11x23 - Goodnight, Seattle I

[bunniefuu]

[N.B. The transcript has not been divided cleanly in half, owing to
the extended length of the U.S. broadcast version. So, Acts One
and Five have been transcribed by Nick Hartley, and Acts Two, Three
and Four by Mike Lee.]

Skyline: A rainbow arcs out of the building line and touches the
first letter of the title.

ACT ONE

Scene One – An Airplane Cabin
A rather pensive Frasier Crane is sitting on a plane, looking out of
the window. It would seem the plane is going through some turbulence -
a jolt of which is especially felt by Anne, the young lady in black
sitting next to him.

Frasier: [calmly] You all right?

Anne takes a deep sigh and turns to him, still pressing herself into
the seat.

Anne: [embarrassed smile] I hate flying.
Frasier: Just a little turbulence, we’ll be through it in a minute.

Another jolt makes Frasier doubt his words.

Frasier: Mother of God!
Anne: This is so embarrassing. I mean, I treat people for this.
I’m a psychiatrist.
Frasier: Well, there’s a small world, I’m a psychiatrist too.
[putting out his hand:] Dr. Frasier Crane.
Anne: Ooh, I’ve heard your show. [returning the handshake:] Dr.
Anne Ranberg.

[N.B. Anne Ranberg is a blend of the names of two previous Frasier
writers; Anne Flett-Giordano and Chuck Ranberg.]

Frasier: Lovely to meet you.
Anne: Nice to meet you. Now, don’t let me interrupt you. You
seemed kinda deep in thought.
Frasier: Oh, I suppose I was. It’s been a rather eventful three
weeks for me.
Anne: Well, if you want to talk about it, it might get our minds
off the flight.
Frasier: It’s really rather personal... It’s nothing you’d be
interested in.
Anne: [accepting] Okay, then.

They sit back comfortably into silence but after another jolt of
turbulence...

Frasier: So I was dating this woman...
Anne: Mmm-hmm...

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Two – Frasier’s Bedroom
The scene takes us back with Frasier’s story. Frasier and Charlotte
are wrapped in each other’s arms in his bed. They look perfectly
serene.

Charlotte: [drowsily] Weren’t we on our way to lunch?
Frasier: Yes, but then you followed me in here when I came to get
my briefcase and uttered the fatal phrase that no man can
resist.
Charlotte: [laughing] I said I liked your pillow shams.
Frasier: Nice try, my little temptress, but I’m down for at least
an hour.
Charlotte: [laughs and caresses his face] Do you still have time for
lunch before work?
Frasier: Well, my show doesn’t start till two, and it’s only...

Frasier looks at the clock to see how many more Frasier hours
Charlotte will be able to clock up.

Frasier: [jumps up in bed] Oh dear God!

It is two o’clock.

SMASH CUT TO: Radio Station
Roz is stressing on the phone as an even more anxious Kenny bursts
in.

Kenny: Where the hell is he?
Roz: I don’t know. [hanging up] I called his cell, I called his
house... You’re going to have to go on for him.
Kenny: Me?!
Roz: Yeah, you – well, I’m not. Last time I did it, it was a
total disaster!

[N.B. An obvious reference to [10.2] “Enemy at the Gate,” when an
overconfident Roz took over Frasier’s show, and ended up letting
slip over the air that she and Frasier had slept together.]

Roz: Aren’t you always saying you used to be a DJ?
Kenny: Oh, twenty years ago, I can’t do that anymore!
Roz: Well, it better come back to you, you’ve got five seconds.

Roz pushes him into the presenter’s booth.

Kenny: I can’t! I’m a nervous wreck! My palms are sweaty, my
mouth is like cotton...

Roz directs him to the microphone and instantly Kenny becomes a
hideous D.J. monster with a voice sounding like the voice-over
narrator on movie trailers after a bad dose of helium.

Kenny: Hey, Emerald City, Kenny Daly heerrre! Master of the Mike,
Baron of the Booth, the Man of the Hour, too sweet to be
sourrrr! [puts on headphones] The doctor’s ouuuut today,
but Kenny’s heerrre - filling the seat, takin’ the heat!
I might even throw in a call or two to Grandma Gert.
[typical old lady’s voice:] But no kids, I hate kids!
[back to the voice of D.J. Daly Hell] Whoo-hoo, she’s in
a mood today!

Kenny looks up at an unbelieving Roz. However, he fails to translate
the signals being made by her boggling eyes, and just grins.

CUT TO: Frasier’s Bedroom
Meanwhile, back in the bedroom... Charlotte is listening to Kenny’s
ramblings as Frasier dresses in the bathroom.

Kenny: [v.o. from the radio:] Who’s this coming into the booth?
Why, it’s Percy Von Snootenheim!
Frasier: [o.s. from the bathroom] Turn that off!

Charlotte complies as Frasier comes out of the bathroom dressed for
work.

Frasier: I’m sorry I have to rush off. I wish we could spend the
whole day together. [leans in to kiss Charlotte]
Charlotte: I don’t leave for Chicago until midnight. I’ll, I’ll
come over and make you dinner.
Frasier: Oh that sounds great, I’d love that.

They touch hands and then part.

Charlotte: Any requests?
Frasier: Uh... I liked what I had for lunch.
Charlotte: [blushing] Why don’t I just surprise you?
Frasier: Still sounding like lunch.

He laughs and leans in to kiss her again.

CUT TO: Radio Station
Back in the studio, Roz’s mind begins to shut down as she listens
to Kenny embarrass himself further. He is sat with his feet on the
console, and the microphone in his hands.

Kenny: Isn’t that a great song, people? Really brings back the
memories. Sorry I kinda forgot the words there in the
middle. So let’s toss it to the news! [clicks a button
with vigor]

Frasier sneakily enters from the producer’s door.

Roz: Where the hell have you been?
Frasier: I’m sorry, I am sorry. I had a doctor’s appointment, it
couldn’t be helped!

Frasier enters the presenter’s booth and relieves Kenny of his
duties.

Kenny: Just in time, Doc. This turned out to be one of your
better shows.
Frasier: Well thank you, Kenny.

Frasier sits in worry to find his angst rising when an old friend
suddenly appears in the booth. Behold, the return of Special Agent
Bebe Glazer – licensed to make you a star!

Bebe: Darling!
Frasier: Bebe?! What are you doing here?
Bebe: [flinging her arms around him] I just came by to see my
favorite client, [kisses him on the cheek, then turns to
Kenny] and the wonderful man who’s giving him such a
happy, happy home.
Kenny: Ah, you’re the best, Bebe!

Bebe smiles as she shuts the door on him, and then in a heartbeat
turns to Frasier and says:

Bebe: Good news, I’m busting you out of this hellhole!
Frasier: What?!
Bebe: Did you ever hear of Dr. Mark Reisman?

[N.B. Mark Reisman is a reference to a man of the same name who
previously worked on “Frasier” as a producer.]

Frasier: The San Francisco radio psychiatrist? Yes, we had a nice
encounter once at a conference.
Bebe: Well, last week he had a not-so-nice encounter with a
falling air conditioner.

She sticks her tongue out and gestures to her throat as if to slit
it.

Bebe: Anyway, they want you to replace him and the money’s huge!
Frasier: Poor Mark... what a ghastly way to die!
Bebe: Yes, I cried so hard it was all I could do to stuff your
demo tape in the Fed-Ex pouch. But they want you!
Frasier: Well, it’s very tempting, Bebe, but I’m very happy here in
Seattle. I don’t want to leave.
Bebe: Darling, it’s San Francisco! Do you know what life is like
there for a good-looking straight man? You’ll be like a
Snickers bar at a fat camp!

She knows just what to say to tempt him mightily. He considers it
for a moment, then...

Frasier: [resisting the Bebe temptation] Uhhh... No. My answer is
still no, Bebe. I’ve got to begin my show. [sits down]

Bebe heads to the door and to the next stage of her plea.

Bebe: Well, that’s gratitude for ya! Do you have any idea the
lengths I went to to make this happen? [opens the door]
Frasier: Wait a minute. You were in San Francisco last week. Don’t
tell me...!
Bebe: I was nowhere near that air conditioner. [teasing:] You’re
worse than the police.

Bebe giggles like the Devil and leaves Dr. Faust-ier without his
soul.

FADE OUT

THE GULFS MAY WASH
US DOWN


Scene Three – Frasier’s Apartment - Kitchen
We are presented with a visual image of Charlotte’s opening line:
her cooking at the stove, Frasier behind her with his arm wrapped
around her waist, nuzzling her affectionately.

Charlotte: We are such a cliché! Little woman at the stove, big
rugged man with his brawny arm...
Frasier: Oh, the hollandaise is breaking!

As she turns her attention to the imperilled sauce, Frasier removes
his brawny arm and enters the living room, carrying a bottle of
wine.

Reset to: Living Room
The table is set for two. Martin, dressed in his suit, enters from
his bedroom.

Frasier: Dad, I thought you were going out with Niles and Daphne?
Martin: I’m waiting on Ronee.
Frasier: Yes, well, Charlotte is leaving for Chicago in three hours.
This is our farewell dinner.

Charlotte enters, carrying two plates.

Charlotte: Oh, hi Martin.
Martin: Oh, hi, how are ya? Don’t worry, we’re leaving. I’m not
going to spoil your romantic mood. [shouts down the
hallway:] Hey, Ronee, what, did you fall in?!

The doorbell sounds.

Frasier: Good heavens, I thought that you were meeting them
downstairs.
Martin: [heading to the door] That’s what I thought too.

Martin opens the door to find a befuddled Kenny Daly.

Kenny: Hey, Martin. Oh, thank God you’re home, Doc. I’m going a
little crazy, I need some advice.
Frasier: [trying to excuse him] Kenny, we just put dinner on the
table.
Kenny: Oh thanks but I’m too worked up to eat. Doing your show
today, I... I got the fever! I want to get back behind the
mike. But should I quit my job, throw away my whole career
and financial security just to chase some cock-a-mamie
dream?!
Frasier: [with a big smile] Yes! Off you go!
Kenny: You didn’t even have to think about it! You always
believed in me, Doc!

Kenny throws his arms around Frasier in a zealous hug. He suddenly
spots Charlotte and, whilst still hugging Frasier, holds out his
hand.

Kenny: Hi. Kenny Daly.
Charlotte: [shakes hand] Hi, nice to meet you.
Frasier: This is Charlotte.
Kenny: [welling up] I’m getting all messy here. Let me just pop
into the powder room real fast.

Kenny leaves to the powder room as Martin shouts back down the
hallway.

Martin: Ronee! While we’re young!
Ronee: [enters] Too late! [to Frasier] Well, have a great evening,
you two.
Frasier: Yes, thank you. Bye.
Ronee: Oh damn it, my contact slipped, hang on.

Ronee opens the powder room door.

Kenny: [o.s. from the bathroom] Whoa!
Ronee: Whoa yourself. [closes door] Do we know him?

The front door opens revealing the terrible twosome... nearly
threesome.

Niles: Knock-knock.
Frasier: Oh, for God’s sake!
Niles: Now, I know it’s your special night but my very pregnant
wife insisted we come up.
Daphne: [holding up her hands, pushing her legs together] Oh sorry,
won’t be a minute.

Daphne goes for the powder room door.

Kenny: [o.s. from the bathroom] Whoa!
Daphne: [closes the door] Oh, sorry! I’ll just run down the
hall.
Charlotte: Maybe I’ll start over on that dinner.

Daphne leaves as Charlotte excuses herself to the kitchen. Martin,
Niles, and Ronee, to Frasier’s great frustration, sit down to wait
for Daphne.

Niles: I’m sorry for intruding, but nowadays Daphne can’t go ten
minutes... we’re late for everything.
Frasier: Yes, well, you know how Chez Henri hates it when people are
Late, so I tell you what, why don’t we call for that
elevator right now...

He energetically goes to the door, urging everyone to follow him.

Frasier: And tell Henri that the first round of drinks is on me!

Frasier opens the door to find another surprise. A drunken
surprise. Of English heritage.

Simon: Whiskey, please!
Frasier: Simon?!
Simon: Oh Frasier, how are ya? [greets Frasier with a hug]
Frasier: Please leave immediately.

Simon bellows a laugh as Daphne returns.

Simon: Hey! Oh, there’s my little sister. You’re not so little
any more now, are you? [he advances to her pregnant bump]
Daphne: [stands back from the drunk smell] Simon, what are you
doing here?
Simon: Well I heard you was knocked up so I, er, brought you a
present. Come on in, lads!

Richard E. Grant and Robbie Coltrane enter... um, sorry, I mean
Daphne’s brothers, Michael and Stephen Moon, enter from the hallway.
Daphne greets them with excitement. Frasier and Niles greet them
with immediate concern.

Michael: Hello, sis!
Daphne: Oh my God, Michael! [hugs him] And Stephen! [hugs him]
Simon: We knew you’d be here when we went to your house and you
wasn’t there.
Stephen: So we took the liberty of leaving our things in your guest
room.
Niles: How did you get in?
Michael: [mumbled, pointing at Niles] How did we...

They burst out into a fit of boisterous laughter.

It should be noted that all of Michael’s speech is mumbled, which
combined with his thick accent makes his speech very hard to
understand. Think of the character of Joseph in “Wuthering Heights”
and move west over the Pennines.

I must say, Coltrane’s attempt at the Mancunian accent is easily the
best seen so far on the show. Interestingly, he is also a Scot in
reality, just like Brian Cox, who played Daphne’s father, Harry.
--Nick Hartley

[N.B. Think also of Brad Pitt’s character in Guy Ritchie’s “Snatch.”
However, I notice that Nick is uniquely qualified to make some sense
of it. The American transcribers doing the closed captioning for
the episode simply wrote, “unintelligible gibberish.” --Mike Lee]

Daphne: Stephen and Michael, this is my husband, Niles. [hand
shakes occur] Oh and his brother, Frasier. And this is
Martin and his fiancée Ronee. And, er, [looking over at
the previous occupant of the bathroom] sorry, your name
again?
Kenny: Kenny.
Daphne: Kenny.
Michael: So, lads, I tell you what... [mumbling] You’ve a lovely
‘ouse. [motioning around the room] It’s come rhand thee’re,
rhand thee’re... [mumbling unintelligibly] he’s done bloody
well for himself.
Simon: That’s right, Michael. Frasier does very well for himself.
Tell you what, let’s take the tour.
Frasier: [hands up] There will be no tours!
Martin: Listen, uh, why don’t you guys join us for dinner?
Stephen: Good, I’ll lay the table. [picks up cutlery] Is this real
silver? [attempts to bend it]
Frasier: Give me that! [takes it off of him]

Michael, meanwhile, is man-handling Frasier’s Chihuly glass
sculpture.

Michael: Oh, wow, see, platey, platey, platey... [mumbling
unintelligibly] It’s a bloody great ash tray.
Frasier: [shrieks in terror] Put that down!

He rushes over and takes it from him in disgust.

[N.B. Since the Chihuly is genuine and valued at upwards of $75,000,
what Robbie Coltrane and Kelsey Grammer are juggling may well be a
replica.]

CUT TO: Kitchen
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Charlotte is back cooking at the stove,
smiling happily - unaware that Simon is the man fondling her from
behind.

Charlotte: [teasing:] You know, we could have some real fun if you
got rid of some of those people.
Simon: Oh, just give us a minute then, love...

Charlotte screams and runs into the lounge. Simon follows.

Reset to: Living Room
Frasier runs over to catch Charlotte coming out.

Charlotte: Who is that creep?
Simon: You know, I’m getting some very mixed signals.
Frasier: All right, that’s it! I want you all out of here! [pushing
Simon] And I do not mean a leisurely exit, I mean a
break-neck, trampling-each-other, this-theatre’s-on-fire
stampede!

They all leave but Simon holds up for a second.

Simon: Yeah, all right, okay, I can take a hint, Frasier! Right.
Look, that’s a lovely woman that you’ve got for yourself.
Congratulations.

He hugs Frasier.

Frasier: Yes, thank you.
Simon: Yeah, yeah. [looks over Frasier’s shoulder at Charlotte and
gestures to her] Give us a call, I’ll be at Daphne’s...
Frasier: Oh, get out of here!

Frasier pushes him out and finally slams the door on them for the
peace with Charlotte he desired.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Four – Apartment, three hours later.
Frasier and Charlotte are finishing up their final game of Scrabble.

Frasier: Because it’s not a word.
Charlotte: Yes, it is.
Frasier: No, it’s not.
Charlotte: Yes, it is.
Frasier: Use it in a sentence.
Charlotte: “Her grandmother’s bed was warm and... quilty.”
Frasier: [looking at another of her words] And why is she lying
there? Because she’s feeling all “befevered” again?
Charlotte: [smiling sweetly] Could I borrow your “F”? I’ve got a
little message for you.

He chuckles. Charlotte’s mobile rings. She answers.

Charlotte: Hello. Okay, thanks. [hangs up] My car’s here.

Frasier murmurs in understanding.

[N.B. In Laura Linney’s recent film, “Love Actually” the trademark
of her character was a stubborn refusal to turn her mobile off, no
matter how many times it rang at just the right moment to k*ll
romance.]

Frasier: I still don’t know why you won’t let me drive you to the
airport.
Charlotte: No, I can’t stand all that airport goodbye stuff. This
is better. [goes to gather her belongings]
Frasier: Right. Uh, well then...

Frasier and Charlotte walk towards each other.

Charlotte: Let’s not...
Frasier: ...right.
Charlotte: [tearing up] Because if you start...
Frasier: Yeah. Me too. Okay. Well then, uh, good luck in
Chicago.

Charlotte and Frasier look into each other’s eyes. Frasier is in
the middle of yet another goodbye. They hug dearly.

Charlotte: Thanks.
Frasier: Got your ticket?
Charlotte: [looks in bag] Uh, yeah.
Frasier: Great, great. Oh, oh, [darts to set of drawers next to
toilet] listen, I have a little something here for you.
Charlotte: Damn it. I knew you were going to do something sweet
like that. I didn’t get you anything.
Frasier: It’s just a hair band I found in the shower drain.

He presents the lost band to her.

Charlotte: Thanks.
Frasier: Yeah. [chuckles] Uh, let me get your coat. [he does]
Charlotte: This wasn’t supposed to be so hard.
Frasier: [helping her on with her coat] I don’t know about you,
but I’ve had enough easy goodbyes. I’m kinda glad to
have the chance to have another tough one.
Charlotte: [putting her hand in his] Thank you for a great three
weeks.

They kiss goodbye.

Frasier: Bye, Charlotte.
Charlotte: Bye, Frasier.

She leaves. Frasier looks back at his empty apartment and begins to
slowly walk back to the sofa. He is stopped by a knock on the door.
He opens it to find Charlotte back again.

Charlotte: Forgot my scarf!
Frasier: Oh. Oh, my fault.

He tenderly winds it around her neck.

Frasier: Right.

They tentatively kiss once more goodbye.

Frasier: Bye.
Charlotte: Yeah.

She leaves. Frasier looks back again at his once more empty
apartment and begins to slowly walk back to the sofa only to
find another, albeit similar, interruption. He opens the door
again...

Charlotte: Cell phone.
Frasier: Oh. Yes. Yes. Oh, here.

Frasier goes round the room to take the cell phone off of the table.
Charlotte chooses a different route. They make a move at the same
times and bang their heads together.

Both: Ow!
Frasier: Sorry.
Charlotte: No, it’s my fault.
Frasier: My word. Ah....

They look back at each other, clutching their heads.

Charlotte: See ya.
Frasier: See ya.

She leaves. Frasier looks back and... you know the drill.

Frasier: Oh for God’s sake, what now?

He opens the door and finds Charlotte open-armed. They hug
passionately.

Charlotte: We couldn’t say goodbye on a head butt.

They kiss passionately.

Charlotte: Feel better?
Frasier: Positively quilty.

They part. For real.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO


Scene Five – Apartment
The next morning. Martin opens the door to Niles, carrying a shopping
bag.

Martin: Oh hey, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Dad.
Martin: What are you doing here?
Niles: Escaping. I woke this morning to find Daphne’s brothers
playing a game called “I Can Reach It From Here.” Give you
a hint, the “It” was a toilet. And there were no winners.

They sit at the dinner table.

Niles: Oh, also I stopped by to see how Frasier’s holding up.
Martin: Well, he was asleep when I got home, and he’s still in bed.
Niles: He’s probably depressed. I’m sure this whole Charlotte thing
has got him bereft...
Martin: Ooh, shh, shh!

Frasier has entered – looking rested and serene.

Frasier: Morning, Dad. Hey, Niles.

They ad-lib greetings.

Martin: Let me get you a cup of coffee. [goes to the kitchen]
Frasier: Well, I can get it.
Niles: [takes out a bag] I brought you some of those cookies you
like.
Frasier: Milanos! Oh, well thank you.

Martin brings a tray from the kitchen.

Martin: Now you just sit down, I made you a little breakfast.
Frasier: I see what’s going on. You think I’m in tatters because
Charlotte’s gone back to Chicago. Well, I’m not. [sits down]
I’m not going to say I won’t miss her like crazy. But we knew
going in that our time was limited. We made the most of it.
I have no regrets.

The door opens to admit Simon, Michael, and Stephen.

Simon: Morning!
Frasier: Except for leaving that door unlocked.

Daphne follows them in.

Daphne: We thought you might like to join us for brunch.
Frasier: Darn! ...Niles and I just reserved a squash court.
Niles: Yes! And we’re on thin ice with the appointments director as
it is. He’s already moved our lockers next to the flip-flop
drop.

Simon has already flopped down onto the couch. Daphne lowers herself
into Martin’s chair.

Michael: [mumbling unintelligibly, gesturing around the apartment]
... this whole place... [mumbling]
Simon: That’s right, Michael, Frasier has a very nice flat. But you
was here last night.
Michael: ...Was I?
Daphne: I think I need to sit down a minute before we go. [sinks into
Martin’s chair] Can you believe this baby might be two weeks
late?
Stephen: [patting her belly] He’s a Moon, all right! Every lad in
our family was at least two weeks late. Once we get comfy,
nothing budges us. Right, lads?
Simon/Michael: Right!
Daphne: Could I get a glass of water, please?
Niles: Glass of water, yes. [motions toward kitchen]
Frasier: Right, right...
Michael: Oh, Fras-or? Be a good lad... [mumbling, miming the shape of
a can with his hands] nice big... [mumbling] Right, lads?

Stephen and Simon yell and raise their hands.

Michael: [holding up four fingers] Three!

Frasier and Niles, at a loss, go into the kitchen.

Reset to: Kitchen
Frasier gets Daphne’s water while Niles removes some kind of electronic
device from the shopping bag he’s carrying.

Frasier: Do you have any idea what he’s saying?
Niles: Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped as a child.
Frasier: Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael.
Niles: He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our son might take
after them is making me crazy!
Frasier: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in
there too.
Niles: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes
up and stolen their lunch money! That is why I am taking
action. I was going to wait to do this until tonight, but I
can see that every minute is critical.
Frasier: What’s this?
Niles: This is called “The Born Musician.” You put this speaker on
the mother’s stomach, and it bombards the baby with classical
music, thus instilling a taste for higher culture.
Frasier: Huh. Closest thing we had to that was Dad bongo-ing out
“Babalu” on Mom’s belly.

They go back out.

Reset to: Living Room
Daphne is admiring a new watch on her wrist as Stephen looks on.

Frasier: Here we are.
Daphne: Niles, look what Stephen just gave me. You know who’ll be
jealous? Mrs. Zicklin from our building. Doesn’t she have
one just like this?
Niles: [knowingly] No, I don’t think she does.

He exchanges a look with Stephen, who grins and swaggers back to
the couch.

Niles: I brought you a present too. This plays soothing music
for the baby. You put this speaker here [places it on
her stomach] just like that, and then if you want to hear
a selection of, say - oh, I don’t know, Vivaldi? – you turn
this dial, and then...

As Simon and Stephen sit up with interest, the baby kicks, knocking
the speaker to the floor.

Daphne: Oh, goodness! He’s never kicked like that before.
Stephen: We’ve got a little foot-baller in there!
Simon: Finally we got something we can drink to!
Michael: Well, let’s go to the pub!
Stephen/Simon: YEAH!

They immediately rise and go to the door.

Simon/Michael/Stephen: [singing] We hate Nottingham Forest, we hate
Liverpool too...
Simon: And Leeds!
Simon/Michael/Stephen: We hate Manchester...

They exit, leaving Niles even more anxious.

Daphne: Are you coming, Martin?
Martin: Oh, I’m still waiting on Ronee. We’ll meet you at the
restaurant.
Daphne: Okay.

Daphne exits. Ronee enters with the cordless phone.

Ronee: Marty?
Martin: Hmm?
Ronee: I just got off the phone with the Branford Inn. They called
to confirm our wedding reservation – for May 15th.
Martin: But we’re getting married July 15th.
Ronee: Yes, but they have us down for May. Apparently July 15th
is booked, along with every other weekend between now and
October.
Martin: What happened?
Ronee: I don’t know, you made the reservation.
Martin: For July 15th! [to the boys] Well, I love how she blames me!

Ronee goes into the kitchen.

Martin: Why would I randomly pick a...? [realizes] Oh, no.
Frasier: What?
Martin: May 15th – Eddie’s birthday.

Ronee comes out of the kitchen, Martin hugs her.

Niles: Well, I’m-I’m sure you can find someplace else.
Martin: Oh, but we had our hearts set on the Branford Inn. It’s where
we had our second date.
Ronee: Yeah, we had a little too much wine, and the couple at the
next table said “get a room,” and so we did. Oh, well,
guess we better start thinking about Plan B.

She exits.

Martin: Oh, damn. Well, I just feel sorry for Ronee. You know, her
first wedding was kind of bare-boned, and that’s why she had
her heart set on something special. You know, a fancy menu,
swing band, flowers everywhere. You need that once in your
life.

While he has been saying this, Frasier and Niles have been exchanging
looks with growing delight.

Frasier: You know, Dad... Niles and I have been wondering what to get
you for your wedding, and... maybe we could just give you the
wedding.
Niles: You still have the Branford Inn on the 15th.
Martin: But that’s, that’s eight days away! You have to get a
caterer, a justice of the peace...
Frasier: Well, I can officiate. I still have my license from that time
I married those commitment-phobes on my Valentine’s Day show.
Niles: Are they still together?
Frasier: [raises a hand] Not the time, Niles.

Ronee comes back in with her purse.

Martin: Ronee, the boys think they can throw a fancy wedding together
by May 15th.
Ronee: But that’s in eight days!

The boys rise.

Niles: Well, it only took us four days to throw together our seafood-
themed “Friends of the Marina Bouilla-bash.”

Frasier raises a hand, inviting applause.

Ronee: Well, all right, that-that’s great of you guys, thank you!

Martin and Ronee head for the door.

Martin: Wow, what do you know?
Ronee: Yeah, leave it to the Duke and Duchess to save our behinds!
Martin: Yeah...

Frasier and Niles stop grinning and look up.

Frasier: I’m sorry, leave it to whom?
Ronee: What, they don’t know about that one?
Martin: Just keep walking.

They exit, leaving Frasier and Niles.

Both: [pointing] Well, obviously you’re the duchess...

They start arguing hotly.

FADE TO:

THE HAPPY ISLES


Scene Six – The Branford Inn
Jazz music is heard playing. The scene fades in on the dining room of
the Branford inn, which has been sumptuously prepared. Caterers are
still rushing about the room. Champagne and hors d’oeuvres have been
laid on a buffet table, flowers adorn the windows – the whole nine
yards.

As the scene fades in, Frasier, wearing a morning suit, claps his hands
and halts a group of dancers who have been rehearsing a swing routine.
The male dancers are dressed like cops, the female dancers like
showgirls. The music stops.

Frasier: Dancers, rehearsal is over. Please wait upstairs. I don’t
want anyone to see you until the floor show.

The dancers exit. A guest taps on the glass door leading outside,
rather urgently. Frasier runs over and cracks the door.

Frasier: I’m sorry, we’re still setting up.

He closes the door in the man’s face and addresses Clint, the Inn’s
host.

Frasier: Clint, would you please go outside and tell everyone they
can’t come in here until after the ceremony. It will spoil
the entire reveal.

Niles enters, adjusting the coat of his morning suit.

Niles: You can’t blame them, it’s ninety degrees out there. It’s
dripping wet- [realizes] I hope our Chinese acrobats are
sufficiently rosined.

Frasier re-locks the door. Martin and Ronee enter, casually dressed.

Martin: Holy Mackerel!
Ronee: You guys are amazing!
Frasier: Well, I’m glad you like it, you two, but listen, you’ve gotta
go get changed, you’re getting married in ten minutes.
Martin: Oh yeah, sorry, traffic was bad. We got stuck behind this old
bus. A church group, I think.
Frasier: Good, our gospel choir is here! Niles, go make sure they’re
fitted with their angel wings and give them all a meal
voucher!

Niles, Martin and Ronee exit. Roz knocks on the glass.

Roz: Frasier!

Frasier cracks the door.

Frasier: Roz, I’m sorry, I can’t let you in, I know it’s warm out
there. I’ll tell you what, go have a cool drink with Kenny.
Roz: I just did, he told me all about his new D.J. job.
Frasier: Oh, well good for him! I’ll come down and give him a hug.
Roz: Well, bring a towel, he just sweated through a hammock.
This sucks! The softest boss we ever had is leaving.
Come on, Frasier, let me in.

He protests, but she pushes past him and immediately takes off her jacket.

Frasier: Oh, all right, Roz. I can’t say I blame you, it’s like the
Ninth Circle of Hell out there!

Bebe sweeps into the doorway.

Bebe: Do you love this weather or what?
Frasier: Bebe! What are you doing here?
Bebe: Your strategy worked, you genius.
Frasier: What strategy?
Bebe: Turning down the San Francisco job. They’ve offered you
twenty percent more money, and thrown in a weekly TV gig
on the morning news.
Frasier: Television... well, that certainly sounds tempting, but, but
my home is here! There are more important things than money!
Bebe: Yes, I know. There’s power. But money can buy that.
Frasier: Bebe!
Bebe: Fine!

Bebe goes back to the open door.

Bebe: You don’t like the terms of the deal, I’ll have another swing
at it. [looks out] Did that old man just faint?
Frasier: What? [runs out beside her] Oh, good lord! That’s my cannon
operator! At the end of the ceremony, he’s supposed to fire
that antique cannon. I’m not sure there’s anybody else who
knows how to work the damn thing. Oh...

He shuts the door and turns back just as Niles comes running back in.

Niles: Frasier...!
Frasier: Niles...!
Both: Disaster!
Niles: Dear God, you first.
Frasier: Our cannon man is down – heatstroke.
Niles: Our flower girl is down – drunk.
Frasier: The flower girl?!
Niles: Apparently someone gave her champagne.
Frasier: Who would give liquor to a six-year-old girl?

He had to ask? - Simon, Michael, and Stephen enter in their suits,
with cigarettes and glasses of champagne.

Simon: Party’s here, lads.
Frasier: Simon! Did you give our flower girl champagne?
Simon: I may have. [off Frasier’s glare] Well, the poor little thing
was nervous about getting her part right.
Michael: Nervous.

Daphne enters, leading Eddie wearing a little tuxedo and a lacey
cushion strapped to his back.

Daphne: Here’s our little ring-bearer. Ronee will be down in two
minutes.
Frasier: Oh, great! Still no flower girl, and now no one to fire our
cannon!
Michael: [looks up] Cannon?

Frasier and Niles look at him, surprised.

Stephen: If it’s a cannon you need fired, Michael’s your man.
Daphne: Oh yeah, he’s a great one for sh**ting things. Which foot is
it that’s missing two toes?
Michael: Um... [looks from one foot to another, then points to Simon’s]
That one!

The three brothers bellow with laughter again.

[N.B. Michael, of course, lost at least one toe to frostbite as a child –
after his brothers rolled him across thin ice on a frozen lake. He’d
be missing more if his family hadn’t stopped him from sawing off the
rest of them. For the full story, read [6.19] “IQ.”]

Frasier: All right then, come along, all of you. See if you can figure
out this thing.

He leads Michael to the door.

Frasier: Now your cue to fire it is when I say, at the end of the
ceremony, “ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane.”
You got it?
Michael: Right... [mumbles unintelligibly at length]... Boom!

He walks outside, leaving Frasier more uncertain than ever.

Niles: Is Eddie growling?
Daphne: It’s his stomach. The poor thing hasn’t eaten since morning.
Frasier: Oh, for God’s sakes, we can’t have him rumbling up the aisle.
Uh, give him some of that pate over there.

As Daphne and Niles lead Eddie to the buffet table, Roz enters with
Alice.

Frasier: Ooh, Roz! Do you think that we could enlist Alice to be our
flower girl?
Roz: What do you say, honey?
Alice: Sure!
Frasier: Oh, that’s splendid news! Here, here, take these rose petals.
[gives her a basket] You’re supposed to strew them in the
aisle as you lead the procession in and out.
Niles: You know what, I guess I’d better give our ring-bearer his
precious cargo.

Frasier sends Roz and Alice outside and shouts after them as Niles
spoons some pate into a little dish and puts it on the floor. Niles
takes the ring out and lowers it to the basket...

Frasier: Roz, her cue to lead the procession out at the end of the
ceremony is when I say, “ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs.
Martin Crane!”

BOOM! Screams come from the guests outside, and Frasier jumps.
Inside, Niles jumps higher, sending the ring flying up into the
air.

Frasier: NOT NOW!

His nerves nearly sh*t, he closes the door, exhaling – then from
outside comes the sound of tires squealing, a horn blaring, and a
very heavy THUD.

Frasier: [Walter Matthau] What the hell was that?!

He runs out of the dining room, through to another exit. Daphne
notices Niles peering around the floor.

Daphne: What are you looking for?
Niles: The ring. I dropped it when that cannon-
Daphne: [sees it] It’s in the pate! Eddie, no!

Too late. Eddie has scarfed the pate and swallowed the ring.

Frasier runs back in.

Frasier: This is just our luck! When the g*n went off, it startled
a truck driver, he slammed into a lamppost. Now the entire
roadway is blocked! Can anything else go wrong at this
wedding?

He looks up and sees Niles and Daphne’s shifty looks.

Frasier: What?

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

Credits:
[The British broadcast of this episode ended with a tag featuring
Daphne’s brothers. In the U.S. it was broadcast as a straight one-
hour show.]