09x05 - Black Haired Milk-Toast Ginger

[bunniefuu]

No, absolutely not.

We're not gonna be showing you a recap of last week because you were too busy.

Get the hell out of here.

All right, all right, stop your whining.

Fine, here you go.

If you have a vag*na, you're safe.

- vag*na Safe Zone.

- [VERONICA]

But...

There's no way we are still on that rapiest bar list.

Who the hell starts a new school with three weeks left in the school year?

f*cking Satchel Boy.

All right, well, you guys just relax.

Just die naturally.

I know of no finer candidate for West Point than Carl Gallagher.

Damn right, you don't.

- Oh!

- Bitch, I'm not asking.

[CARL]

So you're a lesbian?

Yeah, I am.

- I can't do this again.

- Do what?

Falling in love with a straight girl.

It's too painful.

Just go.

What is this?

Kids are working up a few ideas for if you do wind up in prison.

Gay Jesus kids don't want me to cop a plea.

Want me to take it to trial, get as much publicity for the cause as I can.

Yeah, and what's your lawyer say?

Could be looking at to if I don't take a deal.

Holy sh*t, Mo.

- You won.

- [CROWD CHANTING]

Mo White...

You're a congressman again.

[BOTH LAUGH]

My sister says you have my kid.

Xan.

I want her back.

Do you want to stay with me here?

Yeah, that'd be good.

Mom?

I knew you'd come back for me!

[Rock music]

[rock music]

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Round up the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

[INDIE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[FIONA]

How do you listen to this crap?

This is indie folk country.

It's like if a bad hipster band smacked into a truck of cows.

Well, switch it if you want.

♪ ...I'll never part ♪ ♪ Whoa, oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh... ♪

[FIONA]

Isn't your code your birthday?

Put it in the American way or the right way?

♪ ♪ - There.

Irish, even.

- ♪ It's not a place... ♪

Little on the nose.

What, like your accent?

♪ To me a sound... ♪

You know, U is the band most made love to in all of Ireland.

Oh, well, you're in America now, bitch.

♪ ♪ Need a lift to Patsy's?

No, driving myself.

I gotta take Ian to a meeting with his lawyer.

His plea hearing is tomorrow.

[FORD]

He can't make his own way?

[SIGHS]

To his lawyer or in life?

Both.

No.

Grab you from Patsy's at : , then.

[FIONA]

For what?

The Hadid exhibition.

- The Ha-what?

- [FORD]

Zaha Hadid.

First female architect to win the Pritzker Prize.

Blueprints haven't been public until now?

Oh, sh*t, is that today?

You f*cking with me?

You've been talking about it nonstop for six months.

Yeah, I'm f*cking with you.

I'll meet you there.

Tickets are for : .

If you're late, they won't let us in.

And where is it?

♪ Came here looking... ♪

The Art Institute.

That's in Canada, right?

See you at : .

: .

f*cking with you.

♪ American soul ♪ What are you doing, Debs?

Sanding a circle around my dip canister so I don't look like a poser.

You are a poser.

[LIP]

Jesus, how many more dogs are down there, Carl?

[CARL]

Just Rocco and Bernice, and she'll be dead by the end of the week.

Does anyone know what cocktail attire is?

It's a little early for cocktails, - even for a Gallagher.

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

It's a West Point mixer this afternoon.

Says I need cocktail attire.

Says it's a suit.

Who goes to drink in a suit?

Ah, f*ck, Fiona's almost here.

What now?

She wants to take me to my meeting.

- [LIP AND DEBBIE]

Don't do it!

- [LIAM]

Bad idea.

She thinks I should take an insanity plea.

Insanity?

Yeah, bipolar.

Off my meds.

How long would you get for that?

Lawyer thinks two years, plus probation.

What are your other options?

Well, I could plead guilty, get a reduced sentence, five to ten years, or I could plead innocent...

Well, what about that video of you blowing up the van?

...and they'll find me guilty, so I get to .

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[FIONA]

Hi.

Hey.

Oh, what smells like dead dog?

It's dead dog.

I'm taking care of it.

You ready?

I told you, I don't need a ride.

Oh, I'm taking Liam to school, so it's on my way.

- Anybody else?

- [LIP]

I'm good.

I'm headed to Patsy's, trying to make things work with Alex.

[FIONA]

Who's Alex?

My girlfriend.

Your girlfriend?

You gay now?

- Yes.

- No.

[FIONA]

Okay.

You two, let's go.

Someone should wash a dish around here once in a while.

[LIP]

Hey, buddy, have a good day.

All right, well, ease up, you drunks.

Ladies first.

[KERMIT]

Can I have a beer, V?

Can I take off my coat first?

[VERONICA]

Hands off, Tommy!

Frank?

Hey!

Did you sleep here again?

I-I drank a bit too.

Two bucks?

You drank two bucks' worth of booze?

No, that's all that's left from the Mo White campaign fund.

[WOMAN]

You Kevin Ball?

You a health inspector?

Uh, no.

[SCOFFS]

Jehovah's Witness?

- No.

- IRS?

No.

Then yes, I'm Kevin Ball.

Uh, Alison de Marco, from the Women's Equality and Empowerment March.

We're very impressed with what you've been doing with vag*na Safe.

We're looking to add a few men to our list of march speakers, and as head of the vag*na Safe initiative, you're at the top of our list.

[CHUCKLES]

That dentist who bought your bike...

Check didn't bounce, did it?

No.

Why?

He totaled it already.

Had to strip it for parts.

[TOBY]

Lip!

A little help?

What is it with these rich assholes who can't ride bikes?

Ah!

Whoa!

Jesus, Toby.

[TOBY LAUGHS]

My bad, man.

Price of victory, dude.

Victory in what?

I do a little street racing.

Slid across the finish line on my ass, but I won.

Think you can fix it?

Yeah.

It's gonna take a while, though.

No worries.

I got a few backup bikes.

[POWER SURGES, WINDS DOWN]

What the hell?

[WRENCH CLATTERS]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

That's gonna take a while.

[SIGHS]

Guess we go home.

Yo.

Come out to a race sometime.

Never know where they are until the hour before.

I'll text you.

All right.

Mo White.

More like "Mo lily-livered assh*le." Wouldn't take me to Washington.

Says I'm a political liability.

So I-I misappropriated some campaign funds.

He's a child molester, for f*ck's sake.

Frank.

- I'm gonna start a recall.

- Frank.

I put him in there.

I can take him out.

Frank!

Your piss is brown.

Oh.

Yeah.

That is brown.

- [FRANK THUDS]

- For f*ck's sake!

Damn it.

Frank?

Uh, Kev?

f*ck you, necktie piece of sh*t.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

You headed to the West Point thing?

Uh, yeah.

What are you doing home?

Uh, there's a power outage at work.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

And Xan?

Yeah.

Is that Liam's clip-on?

[EXHALES]

There you go.

And...

- bam, you look good.

- All right?

Yo, I could stay back and hang out if you want.

No, no, I got a list of things I wanted to do, but, uh...

go get yourself a spot at West Point, all right?

Okay.

All right.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, anybody home?

Cool.

Um, you didn't have to order all this food.

I wanted to.

I'm not ready to give up on us just yet.

I know I may be a new lesbian, but I think I can be pretty good at it.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry, you sound like Jasmine.

Who's that?

My second grade girlfriend, until I found out she was playing doctor with Ricardo Jimenez at naptime.

- [SCOFFS]

What a bitch.

- Mm-hmm.

Not as bad as Shawnte Watson, though.

She would only closed-mouth kiss me while she would tongue-kiss boys behind my back.

Damn.

Third grade girlfriend?

Second grade still.

No, third grade was, uh, Ronnie Carson.

She would, uh, tell her mom we were getting married.

[DR.

SINGH]

Your body is rejecting your liver.

I've been taking my medication.

You've been on AssimiPro since your transplant.

After about five years, it can tend to lose its efficacy.

I'm going to switch you to Hepatocycline.

Top of the line, just approved by the FDA.

Pretty much zero side effects.

We'll start you on a megadose and an IV right now, and then we'll send you home with some pills.

How much does that cost?

With insurance, maybe bucks a month.

No insurance.

You don't have insurance?

Correct.

Eh, then you're looking at two grand a month.

- What?

A month?

- Jesus.

You could do the generic, Hepazone C...

Been around since the ' s.

How much is that?

Around bucks a month.

Great, start me with a megadose of that, throw in some Vicodin, and my interracial friends and myself will be on our way.

[DR.

SINGH]

I need to go over the side effects with you before you decide that Hepazone is right for you.

I never met a drug I didn't like, but hit me.

Here we go.

- Sporadic blindness...

- [VERONICA]

Blindness?

...paralysis of the face...

Wow.

[DR.

SINGH]

...skin rashes, joint pain, hair loss, gout, insomnia, mouth ulcers, halitosis, degeneration of the gums, testicular soreness, severely heightened emotional sensitivity...

[SCOFFS]

...and erectile dysfunction.

His willy won't work?

It's possible.

Oh, no worries, Doc.

No way my member won't march.

I'll take the generic.

Right, thanks for the ride.

Sure.

[CAR BEEPS]

Where you going?

I got a couple minutes before I gotta be at work.

Ha, no way.

Absolutely not.

I'm not gonna even say anything.

I'm just gonna listen.

[FIONA]

Are you kidding me?

He is pleading insanity.

- End of story.

- If he admits he's bipolar, suddenly our entire movement is about mental illness.

[FIONA]

So you want him to go to prison for ten years?

He'll get less if he pleads guilty.

- Excuse me.

- [FIONA]

And even less if he pleads insanity.

Hey!

Does anyone wanna hear what my lawyer has to say?

Look, I know this judge.

- [PHIL]

He understands...

- Excuse me.

If you make him plead insanity, you are putting lives at risk.

Kids all over the world say Ian saved them.

He put his time in.

Now you save 'em.

They don't want Gay Mary Magdalene.

They want gay Jesus.

Well, they can't have him.

He belongs to his family.

[GENEVA]

This is bigger than family.

Nothing is bigger than family, and if you send my brother to prison for one second longer than he needs to be there, I'm gonna torch a van with your pixie ass in it.

[SIGHS]

[COFFEE PERCOLATING]

[COFFEE MAKER BEEPS]

[funky music]

♪ ♪

Oh, f*ck.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

What can I get for you?

Um, let me get a pack of Camels.

Um...

you know what?

Let me get a pack of American Spirits too.

Uh, some Marlboros.

Some, uh...

some Winstons.

You know, throw some, uh, Dunhills in there and Pall Malls.

I'm thinking of changing brands.

Thank you.

Are all lesbians that dramatic?

Where are you going?

- Leave me alone, Fiona.

- Ian...

Stay out of it!

[KEV]

So I think I'm gonna start my speech off with a joke.

[VERONICA]

Needing a man to speak for women, that's the joke.

Giving us meds that stop working and then pricing us out of the ones that do,

- that's the joke.

- Oh, here we go.

[FRANK]

Did you hear that doctor?

She didn't even wanna tell me about the generic drug.

Well, just like the great slaves of the South...

- Oh, don't do that, man.

- All right, Frank, you need to stop right there.

That's enough.

...decades of forced labor in the fields have left us - Kunta Kinte strong.

- [KEV]

Frank.

[FRANK]

Gonna take more than a few side effects to break our spirits.

Swing low, sweet chariot.

[Rock music]

It's time for the field hands to rise.

- I'm about to f*ck you up.

- Wait, wait, wait, stop.

[VERONICA]

What are you doing?

What the f*ck are you do...

Get your ass out of my face!

[VERONICA]

Frank!

♪ ♪

♪ It ain't the way ♪

♪ Almost every night... ♪

Nothing.

♪ It ain't the way... ♪

I got nothing.

♪ Yes, every time ♪

♪ Yes, every time ♪

♪ ♪

I mean, we're high school juniors, and she's still confused about her sexuality?

Enjoy your lunch, you guys.

I mean, how many times can a heart get broken, you know?

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

I can't talk right now, Fiona.

[FIONA]

Are you still at Patsy's?

Oh, never mind.

I see you.

What's going on?

Ugh.

My brother's going to prison, and my sister's losing her sh*t.

Hi.

Hi.

Alex.

She's cute.

- Can I borrow her for a sec?

- Yeah.

Come on.

I think it's time for an intervention.

Why doesn't anyone accept the fact that I'm gay?

No, not you, Ian.

That bitch Geneva got in his head.

I think he's considering not taking a plea deal.

- How do you know?

- I was there.

You went into his lawyer meeting?

That-that's what "I was there" means.

Tell me you didn't go all Fiona on him and tell him what he's supposed to do.

"Going Fiona" is not a thing.

Trust me.

It's a thing.

Where is he now?

I don't know.

He took off.

He's not answering calls or texts.

He's a grown man, Fiona.

Sounds like he doesn't want to talk to you.

Might be time to let go.

[Marching band music]

♪ ♪ [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]

♪ ♪ [WOMAN LAUGHING]

♪ ♪ [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MAJOR KEEFE]

Will you be called to make sacrifices?

Yes, but the pride you'll earn in service to this country will outweigh the loss you may sustain at the hands of our nation's foes.

Enjoy the food, and with any luck, we'll be buried side by side at Arlington one day.

♪ ♪ Want a little spice in your punch?

What?

Absinthe.

Sure.

♪ ♪ - I'm Kelly.

- Carl.

Are you a candidate for West Point?

Am I one of these pussies?

No.

Annapolis-bound, much to the chagrin of Old Iron Legs there.

Major Keefe?

He's my dad.

Is that a clip-on tie?

Uh, yeah.

I don't know how to tie a real one.

No sh*t.

- Well, that's interesting.

- [MAN]

Kelly.

- Hi.

- Hi.

What's your name?

Jackson Ehrenreich.

We met at the cotillion, fooled around a bit in the coat check.

♪ ♪ My d*ck sort of...

bent hard to the left.

Yikes.

Jacob, was it?

Jackson.

- Ehrenreich.

- Right.

That's a different Kelly.

I think I saw her in the map room earlier.

Straight down that way, then a hard to the left.

♪ ♪ Douchebag.

I was barely conscious.

Let's go sample Daddy Dearest's scotch collection.

[KEV]

And I'm proud to defend you women and all the women of Chicago against the scourge on society that is the clueless man.

#TimesUp, my sisters.

Oh, and #MeToo.

What do you think?

[FRANK]

You hard, Kermit?

[KERMIT]

Yup.

- Tommy?

- Oh, yeah.

Great.

You two assholes have stiffies, and little Frank is turtling.

Maybe that's 'cause you're watching p*rn with Kermit and Tommy.

The usual, Libby?

- It's a workday, ain't it?

- [KEV]

Turn that p*rn off.

We're gonna have to lower our own vag*na Safe rating.

Are my eyelids moving?

I think my face is paralyzed.

Did you just gargle with rubbing alcohol?

Yeah.

If you had the d*ck in your mouth that I just had in mine, you would too.

Hey, Libby...

I'm off-duty.

Pay off-duty rates.

[SIGHS]

Let's get this over with.

[LAUGHS]

[TERRY HACKS, SPITS]

Coming.

Hi, Mr.

Milkovich.

Mickey's in Mexico.

f*ck off, rectum boy.

I'm not here to see Mickey.

I'm here to see you.

What, you trying to faggify all of us?

You don't faggify people.

That's not how...

How much time'd you do in the pen?

Eighteen years, on and off.

How bad was it?

Depends on your definition of bad.

Mouth- and ass-rapings...

Which you'd probably enjoy...

Beatings by the guards, food sucked...

You were mouth- and ass-r*ped?

You kidding?

I did the raping.

Milkoviches don't bottom.

Was Mickey adopted?

f*ck off, Gallagher.

Okay, rapings...

food, guards...

I can handle that sh*t.

I just need to know if...

Anyone can handle that sh*t.

It's the boredom that'll k*ll you.

Starts out, you're figuring out your surroundings.

Then the day-to-day sets in.

Start reading books, lifting weights, f*ck a few of the p*ssy boys in the yard, but you're in the same place with the same assholes, doing the same sh*t every second of every hour of every day of every goddamned year.

I was you, I'd pack my sh*t and run.

Hi, Satchel Boy.

What do you want, Sissy?

Just wondering how your day was.

Todd?

Todd?

Shut up!

I'm just-just trying to be friendly.

[Percussive music]

My day was fine.

Good, good.

♪ ♪ ♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh... ♪ Don't-don't stop.

I'm starting to feel something.

[MOANS]

Ugh, f*ck this.

I gotta stop.

Why?

Because my neck is k*lling me, my-my knees are hurting...

[CRYING]

God.

Just give me a few minutes.

We'll go again.

No, it's a side effect of my liver meds.

- [CRYING]

- Damn.

It's generic.

I can't afford the brand name.

[CRIES]

Here.

No, no, no.

I-I...

You keep it.

I didn't get the job done.

No, take it.

[CRYING]

[KISSING SOUNDS]

[MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]

♪ ♪ [LAUGHS]

Wanna have sex?

Easy answer, yes, but Kev made me sign some form that I wouldn't f*ck anyone who's too drunk to provide consent.

Who's Kev?

He's the vag*na Safe guy.

Tell Kev I can keep my own vag*na safe.

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪ Kelly?

Was that a yes?

Ian?

Ian!

- f*ck me.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

Ian?

- [FIONA]

Hey.

- Hey.

[FIONA]

I've been texting you.

Oh, there's a power outage at work.

I went for a run.

What's up?

We gotta go find Ian.

He jumped bail.

I think he's skipping out on his hearing.

How do you figure?

He dyed his hair and his drawers are empty.

Bus station or train station?

Which one you want?

Uh...

neither.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be found.

[FIONA]

I don't care if he wants to be found.

He's a fugitive, and he's our brother.

He gets caught like this, he's gonna get sent away for way longer than ten years.

You're okay with him risking that?

No, I'm not okay with that, but it's not up to me.

He's an adult.

He made a decision.

It's the wrong decision.

Did you go all Fiona on him?

That is not a thing.

Look, if you push someone too hard in one direction, they're just gonna run three times faster - in the other direction.

- Or you can shove them so hard in the right direction that they do what's right.

That's why it's called the right direction.

So bus station or train station?

Neither.

Fine.

[DOOR CLOSES]

And I think that, like, make sure we're stapling them really tight, 'cause remember at the last rally when they all fell off?

Yeah.

No, that's how we learned to not use glue.

Okay, this is all looking really, really good.

Make sure that we're stapling it on...

[ALISON]

Oh, uh, everyone not speaking at the march, take a break.

We need the room for rehearsal.

Women, I would like to welcome our newest speaker, Kevin Ball, and his partner, Veronica.

- Welcome, guys.

Hi.

- Hello.

[ALISON]

Uh, Kevin, glad to have a man on board who understands the dangers we women face.

Honored to be a part of the sisterhood.

[ALISON]

Now, uh, audiences at these marches have zero attention span, so we've gotta keep this ship moving.

Let's run a cue-to-cue.

Uh, order's right there.

Stage one.

Each of you stand, give the first and last lines of your speech so the next person knows when it's her...

or his...

Turn to speak.

Charisma, what's your first line?

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Twelve years ago, I was g*ng-r*ped in a bathroom near the level two east concession stand.

[ALISON]

And last line.

With my family's support, I can finally get out of bed during football season.

Applause, applause, applause.

Loyola, that's your cue.

Uh, when I was , I woke up in an alley on my birthday.

[SIGHS]

Blah, blah, blah.

[SIGHS]

I'm a stronger woman now, and I can finally defecate pain-free.

I got my first abortion when I was .

I was sex-trafficked at the age of six.

[GRACE]

I was when I was circumcised.

I just want my clitoris back.

f*ck men.

f*ck 'em up the ass.

f*ck all of them.

[APPLAUSE]

[ALISON]

So, Kevin, when you hear, "f*ck men.

f*ck them up the ass.

f*ck all of them," that's when you go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[rock music]

♪ ♪ Okay, : group, you can go in now.

Sir, I'm sorry.

Everyone in this group has to go in now.

I'm just waiting for someone.

Is there any way we can go in the next group?

It's now or never.

Sorry.

♪ ♪ [WOMAN]

Come right this way.

Step on, step ahead.

♪ ♪

♪ I think I found ♪

♪ The answer to ♪

♪ My shaking hands ♪

♪ Is a steady you ♪

♪ I think you know ♪

♪ That what I need ♪

♪ Is a balanced heart ♪

♪ To steady me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ There's a diamond on an island ♪

♪ In the middle of my soul ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But it's sinking to the bottom ♪

♪ Of the salt water ♪

♪ That is my self-control ♪

[CELL PHONE DINGS]

♪ Line upon line ♪

♪ I read a million words with nothing to say ♪

[FIONA]

f*ck!

♪ But I feel all right being lost ♪

f*ck.

♪ I'm just looking to forget ♪

♪ The modern age ♪

♪ I think I found ♪

♪ The answer to ♪

♪ My shaking hands ♪

♪ Is a steady you ♪

♪ I think you know ♪

♪ That what I need ♪

♪ Is a balanced heart ♪

♪ To steady me ♪

♪ ♪

Hey!

What are you doing?

How long are you gonna be in here?

I need to wash my junk.

[LIP]

What, like now?

Like ten minutes ago.

I think I had sex with a trashy girl.

What do you mean you think?

Uh, it was dark.

Couldn't tell.

How trashy we talking?

Pretty trashy.

Should've heard these women's stories.

r*pes, beatings...

I had no idea.

If you had no idea, you've been walking around with blinders on.

Do you know how many times a day a guy touches me inappropriately?

Hell, some assh*le on the L yesterday stuck his nose in my cooch, - said he lost his balance.

- What?

[REGINA]

Yeah.

A guy pulled my dress off my shoulder at a club Saturday.

Licked my nipple.

Never seen him before in my life.

- Jesus.

- [VERONICA]

I won't get on an escalator if I'm wearing a skirt.

I wear a wedding ring everywhere to keep the assholes from bothering me.

All right, we get it.

Christ.

I'm sorry.

Is this stuff making you boys uncomfortable?

Welcome to womanhood.

What the hell is this?

My phone?

Did you film yourself f*cking me while I was passed out?

I filmed myself not f*cking you as proof.

Proof of what?

Not f*cking you.

You lying piece of sh*t!

[YELLS]

Why didn't you just leave me here?

I didn't want you to choke on your own puke.

- Bullshit!

- [GROANS]

You're just like those rich pricks downstairs who think girls are their personal f*ck toys.

Your clip-on tie is gonna hurt way worse than a real one when I shove it ...

ah!

[Energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ ♪

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[MAJOR KEEFE]

What's going on?

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh-ah ♪

♪ ♪

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

You got a Kn*fe?

What are you doing?

Electroshock therapy.

I saw it on TV.

It works.

There are studies.

Come here.

Rich people pay a lot of money for expensive paddles.

We're doing it the Gallagher way.

When I tell you, you plug that in.

Wait.

Wait, wait.

Here.

Put these on.

The rubber will protect you.

And, uh, turn around.

No boy should see his father like this.

Ready?

Do it!

Really?

What, did I stutter?

I said...

[ELECTRICITY SURGES]

Should we start this thing?

Well, is there anyone else coming or...

It's the afternoon.

Maybe everyone's stuck at work.

Yeah, we're a bunch of alcoholics.

What's the likelihood of us all holding down jobs?

Shorter meeting would be better anyway.

Need to get to a gig.

What do you do?

I'm a sober companion.

A what?

I'm a babysitter for drunks.

If an addict has something coming up need to stay sober for, I keep them away from the booze.

They pay you?

I'm getting bucks to keep some teacher dry before an annual review.

I got five grand to keep a prep school quarterback sober during recruitment season.

Anyway, should we review the steps and get out of Dodge?

Yeah, let's do it.

[GRUNTS]

[ALEX]

I swore, I swore, I wouldn't take her back again, and...

after I took her back the third time...

- Debbie?

- Mm.

Did you hear anything I just said?

Yeah.

- No.

- Jesus!

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry.

We've just been sitting here for eight hours.

I don't like talking about my feelings.

It's called lesbianism, Debbie.

It's what we do.

I thought sex with women is what lesbians do.

Yeah, and you're bad at that too.

So do you guys wanna hear the dinner specials?

No, we do not.

Thanks.

Come on, Franny.

Are you kidding me?

I'm supposed to pay for all this food - we ate?

- I don't know.

Why don't you spend the next eight hours talking it over with yourself and let me know what you decide?

You make me want cock again!

Hi.

How were the blueprints?

I don't know.

Couldn't see anything through my blinding rage.

I'm so sorry.

Ian went AWOL - after his lawyer meeting, and...

- [FORD]

And?

Well, I had to go look for him.

Why?

What do you mean why?

Because he's my brother.

Your adult brother.

He's not your responsibility, Fiona.

The only responsibility you had today was to come to an architecture exhibit that I bought tickets to six months ago.

That was your responsibility.

You're gonna lecture me about responsibility, Mr.

Lone Wolf, "I never loved anything that didn't involve reclaimed wood"?

You don't have brothers or sisters.

You left your mother in Ireland.

You fathered children all over the world that you seemingly feel no obligation to take care of, so when in your life have you ever felt responsibility - to anyone?

- Now.

- Yeah, to who?

- To you.

[DR.

SINGH]

You've got a few first-degree burns in your scrotal and penile regions but no permanent damage to the twig and/or berries.

We're gonna keep you overnight, just to monitor for any irregularities in your heartbeat, but you should be able to go home tomorrow.

[VERONICA]

Thanks, Doctor.

Thanks for nothing.

My d*ck's not only soft.

It's charred.

Looks like a Fourth of July barbecue down there.

You better get your sh*t together, Frank.

Kev and I are not gonna spend our lives running you back and forth to the hospital every time Liam calls...

Not for your liver and definitely not for your penis.

Don't blame me.

Blame the aristocracy.

Poor people have sex, Veronica, a lot of it, because you know why?

It's free.

You pay for movies.

You pay for beer...

- You don't pay for beer.

- [FRANK]

...but if you're a halfway decent-looking person, you can get laid, but the aristocracy doesn't want poor people getting laid because that means more poor people being born, so they take our erections.

They jack up the prices of the dr*gs that work and push us into dr*gs that steal our manhood.

An erection does not make a man.

Making good choices makes a man, and right now, you have to choose between your penis and your liver, and, Frank, make the right choice.

[Rock music]

Come on, baby.

♪ ♪ [SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Lesbianism f*cking sucks.

Why is there a lamp on the floor?

Women f*cking suck.

Why does it smell like burnt human in here?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hi, Satchel Boy.

[LIAM]

Sissy?

What are you doing here?

[SIGHS]

Moving in.

Um, why?

[SISSY]

'Cause you need to provide for your family, assh*le.

[LIAM]

Why?

I'm pregnant.

[VIDEO GAME NOISES]

She doesn't even look pregnant.

Well, she took a pregnancy test.

She's definitely pregnant.

And you guys are sure you actually had sex?

No.

When did this happen?

Today.

Today?

Then it can't be yours, right?

No.

It's not yours, Liam.

What should we do?

Throw her out.

She could be armed.

She's definitely armed.

[VIDEO GAME NOISES]

[DEBBIE]

I say we wait until Lip comes back.

- What are you doing now?

- I gotta get the rest of the dead dogs out of the basement.

Could you watch Franny for me?

I got stuff to do.

- Lesbian stuff?

- f*ck off.

And hey, keep an eye on them.

Make sure they don't bone anymore.

[SISSY]

Hey, Satchel Boy, come rub your baby mama's feet.

What do I do?

Pfft.

Dude, I'd go rub her feet.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ Just go on and take a dip... ♪ Where are your pie-eating buddies?

I'm, uh, flying solo tonight.

♪ ♪ You wanna change things up?

You know, maybe try some Jell-O instead?

Ah, no.

Pie-pie's good.

Thank you.

♪ I'm doing fine... ♪ [CELL PHONE DINGS]

♪ I wake up in the morning ♪ _ Oh, you guys have a kid too.

Oh, we should have a playdate sometime.

- Sorry?

- Who are you?

I'm Debbie.

Gallagher?

Fiona's sister?

Right, hi.

Yeah?

So...

Uh, how did you guys know that you were lesbians?

- Really?

- Wow.

Jesus Christ.

- You're a lesbian?

- Uh...

What are all those keys for?

I don't know.

So confusing.

What is confusing about it?

You either like girls, or you don't.

I thought I did, - but Alex...

- [NESSA]

Who's Alex?

My ex-girlfriend.

She says I'm bad at lesbianism.

- That's...

okay...

- I don't even know what that means.

All right.

- Look at me.

- Oh, here we go.

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

Are you thinking about my p*ssy right now?

I wasn't, but...

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Boom, I pulled the trigger ♪

♪ On the shotgun ♪

♪ I think you better start to run ♪

♪ Away from me ♪

♪ Boom, you don't have to... ♪

You like that?

♪ Stay here anymore ♪

♪ Boom, close the door behind you... ♪

Then that's all the lesbian you need to be.

♪ Boom, boom, boom... ♪

She means you like what you like, and none of the rest of it matters, okay?

[SIGHS]

♪ Run away ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ When you leave ♪

The f*ck?

[ENGINE TURNS OVER, REVS]

- [KELLY]

Hey.

- Jesus.

Oh.

Please don't hurt me.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

What are you burying?

Dog.

So this is where you live, huh?

Yeah, uh, how'd you find me?

Looked you up in the candidate roster.

- [KELLY]

Cute house.

- [CARL]

Not really.

I watched the video on your phone.

How'd you find the password?

Maybe don't use your house number.

Well, how else am I supposed to remember where I live?

You definitely had sex with some girl and filmed it, but it wasn't me.

That was my ex, Kassidi.

So you're single?

Yeah?

You're an officer and a gentleman, Carl Gallagher.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

[ENGINES REVVING]

[TOBY]

Oh-ho-ho, sh*t.

Look who showed up!

- What's going on, man?

- What up?

- How you doing?

- Hey, Billy, let me get that jacket.

I know you didn't come here to watch, did you?

Wait right over there, by that bike.

[ENGINES REVVING]

- Ready?

- [ENGINE REVS]

Ready?

[ENGINES RUMBLING]

[ENGINES ZOOMING]

[PEOPLE YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Stay away ♪

♪ From all men ♪

♪ 'Cause we're terrible people ♪

What are you doing?

[KEV]

The girls couldn't sleep.

Don't you have to finish your speech?

Yeah, I'm gonna tell them I'm not gonna do it.

Nothing I can say is gonna mean as much as what they have to say.

You think?

I wanna hug all women...

...all of them, everywhere I see them, to apologize.

A random hug from a giant white stranger ain't gonna make us feel any more comfortable about men.

[Rock music]

You gotta go balls to the wall to that red building, but then you gotta roll off the throttle quick.

Otherwise, you'll throw yourself into the live intersection.

Got it?

Got it.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

[ENGINES REV]

Ready?

Ready?

[ENGINES ZOOMING]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ I've got you, New York ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Yeah, on my mind... ♪

Hey.

More indie folk country?

Can switch it if you want.

It's fine.

[FORD]

Where you been?

Looking for Ian.

Did you find him?

No.

♪ ♪

- I'm gonna...

- [FORD]

Yeah.

♪ Now and then you know ♪

♪ It feels a little better ♪

♪ Hon ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's a little bit easier to say your name... ♪

♪ ♪

I shouldn't have asked you to choose between an art exhibit and your brother.

♪ ♪

Turns out, he didn't want me choosing him.

♪ ♪

You're right.

He's not a kid anymore.

He doesn't need me.

I don't know if any of them do.

♪ ♪

Would it help if I needed you?

You don't need me.

I do.

I need you to save me from my horrible musical proclivities.

♪ ♪

Well...

you can start by skipping this sh*t.

Done.

♪ ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

- [RUSTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

- [LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

[FORD]

♪ Tell me everywhere you want to go ♪

♪ When you can't ♪

♪ Find the magic ♪

♪ Tell me anywhere you want to go ♪

♪ When you can't ♪

♪ Find the magic ♪

♪ When you can't ♪

♪ Find the magic ♪

♪ I was being young ♪

♪ I was being dumb ♪

♪ When you can't find the magic ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

You're awful.

♪ Yee-hee-hee ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yee-hee-hee ♪

[LIP]

It's a good look for you.

[IAN]

Mm.

[SIGHS]

[IAN]

So you didn't run.

Oh, no, I ran.

I just ran back.

The hell happened to you?

Oh, I slid through the finish line on my ass.

Huh?

Don't worry about it.

You know, you really freaked out Fiona today.

Yeah.

She deserved it, though.

Should I tell her you're back?

No, let her sweat it out.

Okay.

Xan gone for good?

Probably.

You know, I never even got to see you in action as a dad.

Imagine how much you're gonna miss if you're gone for the next ten years.

Yeah.

Debbie may or not be married to a woman.

Carl'll be a w*r criminal.

Liam will be the father of a ten-year-old.

Huh?

He thinks he got a girl pregnant.

Well, f*ck me.

Did he?

- No.

It'd be great, though.

- Jesus.

Fiona'd have a new kid to control.

Maybe she'd let up on us.

Doubtful.

Frank?

Dead.

You?

Still in AA, if I haven't drunk myself to death.

Hey, do me a favor.

- Hmm?

- Don't.

[KENDRA]

Need anything else before we kick you out of here?

I'm in considerable pain, actually.

Uh, do you have something that might help?

Vicodin, maybe?

Says here not to give you dr*gs.

Where's it say that?

[WOMAN]

Fucker!

Get me a bear!

[KENDRA]

Fifty-two-year-old female, Ingrid Jones, psychotic break of undetermined origin.

[DR.

GARCIA]

Get me milligrams more of Thorazine and some benzodiazepine to room .

[INGRID YELLING]

- Are you the next of kin?

- Sure.

The Thorazine's kicking in, so she's calm for now.

If anything happens, just hit the red button by the bed, yes?

Yes.

You might send up some Vicodin.

She responds well to that.

Okay, thank you.

[INGRID]

Hey.

Looking for Vicodin?

Always.

Got some in my pocket.

We could do the "one for you, two for me" thing.

Come on, reach on in here.

Well, I, um...

Sure.

Which pocket?

It's the front right.

[Smooth music]

Um, I'm not feeling...

Yeah, go deeper.

[LAUGHS]

You smell nice.

Mm.

Thanks.

Uh, I c...

I can't find it.

Um, hey, why don't you just, um, undo this belt and I'll-I'll get it?

No, I don't think I should do that.

Oh, come on.

You think I could actually get out of here if you just undo one?

♪ ♪

Okay.

♪ ♪

Oh, God.

[GRUNTING]

♪ Oh, no... ♪

Oh!

Say you're sorry, Timmy!

Say you're sorry!

[YIPPING]

Mwah!

That's for Sara Beth, you fucker!

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

♪ ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

[MAN]

We got a runner!

Hey!

♪ ♪

Well, hello, old friend.

♪ ♪

Hey there, Shim.

Haven't heard from you in a while.

Just...

figured I'd try you one last time before heading into the slammer.

Sort of why I'm reaching out here.

If you could just...

talk to me one last time, let me know what you think I should do, I would really appreciate that.

[LIP]

Hey.

You ready?

All right.

[Somber rock music]

♪ ♪

I hate your hair.

So do I.

- [LAUGHTER]

- [DEBBIE]

It's not that bad.

[CARL]

It looks the exact same.

Ride with me?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey.

♪ ♪

Whatever you wanna do in that courtroom, I'm with you.

♪ ♪

Thanks.

♪ ♪

You coming?

Want me to?

You gonna say anything?

No.

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [MAN]

Excuse me.

- [MAN]

Uh-huh.

[BAILIFF]

All rise.

[JUDGE]

Please be seated.

So you're this Gay Jesus I've heard so much about.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, no, no, Your Honor.

Uh, I mean yes, but...

my name is Ian Gallagher.

All right, Mr.

Gallagher.

In the case of the state of Illinois versus Ian Gallagher for the felony crime of arson, how do you plead?

[IAN]

Your Honor, a young man was being forced into a van against his will to be taken to a conversion camp.

His would-be captors wanted to deny him of his true nature, and I stopped that from happening, so I will not apologize for that, and the people who were trying to change him were his family, people who were supposed to love him for who he was unconditionally, like my family...

[CHOKING UP]

has loved me.

And to not love...

That is the true crime.

And at the end of the day, everything I did, I did in the hopes that we would learn to love each other the way that Jesus taught and God intended, and, more importantly, the-the way that we all need.

But I understand there are laws, and I broke one.

I set fire to a van, and in doing so, I turned what I intended to be a movement of love into a movement of anger.

Went too far, Geneva.

I was crazy to let it go as far as I did.

Truth is, I am bipolar, I was off my medication, and I was in a manic state in which I was not in control of my faculties, so...

I plead not guilty by reason of insanity.

[CROWD YELLING]

- [GAVEL BANGS]

- [JUDGE]

Order!

Order!

Any more of that, and I will clear out this courtroom.

♪ Ain't nothing wrong with loving my baby ♪ ♪ Ain't nothing wrong with loving my baby ♪ [LIAM]

Are you sure I'm not the father?

[LIP]

No, you're not, Liam.

God, how much did you give her?

Just enough to keep her out for a while.

I think we gave her too much.

[LIAM]

She looks dead.

Sissy?

See, she's fine.

♪ Ain't nothing wrong with loving my baby ♪

♪ Ain't nothing wrong with loving my baby ♪

All right, go, go, go, go, go.

♪ She looks good ♪

♪ She makes me feel all right ♪