15x19 - Silent All These Years

[bunniefuu]

When there's a poisonous snake in our path, we freeze.
When we smell smoke, we run.

When faced with danger, fear takes over, and we react,

- desperate to feel safe.
- Jo!

You left while I was in the shower.

- What, are you avoiding me?
- Yes.

Wait, not on purpose, no.

Sorry. Hi. I just...

[INHALES DEEPLY] Bailey's back to being chief tomorrow, so I have one last sh*t at her full attention about a new grant for my fellowship, and I just... I figured that you would want to sleep in.

- Yeah, but I was in the shower.
- Right.

Jo, it's me.

How long are we gonna do this?

Whatever happened with your birth mom, you can tell me.

Do you know what the funding limits are on an R or R grant?

No. Jo...

Okay, I got to figure that out before Bailey gets here.

I'm... sorry.

- It's biological... primal.
- [SIGHS]

But for someone who suffers from trauma,

it's the everyday things...

a song in a coffee shop, the smell of rubbing alcohol..

[BICYCLE BELL DINGS]

...seemingly random, common things

convincing your brain and boy you're in danger...

[DOG BARKS]

...and there is no way out.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

[DOOR CREAKS LIGHTLY]

Hi. What can I do for you?

I'm Dr. Karev.

Josephine. Jo.

- Um...
- JOSH: Mom, I can't find my shoes!

ALEXANDRA: They're in the kitchen, and they smell!

Who ate all the cereal?

Honey, there's more in the pantry. Y...

[DOG BARKING]

Well, apparently, my kids forgot that they were old enough to feed and clothe themselves today.

You have kids.

Um, listen, if you're... if you're selling magazines or... or religion, we're good on both, so...

But thank you so much.

No, no. E-Emerson Hospital.

Oh, right, okay.

Well, if you just go here, and you take Willowbrook...

- No, no, I-I was...
- ...and then you're gonna...

I was born at Emerson Hospital, and soon after, I was left at the fire station on th Street.

I think that you're the person who left me.

I think you're my mother.

[ENGINES RUMBLING]

[HORN HONKS]

You have your chemistry report?

- [CELLPHONE CLICKING]
- It's a paper, Mom.

Yeah, as long as it's done, you can call it whatever you like.

Hey, um, I'm thinking about Cal's Burgers tonight.

Celebrate your last day of sabbatical.

- [CELLPHONE BUTTONS CLICKING]
- Can't.

- I have a thing tonight.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

With who?

[SIGHS] With Kelly.

- There's a Kelly?
- Define "thing."

We're just talking, is all.

So, you can't come have burgers with us, because you're talking to Kelly.

- At a thing.
- Here's fine.

[HORN HONKS]

We're nowhere near the school. What?

It's fine.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- Bye, love you!
- Good luck with your re...report!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

It's a paper.

I know.

- Did he just put his arm around...
- He put his hand...

WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr. Pannell to Plastics.

Dr. Pannell to Plastics.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ECHOING]

[ECHOING] Oh, my God! Sorry. Sorry.

[GASPS]

Hey, you... you have a... you have, um, a...

[NORMAL VOICE]
A-A crap sense of direction and can't find my way to the ER.

It's one floor down, and then, if...

[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]

You know, why don't I take you?

You ever have just a garbage sort of day?

[SCOFFS]

More times than I can count.

This way.

[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]

[ECHOING] You'll need stitches.

I'll have a nurse bring you a blanket.

[NORMAL VOICE] I feel so stupid.

I was putting away dishes and just... smacked myself in the face with the cabinet.

Such an idiot.

[ECHOING] That cut looks pretty deep, so Dr. Qadri will have to numb it before we can clean it.

When did this happen?

[NORMAL VOICE] Last night.

I thought it would be fine, but it just keeps bleeding.

[ECHOING] Dr. Qadri and I can help with that.

I'm just gonna put a little Betadine around the area, and you're just gonna feel a little stick and a burn.

Are you hurting anywhere else?

DELUCA: Hey. Dr. Bailey's been looking for you...

- something about a grant deadline?
- Oh, okay.

Um, I'm gonna be right...

[BREATHING QUICKLY]

[HEARTBEAT PULSING]

[NORMAL VOICE]
My patient here, Abby, she... hit her face on a cabinet.

So if you could give us some room, please, so I can suture her facial lac?

And tell Dr. Bailey that I will be a while.

Thank you.

Hey, why don't you sit up, okay?

We'll sit you up. Okay.

[WHIMPERS]

Is your belly hurting?

No, it's just the cheek.

You can fix it now, right? So I can go.

Dr. Qadri, um, can you go get me some - MONOCRYL, and can we please close those?

Thank you.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[QUIETLY] Abby, it's just you and me.

You're hurt.

I am here to help.

[SHUDDERING BREATHING]

- Okay.
- [WHISPERING] Okay.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SNIFFLES]

Okay. Okay.

[INHALES SHARPLY, WHIMPERS]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

I got you, Abby.

I'm not going anywhere.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[DOOR CREAKING]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[QUIETLY] Look, I don't know what you're after, but you can't be here.

I'm not after anything.

I just want to talk.

You cannot be here.

- [DOG BARKS]
- DANIEL: Chip! [CLAPS HANDS]

Hey, Chip. Come here.

Hey, buddy. [CHUCKLES]

I'll, uh, put him out back and drop the kids at school.

- [CHIP GROANS]
- Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was just saying that we're already familiar with the Book of Mormon, so...

Ah, saw the original cast. Loved it.

Not a big fan of the book, though, so... we're all set.

[CHIP BARKS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[DOOR CLOSES]

There's a diner... a few miles up.

Weird green roof?

Ira's?

One conversation.

And you will never hear from me again.

♪

[DOOR CREAKING]

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

♪

[HORN HONKING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[LIQUID POURING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[BELL JINGLES]

[ECHOING] Just one.

[ECHOING] Oh, right this way.

[TICKING CLOCK ECHOES]

[BELL JINGLES]

[TICKING QUICKENS]

[SILVERWARE CLATTERS LIGHTLY]

[TICKING QUICKENS]

[BELL JINGLES]

[TICKING STOPS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

MAN: Can I get you a warm-up?

[CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE]

[SIGHS]

The coffee here sucks.

I've noticed.

I'm late for work. Um...

I work in the mayor's office.

Try to create jobs for under-served communities.

[DINNERWARE CLATTERING LIGHTLY]

I'm sorry. You knocked on my door.

- I don't...
- You have a house...

a really beautiful house.

Thank you...?

And kids and a husband and a dog and crown frickin' moldings.

Do you need money? If this is about money...

I don't need your damn money.

Thank you.

Look, I'm not quite sure what you expected...

In my head, you worked at a diner half as nice as this.

And you didn't graduate high school, or maybe you did but a year or two late

'cause they don't let pregnant girls finish high school.

And you scraped by somehow on... hard work and the kindness of strangers,

but you had no one.

You had nothing.

That would make it okay that I left you?

I wanted you to have a better life than I could give you...

Now, that part I heard in my head.

I think it came from a made-for-TV movie.

No, I-I-I realized it the minute it came out of my mouth, yes, um...

But it's true.

I really thought that you'd be better off...

What are their names?

- I'm sorry?
- Your kids.

My brother and sister eating cereal in your perfect kitchen.

What are their names?

Alexandra is a senior in high school,

and, uh, Josh is in th.

And your husband, the, what, the... accountant?

Lawyer.

Is he my father?

No.

No, he is nothing like... no.

No, I met my husband in grad school.

Um...

His name is Daniel.

Daniel.

That's nice.

That's really nice.

You know, I-I... I appreciate a girl with fire in her belly, but...

I didn't have a better life.

I wasn't better off.

No one found me adoring parents who were dying for a newborn of their own to love.

I lived in foster homes so bad, it was better to live in my car.

And when a man finally told me that he loved me, I believed him, even when he b*at the crap out of me so bad I couldn't see.

So whatever life you had, tell me it wasn't better than mine.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

I should go.

At least you're consistent.
[CLEARS THROAT]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Did you honestly come here to punish me?

Consider it done.

I came because I don't know anything about where I'm from, and I want to know.

[DINNERWARE CLINKING]

Um...

My, um... father's side is pure Irish.

My... My... My mother is Russian Jew and Italian.

I got all that from spitting in a tube.

My mother's parents... d*ed when she was young... heart disease and cancer.

So I'm afraid that's in the mix.

Uh, there's no history of mental illness that I'm aware...

- That's not what I'm asking.
- Then what do you want to know?

Something I can't get from spitting in a tube!

Ah.

I, um... I grew up on a farm in Kansas.

My childhood is a blur of chickens and singing songs out in the field when I should've been helping my mother.

I was spelling bee champion for four years in a row.

I love the smell of rosemary. I'm terrible at math.

Does that help?
Does that help you at all?

- Do you know who you are now?
- Forget it.

Just tell me who my father is, and I will try and find him.

You can't.

He's dead.

Geez, lady.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

You don't want to, I don't know, soften it a little?

Well, I'm sorry, but that son of a bitch who hurt me more than any other human being ever has... d*ed in a motorcycle accident years ago.

Not the way that I would've hoped.

I would've preferred that he had been eaten by fire ants or pulled apart limb from limb, but...

Wow.

You're just a monster, huh?

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Please sit down.
- Abandoning me wasn't enough, you just have to spread the pain around a little bit?

Sit down.

That's my father that you're talking about.

- No, it's not. He hurt me...
- I'm so sorry that your childhood sweetheart didn't pan out.

- So sorry.
- He hurt me.

[QUIETLY] Please sit down, okay?

Please sit down.

[CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE IN DISTANCE]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

He was a TA...

...when I was a freshman in undergrad.

He chased after me for weeks for a date.

He, um, sent me flowers and proclamations until, finally, I said yes.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I said... I said yes to that date.

I said... yes to going...to Braden's Point to watch the sunset.

And...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Then he started kissing me and touching me.

And I said no.

And I continued to say no.

And I fought him.

I fought as hard as I could, but he would not take no for an answer.

So... nine months later, I had a baby.

I had you, and then... five days later, I didn't.

[SNIFFLES]

♪

♪

[RUSTLING CLOTHES ECHO]

♪

[ECHOING] JO: Qadri, let's get her IM Toradol for the pain and keep her NPO for now.

DAHLIA: Is there someone that we can call?

Family member or a friend?

[NORMAL VOICE] My husband's in Portland on a business trip.

I don't want to... bother him.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- [GASPS]

It's okay. I called her here to help.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Why do I need another doctor?

- Can't I just keep you two?
- [DOOR CLOSES]

TEDDY: It's Abby, right? Hi.

Dr. Karev and Dr. Qadri will still be your doctors, but would it be okay if I helped?

May I do an ultrasound just to check for internal injuries?

- Okay. Great.
- All right, here we go.

Let's lie you back.

I got you.

[WHIMPERS]
- That's it, I got you.

- Okay, you're almost there.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]

- Okay.
- All right.

Okay.

Just gonna open your robe.

ABBY: [BREATHING SHAKILY]

Now a little gel.

[GEL SQUELCHING]

All right, you'll feel just a little pressure.

- There we go. Good job.
- [HEARTBEAT PULSES]

All right, Abby, you do have a tear in your diaphragm, and it's caused your abdominal organs to move up into your chest.

- [KEYBOARD CLICKS]
- You're gonna need a surgery.

Fine.

Whatever you need to do so I can go home.

All right, Dr. Karev, can I talk to you outside for a minute?

- No, no, can you stay?
- I'll just be right outside.

I won't be more than a couple minutes...

Y-You can't... You can't leave, please?

Just do the surgery, and then I can go home,

- and then it'll be over.
- All right.

We'll let them know to prep the OR.

[CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY]

Qadri, come with me. Thanks.

WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr. Yates to Pediatrics.

Dr. Yates to Pediatrics.

Book an OR, but do not let the nurses or anyone else do an antibiotic prep.

So we're not operating on her?

Abby's wounds are consistent with someone who's been sexually assaulted, and if that's true, when the nurses prep her with an antibiotic solution, evidence will be erased.

So we wait.

We wait and give Abby the chance to talk without taking more of the agency than she's already lost.

Go book the OR and come straight back.

[SIGHS SHAKILY, INHALES DEEPLY]

Okay.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey. Are you sure there isn't someone we can call?

Can we ask you how you got hurt?

Does it matter?

You said you can fix it, right?

Abby, I want you to know that you don't have to tell us anything.

We can bring a counselor down for you to talk to.

No. No more doctors.

I have enough doctors, and I don't need a shrink.

I just... need my stomach to stop hurting is all.

Okay.

How did you get that?

My neighbor's kids like to play street hockey, and I'm crap at it.

- I don't think that's true.
- Dr. Karev.

[SIGHS]

You keep looking at each other, but I'm right here, so one of you say whatever the hell it is you're trying so hard not to say.

- Abby...
- I'm worried your husband hurt you, and from the marks on your legs, possibly sexually assaulted you.

Dr. Karev, hallway. Now.

Jack would never.
He's never raised his voice.

- He's calm.
- Then someone else did...

[STRAINING] Isn't the OR ready by now?

'Cause this hurts like a...

Abby, if we take you to the OR, we have to make you sterile, so everything that happened to you, all the evidence, it all goes away.

You can still report it.

I'm not reporting anything.
There's nothing to report.

That is your choice.
It is all your choice.

But if something happened... if it did... we could gather the evidence and seal it away until you are ready to do something about it.

[VOICE BREAKING]
We all know if I do that kit...it ends up in the back of some police station, ignored for years, while I sit there wondering when the b*mb will go off, waiting to see if a jury
of my peers will believe...

[BREATHING QUICKLY]

...believe a woman who wore a skirt a few inches too short, who had a few cocktails too many at a bar last night after having a fight about laundry with her husband.

[CRYING]

And you know the tequila I drank will make it my fault, and whoever did this to me, whatever he drank... that'll be his excuse!

[CRYING, WHEEZING]

Is your kit gonna convince them I wasn't flirting at the bar?

If I give them my story and my underwear, will it prove to them... or to my husband... that I didn't cheat on him and make up some story just to save my own ass?

- [QUIETLY] Okay...
- [RESPIRATOR HISSING]

Will your kit do that?!

[HYPERVENTILATING]

O... All... All right, deep breath.

That's it.

Slow deep breath.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

My ex-husband, he hurt me.

Not in the way that you were hurt, but he hit me...he hurt me, for years.

And I was so, so terrified.

And so convinced that no one would believe me,and I was so, so alone...

I never had the chance or the choice to hold him responsible.

[WHISPERING] I can't imagine

how you are feeling right now.

I can't.

But, one day, you might feel differently.

You might want justice, and I want you to have everything you need to do that.

[RESPIRATOR HISSING]

[SNIFFLES, CRYING]

My husband... he can never know.

He won't have to.

[CRYING]

Do it.

Just do the damn kit.

Okay. Okay.

[SNIFFLES, SIGHS]

That's it. There you go.

There you go.

♪ Pull me ♪

[CRYING]

♪ Under ♪

Are you ready?

♪

You have to say it.

- It's the law.
- ♪ Feels like ♪

You say yes, we go to the next step.

You say no at any time, we stop.

♪ Thunder ♪

- Okay.
- Okay.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Yes.

♪ Here, there ♪

♪

♪ Everywhere ♪

- ♪ Ghosts hide ♪
- Are you ready?

Yes.

♪ In my head ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

♪ We fall ♪

♪ Up above ♪

♪ So long ♪

♪ As I ♪

♪ Don't sleep ♪

♪

♪ Somebody ♪

Are you ready?

Yes.

♪

♪ Save me ♪

♪

- ♪ It doesn't matter ♪
- [CLIPPERS SNIP]

Are you ready?

- ♪ What the craving is ♪
- Yes.

[WHIMPERS]

♪ Here, there ♪

♪ Everywhere ♪

♪ Ghosts hide ♪

Are you ready?

- Yes.
- ♪ In my head ♪

- Yes.
- ♪ We fall ♪

Yes.

♪ Up above ♪

♪ Don't leave me ♪

- ♪ Alone ♪
- Abby, we're done.

♪ Somebody ♪

I'm here, okay.

- [CRYING]
- I'm right here.

You're okay.

Abby, you're okay.

- ♪ Save me ♪
- [CRYING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

You never told anyone.

The police, your parents...

I convinced the few people who noticed that it was just the freshman , and I was able to dodge Christmas break by lying about... finals and work studies.

You didn't tell anyone you were pregnant?

No, no.

I mean, it... it wasn't until years after it happened that...

After I happened.

After the r*pe happened.

After I was r*ped.

I eventually found my way to therapy, and I did all the work, and I wrote in journals, and I learned all the PTSD triggers.

I-I actually had to work through calling it "r*pe" to begin with.

Because I did say yes to that date, and I did say yes to getting in that car, and...

Someone somewhere along the way... a man, most likely...

decided they wanted to qualify this word, "r*pe."

You know, date r*pe,
[SNIFFLES] a-acquaintance r*pe.

Somehow, it... it... it... it's... it's not as real unless it happens to a woman who's running through the park at night or... or walking down a dark alley.

As somehow, because I knew him, what he took from me didn't matter.

But it did matter.

I found a way to hear that.

I found a way to believe that.

And I...

I found a way to move forward.

You got therapy.

Yeah.

You moved forward.

Mm-hmm.

And you didn't once try and find me?

I was petrified.

I was petrified every single moment of my pregnancy.

I mean, it was bad enough that I had to see his face every day in class.

I was so terrified... imagining that you'd be a boy and that you'd have his face and his voice.

And every day, every kick, every movement, it just reminded me where you came from.

But, you know, movies and books and... and magazines, they just kept talking about this...love that you feel the minute your baby is born.

How instantaneous it is and how, um, your heart just cracks wide open, and...

[SNIFFLES]

And I remember, I kept telling myself that as soon as I had you in my arms that I could do that and that I would do that.

Other women did it, so why couldn't I?

So I gave the hospital a fake name.

I left with you... the day you were born.

I remember they wanted me to stay, and they wanted me to rest, but I just wanted to get out.

I just wanted to get out of there, and I just wanted...

[VOICE BREAKING] I just wanted to be alone with you, and I just wanted it to be the two of us, and...

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

...and I wanted to stare at you and hold you...

...'til that love came.

But it never did.

No, it did.

It did.

Everything they said was absolutely right.

My heart cracked wide open.

[CRYING]

It was never just us, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did.

I was just a reminder of him.

I resented you so much for it.

I spent most of my life... doubting everyone I ever met, leaving them before they could leave me.

I am a grown woman

[SIGHS]

With a job that I love and friends I love and a husband who loves me, and still...

still...

I was walking around, uh, waiting, wondering if you would ever find me.

[SNIFFLES]

If you would ever say that you're sorry.

I did the best I could.

The best you could would've been to find an adoption agency and make sure I had a home and someone to love me, not toss me away like garbage.

It is so easy to look at me now and think of all the ways that I could've been kinder, better, or smarter, but...

...I was not the person I am today.

I was not in my right mind.

I wasn't in my mind at all.

That night that... that he held me down, screaming.

That night that he had his hands around my throat until I stopped screaming, when I was hovering over my own body while he was tearing away at me, that night that he smiled and he forced me to say that I liked it, when he laughed and...

...promised that we could do it any time that I wanted to...

...that was the night that I lost my right mind.

He stole it from me, and for nine months... for nine months, I pretended I was fine.

I pretended that I wasn't a zombie, that I wasn't numb or dead inside.

And then, the day that you were born, I held you, and I looked at your face, and I...

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

...I could feel again for the first time, but...

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

...my mind...

...that took years to come back.

In fact, I'm... Part of it never did.

Of course you deserved better.

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

I didn't have better to give you.

I was seven weeks pregnant when my ex-husband cracked my ribs and threw me across the living room floor.

He didn't know that I was pregnant, and I decided in that moment that he could never know.

I couldn't... I couldn't see a way out.

Not then, at least.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

I knew that, if I tried to leave, he would k*ll me.

But I also knew that I couldn't raise a kid in that... fear, and in that danger.

You had an abortion.

I've never told anyone that.

I don't know why. I'm not ashamed of it.

I...

[SIGHS]

I did what I had to do.

[CRYING]

[VEHICLES PASSING IN DISTANCE]

[DINNERWARE CLATTERING LIGHTLY IN DISTANCE]

[SNIFFLES]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[SNIFFLES]

Do I look like him?

You have my father's eyes...but the hair is all mine.

And maybe the fire in the belly.

[VOICE BREAKING] I did the best I could, and I'm still...

I'm sorry. I'm still just doing the best I can.

[CHAIR SCRAPES LIGHTLY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪

[FOOTSTEPS DEPART]

♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

She's becoming increasingly tachypneic.

Let OR know that we're on our way.

Abby, it's time.

We have to go up now.

No. I'm not... I'm not ready. I'm...

[ECHOING] Abby, I know you're scared.

No, you're gonna... you're gonna...you're gonna take me out and knock me out where I... the last time I was out, h-he knocked me out.

[ECHOING] Abby. Abby, listen to me.

If we don't do this surgery now, it could k*ll you.

[CRYING] I can't.

I can't leave here, this room.

Everyone has his face, every man.

It's all I see.

Even when I close my eyes...

[ECHOING] Please. I can't see his face.

Please don't I... make me see his face, please.

[NORMAL VOICE] You don't have to, Abby.

- [HEARTBEAT PULSING]
- You don't have to.

[WHIMPERING]

Okay.

Tuck says they're talking.
What is that? Talking?

I think they're dating.

Mnh. Why do they do that?

Why do they insist on coming up with new words when the old words were just fine?

[CHUCKLES]

It's not funny.

Well, you... you do sound a little, you know,

"Get off my lawn!"

No.

I want him to be happy.

I want him to, you know, have the butterflies and first love and all that.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, just not so soon.

[SIGHS]

We're gonna have to sit his butt down and teach him about respect...

...empathy, consent.

Condoms... Oh, dear Lord.

I have to talk to my son about condoms.

- %.
- [SIGHS]

Or...

I could sit down with him.

It can be on you.

But my dad gave me this talk, and it worked.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES, CHIMES]

Mm, I gotta go.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

You, uh... You can't go through there.

Well, why not?

Because I've been asked to see that you don't.

Wha...

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Well, but she can go?

Yes, sir.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Dr. Karev asked us to all stand here?

Do we know why?

Just... that a patient needs us.

She needs all of us.

Okay.

[CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE]

FEMALE NURSE: Okay, ladies, we need you all to line up either on the right side or left.

Please keep this middle aisle clear.

Are you ready?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

♪ Standin' on the platform ♪

♪ Watching you go ♪

♪

Yes.

♪ It's like no other pain ♪

♪ I've ever known ♪

♪

♪ To love someone so much ♪

♪ To have no control ♪

♪

♪ You said, "I wanna see the world" ♪

♪ And I said, "Go" ♪

♪

♪ But I think I'm lost without you ♪

♪

♪ Strangers rushin' past, just tryna get home ♪

♪

♪ You were the only safehaven that I've known ♪

♪

♪ Hits me at full speed ♪

♪ Feel like I can't breathe ♪

♪ And nobody knows ♪

♪ I think I'm lost without you ♪

Ready?

♪ You ♪

♪ I just feel crushed... ♪

I'm staying right here.

♪ ...without you ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been strong for so long ♪

- [RESPIRATOR HISSING]
- ♪ That I never thought ♪

♪ How much I love you ♪

TEDDY: I've seen soldiers like this.

♪ Standin' on the platform, watching you go ♪

Young women and young men, brutalized, with no idea how to talk about it.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

What you did today with Abby, that was not protocol...

- ♪ You said, "I wanna see the world" ♪
- I know, I know, and I'm sorry.

I'm saying it should be.

♪ And I said, "Go" ♪

[MONITOR BEEPING]

TEDDY: Abby, hi.

We were able to repair your diaphragm.

We had to place in a chest tube for drainage, but that'll probably come out in a few days.

And your kit will stay here, if you decide to report it.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

You think I should do it, don't you?

That is not our call to make.

But we do think that you should talk to someone.

Doesn't have to be your husband.

But someone.

I keep going over it in my head.

If I hadn't been so distracted by my phone.

If I had just trusted my gut and not gone down that street with the broken lamplights.

Abby.

This was not your fault.

You didn't ask for this.

There is nothing you did to deserve this.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

I can't.

I just can't...

Okay, that's okay.

I'll check in on you in a little bit, all right?

Try to get some rest.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr. Felix to the ER.

Dr. Felix to the ER.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

Jack...

He's gonna look at me and see this broken person.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

If I tell him this, it's all he'll ever see.

Abby, look at me.

This doesn't define you.

And whether you tell your husband or you report it or you don't tell another soul, you're a survivor.

You survived.

I still feel nauseous when I see men in expensive shoes with the points of the toes, because that's how my ex-husband made my kidney bleed.

For years, I thought I got what I deserved, that I was responsible, that maybe, just maybe if I had said or done one thing differently...

But none of that was your fault.

No.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

It's not your fault.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[BREATHES SHARPLY]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[SNIFFLES]

Do you have a phone I can use?

Yes.

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[BREATHES SHARPLY] Will you stay?

As long as you need.

♪

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[SNIFFLES]

[CELLPHONE BUTTONS CLICKING]

♪ Slow down ♪

♪

[LINE RINGING]

♪ Try to breathe in deep ♪

- [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
- ♪ Listen ♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪ To the words I speak ♪

Any game we watch on TV... right? they...

they run, toss, wrestle, chase, until someone gets hurt.

Or until someone calls "time out."

Then the game stops.

And no matter how much fun they're having, everything stops.

♪ Calling out for help, out for help ♪

That's consent.

I thought we were just having burgers.

Yeah, well, I thought talking was just talking, but you and I both know that's not the same thing anymore,

so...

♪ Waiting to save yourself from falling into deep ♪

You pay attention to the girl you're with, all right?

You... You... You need to care about her feelings, her... her joy, at... at least as much as you care about your own.

- Okay, okay.
- ♪ I won't let you down, my friend ♪

And she gets to change her mind. At any time.

I mean, if she says "stop," or if she stops having fun, you...

- you just plain stop.
- ♪ I won't let you fight alone ♪

Time out.

Game over.

I know.

♪ I won't leave you in the cold on your own ♪

Being with someone you like is...

♪ I won't let you down, my friend ♪

There's nothing like it, and I want you to be safe and happy, but that only happens if she is, too.

Okay.

Say it.

♪ Come and sit with me down ♪

Say it. [SLURPS]

♪ Pour out whatever's weighing you down ♪

If she stops having fun, just plain stop.

Time out. Game over.

Always.

Now, pass those fries and tell me what this Kelly is like.

♪ Calm down, calm down ♪

Yeah.

Too often, trauma gets dismissed

as "just in our head."

But the pain is real.

♪ Waiting to save yourself ♪

We feel it...

in our muscles, our cells,

our hearts, our heads.

♪ Stop running, stop hiding ♪

And while there's no magic fix...

♪ I won't let you down, my friend ♪

...no pill to make it disappear,

we can ask for help.

♪ I won't let you fight alone ♪

Hey, I'm officially no longer the interim chief, and officially starving.

Can I take you out to celebrate?

I've had a rough day.

I don't really feel like celebrating.

Yeah, well, we can just talk.

I just want to go home and crawl into bed.

All right, well, we can do that.

Alex, I'm tired.

Can you just go celebrate with Meredith?

Jo, it's me. You can talk to me.

What... you think with all my family crap that I'm gonna judge you?

I'm not going to judge.

Just, I just want you talk to me.

I don't want to talk about it.

Alex, I... I can't talk about it.

I just want to go home.

I want to go home alone.

I want to go home and sleep.

Please.

It wont change tell our truth.

♪ You in the cold, on your own ♪

Whenever we are ready.

♪ I wont let you down my friend ♪