09x11 - The Hobo Games

[bunniefuu]

I'm getting really sick and tired of this "having to tell you what happened last week" sh*t.

Take some notes or something.

Get a pencil.

Grab some paper.

I'm serious.

I can wait.

[rock music]

♪♪♪

Your father is gonna be the new Hobo Loco beverage spokesperson.

Soon I'll be able to support those I love.

Little Frank-ettes.

[Ryan]

Each day, you'll be given timed challenges.

Those of you who fail to complete the tasks will be eliminated.

[grunts]

All's fair in love and hobo wars, Frank.

Whoa!

All's fair, Mikey O.

All's fair.

[Randy]

You will bleed out and die if you carry six babies to term.

She's trying to k*ll my babies!

[Randy]

Ingrid?

Ingrid?

Oh, crap.

I think I might be gay.

I've just been feeling ways that I never felt before.

Nice ass.

Hey, so what's the job?

Busboy?

Uh, dishwasher?

Street corner sign spinner.

- [Lori]

You'll be back tomorrow, right?

- Yeah.

- [both]

Die!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stop!

- [Amy]

We don't like him.

- [Kev]

Santiago's a good guy.

Oh, f*ck.

- [Lip]

Xan?

- I didn't know where else to go.

- Yo, wakey, wakey.

- Get the f*ck away from me!

[Margo]

You smell like booze.

- You're fired.

- What?

[Liam]

Some lady called the cops on me.

- [Fiona]

What'd you do?

- [Liam]

Selling lemonade

- in front of her house.

- m*therf*cker.

That was my brother with the lemonade stand.

[all exclaim]

[rock music]

♪♪♪

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Round up the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

[cell phone ringing]

Good morning, peaches and cream, number one girl.

How's my six embryos today?

[Ingrid]

You mean George, Gordy, Glenn, Gladys, Gina, and Gabby Gallagher?

We're pissed, Frank.

We're pregnant and we're lonely and we're tired of hiding from Dr. Kwan in this dark rat cave basement.

The final's today.

I want you home now.

I want you home now.

I want you the f*ck home now.

Right now.

Well, yeah, sure, you... you want that, honey.

This is for the future of our children.

You can't ask me to quit now.

You can't ask LeBron James not to play in the playoffs.

I'll be home tonight, a winner, - ...

- [sighs]

m*therf*cker!

Ingy?

[blues music]

[Mikey O.]

Things a tad stressful with the little lady, Frank?

Might be time to wash up and head home.

Nah.

She was just calling to remind me to be humble when I win.

I don't know.

That sounded a lot like a woman wanting you to quit.

Probably should.

I've quit many things in my life, Mikey...

School, jobs, marriages, rehab several times.

I am not quitting this.

I am the Hobo Loco Mofo.

Okay...

♪♪♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You don't even know what you're talking about ♪

[heavy machine noises]

[car alarm blaring]

[toilet flushing]

[heavy rock music]

♪♪♪

[woman]

What are you doing?

That's my Oxy!

Hey, that bitch stole my Oxy!

You f*cking skank bitch!

Get her!

♪♪♪

South Side piece of sh*t!

[laughs]

♪♪♪

Croissants?

Where the hell'd we get croissants?

That Randy guy keeps dropping off baked goods.

Who?

Mm, creepy guy.

Ingrid's ex-husband.

The more she refuses to come out of the basement, the more baked goods he drops off on our front porch.

I mean, look at this.

Cinnamon rolls, doughnut, doughnut holes...

Kelly, have you tried the cinnamon bread yet?

I know.

Better than sex.

- Mm.

- [both laugh]

[Lip]

What's everybody up to today?

[pirate accent]

Carl's looking for buried treasure!

Oh, laugh it up, guys, laugh it up, but come payday, you'll see who the real captain is.

[Debbie]

I gotta replace that janky furnace today.

You know how much the guy who quoted me went for?

- , bucks.

- Jesus.

Yeah, I'm gonna find a used one on Craigslist.

Craigslist is for murderers, isn't it?

Nah.

I've Craigslist-ed, like, times.

Only gotten r*pe-y vibes once.

You should try the scrapyard out past West Lake.

My dad used to go there for parts when he was rebuilding his World w*r II reenactment Sherman tanks, and we saw furnaces there all the time.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- [Debbie]

Where in West Lake?

- [Kelly]

I'll show you.

I don't have anything else going on today.

- Cool.

- [Carl]

Um, no, you have softball camp, so you can't hang out with Debbie today, 'cause softball camp.

[low voice]

"Softball camp." [normally]

You can skip camp, can't you, Kell?

Totally.

Girls' day.

We'll bring Franny.

It's a date.

[both laugh]

- [hurried footsteps]

- Hey.

May I interest you in a croissant?

We're a regular Starbucks.

No, thanks, I'm good.

Hey, um, are you still good to give me and Xan

- a ride downtown at : ?

- [Debbie]

Why are doughnuts...

- Yeah, uh, totally.

- Yeah?

Great.

I'll see you then.

Okay.

[Kelly laughs]

[Veronica]

Kev, come on!

We're gonna be late!

[Kev]

Uh...

You go ahead!

I'll meet you there.

With what car?

What are you talking about?

Come on!

Hey!

What are you doing?

We're gonna be late!

I Googled it.

[Veronica]

Googled what?

Vasectomies.

I saw a video on YouTube, and no, I'm not doing that sh*t.

No.

It's a two-millimeter incision that heals in two days.

The common cold lasts longer.

It's an incision with a Kn*fe into my ball bag.

It's what % of people do when they don't want to have kids anymore.

You agreed to this.

You said you wanted to do it.

I was emotionally distraught from losing Santiago!

Kevin Ball, get your ass out here right now, before I Lorena Bobbit you myself.

[rock music]

♪♪♪

[Veronica]

Excellent.

In the car.

Ball family, out!

♪♪♪

Ball out.

All right, hobos.

The final day of the Hobo Loco Man challenge is upon us.

Today, one of you will be crowned the Hobo Loco Man.

[cheering]

[Dax]

Three rounds today: quarterfinals, semifinals, and finals.

The first challenge is begging!

- [crowd oohs]

- [Dax]

You'll have two hours to make as much money as you can begging.

[crowd cheering]

Who do you think our competition is today?

Hmm, sorority girl, I think, is the dark horse.

I had a cousin once.

She was part of the Delta Nu.

She's dead.

Gloria?

Jesus.

But this guy.

He may be a strong finisher.

I saw him take a sh*t in the alley with no TP.

Wiped himself with a taco.

Hard or soft?

The taco?

- Hard.

- Wow.

- Thank you.

- [Amber]

Mm-hmm.

[Breathalyzer beeps]

- . . Coming in hot.

- [Amber]

Wow.

Your blood is basically jet fuel.

I've been training my whole life for this day.

. as well.

Ain't we even stephens?

[Dax]

All right, can I get two hours on the clock?

[dramatic music over speakers]

[cheering]

[Dax]

And...

- [timer beeps]

- Go!

Come on, let's go, go, go!

Tami's not here.

Should we bounce?

Let's give her another minute.

[Kelly]

See?

There.

That grate opens up to it.

If one of us goes under and pushes up and one of us stays here and pulls up...

We'll be able to get it out!

Are you a top or a bottom?

[both laugh]

- I mean...

- [Kelly]

I'll go down.

- You stay here.

- Right.

What you said.

You're looking a little flushed there, Debs.

- You okay?

- Shut up.

What are you guys still doing here?

Shouldn't you be downtown?

Yeah, you're right.

I should text her, see what's up.

[Kelly]

Okay.

Ready up there?

[Debbie]

Yeah.

You got room to push?

[Kelly]

I think so.

[straining]

Jesus.

All right, Xan, come on.

We gotta take the El.

What happened to Tami?

She has to bail.

That all she said?

She gotta bail?

[Debbie]

No text, no emoji,

- no sorry?

- Yeah.

So?

So she flew out of here this morning and now you're getting non-emoji cancellation texts?

- You're getting the D, son.

- [Lip]

Oh, come on.

People are allowed to bail, all right?

Stuff comes up.

Texts are short.

Uh-huh.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, pal.

She's right.

It's not looking good for you.

All right.

Come on, Xan.

Push!

[upbeat rock music]

♪♪♪

[Jameson]

Oh, yeah?

Well, I quit!

♪♪♪

[sighs]

You ever worked on the line, Carl?

In the kitchen?

Okay, let me ask you this.

Can you work Labor Day?

I guess.

Grab an apron.

♪♪♪

The twins tortured the Guatemalan refugees, not me.

That's why this whole thing is bullshit.

Now my wife's like, "We can't bring babies into the world, because if we do, our daughters will k*ll them." Well, why is that my scrotum's fault, and why can't she just take the pill, like other women?

Why is it so much worse for her to take a tiny little pill that makes her "crazy" than it is for me to get my testicle lobbed off?

[Rory]

Your testicle will not be "lobbed off," sir.

Only your vas deferens tubes are blocked.

Oh, it's bullshit.

I'm calling bullshit on vasectomies.

Time's up, vasectomies.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is that?

Needle.

Local anesthesia.

Oh, good.

I'ma need a lot of that.

Uh, lots extra, please.

I don't want to feel anything from my waist down.

Agh!

- Yeah.

- [sighs]

All right.

So what's my prognosis?

The prognosis?

How long am I gonna be in extraordinary pain?

Oh, uh, day or two at the most.

We've already called in a Vicodin prescription to your pharmacy, so take that as needed.

All right.

[tranquil music over speakers]

You feel anything down here?

Any feeling at all?

No.

Okay.

Now just try to relax, Mr.

Ball.

Is that a cr*ck?

No.

Just your name, sir.

Uh, won't you make yourself comfortable, enjoy this Muzak, and I'll be back shortly?

♪♪♪

[door closes]

- Okay.

- [Kelly straining]

Now push!

Are you pushing?

Yes, I'm pushing!

[both straining]

Psst!

Is the coast clear?

Yep.

Coast is clear.

Excellent.

I need some advice, Debbie.

Not for me.

For a friend.

- You got a sec?

- Sure, sh**t.

- Okay.

- [straining]

- [loud thud]

- [Debbie]

It's crowning!

- You're crowning.

- [Kelly]

Awesome.

- I'll come up and pull.

- Okay.

So here is my friend's situation.

She's pregnant, and she's worried that her man won't be there for her when her six babies come, so she's asked me what to do.

How will she know that he's really gonna be there?

Frank is not going to be there for you.

Definitely not, Ms.

Jones.

You should run away with that ex-husband guy.

He loves you.

People change.

That is the entire basis of my therapeutic practice...

That people change.

Frank can change, right?

No.

Times a million, no.

But he seems so committed.

You could test him.

For what?

To see how he really feels about you.

- Oh.

- That's a good idea.

Might as well.

Could tell him you have terminal cancer or are gonna die in three days, see what he says about that.

Interesting.

And this works?

[Fiona]

What works?

Testing a man for his loyalty.

How do you test a man for loyalty, Fiona?

You don't need to test.

If it's got a d*ck, it ain't loyal.

And what's with the hole in the floor?

A little early for a drink, isn't it?

All right, Mom.

I'm gonna turn in.

I'll have money for you later today.

[Debbie]

Any chance you could get it to me now?

I gotta buy a used furnace, and bailing you out of jail last week kind of cleaned me out.

Fine.

See you in .

All right!

Emiliano, KJ, Stump.

This is Carl.

He's our new fry guy.

This is grill, bun warmer, and beverage.

Iraq vet, ex-con, laid off by GE.

- Don't call us that, Lori.

- Yeah, what the f*ck, Lori?

Be nice to this one, boys.

He's never worked on a line before.

Hey, all you got to do is follow that chart.

When it says fry, you fry.

All right, kid, here's the deal.

We close at : p.m.

At : p.m., we all smoke a blunt at the picnic table out back.

As fry guy, you get to join us.

[Emiliano]

Congratulations.

You going the old signage route, Frank?

A bit trite, don't you think?

[sweeping orchestral music]

♪♪♪

It's true.

I got kicked out of the m*llitary 'cause I couldn't get enough of his cock.

[Mikey O.]

I lost a leg to the Taliban.

♪♪♪

Did they give a sh*t?

No.

[Mikey O.]

Sent my rainbow ass packing.

Our dream was to return home with two purple hearts.

Instead, we're in a parking lot with nothing to show for it except our love.

♪♪♪

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Oo-rah.

♪♪♪

[rock music]

♪♪♪

Hey, Jack.

Thank you.

♪♪♪

Phillip Gallagher?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you sit tight, okay?

You, uh, read about the ten best hotels of .

Good?

All right.

Hi.

Hi.

[Keandra]

How can I help you?

[Lip]

Uh, I want to apply to foster a ten-year-old girl.

Uh, foster to adopt, as her legal guardian.

- She a blood relative?

- No, but...

So you're an unlicensed non-relative.

Where's her mom?

She in the system?

No one knows where her mom is.

No dad in the picture?

Grandparents?

Well, I'll tell you right now, Mr. Gallagher, this process isn't set up to give a

-something male non-relative guardianship of a prepubescent girl.

- Sure.

- Lot of steps involved.

Lot of paperwork.

I, uh...

I brought a pen, so...

[Keandra]

The girl you came with...

is she the child you want to foster?

Yeah.

[Keandra]

Is she already in your care, staying at your residence?

She, uh...

She feels safe with me.

A'ight, her mom just up and left her.

A'ight?

She has no place else to go.

That's not how this process works.

[Keandra]

You can't just start fostering someone.

Okay.

[knocking, door opening]

[Rory]

All right.

Um, before we get started in here, gonna need you to sign this liability release.

If you could just sign right down there for me.

What are the chances I develop an internal hematoma?

Extremely rare.

What if I piss blood tomorrow?

Very rare.

Okay, time to sign.

[tranquil music over speakers]

♪♪♪

Doctor will be with you momentarily.

♪♪♪

[man yells]

♪♪♪

[man gibbers]

♪♪♪

[strains]

Jesus.

So we're all good there.

Add "check smoke detectors" and a working furnace.

Debs!

- [Debbie]

On it!

- Great.

Also, it says something about where I sleep.

Let me see.

"Own bed in a room with no more than one other person, of the same sex." Okay, uh, so maybe I could get a bunk bed for you and Debbie?

- That sounds fun, right?

- What?

No way.

No offense.

I have Franny.

All right, so I'll put the bunk beds in Fiona's room, you two can go in there, and Xan can have your old room.

No.

I'm a grown woman.

I'm not sharing a room with Fiona.

Look, she needs to sleep somewhere, Debs!

A'ight, I'm sorry.

I just...

I'm trying to figure this out, all right?

I'm gonna go buy a bunk bed, and we'll just go from there, yeah?

Hey.

Mm, here.

Utilities plus half of what I owe you.

Thanks again.

And for my next trick, don't wake me.

[clears throat]

Is she just going to bed now?

[music over speakers]

Done.

Let's roll.

Already?

That was fast.

Yeah, all done.

Easy-peasy.

What...

shouldn't we sign you out?

No, did it.

All paid, like Fandango.

I'm so proud of you, baby.

And then there were five, ladies and gentlemen.

- Yes!

- [all cheering]

Five contestants remain.

[Dax]

All right, for the semifinals, we have a challenge that is gonna separate the truly loco from the mildly loco.

We call it...

The South Side Emergency Room Challenge!

Whoo!

County General is two blocks away on Ellis and boasts the longest emergency room waiting time in all Chicago: - hours.

- [all gasp]

Your challenge, in one hour or less, is to get seen by an ER doctor.

You ever gotten through in less than an hour?

No, not possible.

It's gonna take gushing blood.

Amputation.

Grand mal seizure.

Aw.

Can I get one hour on the clock, please?

[crowd]

Oh...

All right.

[Dax]

And...

Go!

[cheering]

[easy listening music over speakers]

♪♪♪

Yo, Brad, hey.

Hey, man, could I borrow a socket set?

I got a bunk bed getting delivered.

Take whatever you need.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

I miss a party, or...

Uh, not a party.

Uh, just some refined sugar in honor of Jay Z over there.

[Lip]

Jay Z?

I'm days tomorrow!

No sh*t!

Yo!

Hey, man, I'm so sorry.

f*ck, I must have forgot.

Yo.

That's no joke, all right?

What can I say?

I got a good sponsor.

You know what?

We'll hit the : a.m.

tomorrow morning and get some pie and celebrate, okay?

- Sounds good.

- All right, good.

Hey, go ahead.

Have a cupcake.

Hey, man.

Um...

Cami say anything to you about Tami?

What about Tami?

I don't know.

She's acting funny.

She was supposed to pick us up this morning...

never showed.

I didn't hear anything.

Maybe she's not cool with the whole Xan thing.

I mean, it's one thing to start dating a guy, but it's another thing to start dating a dad with a preteen.

What's she been saying about it?

Oh, nothing.

I mean...

I don't know.

I guess I didn't really ask.

Women like to be asked everything.

I don't buy % milk instead of % without asking Cami.

What, you think she's gonna make me choose between her and Xan?

That...

that's crazy.

I don't know, but you gotta ask.

Just ask, pretend-listen, and nod.

Works every time.

♪♪♪

[Veronica]

Okay girls, here we go.

[Veronica]

Here we go, honey.

Okay.

[both sigh]

Oh...

Oh, you okay, honey?

Oh...

[groans]

Oh, the pain.

The pain is still so much.

It's mucho.

- Muy mucho pain.

- Oh.

The painkillers haven't kicked in yet?

Yeah, I...

...am answer questions.

Wow.

Okay.

I'll get you some ice.

You gotta ice it today every minutes.

[Veronica]

minutes on, minutes off.

[Veronica]

You hear me?

Ah.

[Veronica]

You guys want me to make you a snack before I go to work today?

[both]

Yes!

[Veronica]

Kev?

[Veronica]

Kevin.

Hey, hey, hey.

Are you gonna be okay watching the girls today?

Mm, yes, nachos.

Extra guac and sour cream.

sh*t.

[rock music]

[Veronica]

Hey, Deb.

Kev had a minor medical procedure this morning.

He's not up to watching the girls.

Can you watch them for a few hours while I run to the Alibi?

[Debbie]

Yeah, sure.

No problem.

Just throw them in the Pack 'n Play with Franny.

I have her watching cartoons till we're done here.

[Veronica]

Thanks, girl.

Cute furnace.

[Debbie]

Only cost me bucks.

♪♪♪ [sobbing]

[overlapping muttering, groans]

[Gerald]

I got a fork in my leg!

[Gerald]

I need to see a doctor!

[Gloria]

I'm suicidal.

I'm going to do it.

[general coughing]

- [Gloria]

I'm really...

- You ready?

[Gloria]

I'm really gonna do it.

- There you go.

- [Gloria]

I'm serious.

[Gloria]

I'm...

I'm so suicidal.

[Gloria]

I'm going to do it.

Oh, wow.

Ready?

[man groaning]

Okay.

- You go.

- [coughs]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[both coughing]

My friend and I have this cough.

- It just won't...

- Code red.

TB alert.

I think he's got a...

Yes, sir.

One second.

TB protocol!

Get them to quarantine!

You're being admitted.

There are some wheelchairs here for you right now.

Sir, if you could just have a seat.

[man]

Get them to isolation right away!

[woman]

We'll take you back to see the doctor.

[woman]

Let's get them to quarantine.

♪♪♪

[knocking]

[Fiona]

Could someone get that, for f*ck's sake?

[knocking]

Oh, God.

Keep your f*cking pants on.

[sighs]

- What?

- Hi.

I'm Peter Naylor, here to see Phillip Gallagher.

- He at home?

- Lip!

- [clears throat]

- You home?

Guess not.

What about Alexandra Galvez?

- She in?

- Who?

Alexandra Galvez.

G-A-L-V-E-Z.

Female, age ten, African-American.

Oh, Xan?

That her name?

Uh, I'm sorry.

I was sound asleep.

Yeah, Xan crashes here sometimes.

- Why?

- I'm with DCFS, here to do a home safety check for a case opened up by Phillip Gallagher.

Oh.

May I come in?

Sure.

We're just doing a few, uh, home improvement projects - today.

- Hmm.

Your tetanus is up to date, right?

Is that an open hole in the floor?

Uh, yes, but it's not what it appears to be.

My sister is actually a welder, so she's very qualified to...

Uh, Debs, can you come down here, please?

Who's in charge of these children?

Um, Debbie.

Debbie is.

Uh, the woman you can't find?

Uh, well, she's definitely here.

She's just probably getting a tool or something.

Debs!

Can you come down here, please?

Are you here?

Uh, it doesn't seem like Debs is here.

Hmm.

Well, also, I was...

I was here.

I was right upstairs, so if the kids needed anything, I...

I would've heard them and come running.

Weren't you sound asleep?

Uh...

[laughs]

Yes.

Mm.

And where does Alexandra sleep?

Uh, on the couch, most of the time, I think.

We take really good care of her.

[clears throat]

Upstairs?

Why not?

Of course.

- Oh, we did it!

- [sighs]

Got it done.

New furnace, boy!

[laughs]

Oh, I'm parched.

Can I drink out of that?

Yeah, sure.

Let me turn it on.

[squeals]

[both laughing]

[upbeat music]

Oh, see, there's Debs.

I knew she was here.

Debs!

There she is.

Hey, Debbie?

W-would you come in here, please?

Why?

It's fine.

We're all set here.

Um...

[both laughing]

[Kelly]

No, you bitch!

If you can just wait a moment...

She...

she was just outside, and, see, this is her daughter here, Francis.

Oh, Phillip, good.

This is, um...

[Peter]

Peter.

Uh, he's here for the house check.

Oh, hey, hey.

Peter, how's it going, man?

I'm Phillip.

It's...

it's very nice to meet you, sir.

Um...

I wasn't expecting you here so soon.

Unannounced.

Right, um...

Well, I'm here now, so, uh, how about I take over and I'll...

I'll give you the tour, then?

Miss Gallagher already showed me around.

[Lip]

She did.

Okay.

Um, hey, hey, I'm sure you're, uh, a really busy guy, but, you know, maybe just give me a couple minutes.

I can show you around.

You know, explain a couple things.

I got two more appointments today.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[quietly]

Look, just come back in a couple hours, all right?

Please, I-I just got her a comforter.

All right?

I-I got her a bunk bed coming.

Sorry.

I'm done here.

[rustic music]

♪♪♪ Ahoy, mateys.

Break's over.

Come on.

Hey, yo, can I ask you guys something real quick?

- Sure.

- Yeah.

What do you think this picture's of?

[KJ]

It's easy.

It's hot, is what it is.

Two f*cking hot lesbians being f*cking hot.

- Yeah, lesbian p*rn.

- My d*ck's hard.

Yo, that's my sister and my girlfriend.

- No way.

- f*ck you.

Which one's your sister?

[KJ]

Uh, she's macking on your girl, huh?

[jaunty synth music]

[whispering]

Hey, hey.

Why the hell'd you let DCFS in here?

I'm sorry.

I had no idea who that guy was.

I-I didn't...

Who the f*ck did you think that was?

He's wearing a tie and he's got a f*cking clipboard.

I was asleep!

I'm not a f*cking mind reader.

[Fiona]

Why didn't you tell me they were coming?

- Why didn't I tell you?

- Yes.

Maybe if I'd known DCFS was dropping by...

Jesus Christ.

Do you have any idea how much you f*cked this up for me?

This is not my fault.

- I did not invite DCFS here.

- Hey, hey, shh.

I did not leave a...

a furnace in the house...

- Hey, hey, hey!

- ...Or kids in a Pack 'n Play, or an open hole in the f*cking floor.

No, but you sure as sh*t didn't help, Fiona.

The old Fiona would've handled this, would've spun sh*t, would've covered for me.

What was I supposed to do, huh?

Bake him a f*cking cake?

No, but I expected you to not be drunk in the middle of the day.

How about that, huh?

[laughs]

[Fiona]

Maybe I'm tired of playing Susie f*cking Sunshine all the time, huh?

Think of that?

'Cause if I want to be drunk in the middle of the f*cking day, that is my f*cking business.

We are very lucky to have Camilla back with us today...

Why can't we watch the game?

This sucks.

Where's Kevin?

Kev had a vasectomy today.

- Ooh.

- Poor bastard.

Worst day of my life.

I know, but it was time, with Santiago, and, of course, me telling him it was time.

They warn him about the pooling?

- You had blood pooling, too?

- Ah.

They had to drain me like a pig down there.

You have to be nice to the old boy, V.

He's going through some serious t*rture - down there.

- [phone rings]

Alibi.

The who?

Reschedule what?

What do you mean, he didn't have it?

He's at home right now, recovering.

He said his pain level's a te...

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, everybody go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody, everybody get up ♪

♪ Get up, get up, get up ♪

♪ Get up and get down ♪

♪ Everybody get up, get up, get up, get up ♪

♪ Get up, get up and get down ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Get up, go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Get up ♪

♪♪♪

[clears throat]

[phone line ringing]

[recording]

Hey, it's Tami.

Leave a message.

[tone]

Hey, Tami, um, it's me.

Uh...

Look, I'm...

I'm sure you're...

You're probably getting off work soon.

Uh, I'm about to hit a meeting, um, you know, 'cause I, uh...

I need a meeting.

Uh...

Actually, I had a...

A pretty shitty day, to be honest.

Oh...

Yeah, just call me back, all right?

Thanks.

[TV playing]

[laughter]

Hello, I'm home.

Hey.

Hey!

- [Kelly]

Hey, Carl, we're in here.

- [Debbie]

We're in the kitchen!

We got muffins, y'all!

Muffins!

Muffins!

Muffins!

- [laughs]

- [Debbie]

The best.

Carl, your sister is so f*cking funny.

What's so funny?

Oh, it's an inside joke.

You wouldn't get it.

It's a muffin commercial.

[Debbie]

You know the fat guy from the muffin commercial?

"We got muffins, y'all!"

[both laughing]

Stop.

[both laugh]

Oh, I'm gonna run up and get dressed.

D, can I borrow something to wear?

[Debbie]

Of course, girl.

Take whatever.

[Debbie]

Do you want to split another with me, or you want your own when you're back?

Split with you.

Be right back, fry guy.

I'm so proud of you.

The f*ck you think you're doing?

Putting peanut butter on a Ritz.

No, with Kelly.

Why you trying to get with her?

- What?

- Stop fronting.

I'm not fronting.

Her and I just get along good.

Aren't I supposed to get along well with my brother's girlfriend if she's awesome?

No, she's my awesome, not your awesome.

She's not a lesbian, dumb-ass.

Exactly.

She's not gay.

Although she is the kind of girl who could come out later in life.

I'm not getting total gay vibes, but it's inconclusive, so...

I'd say yeah, she'll probably eventually end up gay.

Just knock it off.

I mean it.

There's nothing going on between me and your girlfriend.

Keep your blouse on, Carl.

You guys know where, uh, Lip went?

[Debbie]

No.

Well, he's not answering his phone.

I gotta find him.

Hey, Xan, do you know where Lip might be?

Maybe the shop?

All right, thanks.

- Hey, Mikey.

- Yeah, Frank?

No matter what the final challenge is, buddy, I-I just want you to know you've been a pleasure to work with.

- [train rumbling]

- You're a hobo from another mother.

Thanks for that.

Thank you, Frank.

Couldn't have said that better myself.

All right, let's get started!

[cheers and applause]

From hundreds of hopefuls to dozens of competitors, to eight finalists to six valiant losers...

[crowd booing]

...And finally, finally, to two final hobos.

[Dax]

We've come to the last round, where Frank and Mikey will compete mano y mano, but the question is, who will wear the Hobo Loco crown?

[cheers and applause]

- Hold on.

- That'll be me.

[crowd chanting "Frank" and "Mikey"]

[train horn blows]

Was that a train?

Oh, man, I hate trains.

[Dax]

That's right!

When you think of the classic American hobo, what is he doing?

Jumping on a moving train!

[crowd oohs, cheers]

[Dax]

The train will barrel down on Frank and Mikey and you two will run like hell to hop on.

The hobo who is in the car when the train crosses the finish line is our winner, but first, four sh*ts each!

Loco up!

[crowd cheering]

You came!

My baby.

Oh, God.

Frank, something's wrong.

I'm in pain.

What do you mean?

I'm cramping and I'm spotting and there's a lot of blood.

I think I'm having between one and six miscarriages.

Right now?

Oh, God.

- Uh...

- Yeah, look, I-I need you to come home.

Care for me.

Frank.

Okay.

Here's the plan.

You pop a squat right here for just a few minutes.

- I will...

- Pop a squat?

Or...

or sit on those very comfortable benches, and I will be back momentarily.

This'll take three, maybe five minutes.

I am miscarrying.

Will you come with me, or will you stay?

Frank, four sh*ts, or you're disqualified.

Come with me, Frank.

Come.

I'm coming!

I will be back.

I love you.

I'm gonna win this.

[Frank]

I'll be back.

[Dax]

There he goes.

There he goes.

[Dax]

Okay!

Whoo!

[Ryan]

Oh, like nothing!

[crowd clamors]

[crowd cheers]

Hello?

Hey.

We, uh...

we shut down at : .

Closing up here.

Can I help you?

Hi.

Um...

I'm looking for my brother, Lip.

- Is he here?

- You're Lip's sister?

- Yeah.

- No way.

I'm Jason.

- Hi.

- Your brother's a great guy.

Yeah, he is.

He's not here, though.

Nobody here but me.

You want me to text him and tell him...

No, no.

I think he's avoiding me 'cause I f*cked something up for him.

I owe him an apology.

Apparently, I owe everyone an apology.

Well, you can talk to me about it.

You know, if you want to.

[sighs]

[laughs]

sh*t is going down, Jason...

God...

In my life.

[Fiona sighs]

I'm broke...

...back home, and my boyfriend's married.

I got fired from the place that I managed.

Probably heard all that before, right?

Lip comes in whining about me.

[Jason]

He doesn't, no.

Liar.

[chuckles]

I went to jail, too.

Yeah.

as*ault charges.

Punched a r*cist.

Court date coming up.

And I sold dr*gs today.

[laughs]

That was fun.

[somber guitar music]

And I'm just in a really f*cked-up place.

♪♪♪

You ever been in a f*cked-up place?

♪♪♪

Yeah.

Hmm.

See?

You know what I'm talking about.

♪♪♪

So many motorcycles in here.

No one get tired of looking at them?

♪♪♪

You mind?

♪♪♪

Oh, yeah, sure.

Go.

f*ck.

Sorry.

That's so rude.

Yeah.

Go get yourself a cup.

♪♪♪

[Fiona]

I taught myself to ride a bike, by the way.

The kind you pedal.

I taught Lip, too.

He doesn't remember that now.

[Fiona, distantly]

I taught him...

And I taught Debbie and Carl and Ian and Liam.

♪♪♪

[door closes]

Hey.

It's not bad.

Lip.

Hey.

Hey.

I-I've been texting and...

and calling all day.

[Tami]

Uh, now is not a great time.

Look, is this about Xan?

And what, you...

You just don't show up, or...

Okay, slow your roll, all right?

Uh, you guys go ahead.

- I'll catch up.

- Okay.

I've had a really shitty day, all right?

DCFS showed up unannounced.

Fiona answered the door f*cking drunk.

I mean...

What is this?

Why...

why are you sending me to voice mail?

This isn't about you.

So what, you're just pissed, then, that I'm trying to foster Xan?

I mean, is it so crazy that...

that I'd want to make someone's life any better?

Okay, I'm pregnant.

[soft guitar music]

I realized it this morning in the shower.

I'm late.

So I left your house, I got a test, and I saw the...

...biggest, bluest plus sign I've ever seen, and so I went back to CVS, got another test.

Positive.

♪♪♪

You sure it's mine?

Yeah, I'm sure it's yours.

I make Boone wear a condom.

He's been in the Philippines.

I double-bag that sh*t.

What are you gonna do?

We.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Um...

[cell phone buzzes]

♪♪♪

[cell phone chimes]

sh*t.

My Uber's here.

I gotta go.

Hey, hey.

No, no, we...

we have to talk about this, right?

♪♪♪

[cell phone buzzes]

Well, can I...

Can I call you later?

Yeah, uh, if you want to call me, that's cool, but if you don't...

I gotta go.

♪♪♪

Hey.

♪♪♪

[cell phone vibrates]

♪♪♪

Hey, man, I'm...

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Can I call you back?

W-w-what happened?

That train is coming in fast, and we're supposed to run and jump on that thing?

One man's...

fast is another man's slow.

Maybe we should go in on it together, though, like compadres.

First one up helps the other.

We split the money.

You're just saying that because you're in worse shape than my liver.

No, Frank, I genuinely like you!

You're my best friend!

There's no "we" in "win," O'Shea.

It's time.

[dramatic rock music]

♪♪♪

Go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

[crowd cheering]

Yo, Frank, wait for me!

Man!

That's it?

That's all you've go...

♪♪♪

[crowd exclaims]

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah...

no!

♪♪♪

Not without me, Frank, you m*therf*cker!

[crowd cheering]

Get off of me!

Jesus.

I wanna win!

- Frank!

- Jesus.

[horn blares]

[Dax]

Oh, no.

That's the finish line, and neither hobo reached the train.

Okay.

[Mikey O.]

Okay.

Thank you, Frank.

Thank you.

[Mikey O.]

Oh, what the f*ck?

Great job, kids.

Oh, boy, that was some event.

I'll just take this right off your hands.

Actually there's...

There's been a development, Frank, if you could just...

Just hold.

Hold?

I'll just hold this big fat check I just won.

[Dax]

In the event that no one wins the final event, the hobo with the largest social media following wins.

- [gasps]

Gloria!

- Gloria!

Congratulations!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

She posed topless with fans.

You...

you can't compete with...

with titties.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Hobo Loco Man is...

[both]

Gloria!

[cheers and applause]

[melancholy music]

♪♪♪

f*ck.

♪♪♪

♪ Powder junkie, spider monkey ♪

♪ Swim in the sea ♪

♪ Crushed like a grape under possibility ♪

♪ You're so fresh with your pale dark bliss ♪

♪ Those blackjack eyes and tambourine hips ♪

♪♪♪

Hey, what's all this?

Movie night.

Say what?

Taking a popcorn break.

Hey.

I was thinking, you know, maybe you and I could go spend some time upstairs.

Already?

It's...

it's early.

I was thinking, you know, maybe you and I could just hang out.

I'm fresh out of the shower.

Want some butter, Kell?

Does the pope wear a funny hat?

- Uh-huh.

- [both laugh]

W-why don't you watch the movie with us?

We're watching Showgirls.

You're watching Showgirls?

Yeah.

She's never seen it before.

The old brunette is being such a good mentor to the young blonde one.

- I know.

- Okay.

Kell, I'ma head upstairs right now.

I'd really like if you came with me.

No way.

She needs to see how it ends.

I know how it ends.

[running footsteps]

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Hey.

You all right?

You all right?

I'm so sorry, man.

I f*cked up.

Don't be sorry.

It's okay.

All right?

We all slip.

Not like this, man.

days I just flushed down the drain.

Just like I did one time.

Right?

Brad f*cked up, too.

We all have, a'ight?

It's not important.

Okay?

What's important is that you get back up again.

I don't even remember what happened.

It just took over me.

Your sister had vodka, and all of a sudden, I'm drinking it.

Next thing I know, I'm calling my guy and sh**ting up.

You said my sister.

Fiona came by the shop looking for you.

Wasn't her fault, man.

It was mine.

I asked her for it.

[somber music]

♪♪♪

Fiona gave you vodka?

It's on me.

It's not on her, a'ight?

I'm a f*cking piece of sh*t waste of space.

Hey, hey, hey.

No.

You're a good guy, a'ight?

You're good.

- You are good.

- No.

♪♪♪

I'm so sorry.

♪♪♪

It's all right.

I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

That's okay.

That's okay.

It's all right.

♪♪♪

All right, girls, go upstairs and play.

Daddy had a major surgery and we need to give him some time to rest.

Yeah, I'm sorry, girls.

I'm a little out of commission.

I just got to get my strength back, though.

I love you!

How you doing, babe?

What's your pain level?

Oh...

- .

- Oh, my goodness!

You're so brave.

Thank you.

Is that the stuff to make my hot wings?

Yes, that is the stuff to make your homemade hot wings.

Gonna take me about two or three hours.

It's a long time of being on your feet after a full day of work, but...

Mmm, that sounds amazing.

Thank you.

I should probably look at it.

What?

The wound.

Make sure it's not getting infected.

You know, it's no need to, because...

[moans]

I already checked it earlier.

Um, it's...

it's fine.

It's all good.

Checked the stitches.

I can tell.

You gotta be safe.

Don't be shy.

I know I've been having nachos all day, so...

...I got a lot of gas going on down there.

You don't want anything.

- Don't be nervous, Kev...

- [squeals]

...Unless there's something you're not telling me.

Agh!

Okay, okay, okay, fine!

I didn't get a vasectomy.

I pretended to while taking Vicodin all day, and I was masturbating, and I learned to do one of the dances on Fortnite.

I'm the devil himself.

I'll reschedule the vasectomy right now.

- Ow.

- You're damn right you will.

f*ck!

God.

[groans]

You're still making the wings, though, right?

Oh, hey, wait a minute.

You're leaving?

Well, of course I'm leaving.

What did you think would happen?

It was a test, you idiot, and you failed.

A test?

Yeah.

I didn't miscarry.

I was testing you to see if you gave a sh*t, and you don't.

So now you're going off with this clown because I failed a non-test I didn't know I took?

Hello, Frank.

Nice to see you.

Uh, what about the babies?

I'm gonna reduce to two.

Randy's gonna make bread full-time.

I love you and the six G's.

I know there's some truth to that, Frank, but medication or not, you're just not good for me.

Look, the point is there's always gonna be someone you love more than me and the kids.

[Randy]

She means alcohol, Frank, because you're an alcoholic.

Thank you.

I got...

I got that.

I need you to sign this.

Says you'll never come forward to claim any paternity rights.

Please.

Usually, there's some...

...exchange of funds when rights are signed away.

[rock music]

How's K for your trouble?

I'd be a lot less trouble for K.

Good-bye, Frank.

Ingrid, sugar, - su...

sweetheart.

- No, no, no.

Good-bye.

W-w...

honey, Ingy, listen to me.

[Randy]

That's two Ls in "Gallagher"?

Make it out to cash.

[rock music]

[woman]

Now for breaking news, we go live to the scene of a drive-by sh**ting...

[door slams]

Hey, campers.

What are we watching?

We were watching Showgirls, but it's over.

Yep, show's over.

Time for bed, Kell.

- Come on.

- [Fiona]

I missed Showgirls?

Gah.

[laughs]

When she slips on the marbles...

Oh, my God, that's good.

Ooh, candy corn.

Where did we get that?

Dollar store.

Off-season aisle.

Oh, I'ma eat the f*ck out of this.

Hey, did Carl tell you about the time that he shoved of these f*ckers up his nose?

- [gasps]

- Come on, we don't need

- to be talking about it.

- So gross.?

He bio-engineered that sh*t right up there.

[laughter]

- What's up, bro?

- [laughs]

With a f*cking spoon trying to get it out.

[laughs]

A hundred days he was sober, Fiona.

Who?

Jason.

[melancholy music]

My sponsee.

Who?

Jason from the shop.

I'm his sponsor.

You just got my sponsee f*cking drunk.

He didn't say he was your...

A hundred days, he was sober!

♪♪♪

And that's sad.

I'm sorry for him.

♪♪♪

But it's not my fault.

I didn't know.

No, nothing's your fault anymore, huh?

You weren't there.

You don't know.

I know someone waved vodka in his face.

I know when he left you, he called his dealer and he sh*t up heroin.

♪♪♪

Oh.

[sighs]

♪♪♪

I'm sorry.

Look, I didn't know.

♪♪♪

No, you didn't care enough to know.

♪♪♪

Listen to me.

♪♪♪

I want you out of this f*cking house.

♪♪♪

What'd I miss?

Uh...

Ooh, candy corn.

♪♪♪