07x01 - Iowa

[bunniefuu]

MALE REPORTER: (On TV)
The United States of America

has a new president: Laura Montez.

I hate this country.

To have gotten so close was devastating.

But I did reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine by the name of Selina Meyer.

And I like her!

(upbeat rock music)

- You look absolutely radiant.
- Oh, thank you.

Yes, your stay in the insane asylum,

- it's really agreed with you.
- It was a spa.

This is the second act.

Selina Meyer travels the globe spreading democracy like patient zero.

Ma'am, you can't run for president.

You don't have the party support. It's over.

Well, I was speaking hypothetically.

I want a library.

I'm the only living president who doesn't have one.

Nobody gives me any respect.

How 'bout that?

CROWD: (Chanting)
No justice, no library!

Who despises me like this?

Well, there's President Montez, Tom James, Danny...

The White House maids, the stewards.

White working-class voters.

Jonah, my boy, I've come to say farewell.

I'm pulling all my financial support.

Ow!

Let's send them a message by shoving the guy that they hate the most right back in their faces.

Thank you!

Advanced copies.

Really? My book, my book, my book.

- A Woman First: First Woman.
- Yeah.

You'd get m*rder*d in my country for saying something like that.

Remember a couple months ago after you got fired

- we had drinks with Ben?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm pregnant, it's yours.

Marjorie and I are having a baby.

RICHARD: I can't believe I'm going to be a father.

A lot of responsibility.

You just signed away all responsibility.

Say hello to little Richard.

It was President Selina Meyer who negotiated to free Tibet.

- SELINA: They finally know it's me!
- Oh my gosh!

I've been re-thinking things.

And there are some new options for me.

The options would be easier without any baggage.

I'm running for president.

The band is getting back together again.

I do need to talk to you about your role.

- To Team Meyer.
- ALL: To Team Meyer.

- Second time's the charm.
- Ah, it's actually fourth.

Fourth time's the charm.

SELINA: It's just incredible.

"New Selina."

- ALL: "Now."
- Oh, it's perfect!

I don't really get it, actually.

Ma'am, we're so far ahead in the polls and you're not even running yet.

SHEILA couldn't agree more.

Hey, Kent's dating again.

No, SHEILA is my predictive computer model

- for election results.
- SELINA: No. No.

Strategic Hypermetric Electoral Interactive Logistical Algorithm.

I don't want nuts.

I like her more than I like the deaf girl.

- Whatever happened to her?
- The police have no leads.

- GARY: Here you go, ma'am.
- I still need my speech.

- LEON: It's printing, ma'am.
- Amy, are you there?

We're all ready for you, ma'am.

Hey! Sweatpants! You can't just walk out.

This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit.

Al right, quiet, everyone. Mommy's reading.

DAN: OK, the network's been properly fluffed.

Told 'em to expect a surprise announcement without telling 'em that she's surprise-announcing.

Maybe after the announcement we can finally sit down.

There's still a lot to talk about.

We talk plenty, Amy.

No, not you, ma'am.

I was talking about the...

(whispers)

What? Jesus, I thought you sent that thing to the -Eleven dumpster in the sky already.

It's just we've been so busy with the campaign. I don't wanna...

Waitin' for the thing to get into f*cking college?!

What are you doing?!

OK, Leon, I'm still... I'm not sure about this part where I say I wanna be president for all Americans.

I mean, do I? Ya know? All of them?

- How about "real Americans"?
- Oh, yeah, that's good.

And then we can figure out

- what I mean later.
- Yeah.

Ma'am, I don't have a copy of the speech.

OK, I don't know what she's saying, so... here.

- (Amy continues)
- Ma'am, the voters need to know clearly and definitively why you want to be president.

In your own words.

If you want me to use my own g*dd*mn words,

- then write me something to say. OK?
- Yes, ma'am.

Oh, and take out the stuff about immigration 'cause I feel like it's a little too issue-y.

LEON: OK.

(music playing)

Hello, Iowa!

- I'm...
- Selina Meyer.

- Wait a minute. Where is everyone?
- Maybe they're hiding.

SELINA: Wha...

SELINA (over phone): Amy? Where are you?

At the airport. Where are you?

There's only one f*ckin' runway!

I'm at the airport! We just landed!

- That's not possible.
- Right now I'm standing here, with my d*ck in my hand, in Cedar... Falls, Iowa!

- Ma'am, we're in Cedar Rapids.
- No!

- This is supposed to be New Selina!
- Now!

If Mohamad Atta had you people booking his travel, he'd still be alive today.

Which from his perspective, would be a massive f*ck-up.

BEN: Yeah, it didn't go very well.

- SELINA: Ya think?
- DAN: Ma'am, FYI, we're tracking a school sh**ting in Spokane, Washington.

- Muslim or white guy?
- Don't know yet.

- Which is better for me?
- White guy.

Fingers crossed.

OK, guys, what happened at the airport today can never, ever happen again.

And so, as such, I have had A... OK.

I have had Amy prepare a full autopsy of the last campaign to specifically identify problem areas within the organization.

- OK? So, Amy?
- Thank you, ma'am.

I have put together a summary list of what I discovered were the most egregious

- flaws in our organization.
- I said this already.

This is what I just said.

- KENT: Yeah.
- Great.

First and foremost, there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate to take responsibility for mistakes.

What? No, you were the one that made mistakes.

What else? Go on.

Second, there was a culture of blame which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms.

What dumb assh*le said that?

Number three, an unwillingness to actually discuss strategies and share ideas with campaign staff.

- Four...
- Autopsy is now over.

Forget about it. Oh, my G...

How many pages is this, ?

How about I write pages about how you need to start wearing concealer?

- (Gary laughs)
- Ames, can I get a copy of that?

Guys, this is not going to be a repeat of my last campaign.

- I am New Selina. Exactly.
- Now.

So I'm gonna shake things up. I'm gonna hire Keith Quinn.

He's already doing oppo for Kapoor's people.

Then offer him campaign manager.

I thought I was your campaign manager.

I thought I was going to Cedar Falls.

- Cedar Rapids.
- MARJORIE: Ma'am, we have another candidate announcing for president.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say white guy.

I was reminded of another innovator by the name of Jesus Christ.

- (audience applauds)
- Thank you.

Two wheelchair guys behind him?

What, we didn't get the point with the first one?

- I got it.
- One wheelchair guy, good for you, two wheelchair guys, shame on me.

OK, Keith f*cking Quinn?
Are you kiddin' me?

I heard the last campaign that guy joined, he had the entire staff fired.

I knew she'd cut my balls off, I just thought it would be after we lost Iowa.

Well, campaign's ahead of schedule.

Ma'am, the Meyer Fund is now completely wrapped up, but there were some accounting issues that didn't resolve cleanly.

But that's Andrew's department, so just give him a call.

His cell phone number now seems to belong to a Portuguese gentleman.

LEON: Ma'am, your non-announcement this morning has given us an excellent opportunity to fix your speech.

- Why do you want to be president?
- Leon, I've got this.

It's all in my head, so just don't worry about it.

Sorry.

Why would you want to be president?

- As the child of a Native American...
- OK, I get the gist.

Is Little Richard ready to go and meet some voters?

Mom, you can't keep using our baby as a campaign prop.

It's just a few more months in Iowa, and then we're gonna hide him when we get to New Hampshire.

- (crying)
- No, no crying.

Mom, you cannot tell the baby "N-O."

"N-O" is a negative rejoinder.

We don't want to constrain Little Richard developmentally...

What are you supposed to say then when the baby is being an assh*le? For instance.

You're supposed to say, "That's not our plan."

I don't even know where to start.

Child Services is a good place.

Here. Take... Go back to Mommy # or or whatever.

Catherine is Mama, and I'm Mom-Mom.

You didn't want to go with Mommy and Agent Palmiotti?

- (Catherine, Little Richard crying)
- Catherine.

OK...

I'm sorry about that, Gam-Gam, ma'am.

Catherine's been suffering from postpartum depression.

- How can you tell?
- Well, the haircut.

It's been tough on both of us.

Particularly on our sex life.

- I've gotta get out of here.
- We still enjoy sex in the mornings, but in the evenings, hardly ever. And rarely penetrative.

- Oh, Amy?
- Amy.

- SELINA: Amy.
- Mm-hmm?

I, uh, just had to get away from "Blue is the Most Annoying Color."

CNN has the current Spokane death toll at six.

Leon! OK, I need a statement. Spokane.

- Standard thoughts and prayers?
- Bull's-eye.

- Ma'am, the speech?
- I know.

Any, why would you want to be president?

- So I can nuke America.
- GARY: Mm.

- That's actually not bad.
- Pretty good, actually.

- I love you, New Hampshire!
- (all cheer)

And that's why I'm skipping the Iowa caucus.

Because I want you, my home state, to pick the next president, and not because my polls are low there.

And just wait until you see how we juice the economy with my new seven-eight-nine tax plan.

No, it's nine-eight-seven tax plan.

It's nine percent sales tax...

The candidate thinks it's funnier that way. Wait for it.

Why was six afraid of seven?

MAN: Why?

Because of my seven-eight-nine tax plan.

You know what I always thought the funniest number was?

(laughs) Eleven.

Did you guys know that I got married?

Who wants to meet my brand-new

smokin' hot wife, Beth?

Beth, come on out here.

This is my wife. And my stepson, Clay.

- Clay, come on up here.
- (cheering)

- Go ahead, say something.
- No, thank you.

Yeah, no, you have to. They'd love it.

You have to.

- Look at how hot she is!
- BETH: Jonie!

- Yeah, I get sprung.
- Oh, gosh!

BETH: Thank you all so much.

My Jonie, he just swept me off my feet.

And I know that when he's elected president, he's gonna sweep all of the dirt out of Washington, so...

- (crowd cheering)
- we're just gonna need to find a broom

- that's tall enough for him.
- (laughter)

- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- JONAH: I just want to make it clear

- that she does do all the housework.
- I do.

Thank you, New Hampshire, thank you for coming.

Thank you!

- (cheering)
- (music playing)

The wife is really helpful.

She humanizes him, if that were possible.

Like sunglasses on a dog.

His favorabilities are up %.

(laughing) Hilarious.

That bump could carry us right to Super Tuesday.

- Uh-oh.
- JONAH: Stay away from us.

You're lucky my wife is here, or I'd give you a berserker b*at-down and I would wipe my ass with that dumb-looking cardigan.

It's a sweater-vest.

TEDDY: What the hell was that?

I thought you'd gotten a handle on the screaming-at-random-seniors thing.

What, my ex-stepdad? That guy's such a douche nark.

That's your stepfather?

Yeah, he thinks he can just come down here and bask in my meteoric success just because he's my wife's dad?

Wait, I'm s... He's your wife's... dad.

You said he was your stepdad.

Yeah, Beth's my stepsister.

Did you guys not know that?

- Oh, no.
- Oh. Oh. Oh.

- Oh, no, no.
- No.

Yeah, her dad married my mom for like a year when I was .

(spit take) You're k*lling me, sir.

Look, the point is, he's a d*ck.

He gave me a "D" in math because I have dyslexia, but for numbers.

And he forced us to go on all these family vacations to stupid Hawaii.

- Which island?
- The big one.

Did you do no oppo research on our own candidate? How did this not come up?!

The same reason it didn't come up that he moisturizes with Minotaur semen!

It's not one of the standard questions that you ask!

I don't know what the big deal is here.

It's not like Beth and I did anything, unless you count her walking in while I was whackin' off all the time.

I wish I was still in prison.

Are you kidding me?

You -story sky raper!

Excuse me, Teddy.

May I speak to you over here for a moment?

Now? Thank you.

Teddy, we talked about this.

- I'm sorry, sir.
- The only reason you were hired is because Mr. Tanz told me you were the best, and because...?

Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.

That's right.

- This doin' anything for you?
- (sighs)

Huh, right there? You like that?

Not even a little tickle?
Not even a little move?

- Jonie, you ready to head home?
- Jesus, Beth, I'm working!

Someone gets so cranky when he doesn't eat.

You're cranky.

- I have Goldfish.
- Thank you.

- I have string cheese too...
- I want Goldfish.

- Can I have some?
- No. Get your own.

SELINA: Well, it is such an honor to be here in...

- GARY: Lurlene.
- Lurlene, and to shake hands with...

- With Mayor, um... Biscuit.
- Biscuit.

Gosh. I didn't have my breakfast this morning, I will admit, so that makes me quite hungry.

(laughter)

And I'll tell ya something, um, it's not the...

No, I don't want this...
The first time in politics that I've had to shake hands with a complete dog.

Madam President, how do you respond to people sick and tired of politicians offering nothing but "thoughts and prayers" when it comes to mass sh**t?

Um, well, uh... my heart goes out to the families of the victims, and I want to offer them my, uh...

Um, mindfulness... and, uh, meditations un-unto the Lord, on their behalf...

- Mike McLintock. Buzzfeed magazine...
- I know who you are.

- Print edition...
- Uh-huh. OK.

- Madam President. Now, will...
- Yes.

Sorry, this is a menu. Hold on a second.

Great question, Mike. That's all the time we have, folks.

The president looks forward to continuing to meet with the good people of Iowa as she contemplates the future.

- Thank you so much, everybody.
- Thank you.

Mike, I really need you to post at least ten pieces a day to the site.

When you say "a day," do you mean a day a day?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Mike. Workin' for the enemy, huh?
- Yeah. My new gig.

- It's really nice to see you, Mike.
- Yeah.

I've been meaning to email ya.

Google always filters out my emails, they think I'm a bot.

Yeah. Well, Ellen's doin' good.
She's learnin' Mandarin.

We night even adopt another, uh, kid.

"Lurlene." I mean, even the name sounds like it's on meth.

Who in their right mind would live in this ashtray's anus?

Well, me. I was lucky enough to be born here.

What?! You are from Lurlene?

I just didn't want to brag. "Boasters are roasters," my Grandma Splett would always say.

She had a form of rhyming dementia.

It's called Lyndrome Syndrome.

- Really?
- I'll bet she made that up.

Oh... OK. It's showtime at the baby Apollo. Let's go.

Richard, is chocolate bad for dogs?

- Oh, no, not bad. Deadly.
- OK. What?

- Hello, Lurlene. (chuckles)
- (crowd cheers)

Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns.

But they're both equally good people.

Isn't there somewhere they can both be president?

Fortunately, no.

No! Little Richard, don't pull Mommy's hair.

"That's not our plan," Mother.

All right, fine. Here. Take it.

REPORTER: Madam President, will you be announcing your candidacy today?

No. I mean, that's not our plan.

What?! You're not planning on running?

(reporters clamoring)

I've always been a big fan of Selina Meyer's,

but it's time for some new blood.

Is this what I came to Iowa for?

- It's everywhere, ma'am.
- Well, except Buzzfeed.

They led with the story about the dog mayor in a coma.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Ma'am, please don't make Catherine feel any worse than she already does. She's suffering from...

- I know. Postpartum depression.
- Catherine has postpartum depression?

- I didn't notice anything.
- I thought she was in a good mood.

Ma'am, we have to announce immediately to counter this.

Why not announce at the Statue of Liberty?

- You love standing next to ugly women.
- Yes!

OK, call Senator Talbot, see if she can introduce me.

'Cause we could use the color, don't ya think?

Could I get a quote for my article?

Goddamnit, what is Mike doing in here?!

And why does he have a good idea now that he's not working for us?

- Mike.
- Does anybody have time to sit...

- for an interview real quick?
- Mike. Out.

- A blurbicle?
- No. Get out of here.

I'll go announce at a white supremacist compound if I have to.

There gotta be tons of them around here.

Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho. Iowa is mostly meth labs.

That's mainly just a difference in branding.

- AMY: There's our new leader.
- BEN: Keith Quinn in da house!

SELINA: OK, well, screw your wigs on tight, Team Dipshit, you're about to see how a campaign is really Ru...

- No, that's not him.
- AMY: What do you mean?

- I mean that's not him.
- It's not him.

- That's Keith Quinn.
- No, that is not Keith Quinn.

- Not him.
- Ma'am, it is him.

I thought Keith Quinn was someone else!

- Someone else.
- It is not my job to know what Keith Quinn does or does not look like!

- Amy...
- Ma'am, look who's here.

- Keith!
- Yes!

- Keith Quinn!
- That's me!

Oh! And I'm so... just amazed to see you.

I was shocked to get the call to come here.

- I bet.
- But so happy.

I want Kent to show you where your office is.

- Oh, sure.
- Right next to mine.

Which I hope that's OK with you.

Where else would it be? I'm the campaign manager, right?

- (laughter)
- Yeah.

And I want you to whip everybody into shape.

Oh! (imitates whip)

- OK... Good.
- KEITH: Brought all my whips!

But let me just say thank you so much.

- SELINA: Oh...
- This is a really big step up for me.

Oh. Ohh...

- Right this way, Mr. Quinn.
- Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Thank you! Fire him.

He's deader than democracy, ma'am.

Wait a minute. No! The press cannot know that we've made another mistake.

I-I'm so sorry. What's happening?

Amy hired the wrong guy.

So who's running the campaign?

- Keith Quinn, obviously, Amy.
- OK.

But he cannot know that I've never seen him before in my entire life!

So everyone's gonna report to Ben, he's gonna be the secret campaign manager.

(whispers) Congratulations, Mr. Cafferty.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of Spokane.

What happened today was a tragedy.

But here is the hard truth:

Sometimes hotshot lacrosse players who think they own the cafeteria can bring this on themselves.

Congressman, will your wife be joining you today?

Uh, no, not today. Just me.

Will she be joining you at the senior center this afternoon?

No, so stop asking questions about my wife.

It's not like I m*rder*d her.

- Is your wife OK?
- Look, I challenge you.

Go ahead. Try to find one thing that's wrong with my marriage.

Send out your top guys, have 'em follow me around.

- Did you marry your stepsister?
- g*dd*mn it. Who told you?

Is Beth Hennick's father your stepfather, Lloyd Hennick?

- I married my half-sister.
- TEDDY: No, stepsister!

Whichever one, when I bone her she doesn't give birth to a pile of legs or whatever.

You know what? If you wanna att*ck somebody, att*ck my cousin Ezra.

He's the one who fingered her in high school.

We wanna thank the firefighters, the real heroes!

SOPHIE: Amy, I put off getting an abortion once, and now I've got Joaquin.

I thought if I just talked to Dan, then...

- Shh.
- (grunts)

f*ck my parents! I thought Kent snapped.

- Not today.
- Staff meeting.

Why can't we do it in the conference room?

Because, Amy, your hire, Keith Quinn, is in the conference room having what he thinks is a staff meeting, but we're actually having the real staff meeting in here.

- Meyer for President.
- Oh, boy.

I really thought my fifties would be about me f*ckin' and suckin' my way through The Shorenstein Center.

- You and me both, ma'am.
- Ma'am, we need to pick a location for your announcement.

Can you text Gary, please?

He's been gone for an hour.

- I need that smoothie.
- Yeah.

- Ma'am, I've got it.
- OK.

We do your announcement where you historically announced your first run for the presidency nine years ago.

Um...

Susan B. Anthony's birthplace?

- Oh.
- I love it.

- What is in this?
- Bourbon and Smartwater.

Woman, hero, suffragette, bringing the Selina Meyer story full circle.

- MARJORIE: Yes.
- You know what?

I kinda love it.

- OK, we'll figure it out in the air.
- Yeah, yes.

- And not a word of this leaks.
- No.

- Did you text Gary?
- I did.

There was a sh**ting at a Home Depot and they closed the interstate.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Jamba Juice!

I really wanted that smoothie.

- I know you did.
- Hey! Where's everybody goin'?

She loves what you're doing.
Just keep on crackin'.

(imitates whip)

OK. (chuckles)

Oh, hey, I'm still waitin' on that Wi-Fi password.

- (reporters clamoring)
- I haven't eaten all day.

MIKE: Ma'am, any comment on the latest sh**ting?

SELINA: It's an absolute outrage.

I mean frankly, somebody needs to do something about these sh**t because I cannot take any more of this.

Powerful words.

(chuckles) Check this out. Connecting rooms.

(exhales)

They got me bunkin' with Gary.

You should see all of Selina's dresses in here.

At least I hope they're hers.

I'm thinking of having this baby, and I'm not asking anything of you, literally nothing, but I do want the baby to know that you're the father.

But I don't want your last name because I've always loved the name Meagan and I don't want people to think that I was going for Mee-gan Ee-Gan because that sounds like
someone who gets ass-f*cked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.

Whoa.

I-I like the name Meagan, too.

Although the Deegan's always congested. So...

Yeah, the Cross Bronx is much better for butt stuff.

(chuckles)

OK, well, just sleep on it, or whatever.

- OK, good night, Dan.
- Night, Amy...

- Ugh.
- Oh!

Why do I have to tell people why I want to be president?

I don't want to hear about their jobs.

These are toxic. I'm gonna throw them out.

Oh, oh, oh. I've been wanting to ask you, have you seen how Amy is hovering over Dan?

I think they're hookin' up.

- Dan is not dippin' his pen...
- No?

In that ink stain.

Plus she's getting kinda fat in the front. Did you see that?

It is literally all I can think about.

- Ugh. Hey, Gary.
- Mm-hmm.

Why would you want to be president?

(laughing) To give it to you, of course.

Oh. That's good. God.

I know what I want to say, but I can't find the words.

What if you talk and I type? How about that?

- You just say it out loud...
- Yes.

- And then I'll just type it.
- OK.

- How about that? Great, great.
- Yeah. Let's try that. OK.

- This is fun.
- Well, from the time I was a girl...

"From the time I was a pretty girl..."

- No, not pretty girl.
- No.

"From the time I was a girl."

Oh, but you were so pretty.

I know.

But anyway, I have fought...

- Good. Good.
- ...every day...

- So good.
- ...to make America a...

- A very good place.
- No, don't finish my sentences.

- I thought that's where you were going.
- You don't know

- where I'm going.
- To the White House!

You know what I would like to tell people,

- but obviously I can't?
- Say it here.

- I should be president...
- Yeah?

Because it is my g*dd*mn turn!

- I was the game-changer...
- Yep.

I took a dump on the glass ceiling,

and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club.

- Muff.
- But for three years

Hughes kept me chained to a radiator in some basement in Cleveland.

So as far as I'm concerned, America owes me an eight-year stay in the White House, and this time, I want a w*r!

- Ye-es!
- (typing)

All right. Do you want me to read that back?

Oh, we can't use any of that.

- Oh.
- It sounds like I'm shouting

from a balcony in Munich.

(gasps) Like Evita!

OK, just put down something about how I want to give the American people a better deal or some f*ckin' crap like that.

Very Kennedy-esque.

John, not Teddy.

Or the rapey one.

Or the one that k*lled that little girl.

(knocking on door)

DAN: Amy?

Hey, can I come in?

- I need to talk to you.
- Come in.

Hey. Um, just a quick heads-up, you might want to keep this door closed.

I'm gonna f*ck Mike's boss.

My spidey sense tells me she's gonna yelp like a seagull in a bread factory. So...

Yeah.

S-Stick it in there good, pal.

Only way I know how.

(door closes)

That lobby bar better be open!

I'm gonna have it all by my f*cking self!

What is she talking about?

Probably a cheesecake or something.

(laughing)

You said it, not me.

All right, nighty-night.

(laughing)

Oh, sh**t.

(knocking) Hey, Dan.

It's your roomie, Gary.

Uh, I forgot my key.

(knocking)

Hey, Dan?

My heart medicine's in there.

Oh! Good, there you are.

I need coffee and any kind of egg white frittata.

Put your jacket on. This isn't a homeless shelter.

Yeah, yeah.

Hmm.

Oh, Ames. Ames. Hey.

Uh... listen,

I just don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans.

I appreciate the soul-searching.

But if you wanna go Dutch or whatever on the abortion, just hit me up on Venmo, OK?

Oh, you know what? Make it public, OK? Shows I'm a gentleman.

Oh, thanks, guys!

WOMAN: We love you, Selina!

Wow.

This place has feminine symbolism spurtin' out of its dickhole.

All right, boys, let's go launch this rocket.

Let's just hope it's the Columbia and not the Challenger.

Both exploded, k*lling all aboard.

OK, whatever. The one without the schoolteacher.

What is... going on here?
Where is the stage?

This was all supposed to be done like six hours ago.

The tents aren't even here.

I'm guessin' those were supposed to be put up four or five hours ago.

You want the stages up first.

Ma'am, it...

- It turns out back in ...
- Yeah?

Your campaign did not pay the bill for your announcement.

- I, I...
- I want you to meet Nick Spooner, he owns the tent company.

- Hello, Mr. Spooner.
- Spooner.

If you could just set up... the stage, it...

Your Honor, I totally respect your office

- and your service to this country...
- Thank you.

As former Commander-in-Chief of the armed services.

Well, it's my pleasure. Thank you.

And I want to say that I love America.

- Mm-hm.
- However...

I am sick and tired of these hoity-toity people...

- Like yourself...
- O... K.

Prancing in here with this la-dee-da attitude and total "disregahd" for the working class people of this country, like myself.

Truth to power. Good for you.

My aide Mr. Walsh would like to speak with you...

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Your aide?

Your hat is so fun.

The "B." Have you been to Barbuda?

Can we just pay this townie and get on with it, please?

It's too late now. The press is already arriving.

So the national press is now arriving to this giant metaphor for a...

clusterfuck of a campaign.

Actually, it's a synecdoche.

Technically, it's more of a goat r*pe than a clusterfuck.

If I ever needed a miracle it is right now.

Ma'am, there's been a mass sh**ting in a mall in Phoenix.

Twenty-seven people have been k*lled.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Hohhh.

This can... work for us?

Yes, because we couldn't possibly announce now out of respect for the victims.

Halle-f*ckin'-lujah!

Praise the rational equivalent of Jesus, what Bonhoeffer would call the spirit of beloved community.

We have to send that sh**t a nice thank-you card.

Actually, he sh*t himself before he could be apprehended.

I'll send something to his wife.

Oh. Actually, he sh*t her first.

I am literally shaking from this.

SELINA: I can't believe it!

- Hey, guys!
- (crowd clamoring)

TEDDY: This is our chance to get in front of the marriage story,

- shape the narrative.
- Mm-hmm.

All right.

Whoa. What was that?

I'm just adjusting your Mic.

I was chemically castrated, remember?

(music playing)

As adults, you met again

- at Nancy's father's funeral?
- BETH: Right.

He was just so tall that I fell in love with him that night.

And, um, two months later we were married.

In a normal... marriage.

Not weird or disgusting at all.

Normal.

So what would you say to someone who might ask,

"How can they marry? They're step-siblings."

I'm not her brother, and I never was.

Except for that one year.

It's exactly what Woody Allen did.

I'm clearly no more of a pervert than he is, and if you're gonna criticize us, then you better be prepared to criticize Woody Allen and the little Chinese girl.

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

SELINA: I would like to offer my thoughts and prayers for the victims and their families.

And I realize that there are those who say that thoughts and prayers aren't enough, but prayer works, believe me.

It worked for me today.

- BEN: Amen.
- MAN: Whoo!

(applause)

And... and this may not seem like the right time, but I have to say that I love this country.

- I think we all do.
- (cheers, applause)

And I am sick and tired of all these hoity-toity people prancing around with their la-dee-da attitudes with complete "disregahd"...

Re... regard for the rights of normal, working class

- men and women!
- (shouts of agreement)

And that is why I wanna be President of the United States of America!

- (cheering)
- And my candidacy begins...right now! Thank you!

- Did you write that?
- Yes.

This is the bill for Mr. Spooner, the old work plus today.

Yeah. I'm not paying that.

(all clamoring)

So, at the center of all of this emotional turmoil is Beth's father and Jonah's stepfather,

- Lloyd Hennick.
- He was a monster.

Mr. Hennick, would you join us, please?

- Hi.
- Wh-What?

- Have a seat.
- What is he doing here?

- JONAS: Did you know about this?
- BETH: No.

- Hi, Jonah.
- (mocking) "Oh, hi, Jonah."

INTERVIEWER: Lloyd, is there anything you would like to say to your son...

Your stepson, Jonah?

Yes. Jonah, I have always tried to be there for you.

That's why I bought your first car and paid for all six years of college, champ!

How come you failed me in algebra, Mr. Hennick?

You failed eighth grade math?

My mom never loved you.

You know that? She told me that.

Thanksgiving .

We'd love to have him back, you know, by himself.

- It'd be great.
- Eat a d*ck.

Nancy, ever since the kids have gotten together, it's just reminded me of how much I miss you.

- JONAH: No! No, no, no!
- Oh, I'm...

Do not touch her! No!

Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else.

You are gonna die alone. Get up. Move over.

- BETH: Do you want me to move?
- Yes, you guys switch.

How does this make you feel, Nancy,

- with th...
- It makes me feel terrible.

I miss him!

- I miss you! I miss you!
- No, no, no!

(all shouting)

JONAH: I'm gonna be president! I'm gonna be president!

- I'm gonna be president!
- What?! Wha...

Actually, since this segment first aired, Jonah's numbers are up over %.

He's tapped into something.

Yeah, his stepsister.

Well, it's playing big with non-college educated white males, and.... college educated white males.

Basically, white males.

This entire country is getting more disgusting by the second.

That's a demo we're targeting mostly on Facebook.

OK, can we just talk about how I pulled one of the all-time campaign announcements

- out of my lily-white anus?
- Kudos on that, Gary.

- SELINA: What?
- The field could not be any clearer.

Ma'am, you need to see this.

I believe that our country will always be

a shining beacon of hope...

- Oh, God, he looks good.
- for our own people

and those who will learn from our example.

And that is why I would like to announce my candidacy for the office

- That!
- ...of President...

- Right there!
- of the United States of America.

That's the Keith Quinn I was talking about.

Move!