04x12 - Singles Week

[bunniefuu]

(Birds chirp)

Moira: Alexis?

Alexis, Alexis!

I just overheard three women with smokers' coughs talking about "Sex in the City".

The singles have arrived!

Why are you not wearing your t-shirt?

Darling, Mommy's delivering the keynote address.

There's going to be press and photographers there, I think it would be a tad declasse for the Chair of the event to be wearing a Volunteers t-shirt.

Mkay, I'm Co-Chair, and I'm wearing my t-shirt.

Well, love is definitely in the air!

- Motel at max capace all week long.

- Mm hmm.

I appreciate everything you do, Alexis, but I think it's best I carry the baton over the goal line.

- (Alexis scoffs)

- What's going on here?

Mom's basically trying to cut me out of Singles Week.

I am not cutting her out, John.

I'm merely trying to ensure an unruffled launch.

Do you remember the last time you and I chaired an event?

The Teenage Rosacea Ball at the St.

Regis?

That was 15 years ago!

Well, that was a different time, Moira.

Alexis has been working on herself.

Yes, Alexis has been working very hard on herself.

She just closed a very important chapter of her life with Ted last week, and still she's putting everything she has into finding love for other people.

What exactly have you done?

Well I'll tell you what I'm about to do.

I'm about to swing by Jocelyn's and get the locks and keys for this morning's event.

You still haven't picked up the locks and keys?

(Door closes)

- Ugh!

Yes, what?

Um, I just walked past three very raspy-voiced Miranda's outside, - so I think the singles are here.

- Ooh!

Johnny: Okay, with the 50% premium charge for Singles Week, I think we might be able to afford some of the bigger improvements we've been talking about.

(Phone rings)

Ooh, sorry guys.

- Roland?

- Roland's phone.

- Hey, Bob.

- Roland, hang up.

Yeah, uh, Johnny's tellin' me I gotta hang up.

Yes, they're both here, staring at me.

Johnny has that upset look on his face.

Yeah.

(Laughs)

That's the perfect way to describe it, Bob.

- Mr.

Rose.

- Okay.

(Mumbling)

Okay, I'm gonna put this on silent for the rest of the meeting, okay?

Do you know how to do that, Stevie?

Roland, with all that we have going on this week, we'll need your full attention.

Oh, relax, Johnny.

I'm here for ya.

Whadda ya need?

Um, maybe you could head out to Elmdale and go to the hardware store, and knock the first three things off this list.

That's no problem.

Sure.

And anything else you want, just let me know.

How 'bout a car wash?

Or maybe a brow trim for Johnny?

(Laughs)

- Just the things on the list.

- Okay.

Don't worry about it.

I won't let ya guys down.

(Door opens and closes)

(Jazz music plays, bell jingles)

Ah!

Ah!

(David grunts)

Ugh!

You been goin' to the gym, 'cause that looked effortless?

It's just a very awkwardly shaped box, but yes I have, and thank you for noticing.

So what, uh, what is this?

Um, this is a box of dog sweaters that Alexis has asked me to drop off at Ted's for the pet adoption thing for Singles Week.

So what's it doing here, then?

I was just wondering what your day was looking like?

I'm not dropping the box off for you.

Okay, I know, but it would just save me so much distress!

- Oh, are you in distress?

- Yes!

The whole situation with Alexis and Ted right now is very awkward and cringe-y.

Alexis told him she loved him.

Wow.

Well, good for her, it's it's not easy puttin' yourself out there like that.

Okay, sure.

I just think it'll be less awkward for all of us, especially considering Ted now knows that I know, that he knows, if you maybe took the box.

I'm not taking the box for you, David, I still have to unpack all of these products for Singles Week, that you bought.

Okay, then I guess I'll just, take the box and go, then.

- David?

- Yeah.

- Listen to me.

- Mm-hmm.

What you're doing is very brave.

- Mm-hmm.

- Very generous, okay?

And I don't wanna add more stress to your day, but I love you.

Okay, so so you just said that to me for the first time, knowing that it would make my day more stressful.

That's correct.

Because you know that I've never said that to anyone else, aside from my parents twice, and at a Mariah Carey concert, I know.

Yeah.

And I don't expect you to say it back to me, right now, you say it when you're ready.

Just felt right to me, in the moment.

You're my Mariah Carey.

Okay.

That compliment could bring me to tears, but I'm not gonna let it.

So I would like to thank you for all the wonderful things - that you said.

- Okay.

- Wanna get me a tea while you're out?

- Okay, I will get you a tea.

Um, would you mind just not looking at me while I take this box outta the room, 'cause I don't want you regretting any of the nice things that you just said to me?

Okay, look away, please.

Please.

- That went well.

- (Door closes)

(Low hum of patron chatter)

- (Phone rings)

- Moira: What?

- Hi, where are you?

- I'm on my way!

We've just encountered a bit of a roadblock, a hold-up, a minor issue.

Okay, you literally had one job to do.

- Jocelyn is in labor!

- Oh my god!

I know it's no one's fault.

I'm with her now, we're in the car.

Okay, so what am I supposed to do, here?

Well, has the press arrived yet?

Yes!

Everybody has arrived.

Everybody is here, just waiting.

Oh!

Don't start without me you little frippit.

You don't have the media training.

Okay, can you just like, please try to hurry up?

Because the last thing we wanna do is stand up a room full of singles.

Oh look, Jocelyn's pulling up to the hospital right now.

- Wait, Jocelyn's driving?

- Yes, Alexis!

She insisted!

- My nerves are fried!

- (Jocelyn screams)

- (Engine rumbles)

- (Jocelyn screams)

- Stevie?

- What's up?

I think we might have to call Roland and tell him to add "do not disturb" signs to his list.

Some of the singles have been requesting them.

I think that is a service that could benefit all of us.

Hmm.

(Dials number)

- (Phone buzzes)

- Is that you?

- (Phone buzzes)

- No, my phone's in my pocket.

Uh-oh.

I think that's Roland's phone.

- Oh god.

- What?

Uh, there are 17 missed calls, and 3 texts from Jocelyn.

Well, what do they say?

Roland, it's happening.

And then baby.

And then, like a whole row of baby emojis, and an expl*si*n.

Well we-we didn't do anything wrong here.

Right?

I didn't.

You're the one who put his phone on silent.

Because you didn't know how to.

Okay, well I don't think it's helpful to be pointing fingers, here, Stevie.

Besides, I think he'll probably be back soon.

We gave him a lot of errands to run.

(Bus roars by)

(Dog barks)

(David sighs)

(Dog barks)

- David!

- Ah hey!

(Laughs)

It's me.

- Good to see you, man.

- Yeah, good to see you, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Oh, good, good.

Um, so I just dropped off these, um, dog sweaters, for the pet adoption thing.

Okay, great, yeah.

It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me.

Definitely one of my pet peeves.

Yes?

I'm sorry, I just I just was expecting Alexis, so you showing up here has really thrown me off my game.

Um no, your game is tight.

Um, Alexis actually told me to drop off the sweaters.

She was swamped with the the launch for the Singles Week thing.

- She told you, didn't she?

- Yes, she told me, yeah.

It just caught me off guard, you know?

"I love you", it just I don't Mm-hmm.

Yes.

No, that is an emotional depth that is very, very out of character for her.

So, I can understand why that would be weird for you.

- Anyway, I should be - I broke up with Heather.

So I should probably stay, then, for a minute?

(Low hum of chatter)

Okay, so just to triple check, um, everyone has registered on the website?

All: Yes.

Yes.

Okay, just triple checking, because the website acts as a directory.

- And a message board, we know.

- Oh my god.

Sorry, when is this gonna start?

There is a seniors' craft fair that I have been asked to cover in Elmglen, but as a single woman who drove 20 miles to be here, I'd rather write about this.

Yes.

Yes.

Um, the event is starting right now.

- Good.

- Hmm.

Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose, and I, like all of you, am single.

(Applause)

I would just like to welcome you to the first annual Schitt's Creek Singles Week.

(Applause and cheers)

Now I know many of you are excited about the lock and key event.

(Applause and cheers)

The more I think about it, the more I feel like that game kind of sends the wrong message.

Because it makes it seem like, as soon as you find the right key, everything's just supposed to work out, right?

But life is more complicated than that.

Now, I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive, and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty, or have a beard, and be really into the woods.

Then I realized that sometimes, a special little lock can come along, that you didn't think would fit because it didn't look, or act, like the lock you thought you needed.

So instead of actually giving it a real chance, you throw it away because it was too nice.

And it liked you too much, and cared.

And now that lock has found another key, and you are so happy for it, and you just need to accept that, and find a new lock.

(Silence)

So, are we playing a game, or not?

Yes!

That is what I'm trying to say, we're just gonna play a better game um one that kinda promotes giving people a chance.

(Applause and cheers)

Apparently they took Roland's phone away from him.

I don't know!

Well who would do that to a man whose wife is just about to go into labor?

I didn't take his phone!

Well, you kinda did.

Well, in our defense, Jocelyn's a few days early.

(Truck rumbles)

Oh, hold on, Gwen, uh, Roland just pulled in, and hammer's about to drop.

(Truck rumbles)

Okay, okay, guys, I know it took a little longer than I said it would but I knocked off - Roland, - everything on the list.

- Roland, Jocelyn's in labor.

- What?

Wh-when did she, why didn't she call me?

I gotta call her.

I need my phone.

I can't Where's my phone?

I can't find my phone?

- Is this it?

- Yeah, you're a lifesaver, Johnny.

Oh, well, you can thank me later, but uh, you'd better going, to the hospital.

- (Door closes, engine starts)

- Okay.

(Bob's phone rings)

Hi, Gwen.

No, he's-he's on his way to the hospital now.

Yeah wh snake?

Is a little harsh, but he's definitely slippery, I'll give ya that.

I'm standing right here, Bob.

Anyway, I just felt like I owed it to Heather, to be honest.

So then, um, are you gonna talk to Alexis about this?

Honestly, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm willing to put myself out there again.

I mean, David, I spent two weeks in Mexico, alone, on our honeymoon, just trying to get my life back on track.

- Yeah, that sounds very dark.

- (Sighs)

You know how many off-road dirt bike tours I had to take, just to get her outta my head?

Shockingly, never been on a dirt bike.

Um But I'm sure like a lot-a lot A lot of tours, David.

(David sighs)

Okay, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion.

So, I am just going to tell you what I know.

And you can do whatever you want with that.

Okay?

I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past 6 months.

Um, I know that she's different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you.

- Or was it two mistakes?

Or more ?

- No, it was just the two.

Yeah.

Anyway, so you've been b*rned, a couple times.

Um, have we met?

I've been b*rned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow.

Um, but I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes sometimes it does work out.

And um, even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go.

Um (clears throat)

And I am telling you, that you have got it, if you want it.

Thank you, David.

Maybe this can be your thank you.

That's a dog treat?

Looks like a real treat.

What am I gonna do now?

(Siren wails)

PA: Dr.

Matheson.

Paging Dr.

Matheson.

(Ball bounces, Jocelyn breathes)

Moira, you don't have to stay, Rolie will be here any minute, and I know how much the singles event means to you.

No, no, Jocelyn, normally I wouldn't even consider leaving, but Alexis Alexis has never handled this kind of responsibility.

And I would just hate to see it all come clattering down around her.

Okay, Moira, Moira, if I may Listen, I can't speak to who Alexis was before you came here, and from what I've heard I don't really wanna dig any deeper into that, but what I can say is this.

I have watched your daughter, over the last couple of years, grow into one of the most amazing people I've ever known.

She is a hard worker, she is kind, and she is capable of so much more than people give her credit for.

Jocelyn, that is one of the most generous compliments one could receive as a mother.

We all have fears as parents, Moira, but at some point, we just have to believe in our kids.

- (Moira sighs)

- (Door slams)

Perhaps you're right.

Where?

Where is she?

There she is!

Okay, I found it!

Third time's a charm!

Rolie, you made it!

You may step down, ma'am, I thank you for your service.

Okay.

(blows kiss)

Bye.

Thank you for everything, Moira.

I will never forget this.

Oh, if the dr*gs are any good, you will.

Bye.

PA: Dr.

Matheson, call on line 2, Dr.

Matheson.

There you go.

Have fun this week!

(Jazz music plays, bell jingles)

Well, David, I gotta hand it to you.

We've already sold half of our massage oils.

It's like you're an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.

- It's a gift.

- How'd it go with Ted?

I love you.

(David holds back tears)

I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah.

Mm.

It just kind of feels like one of those perfect moments that you dream about.

Except in my dream, I'm holding a nice cup of tea.

Oh (bleep)

I'm kidding.

I don't need the tea.

No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.

(Door opens and closes)

- (Dance music plays)

- Hey, it's musical chairs.

It's a simple concept.

Ugh!

Keep moving!

People are clustering, and you don't want that!

(Music stops)

Okay guys, you know what that means, 2 minutes on the clock to chat up your next new match so make it count!

(Buzz of chatter)

- Hi.

- Oh.

So I'm guessing the press went home.

It's a shame they didn't get to see what you've pulled off!

Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actual work for rival newspapers.

Alexis, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I underestimated you.

Thank you.

Seems there's a lot more of me in you, than I give you credit for.

- Lucky me.

- Mm hmm.

(Alexis chuckles)

(Dance music plays)

I'll take it from here.

I thought you were just apologizing for underestimating me?

You can't play the game with a clipboard in your hand.

(Dance music plays)

- Go on.

(Music stops)

Hi.

Apparently I only have two minutes, so I'm gonna make this quick.

Hi.

I'm Ted, I'm newly single.

And I'd be kidding myself if I told you that I haven't wanted to do this every single day for the last two years.

Do what?

(Chairs rattle)

(Applause and cheering)

(Camera shutter snaps)

Oh!

Oh, no, no thank you.

(Applause)

(Camera shutter snaps)

(Dance music plays)

(Baby coos)

Oh, what a handsome guy.

He looks just like me.

And yet, he's handsome.

Hey, Moira, you haven't had a chance to hold the baby yet.

Oh, I'm I'm all right, thank you.

- I can see clearly from here.

- (Johnny laughs)

Should we tell her?

Moira, what you did today meant the world to us.

And we know it wasn't exactly how you planned - on spending your day.

- Aw, it was nothing.

So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt.

(Johnny chokes and clears throat)

Wow, that's the name is really something, isn't it?

And an honor I dream not of!

Do you wanna hold him, Moira?

- Oh yeah, here you go.

- No, no please.

Comin' at ya.

- Please, no.

- Here he comes.

Roland Moira Schitt.

Oh, ha ha.

Look at that, the two Moira's.

Take him, John, my hands are shaking.

No, thank you