12x02 - The Wedding Gift Wormhole

[bunniefuu]

But I think, by the end of the honeymoon, we really started to feel like a married couple.

But the good kind, like on TV, not like my parents.

- Yeah.

You're not a real married couple until you can pee with the door open and she's okay with it.

I told you, I'm not okay with it.

She loves it.

So, we got everybody gifts.

Aw.

Did you forget about us until you were at the airport?

No.

We forgot about you until we were on the plane.

Luckily, there was Wi-Fi, and I have Amazon Prime.

I heart New York.

Aw, the baby's gonna love throwing up on this.

Look, it doesn't have to just be New York.

That's the beauty of it.

Uh, the initials "N.Y." can stand for anything you like.

For instance, I understand that there is an elderly rock-and-roll musician named Neil Young.

Perhaps you heart him.

Or if not him, Egyptian table tennis silver medalist Noha Yossry.

Or Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress who starred in Sally the Witch. Did you just Google the initials "N.Y."?

I had Wi-Fi and a long plane flight.

Draw your own conclusions.

Well, guys, that was very, very thoughtful of you.

I...

Did you get me a double XL?

- I told you.

- You were right, dear.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started...

Wait!

♪ ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ Bang! ♪ Sheldon, that's not how you write a thank you card.

What's wrong with it?

"Dear Aunt Helen, "thank you so much for the lovely place setting.

"If my handwriting looks strained, "that is because this is the th thank you card "Amy has forced me to write.

"The muscles in my wrist are cramping "as I struggle to finish this sentence.

"Ow, ow, oh, the pain.

Love, Sheldon." Fine.

"And Amy." Ow.

This one is from Leonard and Penny.

Aw.

"The perfect gift for the perfect couple." Save that card.

We may need to throw it back in their faces.

I wonder what it could be.

Oh, could be anything.

A flute, a letter opener, one of those pens where you put the bikini back on the naked lady.

Oh.

Isn't this nice?

What is it?

You know, it's, uh, it's one of those...

Nope, doesn't do that.

Oh, maybe it's candy.

Lick it.

I don't want to lick it.

You lick it.

I'm not gonna lick it.

I just brushed my teeth.

Is it from one of your dumb sci-fi shows?

Uh, none of the sci-fi shows I watch are dumb.

- Sheldon...

- Okay, Westworld. But this has nothing to do with that show, other than it's also inexplicable.

Well, Leonard and Penny are our best friends.

They know us better than anyone.

They said it's the perfect gift.

We must be missing something.

You don't...

think it's a marital aid, do you?

Don't be silly.

Amy, how is this big glass shaft going to aid our marriage?

Do you think when Krypto the Superdog is out flying, Superman has to fly after him with a little baggie?

Hmm.

Haven't really thought about it before.

But he doesn't need a baggie, because he just blasts the poop with his heat vision.

You've thought about it before.

Oh, I've thought about it a lot.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

What is wrong with Stuart's face?

I think he's smiling.

Oh, my God, are they flirting?

Oh, they're way past flirting.

I caught them making out at Sheldon's wedding.

Are you sure she wasn't trying to breathe life back into him?

I don't think so.

When I used that much tongue at CPR training, I had to buy the dummy.

Ooh, I have class.

I should go.

Oh.

Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye.

(chuckles)

(both chuckle)

See ya, guys.

- Bye.

- Bye.

So, what's her deal?

Is she into you or does she just hate her parents?

I-I don't know.

We kissed a little at the wedding, and it was great.

But we haven't really talked about it since then.

So I-I don't know how she feels about me.

Well, she patted you on the head, so I'm guessing she feels like you're such a good boy!

(chuckles)

Seriously, do you think I should ask her out?

A-Absolutely.

Don't let love get away.

It is the most important thing in the world.

Without it, life is dark and meaningless and all you're left with is the judgmental gaze of your dog as you finish off a bag of Doritos on the toilet.

Thanks.

You're a real good pal.

And now you're a good boy!

(smooches)

I can't stop thinking about that present.

It's driving me crazy.

Me, too!

The card said it was the perfect gift.

But it's not a dinosaur fossil or matching pocket watches, so I don't see how it can be.

Maybe we're trying too hard.

Maybe it's something simple.

(gasps)

Like Leonard and Penny.

Yes, good.

We just need to think like them.

(inhales, exhales)

Okay.

What gift can I get us to express how grateful we are to have us in their lives?

Way to make it simple.

I'm just gonna ask them.

No, you can't; it'll hurt their feelings.

I'm okay with that.

And they'll know you weren't smart enough to figure it out on your own.

You're right.

Oh, this is awful.

And I can't even comfort myself by stroking the fossilized tibia of a Pentaceratops. Let's just go to sleep.

We'll look at it in the morning with fresh eyes, and maybe it'll come to us.

Fine.

Or we go tear apart that box and look for a clue.

Staying up past my bedtime and solving mysteries?

Who knew married life could be this good?

What's wrong with his face?

A lot of people have been asking that.

He's...

smiling.

Hey, Stuart, you look pretty happy.

Oh, yeah.

I, uh, asked Denise out on a date, and she said yes.

Aw.

That's great.

But don't smile like that in front of Halley.

She just started sleeping through the night.

Sorry.

I'm excited.

I haven't been on a date in a long time.

Back when I was dating, I'd always wear a new pair of underwear, just in case.

It's also been a long time since I bought new underwear.

And I probably should, because these are no longer tighty nor whitey.

Okay, I'm out.

If there's a chance someone's gonna see you naked, it's also polite to make sure you're well-groomed down there.

I get it, Howard.

I've been busy!

Hello.

- Hey.

- I just wanted to pop over and hand-deliver this thank you note for your very thoughtful wedding gift.

PENNY: Oh.

Oh, good.

You guys liked it?

Well, we liked it a lot more than things that aren't it, I'll tell you that.

Well, yeah, that's great.

Because when we saw it, we thought, "Amy and Sheldon just have to have that." Oh, do tell.

Now, paint a picture for me, like where you were when you found it and what you thought we'd enjoy doing with it.

Do you not know what it is?

PENNY: Of course he knows what it is.

He's the smartest man in the world.

Well, I don't know about the world.

Some of those Chinese fellas are pretty clever.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return home and use your gift in the manner which it was intended.

(laughing)

He-He's never gonna figure it out.

I know.

(thumping)

SHELDON: What are you?!

- Gosh, this makes me happy.

- Yeah.

(laughs)

Howard, I don't often say this, but, good, you're here.

Now, do you know what Leonard and Penny got us for our wedding gift?

- Well...

- (stammers)

Don't answer.

I don't want to know.

I just want to know if you know.

- I do know.

- Okay, great.

I believe that Amy and I have figured it out.

Is it a clue to a scavenger hunt that will lead us to the actual present?

If you're asking if you and Amy should spend the next couple days running all over town searching for the next clue, I'm gonna have to say yes.

I knew it!

This is so much fun.

Oh, it really is.

(chuckles)

Oh, Leonard, thank you again.

- We love the gift.

- Aw.

Does he know what it is?

No, not even close.

He thinks it's a clue to a scavenger hunt.

(laughs)

So, so happy.

Well, what is it?

What did you give them?

Oh, i-it's just this dumb crystal wand that Howard and Bernadette gave us for our wedding.

Penny and I made each other miserable trying to figure out what it was, and we thought, "Why not pass that fun along to Sheldon and Amy." Wait a minute.

Did-- did you give them the crystal chakra wand that I gave you for your wedding?

Yeah, that's exactly what we did.

You said you liked it!

Yeah, that's exactly what I said.

Wow.

A scavenger hunt.

That's exciting.

I had a bit of a scavenger hunt myself last night.

I was trying to find the remote.

I looked under one of the cushions.

Wasn't there.

Then I lifted the cushion a little higher.

Bingo.

Riveting.

So, do you know what it is?

Of course I know what it is.

It's a silicon dioxide crystal, otherwise known as quartz.

Are you sure?

Am I sure?

Is basalt a mafic extrusive igneous rock formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron-rich lava?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, so it's quartz.

That's got to mean something.

What do we know about quartz?

I'll Google it.

Or you can ask me, the geologist who won the MacArthur Genius Grant.

Got it!

Quartz, from the German "quarz" which sounds the same, but is spelled without a "T".

Interesting.

No "T".

What is not "T"?

Coffee!

The coffee shop where we first met!

All right, let's go.

Sorry.

I think I just had an adrenaline rush from having visitors.

Hey, Raj, will you, um, smell something for me?

Uh, that depends.

Actually, it doesn't depend.

Just no.

I'm trying out some new colognes for my date with Denise.

Oh, and you just came over here to rub it in my face that you have a date?

No.

I came over here because I need advice, and you've gone out with more women than anybody I know.

Huh.

I guess you're right.

Sheldon's the smart one, Howard's the funny one, and apparently, I'm the ladies' man.

Which one's Leonard?

Oh, yeah, right.

I guess Leonard's the forgettable one.

Okay, let's have a whiff.

Oh.

(sniffs)

Hmm.

Smells like Paco Rabanne.

Ooh, you're good.

I bought it at a swap meet.

It's actually called "Smells Like Paco Rabanne." It's great.

She's gonna love it.

I hope so.

I really like Denise, and I don't want to screw this up.

Hey, relax.

Trust your instincts.

That's what I do.

And that works for you?

Actually...

no.

I've made a mess of my life, and I'm...

I'm all alone.

Okay, I think it'd be best for both of us if I pretend to get a phone call and just walk away.

Yeah, that would be best.

Hello.

This is Stuart.

(whispering): Sorry.

I got to take this.

Uh, why, yes, I'd love to take a survey.

Okay, this is where we first met.

There's got to be a clue here somewhere.

(gasps)

We sat at that table.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

We're on a scavenger hunt.

Just pretend we're not here.

Oh, I found something!

(shrieks)

It's gum.

Maybe they left it behind the counter.

I met my wife here, and we sat at this very table, so if you play your cards right, in eight years, you could marry this woman.

That's my sister.

Well, don't tell people.

That's not okay.

Sheldon, look, I asked the barista if anyone left anything for us, and she said to look in this lost and found box.

But why would it be in the lost and found box?

Because we were lost, and then we found each other.

It makes perfect sense.

Oh.

And look at this.

A locket.

And that stone in front-- I bet it's quartz.

This must be it.

This must be the actual gift.

Open it up.

What's inside?

Nothing.

It's empty.

Of course.

Our life together is just starting, and they want us to fill it with our memories.

This might be the best wedding gift ever.

(gasps)

They also left us a pair of sunglasses because our future's so bright!

They thought of everything!

Oh.

Look what Halley drew.

Yeah, she made it at daycare.

It's pretty good, huh?

Is it?

Wow.

Gentile moms are tough.

(knocking on door)

STUART: Guys, I need to show you something, but you have to promise not to make fun of me.

Of course.

Whoa.

Yeah.

I was worried about the date so I got my hair colored to make me feel a little more confident, but that just made me look paler, so I-I got a spray tan.

Have you tried showering, seeing if you could scrub it off?

I did.

You're gonna need some new towels.

And a bathmat.

And a toilet seat.

I'm picking her up in an hour.

What am I gonna do?!

Don't you mean what are you gonna "Oompa Loompa doompety do"?

You said you weren't gonna make any jokes.

I'm sorry.

I'll stop.

(mouthing)

(giggles)

Look, it's only a spray tan.

It'll fade in a couple days.

Why don't you cancel the date and reschedule?

Oh, but I was really looking forward to tonight.

You know what?

Then go.

Tell her what happened.

- Maybe she'll be flattered.

WOLOWITZ: And if not, swing by the chocolate factory and see if they're hiring.

That wasn't a joke.

That was a legitimate suggestion.

(Skype ringing)

DR.

KOOTHRAPPALI: Hello?

Hey, Dad.

Rajesh.

What a nice surprise, calling me on my birthday.

Yes.

That's why I'm calling.

And-and what better gift to give you than the gift of marrying an Indian woman, just like you've always wanted.

My goodness, Rajesh, this is exciting news.

Who is she?

You tell me.

What?

I want you to arrange a marriage for me.

I'm just so tired of being single, and I'm finally just...

I'm-I'm ready to settle down.

I can't just call up some girl's dad and make her marry you.

It's-it's not anymore.

I know that, but I can't do this on my own.

I need your help.

(sighs)

Well, then, I'm going to need your help, too.

If I'm going to find a woman to set you up with, you're going to need to stop Instagramming pictures of you and your dog wearing matching sweaters.

Fine, if that's what it takes to show you that I'm serious.

Uh, quick question.

Do you mean just Instagram, or all my social...?

All of them!

Okay, deal.

All right.

Let me ask you a question.

What do you think of this woman?

Oh.

Oh, my God, she's beautiful.

Is that who you're going to set me up with?

No!

That's who I'm dating.

But maybe she has an older sister.

So we put a little picture of me and a little picture of Sheldon in it.

In-in the locket?

Yes.

That was in a lost and found box?

Exactly.

Where we hid it?

So really, you gave us three amazing gifts.

You gave the locket, the adventure and the realization that Amy and I can do anything as long as we work together.

- We wrote you a special thank you note.

- Oh.

Are those words?

No.

It's a secret code that you two get to figure out together.

Hint: it's based on Sanskrit, but not the Sanskrit you're thinking of.

(laughs)

And best of all, you can't use the Internet to cheat.

Because we locked you out of your Wi-Fi, and the answer to this is your new password.

I'm no longer happy.

Hey, guys.

Great news.

I'm getting married.

- Huh?

- What?

- No.

Well, I-I haven't met her yet, but her name is Anu.

My father says she comes from a good family.

She's in her s.

She works in hospitality management.

So, as long as I can get through six to ten dates without revealing my true self... ...this is happening.

I know just what we're giving them for a wedding gift.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I wanted to look my best for our date, and I made a series of bad decisions... ...

one of which is hidden by my pants.

Wow.

(laughs)

Do you still want to go out with me?

Absolutely.

Hey, maybe we can go find Nemo together.

That's a good one.

(clears throat)

Do your other crayon friends know you're out?

Are you just gonna make fun of me all night?

- Probably.

- Great.

So what are we thinking, Chinese?

Yeah, I'm in the mood for orange chicken.