12x21 - The Plagiarism Schism

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Big Bang Theory...

We conclusively proved super-asymmetry, and yet somehow we-we still feel like imposters.

Yeah, there should be a term for that.

Oh, for crying out loud, there is a term for that!

It's called "imposter syndrome," and you don't have it, because you can't have it if you are imposters, and you are!

We're the ones who discovered super-asymmetry, so if anyone's gonna feel like they have imposter syndrome, it's us because we're not imposters, they are!

You're imposters and you're frauds!

I think what President Siebert is trying to say is that this is a setback and we should adopt a different strategy.

I-I'm sorry. I-I just-- I-I snapped.

Oh, you're sorry.
It's all better, then.

Listen up, you have sh*t to win a Nobel Prize, and you're blowing it.

I think what President Siebert is trying to say is that you have a sh*t to win a Nobel Prize, and you're blowing it.

Uh, that's exactly what he said.

Yes, but I said it in my calming HR voice.

So, obviously, I'm really sorry about my outburst.

(stammers) Calling you frauds was unacceptable.

I feel terrible about it.

It has caused her a lot of stress.

She chewed through her night guard like it was a piece of jerky.

What you said was really hurtful, especially because I thought we were friends.

Why would you think that?

Ouch.

Ignore them; they're just mean people.

Uh, not mean, just sorry.

Seem mean, are sorry. Happens all the time.

It's okay.
I talked to my therapist, and she made me realize that what you said was really more about your own insecurities.

I'm sorry, what?

There you go, she's sorry.
We all heard it. Moving on.

Yes, obviously, you're angry at all the attention we're getting for our discovery and you're lashing out.

Well, uh, technically, she lashed out.

I contained myself, which I don't think I'm getting enough credit for.

The point is we should take it as a compliment that even you guys think we will win the Nobel Prize.

Uh, no, we-we certainly do not think that.

The Nobel Committee will realize that we came up with this theory.

But we proved it.

By accident.

All breakthroughs happen by accident.

No, they don't!

Look, the Nobel Committee doesn't like infighting, so if the four of you don't stop sniping at each other, the award's gonna go to someone else entirely.

He's right.

You know, like it or not, we can't avoid each other.

Let's at least try to be civil.

Agreed.

You know, when you think about it, we're linked together the same way that super-asymmetry links together every atom in the universe.

Hmm.

That's not what it does at all!

Well, that's the great thing about science.

We all get to have our own opinions.

I'm still not talking.
That's impressive, right?

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪


You-- No, no, no, no.
Your money's no good here.

Well, I'm glad that we hashed all that out, and moving forward, may the best team win.

I couldn't agree more.

(quietly):
We're the best team.

Greg Pemberton, you old so-and-so.

(chuckles) Very good to see you.

Uh, let me introduce you to my colleague, Dr. Campbell.

Uh, Kevin, this is Barry Kripke.
We went to college together.

Great to meet you.
Well, you have my number.

We should hit up the buffet at the strip club while you're in town.

Nothing beats a lap dance and a baked potato bar, huh?

(chuckles)

You can come, too.

That's a hard pass.

I'll walk you out.

PEMBERTON: Good to see you, Barry.

You're the best!

Oh...

God, I hate that guy.

That's strange; you seem quite fond of him.

I was only being polite. Pemberton is a grade A weasel.

How do I know you're not just being polite when you say it's nice to see me?

I have literally never said that to you.

Why do you say he's a weasel?

(sighs) Pemberton's whole M.O. was to take other people's ideas and turn them in as his own.

That's exactly what he's doing to us.

I'm not surprised. I heard the only work he did on his thesis was googling, "Where can I buy a thesis?"

Well, plagiarism is a pretty serious charge. Are you sure?

You want proof? I can make some calls.

You'd do that for us?

I really don't want to see that guy win a Nobel.

I also don't want to see you win a Nobel.

Ooh, this is tricky.

I don't know, Barry.
It sounds a little sleazy.

Well, let me know if you change your mind.

Sleazy is where I thrive.

So I was talking to my mom about our Pemberton and Campbell situation.

Really? What'd she say?

Apparently, Old Testament God would bring down his wrath on them for being deceitful, but New Testament God would forgive them.

So couldn't we just bring down our wrath and ask the New Testament God to forgive us?

You know, I asked her that very question.

And?

She said I was full of California sass.

Oh, good, you're all here. Uh, we're wrestling with an ethical question, and perhaps you could help.

- Sure, what's up? - Yeah.
- Fire away.

If we have damaging and embarrassing information about someone, should we keep it to ourselves or expose them?

Quick question: Does it happen to do with online tastes that might or might not reflect their real-life tastes?

I know all about your tall girl website.

It goes on our credit card.

It's Dr. Pemberton.

Kripke says he plagiarized his thesis, and that he can prove it.

Wow. Well, that's not gonna sit well with the Nobel Committee.

Hang on. I don't think it's fair to use something someone did in school against them.

Relax, he said it's not you.

I don't know. If someone's a cheater, they should be held accountable no matter how long ago it was.

(laughs): Okay, now you just sound crazy.

So you really think they should do this?

(stammers) It wouldn't just knock Pemberton out of Nobel contention, it would blow up his whole career.

To that, I say kaboom!

No, I meant it's a bad thing.

No, no, I agree with Bernadette.

If Pemberton cheated, maybe he shouldn't have a career in the first place.

There's plenty of people that didn't plagiarize.

And a few of us who did, but it's only 'cause The Scarlet Letter was so boring.

Aw, I love The Scarlet Letter.

Th-That's where I got my taste for bad girls.

Ugh, why is this decision so hard?

Maybe because you want to win, but deep down you know it's not the honorable way to do it.

Otherwise, you would've done it already.

That's really wise.

Yes, but it may just be the Indian accent.

Do you think by not exposing Pemberton we're doing the right thing?

Of course.

Unless you think we're not doing the right thing.

Why would you think that I don't think we're doing the right thing?

You might think that if good people hold themselves to unrealistically high ethical standards, then they might lose out to their unscrupulous competitors.

Is that what you think?

No.

No, I just thought if you thought we weren't doing the right thing, that's why you might think that.

Well, if I did think that, you might point out that people who claim it's okay to do bad things to win are bad people no matter what they tell themselves.

And I'd be right to point that out.

Because you're a good person.

I love talking to you.

It's like talking to me, but with a girl voice.

I'm just saying, Sheldon and Amy deserve to win, and sometimes that means doing what you got to do.

Don't you think it's better to take the high road?

Yeah, and instead of g*ns, armies should carry candy canes that sh**t wishes.

So what's the worst thing you've ever done to get something you wanted?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

Oh, come on.
I'll tell you mine.

(laughs): Right, 'cause yours is gonna be as bad as mine. Okay.

(chuckles)
Come on, just tell me.

Okay, fine.

When we first met, there was another waitress at The Cheesecake Factory who thought you were cute, so I told her you had all the hepatitises, A through Z.

There aren't hepatitises.

Well, if she was smart enough to know that, she wouldn't still be working at a Cheesecake Factory.

Oh, she still works there?
Who was it?

Why does it matter?

You're right, it doesn't matter 'cause I got the best one.

Was it Susan?

Why? Because she's tall?

Good night.

Can't believe it.

Sheldon loves telling on people when they break the rules.

Yeah, well, maybe he's changed.

He hasn't changed. Last week, when the vending machine gave me two bags of chips, he called my mom.

Well, that didn't ruin your life.

Well, it ruined my day.

I had to talk to my mom, who, by the way, is-is polyamorous now, so that's fun to think about.

Look, I'm proud of Sheldon and Amy.

You know? They want to win this thing on their own merits, not by knocking out the competition.

Yeah, but what if they don't win?

Uh, Pemberton and Campbell have done an amazing job of associating their names with super-asymmetry.

They have all the momentum right now.

I don't like the idea of them losing either, but this is their decision to make, not ours.

(sighs)

Maybe it is ours.

What do you mean?

Well, i-if Sheldon and Amy don't want to expose Pemberton, that doesn't mean someone else can't do it for them.

They'd never have to know.

Really? You'd do that?

They deserve the Nobel.

I'm not gonna let two frauds steal it from them.

And if that means getting my hands dirty, so be it.

(laughs)
What's so funny?

Just realized I've never actually seen your hands dirty.

All right, Hofstadter, here's all the proof you need.

- Great, thanks.
- Just remember,

once you take this envelope, there's no turning back.

What if I look at it and decide not to use it?

I had not considered that.

Got to hand it to you, you got a real talent for making things boring.

Thanks.

Hey, look at that, you did it again.

Hi, Leonard.

What? Nothing.

You okay?

Uh, no, you are.

So guess what.
There was a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory back in the day who kind of had a thing for me.

Other than Bernadette?
That does not sound right.

Honest to God.

Oh, well, who was it?

It doesn't even matter.
I'm happily married.

The point is women-- plural-- find me appealing.

Okay. Okay, well, well, let's see.

Okay? We-we know it wasn't Penny, we know it wasn't Susan...
- Wait.

How do we know it wasn't Susan?

Uh, because she had a type.

What type?

Don't make me say it.

Are you saying I'm not a handsome guy?

See? It's mean, right?

Hold on, as we've established, a minimum of two women think I'm attractive.

Uh, yeah, you're right, it was totally Susan.

I didn't say it was her.
I said it could've been.

It could've been anybody. Marta, Gina, Annalise...

It's a little creepy that you remember all their names.

Not just their names.

The cars they drove, the color of their eyes, and whether or not they had boyfriends.

Your husband was acting kind of weird today.

You sure you're not thinking about your husband?

No. He was acting all sketchy.

Almost like he was guilty or something.

Oh. Well, that doesn't mean anything.

I mean, Leonard has resting guilt face.

Yeah, it's-it's like, "What are you guilty about, Leonard?"

"Nothing." "Well, then, tell it to your face." (scoffs)

Are you okay?

I'm so okay, yeah.

Then why are you acting guilty now?

Okay, look, Leonard knows that you and Sheldon decided to take the high road, so he went to Kripke for you.

But that just means you didn't do anything wrong, and now you don't risk losing to those idiots.

Why did you tell me?

Now that I know, I'm implicated.

But you wanted me to.

I also wanted you to be my jester at the Renaissance Fair, but that didn't happen.

I wanted to be a princess.

There was only one princess, and it was me!

Fine. I'm sorry I told you.

And I forgive you.

'Cause that's what a princess would do.

Kudos on the meatballs.

They're nice and round.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

They're much better than those prolate spheroids you used to pass off as balls.

Okay.

Are you all right?
You seem distracted.

Yeah, sorry. I'm just trying to figure something out.

Is it what to get me for our anniversary?

'Cause I'll give you a hint: it's already in my Amazon basket. Just click "buy now."

I filled out the gift card for you.

Apparently, I'm the light of your life.

Sheldon, if someone were gonna do something ethically murky on your behalf, would you rather know about it or not know about it to retain your innocence?

Well, now that I know there's a thing to know, I have to know.

Can't help myself; I'm a fact addict.

That's not a real thing.

And that's a fact.

Leonard, I know what you're planning to do, and I said I didn't want to do it.

What? You told him?

Well, you told me.

Yeah, that's-that's probably where you heard it.

You're not doing anything wrong.

That's the point.
I'm doing it.

Yeah, but it's still wrong.

Well, so is you and Amy not getting the recognition for your discovery.

And if that means I have to do something shady so you don't have to, I'm okay with that.

But we're not.

I mean, it's sweet that you want to help, but we don't want you compromising your integrity for us.

Wait, what-- really?

I thought we were just worried about looking bad.

It could be both.

Okay.

But I'm gonna go with my reason.
Yours is too complicated.

Hey.

Hey.

Listen, I did something kind of stupid today.

Okay.

I went to The Cheesecake Factory to try to figure out who that waitress was.

- Howie.
- Don't worry, I didn't find out, because I realized I didn't even care. (chuckles)

W-While I was there, I started asking myself, "Why does this mean anything to me?"

And... I guess the truth is it was all about my vanity.

And why should I need to be validated by another woman liking me when the best woman in the world already loves me?

(sighs)

And I just wanted you to know that.

(chuckles)

The restaurant manager already called.

You really creeped a lot of people out.

And I regret that.
(chuckles)

Because the only woman I want to creep out is the mother of my children.

Well, you're off to a good start.

Thank you for meeting us.

No problem.

We never say no when someone wants to buy us lunch.

We didn't say we were going to buy you lunch.

Really? Apologies go down easier with free turkey club sandwiches.

This isn't another apology.

There's something we have to give you.

Yes.

Uh, we have proof that you plagiarized your thesis.

It's why we invited you to this lunch.

(gasps)
We invited them.

That's the confusion over who's paying.

Hold on, are you blackmailing us?

No, the opposite.

We're blackmailing you?

How are you up for a Nobel?!

SHELDON: We're giving you this so that no one can use it against you, because we want to win on our own merits, not by tearing you down.

So it's true?
You really did this?

It was years ago, and I was going through a very hard time.
- What hard time?

I had to write a thesis, and I wasn't smart enough to do it.

You realize my name is attached to yours.

If this gets out, it ruins me, too.

It's not gonna get out.

(scoffs) You know what? Linda was right.

You're always looking for shortcuts.

When did you talk to my ex-wife?

She's not your ex-wife.

You keep dragging your feet on those papers.

Well, I'm trying to get the lake house.

You're not getting the lake house.

You're never getting the lake house.

She picked it out, she decorated it.

The lake house is hers.

What is going on here?

I'm in love with Linda!

You son of a bitch!

(both grunting)

That was my iced tea.

(slurring): Dr. Cooper, Dr. Fowler.

Just the guy I want to see.

Are you drunk?

I was, and then I still was.

And now, I still was.

Okay, can we help you?

Pemberton is out.

Someone published all the information about his plagiarism.

(whispers): It was me.

Someone else told Fermilab, and he lost his job.

(whispers): Also me.

And someone is sleeping with his ex-wife and it's not me.

I thought it was.

Not anymore. Apparently, just because I'm better than her husband doesn't mean I'm as good as her contractor.

Women, huh?

I-I think you need to go.

No, wait.
Hear me out.

Look, the three of us could team up.

There's one small catch.

Dr. Pemberton has been saying a lot of bad stuff about me.

But don't worry, I couldn't possibly have done any of it, because I was with you guys the whole time.

(whispers): I did it.

(stammers) Frankly, I don't know what Linda ever saw in either of them.