09x21 - The Escape

[bunniefuu]

[SNIFFS] Ew.

Are you doing laundry on the stove like in olden times?

Oh, my God.

Are we poor?

I knew Dad's magic shop would destroy us.

No, it is my Aunt Becky's favorite tomato soup, and I am bringing it to her because she's recovering from a stroke.

Is she the mean one you guys used to be so scared of?

Oh, God, yes, especially Uncle Mitchell.

It was like he was a weak gazelle and she was a hungry, h*m* cheetah.

No offense, but that soup stinks.

No, it smells fine.

Is someone burning Frisbees?

It's soup!

No, that's not it.

Oh, look at you all dressed up.

Coming with us to watch Uncle Mitchell sweat?

No, Arvin's dad is in from London, and he wants me to meet him.

Hang on.

You're not hungover.

Hair's conservative, no cleavage.

Oh, my God.

You're trying to make a good impression.

- You're in love!

- Shut up.

I am not.

Ohh, I don't know.

I see how hard you work at this relationship.

You woke up early to watch soccer and you called it football.

Oh, just calm down.

It's been three months, and everyone knows Liverpool is having a cracking good year.

Still, meeting a parent is a major relationship milestone.

Claire, you're getting my hopes up, and I still haven't recovered from Andy.

And don't even get me started on Dylan.

I get nostalgic every time I see someone sleeping in their car.

- You nervous? - No.

And even if I were, I've got it covered.

I've got these new stickers from NERP.

So, our latest product is the most amazing scientific breakthrough stickers!

Oh, you're a genius.

What an amazing time we live in.

I can't.

So, they're designed to reduce stress and to help you boldly pursue greatness by scrambling the rational part of the brain that asks, "Does this seem right?"

Anyway, since I can't test on laboratory rats, I'm gonna need you guys to try them.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So, wait! No one here has a pacemaker or lawyer parents, right?

- No.

- No.

Then test away! I'll go see what room Becky's in, or we can just feel for which doorknob is cold.

Phil, Phil.

Did you see what's across the street?

- An escape room.

- Oh, I did.

- No, we're not doing that.

- No way in hell.

She also said no to ice cream.

Escape room? What is that?

Oh, it's a themed room that they lock you in, and then you have to solve puzzles and clues to, um, you know, escape.

Or they cut off your finger?

What? No.

- It's just for fun.

- Yeah.

Oh, but then that lowers the stakes.

Okay.

She's in Room 208.

Let's go.

Jay, did you hear that there is an escape room across the street?

- We're not doing that.

- Why not?

Because when you get in a stressful situation, you start to scream, and I'm not taking that show into a locked room.

Yeah, and this one gets panicked if he's stuck in traffic for more than five minutes.

Guess it's just you and me.

Oh, hard pass, honey.

In a confined space, you're just bouncing off the wall like Flubber.

It's no secret my sister Becky and I have our differences.

They haven't talked in nine years.

She's kind of a monster.

I've only met her once, at our wedding.

Imagine if you took all of Jay's worst qualities and wrapped them in a pantsuit.

But as soon as I heard she had a stroke, I knew I had to rush to her side.

It happened three weeks ago.

Right in the middle of hockey playoffs!

Typical Becky!

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Okay.

There she is.

Hi, Aunt Becky.

[WHISPERING]

I think she's sleeping.

With the same mean old puss on her face.

Hey, Mitchell.

Why don't you give her a little kiss?

- You give her a little kiss.

- No.

- Who's there?

- [GASPS] Oh! My darling family.

You came.

- Something's wrong with her mouth.

- She's smiling.

Mitchell, you've gotten so handsome.

Have you finally met a good woman?

- I'm sorry.

What?

- [LAUGHS]

You're messing with me, right, Becky?

You know that Hey, folks, can I speak with you for a second?

[WHISPERING] This is just like when I came out years ago.

She knows what she's doing.

Actually, she doesn't.

The stroke may have scrambled some of Becky's memories.

So she doesn't remember me coming out?

Correct.

And now presumes you're straight.

That part I can't explain.

[QUIETLY] Have you tried popping her on the noggin?

She's not a jukebox, Fonzie.

And besides, it doesn't work.

It only made my uncle worse.

He never woke up.

Well, hopefully her memory will return.

Often, it's the little things that trigger recollection a smell, a song, a picture, even just her family.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, doctor.

Did you k*ll your uncle?

She doesn't remember I'm gay.

Yeah, no, I know.

I was here for the whole explanation.

This means I get to come out to her again.

It was a disaster the first time.

I was I was so wishy-washy about the whole thing that when I finally said, "I-I think I might be gay," she said, "Ew."

Are you sure she didn't mean, "Ooh"? No, no.

It was followed up by a whole bunch of stuff about me making Jesus cry.

- Oh.

For 20 years, I've regretted that moment, and today, I get the chance to make it right.

Or you could just leave a poor, old demented woman alone and not make her stroke all about you.

Why do I even bring you to these things?

Wow.

Well, Aunt Becky, what a necklace.

Oh.

Isn't it lovely? It was a gift from a prince I met in Liechtenstein.

- Really?

- Mm-mmm.

[CHUCKLES] [WHISPERING]

Phil, that is my necklace.

I lent it to her for Dad and Gloria's wedding, and she never gave it back.

She said she lost it.

Claire, the woman just had a stroke.

When I graduated, my mother gave me a very special necklace, which I returned so I could get that necklace.

I'm getting it back.

Where are you going?

I'm going to heat up the soup.

Maybe the smell will jog her memory.

Hasn't she suffered enough?

I guess I'm proudest of these two little guys here.

This is the Spacemaster 500, and this is the Xanadu newest additions to the Pritchett's Closets family.

What's Pritchett's Closets?

This damn disease doesn't care what it destroys.

I know what would help you remember.

Joe and Manny made you a "get well" video.

- Oh.

- [CHUCKLES]

Oh.

You know what?

I forgot my cellphone in the car.

- I'll be right back.

- Oh, thank you, Dede.

Breathe.

Are you comfortable?

Can I help you with anything that's not disgusting?

- [CHUCKLING] I'm fine.

But I was wondering if, this summer, I could borrow your fishing cabin.

My fishing cabin?

JAY: My dad had a fishing cabin that he promised would go to me, but the double-crossing bastard left it to my sister Becky, who's also a double-crosser.

Now that her memory is Swiss cheese, I can steal my cabin back.

Finally, the good guy wins.

- Hello, Father.

- Arvin, my boy!

Uh, allow me to introduce to you Haley Dunphy.

Malcolm Fennerman.

It is my pleasure.

Nicely done, son.

Glad to see you've got yourself a little lass.

- He said "lass."

- Ah.

Oh, by the way, slight change in plan.

Um, at the last minute, your mum decided to join me on the trip.

- What?

- Yes.

I, um, can't go anywhere by myself after that weekend in Brighton.

Mum's coming here?

Now? Is everything okay?

Is there time to get a drink?

I'm afraid not.

Man your battle stations.

IRIS: Hello.

I am Dr.

Iris Fennerman.

So nice to finally meet the woman with whom my son is so enamored and yet I know nothing about.

Well, I'm just your average American girl, although much thinner, thank God.

Oh, also I work at NERP.

- NERP?

- [STAMMERING] Nano Electronics Research Project.

- Oh?

- Yeah, Haley is a colleague.

It's very top-secret, though.

Hush, hush.

We probably already said too much.

[CHUCKLES] Malcolm, how is it we are not seated yet?

Well, I didn't want to pipick the wrong table again.

Oh, don't be silly.

I'd be happy anywhere.

[HUSHED] Since when? "Nano Electronics"?

What was that?

Please, just play along.

What's all that whispering back there?

Uh, nothing, Mum.

Just, um, science talk.

Ugh, I had to get away.

It's getting way too Pritchett-y in there.

Why can't they just let this be a fun nursing-home visit?

Exactly.

We're in Riverside.

We should be tearing it up.

Hey, let's go to that escape room.

I am in.

Hey, Gloria.

We're going to the escape room.

- You want to come?

- That sounds fun.

JAY: Gloria! I think Jay needs me.

- He's very sad.

- Oh.

Forget the videos.

We have to keep her from remembering anything so I can nab her fishing cabin!

I suddenly feel like escaping.

- - I'm so glad we're doing this.

I know.

Me, too.

Oh, well, I don't I don't think this is the way.

What is this place?

I don't know.

Let's just go back up.

Oh, no.

It's locked!

Okay, call someone.

I don't have a cellphone.

Okay, well, I don't have any service.

I don't either.

Guys, if we don't figure out a way to get out of here soon, we're never gonna make it to the escape room.

Haley, I know your job is top secret, but I'm so fascinated by nanotechnology self-replicating robots and such.

I'd love to hear your insight into grey goo.

Ooh, I can answer that.

It's my favorite vodka.

Hmm?

Enough about me.

Um, I love your blazer.

Do you have a corgi like the queen?

Crazy times in London.

Am I right? I hear that your, um, bridge is falling down, [WEAKLY] falling down.

[CHUCKLES] Haley is obviously joking.

It's that It's that Yankee sense of humor, you know.

"Eat my shorts."

"Schwing!" What is that on your arm?

Oh, it's my elbow.

[CHUCKLES] How delightful.

10 points for Gryffindor.

No, the sticker-y thing.

Oh, it's actually from my work.

It channels the energy of your brain [LOUDLY]

Aah-bup-bup-ma-bup-bup! Can't talk about that.

Remember?

Fine.

Then let's talk about Arvin.

Have you reached a decision on your research fellowship?

I have decided not to take it.

Why not?

I mean, you'd be working on the CERN collider It's the opportunity of a lifetime!

Well, I don't feel like spending six months underground in S-Switzerland.

Oh, please, don't tell me you're turning this down because of a girl.

Listen, I had nothing to do with this.

Oh, darling, you have everything to do with this.

You've always shown bad judgment when it comes to a pretty girl.

- That's not fair.

- Oh, thank you.

But at least you've never let one of them get in the way of your career.

Look, I'm not getting in the way of anything.

Arvin never told me about it, and even if he did, I wouldn't understand.

The NERP I work for is a website run by an actress who thinks she knows science because, once in a James Bond movie, she played a nuclear physicist, Dr.Mona Lott.

Haley! Where are you going? Oh, I was offered a fellowship to the bathroom, and I'm accepting it! Do you remember that security system I had installed in my fishing cabin?

I gave you the code the last time I let you use it.

I can't seem to recall it.

Well, okay.

Let me think.

The cabin, the cabin.

Oh.

So pretty up there.

- Did I have a husband?

- Dead.

Now focus on the code and nothing else.

Hey, look who made you your favorite soup.

Nothing like a familiar smell to bring back memories.

- She ate.

- I did?

But I'm sort of hungry.

Well, feed a cold, starve a stroke.

Get that out of her.

I made this for you when you came to Dad's wedding.

- Uh-huh.

- That's right.

You got remarried to that Puerto Rican woman.

You looked so beautiful at that wedding your dress, your shoes, the jewelry.

Come here a second.

Excuse me.

- What the hell are you up to?

- She stole my necklace.

So you try to manipulate a sick woman for your own personal agenda?

Aunt Becky, hi.

You remember when you came to see me ice dance, you said that I looked like a little sissy, well, I Ow, Daddy!

I am ashamed of the both of you.

That's my sister in there.

I almost lost her once.

I don't want to have to lose [SOBS]

- Oh, God.

- Oh, Dad.

I'm so sorry.

Uh, we're so sorry.

You're right.

We're being petty.

Well, Claire's is about a necklace and mine's about living my truth, but I get I get how this isn't the right time.

I'm sorry I snapped.

This is just hard, you know?

Excuse me.

Your sister said she remembers something about the security code to your fishing cabin?

Well, I I thought it was her fishing cabin? Oh, my God, and she thinks it's yours, and you don't want her to remember it.

Okay, fine.

You're right.

But before you start throwing stones, maybe look deep into your own

- What? Dad.

- What? No.

- Dad.

Dad.

- No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

All right.

We shouldn't be panicking, right?

No, of course not.

There's got to be a million ways out of here.

There's a security camera.

Oh, no.

No, no.

It's old and broke.

[SHOUTING] Hey! Help! We're stuck in here!

Gloria, that didn't work five minutes ago, and it didn't work 10 minutes ago.

Why can't they hear me? This vent has to go somewhere.

Gloria Maria Ramirez Delgado Pritchett, you are a genius.

- I know.

Give me a boost.

No, it should be me.

Right.

Gloria, give Cam a boost.

No, I mean, I should give you a boost.

My process works.

Why don't we use that trunk?

See?! We just make each other better.

- Right, chair, chair.

- Who needs Pritchetts?!

- I'll steady it.

- Thank you again.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Okay, grate.

You're great.

Oh, this grate.

[GRUNTS] I got it.

All right.

Let's "Die Hard" this puppy.

[GROANS] That's my shoulder.

Okay, in we go.

All right, now, Phil, every couple of feet, knock so we know where you are.

Got it.

[KNOCKS] - Okay?

- Guys, I think I see an opening.

We're saved.

Yippie-ki-yay, mother

[TUMBLING] Oh, dear God.

- Phil? Phil?

- Phil?! Good news, guys.

I see two people.

Maybe I can get a Oh, it's you.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

- Hello?

- Haley, I'm sorry.

You had every right to run out of the restaurant.

You know, I've put up with a lot from boyfriends futons, video games, wives.

But you were ashamed of me.

My mother is a judgmental snob!

I-I wanted her to like you.

I know I just I handled it all wrong.

But please come back.

No! You made me feel bad about myself, and I deserve better than that, okay?

So just go to Switzerland and sit in a big thing of, like, Swiss chocolate and and yodel, okay?

We're done.

[HEAVY BREATHING] Oh, my God.

Are you okay? Why do you all have accents? [MOANS]

- Ugh.

What happened?

- You passed out.

Those stickers on your arms are loaded with all sorts of chemicals.

We called your emergency contacts.

Your boyfriends here.

Hey, sunshine.

Andy? You You came all the way from Utah?

Oh, no.

I was in town for a self-help seminar "How To Be In The Right Place at the Right Time."

Holy cow.

It's working.

Oh, gosh, I guess your name must still be in my phone as my emergency contact.

I use boyfriends to avoid lectures from my parents.

I don't want to wake up in a Tijuana prison and them be all like, "You're grounded."

I'm just glad I could be here.

Andy, um, I have to tell you something.

And I'm really, really sorry, but I'm seeing someone.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yes! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, thank goodness.

Me, too.

I just didn't know how to tell you, especially if you were dying.

- Oh.

- She's a Laker girl.

Oh, wow.

A cheerleader.

Nice.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Josephine scrapes barnacles off boats in the Great Salt Lake.

We call them Laker girls.

But they are kind of sex symbols in Utah.

So, who is the lucky guy?

Well, it's a bit of a mess right now, but, um, he is a professor and an astrophysicist.

He's a a legit genius.

[CHUCKLES] Haley! I came as soon as I heard.

Actually, that's not true.

I stopped for tacos.

Not him.

Anybody got a spoon?

We could "Shawshank" this thing.

It didn't go so well when you "Die Hard"-ed it.

Okay.

Full disclosure.

If I don't feel supported, I tend to shut down.

Okay.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] I'm, um I'm getting stuffy.

Is Is it getting stuffy in here? Come on.

There's got to be something in this place that can help us.

Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! A phone!

Is there a plug around here? If there's a phone, there's got to be a plug.

Everybody look for a plug!

What if nobody looks down here?!

You know, how are we gonna survive? I I had a protein bar in my car.

I don't know why I didn't bring it in.

- There's got to be a plug.

- There is no plug!

It was peanut butter and 20 grams of protein.

Guys, if it comes to it, and I mean this I want you guys to eat me.

As I told you before, in those elevators and in the traffic jam years ago, I am not going to eat you.

Okay, you say that now, but we may not get out of here, and we may have to make some hard decisions.

Look what is happening! Exactly what they said is going to happen!

You're bouncing off the walls and you're panicking!

- And you're yelling.

- [SOFTLY] No, I'm not.

Look, Claire may be right.

I may be unfocused, but but she wouldn't be doing any better.

She'd be hyper-focused on something stupid like like like, "Why aren't the wires connected to that security camera?" Yeah, why aren't they connected? Wait.

She's onto something.

The wires are cut.

Why would someone cut the wires to a security camera in a basement room? Well, Mitchell would have some conspiracy theory that this is where the staff does illicit behaviors.

That's what it is.

I have been smelling marijuana since I got here! [SNIFFS]

- I got Gloria.

- My God, she's like a DEA dog.

It's coming from

[THUDS] [GRUNTS] Great.

Now we have marijuana and no lighter and just this stupid key.

I can hear Jay saying, "Maybe that key opens the door, dummy."

They can never know how much smarter they are than us.

[QUIETLY] Never.

- You got this, Becky.

- Mm-hmm.

You walk in the cabin, you push those buttons.

They go beep, boop, boop, boop.

What are the numbers?

- 3

- Uh-huh.

- 3

- Yeah?

Weeks! Since I've had my stroke, and this is the first time you come and visit, and all you can care about is that stupid cabin.

- Wait.

No, what?

- My brain is fine!

- But the doctor

- That's Fred from next door.

He played a doctor on a soap opera once, and he kept the coat.

But it was hockey playoffs.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, Aunt Becky, I'm so sorry.

I just got off the phone with the Prince of Liechtenstein.

He's having some terrible financial troubles.

He's gonna need the necklace back.

You know, to feed his people.

Save it, princess.

There's nothing wrong with her memory.

She was messing with us.

- Mean, huh?

- Horrible.

That's my necklace.

Give it back.

Not until you fix the dent you put in my car in high school which is still there!

You kept the Bonneville?

That certainly doesn't sound like a denial.

I'm keeping the necklace.

So you also know about me too, then?

- What about you?

- Oh, God.

This is happening.

Um, I-I, um I so I Spit it out.

Uh, I'm not here to take anything from you.

I'm here to be my true self.

- Oh, for God's sake.

- And my true self is Aunt Becky!

I am a lawyer.

A lawyer?

- Ew.

- Well, that's "ew" for two.

- How is she?

- Not good.

Full recovery.

[CACKLING] Dylan, I'm sorry you got called.

Well, maybe you didn't delete me from your phone because you didn't delete me from your heart.

Or I just forgot.

[SCOFFS] Right.

I'm married, Haley, and we're monotonous.

You got to move on.

Ugh.

I wish I was still in my coma.

She has a boyfriend.

Not me.

I have a girlfriend.

She's a Laker girl.

Oh, barnacle scraper? Hot.

Miss Dunphy? This man also says he's your boyfriend.

[HUSHED] What am I doing wrong? Haley.

Are you okay? I've been so worried.

Who's Who's this?

I'm the guy before you, and he's the guy before me.

Cheers.

Um, Haley.

We need to talk about what happened.

You screwed up.

That's what happened.

Right.

It's always us.

We go halfsies on a pot-bellied pig, and suddenly it's all mine when it's frothing at the mouth and corners your mom in the laundry room.

Hey, he lied to his parents about my job because he's ashamed of me.

Oh, no, no.

No.

I'm not ashamed of you.

I just panicked.

Look, right after you left, I told Mum the truth about you and your job and that if I want to turn down a job to be with you, then that's my right.

Well, it doesn't matter.

This isn't working out anyways.

- There it is.

- Totally.

What are they talking about?

Ugh, they think that I'm freaking out because you chose me over that great job, which means that you have big feelings for me, which forces me to look at my feelings for you.

And?

- And?

- And I have big feelings, too.

- You do?

- [SIGHS] Yes.

- Say it.

- Shut up.

I'll say it.

Haley, I love you.

I love you, too.

I came as soon as I got the call.

Hey.

What's her forecast?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] Go, go, go, go, go!

Did you get it? I gave her a hug goodbye, used my sleight-of-hand, and on the third try [CHUCKLES] I feel so naughty using my magic like that.

I love you, baby.

Your old boyfriends warned me you were like this.

- - [BOTH GROANING] Give me that necklace!

- [BOTH SCREAM]

- She's coming!

- Give me that necklace!

- Go, go, go! Watch what this bad boy can do.

[TIRES SQUEAL]