02x16 - God Johnson

[bunniefuu]

Lucifer is on a gurney, in a hospital.

Lucifer: I'm not the Devil, I'm just a man who's delusional. I made it all up. I made it all... Up.

36 hours earlier, Lucifer has a session with Linda.

Lucifer: I'm doing great.

Linda: Great. Great is... Good...

Lucifer: Okay, good talk. Same time next week?

Linda: Uh, sorry, it's just that... Some of the things that you said in our last session raised some issues for me.

Lucifer: Do tell.

Linda: So this secret plan to cut through the Gates of Heaven...

Lucifer: Well, actually, we've hit a bit of a snag with that. The Flaming Sword's kaput. Now, we can't work out what's wrong with it, and until we can, we're in a bit of a holding pattern.

Linda: Ah, that's a relief.

Lucifer: Well, why would you say that?

Linda: God and His ex having a fight to the death? Sounds kind of bad for, you know, humanity.

Lucifer: Oh, you'll probably be fine.

Linda: Probably? That's not exactly reassuring. What does Maze think of your plan?

Lucifer: Well, I don't know. I haven't told her. Hence the secret part of the secret plan.

Linda: She's your best friend.

Lucifer: Yes, well, as much as I love my little sex thug, Maze can do things that she thinks are in my best interest that turn out to be, well, disastrous. And I can't afford that.

Linda: Hmm.

Lucifer: But the good news is she's busy focusing on her new bestie right now. The Detective. They're practically inseparable.

Chloe tries to avoid Maze.

Maze: Hey, roomie. Where you going?

Chloe: Maze, hey. Um, I'm on my way to work. I'm running late.

Maze: Oh, no, but you haven't had breakfast, come on.

Chloe: No, I'm... Oh, yeah, no, I'm not hungry.

Maze: Yeah, I know, the whole boring domestic thing... Not my jam. I should stick to managing the social part of our friendship. You want to kick someone's ass?

Chloe: Maze, I feel like, you know, we've been hanging out a lot lately. And I think perhaps we should expand our circle of friends.

Maze: I got you, Decker.

Chloe: Yeah? You do?

Maze: I smell what you're stepping in… Trust me.

Chloe and Lucifer are walking in a hospital’s hallway.

Chloe: You know, you should give a Maze a call. Hasn't it been a while since you two hung out?

Lucifer: Tired of tripping over her sex toys, are you?

Chloe: I didn't say that. I just think it would do her, and me, some good if she wasn't around all the time.

Lucifer: Well, here's the thing. Maze is like one of those little baby birds that imprints on whatever's near. Sadly, that's you. You are the new me.

Chloe: I don't want to be you. I just want some space.

Lucifer: Oh. Eventually Maze will find her place, but until then, what's the worst that could happen?

They enter in the crime scene.

Ella: m*rder. Confirmed. Blunt-force trauma to the back of the head. The victim got hit with this backgammon board.

Lucifer: Not very sportsmanlike.

Ella: Hmm-mm. He was an orderly. Toby Mulligan, 32. Body was found here.

Chloe: Okay. They interview the staff or the patients yet?

Ella: No, not yet. It's a psychiatric hospital, so the staff didn't want the patients wigging out over the dead body. They've been busy moving everyone to a different floor.

Lucifer: I love the mentally ill. I mean, who isn't amused by someone who thinks they're Elvis or Napoleon or Wesley Snipes?

Chloe: Who found the body?

Daniel: God.

Lucifer: Ah! See?!

Daniel: God Johnson, he's a patient. He's right in there. The guy actually thinks he's God. He changed his name and everything.

Chloe: Oh. You two should have a lot to talk about.

Lucifer: Yes. I would like to have a chat with the Almighty.

Daniel: Cool your jets, man, all right? There's a whole bunch of bureaucratic hoops to jump through to set up an interview. The hospital administrator has all the info.

Lucifer enters in an office to talk to God Johnson.

Lucifer: Well, hello, God.

God Johnson: Hello, my son.

Lucifer: Right, yes, I suppose that would be the standard way to greet your children. Nice touch.

God Johnson: What can I do for you?

Lucifer: Well, it's what I can do for you that's exciting. See, I can reveal the truth about the Supreme Being you've chosen to impersonate. I bet you wanted to be God because He's benevolent, all-powerful, yada yada. But in actual fact, He's a d*ck.

God Johnson: Look, if you want to be angry with me, you just go right on ahead. I can be anything you need me to be.

Lucifer: Right, enough of this idle chit-chat. Time to tell you what the charade's really about. What do you desire? Hmm? To avoid a vengeful ex-wife? Years of back taxes? What's your game?

Lucifer is using is power on God Johnson, it’s not working.

God Johnson: Is this a staring contest? 'Cause, you know, I'm pretty good at those.

Lucifer: How is this possible? Oh, right, yes, I bet you're on some really amazing dr*gs, aren't you? If so, share-zies.

A nurse enters.

Nurse: You're not supposed to be in here.

Lucifer: Oh, never mind. I'm done with this fraud, anyway.

God Johnson: It was real good seeing you, Samael.

Lucifer: What did you say? Dad?

Lucifer talks with Amenadiel about God Johnson at the penthouse.

Lucifer: Has Dad ever visited Earth before?

Amenadiel: Not that I'm aware of. And besides, why would He do so now?

Lucifer: Mm. I don't know, maybe because we're plotting to overthrow Him.

Amenadiel: Even so, Luci, that's not the way Dad operates. If He has a problem, He sends an emissary, like me, or maybe a burning bush.

Lucifer: So how does this God Johnson know Samael, hmm? My name.

Amenadiel: Oh, wait, I know.

Lucifer: You do?

Amenadiel: The Internet! It's truly amazing what you can find online. Have you seen that video with the cat that jumps inside the box?

Lucifer: Very funny, but I didn't even introduce myself as Lucifer. And there's something strange about... I can't explain it.

Amenadiel: Because it's just crazy talk coming from a mentally ill human.

Lucifer: Well, there might be another reason.

Amenadiel: Right. What's that?

Lucifer: Well, Earth is His favourite toy. Maybe He got fed up of looking at it from afar. I mean, it's not an entirely awful place. Even you have to admit that.

Amenadiel: Now you're the one sounding crazy, Luci, because Earth... Earth is nothing compared to Heaven.

Lucifer: Oh, come now, brother. I think you've grown to like the place, haven't you? Come on, be honest. When we return to Heaven, there must be something that you're gonna miss, eh? Or someone, maybe? Someone in tight leather pants with a penchant for knives? I'm referring to Maze, of course.

Chloe, Lucifer and Ella are at the lab.

Ella: Come on, guys. Is it really so crazy? I mean, what if God was one of us?

Chloe: Just a slob, like one of us.

Ella: Exactly. Or just a...

Chloe: A stranger on a bus.

Lucifer: My father would never use public transport. That song is completely unrealistic.

Ella: What song?

Lucifer: The song I hate almost as much as I hate these hypocrites, like God Johnson.

Chloe: Hypocrite? Hmm, I don't know. I see some similarities between the two of you.

Lucifer: That man is not my father.

Ella: Well, good thing, 'cause he might be our k*ller. Whaaat? Oh, my God, Ella, how do you know that? I'll tell you how I know that, because our victim was bald. It's very hard to get prints off a body, so I whipped out the ultraviolet alternate light source, and... Boom, complete set on the victim's noggin. They match one Earl Johnson, wealthy oil magnate from Odessa, Texas.

Chloe: Huh. It says here his wife committed him a few months ago after he gave all of his money away and started calling himself "God." Mr. Johnson never said that he touched the victim's body.

Lucifer: Left out the k*lling part as well. And proving he's the k*ller is the perfect way to expose his false idolatry. Right, shall we?

Chloe: No, we shan't. Because you spoke to him without permission, I had to apply for a special hearing just to interview him. That'll take at least a few days, so thank you for that.

Lucifer enters at the hospital with a bag.

Lucifer: Hello, there. I'd like a suite for the evening, please. Preferably one with a view.

Receptionist: Are you joking? This is a psychiatric hospital.

Lucifer: Apologies, I'm skipping ahead. Uh, I am the one and only Lucifer Morningstar… The Devil. Dark Lord? Oh, for goodness sake, Beelzebub! Look, I clearly need to be committed right away.

Receptionist: Yeah, we're at near capacity, pal. So unless you're a danger to yourself or others...

Lucifer grabs the receptionist.

Lucifer: How's that?

Receptionist: Great.

Lucifer: Lovely.

Daniel opens the fridge at the station.

Daniel: Dammit! Who stole my pudding again? Huh? Markowitz?

Charlotte: Want a taste?

Daniel: Don't you have better things to do than to raid our fridge?

Charlotte: I was about to leave this place altogether, but I hit an unexpected snag… Now I need to distract myself with something… Hello, something.

Daniel: You know, just in case I'm giving off an "I have zero self-respect" vibe, let me make it clear… Hands off. I'd rather sit at home alone, and in the dark, than to hang out with you.

Charlotte: Sassy. I like it.

Lucifer goes to see patients.

Lucifer: Deal me in, gentlemen. Oh, and lady.

Tourette: Buy in's ten thousand big ones.

Lucifer: Oh, right, high stakes. I like it.

Tourette: Pig farts! Crash and burn.

Lucifer: Oh, I see, you're one of those. Right.

Lady: 200.

Dale: I swear, I am gonna s*ab you in the eye if you do not stop dealing me crap! Call.

Pete: I'm out.

Lucifer: Um, ten thousand, all in.

Lady: Fold.

Lucifer: What do you know about God Johnson?

Pete: I like fire.

Lucifer: Right, never mind.

Moustache: Maybe I can help. I did see him perform a miracle.

Lucifer: Really?

Moustache: He scored me an extra Jell-O at snack time. Shh.

Lucifer: Useless. Royal flush.

Dale: Cheater!

Tourette: Red pubic hair!

Lucifer: Mm-hmm.

Lucifer catches a pant with his face.

Dr. Garrity: Billy, what did I tell you about throwing your underwear?

Billy: They're not mine.

Dr. Garrity: Really? 'Cause you're naked.

Lucifer: Yes, I'm more of a boxer briefs guy, but thank you.

Dr. Garrity: Sorry about that. You must be Lucifer. I'm Dr. Garrity.

Lucifer: Oh. Yes.

Dr. Garrity: Can we talk later? I have to get him to his electroshock treatment.

Lucifer: Really?

Dr. Garrity: Just kidding.

Lucifer: Yes.

Dr. Garrity: You, this way. Come.

Lucifer: Very good.

Dr. Garrity: Let's go find you some pants.

God Johnson left.

Lucifer: What the hell.

Lucifer finds God Johnson. He is k*lling someone.

Lucifer: Aha! Of course, you're the m*rder*r. Right, suppose I should thwart you now. Off to jail, cowboy.

Lucifer stops God Johnson.

God Johnson: No, please, I have to save her.

Lucifer: What do you mean, save her?

God Johnson heals the lady.

Lucifer: It really is you… You son of a bitch.

Lucifer hits God Johnson.

Chloe visits Lucifer at the hospital.

Chloe: Why the hell would you get yourself committed?

Lucifer: I did it to help the investigation. Hey. What do you think? It's a good likeness, isn't it?

Chloe: That's it, I'm pulling the plug. I'm getting you out of here, now.

Lucifer: No, no, no, no. You were the one who said it would be difficult to interview God Johnson. So, I took some initiative. I went undercover. You must admit having an inside man could be quite effective.

Chloe: So, you're doing this just to help the case?

Lucifer: Well, there may also be some personal issues I'd like to explore with Mr. Johnson. But yes, the main reason I came was to prove he's the k*ller.

Chloe: Is that why you punched him? To force a confession?

Lucifer: Not exactly, but he had it coming. You see, Detective, it turns out, he may actually be my father after all.

Chloe: You've decided that the lead suspect in this investigation may be your father?

Lucifer: I know that God Johnson is not the k*ller.

Chloe: And you know that because...

Lucifer: Because another patient was att*cked last night and I saw God Johnson heal her. And here's me being super-duper helpful: before the orderlies took the victim away, she told me who did att*ck her.

Chloe: Great. Who is it?

Lucifer: Santa Claus.

Chloe and Dr. Garrity are talking in the court.

Chloe: He's always been... Quirky, but now, he's... I-I don't know. I'm-I'm worried about him.

Dr. Garrity: Well, Lucifer certainly is an interesting case, but I can't really discuss the, uh, specifics of his diagnosis. Now, is he your, um... Uh, fiancé? I mean, uh, boyfriend?

Chloe: No. Lucifer's a co-worker.

Dr. Garrity: Good, good. Well... I'm sorry. I mean, that's good to know. That's, um, information, which is helpful, 'cause it's informative.

Chloe: Right. Yes, of course, yes.

Nurse Kipsy: Dr. Garrity? It's time for music therapy.

Dr. Garrity: Thank you, Nurse Kipsy.

Chloe: I should get going anyhow.

Dr. Garrity: Well, listen, um, if maybe, uh, if you want to talk some more, about Lucifer or, uh, anything else, uh, feel free, uh, to give me a call. My cell phone number's there.

Chloe: Thank you.

Dr. Garrity: Okay.

Chloe’s phone rings.

Chloe: Hey, Maze. What's up?

Lucifer goes to talk to God Johnson.

Lucifer: I'll give you one chance to apologize.

God Johnson: Apologize? You punched me. Tell you what I can do: I can forgive you.

Lucifer: Taking the high ground, are we? Magnificent. Well, I may have struck the latest blow, but that is only in response to the litany of offenses that you, dear old Dad, have bestowed upon me.

God Johnson: So you believe me? Good. Tell me, just what is it you think I've done?

Lucifer: Oh, we're going there, are we? Right, let's see. Um, casting me into Hell for eternity because you haven't got the balls to get your own cowardly hands dirty. Manipulating me with the Detective, giving me the illusion of control. You are a... Patronizing, sinister, helicopter parent!

God Johnson: So you think you have no free will.

Lucifer: Every bad thing that's happened throughout eternity is your doing, not mine! It's all part of "God's Plan." Even Mum's coming here and manipulation of me was part of it.

God Johnson: Your mother's here?

Lucifer: Oh! Look who cares now.

God Johnson: Oh, my. Oh, well, that is something. I still remember the first moment we met… Mmm. There was nothing, just darkness and... Then she appeared… It did not take long for us to light up the universe.

Lucifer: Much as I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane, I want an apology... Nay. Nay, I demand penance. You must atone for what you've done.

God Johnson: Now, that's not the Samael I remember.

Lucifer: No. No, Dad, this is who you made me when you cast me away! Now apologize!

Lucifer’s eyes light. Linda enters in the office.

Linda: Uh, Lucifer?

Chloe is at the phone with Maze. Maze is at Lux.

Maze: Guy sounds like he wants to bang.

Chloe: He's Lucifer's doctor, Maze.

Maze: So what? Doctors don't want to get laid?

Chloe: Does everything always have to be about sex with you?

Maze: Yeah.

Chloe: He was just trying to be helpful.

Maze: We should invite him on the booze cruise.

Chloe: What booze cruise?

Maze: Tonight. I had a friend set up a yacht. You know, it'll be like a hip-hop video. You said you wanted to expand our circle of friends.

Chloe: That's not what I meant at all.

Maze: Oh. You want to ride solo with Dr. McHotty. I can get behind that. Or on top, dealer's choice. I'm kidding. Okay, I'll set it all up. You won't have to lift a finger. Let me help you.

Chloe: I don't want, nor need, your help with setting up a date. I'm good.

Maze: Why not? You and I are flowing, Chlo. Same page.

Chloe: Nope. Different books altogether.

Maze: You cr*ck me up, Decker.

Ella is singing at her lab. Chloe enters.

Ella: Oh, my God, Chloe, this song is so good.

Chloe: Yeah, yeah. People seemed to really like it... In 1995.

Ella: Oh, my God, and the music video.

Chloe: Uh... Oh.

Ella: What's going on?

Chloe: So, um, by chance, have you found any evidence pointing to, um... Santa Claus?

Ella: I was gonna ask you the exact same thing.

Chloe: Really?

Ella: Yes. Long white hair. Found it on the victim's clothes. Wasn't sure what it was, but yeah, totally screams Santa. I'll have it tested ASAP.

Chloe: I could see if you're mentally troubled, you see someone with long white hair commit a crime, you could call him Santa Claus. Right?

Chloe is looking for the patient’s pictures.

Chloe: Kind of like this guy.

Ella: Uh, yeah. Dude looks exactly like the creepy drunk Santa at the mall when I was a kid.

Chloe: Too bad setting up an interview would take forever... Without a doctor's permission.

Ella: Ooh.

Chloe: A doctor's permission...

Chloe phones Maze.

Maze: Yeah?

Chloe: Hey, Maze. You still want to help me?

Lucifer pushes Linda in a wheelchair in the hospital’s hallway.

Linda: Okay, so that was "God" God back there? As in capital "G"? I didn't bow.

Lucifer: I should have bowed. You should have spit in His face.

Linda: Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Lucifer: Then you're no use to me, Doctor. What on earth are you doing here anyway?

Linda: Chloe sent me to check on you because she was worried. But now, I'm worried. Please tell me you're not still planning on having your mom and God destroy each other.

Lucifer: Don't be silly. That plan won't work anymore.

Linda: Oh. Oh, good. Maybe I should've curtsied.

Lucifer: Unfortunately, Dad seems to be soft on Mum. Like he still has feelings for her. Which gives me another way to punish them, far more tortuous than death.

Linda: And we're back to "not good."

Lucifer: No, no, no, no, this is better. And you, my dear doctor, are going to help me.

Lucifer has a reunion with all the patients.

Lucifer: Okay, you've all been chosen to help with a very special mission called "Operation Help Lucifer Escape from the Hospital."

God Johnson: Mm, that's a little on the nose, son.

Lucifer: You are literally the judgiest person in the universe. You know that, Dad?

Pete: Escape? But we get pudding here.

Lucifer: Oh, look, I know the puddings are good, but there must be more that you all desire. I mean, come on, Pete. I know desserts aren't the only thing that tickle your fancy, are they? Hmm?

Pete: I do want to watch it all burn.

Lucifer: Right.

Lucifer lights a lighter.

Lucifer: Then fire away.

Pete: Oh...

Lucifer: Go, go, go, go, go. Right.

Lady: I want to turn the lights on... And off.

Lucifer: Good! Go! I love a good rave. Who's next?

Billy: I want to throw underwear at heads.

Lucifer: Laundry room! Right? Go forth, people. Come on. Liberate yourselves. Play to your strengths.

God Johnson: So this is your big plan for busting us out of here. Encouraging a man to steal underwear?

Lucifer: No, no. That was just for fun.

The fire alarm rings.

Lucifer: That is how we're gonna escape from here. Come on.

The patients do whatever they want. Lucifer and God Johnson are hiding near a way out.

God Johnson: All right. It was a pretty good plan.

Lucifer: Thank you. You've got a, um... Hmm? It's just... Come here.

Linda opens the door.

Lucifer: Ah, right. Uh, Linda, Dad. Dad, Linda.

God Johnson: A handshake'll do, my beautiful child.

Linda: Okay.

Lucifer: Right, are we finished? Come on, let's get a wriggle on. Let's go.

They escape.

Chloe gets prepare for her date.

Maze: I've seen your mom dress sluttier than this.

Chloe: Okay, Maze, this is an interrogation disguised as a casual dinner. There's no need to get dolled up. Please don't tell me you made reservations at somewhere fancy.

Maze: Opposite of fancy. It's here.

Chloe: Here. Why?

Maze: Well, duh, your bedroom's here. Where else are we gonna have sex?

Chloe: For the last time, Maze, we're not having a threesome.

Maze: I'm okay to watch.

Someone knocks on the door.

Maze: Showtime.

It’s Amenadiel.

Chloe: Oh, an orgy? Definitely off the table.

Charlotte is at Lux.

Charlotte: Lucifer? What is it you wanted to show me?

The music and lights turn on.

God Johnson: Well, now. You are as radiant as the moment we first met.

Linda and Lucifer are spying.

Linda: Explain to me what's going on, please.

Lucifer: I'm trying to recreate their first date.

Linda: You're... What? Wait. You're trying to Parent Trap God and the Divine Goddess?

Lucifer: What? It worked in the movie. Don't you see? With Dad here on Earth, I don't need the Flaming Sword or a trip to Heaven to exact my revenge.

Linda: Okay, but how is having them fall in love again revenge?

Lucifer: Oh, trust me, Doctor, after a brief re-honeymoon period, they'll start torturing each other like they always do. Mum and Dad together are their own worst punishment. It's genius.

Charlotte: Do I know you?

God Johnson: Only since the beginning of time.

Charlotte: What is this? Where's Lucifer?

God Johnson: Aw, who knows. That son of ours is unpredictable, to say the least.

Charlotte: Husband? Is this really you?

God Johnson: In the flesh.

Charlotte hits God Johnson in the nuts.

God Johnson: Oh! God...

Charlotte: You put me in Hell, you bastard.

At Chloe and Maze’s apartment, the none date continues.

Dr. Garrity: Uh, it's a great pizza. Uh, never tried pineapple and jalapeño before.

Chloe: Yes, I know. Uh, Maze has very eccentric tastes. I would, I would've made something if I had notice. You know. Any notice.

Dr. Garrity: No, no. I-It's great. You know, I like trying new things. Meeting new people.

Amenadiel: Are you gonna eat that?

Dr. Garrity: N-No. No. So, um, Maze. Uh, where are you from?

Maze: Hell. By the way, I changed the sheets on Decker's bed. She's good to go.

Chloe: Okay. Excuse me. Maze, can I speak to you for a second?

Maze: Oh.

Amenadiel: I like the shape of your head.

Maze and Chloe are talking apart.

Chloe: What the hell are you doing? I'm not Lucifer. I don't need what he needs. What I need is a friend.

Maze: You want your privacy. Gotcha, Decker… Psst.

Amenadiel joins Maze. Chloe comes back to the doctor.

Chloe: Excuse my roommate. Sh...

Dr. Garrity: No, that's, uh, it's nothing compared to the, uh, intriguing folks I deal with at work.

Chloe: I can imagine. I-I actually would love to hear about that.

Maze and Amenadiel are talking in the kitchen.

Maze: Why are you here? I wasn't planning on having sex with you again, but... Whatever, right? At least someone's getting laid.

Amenadiel: I'm not here for sex, Maze.

Maze: Okay. Then, what?

Amenadiel: I just... There's not much time before we're gone.

Maze: What, are you going on a vacation?

Amenadiel: I'm not sure I'd call what Lucifer, Mom and I are doing going a vacation, but... Lucifer didn't tell you.

Maze: Tell me what? I told you never to lie to me again, Amenadiel. Tell me what?

Amenadiel: We're all going back to Heaven.

Chloe asks question to the Doctor Garrity.

Chloe: So tell me, how, how do you have your job and stay sane?

Dr. Garrity: Oh, uh... Years of practice, um... dr*gs. Mostly dr*gs.

Chloe: Mm.

Dr. Garrity: But, um, but, seriously, um, I just... I try and see beneath the DSM. Try to remember that each one of them is a person.

Chloe: Yeah. I, uh, I saw this older gentleman the other day. Uh, long white hair. White beard. He reminded me of my crazy Uncle Al.

Dr. Garrity: You must be talking about Dale.

Chloe: Yeah, what's his deal? Is he one of the violent ones? Um...

Dr. Garrity: Uh... Um, what kind of civil servant are you, exactly?

Doctor Garrity receives a text.

Dr. Garrity: Wow. Well, this evening just got even more interesting. Apparently, your co-worker, Lucifer, just escaped and took God Johnson with him.

Charlotte asks Lucifer some explanation.

Charlotte: What's he doing here, Lucifer?

Lucifer: I don't know. You married him.

Charlotte: Well, it kind of ruins our plans to storm the Gates of Heaven and destroy him.

Lucifer: Well, I'm thinking we might not need to do that anymore.

Charlotte: I will never forgive him, if that's what you're getting at.

Lucifer: The point is, Mum, that I think Dad... Sincerely misses you.

God Johnson: Well, of course I do. How could I not? Look at you. An absolute vision. Glowing, even now.

Charlotte: Oh, you have no idea.

Lucifer: I'm just gonna... Doctor.

God Johnson: For the life of me, I can't even remember why we were fighting.

Charlotte: The flames? Eternal damnation? The... Kind of hard to forget.

God Johnson: I am so sorry that you suffered.

Charlotte: Well, I su... Suppose I should apologize for trying to destroy your precious toy with floods and with plagues and whatnot. I guess humanity isn't entirely awful. They did make vodka. Roller coasters. Triple crème Brie.

God Johnson: You hear about dancing?

Charlotte: Yes, I actually did some of that on a table, once.

Lucifer turns on the music.

God Johnson: Would you do me this honour?

They dance.

Linda: You sure it's revenge you're after?

Lucifer: Of course it is. What else would it be?

God Johnson: What's the matter?

Charlotte: This. I didn't think this was possible. It wasn't part of the plan.

God Johnson: So, maybe... Maybe we make a new plan. This time, we make it together.

They kiss. Chloe enters.

Chloe: Lucifer!

Lucifer: Detective!

Chloe: Seriously?

Some guys take God Johnson.

Chloe: Okay, outside now.

Lucifer is back in his room at the hospital.

Chloe: First you check yourself into a mental hospital, only to kidnap another patient and escape. Lucifer, how is that helping?

Lucifer: Well, i-if you must know, God Johnson is indeed my father, and, uh, I needed to do a little matchmaking.

Chloe: With him and Charlotte Richards? I mean, I'm scared to know how she ties into all this.

Lucifer: Well, never mind that. What about our k*ller? Hmm? Did you find proof of Santa Claus?

Nurse Kipsy: Time for your meds.

Lucifer: Ooh, lovely. Thank you. Right. Unexpected perk of the place.

Chloe: Maybe it's a good thing there's another day on your 72-hour hold. You know? Maybe being here is the best thing for you right now.

Lucifer: Okay.

Chloe knocks on Dr. Garrity’s door office.

Chloe: Hey. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I lied. I, um... Sometimes with work, I get shortsighted. And I never wanted to...

Dr. Garrity: Use me?

Chloe: Yeah.

Dr. Garrity: If you had just been up-front with me, I would've told you that Dale, the guy you were asking about, he's been here for 15 years. Yeah, he can seem a bit prickly, but he's a teddy bear. He's got no violent tendencies. There is just no way he'd k*ll someone.

Chloe: All right.

Dr. Garrity: Legally, I can't let you look at Dale's medical file… But, um... What happens when I turn away is, um, out of my hands.

Chloe: Thank you.

Dr. Garrity: Yeah. Ooh, look, a Nigerian prince needs my help. Wow.

Chloe: Thanks... Santa Claus?

Chloe and Garrity are walking.

Dr. Garrity: Okay, so what's the big deal? Someone dresses up as Santa every year. Patients love it.

Chloe: Yeah, well, that someone could be the k*ller.

Dr. Garrity: But a different person does it every year. Even I did it a few years back. Okay, we store the, uh, costume in here.

Garrity opens a cabinet. Chloe takes a box.

Chloe: Wait, wait, wait… Where's the beard? The red hat?

Dr. Garrity: It should be in there.

Chloe: Okay, two things. Who else has a key to that cabinet? And... I need you to put these on.

Lucifer is junk. Santa Klaus enters in his room.

Lucifer: Ooh, ooh. These dr*gs are a bit different, aren't they? 'Cause I can't feel my tongue. Oh. Hello, pretty kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty... Santa, you're here as well? Oh, I'm afraid I've been a naughty boy.

Santa Klaus knocks him out. Nurse Kipsy pushes Lucifer in the hospital.

Lucifer: You may want to see this, I am actually the Devil.

Nurse Kipsy: No, you're not the Devil. You're just a man who's delusional in a mental hospital. You made it all up.

Lucifer: So... I'm not the Devil. I'm just a man who's delusional. I made it all up… I made it all up! I made it all up.

God Johnson: Hello, son.

Lucifer: Dad! See? I am the Devil. Nice try, Santa.

Nurse Kipsy: Tell me what you told the police.

Lucifer: Only the truth. That you, Mr. Kringle, are a cold-blooded k*ller.

Nurse Kipsy: What else?

God Johnson: What do you want to know, Nurse Kipsy?

Nurse Kipsy: Why aren't the dr*gs working on you?

Lucifer: Well, it's obvious, isn't it? It's because he's God! Uh, oh. Hey. Hey, they shouldn't be working on me, either, but... Is the Detective still here? That might explain it.

Nurse Kipsy: Shut up.

Lucifer: Okay.

Nurse Kipsy: Doesn't matter. Now you know it's me, I have to k*ll you both.

Chloe is still with the doctor.

Dr. Garrity: What's that for?

Chloe: A long sh*t…

Chloe gets a hand print.

Chloe: Okay.

She takes a picture.

Dr. Garrity: That's got to be the coolest thing I've ever seen. I'd-I'd applaud, you know, if I weren't cuffed.

Chloe: Sorry about that. It's just a precaution.

Dr. Garrity: Hey, I get it.

Chloe: Bingo.

Dr. Garrity: Wow. That was fast.

Chloe: Yeah, you don't know Ella. The print belongs to one Patricia Hightower.

Dr. Garrity: We have a patient named Sue Hightower, the one God Johnson att*cked.

Chloe: Okay. I'm waiting on a DMV photo. She looks familiar.

Dr. Garrity: That's Nurse Kipsy.

Nurse Kipsy explains why she kills the orderly.

Nurse Kipsy: I changed my name so no one would know she's my mother… She was a raging bitch my entire life… Controlling, manipulative... She tortured me… So I decided to t*rture her. Pumped her full of dr*gs, drove her crazy.

Lucifer: Preaching to the choir, sister. Evil parents deserve to be punished. You had every right to destroy her. But what about the orderly?

Nurse Kipsy: He found out what I was doing. He... Said he was gonna turn me in. I had no choice.

Lucifer: No, he was innocent and you k*lled him, so I am gonna have to punish you… Why aren't I pulverizing you?

Nurse Kipsy: Uh, one because you're a nutjob. And two, because I switched out your normal meds with a massive dose of Haldol. You know... They don't normally let patients wear belts. su1c1de risk. So, thank you for getting a special dispensation for yours because now I got it. God is gonna k*ll Lucifer, then hang himself… Kind of poetic, don't you think? Gonna go find a ladder.

Lucifer: Oh, a ladder.

God Johnson: Now, I had no idea you were so angry with me.

Lucifer: Really? 'Cause I... I've been pretty up-front about it.

God Johnson: But to want to destroy me? That's pretty serious. You mind telling me why?

Lucifer: Because... Because I'm your son. And... You rejected me.

God Johnson: Oh… Well, then I guess I can't say as I blame you. The fact of the matter is, I don't even remember why I was ever so angry with you to begin with… For what it's worth... I am sorry. I truly am… And I am proud of you, Samael. I am proud of the man you've become… So, what do you say...Wait, no. Not... Not my belt. You can't take my belt. It's mine.

Chloe arrives.

Chloe: Patricia Hightower, LAPD. Don't move.

Lucifer: Detective.

Chloe: You okay?

Lucifer: Honestly... I've never felt better.

Earl Johnson: What this? What-What just happened?

Lucifer: What are you talking about? We just b*at Santa.

Earl Johnson: Who are you?

Lucifer: It's me, Dad. Lucifer.

Earl Johnson: Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on? Get me out of these damn things.

Lucifer watches the belt.

Lucifer: "The piece is here."

At the penthouse, Lucifer reunites the sword and the missing piece.

Lucifer: Well, what do you know?

Amenadiel: It fits perfectly.

Lucifer: Yes, I think this is what Uriel was trying to tell me… Just before he d*ed, he whispered in my ear, "The piece is here." I mean, I thought it was nonsense, but... This must be why the sword wasn't working. It wasn't complete.

Amenadiel: Dad supposedly destroyed the Flaming Sword after the rebellion. So, are you saying he just broke it into two pieces? Azrael's blade...

Lucifer: And this. Yes, which somehow ended up on Earth. Its power probably awakened when Azrael's blade ended up here, too.

Amenadiel: Which is when Mr. Johnson must've stumbled upon it. But why did he think he was father?

Lucifer: Well, I mean, Azrael's blade inspired death. Maybe this piece activated the opposite... Life. Healing. Gave him the power and knowledge of the divine.

Amenadiel: And when he found out that he could heal like that, he... He thought he was God.

Lucifer: What's more important is that now the sword's complete, we can get on with our plan.

The piece falls down from the sword.

Lucifer: So... The... Or not. Maybe there's another piece missing.

Amenadiel: Or maybe a dragon has to breathe on it. Who knows?

Lucifer: Well, maybe Mum does. Did... Where is she, anyway?

Charlotte knocks on Daniel’s door.

Daniel: I thought I made myself clear.

Charlotte: I kissed a man today.

Daniel: What's your deal?

Charlotte: I thought he was my ex-husband. When I kissed him, I realized it wasn't him. And the strangest part is, I don't know what's more upsetting... That it wasn't him? Or that I... I wished it was.

Daniel: Wow.

Charlotte: I just don't want to be alone. Could we just hold each other? Please? With your pants off, of course.

Lucifer and Earl Johnson are waiting for a cab.

Earl Johnson: I still can't believe I gave all my money away.

Lucifer: Well, if it's any consolation, you haven't exactly been yourself of late.

Earl Johnson: Yeah.

Lucifer: Listen, I wanted to ask you... What's the last thing you remember?

Earl Johnson: I was in New Mexico for work, I was walking through this Navajo gift shop. I saw a cool belt buckle, so I picked it up, and... Next thing I knew, I woke up strapped to a gurney next to you.

Lucifer: Lucky you.

Earl Johnson: Yeah. Hey, they, uh, they say we was arguing. If I did or said something to upset you, I apologize.

Lucifer: No, no, you were quite lovely actually. For a brief moment, I thought you were my father. A man for whom I harbour a great deal of resentment. And you said some things that I think I wish he'd always said to me, so for that I thank you.

Earl Johnson: Well, I guess even a blind squirrel catches a nut every now and then… You take care of yourself.

Earl gets in the cab.

Earl Johnson: Hey, does this mean you're not angry at your dad anymore?

Lucifer: No, I'm not angry. I'm bloody furious. 'Cause I realized that my father would never say those things to me. And for that... I hate him all the more.