Frederick's father,
Frasier, who, though not of our faith, has chosen to follow
his son's fine example and deliver it in Hebrew.
Frasier: Thank you. [going to the lectern] I'll keep this short.
Freddie: Thanks, Dad.

Frasier pulls out the cards for his speech and places his hand on
Freddie's shoulder.

Frasier: Pookh lod wih le koo. Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh leng-lidge
loo-Teb-jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp shoave dah-nobe-poo-
boagh. [in Hebrew] Shabbat shalom.

Frasier's delivery of Klingon has just the right "accent." In the
course of the speech, the Cranes look on admiringly while the rest
of the congregation is highly confused.

Daphne: Oh, that was lovely.
Gendler: What was that gobbledygook?
Frasier: Well, it's-it's a blessing for my son, "Pookh Lod Wih Le Koo."
Gendler: That means nothing. It's gibberish.
Frasier: What?
Jeremy: That's not gibberish. It's Klingon.
Gendler: What?
Frasier: Oh, dear God!
Jeremy: Freddie's Dad just blessed him in Klingon.
Frasier: [mortified] I'm terribly sorry. I... I... will you excuse me,
please?

He quickly runs out of the hall. Everybody, including the Rabbi,
can't contain their amusement.

Gendler: Okay, everybody. It's better to end with laughter than tears.
I don't know how they say it in outer space, but here we say
[putting his hands toward Freddie's head] ahava and shalom -
Love and Peace. Dinner will be served in the multi-purpose
room in twenty minutes.

The Rabbi shakes Freddie's hand and walks off. Jeremy approaches him.

Jeremy: Hey that was awesome, Gaylord.
Freddie: Shut up, Berman.
Jeremy: Seriously, your dad's Klingon is really good.
Freddie: What did he say?
Jeremy: Well, roughly translated, it says, "My dearest son, each day
you redeem me. May your journey be filled with the same joy,
wisdom, and purpose you have given mine." It's a lot more
beautiful in the original Klingon, but it's still really cool.

CUT TO: Lilith and Frasier in the foyer.

Lilith: Which one of us do you suppose humiliated him more?
Frasier: Oh, I think I did. I've been trying to console myself with
the idea that without embarrassing parents, there'd be no
psychology. Poor kid.
Lilith: Actually, today he is a man.
Frasier: [putting his arm around her] He is, isn't he?
Gendler: [approaching them and taking their hands] Mazel Tov.
You must be very proud - of your son, not yourselves.
Lilith: [as he exits] We are, thank you, Rabbi.

Freddie approaches Frasier.

Frasier: Frederick, uh, listen, I-I'm-I want to apologize. Uh,
there was this guy at the radio station. He was going to
teach me Hebrew...
Freddie: You don't have to explain it, Dad.
Frasier: Really? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
Freddie: Berman translated your speech for me. It was pretty good.
Frasier: So you liked it?
Freddie: Yeah. I don't want to get all mushy or anything - I'm a
little old for that now, but... you know.
Frasier: Yeah, I know. [they embrace]
Lilith: Can you forgive me?
Freddie: Yeah, for everything but naming me "Gaylord." [they hug]
Niles: [approaching] That was lovely.

Niles moves to embrace Lilith. Daphne steps in his way and hugs Lilith
before Niles can get to her.

Martin: [offstage] Hey everybody, look this way!
Niles: Oh, no, no...!

The flash and high-pitched squeal follow, and the frame freezes with
the whited-out faces of Niles, Daphne, Lilith, Frasier, and Freddie,
shielding themselves from the blinding light.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:

The sequence is a series of six stills taken by Martin's camera over
the course of the episode. First we see Niles, seated, shielding his
face. Second is the sh*t of Frasier coming in the door of his
apartment, taken aback by the flash. Next, the sh*t taken by Frasier
of Martin, Daphne and Niles as he escaped the uncomfortable
conversation. Then comes the sh*t of Lilith and Freddie at the
ceremony. Finally, there is the sh*t that ended the episode.

This is not, however, the last still. There is one final image of
Frasier with an angry, whited-out face and his hands extended and
clawed. Apparently he is approaching Martin with the intent of
inflicting harm on either him or the camera.