07x07 - The Curse of the Pirate Bride

Episode transcripts for the TV show "New Girl". Aired: September 2011 to May 2018.
After a bad break-up, Jess, an offbeat young woman, moves into an apartment loft with three single men. Although they find her behavior very unusual, the men support her - most of the time.

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07x07 - The Curse of the Pirate Bride

Post by bunniefuu »

And so, beautiful monkey cracker.

Monkey cracker boyfriend.

In Russia, we would strap you to goat - and see if you live.

- (chuckles)

And if you don't live, we eat the goat.

May you die together.

- (cheering)

- Well, that was wonderful.

- Did someone ask her to speak?

- CECE: Okay.

Up next, Nick's two best men: my husband and Winston Bishop.

- (cheering)

- SCHMIDT: Okay.

Oh, this is gonna be trouble.


Okay, so, uh, Nick and Jess asked the two of us to make a toast - the night before their wedding.

- But Schmidty and Winnie don't roll like that.

- Uh-oh.

- So why toast BOTH: When we can roast?

This is about to be really funny.

Okay, let's start with Nick.

Now, I don't want to say Nick here is a lazy piece of human garbage with a flat ass and the writing talents - of a brain-d*ad alcoholic.

- (laughs)

Because why state the obvious?

(Schmidt and Winston laughing)

Oh, my God.

- Oh.

- But in a real way, Nick sucks as a person, y'all.

- SCHMIDT: That's right.

- WINSTON: He really does.

But more importantly, his writing - also sucks!

- (laughs)

You know what they say: you put a thousand monkeys in front of a thousand typewriters One of them will be Nick, and he'll probably be writing The Pepperwood Chronicles.


That's a dumb-ass book.

Maybe this is our fault.

We threw this wedding together so fast.

And you did tell 'em to go hard.

I did actually tell them to go "hawd" and to not get "scurred," so th-that's where the confusion might be.

- And that brings us to Jess.

- Okay.

Beautiful, big-eyed Jess who could have had any man she wanted in the whole wide world.

- And still can.

- And still can.

- She still can.

- Run!

- WINSTON: Get your ass out.


- He ain't no good.

- Do you think this is funny?

- No.

- He's gonna drag you down!

- That's a loser!


- Yep.

And he's a piece of doo-doo on top of it he won't pleasure you, just himself.

Do I really have to sleep at Schmidt's house tonight?

- He wants to do facials.


I feel like that's not what I think it means, but I still don't want to do it.

Well, it is tradition to sleep apart the night before the wedding.

So, what does, uh, tradition say about hand stuff?

I'll have to check the book.

- Okay.

- WINSTON: That's Nick Miller.

- What book?

- SCHMIDT: Thank you.

- Okay.


- Right there.

- For real, though.

- Okay.

Have a lovely evening, you guys.


- That was good, right?

- Yep.

- God, Mom!

- I wasn't touching it.

You shouldn't have slept together the night before your wedding.

It is bad luck.

- Oh.

- Mom, that's just a stupid superstition.

Oh, it is so not.

Your Uncle Elmer slept with your Aunt Jeanie the night before their wedding.

And they've been married 40 years.

But he's gay.

You're playing with f*re.

- This marriage could be cursed.

- Well, if the curse means spending the rest of my life with the woman I love, then I say - bring it on.

- Oh, grow up.

- I love you.

- Love you, too.

- Also, your Wang is out.

- It is?


JESS: I'm getting married In the morning Even though it's later in the day Am I nervous?

Maybe Damn, I forgot to invite Sadie Who knew my Uncle Elmer was gay?

Hey, Jess, I'm gonna take Mario for a little walk.

I'll see you on the other side of the aisle.

I'd ask you for a kiss, but I don't want to mess with the curse.

Well, that curse can kiss my ass, and you can kiss my face.

That's very funny, but the swearing will end when we're married.

- All right.

Love you.

- Love you.

Have fun.


(toy squeaks)

Honey, you are as beautiful as the day you slid out of me.

No one is gonna be able to take their eyes off you.

You're a vision.


- I don't look like a pirate bride?

- No.

- No way.

- Never.


Why are we lying to her?

Not now, Ruth.

(clears throat)


Once I am finished with your hair, no one's gonna notice anyway, okay?


Nothing that covers my shoulders.

I want to make sure I leave room for the parrot.

It's the curse.

I told you.

She slipped in the shower and scratched her cornea on a dog toy.

That could happen to anyone.

ALY: Hey.

People on one side of the aisle won't even notice.

- Oh.

- Is it that bad?

I just want to check it out.

- It's fine oh.

- Can I look at it?

Oh, God, I look like a prost*tute from an Old West movie that everybody calls Winks.

Oh, my gosh, I actually arrested a prost*tute named Winks once.

Was she pretty?

She was a good person, but she had her demons, like we all do.

We don't need to talk about Winks.

Ah Excuse me.

Mom, what if it is the curse?

What if I cursed my future with Nick?

What if it's all downhill from here?

It's not real, okay, do not let that get into your head.

- Sweetheart, this wedding is a wash.

- Oh, my God.

You'll get it right the next time.

- Joan - Cece.

(indistinct conversations)

NICK: Tran!

Look at you.

You look so good, you heartthrob.

Hey, did you ever think Jess was gonna want to marry me?

You did?

Ah, see, I didn't see that.

I just feel like the luckiest guy in the whole world.

That's a very sweet thing to say.

Hey, I'm feeling a little bit antsy.

What's a groom supposed to do on his wedding day?

I said day, not night, you little pervert.

(laughing): I know what to do in the night.

Oh, my publisher just showed up.

I want to see what he thinks about my new book.

I'm not gonna give him your poems.

I'm not gonna do it.

I gave you my opinion on 'em.

There was some r*cist stuff in there that I didn't dig, and I don't want my name associated.

I'll give him your poems.


There he is, father of the bride.

I've been told to keep you to three drinks, sir.

Very cute.

Almost as cute as the toast that you gave last night.

Let me ask you something as a fan.

When you rhymed Nick's name with a certain body part, how did you come up with that?

I mean, because, come on, brilliant.

Thank you very much for saying that, it means He's being sarcastic.

Oh, so now you can read the room.

What the hell are you talking about?

We k*lled it last night.

Yeah, I explained every joke

- right after I told it.

- Yeah.

You stunk, like a a big wheel of Limburger cheese.

Now, that's comedy.

Stay away from me.

Nick, I gotta tell you, Chicago Hobo is

- some of your best writing.

- You really liked it?

- Oh, I loved it.

- What a relief.

I had no idea you had such a difficult childhood.

I mean, you've seen a lot of d*ad dogs.

- 313.

- Ah.

- So, when are we publishing this?

- Oh, no, no, we're not.

Uh, it's too dark for the tween market.

I-I thought you said you re you really l-liked We can sign you up for three more Pepperwoods.

I feel like I'm done with Pepperwood.

That's a great, that's great, that's great.

- See, because he's Jewish

- Okay, yum, yum.

Who's that bear over there?

Don't answer.

(wings flapping)


The curse?


- Oh - Hey, I'm just, uh, looking for hairspray.

What is going on with you?


Where's Ruth?

Oh, she's busy guarding the bridal suite.

No boys allowed.

Get him, Mario!


You sure you're okay?

Because you seem to be in some pain back there, like you were in, I don't know, labor.


No, my baby loves being in here.

You don't even know.

- All right.

- (groans)

I'm fine.

Get out of here.

- All right.

- See ya.

(Aly groans loudly)

JOAN: Jess, honey, it's happening.

- What is?

- The curse!

How often do you check your mail?

Mom, you know your girl's paperless.

- You're being evicted.

- What?!

This is from the new management company.

I have to move out in 30 days.

Oh, no.

Everything's going wrong.

You were right.

I cursed us.

- This is a disaster!

What do I do?

- Shh, shh, shh.

- What do I do?


- Shh, shh, shh.

Sweetheart, I know just want you need.

How about you try to relax with a little of the cheeba

- from Aunt Reeba?

- What?

- (whispering): Marijuana.

- It's my wedding day!


Did you bring that on the plane?

- Yes.

- Mom!

Really, just take a small toke.

It's not that strong.

It's so weak, they call it g*n Control in America.

CECE: Hey, babe.

I found the hairspray, and Oh, my God, you're in your dress.

Babe, you look so beautiful.

I can't believe you're finally getting married, and - Cece!

- Hey!

Oh, my God, I am so high.

- (whispering): Come here.

- Mm-hmm.

I have something to tell you.

- Come here.

- Okay, I'm here.


Whatever you do, don't tell Cece.

- Mmm.

- Oh, my God.

Okay, how much of your mom's stuff did you smoke?

It is so mild.

Like, I don't even feel it.

- Nothing, huh?

- If I look in your eyes,

- can you taste what I'm tasting?

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, we have - 60 minutes till the wedding.

- No, look into my googly eye.

- Uh, do I have to?

- Yeah.

- You taste delicious vanilla cake?

- No.

- Damn it.

- Okay, here's the plan.

I am going to fix your makeup, - and then we ride this thing out.

- Oh, I've got a plan.

- What?

- Check this out.

- This is gonna be good.

- What is happening?

Or strap on a spare patch, and Nick marries a sexy fly.


I'm just gonna remove this.

Okay, here we go.

- I can see.

- Yes, yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

- So the upside to this is, at least you are not freaking out

- about your wedding being cursed.

- Yeah.

- That's a bonus.

- Oh, Cece, question.

- Uh-huh.

- At what size does a cup - become a bucket?

- Uh - Jess.

- Russell!

How the hell are you?


You, look, um Gosh.

Mmm, did you have some cake yet?

Uh, tons of it at my house, but that's my issue.

Look, I really need to talk with you, Jess.

- Okay.

- (Aly groaning loudly)

Did I make that sound with my mind?

- CECE: You okay, Aly?

- Mm-hmm, I'm fine.

I just swallowed a wasp, and it stung me inside of my throat a bunch of times.

I don't see what the big deal is.

Please stay away from me!


Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna go after that girl right there.

Russell, could you please keep an eye on Jess?

Don't let her out of your sight.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Uh, Jess, you're, um your right eye's kind of stuck.


: Not if I do this.

Much better now.

Hey, so, um, we think we may have done a bad job with your toast.

SCHMIDT: Uh, it's Winston's fault.

- What?


It is entirely Schmidt's fault.

- This is not a funny man.

Doesn't matter.

Look, we want to make it up to you, so if there's anything that we can do, please just l-let us know.

- Our marriage is cursed.

- Wh-What do you mean, cursed?

Last night I seduced Jess at the, uh, rehearsal dinner.

I dangled my hot body in front of her, and she couldn't resist, and we had a night of weird, wild sex that would have made the good Lord proud, and now our marriage is cursed.

Come on, man.

None of that stuff is true.

Curses aren't real.

Yeah, but you believe in crystals, Winston.

Crystals are real, dude.

Don't say nothing bad about crystals!

Merle said he's not publishing Chicago Hobo,

- and then a bird pooed on me.

- SCHMIDT: What do you mean,

- he won't publish it?

- Where's the bird?

I'll poo on him.

Those two things happened back-to-back.

That's a curse.

Stop being such a goy boy.

You go find Merle, and you tell him that you are not writing another Pepperwood until he publishes Chicago Hobo.

- You think it'll work?

- I know so, okay?

He's right over there.

We believe in you.

- You can do this.

- I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna do it well.

- Hell, yeah.

- That's right.

- (whoops)

- Well, guess we fixed the toast.

(indistinct chatter)

Look at our boy, all grown up.

Little disappointed about what we talked about.

You know, you and I we make a good combination.

- Winston and Schmidt.

- Mm-hmm.

- I set 'em up, you - And I set 'em up.

All right.

It looked good, man.

How'd it go?

Good, good, good.

He told me to go to hell and that he's not gonna publish Pepperwood anymore,

- and I basically lost my job, so

- Mm.


Uh Curses are real, people!

They are real!

I got to go protect my bride.

WOMAN: This is the oddest wedding.

(groaning loudly)

Oh, hey, Cece.

Oh, I'm so mad about politics.


Aly, you are having the baby, okay?

- I know those labor eyes, sister.

- Okay, fine.

- I'm in labor.

- I know!

Why is this how we make more people?

It's a terrible system.

Oh, honey, we got to get Winston,

- we got to get you to the hospital.

- No, no, no.

I don't want to go until after the wedding.


Take me to drugs.

Take me to drugs right now.

There we go.

All right, here we go.

I don't want to scare you, but this is the easy part.

- You feeling better?

- Yeah, yeah.

The fresh air's really helping.

We're in a stairwell.


You must think I'm the worst for going elbow deep in the ganj.


In fact, I was high for, well, all my weddings.

Whatever gets you down the aisle.

Well, I seduced Nick last night.

I lured him into my bridal chambers, and now we're getting evicted, my eye looks like ground beef, and I cursed our marriage.

- You believe in curses?

- Not normally, but I just want to know that Nick and I are safe, and no cartoon anvil's gonna fall out of the sky and crush us to smithereens.

Is that crazy?

No, but maybe it's not signs and curses you're worried about.

Maybe it's the relationship?

I mean, maybe, deep down, you know you and Nick aren't right for each other.

Wait, what?

What are you running from?

Here I am, sitting with an amazing, beautiful, smart woman on her wedding day, and she's stoned and wearing an eye patch, and sitting in a dank stairwell with her ex.

You want to talk about signs, that's a sign.

A sign of what?

Don't marry Nick.

Be with me.


I love you.

Oh, boy.

Ooh, hey, honey.

Hey, Ruth, is Aunt Jess here?

- I really need to talk to her.

- What's the password?

WINSTON: Oh, the password.

Oh, uh, yeah, it's - Ruth 1.

- Wrong.

- Ruth 2?

- Wrong.

- Ruth 3?

- Wrong.

- Don't do this to me, kid.

- Wrong.

Ruth, honey, just tell us where Aunt Jess is, okay?

Sure, for a hundred bucks.

- I ain't got that.

- I've never been more proud of that I mean, this is my daughter.

- Unbelievable.

- Yeah.


Man to man, I need to talk to Jess.

I need to know if she's okay.

But they're not back there.

They're on the stairs.

- Who's "they"?

- RUSSELL: Look.

When you first started working, I thought I was gonna be fine, I was over it, and then the more time we spent with each other, it just all came rushing back.

And you're choosing to tell me this now?

We've been together literally every day

- for the past week and a half.

- Yeah.

I shouldn't be telling you any of this, but I also know

- that if I didn't, I'd regret it forever.

- Russell, I am in love with Nick, 100%, okay?

This is not puppy love.

This is old-ass dog love.

Do you remember your first date with Nick?

You ran into me sign and I asked you both to write down what you meant to each other on the back of some valet ticket.

You kept those?

I think you should look at those before you get married.

Neither of you were ever sure about this, not really.

Not deep down.

Jess, be with me.

Let me give you the life you deserve.

- Let me make you happy.

- (door opens)

- Let me make you d*ad, you son of a bitch!

- Oh, Nick!

- (shouts)

- Oh!




NICK: I'm gonna get you

WINSTON: What you think you're doing, Russell, huh?

Don't you have enough wives, you slut?

- I'm winning, I'm winning, I'm winning!

- Take that!

I'm losing, I'm losing he's so slippery!

He's like a dolphin!

Wow, Jess.

- That dress.

You look so beautiful.

- Thank you.

But your eye.

What happened to your eye?

- No Oh.

- Did this son of a bitch steal your eye?!

- I'll k*ll you!

- No, no, I hurt my eye, and then my mom gave me some of that sweet Portland b*mb-a.

Look, Nick, I love you.

I have no feelings for Russell.

But how could you not?

He is so handsome!

I mean, look at him!

He's physically outstanding!

And it's all my fault!

Because I brought the curse on us!

Did the curse make you more handsome?!

- Yeah.

- That's my question to you!

- He is physically incredible!

- Nick, please don't fight him.

We both know you're gonna lose.

- BOTH: Let's do this!

- SCHMIDT: I got your back, man!

- Let's do it!

- Yeah, unlucky for you, I'm packin'.

RUSSELL: Oh, yeah?

I can take all three of you.

I kick.

I kick really high!

You're all so bad at fighting!

- Boys, what's the strategy?

- We hit him, - then we hit his ass again!

- Uh-oh, - I think he heard your strategy.

- Nick, take your clothes off.

- What?!


- I just got your suit pressed.

- Time-out.

- Time.


Guys, guys, guys, guys,

- Aly is in labor.

- What?

My baby's having my baby?

My baby's having my baby!

Are you okay?

I love you so much.

What if it comes out covered in all the gum

- I've ever swallowed?

- Baby, you'll be fine.

- I'll call the doula.

- The doula's at Lollapalooza.

Please tell me one of you g*ons is sober enough to drive this

- circus to the hospital.

- Not me.

I've been drinking all day.

I only have one working eye!

Well, I'll take you to the hospital.

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

- CECE: Great!

Uh, we'll b*at you up after the baby is born.

Why would you say that?

Babe, why is your crystal out?

Were you fighting?

Aly, Winston, you come with me.

- (elevator bell dings)

- Wait, everybody come.

I forgot who we're dealing with.

(tires screech)

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, only Blaze drives the limo!

(car horn honks)

Damn, they said, "Blaze, you gonna lose it.

" And I was like, "Nah, it's too big.

" (chuckles)

Are you holding it in?

You got to hold it in.

Don't want it to fall on the ground and get dirty.

That's not how it works.

I'm really nervous about what you don't know.

Hey, are we positive that this hospital has a baby department?

- I think so.

- I hope so.

Ooh, Dr.


Good to see you.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, Russell.


Your sixth wife is out there somewhere.

It's just not me.

Good-bye, Jess.

Good-bye, Russell.

Hey, do the right thing and get us the most expensive thing on the registry.



Sorry about your hand.

- (groans)

- At least we're in a hospital.

- Does it hurt?

- Definitely.

- Russell is shockingly strong.

- Yeah.

Especially for a boy his age.

I guess the curse is real.

Yeah, we got evicted.

A bird deuced on my shoulder.

I say this with love, but your eye is trash.

Merle went crazy and decided that a book about a hobo with electric ankles wasn't a home run.

And now I'm out of a job.

We don't have a home.

I mean, we're cursed.

- (laughs)

It's kind of our thing.

- Yeah, it is.

I mean, even the first time I kissed you, you know, you were still dating Dr.


And now here we are in a hospital waiting room, three miles away from our wedding.

- Figures.

Sounds like us.

- Yeah.

Hey, do you remember on our first date we wrote how we felt about each other on two valet tickets?

Ah, Jess, I'm sorry.

I was just scared to tell you how I really felt.

I was scared, too.

We've both been scared about so many things for so long, and you know what?

I don't care about the past or the future.

All that I care about is right now, right here, you and me.

I just want to have a weird, wonderful life together.

You know?

I want to get married and I want to take care of you, and I don't even care about a stupid curse.

Guys, guess what.

- Oh, my God.

- Is the baby here?

No, Aly's only three centimeters.

It's gonna be another 13 hours.

Yeah, the doctor told me to run around and burn off some energy.

I was not being helpful.

I'm excited!


- Wait, where are you going?


- It's that way.

- It's over here.


- Wrong room.

- Wrong room.

- Aah, aah!

- Nope, nope.

Nope, nope.

Back over here.


I just came from here.

- Yeah, we know.

- That's where she is.

Go in.

(Winston whoops)

Hey, Jess.

Do you want to have the weirdest wedding of all time?

To you?

That's all I want, Miller.

This is it.

How do I look?

Beautif Beautiful.

(Cece clucks tongue, sighs)

Thanks for putting this together.

Of course.

Oh, thanks for doing this, Padre.

You know, my day is normally wall-to-wall death, but, uh, you said so many wonderful things about this man, I couldn't help but say yes.

I thought I was just a monkey with a typewriter.

Winston's fault.

That was his fault, 100%.

(whispering): Thank you.

Love you, man.

You two seem like a very happy couple.

- Thank you.

- I'm not marrying him.

I'm marrying a girl.

- That's okay, too.

- Music.

("Groovy Kind of Love" by Phil Collins playing)

When I'm feeling blue All I have to do Is take a look Can we hurry this along?

We're three minutes till the next contraction.

Oh, no, I'm wearing white to a wedding.

When you're close to me I can feel your heart b*at I can hear you breathing Near my ear Wouldn't you agree?

Baby, you and me Got a groovy Ooh.

Take care of our pirate bride.

I'm very proud of you, son.

I heard you fought like a coward - for my daughter today.

- (chuckles)


(whispering): I love you.

Anything you want to

- Hey.

- Hey.

We doing this, Jessica Day?

We're doing this, Nick Miller.

- It's about damn time.

- (Jess chuckles)

CHAPLAIN: Friends, we've been invited here today to share with Nick and Jess in a very important moment in their lives.

Jess, do you take Nick?

JESS: I do.

CHAPLAIN: Nick, do you take Jess?

NICK: I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.


- Oh, damn.

- Is it bad?

- Mm.

- I've seen worse.

I mean, literally ten minutes ago.

I think you'll be happy if it's covered.

(laughing): Sure.

It's you and me now.


(whooping and cheering)

- Hey!

- Ah!

(baby cooing)

Everybody meet Dan Bill Bishop.


Daniel William?

Nah, Dan Bill.

Uh, is Bill the middle name?


Dan Bill.

Dan Bill Bishop.

Family name or?

- Nah, it's Dan Bill.

- Oh.

Tell them you're kidding.

I'm not kidding.

It's Dan Bill Bishop.

- What?

- I'm not joking.

It's Dan Bill Bishop.

ALY: We're gonna talk about this.

WINSTON: You were sleeping.

I made an executive decision.
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