12x16 - The D & D Vortex

[bunniefuu]

All right, Professor Proton fans, get ready to meet Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, a pair of real-life scientists who may win the Nobel Prize.

That's like the Kids' Choice Award, but with more science and less slime.

Hi, thanks for having us.

Kids' Choice Award?

Why would they let kids choose anything?

They're basically human larvae.

Well, they are kind of our target audience.

Greetings, children.

Toys, am I right?

He is.

He has hundreds of them.

So you two have discovered something that a lot of people are really excited about.

(chuckles)

We have.

Now, before you explain it, keep in mind that our average viewer is this many.

Okay, imagine you're looking in a mirror.

The image you see looks just like you.

That's called symmetrical.

Now imagine you have a billion mirrors, and each of them reflects one thing about you correctly and a billion things about you incorrectly.

And imagine the set of incorrect things are floating in an abstract n-dimensional hyperspace.

Now imagine there was never a mirror to begin with.

Oh, was that a doorbell?

I didn't hear anything.

(doorbell rings)

Huh, there it is again.

Sheldon, why don't you answer it?

But I don't know who it is.

Maybe it's a special guest who I invited just to surprise you.

Why don't you open it up and find out.

This is a terrible message to send to children.

Children, you never open the door if you don't know who's on the other side.

You always make your mommy or daddy do it while you hide under the bed and try to imagine what your superhero name will be when you avenge their deaths.

I'll get it.

But it can't be The Silver Shadow-- that's mine.

Hello.

Captain on the bridge!

Captain on the bridge!

You're William Shatner.

You can call me Bill.

Ooh, can I call you Captain?

No.

Please?

No.

(whispers): Please?

Sure.

And w-will you call me Science Officer Cooper?

This has got to stop.

I think you know how to make it stop.

Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.

Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.

(Sheldon vomits)

Oh, poor Shatner.

Poor Shatner?

I have to eat lunch now.

Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should...

Make fun of him?

(chuckles)

A lot.

Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?

Yeah.

Okay, just so we're all on the same page.

Yeah.

- Hello.

OTHERS: Hey.

So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?

(chuckles)

Very funny, get it all out.

Like you did on William Shatner?

Raj, do you have something to add?

You brought shame upon yourself and your family.

It's not funny, but it's true.

I will admit the meeting did not go the way I wanted.

(à la Shatner): Because you barfed where no man has barfed before?

Well, the next time I meet him, it will go better.

Next time?

What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?

Wil will give me another chance.

He thinks the world of me.

Aw.

One of the reasons I love you is you actually believe that.

Thank you.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪

♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

Wil Wheaton.

Wil Wheaton.

Wil Wheaton.

(doorbell rings)

Wil Wheaton.

(doorbell rings)

Wil Wheaton.

(doorbell rings)

Wil Wheaton.

Now's not a good time, Sheldon.

For what?

You.

I need to apologize.

Apology accepted.

MAN: Wil, come on, I cast fireball, you need to roll your dexterity save.

I'll be right there.

Are you playing Dungeons & Dragons?

- No.

MAN : Would you hurry up, man, the map says this dungeon's full of dragons.

Still no.

Who are you playing with?

Ugh...

it's just some friends, you don't know them.

SHATNER: Wheaton, get back here.

Hobgoblins are at the gate, and you're at the door buying Girl Scout Cookies.

Is that William Shat...?

Nope.

Hey, you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?

- Nope.

- No.

- Certainly not.

You don't even know what it's about.

Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?

That's so much better than what I had.

Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.

I'd read that.

Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.

How do you know?

Who was there?

Why are you damp?

I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.

Oh, that means they must be really famous.

I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner.

I wonder who else is playing.

I-I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.

Yes.

Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole Next Gen cast...

So this is the rest of our night, huh?

Oh, no, this is the rest of our lives.

And Josh Brolin gets you to every Avenger.

Kevin Smith's in this article about celebrities who play D&D.

Oh!

A-And he was on Wil's podcast, so they know each other.

G-Go on his Instagram, see if you can find anything.

Yeah, he-he posted something an hour ago: "#GameNight." That looks like Wil's house.

William Shatner, Kevin Smith-- who else could be there?

Do you see what I see over his shoulder?

Is that a ghost?

I think it's Stuart.

That is Stuart.

What-What's he doing there?

Maybe he d*ed in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own m*rder.

Why would Wil invite Stuart and not us?

I know the answer.

Yeah.

We all know the answer.

Hey, guys.

You're home late.

Uh, yeah.

I had a crazy night.

I went to the pharmacy.

I like to be there when the new decongestants drop.

Cut the crap.

We know where you were.

We know what you were doing.

Yeah, I just told you.

I was at CVS breathing my ass off.

Oh, you were breathing, all right.

You were breathing the rarefied air of celebrities.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Then why are you trembling?

I'm always trembling.

We know you were at Wil's D&D game.

We saw you on Instagram.

We just want to know how you got invited.

I can't talk about it or they won't invite me back next week.

So there's another game next week.

I didn't mean to say that.

Who's in it?

I can't tell you!

How do we get invited?

I don't know!

How many hit dice are they playing the wereboar as having?

d + -- I mean, I don't know!

(phone ringing)

Hey, Stuart.

I don't want to play anymore.

It's too much pressure.

Why, what happened?

I've-I've said too much.

You haven't said anything.

Not to you, to them.

Who's them?

Ah!

Now I have said too much!

But y-you blocked your number, right?

Relax, this is not my first creepy phone call.

It's like riding a bike...

slowly past a girl's house.

WHEATON (over phone): Hello.

(imitating Shatner): Wil, Bill Shatner here.

Is this Howard?

Of course not.

It-It's Shatner.

If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, Christopher Walken.

(imitating Walken): Hello, Bill and I are just hanging out...

at The Polo Lounge.

Mr.

Shatner, Mr.

Walken, here are your martinis.

(glass dings)

(whispering in normal voice): What are you doing?

I'm filling out the world.

You're ruining it.

No, he's not.

Thanks, Wil.

Sheldon, why are you walking everywhere?

Just get a horse.

I had a horse.

It got hit by a train.

Get another one.

I can't just replace Chauncey.

I'm still in the grieving process.

(phone ringing)

Hey.

Hey, Leonard, I have an opening in my D&D game next week, and I was wondering if you were interested in playing.

Well, yes, thank you.

Okay, great.

Now, here's the thing, you can't tell anyone.

I'm serious, not Howard, not Raj, and certainly not Sheldon.

Okay.

I'm really sorry to put you in a position where you have to lie to your friends...

See you there!

You come face to face with a massive monster with a gaping maw full of teeth, three huge legs, and flailing tentacles.

What do you do?

Fellas, it looks like we're facing a, an otyugh.

Here's the plan...

Hold on there, Bill.

Now what, Kareem?

How do we know it's not a Neo-otyugh?

Same way I know the difference between an owlbear and a bugbear.

Does that answer your question?

No.

Look, there's one way to settle this: we chop it up and look at the pieces.

Oh, come on, why do you always got to att*ck everything?

Why can't we just try talking to it?

Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.

What do you think, Leonard?

I think this is the greatest day of my entire life.

It's all right, buddy, one day you'll meet a girl.

Hey, how was your lecture?

Oh, it was so good.

I-I-I mean, it-it started great, and then the, the middle was great, and then the ending was like...

(imitates expl*si*n)

So great.

Leonard, if you went to House of Pies again, just say it.

(stammers)

Wait, if you think I'm lying, why do you think I'm eating pies?

Why don't you think I'm...

having an affair?

Listen, i-it's fine, just next time, bring me a slice.

Okay, well, if you really want to know, I'll tell you where I was.

I was at Wil's D&D game, but that's all I can say.

Oh, fun.

Were there famous people there?

Ah, sorry, I-I-I can't tell you that.

Okay, well, yes, but I-I-I-I can't tell you who.

Well, no, I-I can tell you Shatner, but that's only because you already knew that one.

Well, I'm glad you had fun.

Yeah.

Ugh, I wish I could tell you who else was there.

(chuckles)

I can't, I promised.

Yeah, if it makes you feel better, I couldn't care less.

That's true, you don't care, so there's no harm in telling you.

Okay, you really don't have to.

All right, I'll tell you.

Uh...

(stammers)

Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.

Wait-wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar.

How do you know him?

How do you not know him?

Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.

Wow.

That is so cool.

Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy that played the werewolf on-on True Blood, he was there.

Wh-- Joe Manganiello?

Uh, yeah.

From Magic Mike? What's that?

Okay, okay, did he look... like this?

He had his clothes on, but, yeah.

(sighs)

I can't believe you met Joe Manganiello.

Is he nice?

Oh, he's so nice.

I-I-I rolled my dice underneath the couch, and he just lifted it up, one hand.

Oh, I-I bet he did.

Hi.

Okay, can you guys keep a secret?

Yeah.

Sure.

Good, 'cause I can't.

Leonard played Dungeons & Dragons with the hot guy from Magic Mike. I never got to see that movie.

Seriously?

Yeah, Howie made us leave as soon as he realized it wasn't about magic.

Well, I have seen that movie one or seven times, and trust me, it is magic.

- Which guy?

- That one.

Abracadabra.

Hey, you know what was fun?

That time we played Dungeons & Dragons.

That was fun.

We should play that more.

Sorry, what now?

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Oh, I, uh, think Sheldon might have left something.

Oh, you mean, besides his lunch?

(laughter)

You are so funny, Wil.

We were just talking about how funny you are.

Yeah, Leonard told you, didn't he?

- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

- Yup.

- Yeah.

It's Manganiello?

- Uh-huh.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

Feel good about yourselves?

- Nope.

- No.

- Yeah.

Oh, we're going with no?

No.

Hey, guys.

What are you smiling about?

What?

This is my regular face.

No, it's not.

Y-Your regular face is more like this...

No, no, i-it's-it's more in the eyebrows, like this...

(chuckles)

Okay, make your jokes.

I'm still in a great mood.

(phone ringing)

Hey.

Wait, what?

Why?

Oh, come on, but...

O-Okay, fine.

Huh, Raj was right, it is more in the eyebrows.

What was that all about?

Wil kicked me out of his D&D game.

You were in Wil's D&D game?

With William Shatner?

And you didn't tell us?

I'm sorry, Wil made me promise not to.

I thought we were friends.

Oh, come on, you guys would do the same thing.

No, we wouldn't!

I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.

It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.

Well, that's her fault, not mine!

It doesn't matter because Penny blabbed about it and now I'm out.

So there's an open seat.

Wil!

Wil Wheaton!

Open!

Open!

No.

No.

No.

Hell no.

Look, we know Leonard is out.

You need to fill a seat.

It should be one of us.

Or give me another chance.

I think me and Joe Manganiello were really hitting it off.

Joe Manganiello was there?

From Magic Mike? You guys suck.

Agreed.

You guys suck.

Let's go, Wil.

No.

All of you.

You're just trying to use me to get close to my famous friends.

Do you know how that makes me feel?

Flattered?

(chuckles)

Used.

I was gonna guess that.

One of the worst things about being a celebrity is you never know if people like you for you.

Well, thanks for letting me know.

(sighs)

You're right, that was really crappy of us.

Yeah, I guess we just got caught up in the excitement.

We're sorry, Wil.

We do like you for you.

And if it makes you feel any better, I don't even really consider you a celebrity.

Should we go or do you want to wait for the sprinklers?

Guys, I-I still feel a little bad about Wil.

Me, too.

Yeah.

We should invite him to come play with us.

Ask him to bring some chips because we're all out.

(stammers)

Hey, Wil, this is Leonard.

(gasps)

Make it Bugles.

No, no, no, no, no, pretzel sticks.

No, no, no, Bugles.

We're gonna play some D&D and thought you might want to join us.

Thank you, Leonard, but actually I can't do it tonight.

Uh, how about another time?

Okay, great.

Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, where were we?

I was about to go all Wrath of Khan on the ogres.

Oh, man, that's it.

Put another dollar in the Star Trek jar, Bill.

Worth it.

Speaking of putting dollars in things...

I loved you in Magic Mike. (chuckles)

Thanks.

(chuckles)

Switch places with me.

Are we playing musical chairs or Dungeons & Dragons?

Yeah, let's teach that ogre what my broadsword tastes like.

I like your moxie.

Aw, and I like your grandpa words.

My dad and I watched you win back-to-back championships.

And I watched you sniff Joe's hair when he wasn't looking.

Thank you again for inviting us, and don't worry, we won't tell the guys.

You know what, why don't you tell the guys?

In fact, let's all take a picture and send it to them right now.

(phones buzzing)

That's weird.

We deserve that.