11x07 - The Geology Methodology

[bunniefuu]

Hey, uh, who's free tonight?

- Oh, I think I'm...

- Hang on.

We've made this mistake before.

It's how we wound up at his cousin Deepak's Tupperware party.

Hey, you use that collapsible bowl all the time, and you know it.

And it's not like that.

I just thought we could, you know, hang out and go to a bar.

- Sure.

- Very well.

- Sounds fun.

And watch cricket.

That sound you hear, ironically, crickets.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Bert.

- ¿How you doing?

Well, you know, we geologists always get a little sad when Rocktober's over.

- Wordplay?

- Yes.

Funny wordplay?

- What do you think?

- Eh.

Trust your gut.

Sheldon, I've got these four-billion-year-old meteorites.

I thought maybe they'd show signs of neutrino interactions.

I could really use someone like you to help me with the math.

Oh, so they would act as natural dark matter detectors.

That sounds interesting.

It does, but it's still geology.

Sorry, Bert, I don't have time to play rocks with you.

I'm not asking you to play rocks.

I'm asking you to collaborate on a research project.

Although, if there's time, I guess we could play a round of zinc, zinc, piece of quartz.

Does sound better than cricket.

Thank you for asking.

Unfortunately, I have real science to do.

But you feel free to rock on.

That's how you do it.

All right.

Sheldon, what are you doing?

Bert's one of the top guys in his field.

And somewhere there's a mime who's top in his field, but you don't see me rushing to collaborate with him on new ways to be stuck in a box.

Also something I would watch instead of cricket.

Oh.

(chuckles)

Hello.

Hey, Sheldon.

I've been thinking about it, and I suppose I-I could help you with your research.

What changed your mind?

Bert, I'm a gift horse.

Don't look me in the mouth.

Sorry.

I'm happy you want to help out.

If it's easier for you, we could just work at your office.

No, no, no, not my office, no.

Uh, let's-let's do it here, in-in the evenings, after everyone's gone home.

I just have to see if my evenings are free.

That's a joke.

They are.

Okay.

Well, then I will see you tonight.

(gasps)

Well, you know what?

(stammers)

Close the blinds.

We can start right now.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started...

Wait!

♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪

♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

(crowd cheering)

(sportscast playing over TV)

I don't get how you can enjoy cricket.

It makes no sense.

Did you just come here to complain?

Yeah.

That's the sport of my people.

Ooh, that's Ravichandran Ashwin.

He's amazing.

He makes Hardik Pandya look like Bhuvneshwar Kumar.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, save some syllables for the rest of us.

Hey, I think that's Bernadette's friend over there.

KOOTHRAPPALI: Oh, yeah.

Hey, Ruchi!

I-I hope this isn't awkward.

The last time we met, I kind of embarrassed myself.

Let's see if you can go two for two.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

- Hi.

- Are you here by yourself?

Yeah, I couldn't convince anyone to come watch cricket with me.

(chuckles)

Tell me about it.

I had to drag this guy.

You're more than welcome to join us if you'd like.

Thanks.

(crowd groans)

Arre uske taang pay ball kar! What'd she say?

Uske taang pay ball kar. Oh, that clears that up.

Well, no, she's telling the bowler to bowl a yorker.

It's the most brutal ball in cricket.

I was at the match when Shoaib bowled back-to-back yorkers.

Well, I was there, too!

What a coincidence!

Well, there were , people at that match, so...

Yeah, India, right?

Everywhere you go, there's, like, , people.

(chuckles)

So what do you think of our chances at the World Cup?

Ah, World Cup.

You know, it'll all depend if Kohli's batting in form.

I know.

It doesn't even matter how many all-rounders you have.

Isn't that the truth?

You know, I was the best leg spinner in my high school?

Yeah, like, I bowled the meanest googly.

Speaking of googlies, I'm gonna go.

I've been modeling different types of dark matter and the traces they would leave on the zircon inside your meteorite.

What's this one here?

That's actually a dark matter model of my own creation.

I call it the Cooper Boson.

Cool.

I got to name a rock once.

I named it Moderately Sedimented Shale.

Guess I kind of pooped the bed on that one.

You know, Bert, I've got to say, this work has been surprisingly engaging.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

(ringtone playing)

Hello, Amy.

(stammers)

What do you mean, where am I?

I'm in my office.

No, I'm at your office and you're not here.

I thought I'd surprise you with dinner.

For future reference, the best surprises are the ones I know about three days in advance.

Where are you?

It's a surprise.

Doesn't feel so good, does it?

Well, I have food.

I thought we could eat together, but I guess if you have other plans...

What?!

I'm here!

Exactly where I said I was.

(panting)

Let's eat.

Hello.

- Hey, buddy, what's up?

- Hey.

Um, I need to talk to Penny alone.

(laughs)

What can I do for you?

Just a minute, I want to make sure Leonard can't hear us.

(loudly): I've got a box of cupcakes.

Okay, we're good.

I'm working with Bert, but I don't want anyone to find out.

Well, you just told me, so strong start.

Penny, this is serious.

My reputation is on the line.

What are people gonna think when they see us collaborating?

I don't know.

Poor Bert?

I am a respected theoretical physicist.

I aspire to win a Nobel Prize someday.

But nobody's gonna take me seriously if they find out I've been dabbling in geology.

Well, why not?

They're both sciences.

And I know because they're classes my high school counselor said “weren't for me.” They're very different.

Physics answers the question: what is the nature of the universe?

Geology answers the question: what'd I just trip over?

All right, well, then don't work with Bert.

Oh, but I like the work.

Then work with him.

Yeah, but I'm ashamed of the field.

- Then don't work with him.

- Yeah, but we could prove dark matter.

Then work with him.

But I just think that people...

How many times are you gonna do this?

My record is .

Okay, this is about science.

Why'd you come to me?

Well, because it's also about my reputation.

And somehow you manage to hold your head high despite your checkered past.

Checkered past?

It's a figure of speech referring to how sexually promiscuous you were.

Really?

Well, I've got a figure of speech about how sexually promiscuous you can go be with yourself.

And what is it?

Look, while Bernadette's on bed rest, we're gonna have to divide and conquer.

I've got one monitor for her, one for the baby.

Which do you want?

I'll take the baby.

She's less emasculating.

Good morning!

Scones?

Ah, thanks.

They're all for you; I already had breakfast at Ruchi's.

You're kidding.

You slept with her?

Well, there wasn't a lot of sleeping involved.

I mean, she slept, I stayed awake.

I was afraid of snoring 'cause I didn't have my special pillow.

BERNADETTE: Howard!

Can you help me to the bathroom?!

Well, at least the romance is still alive.

So, you and Ruchi?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I know you liked her, too, but we just bumped into each other last night and hit it off.

No, that's fine.

You're my friend and I'm happy for you.

Oh, thank you, Stuart.

Plus, I don't know how you're gonna screw it up, but I know you will.

What's there to screw up?

She just wants to keep things casual.

Oh, great, that's how you're gonna screw it up.

Hey, I can be casual.

Mm-hmm.

I should get a haircut; this thing's going south fast.

So Ruchi and I decided to keep things casual.

(scoffs)

What?

What?

I can handle casual.

(scoffs): Oh...

Why do you keep doing that with your face?

Because you keep saying stupid things with yours.

Okay, fine.

I'm not great at casual relationships, and I don't want to scare her off.

All right, just give her some space, all right?

Don't call, don't text, don't e-mail.

That's crazy.

What if I see a sunset that reminds me of her?

All right, when do you see her next?

Uh, we're having dinner tonight.

Okay, put a rubber band around your wrist, and any time you start planning your wedding or naming your children, I want you to s*ab yourself in the hand with a fork.

What's the rubber band for?

To slow the bleeding.

Hey, how's Bernadette handling bed rest?

She lies around all day eating Mallomars and hollering at me, so her transformation from my wife to my mother is complete.

Congratulations.

I know that's what you were hoping for.

Sheldon, you left your jacket in my office last night.

Uh, oh.

No-no, I didn't.

That's-that's not my jacket.

Then why does it say, “Property of S.

Cooper.

Stop touching it”?

It sounds like someone named Scooper doesn't want you touching his jacket.

Are you guys working together on that meteorite project?

(sighs)

Yes, fine, you found me out.

I'm doing geology.

Just, please, don't tell anyone.

Are you embarrassed of me?

Oh, no, no, no, not you.

No, just the work that you've devoted your entire life to.

If you're ashamed to be working with me, then I don't want to work with you.

Sheldon, that was pretty rude.

Well, what do you expect?

He's a geologist.

This place seems nice.

Uh, but not too nice.

Yelp called it “good for groups.” Would you care to buy the lady a...?

No!

Get out of here!

Sorry about that.

I just, I hate when someone assumes two people are dating just because they look like they would make beautiful babies together.

Are you sure you're okay with this?

Honestly, Ruchi, I don't have a lot of experience with casual relationships.

I have some experience with serious relationships and a ton of experience with no relationships.

You're funny.

Glad it came off that way.

(chuckles)

Uh, so tell me about your day.

How's work going?

Well, I spent the morning reviewing side effects for our fungal cream, so it was a lot of ooze and pus.

♪ Oh, almost paradise ♪

♪ We're knocking on heaven's door ♪

♪ Almost paradise... ♪

And then I had to catalog it by color, viscosity and percentage of blood.

♪ Paradise. ♪

Sounds wonderful.

Hey.

Hmm.

What you got there?

A rock.

Did some mean boys throw it at you?

It turns out I'm the mean boy.

Although I did drop it on my own foot, so kind of.

What's going on?

What if there was something I wanted to do, but I was worried other people would think less of me?

Is that other person me, and does it happen in the bedroom, in which case I think I'm cool with it?

No.

It's about working with Bert on...

You know what?

I'm not even gonna say it.

I am just gonna say the letter it starts with and “ology.” “G”-- Oh, no, that's not gonna work.

Geology?

Yes.

But we parted ways because I was worried about my reputation.

Sheldon, you've never cared what people thought, even when you really, really should.

That dinner with my parents comes to mind.

If I'm not gonna use “your momma” jokes when I meet your mother, why'd I bother to learn them?

I'm just saying, if you think the work is interesting, nothing else should matter.

You're right, Amy.

That is sage advice.

Which is surprising, considering your momma is so dumb, she...

Nope.

She studied for a urine test.

I was supposed to go back to India and get married, but I realized it wasn't what I wanted.

So I called off the engagement and moved out here.

Well, if he wasn't your soul mate, he wasn't your soul mate.

Oh, God, please tell me you're not one of those.

One of whats?

I want to say teenage girls, but that sounds mean.

Come on, you don't believe that everyone has one perfect match?

Of course not.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, what if your soul mate lived halfway across the world?

You'd never meet.

Yes, you would.

I can give you, like, examples where that happened to Kate Hudson alone.

You know what?

People get upset when I talk about this.

Let's just change the subject.

No, no, no.

No, it's-it's fine.

Are you saying that you don't believe two people fall in love?

Of course they do.

It's just that what people call “love” is actually a series of biochemical reactions in the brain that fade over time.

Yes.

Like the old song, “When a man has a biochemical reaction for a woman.” Raj, we're scientists.

We don't need to feel threatened just because we understand the mechanisms that give rise to romantic feelings.

It doesn't take anything away from the experience.

Yes, it does.

Actually, it takes everything away from it.

Love isn't just science.

Okay?

It's-it's spiritual.

It's an acknowledgment of a mystery that's greater than ourselves.

It's what makes people write songs and poems, and what has kept The Bachelor on TV for magical seasons.

Don't you think the fact that love is given away as a prize on a game show slightly undermines your argument?

Uh, yes.

But I've never missed an episode, and I dare science to explain that.

Bert.

Bert, Bert.

Bert, Bert, Bert.

What do you want, Sheldon?

I would like us to work together again.

I promise to keep my geology comments to myself, because while some of them are funny, all of them are mean.

Well, this is awkward.

Leonard, what are you doing here?

Bert asked for my help.

BERT: Yeah, he's an excellent scientist, and he doesn't tell me what time I can go to the bathroom.

It's called bladder training.

When you're in your s, you'll thank me for it.

Look, Sheldon, you were a jerk to Bert, and he walked away from you.

So I feel like there's a lot he could teach me.

Bert, please.

(stammers)

I know I behaved poorly in the past, but things will be different this time.

You'll see.

Come on, let me in.

We'll have some laughs, we'll calculate some isotope ratios.

I'm sorry, Sheldon.

So you just shut the door in his face?

I got to start writing this stuff down.

I mean, Ruchi's nice.

We're just so different.

I know.

Sometimes when you're dating, you meet weird people.

I once met a girl who didn't like juggling.

And she still doesn't.

So you're not gonna see her again?

What's the point?

We're never gonna be in a real relationship.

Right, so you'll only be in a physical one?

Exactly.

Why would I want to spend time with someone like that?

Someone who is just interested in sex?

Yeah.

Raj, do you real...

Whoa, hold on.

Give him a chance.

He's gonna get this.

I don't think he is.

What is there to get?

She doesn't want to fall in love.

At that point, all we are is two single people who find each other attractive and enjoy having-- Oh, got to go!

So how was your night with Ruchi?

Oh, great.

We ordered in some food, we had sex, I left.

I didn't even ask if she enjoyed it.

(chuckles)

I can field that one for her.

I mean, I did get a little misty when we said good-bye, but I played it off as allergies.

I don't know if she bought it.

Again, I know.

Sheldon?

You okay?

Sheldon.

♪ Oh, almost paradise ♪

♪ We're knocking on heaven's door ♪

♪ Almost paradise ♪

♪ How could we ask for more? ♪

♪ Paradise. ♪