11x01 - No Sex Please, We're Skittish

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

Scenes from [10.24] "A New Position for Roz"

PREVIOUSLY

Julia confronting Roz in her booth.

Julia: Are you trying to save Frasier from me, or are you trying to
save him for yourself?
Roz: Are you out of you out of your mind?
Julia: Are you in love with him?

CUT TO:

Roz confronting Frasier at his apartment.

Roz: It's her or me! Tell me now, or I swear to God, I will walk
out of here and I will not come back!

Roz settling into her office at KPXY.

Wiswell: There's no chance you'll change your mind again, is there?
Roz: No. KACL is ancient history.

FADE TO:

SUBSEQUENTLY


Scene One – Café Nervosa
FADE IN
Niles is sitting at a table, Roz comes up.

Roz: Niles, I need to talk to you. You're not with Frasier, are
you?
Niles: Why does everybody treat us like we're joined at the hip?
I do have coffee with other people other than my brother,
you know.
Roz: Good. 'Cause I'm avoiding him.
Niles: Oh, then talk fast. He's meeting me in five minutes.

Roz sits next to him.

Roz: It's about my new job. It's a nightmare!
Niles: Didn't you just start today?
Roz: Yes. My boss already hit on me, I'm supposed to work nights
and weekends, and my assistant is an idiot and I can't fire
her 'cause she's like three minorities rolled into one. I
can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit.
Niles: Oh yes, yes, your ultimatum. Frasier told me about that.
Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach, but is it
possible you're in love with Frasier?
Roz: Absolutely not.
Niles: You sound sure.
Roz: I am sure. I mean, if I were going to fall for him it would
have been two years ago when we slept together.
Niles: Well then, another theory I'd like to explore is... HO, back
up! You and Frasier slept together?
Roz: He didn't tell you?
Niles: No... Well, I suppose it's only natural. When the wolf and
the lamb work together, it's only a matter of time before the
wolf gets his way. I hope you were gentle with him.
Roz: Just promise you won't tell him I told you.
Niles: I promise, I promise. So, you're not in love. But your
behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis.
As a psychiatrist...
Roz: I just want my job back. I'm not looking for some big therapy
trip.
Niles: All right. Well, why don't you just sweep your emotions
under the rug and waltz back to the station as if nothing
ever happened.
Roz: That's perfect! Thanks!

She gets up from the table.

Niles: No, no. I was being facetious. My real advice would be...
Roz: I know. Talk about my feelings. Blah, blah, woof, woof.
I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again.

She heads out, passing Martin and Daphne just outside.

Daphne: Oh, hello, Roz.
Martin: Hey, Roz.

Daphne and Martin come in. She is holding a shopping bag.

Daphne: Hello Darling.
Niles: Hey, you.

They kiss.

Daphne: Well, we're all set. I got us a home pregnancy test, a basal
body thermometer and ovulation kit.

Martin sits down.

Niles: Oh, that's perfect. I can upload all your data into this
fertility program I bought.
Martin: You kids sure know how to keep the romance alive. [to the
waiter] Two coffees, please. Since when do you need a
chemistry set to have a baby?
Daphne: I hear an "In my day..." coming.
Martin: In my day it was simple: girl would put on something slinky,
guy comes home, has a couple of pops, throws some Dean Martin
on the Hi-Fi and bim-bam-boom, you're lightin' a Lucky.

Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Oh, Dad, Daphne. Hi. Niles, I've got to cancel our date,
I have to meet Roz's replacement over at the station before
the show.

He notices the layout on the table.

Frasier: What's this? Are you pregnant?
Daphne: Not yet, but we're trying.
Frasier: Oh, well, congratulations. You've got all the fertility
software and so forth?
Niles: Of course. We're not animals.
Daphne: We're very excited.
Niles: Yes, we were up half the night imagining life with our first
child.
Frasier: Yes, well, first child you know about.
Daphne: What does that mean?
Frasier: Hmm? Oh, it's not what you think, Daphne. I was just
referring to the time Niles sold his sperm to a sperm
bank. Surely you told her about it.

Niles looks flustered and is unable to speak as Daphne gives him a
sharp glance.

Frasier: Off I go.

He exits.

Daphne: You sold your sperm?
Niles: Well, it was when I was home from medical school. I saw an
ad for sperm donors, so I sold my sperm to a sperm bank...
Martin: Would you stop using that word?! Say "s."
Niles: I sold my "s" to earn some money so I could buy Dad a
Christmas present.
Martin: Which present?
Niles: The fishing pole.
Martin: You bought that with "s" money?
Daphne: Why didn't you tell me?

The waiter brings their coffees.

Niles: Oh, it was such a long time ago it completely slipped my mind.
You're not really upset, are you?
Martin: Well of course I am! That was my favorite pole.
Daphne: I just thought this would be the first child for both of us.
You could be a daddy already. There could be dozens of
little Niles Cranes running around. [points to a man] HE
could be your son. [points to another] Or HIM.
Niles: Oh, please, they look nothing like me. Besides, I only went
down there one time. It's entirely possible they never used
my sample.

An Impossibly Handsome Man comes over to the table.

Man: Can I borrow your sugar?
Daphne: Yeah.

Niles watches the youth, fascinated.

Niles: I better look into this.

FADE OUT

SHE'S ACK-BAY


Scene Two - KACL
FADE IN

Kenny and Frasier come into the hallway outside the producer's booth,
where a young lady is at the console.

Kenny: There she is. Now, I gotta warn you, Doc, she's uh, in a
eelchair-way.
Frasier: Does her handicap preclude her from understanding Pig Latin?

Kenny shrugs and leads Frasier into the booth.

Kenny: Doctor Frasier Crane, king of the shrinks, meet Dana
Willoughby, queen of the sound booth.
Frasier: Hello, Dana.
Dana: Oh, it's my pleasure.
Frasier: Likewise, I'm sure. Listen, if you have any questions,
anything you'd like to know, please feel free to call on
me. I'm here for you.

He notices Julia in the hallway.

Dana: You know, actually, there was one...
Frasier: Will you excuse me?

He hurries out. Reset to: the hallway.

Frasier: Julia!
Julia: Oh, hi, Frasier.
Frasier: Listen, we still on for dinner at Chez Henri tonight?
Julia: Of course. Do you have reservations?
Frasier: Not as long as you're wearing something black and slinky.

They laugh. Dana calls over the intercom.

Dana: Ten seconds, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Listen, why don't you stop by my place tonight for a cocktail
first?
Julia: I'll see you at seven.
Frasier: Okay.

He hurries to his desk and punches the mike up. He starts talking
even as he's putting on his headset.

Frasier: Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Our topic today
is: new beginnings. I'd like you all to join me in welcoming
a new member to the KACL family.

CUT TO: the hallway. Kenny is at the vending machine and Roz walks
past.

Roz: Hey, Kenny. Sorry I'm late.
Kenny: Hey, Roz... Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?
Roz: I work here!
Kenny: You quit.
Roz: Oh, come on, Kenny. If I quit, would I be here? Who's that?
Kenny: I'm sorry, I hired her because I thought... didn't you quit?
Roz: Kenny, what's wrong with you? Never mind. I'll fix it, like
always.
Kenny: Oh, thanks, Roz. I owe you one.

He hurries off. CUT TO: the booth as Roz comes in.

Frasier: As many of you may know, my producer of ten years, Roz Doyle,
has left us for greener pastures.

Through the window, we can see Roz taking off Dana's headset and
pulling her away from the console. Frasier doesn't notice.

Frasier: You know, Roz was not only known for her producing prowess,
but also for her warmth, her kindness and her gentle spirit.

Behind him we see Dana shoved, arms flailing, down the hallway.

Frasier: Very well, then, the beginning of a new era. Let's go to our
first caller.
Roz: [back at her console] We have Scott on line two.

Frasier rears back in shock, knocking his headset off. Roz just
smiles at him.

FADE TO:

THE S BANK


Scene Three - The S Bank
Niles is standing in the waiting area, a nurse (Karen) is at the
counter.

Karen: Niles Crane?

Niles steps up.

Karen: Hi. I'll get you a cup and you can start...
Niles: No, no. I've already donated my essence to your
establishment, now I'd like to get it back.
Karen: I'm sorry. It's against our policy to return essences.
Niles: Oh, I see. Well, could I at least check and see whether my
donation was used?

She turns to the computer.

Niles: You know, see if my deposit has drawn any interest. [grins]
Karen: Sir, I've worked here twenty-eight years. Think you can tell
me one I haven't heard? Go ahead, try me.

She stares at him, deadpan. He folds.

Niles: No.
Karen: [off the computer] According to our records, your sample
wasn't used.
Niles: So there are no little Niles Cranes running around. What a
relief.
Karen: [sarcastically] Isn't it?
Niles: Thank you for your time.

He starts to leave, then turns back to her.

Niles: Just a quick question: based on my qualifications, I'd assumed
there'd be some interest. Any nibbles?
Karen: According to our records, your sample was discarded. It was
rated sub-standard.
Niles: "Sub-standard"?
Karen: Your sperm had very low motility.
Niles: So they're...
Karen: Slow movers.
Niles: Really. But that was more than twenty years ago. There's a
chance that my situation's improved since then, isn't there?
Karen: Can YOU run faster now than you could twenty years ago?
Niles: So you're saying it might be difficult for my wife and me to
conceive?
Karen: Very difficult, yes. I'm sorry.
Niles: Uh, thank you.

He turns and walks across the room. When he opens the door, there is
a startled yell.

Niles: Excuse me, sir! Terribly sorry. Carry on.

He closes the door, then goes to the exit the nurse is pointing at.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment
FADE IN

Eddie is on the coffee table, his head buried in a bag of Cheetos.
The doorbell rings and Martin comes in from the kitchen to answer
it.

Martin: Eddie, you get stuck in there again and you're on your own.

Eddie pulls free of the bag and jumps over to the couch. Martin opens
the door to reveal Niles.

Martin: Hey, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Dad. Is Frasier here?
Martin: Uh, primping.
Niles: Oh.
Martin: He's going out with Julia.
Niles: Right, right. Daphne's going out with her mom tonight, so I
thought I'd borrow a DVD.
Martin: Oh, well, you're in luck. I just picked this one up: “Crime
Scene Bloopers 4: You Have the Right to Remain Zany.”
Niles: Sounds tempting, but I'm looking for something a little more
soothing. I didn't have the best day.

He grabs a different DVD from the shelf.

Martin: Oh, what happened?
Niles: Got some bad news at the "s" bank. Apparently I suffer from
low motility.

As he speaks, Niles walks around, shifting his loose baggy pants
around.

Martin: Oh. Sorry, son. How'd Daphne take it?
Niles: Uh, well I haven't had the heart to tell her yet. But I'm
hoping I won't have to. I did some research today and I found
out, there's some things I can do to... rouse the troops.
Martin: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Niles: Uh, for instance wearing baggy pants. And boxers instead of
briefs. Studies show that men who allow their genitals to
swing freely...
Martin: Okay, got it!
Niles: And well, no hot baths, no alcohol, raw seafood, uh... and I
started a regimen of dietary supplements. Which reminds me...

He pulls out a small bottle.

Martin: What's that?
Niles: French maritime pine bark extract. It boosts fertility and
also acts as a mild euphoric. Which accounts for the well-
known joviality of French sailors.

He uses an eyedropper to take some while Martin looks on in distaste.

Niles: Terrible aftertaste, though.

He grabs a Cheeto and pops it into his mouth, then makes a face of his
own.

Niles: I thought those were supposed to be crunchy.

Martin just shrugs and looks innocent. Frasier comes in from the
bedrooms.

Frasier: Oh, Niles. Dad, Julia is on her way, you told me you'd keep
to your room while she's here.

Martin gets up.

Frasier: And take your Cheetos-stained dog with you.
Martin: Eddie, come on boy.

Martin leads Eddie off as Niles notices his orange muzzle. A look of
disturbed realization crosses his face.

Niles: I'll be leaving too.

He reaches for the DVD as Frasier puts the Cheetos in the kitchen.

Frasier: No, Niles, could you stay for just a moment? There's
something going on in my life that requires a bit of
mulling. Sherry?
Niles: No, thanks.
Frasier: No? But we never mull without sherry.
Niles: Not for me.
Frasier: Very well. Have a seat.

He turns to get his sherry. Niles does some knee-bends and leg shakes.

Niles: Uh, I'd rather stand.
Frasier: Suit yourself. Anyway, it's about Roz. After quitting her
job, TWICE, she shows up back at work again, today, waist-deep
in a sea of denial. Well, I confronted her on the issue...

He breaks off as he notices Niles's movements.

Frasier: What the hell are you doing?
Niles: Sorry, go on.
Frasier: Anyway, I confronted her on the issue, and she refused to
discuss it with me. She wouldn't even look me in the eye.
Which leads me to just one conclusion, Niles: She's in love
with me.

He sits down and looks to Niles.

Niles: I wouldn't necessarily jump to that conclusion...
Frasier: That's because you don't have all the facts. I've never
shared this with you before, Niles, so brace yourself.
Two years ago, Roz and I slept together.
Niles: [feigning shock] GET OUT! You and Roz?
Frasier: We did have a chance to discuss it, thoroughly. Talk things
out. And at the time, she seemed happy to remain friends.
But I realize, now, that I must have kindled a spark in her.
That lit the torch she carries to this day. So what do you
think...?

He breaks off as he notices a low whine.

Frasier: Are your pants humming?
Niles: It's my testicular hypothermia device. It promotes motility
by keeping my nether regions at a cool and constant ninety-six
degrees.

The doorbell rings.

Frasier: Oh, dear.
Niles: No, no. That wasn't me...
Frasier: Yes, I know! I know that!

He gets up and answers the door. It is Julia, carrying several bags.

Frasier: Oh, Julia. Hi.
Julia: Hello.

They kiss.

Frasier: Good to see you. What's all this?
Julia: It's dinner. I know we said we'd go out, but I thought it'd
be more fun to stay in.

Frasier notices another bag.

Frasier: And what's in here? Is this dessert?

Julia pulls a slinky black negligee from the bag.

Julia: Well, you could call it that.

She smiles saucily, then notices Niles and stuffs it back in the bag.

Julia: Oh, hello, Niles.
Niles: Hello.
Julia: Well, I'll just go start dinner.
Frasier: Fine.

She heads to the kitchen.

Niles: Well, looks like someone's getting lucky tonight.
Frasier: She was, but I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
Niles: Why?
Frasier: Niles, Julia and I have never been together sexually. Look
what happened with Roz. We slept together two ago, she's
still suffering.

Niles looks questioningly at his word choice.

Frasier: In the sense of pining!
Niles: Well, Frasier, you don't really suppose that after one night
Julia...
Frasier: Oh, open your eyes, Niles! It's the same scenario: an
infatuated co-worker, a night of passion. What if things
don't work out between us? Every day she'll be forced to
stare through the glass at me. Wondering what might have
been, until one day, like Roz, she goes MAD!

Niles checks his watch.

Niles: Um... I'm leaving now. Can I pick you up anything on Earth?

He heads for the door.

Frasier: Oh, Niles, don't you see? I'm just trying to be responsible.
I don't want to sleep with Julia until I know that there's
a future for us.
Niles: Well, Frasier, I'm sure you'll make the right choice. But
if you'll permit me an observation, you do tend to take
things to extremes.

There is a beeping noise from Niles's pants.

Niles: Oh, I have to plug myself into the cigarette lighter and
recharge.

He leaves, Julia poses in the kitchen doorway.

Julia: So, alone at last.

She licks the spoon she's holding.

Frasier: Yes. But you know, there's really no need for you to go to
all this trouble. I mean, we can still have dinner at Chez
Henri's.
Julia: No. Dinner's coming along great. In fact, I've got a little
sauce right here if you want to taste it.
Frasier: Oh.

Instead of kissing her, he wipes the sauce with a cr*cker and takes
a bite.

Frasier: Mmm. That's yummy, yes.

Julia turns around and leans against him.

Julia: I've had such a stressful day. You know what would feel
great? A back rub. You know where I could find a pair of
strong, manly hands?
Frasier: You know, I think Zoltan from the club makes house calls.
Let me get you his number.
Julia: Frasier, is everything all right?
Frasier: Yes, of course.
Julia: Because if you're not interested...
Frasier: No, no, I am. I am. I'm very interested. It's just
that... before we take things to the next level, you should
know there are certain risks.
Julia: Oh, my God, you've got a sexually transmitted dis...
Frasier: No, no, no! Of course not! Of course not. Although, in a
manner of speaking...

The doorbell rings.

Frasier: Excuse me.

He answers the door and looks through the peephole.

Frasier: It's Roz!
Julia: What's she doing here?
Frasier: I don't know. Listen, just give us a moment or two together
and I'll get rid of her.
Julia: Fine.

He opens the door as Julia goes back to the kitchen.

Roz: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Hi, Roz.
Roz: Can I come in?
Frasier: Yes.

She enters.

Frasier: Is everything okay?
Roz: Look, I know how crazy I've been acting lately. Here last
night, and today at the radio station. I mean, I don't even
understand it myself. But then I took a long walk and I
think I've figured it out. I just feel so stupid.
Frasier: No, Roz. Not stupid, human. And all too vulnerable. You've
realized that you're in love with me.
Roz: No, that's not it.
Frasier: Come on...
Roz: I can see why you'd think that, based on how I've been
acting, but that's not it.
Frasier: Okay, okay, just to be clear. You haven't been pining for
me since we slept together?
Roz: God, no! Weren't you there?

Stung, Frasier quickly rearranges his mental priorities.

Frasier: Hold that thought, I've got to get in the kitchen and move
something back to the front burner.

He hurries off.

Reset to - the kitchen as he enters.

Frasier: Julia...
Julia: Oh let me guess: Roz is staying for dinner.
Frasier: No, no. Just us. Listen, I'd like to apologize for being
skittish earlier. I...just chalk it up to nerves. I mean,
after all, this is a big night for us. We've never done this
before.
Julia: I have.
Frasier: [laughing] As have I. What I meant was...
Julia: No, I know what you meant. You're forgiven.
Frasier: Thank you. Where were we? Oh, here. I believe we were
about to sample some sauce.

He dips his finger into the pan on the stove, then jerks in pain.

Frasier: Oh, that's hot! Oh, God! I'll just go get rid of Roz.

He rushes out to the living room.

Reset to - the living room as he hurries in, grabs Roz and rushes her
out the door.

Frasier: You know, Roz, we've got so much to talk about, what do you
say we pick this up again tomorrow over a cup of coffee?
Roz: [laughing] Okay. Thank God. You have quite the ego on you.
We slept together like two years ago. I mean what do you
think you are, some kind of slow acting, time-release love
b*mb?

Unseen, Julia comes in from the kitchen.

Frasier: [outraged] I don't remember you having any complaints when
we were in bed. I seem to recall hearing the term "stallion-
like"!
Roz: I never said that.
Frasier: Well, one of us did!
Julia: Okay, this is just too weird.
Frasier: Julia...
Julia: No, this is obviously a bad night for you.

She walks past them into the hall. Frasier follows.

Reset to – the hallway as Julia gets onto the elevator.

Frasier: Look, Roz was just leaving.
Julia: Well, I'll send the elevator back up for her.
Frasier: Julia, I...

The doors close.

Roz: Frasier, I'm so sorry about that.
Frasier: No, it's my fault. I never should have let you in.

They go back inside.

Reset to - the living room as Frasier closes the door.

Roz: Well, I guess I've given Julia another reason to hate me.
Frasier: She doesn't hate you, Roz.
Roz: Well, she doesn't like me. And when the girlfriend doesn't
like the friend, guess who gets the boot?
Frasier: That's not always true.

Roz sits down on the couch.

Roz: I just went through this with my dad. I was always really
close to him, even after my parents split up. And six months
ago, he married this woman I don't get along with and it's
like I don't exist.
Frasier: I'm sorry.
Roz: That's what I finally realized tonight. I guess I saw Julia
getting her hooks into you and I, I freaked.

Frasier sits beside her.

Frasier: Roz, the day a woman says I can't be friends with you is the
day I know I picked the wrong woman.
Roz: Thanks, Frasier.

They hug, then Frasier gets up.

Frasier: Say, Julia has a dangerously hot meal cooking in the kitchen.
Why don't you stay?
Roz: Oh, that sounds great. [getting up] Wait. She went to all
this trouble to make this dinner for you, if she finds out
I'm the one who ate it it'll k*ll her.
Frasier: You can't tell her, Roz.
Roz: Oh, come on, please?

She skips into the kitchen after him.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Niles's Apartment
The living room is lit softly and music is playing on the stereo.
Niles comes in the front, then looks around in confusion.

Niles: Hello?

Daphne appears on the landing wearing a black negligee.

Daphne: Hello.

Niles's mouth drops open in shock and he drops the DVD he's holding.

Niles: Daphne! What are you doing here? I thought you had plans
tonight.

She comes down the stairs.

Daphne: Who says I don't?

She uses a remote to start the fireplace and gets a bottle of champagne
out of the ice bucket.

Daphne: Champagne?
Niles: Oh, sounds wonderful. On second thought, not tonight.
Daphne: I just thought you might like something to wash down these
oysters.

She holds up a tray.

Niles: Oohhh... actually, I'm avoiding raw seafood. Would it be too
much trouble to put them in a bisque?
Daphne: Now?
Niles: I'm sorry. I'm just a little surprised by all this.

He takes the tray and puts it down. Daphne puts her arms around him.

Daphne: I just thought I'd follow your father's advice: a little less
science, a little more romance.

She kisses him, then notices the odd humming and beeping. She draws
back and stares at his pants.

Daphne: And apparently it's working.
Niles: That would be my TestiCool 2000.
Daphne: Your what?!

He motions and they sit on the couch.

Niles: I should have told you this earlier, I had some disappointing
news today. It seems that I suffer from low motility and it
might not be possible for us to conceive.
Daphne: Oh.
Niles: I'm so sorry.
Daphne: Oh, don't be sorry. We'll be all right. There's so many
things they can do these days to help infertile couples.
Niles: True.
Daphne: And until we find out more, I don't see why we don't give
Mother Nature a sh*t.

She pulls a test kit from her negligee.

Daphne: I took the test today, I'm ovulating.
Niles: [taking it] Ohhh... well, in that case, the last one
upstairs...

They get up and hurry for the stairs, but Niles pulls up short.

Niles: Uh, Daph, this isn't the ovulation kit, it's the pregnancy
test.
Daphne: Oh, silly me. They look so much ali...

They both stare at the test.

Niles: We're pregnant.
Daphne: Oh, my God, we are, aren't we?
Niles: But my slow sperm...
Daphne: I must have fast eggs.
Niles: Oh, Daphne, I love you!
Daphne: I love you too!

They embrace. Niles's pants emit a sharp beeping noise and he begins
jerking from electric shocks.

Niles: Ow, ooh, ah! Something seems to be short-circuiting!

He stumbles up the stairs, twitching and gasping. Daphne watches him
go, then looks down and smiles, patting her belly.

Daphne: That's your daddy!

She turns and heads up the stairs.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO