11x20 - And Frasier Makes Three

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 – Café Nervosa
Fade in. Frasier is just getting to a table. Niles comes in.

Niles: Just the man I wanted to see. Coffee, please.
Frasier: Niles, Niles...
Niles: You would not believe the morning I...
Frasier: Niles, would you be terrible offended if I asked you just not
to not talk about it and sit quietly?
Niles: Can I at least tell you...?
Frasier: Shhh, shhh, please, I do not have time for your folderol
today. I am meeting Charlotte for lunch and I'm planning my
strategy on how to win her over.
Niles: I thought you said she has a boyfriend, this environmentalist
fellow.
Frasier: Yes, Frank.

The waiter brings Niles' coffee.

Niles: Thank you. So, what's your plan to get around him?
Frasier: I'm merely going to present myself as the anti-Frank.
Niles: Ah. So you're going to be not rugged and not handsome?
Interesting.
Frasier: No.
Niles: You're also going to be not passionate and not committed.
Frasier: Very funny.
Niles: Maybe she'd like you if you were not interesting and not
informed.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Well you said my day was folderol!
Frasier: Sometimes it is!

CUT TO: Roz and a man talking at the window table.

Roz: I don't believe you.
Steve: It's true. My roommate and I used to listen to your show
Every day just for you. We fell in love with your voice.
Roz: Really? [in a dusky tone] It's just a voice.
Steve: Well, all the guys on my floor listen to you.
Roz: To our show?
Steve: Yeah.
Roz: Boy, things sure have changed since I was in college.
Steve: Well, it wasn't exactly college, more like prison.
Roz: So was mine. So where'd you go?
Steve: Prison.
Roz: Oh. So... you fell in love with my voice?

CUT TO: Niles and Frasier as Charlotte walks in.

Charlotte: Hi.

The boys rise.

Frasier: Charlotte, hi. You remember my brother Niles.
Niles: Yes, Charlotte, how are you?
Charlotte: Oh, hello. Well, frustrated. Been selling this guy all
over town, but no one's buying.
Niles: [sitting] Well, perhaps if you threw in a toaster.
Charlotte: I just have to call Frank before we head out.
Frasier: Oh, right. So everything's settled between the two of you?
Charlotte: Oh, yeah. He came over last night, I don't even remember
what we were fighting about.

She walks back to the payphone as Frasier grumpily turns to Niles.

Frasier: You know what THAT means, don't you? [sitting] They had a
long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
Niles: I just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.

Frasier glares for a moment, then gets a gleam in his eye.

Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Mmm?
Frasier: Keep an eye out for her, will you?
Niles: What are you doing?
Frasier: Research.

Frasier opens Charlotte's purse and begins looking through it.

Niles: Frasier, Frasier? Foul play!
Frasier: Yes, all is fair in love and w*r. That's interesting. An
anthology of Irish plays. Perfect!
Niles: What do you know about Irish plays?
Frasier: Nothing. But not for long. There's one area where no man
has ever bested me, Niles: homework!

Charlotte comes back and Frasier gets to his feet.

Frasier: Charlotte, listen, I was just beeped by a patient who's
desperate to see me, so do you mind if we just switch lunch
for dinner?
Charlotte: Actually, that's better for me. I have four new clients
coming in. Just think: the woman of your dreams may be
sitting in my office this afternoon.
Frasier: Indeed she may.

Frasier smiles, then turns and hurries out.

FADE OUT

Scene 2 - A Restaurant
Fade in. Frasier hurries up to the Maitre D', Georges.

Georges: Ah, Monsieur, so nice to see you again. Your special table
is ready for you.
Frasier: And the wine?
Georges: As you requested, monsieur.
Frasier: Right. And the roses?
Georges: I'm so sorry, monsieur, I felt that the scent would distract
from the wine's distinctive bouquet.
Frasier: You forgot them, didn't you?
Georges: Yes, forgive me.

He hangs his head.

Frasier: For God's sake, Georges. All right, send a busboy out to
pick some wild flowers, please.
Georges: Very good sir.

He heads off as Charlotte comes in the front.

Charlotte: Gee. You kinda sprinted ahead of me, there.
Frasier: So sorry. I just wanted to make sure that we could get a
table. Here, come and sit.
Charlotte: This place is kinda fancy for a working dinner.
Frasier: Yes, well, after the rigors of your camping trip with
Frank, I thought you deserved a little elegance.
Charlotte: Thank you. [She gets her notebook.] So, good news: I met
this great woman today. How do you feel about dating
someone a little taller than you?

Frasier pours the wine.

Frasier: How much taller?
Charlotte: I don't know exactly, but I did have to turn off the
ceiling fan.
Frasier: Well, let's just put her in the maybe pile, shall we?

Frank comes in and over to the table.

Frank: Hi, sweetie.
Charlotte: Hi.
Frank: Sorry to interrupt. I know you're working.
Charlotte: Frank, you know Frasier.
Frank: Yes.
Frasier: Yes, yes, good to see you, Frank.
Frank: I just need the key to your apartment. I left my blue field
notebook there and I want to double-check some whale songs I
copied down.
Charlotte: Oh, sure.
Frank: We were in a boat all day, recording whale songs. I think
we may have had a really big interpretive breakthrough.
Frasier: Oh, you should tell us about it sometime.
Frank: That's a great wine. Can I steal a glass?
Charlotte: Yeah, here. [to Frasier] You don't mind, do you?

Frank sits.

Frasier: No, no, not at all. Although as the Irish say: "A man
takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes
the man."
Frank: That's very good. "As the old cock crows, the young cock
learns."
Frasier: Yes, well, wasn't it O'Casey who once wrote: "The Irish
treat a serious thing as a joke, and a joke as a serious
thing."?
Charlotte: You'd really have to ask Frank about that. He's the one
who loves Irish literature. He lent me an anthology, but
I haven't made much of a dent in it. I'm sorry, honey, I'm
trying.
Frank: I know you are, baby.

He kisses her cheek as Georges brings a vase of wild flowers to the
table.

Georges: Your flowers as requested, monsieur. [noticing Frank] I'm
sorry, I thought you were to be deux.
Frasier: Yes, well now we are trois. Thank you, Georges, could you
bring us another glass, please.
Georges: [knowingly] Yes, I understand, monsieur. It is most
sophisticated of you.

He walks off.

Charlotte: Frasier, you ordered these flowers?
Frasier: Well, the table just looked so bare.
Frank: These are great choices, man. These are Washington wild
flowers, remember from our hike? Foxglove, fine toothed
penstemon, harsh paintbrush. Ah, remember this one?
Charlotte: Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue...
Frank: Monkey-flower.
Charlotte: Monkey-flower!
Frasier: Yes, often confused with the chimp-pansy.

They all laugh.

Charlotte: Frank made the same joke this morning.
Frasier: Oh.
Frank: Great minds.
Frasier: Yes, yes.

George brings the menus, Frasier speaks to him in French.

Frasier: Just two menus, Georges. This fellow is only staying for a
drink.
Frank: [in French] No, no. I'll take a menu. We're having fun.
And to tell you the truth, I'm starving.
Frasier: Oh, terrific.

As Frasier glares at his menu in frustration, the word "Merde"
appears in the subtitles.

[N.B. Georges is meant to be French, but if you listen carefully
you hear a hint of a Cockney accent.]

FADE TO:

Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Niles and Daphne are on the couch. Martin opens the front
door for Roz.

Martin: Hi, how ya doin'?
Roz: Hi. Hey, look at you, Mr. Handsome.
Martin: Thanks. I'm gonna go hear Ronee sing at the Rendezvous. And
then afterwards I am going to give her her engagement ring.

He shows it off with a flourish and Daphne takes the box.

Daphne: Oh, Martin, it's beautiful.
Roz: She's gonna love this.
Martin: Thanks. I forgot I had it. I bought it years ago for Sherry,
but then we broke up.
Daphne: You can't give Ronee a used ring!
Martin: Sherry never touched it.
Roz: Well, it doesn't matter. Ronee deserves something you picked
out just for her.
Martin: Well, she'll think I picked this out just for her.
Daphne: But you didn't.
Martin: But she'll think I did.
Daphne: But you didn't. You'll have to sell that and buy Ronee a new
one.
Martin: Oh, what's the difference? Niles, come on, back me up here.
Niles: You can't be serious!
Martin: Oh, geez.

He heads for his room.

Martin: Fine, back in the vault.
Daphne: Some vault. It's an old cigar box with a bunch of silver
dollars and Eddie's baby teeth.

[N.B. See [5.11], “Ain’t Nobody’s Business If ‘I Do.’”]

Frasier comes in from his room and grabs his jacket.

Frasier: Oh, hey, Roz. What are you doing here?
Roz: Oh, hi. I was just shopping around the corner, thought I'd
stop by.
Frasier: Oh, gosh, well unfortunately I have a date.
Roz: That's okay, I have one myself. With Steve.
Frasier: Oh, yes, your convict friend. Do you think that's wise?
Roz: The man made one mistake. Besides, I don't know any guy
who's not a little fascinated by fire.
Frasier: Yes, and a felon now knows where you live.
Roz: I'm not a total idiot.

Her cell phone rings and she answers it.

Roz: Hello? Oh, yeah, hi, Steve. I'm grabbin' my coat, I'll be
right down.

She walks past an outraged Frasier to the door.

Frasier: You...?!

She leaves.

Niles: So, you have a date tonight.
Frasier: Yes, yes, actually Charlotte and I have been out three times
this week. We've been wine tasting, beach-combing, and we
actually shared a blanket in a horse-drawn carriage.
Daphne: I take it Frank's off in the mountains again?
Frasier: Oh, no, he was there, too.

Martin comes back out.

Martin: Let's go.

The others get up.

Niles: You mean, it's been the three of you all week?
Frasier: Well, it's not exactly how I wanted, but the more time I
spend with them, the less time they spend alone together.

They follow Martin out the door.

Daphne: It doesn't bother Frank, you tagging along on their dates?
Frasier: Frank? No. In fact, he's quite taken with me. It doesn't
even occur to him that I might be a rival. Galling, yes, but
it does give me more time to work my magic on Charlotte.

CUT TO: the hallway as they wait for the elevator.

Frasier: In another week, you can kiss Frank goodbye.

The elevator opens to reveal Frank and Charlotte in a passionate
embrace.

Niles: Maybe we'll wait until there's not a line.

Frank and Charlotte come off the elevator.

Frank: Hi, guys.
Niles: Hello.

CUT TO: the living room as he passes Frasier in the doorway.

Frank: Gangsta!
Frasier: What it is.

Charlotte comes in as Frank plops down on the couch.

Frasier: So, uh, what's going on? I thought we were meeting
downtown.
Charlotte: I know, I'm sorry, but can we stay in tonight? I've got
to get up early and catch a flight to Chicago for some
divorce stuff, and Frank's b*at.

She sits next to him.

Frank: Yeah, I was at the beach all day cataloging the stomach
contents of a dead elephant seal. It was like all you can
eat down at the Lobster Pot. I'm sorry, the collapse of
our coastal fisheries is no joke. I'm just punchy.
Charlotte: We brought some movies. We couldn't agree on which one to
watch, so you break the tie.

She holds out the DVDs and Frasier sits on the coffee table to look
at them.

Frasier: Hmm... “The Perfect Storm” or “When Harry Met Sally.” I guess
I'm going to have to go for “When Harry Met Sally.”
Frank: YES! He'll have what I'm havin'!

Frasier just shrugs with his "I can't win" expression.

FADE TO:

MENAGE A HUH?


Scene 4 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Charlotte is waiting in the hallway. When the elevator
opens, Martin and Ronee get off. They notice that Charlotte’s
hair is unkempt.

Charlotte: Oh, hi. We keep passing each other.
Martin: Yeah. We got some dessert here, if you wanna stay.
Charlotte: Oh, no thanks. I've got to catch an early flight, but tell
Frasier I'll call him?
Martin: Sure. Bye.
Charlotte: Bye-bye.

The elevator closes.

Ronee: Do I know her?

He unlocks the door.

Martin: Yeah, she's the woman Frasier's been after. She has a
boyfriend already, but maybe somethin' happened.
Ronee: I'll say. You don't get that hair-style sitting up.

CUT TO: the living room as they come in and Martin turns on the light.
Frasier is asleep on the couch, Frank is asleep and curled against his
shoulder.

Martin: Oh, geez!

He heads off to his room.

Ronee: Well, so long as he's happy.

FADE OUT

End of Act 1

Act 2

LORD OF THE RING


Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. The doorbell rings and Martin answers. It is Niles and
Daphne.

Martin: Oh, hi guys.
Niles: Hey, Dad.
Frasier: Hey, Daphne, Niles. Listen, the opera tickets are right there
by the phone. Wish I could use them myself.

Daphne sits down, Niles hangs up his coat.

Niles: You know, if you'd gotten a third, you could take that couple
you're dating.
Frasier: Yes, that's very droll. Frank injured himself on our hike,
so I've got Charlotte all to myself this evening. I'm not
going to waste this opportunity. I'm going to make her a
romantic dinner and then tell her how I feel about her.
Martin: Wow, really?
Niles: Are you sure she's ready for that?
Frasier: Well, I don't know, but I can't stand this ridiculous
threesome anymore. You know, the worst part is how
completely unthreatening Frank finds me. As if I'm
some sort of a harem eunuch.

He grabs some bags and his keys and gets ready to leave.

Daphne: How'd he hurt himself, anyway?
Frasier: Well, he strained his back carrying me over a brook.
Niles: You wounded him and you're stealing his woman in the same
day?
Frasier: Well, I didn't ask the man to carry me! He simply hoisted
me over his shoulder before I could stop him. That's not
something you get used to, no matter how many times it
happens.
Martin: Don't you worry about it. You just do what you gotta do.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Wish me luck. I'm making her beef bourguignon
from a new recipe.
All: Good luck.
Niles: Flour the beef.

Frasier takes spirit from this, then closes the door behind him.

Daphne: You're looking very sharp.
Martin: [getting up] Oh, I got the new ring.

Daphne gets up and Niles crowds in.

Daphne: Oh, let's have a look.
Martin: I sold the old one and got this new one this morning.

Daphne opens the box and Niles reels back a little.

Niles: Dad, it's huge.
Daphne: Oh, it's beautiful, Martin.
Martin: Yeah.

Ronee comes in the front.

Ronee: Hi.
Martin: Hey.
Ronee: What's goin' on?
Martin: Nothin'. Oh, you look lovely tonight. But you know, I think
your hand is kinda underdressed.

He holds the ring out to Ronee who takes it excitedly.

Ronee: Oh, my God! Marty, it's gorgeous. I love it and I love you,
in that order.

She hugs him.

Ronee: Oh, thank you. Listen, I've got to go wash my hands. I was
eating Cheetos all the way over.
Martin: I love this lady.

Ronee hurries off, Daphne takes the ring again.

Daphne: Oh, let's have a look. Oh, it's brilliant. Oh, you had it
inscribed!
Martin: I did?
Niles: "Lil' Cupid. Til Def Do Us Part." What is that?
Martin: Let me see that.
Daphne: Isn't "Lil' Cupid" that obese rapper? The one they arrested
for dr*gs?
Niles: Where did you get this ring?
Martin: At an auction! [off their looks] A police auction.
Niles: You can't give that to her!
Martin: Well I can't take it back, she loves it.
Daphne: Well, what are you going to tell her?
Martin: Well, just relax, I'll handle it.

Ronee comes back in.

Martin: Well, there's my lil' cupid. All beautiful and clean. All
you need is a bow and arrow, Lil' Cupid.
Ronee: Why are you calling me that?
Martin: I always call you that.
Ronee: No, no you don't.
Martin: Well, uh, maybe I mostly say it when you're not around.

He looks at Niles and puts the ring on her finger.

Niles: Oh, yes. It's always "Lil' Cupid said this." or "Lil' Cupid
did that."
Daphne: It looks beautiful on you.
Ronee: Thank you.
Martin: Now, promise me you'll never take it off, Lil' Cupid.
Ronee: Okay, okay. I promise if you'll stop calling me that.
Martin: Deal.

They kiss.

Ronee: I'm gonna go look at this in the mirror.

She goes to the powder room.

Daphne: How did you get it to fit her? Lil' Cupid's as big as a
house.
Martin: Keep your voice down. It was a toe ring.

He smugly sits back in his chair with a beer.

FADE TO:

Scene 2 - Charlotte's Apartment
Fade in. Charlotte is sitting at her table, Frasier comes in with two
plates.

Frasier: Here we are. Beef bourguignon with sautéed fiddlehead
ferns and walnut chutney.
Charlotte: It's exactly what I need after the day I've had.
Frasier: Well, maybe I could give you a neck rub while it cools.

He starts giving her a massage.

Charlotte: Oh... oh, you're the best. You know, I am so sorry you've
had to put up with all this business with me and Frank.
Frasier: What business?
Charlotte: Well, you know, all this tension between us.
Frasier: There's tension?
Charlotte: He's a great guy, we just seem to be... I don't know...
Frasier: Fighting? Growing apart? Not clicking?

There is a knock at the door.

Frank: Darling.

Charlotte gets up quickly, snagging her hair.

Frasier: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, it's my watch. It's caught.
Charlotte: Oh, got it?

She turns around in his arms, while he reaches up and tries to release
her hair. Frank comes in while they're in this compromising position.

Frank: Shoulda known. The minute I'm laid up, you're over here
making my lady dinner. You're true blue, buddy.

He walks over and kisses Charlotte on the cheek.

Frank: Hi, baby.
Charlotte: Hello, Frank.

He snatches a bite from Frasier's plate.

Frank: Mmm, walnut chutney, that's daring.

Frasier finally gets untangled and helps Charlotte to her seat.

Frank: Were you giving her a back rub?
Frasier: Uh, was I? Yes, I suppose I was, yes.
Frank: Would you mind doing me? I took an aspirin after the hike,
and my neck's still a little tight.

Frasier starts massaging Frank's shoulders.

Frank: So, tell me all about Chicago. How was it?
Charlotte: I'll tell you later.
Frank: Oh, that's nice.
Charlotte: Frasier, stop rubbing his neck. Sit down.

Frasier does.

Frank: Why can't he rub my neck?
Charlotte: Because when you came in, we were just sitting down to
dinner. You could've called first.
Frank: Well, I didn't know I needed to get clearance. Geez,
you're as touchy as a hermit thrush.
Charlotte: This is typical of you. You come in here, you expect me
to change my plans because you're suddenly available. It's
insensitive.
Frank: Oh, I'M insensitive. I've been tracking a pod of humpback
whales for a week and they've been talking their asses off,
but have you once asked me what Bonnie has to say? Or
Robert? Or Grace?
Charlotte: They're WHALES!
Frank: They're my friends!
Charlotte: Stop yelling. You're upsetting Frasier.
Frank: I didn't do anything. I came in here, kissed you hello,
and you jumped down my throat. What the hell is your
problem?
Charlotte: You are! You are driving me crazy!
Frank: Do you believe her?
Charlotte: Don't you drag him into this! Oh, you know what, I can't
deal with this tonight.

She gets up.

Frank: Well, when can you deal with it? I'll call ahead and make
an appointment.
Charlotte: I think you should leave.
Frank: Fine!

He gets up.

Frank: Come on, Frasier, let's go.

He heads for the door while Charlotte heads for the bathroom.
Frasier just looks confused.

Frank: Times like this, a guy really needs his buddy.

Giving up, Frasier tosses down his napkin and follows Frank out.

DISSOLVE TO: later.
Charlotte is on the couch, slumped down and drinking wine.
Frasier knocks on the door and comes in.

Frasier: Hi. Just wanted to see how you're doing.
Charlotte: Tip-top. How's your friend?
Frasier: He went someplace dark. I couldn't follow.

He sits down next to her.

Charlotte: Him and his moods.
Frasier: No, no, he climbed some kind of pine tree.
Charlotte: Look, I'm, I'm sorry about all that. I think this is it
for Frank and me.
Frasier: Really?
Charlotte: It's just not working. I think I was always attracted to
the idea of him more than him.
Frasier: This may seem inappropriate, but I'm not entirely sad to
hear you say that.
Charlotte: What do you mean?
Frasier: I would think my feelings were obvious by now. All the
time we've been spending together.

Charlotte sits up and puts down her glass.

Charlotte: I just thought it was because you were hitting it off with
Frank.
Frasier: Are you kidding? The man smells like a chum boat. You,
you're the one I wanted to be with. Look, uh, I realize
you're in a vulnerable state and you probably need some
time to process this, so I'll just, uh...

He gets up.

Charlotte: Don't go. I've been thinking a little about you, too.
Frasier: Really?

He sits back down.

Frasier: Well, then.

He leans over and kisses her, laying her back on the couch.

Charlotte: Oh, God, I'm uncomfortable.
Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm rushing things.
Charlotte: No, no, it's just I'm lying on a wine bottle.

She puts it aside and they start kissing again.

FADE TO:

Scene 3 - Charlotte's Apartment
Fade in. Charlotte is in bed, rain can be heard outside.
Frasier comes in with two mugs.

Frasier: Good morning.

Charlotte sits up with a worried look on her face.

Charlotte: Oh, dear God, please tell me nothing happened last night.

Frasier is dumbstruck.

Charlotte: I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

Frasier, relieved, sits on the bed and gives her a kiss. She takes
one of the mugs.

Charlotte: I'm glad you stayed.
Frasier: Me too.

Frank comes in the front door, wearing a bandage.

Frank: Hey, guys. You're in my robe. Guess you got caught in the
rain, too, huh?
Frasier: Yes, I did.

Frank sits on the edge of the bed.

Frasier: What happened to your hand?
Frank: Ah, I was so mad last night, I punched a raccoon. God, I'm
a bastard. You're a good guy to come check on her. Never
understand why women don't like you. [to Charlotte] Can
we talk?
Charlotte: Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Frasier: My clothes should be dry by now.

He grabs them from the floor beside the bed and hurries to the
bathroom. Charlotte puts on her robe and Frank gets up.

Frank: So, what's goin' on with us?
Charlotte: Oh, come on Frank. I think you know it's not working.
Frank: Yeah.
Charlotte: And, anyway, there's something else you should know. When
I was in Chicago, my ex told me he's moving to New York.
So, I bought the old business from him. I'm moving back
home.

She sits down on the couch, Frank sits down next to her.

Frank: You sure about this?
Charlotte: Yeah. I mean, I know Chicago, I have friends there.
Seattle just hasn't panned out for me. I thought you
should be the first to know.
Frank: Well, I know you'll do great.
Charlotte: So will you.

Frasier comes out of the bathroom.

Frasier: Uh, I should be going.

Frank and Charlotte stand up.

Frank: That's okay. You stay, I'm goin'.

He walks over and hugs Frasier.

Frank: You know this isn't your fault, right partner? You be good,
buddy.

He leaves.

Frasier: I know I should feel sad for Frank, but I can't help
feeling happy.
Charlotte: Frasier, I...

He kisses her quickly.

Frasier: Listen, I'm late for about three things, so can I see you
later this afternoon? Maybe after my show?
Charlotte: Okay, after your show.
Frasier: Perfect. Look, I hate to jinx this, but I'm so glad about
what happened.

He kisses her again and leaves. She slowly sits back down, a worried
look on her face.

FADE OUT

End of Act 2

Credits:

Martin and Ronee are eating at Georges' restaurant. Ronee shows him
her ring and he's impressed while Martin proudly looks on. Lil' Cupid,
the rapper, comes in with his date and Georges leads them to a table.
Passing by, he notices Ronee's ring and comments on it. Martin quickly
covers her hand with his and stares him off.