08x02 - The Morning After

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪ [WHIRRING]

[CREAKS]

- [SNAKE HISSES]

- [SCREAMS]

Snakes!

Snakes!

[EMILY WHIMPERING]

[FOOTFALLS APPROACHING]

- [HISSING]

- What the hell is going on?

I thought everything outside was dead.

God knows how deep they went after the blast.

Maybe they came through the sewage or the ventilation system.

- [HISSING]

- [EMILY SHRIEKS]

Hallelujah.

[WHOOPS]

Looks like we got some fresh protein.

- Won't they be contaminated?

- No.

We'll scan 'em.

I don't see any mutations.

Boy, this looks like good eating, huh?

[MEAD WHOOPS]

[MEAD LAUGHS]

[SILVERWARE CLINKING]

[BUBBLING]

I have a rule against eating things with no legs or too many legs.

Oh, right, but you're fine eating something with two legs.

For the last time, we didn't eat your boyfriend.

Eat it or don't.

No one's gonna force it down you.

Adversity makes strange bedfellows and worse dinner companions.

It's food, and we're starving.

We should be grateful for the fruits of the earth.

Well, steamed snake soup is actually quite delicious.

It was the centerpiece of a dinner that I attended at the Royal Court in Kuala Lumpur with Gina Lolabrigida.

- [LAUGHTER]

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER NEARBY]

So, who's in your office?

I beg your pardon?

Alarms went off before.

Someone came inside.

Who else is here?

All questions will be answered in due course.

Eat.

[GASPS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [WHISPERING]: Those snakes were chopped up and cooked.

How did they come back to life?

I don't know.

There were a lot of snakes.

Maybe they just missed a couple.

You don't really believe that.

Honestly, I'm trying not to think about it at all.

I'm more interested in whoever Venable is hiding in her office.

Just headed to the library.

♪ ♪ My name is Langdon, and I represent The Cooperative.

I won't sugarcoat the situation.

Humanity is on the brink of failure.

My arrival here was crucial to the survival of civilized life on Earth.

The three other compounds...

In Syracuse, New York, Beckley, West Virginia, and San Angelo, Texas have been overrun and destroyed.

We've had no contact from the six international outposts, but we are assuming that they, too, have been eliminated.

What happened to the people inside?

Massacred.

The same fate that will befall almost all of you.

Almost all?

LANGDON: In the knowledge that this very moment might occur, we built a failsafe...

The Sanctuary.

The Sanctuary?

The Sanctuary is unique.

It has certain security measures that will prevent overrun.

MEAD: Excuse me, sir.

What measures?

Why weren't we given them?

That's classified.

All that matters is that The Sanctuary will... survive, so the people populating it will survive, so humanity will survive.

Who are the people who are populating it?

Also classified.

However, I have been sent to determine if any of you are worthy and fit to join us.

[MURMURING]

LANGDON: The Cooperative has developed a particular and rigorous questioning technique we like to call...

"Cooperating." I will then use the information gained to determine if you belong.

What is this, The Hunger Games?

This is bullshit.

I paid my way in here, and that is the only cooperating I plan on doing.

You don't have to sit for questioning.

What happens if we choose not to?

Then you stay here and die.

I volunteer to go first.

And so you shall.

The process should only take me a couple of days, so you won't be kept in suspense forever.

For those of you who don't make the cut, all is not lost.

If the worst should happen and feral cannibals come knocking, down one of these.

One minute later, you fall asleep and never wake up.

I look forward to meeting each and every one of you.

COCO: Well, smooth move, asking to go first.

There's an old actor's adage.

Either go first or go last.

You're not going anywhere.

EVIE: Are you suggesting that he is going to pass me up?

COCO: You're ancient.

He's looking for people to repopulate the Earth, - not fill a bingo hall.

- You know, for someone with the mental capacity of a three-year-old, I suppose might seem ancient.

COCO: You were when Elvis took his last sh*t.

- That's enough!

- EVIE: Oh, no.

Let her spout.

I remember a wonderful lunch that I had at Dan Tana's with Natalie Wood.

Natalie turned to me and she said, "Evie, you are a survivor.

You're gonna outlive us all." And dear Natalie...

She turned out to be right.

Hmm.

[DOOR OPENS]

So how's this work?

I'm not gonna tell you what criteria I'm using to grade you.

Things you may feel are helpful may be hurtful.

Things you may feel will compel rejection may be exactly what I'm looking for.

So I can't game the system?

If you hedge, I will know.

If you lie, I will know.

And if you try to trick me, I will know, and this interview will be over, and you will die here painfully.

Are we clear?

What is your sexual orientation?

I'm gay, but I f*cked a girl before in high school, and I finished and everything.

She did, too.

I think.

It's harder to tell with girls.

Um...

but I'm just saying that I can do that, you know, for, for procreation if I have to.

We have techniques for harvesting genetic material.

We still need a woman's womb to incubate the fetus, for now, but your ability to impregnate some poor girl isn't needed.

Tell me about your anger.

Tell me about your grandmother.

Why would you put those two things together?

[TAKES DEEP BREATH]

Okay.

I hate her f*cking guts.

Good.

Why?

Because she wants me to be the perfect gay: married, with a pair of Yorkies and a collection of Wedgwood dishes.

- A eunuch.

- A eunuch.

That's not me at all.

I'm not that old, but I'm old enough to remember when sucking d*ck was both a way to get off and an act of political rebellion.

She's shamed you.

In the past.

What do you know?

Maybe...

I have a file that tells me all your secrets, or maybe I'm sensing something, or maybe I'm just fishing.

Tell me who you really are.

Are you looking for some kind of confession?

I'm not a priest.

I don't even know if I believe in God.

I mean, if there was a God, why would he allow the Armageddon?

The concept of sin does seem a bit antiquated.

Rules for keeping the chaos at bay.

No need for rules anymore, chaos has won.

Uh, uh, Nana, she used to throw these bullshit suburban gay lunches.

God, it was like the h*m* version of

The Bachelor.

[LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Walter, who was a lawyer who represented Scarlett Johansson and had an affinity for pleated khakis.

Morris, who owned, like, dogs.

And Mario Vestri, who was a manager at Pottery Barn.

Anyway, they were all dipshits.

They hated her, but they pretended to like her crappy food and listen to her dumb stories, because they thought that if they hooked me, they would get her money when she d*ed.

She never told them that she donated everything to some cat charity in her will.

♪ ♪ Darling, that is not proper dining attire.

It is where I

like to eat, Nana.

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ MR.

GALLANT: Is that bisque?

I freakin' love bisque.

♪ When you want to come ♪ [MUFFLED]: Oh, yeah.

Ah, bisque, baby.

♪ When you want to go to it ♪ ♪ Relax, don't do it...

♪ [MR.

GALLANT SLURPING]

You're pathetic.

And that was the last time she ever tried to tame me.

So you like leather?

I like a lot of things.

Can I ask you something?

Are you gay?

'Cause I'm getting a real major hit off of you.

Does the idea of that excite you?

[SOFTLY]: Yes.

What are you gonna do about it?

Let's continue this conversation another time.

What?

That's it?

How did I do?

Did I get in?

[SIGHS]

This one kiss a week is bullshit.

I know.

I want to get out of here.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm not gonna wait around to find out if Langdon chooses us.

And I don't exactly trust him, anyway.

I say we steal two rad-suits and some food and take our chances on the road.

Find The Sanctuary ourselves.

That is crazy.

We don't...

Have you forgotten what it's like out there?

Langdon made it here okay, and he was all alone.

He doesn't exactly look like Mad Max.

We don't even know where The Sanctuary is.

Maybe...

there's something in his room that'll tell us.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

What?

There's something wrong about Langdon.

We're smarter than him, so let's f*cking prove it.

[DISTORTED, ECHOING]: Tell me who you really are.

[KNOCKING]

[EXHALES]

What?

Come in.

Oh...

you pack that thing in your luggage?

Is this phase two of the interview, or...

are you just here on your own time?

[HISSES]

[PANTING HEAVILY]

I am yours...

body and f*cking soul.

[GASPS]

[MOANING]

[GRUNTING, MOANING IN DISTANCE]

[GRUNTING, MOANING CONTINUE]

[GASPING]

Oh, God.

[MOANING]

♪ ♪ - [KNOCKING]

- MEAD: Come.

[DOOR CREAKING]

I'm so sorry, I-I never thought I would have to do this, but I am truly at a loss.

You got something to say?

Well, I know that blood is thicker than water, but...

[SIGHS]: oh, the things I have just seen.

[EVIE TAKES DEEP BREATH]

I'm terribly conflicted.

Because this could totally destroy his chances of going to the Utopia.

Of course, I can...

console myself with the fact that his absence will leave an empty place for somebody more deserving.

[CHUCKLES WRYLY]

What did your grandson do?

[DOOR OPENS]

Is that on?

[WHISPERS]: No, wait.

What are you...?

Okay.

[TIMOTHY SIGHS]

This was sent a week ago.

How is that possible?

There's no infrastructure.

I don't know how he did, but he did it.

He must have a satellite hookup or something.

[TAPS KEYBOARD]

It's to The Cooperative about Venable.

"She has deviated from operating protocols and has instituted her own rules forbidding sexual contact.

Violation punishable by death." [TIMOTHY SIGHS]

♪ ♪ LANGDON: You have a gift for making the ugly look presentable.

[VENABLE CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Order on the outside does wonders to keep the chaos safely on the inside.

I'm onto you.

You've created your own rules in here.

I understand why.

I'm sure it was impossible to resist the temptation of making this place over in your image, especially when you thought that no one who knew any better would ever be around to notice.

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Complete abstinence?

Punishable by summary execution?

I received my orders in an encrypted communiqué from The Co-op before all communication lines went down.

Do you have it?

No, I do not.

The orders were to destroy it after I read it.

Odd.

I was instrumental in drafting all of the directives in regards to the running of the outposts.

And nothing would be more humiliating to a man such as yourself than to learn that a woman had more information than he did.

A man such as myself?

You...

and the others.

Masters of the universe, titans of industry...

swinging your dicks around so much that you managed to blow the whole world to hell.

You're a fighter.

I like that about you.

I'm just doing my best with the mess men made of things.

Maybe that's what was needed around here, hmm?

Some improvisation.

I'm gonna give you some important information instead.

You're the leader in here.

You need to understand what's at stake, what's really going on out there.

On the way here, I came across a woman.

A young mother with two children.

They were some of the unlucky ones who were far enough from the blast radius to survive the fireball but...

not the radiation.

They were covered in tumors.

Sores.

Their lungs were burnt from the toxic air.

After a few moments, I realized that the child she was carrying in her arms was already dead.

She was begging for us to m*rder her other child out of pity.

Mercy.

She didn't have the strength to do it herself, so she prayed for someone to come along and do it for her.

Did you?

No.

So...

who deserves a sh*t at salvation?

Let's start with...

Coco Saint Pierre Vanderbilt.

The Vanderbilt girl is a vacuous abomination of inbreeding.

She'd be my last choice to propagate the human race.

The hairdresser is a cowardly h*m*.

His grandmother is a festering pustule who just will not die.

And the talk show host...

well, actually, I don't know that much about that one.

At this rate, it sounds like you and I will have The Sanctuary all to ourselves.

[EXHALES]

Come.

There's no need for us to be adversaries, Ms.

Venable.

Take off your dress.

I will not.

[CHUCKLES]

Part of your cooperation includes a physical examination.

You can read my file.

Your file won't show me what I need to see.

Your shame.

I want to see that part of you that humiliates you the most.

[VENABLE SHUDDERS]

You won't get a second chance.

Does it hurt?

No.

But does it bring you great pain?

Yes.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

Is this part of my test?

Isn't everything?

So, then...

do I pass?

No.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Yes?

- I'm sorry to interrupt.

I need Ms.

Venable.

Good evening, Mr.

Langdon.

Sir.

Who was he with?

The old bat didn't get a look at the guy's face because he was dressed in black latex.

Head to toe.

I pressed Gallant for a name, but he won't talk.

It's obvious who this seducer was.

Look around, Ms.

Mead.

What's different?

Who's new?

MEAD: Langdon.

I think they know each other.

Why else would he volunteer to be his first interview?

They're plotting something.

Langdon.

How long have you known him?

In my soul, I've known him always.

[SCREAMS]

Rip Taylor!

What are you two planning?

[SCREAMS]

Larry Kramer!

Go on.

With every cr*ck of the whip, I'll pay tribute to the great gay radicals of the ' s and ' s.

Their names give me strength!

Oh, Greg Louganis!

- [GRUNTS]

- Again?

No.

He's enjoying it.

Most fun I've had since the Folsom Street Fair.

LANGDON: In seconds, we can destroy everything humanity has built over thousands of years, but we will never be free of the desire to be cruel to our fellow man.

[WINCES]

It wasn't so bad.

[WINCES]

Could have brought out the cat-o'-nine-tails, and I still wouldn't have ratted you out.

- Ratted me out?

- [GRUNTS]

For what?

You know.

For coming to my room the way you did.

In fact, all I could think about was our time together while they were having a go at me.

I've never been to your room.

Right.

And that wasn't you in the rubber suit giving it to me.

[CHUCKLES]

Let me be as clear as I know how to be.

I wouldn't f*ck you if you were the last man on Earth, and you almost are.

It's not because you're not physically attractive.

It's your neediness.

Your desperation to be seen and loved.

The hole you need filled isn't in your face or your ass.

It's in your heart.

You're pathetic.

I can see why your grandmother is disgusted by you.

You don't know anything about my nana.

[CHUCKLES]

Why else would she report you?

Make them do this to you.

I'm sure she hoped they would put you out of your misery...

and hers.

That's bullshit.

She's the reason you're staring at a death sentence.

She would do anything to increase her slim odds of getting out of here.

You know she hates your guts.

You're a liar.

Am I?

Perhaps you should go and talk to her about it yourself, then.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[GRUNTS]

["TIME IN A BOTTLE" BY JIM CROCE PLAYING]

♪ If I could save time ♪ ♪ In a bottle ♪ ♪ The first thing ♪ ♪ That I'd like to do ♪ ♪ Is to save every day ♪ ♪ Till eternity passes away ♪ This song makes me so melancholy.

They used it in a very special Hardy Boys

episode where one of the Hardy Boys' girlfriends dies.

Can't remember which one.

I had the biggest crush on Shaun Cassidy.

[SIGHS]

Innocent times.

Boring times.

The Hardy Boys

was a very popular program.

Yeah, of course it was.

You only had three networks.

You know what, this is exactly why this is so much harder on us youth than it is for you geriatrics.

You're used to only having two or three lame things in your life, like TV networks, uh, ways to drink coffee, sexual orientations.

- Mallory, help me with this, please.

- Dog breeds.

We had at least ten different Pomeranians to choose from.

And you guys were cool with drinking tap water.

We had so many options for everything.

Dental floss, air fresheners.

We didn't just order a burger...

We needed to know if we wanted turkey or veggie or that meatless kind that bleeds like the real thing.

We had at least four Chrises that could star in a movie.

How many did you have?

♪ I've looked around enough to know ♪ ♪ That you're the one I want to go through time with ♪ [GRUNTS]

Surprised to see me breathing, Nana?

They usually sh**t people for f*cking.

Or...

did you not remember that when you turned me in?

No hard feelings, darling.

I want to live, and the only way to achieve that is to get rid of these ten little Indians who stand between me and that golden ticket out of here.

Um, we're sitting right here.

It's not my fault that you can't control your carnal urges.

You have lived!

I...

haven't.

Oh, yes, you have.

You have crammed ten lifetimes of failures and screwups into your years!

Am I the only one who makes mistakes?

Hmm?

No.

But I'm always the one that has to clean up after you.

Let me see.

Three stints in rehab on my dime.

Fancy lawyers to keep you out of prison.

When your grandfather rejected you because of your perverted lifestyle, I took you in.

And what did I get back?

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, you went and you bankrupted two salons and then you snorted the third one up your nose.

I deserve to live.

I am the bridge between the past and the future.

I mean, when those poor survivors arrive, what do they know about culture and music and art?

And I will be there to tell them all about it.

One lifetime of me is worth of yours.

Humanity may be in a sorry state, but it deserves better than you.

[SHUDDERING INHALE]

I should have put you in that motion picture home years ago.

The only thing I ever wanted from you was for you to love me and accept me.

Why couldn't you just give me that?

Sorry, darling.

It's just not in my nature.

♪ Except for the memory of how ♪ ♪ They were answered by you ♪ Well, it's a good thing you convinced me to bring your nana.

They've been making up rules this entire time and lying to us about it.

What else have they been lying about?

Are we what they say we are, here because of our perfect DNA?

[SIGHS]

It doesn't matter.

What are we doing?

What we should have been doing this whole time.

["TIME IN A BOTTLE" BY JIM CROCE PLAYING]

♪ If I could save time in a bottle ♪

♪ The first thing that I'd like to do ♪

♪ Is to save every day ♪

♪ Till eternity ♪

- ♪ Passes away. ♪

- [STATIC]

["GOLD DUST WOMAN" BY FLEETWOOD MAC PLAYING]

♪ Rock on, gold dust woman ♪

♪ Take your silver spoon ♪

♪ Dig your grave ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Heartless challenge ♪

♪ Pick your path and I'll pray ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Wake up in the mornin' ♪

♪ See your sunrise ♪

♪ Loves to go down ♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪ Well, did she make you cry ♪

♪ Make you break down ♪

♪ Shatter your illusions of love ♪

♪ And is it over now?♪

♪ Do you know how? ♪

♪ Pick up the pieces and go home ♪

♪ ♪

[RUBBER CREAKING]

♪ Rock on, ancient queen ♪

♪ Follow those ♪

- ♪ Who pale in your ♪

- [HISSES]

- ♪ Shadow ♪

- [EXHALES]

♪ ♪

♪ Rulers make bad lovers ♪

♪ You'd better put your kingdom ♪

♪ Up for sale ♪

- [SCREAMS]

- [SHOUTS]

- [GRUNTING]

- ♪ Up for sale ♪

- EMILY [CRYING]: Stop!

- [TIMOTHY GRUNTS]

♪ Well, did she make you cry ♪

♪ Make you break down ♪

♪ Shatter your illusions of love ♪

♪ Well, is it over now? ♪

♪ Do you know how? ♪

♪ Pick up the pieces and go home ♪

♪ Well, did she make you cry ♪

♪ Make you break down ♪

♪ Shatter your illusions ♪

♪ Of love, and now tell me ♪

♪ Is it over now? ♪

♪ Do you know how to pick up the pieces... ♪

Wouldn't f*ck me if I was the last man on Earth?

♪ Go home ♪

♪ Go home... ♪

[MUFFLED GROANING]

♪ ♪

♪ Pale ♪

♪ Shadow. ♪

This is extremely disappointing.

You know what has to happen now.

Nothing has to happen, because we haven't done anything wrong.

I explained the rules when you arrived.

Those are your rules.

The Cooperative doesn't care if we have sex.

Who told you that?

Langdon?

He has a g*dd*mn laptop in his room.

You have been making all these bullshit rules up.

You're sick.

- [SHOUTS]

- [GRUNTING]

- [CRYING]

- The world is strewn with the unburied corpses of seven billion people, and all you can think about is fornication?

And I'm the sick one?

Get them out of here.

Their punishment - can't come soon enough.

- No, please!

No!

[SOBBING]

Venable's crazy!

[SCREAMING]

[SOBBING]

[CLANK]

[CLANK]

[RAPS TWICE]

[PANTING]

- [g*nshots]

- [PANTING]

We warned you.

You brought this on yourselves.

- Emily, Emily, I'm sorry.

- [GASPING]

Get it done.

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

[CRACKLING]

[PANTS]