10x19 - Yes-Woman

[bunniefuu]

- [Objects rattle]
- Shh! You'll wake Lily.

[Whispering] How drunk are you?
I told you three times

- she's on that school trip.
- [Whispering] I'd feel more confident

- if you weren't also whispering.
- [Normal voice] Fair point.

[Normal voice] Are...
Are you wearing lipstick?

- Hm?
- Am I wearing nail polish?

So, we kind of had a crazy night out.

It started off at this little under-the-radar speakeasy I heard about.

Uh, he Googled "cool bars near me."

Anyway, we met a group of -somethings that took a shine to us.

They introduced us to the world of underground parties and $ cocktails.

- It was so burnt.
- Lit.

- Lit.
- Lit.

I don't even remember half these bars.

Did we go to a hospital last night?

Okay, Grandma Tucker's hangover remedy...

Put a pat of butter underneath your tongue, tip your head back, and I'll pour the hot sauce up your nose.

- [Cellphones chimes, vibrates]
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- That's a group text from Binker.
- What?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my gosh.

The g*ng wants to get back together and party tonight.

And you said we'd never hear from them after they saw us in that horrible Denny's lighting.

Okay, we have to play this exactly right...

We don't want to come off too eager, but we also want to let 'em know we're down to mob.

- [Groaning] Oh, my God.
- Cam, you know our rule, we never go out two nights in a row.

- Yeah, I know, but this is...
- We're already pushing it by going to that lecture series tonight.

What lecture series?

- [Mug thuds]
- Alan Greenspan's top aide.

We bought the season pass so we'd get premium seating to "A Night of Sarcasm with Fran Lebowitz."

- [Cellphones chimes, vibrates]
- [Gasps] Oh, everyone's in.

Look at all those thumbs of colors.
They're so woke.

[Cellphones chimes, vibrates]

"We're out. Catch you next time"?

Mitchell.

How could you?

Storm out softly. You'll wake Lily.

♪♪

Phil: Morning, honey.
Don't mind all the Caltech gear.

I figured I'd surprise Alex at school and take her to lunch.

Surprise her?
At the end of the semester?

Honey, she's probably in the middle of exams.

She's gonna be...thrilled.

Have you ever seen a video of yourself wearing something you didn't realize was unflattering?

Well, that happened to me recently, and...it was my personality.

For centuries, man has longed to rule the air like the majestic squirrel.

The wait ends today.

Nope.

Luke: Uh, but what if we...

- Doesn't matter.
- Alex: Hey, Mom.

I can pull this off, right?

- Let me.
- Oh.

[Doorbell ringing]

Ah, we're not home.

[Door slams shut]

I made a decision to be less negative.

It's the new me, the girl who says "yes."

Friend went to Mexico for the weekend.

I'm finding the level.

Crockett and Tubbs, you look snazzy.

Thanks... I think.

I'm trying to step up my game.

I started seeing someone from work.

Oh, honey. I don't know if I think that's such a good idea that...

Never mind. I approve.

[Dog food pouring]

I doubt my mom would approve if she knew the whole story.

[Birds chirping]

Woman: Pool boy.

I need more towels.

Right away, ma'am.

Done. I just approved another design.

The most luxurious dog bed yet.

I call it...

The Top of the Bark.

Gloria: Ah, that's nice that you can run your new company at home in clothes that you can only wear at home.

When men get to a certain age, they stop trying.

I've seen it before.

First, it starts with the clothes, then the body, then the brain.

But I can't say anything to Jay, because when it comes to his appearance, he's very sensitive.

Mi amor, I'm back.

- Welcome home.
- [Gasps]

[Chuckles] You hate it, right?

I'll shave it. It's a joke.

Stupid!

Good dawning, all.

Jay: What am I looking at?

Is the vet worried you're gonna bite yourself?

It's a traditional Tudor collar.

I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society, and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual.

I don't hate it.

I think it makes your head look like one of those fancy cookies.

I also have to recite several Shakespearean monologues and festoon our dining hall with some bawdy bunting.

What happened to hazing?

It used to be macho stuff, you know, like making a guy drink a sh*t out of your belly button or passing an orange around only using your butt cheeks.

Look. It's one of the most selective groups on campus.

I don't want to jinx it, but a week from now, I could be learning

- the steps of the secret minuet.
- Ooh.

This is what happens when you eliminate campus bullying.

Jay, what do you think?

We'll go out for a nice lunch, dress up a little bit.

This feels like an att*ck.

All right, that's as gentle as I can go, I am Colombian, not Canadian.

I got an e-mail from the club.

The older players have taken over the driving range for bocce weekday mornings.

So what? You can play golf later.

No, we got a whole group... the Sunrise Swingers.

We meet there at : , hit a bucket.

One of the gals is making up t*nk tops.

Oh, yay. More casual clothes.

No, I'm going down there, get the support of some of the other golfers.

- Maybe I can fight this thing.
- Okay, good idea, but don't forget that there is a dress code at the club.

They probably already overturned it.

Ah, the whole place went to hell when they stopped putting ice in the urinals.

There's just something about destroying a thing while you're taking a pee that makes a man feel like a man.

Oh, well, hello there.

- Uh, Dad. What are you doing here?
- Hi.

I thought I'd take you to lunch.

It wasn't just about lunch.

Of my three kids, I've always felt least connected with Alex.

And I'm afraid that the distance between us might grow after she graduates.

Wow. Graduates?

It was just, like, years ago when she took her first college course.

I really wish you would've called.

I can't go to lunch today. I'm late for...

- an event.
- Is that why you're all dressed up?

Yeah. But it's no big deal.

B-T-dubs, have you seen your school paper?

Apparently, your valedictorian is a chimp.

How is that not bigger news?

It's a fake paper, Dad.

It's senior prank week.

Oh. I wish I'd known that before I sent your mom this text.

"It's starting. Hide the bananas."

[Chuckles]

- Seriously?!
- The Kepler Award?

Is this where you're going, 'cause it looks like it's a big deal?

It's just a boring reception for finalists.

Well, I love a good reception.

What time are we expected?

Oh, I don't think I'm allowed to bring guests.

Says here, "families welcome."

But I didn't RSVP.

Says here, "walk-ins encouraged."

What an informative flyer. [Laughs]

Awesome. Let's do this.

[Groans]

Yoga, right?

No winners, no losers, no "who's best?"

You want me to tell you that you are the only one that didn't need help from the teacher?

Was I?

- Janice. Hi.
- Hi.

This is Claire, my husband's daughter.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, that makes Gloria kind of like your stepmother.

Yeah, we don't do that.

- Oh.
- Um, anyways, how is your new boyfriend?

Pretty great.

I do feel a little awkward about the age difference, though.

Ooh, which way are we talking?

He's, uh, in his early s.

[Gasps] Noice!

Isn't that embarrassing?

No. I say go for it.

Ooh, I like this new Claire that says "yes" to things.

Before, you would be like, uh... what is the word for grouchy?

I don't think it matters now.

Early s, huh.

Well, you're still b*ating gravity at that point.

I bet everything is right where it should be.

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

Check out this selfie he sent

- of his abs.
- [Gasps]

Damn!

Mm.

It's so nice to be with someone who takes care of himself, not like the guys my age.

Tell me about it.

Jay's starting to give up a little bit.

You know, in the way that he's dressing.

- Mm.
- Why don't you bring your guy by the house to remind Jay that women like a man that make a little effort.

- Um, well, we're free later today, if that works.
- Perfect.

And, Claire, you come, too, so that you help me nudge Jay in the right direction.

Well, I wouldn't want my first "no"

- to be to my stepmother.
- I said we're not doing that.

Cam, hurry!

If we get there early enough, we get to submit a question about Greenspan.

I got a doozy about stag-flation.

- Just hear me out.
- You...

- We decided...
- No, you decided.

And, Mitchell, we had so much fun last night.

Lily's gone for one more night.

Let's go out! Come on. Have some fun.

And break our two-night-in-a-row rule?

- No, no. I don't think so.
- [Sighs]

Okay, you slept two hours last night.

You know you hit a wall when you get overtired.

- It's very intense.
- You know what I think this is?

I think you're worried that you can't keep up

- with me and my youthful spirit.
- Mm.

The other day, you called a refrigerator an icebox.

That's not old, that's country cute.

- Okay.
- Let's face it. You were born , and I've always been young at heart.

And you know what?
Maybe that's what attracted you to me in the first place... my boyish charm.

And you were an older, seasoned man who came and... seduced me, Mr. Robinson.

Okay, yeah, that's a youthful reference.

You should trot that out with your new friends.

Cam, this is so you, okay?

You're running yourself ragged trying to remain young.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with accepting the fact that you're getting a little older.

Unless you're admitting it too soon.

You don't want to look up one day and think, "Oh, what did I forget to do? Oh, yeah. Live."

Well, you know what? If you need me,

I'm gonna be pre-gaming in Binker's loft in... an abandoned cannery in the old pickle district.

- Sounds drafty.
- Yeah.

[Door slams shut]

Woman: Nice roll.

Jay: The bocce situation was worse than I feared.

I had to get the range back in the hands of the Sunrise Swingers.

Listen, I, uh, got to be discreet.

Uh, I'm sort of behind enemy lines here.

But, uh, if I'm not mistaken, you're a fellow, uh,

- "swinger."
- Excuse me?

No, no, it's okay. I'm cool.
It's just that I, uh...

I'm trying to get something started here.

I mean, uh, of course we have to meet in secrecy, but I don't mind hosting at my house.

- Are you actually suggesting...
- Lady, wake up.

Our way of life is under att*ck.

Pretty soon, there won't be enough of us for a decent foursome.

[Quietly] I have to go.

Okay. Well, just think about it.

- That's all. Just think about it.
- Okay.

- Worth a sh*t, huh?
- What?

No, that's not what I meant.

Oh, that's what you bocce players are about, huh?

You find something nice, and you ruin it.

[Indistinct conversations, piano plays softly]

That's Dr. Stieglitz.

He makes the final decision on the award.

He's brilliant and scary and impossible to impress.

Hey, I know this is your dad talking, but you're pretty brilliant and scary and impossible yourself.

Okay. I've made an appearance.

- I think we can go.
- Come on, now, Alex.

This is a party in your honor, and you're here with your own personal cheerleader.

- Dad, I just...
- I know how to pump up an academic crowd.

I had to cheer for the debate team once.

"Be persuasive, B-E persuasive."

- "B-E P-E-R-S... "
- That's enough.

Stieglitz: "Damn. Might as well ask Schrödinger's cat."

[Laughter]

Pets.

I once had a macaw that could use a remote control.

Watched a lot of cable. You'd think, uh...

You'd think Animal Planet, but it was mostly Cinemax.

- I'm Alex's dad.
- [Chuckles]

Alex, get in here.

Actually, I was referring to a thought experiment concerning a paradox in quantum mechanics.

Yes, quite, quite.

[Inhales deeply]

Where are you all from originally?

It was so embarrassing.

Professor Stieglitz is a genius.

He doesn't fall for people who pretend to understand him by saying things like "Quite, quite," or, "Indeed," or...

Touché, my good man!

But seriously, I-I have a science question

- I've always wondered about.
- Uh, maybe keep wondering.

Would there be a safe amount of helium you could give a baby that would lift it off the ground?

What?

[Laughing] Oh.
I don't want it to float away.

I-I just want it to have fun.

Can we...

Could you do me a favor?

I'm having a package delivered to my dorm room, and someone needs to be there to sign for it.

Can't your roommate do it?

No. She got deported.

I thought she was from Arkansas.

Yeah, but her parents were... traitors.

- Beth and Allen?
- Don't feel bad.

We all fell for it.

So you want me to go back to your dorm room and sit and wait for a package?

Yes.

Oh, sh-sh**t, honey. I...

I have a delivery coming back to the house, too, so...

I should run.

- Well, if you have to.
- Yeah. I'm so sorry.

But, hey, good luck, okay?

Bye, Dad.

Uh, did I seem a little...

Zero Kelvin? Cold. Yeah.

So you think I was...

Like the sum of a group of numbers divided by the number of those numbers? Mean.

This is why no one wants to code with you, Tina.

♪♪

[Glass thuds]

Hey. How in the world did you find me?

You know that app you can put on kids' phones to track them?

You put one on my phone after I surprised you today?

Don't make me feel worse than I already do.

Wait a minute. You won?!

Congratulations!

Please don't be happy for me.
I can't take it.

I was such a jerk to you.

No, honey, I get it. I, uh...

I know I can be embarrassing. I...

I just get nervous around smart people.

Sometimes even you.

The first time I ever said "quite, quite" was when you were years old and you just told me about how plants make carbon dioxide.

This may surprise you, but... sometimes I wish I was more like you, the way you're always able to enjoy life.

Believe it or not, I felt the same way about my dad.

I'm a... I'm a pessimist compared to him.

And his dad actually suffered from a smile-induced hernia.

It's prank week, and I spent the whole time in the library.

Sometimes I feel like I just went through the four best years of my life, only I forgot to make them the four best years of my life.

Well, college isn't over.

And I just may be able to help you make up for a little lost time.

Hot Wing Trivia's about to start.

I have you guys registered as "The Dunphys"?

How did you...?

You knew I was coming?

Let's not forget where you learned about that tracking app.

[Scottish accent] And there's one tiny change.

We're actually the MacDunphys.

Only my dad would think that a trivia game...

[Scottish accent] The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire.

[Bell dings, crowd cheers]

...where you balance hats on your head, drink beer as a reward...

[Scottish accent] Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

- [Bell dings, crowd cheers]
- ...and eat hot wings as a punishment...

Millard Fillmore!

[Buzzer, crowd chanting "Eat!"]

...needed that one last twist of a Scottish accent.

Dopey, Sneezy... and Grumpy?

- [Bell dings, crowd cheers]
- Yeah! [Laughs]

Whoever said the most important thing in life is winning awards...

...wasn't all wrong.

Man: I still remember the day Mr. Greenspan coined the term "irrational exuberance."

He had taken a longer than usual tub and, as he sat in the soapy water...

I had made a mistake.

Cam was off on an adventure while I sat there dying of boredom, surrounded by people dying of natural causes.

Cameron: I'm gonna keep the bounce going, okay?

- Keep the bounce going.
- Mitchell: Yeah, you know, it's a little more

- sass in the neck, because...
- Oh, my gosh!

Mitchell, what are you doing here?

- What about the lecture?
- Well, uh, it was deadly.

Yeah, I'm getting old before my time.

Please take me with you!
Make me young again!

Oh, my gosh, we're so happy you're here.

- Really?
- Yeah, of course.

- No "I told you so"?
- No. That's not how my generation does it.

Well, check you out, still going strong.

Yeah, you know what?
I think I'm just feeding off the energy, because I haven't felt this awake in...

- Hold on just a second.
- Hm?

Yo, blue guy! Hey, blue shirt!

What's up, bro? Hey!

You looking at me?
What do you want to do?

You want to dance?
Why is he staring at me?

You know, you know, I don't think he was looking at you.

It seems like he's looking at me.
What's...

Are you getting a little tired?

Oh, please. Can a tired guy do this?

Da! Hey, I love these guys! Whoa.

Oh, did you know Daryl... Daryl's mom was the runner-up in the Miss Illinois pageant

[deep voice] in ?!

♪ The year I graduated ♪

♪ Daryl's mom was hot ♪

- Ow!
- Mitchell: Fantastic.

Cam, I think you might be hitting that wall.

No, no, no, I'm fine. I would...

What's this clown staring at? Hey!

No, no, no, no, no, don't point at me.

I'll rip your finger off and feed it to your red-headed girlfriend!

- Okay, that is a mirror.
- Huh?

And I knew this sweater made me look busty.

Okay, w-w-why is my hand shaking?

Did somebody put something in my drink?

Hey! Did one of you Ritalin-addicted millennial scooter jockeys dose me? Huh?

What, you think you can take this tree down, do you?

Well, guess what! I'm a redwood!

That's right, I was here before you were born, and I'll be here after you're gone!

- Okay, okay.
- Yeah!

- He gets like this. He just needs a nap.
- [Grunts]

- Nap time.
- Okay.

- Nap. Let's go.
- No, I don't want to go, though!

- I like my new friends!
- Yeah, I know.

Do you guys like me? 'Cause I like you!

Yeah. I want to stay! Hey!

And I'm really sorry about everything.

- You got to let him go.
- No, I'm sorry.

- You got to let him go. It's okay. Thank you.
- I'm so sorry.

- Bye-bye.
- I didn't know you weren't staring at me.

- Shh. It's okay.
- [Crying] No, I don't want to go.

I nailed my monologues for the Elizabethan Society.

Methinks you're looking at a brand-new Lizzie.

So it is "methinks."

So, why does Jay correct me every time I say that?

[Doorbell rings]

Jay, we have company!
Do not hide in the bedroom.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Thank you for coming.
- [Chuckles]

- Where's the boyfriend?
- He's just parking.

And, you know, we realized something on the way over, and it's a little awkward. [Laughs]

- [Timer dings]
- Those are my hors d'oeuvres. I'll be back.

- Make yourself a drink.
- Okay.

Hey, hot stuff.

Are you sure this isn't a little weird?

Well, I wasn't expecting the couple we'd be helping out to be my grandpa and his wife, but... our relationship was gonna be

- out in the open eventually.
- [Sighs] Yeah.

I kind of bragged about it to everyone I know.

- Oh, you're so sweet.
- [Cellphone ringing]

[Sighs] My daughter.

She wants to have friends over. I said no parties.

Hey, you relax.

Denise, your mother and I deserve one night off.

Oh!

Jay: The lady from the club!

Either she didn't know I was Gloria's husband and things were about to get very awkward, or she did know and she was here to follow up on my accidental proposition.

God, I hate company!

Hey, hot stuff.

Where's your boy toy?

Oh, he's making a phone call. Got to say, though,

I feel kind of awkward because, turns out,

- he's related to Gloria.
- What?

- [Cellphone rings]
- My daughter. I have to handle this. Sorry.

Claire, I have big news.

Oh, God. If it's what I think it is,

I don't know if that's a good idea.

I know. People will say

I've taken my love of old things too far.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'm happy.

And not to brag, but I'm the first Latino to get in there.

Oh, boy.
I feel sort of responsible for this.

Um, I think it has a little more to do with my performance.

I distinguished myself when I did literally all the girl parts.

I need to go splash
some water on my face.

Wait a minute.
Have you been doing sit-ups?

Oh, every night for stamina.

I would not have been able to perform without it.

I even threw in some tongue exercises

- because my "Shrew" was taking forever.
- [Laughs]

Oh, God.

- Dad, what are you hiding from?
- You'll know after I tell you what I said to that woman from the club.

- [Sighs]
- [Quietly] What is she doing here?

- She's trying to get you out of those clothes.
- You know?

Yes! We talked about it at yoga.

It was Gloria's idea.

I just came along to grease the wheels.

What?! I was almost considering it until you added that part.

- I gotta splash water on my face.
- [Sighs]

This place is dead. Want to bounce?

No, we don't have to be around a big group of people to have fun.

[Gasps] Luke, no!

She has a boyfriend.

Yeah, me.

No, it's some young guy from the club...

- Oh, boy.
- [Door opens]

Gloria, do you know what's going on with Manny?

Uh, do you think that he can keep that a secret?

They have to wear all kind of weird outfits

- every time they do it.
- [Groans]

Hey, Ma.

Luke... Luke, get your hands off Manny's girlfriend.

- That's not my girlfriend.
- What?

Then what were we just talking about?

The Elizabethan Society.
M-My first meeting's tonight.

- I'm so confused.
- It's plain as day.

This woman is here to swing with me.

That's it. That's where I draw the line.

How did this happen?

I'll tell you how this happened.

Because nobody was willing to say what needs to be said.

No. No. No.

And hell no.

[Door opens]

It's how you feel about the B-minus, Denise, not how your mother and I feel about it.

No, I'm not saying no to the Amsterdam trip.

Yeah, it sounds like a fun summer, but how is that gonna look on a college application?

- [Door opens, footsteps approaching]
- We'll talk about it later.

Of course I'm proud of you.

- [Cellphone beeps]
- Hey, Mom.

Hey, Luke.
Honey, would you mind getting me

that salad bowl off the top shelf?

Yep.

[Sighs] I know I'm the only one, but it is my favorite.

Don't apologize, Mom.
You know what you like.

Never mind. I'm good.