01x04 - The Disappointment of the Dionne Quintuplets

[bunniefuu]

BARBRA STREISAND: So long Sad times

- Go along, bad times

- [GASPS]

Wallpaper is amazing!

- We are rid of you

- [LAUGHS]

Told you.

- At last

- Oh, my gosh!

Howdy Gay times Cloudy gray times You are now a thing Of The past Happy days No.

No, no, I'm That one is Are here again The skies Above Are clear again So let's sing a song Of cheer again Happy days Are here again All together Shout it now There's no one Who can doubt it now

[BABY CRYING]

So let's tell the world About it now Happy days Are here again Your cares and troubles

- Are gone

- How's Gettysburg?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

There'll be

- No more

- ALL: nine, eight,

- From now on

- seven, six, five,

- From now on

- four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

Happy days Are here again The skies Above Are clear again So let's sing a song Of cheer again Happy times Happy nights Happy days Are Here Again

[HOLDING FINAL NOTE]

[SONG ENDS]

The dishes go in the kitchen.

- Yes, ma'am.

- ROSE: Kitchen's full.

Well, what am I supposed to do with the dishes?

- Linen closet.

- Dishes in the linen closet, please.

- Yes, ma'am.

- MAN: Well, hold on a second.

Ethan, what are you watching?

Grandma says it's good.

It's Liberace.

It's magic.

And he's single.

- Not my type, Mama.

- All right.

I put the other end table in the kids' room.

We should get rid of this stuff.

- Nonsense.

We'll make it fit.

- I should sell it.

You'll need it.

Well, the super's not gonna store my couch in the basement forever.

He will if he doesn't want his wife to find out there's nothing wrong with Dottie Milford's pipes in 4D.

These can go in your father's closet.

- ABE: What?

What's going in my closet?

- Nothing!

ABE: This door won't move!

There are things in front of it.

Why?

Am I supposed to live in here now?

Was that grapefruit the last breakfast

- I'm ever going to eat?

- Move these, please.

- Why are they moving that?

- Your father's blocked in.

- He is?

- ABE: Yes!

He is!

Abe, please relax.

Well, you said this wasn't going to be an inconvenience.

I consider not being able to leave my study somewhat of an inconvenience.

These can go in the kids' room for now.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Keep putting things in the kids' room, we won't have anywhere to put the kids.

Abe, your door is clear!

What's that?

- It's a box of Joel's things.

- I'll take it.

Abe?

The boxes have been moved.

- You'll take it where?

- I'll put it in the basement.

Abe!

I thought you wanted to come out.

No.

I wanted the option of coming out.

I'll take care of it.

I should get these to him.

- You sure?

- I'm sure.

Go look in your room there's a lovely little surprise

- from your childhood.

- As though my adulthood hasn't provided enough little surprises lately.

Oh, he's playing the typewriter.

Isn't that something?

- - [RHYTHMIC CLACKING ON TV]

[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS]

Just checking.

[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS]

- - [CLACKING CONTINUES]

- Here, take a look at that.

- [TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS]

[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS]

[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS]

[TYPEWRITER AND ORCHESTRA CONTINUE PLAYING]

- Times and a pack of Pall Malls.

- 20 cents.

- f*ck!

- A nickel back.

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck!

Take a Bazooka for your son.

- f*ck, you m*therf*cking whore!

- Hey!

You're in a place of business.

This typewriter's a piece of sh*t.

Customers can hear you.

Ha!

Hey, Darius, look.

"Susie Myerson Personal Management.

" Classy, huh?

Nice big letters, with my number right there on the bottom.

- That's my number.

- Yeah, I don't have a phone.

Just don't forget to introduce me to Dorothy Dandridge when you make it big.

Oh, when I make it big, if I'm still hanging with you, I'm gonna have Dorothy Dandridge b*at me to death

- with Otto Preminger.

- Watch the place a minute?

Yeah.

Light a match this time.

[PHONE RINGS]

[SUSIE SIGHS]

News on Jane.

May I speak to Susan Myerson, please?

Who the hell is Susan Myerson?

Oh.

Susie, hi.

Isn't that your full name?

Susan?

- No.

- Your mother named you Susie?

- Yes.

- S-Susie?

Like Susie?

- Yes.

- You just don't seem like a Susie.

- But I seem like a Susan?

- Well, no.

What-what do I seem like?

I don't know.

A Doug?

- Seriously?

- No, not Doug.

Prunella, maybe.

Okay, h-how do you think this conversation is going so far?

Right.

Sorry.

Moving on.

Uh, what time are we meeting up today?

I can't do today the movers have been here since 6:00.

And my parents' apartment's a wreck.

- Uh-huh.

- I'm trying to make this day

- as drama-free as possible

- Yep.

Sure.

but I ran across this box of Joel's things, and Can I get a candy bar?

Sure.

What kind?

-[MIDGE CONTINUES SPEAKING OVER PHONE]

I can't decide between the Zagnut and the Hershey bar.

Well, personally, I like the Zagnut.

It's filling.

Plus, I had a cousin who lived on a farm, used to feed Hershey bars to the sheep when they got constipated.

Now, she was a weird broad, but still, I could never separate the two again.

- I'll get the Zagnut.

- Okay.

MIDGE: what do I do with these shoes?

Do I throw them away?

Do I keep them for Ethan?

Oh, I'm just babbling.

Now, how about tomorrow?

Great.

Tomorrow's great.

- Around 3:00?

- I'll see you then.

That's my client.

Ah.

See my card?

I'm-a need that back.

[YAWNS]

My God, I'm so tired.

I'll bring in the dishes, Mama!

Did I do it yet?

ROSE: Forget about the dishes.

Zelda will be here in the morning.

I can't move.

- I can't think.

- Don't move.

Don't think.

Just drink.

- You made your cocoa.

- My Parisian cocoa.

Oh, you haven't made this since I left for college.

Well, you're home now.

- I thought we'd celebrate.

- Mmm!

[SIGHS] : Okay.

- MIDGE: Mama, this is delicious.

- ROSE: Mmm.

Excuse me, Ethan.

It is now after dinner.

After dinner is my time to read.

[DUMMY SHOUTING ON TV]

Therefore I need the room.

Miriam, does your son not understand the word "therefore"?

I feel like that's where I lost him.

Do you need something, Papa?

Yes.

Please explain to your son that I need the room.

- Why?

- Because it's after dinner, and after dinner Rose, please explain to your daughter that I need the room.

- You can still read.

- The television is on.

- He'll turn it down.

- I need silence.

Complete silence.

Abe, perhaps just for tonight.

No, no "Abe, perhaps just for tonight.

" This is how I live my life, you both know this.

- He's a little boy.

- I know that, which is why I win.

You can go in your study, can't you?

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not falling for that again.

- Please, Papa?

- Nope.

I'm turning it off.

No, no, no, Papa, Papa, please don't!

Have you ever been around Ethan when he can't watch Howdy Doody?

Because it's terrible.

Trust me.

I'm saving you from something here.

I will not be held hostage in my own home.

- It's only temporary.

- How do you know?

You don't know how long you're gonna be here.

It could be days, weeks, years.

- It will not be years.

- And I will not spend years adjusting to your needs.

See, you have to adjust to mine, to ours, to your mother's needs, and mine.

I don't mind if he watches the show.

Will you just stick with me, please?

I'm never taking you into battle.

"I'll meet you later, once our side has won.

" I've got an idea why don't we just get another television set?

We could put it in Miriam's room.

- Yes.

- No.

A second television's a wonderful idea.

Ethan could go into my room to watch his shows, and I can watch Jack Paar in there at night, so you don't have to hear it.

I don't like Jack Paar.

There are jugglers on Jack Paar.

See?

-We are not paying for another TV just so that you can have Jack Paar in your bedroom.

We only have this one in case of a national emergency.

What about the TV you had in your apartment?

It's in the basement.

I could ask Mrs. Zuckerman

- to bring it up tomorrow.

- No.

Yes!

No.

Thank you.

That was Joel's TV.

I don't want Joel's TV in here.

I don't want Joel's TV in here, either.

I don't even want this TV in here.

That's it, I'm turning it off.

That is that.

- [SCREAMING]

- Oh, holy [SCREAMING STOPS]

Okay.

Just for this evening.

I still control this house!

I'm just doing it from in there.

[HORN HONKING IN DISTANCE]

Dinner was very good, wasn't it?

Goulash seems to be a dish that suits all ages.

I'll have Zelda add it to the rotation now that the children are here.

I want you to talk to Miriam.

About what?

Her son eats with his mouth open.

- It needs to stop.

- He's three.

When I was three, I could resole a shoe.

I'm not sure that's a direct comparison.

Well we're doomed.

You know this has been a very hard time for Miriam.

So much upheaval so quickly.

And you know her she thought she had the whole world figured out.

[GROANS]

I could've told her she didn't.

I want her to be happy here.

I want it to be a nice stay for her and the children.

What's the harm in getting a second TV?

- No.

- We can afford it.

And it would make everything so much calmer.

I am not a two-TV set sort of man.

Maybe other people have two TVs.

Maybe Jack Paar has two TVs.

But not me.

End of discussion.

Abe.

I heard myself say, "End of discussion," and yet apparently it's not the end of the discussion.

Miriam needs calm right now.

She needs a sense of order and normalcy.

I want her to be as happy as possible while she waits.

- Waits for what?

- For Joel to come back.

[GROANS] : Oh, Rose.

Because he's going to come back, it's just a matter of time, and I want her as distracted and carefree as possible, because it will all be over soon.

Rose, I You what?

I [CLOCK TICKING]

I'm fine with buying a second television set.

Oh, thank you, Abe.

And when Joel comes back, we'll get rid of it, and no one will ever know that for a brief, shining moment, you were a two-TV set sort of man.

[CLOCK TICKING]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[LIVELY GUITAR INTRO PLAYING]

Well, I was standing on the corner With a bucket in my hand I went looking for a woman That ain't got no man 'Cause my bucket's got a hole in it Yeah, my bucket's got a hole in it Yeah, my bucket's got a hole in it Won't hold no beer Well, it ain't no use What do you think?

They deserve a slot?

- I don't like three guitars.

- g*dd*mn it, Jackie.

You have got to widen your basis for criticism.

Is it good music?

Are they entertaining?

That's how you judge sh*t like this.

Hey, I told you when I started working here, I didn't like music.

Look, I'm gonna be branching out in my life.

I need somebody to pick up the slack around here.

- You have got to develop some taste.

- sh*t.

Now look up there and tell me what you think.

My bucket's got a hole in it I like dog acts.

Oh, f*ck off, Jackie.

All right, all right.

Stop.

10:45.

And lose a guitar.

Happy?

I find your leadership confusing.

Next.

Number 34.

34, get up here.

Oh, we're 34.

- Next.

- Go get a dog.

Oh, you're such an assh*le.

Next.

- 35.

35.

- WOMAN: Yes, that's me.

Next.

What spot's she getting?

Are you kidding?

She can't work here.

But damn, I love the flute.

Okay, back to business.

- You're here.

- I'm here and ready to work.

Great.

Now, I have been thinking I'd like to start getting you out there.

Small clubs, maybe some amateur nights.

But just get your sea legs.

I mean, we don't even really know who you are yet.

- What does that mean?

- Well, I mean, what kind of comic are you?

- Are you a planter or a stalker?

- Stalker.

Will you tell one-liners, stream of consciousness?

- Stream of consciousness.

- Personal?

Political?

Personal tinged by political.

Okay.

Well, I guess we do know who you are.

But we have to figure out what you'll say.

Yes.

Good.

Here.

I brought this.

No.

I don't want to read your diary.

It's not my diary.

I don't care what your first time felt like.

It's not my diary.

It's a notebook - I write thoughts down in.

- That's a f*cking diary.

- No, it's not.

- I don't want to read the word "ponies" over and over and over.

I write down thoughts for jokes.

"Oh, I do wish Mitzi Gaynor was my very best friend.

" Just read, please.

- JACKIE: Number 36.

- MAN: Yeah, that's me.

Okay.

Well, - there are thoughts here.

- Thank you.

I do, however, see Mitzi Gaynor is mentioned.

Well, come on, she's adorable.

Fine, but there's more to think about besides material.

Really?

Like what?

Holding for laughs.

- What are you doing?

- Taking notes.

- Holding for laughs.

- Uh, working the room.

- Working the room.

- Dealing with hecklers.

How to enter, how to exit.

How to use a mic; mics can be very tricky.

Y-You ever here of Joe E.

Lewis?

- Of course.

- They say mobsters cut his face 'cause he didn't want to do a club date?

Nope.

Tripped on a mic cord.

- What?

- 30% of all comics die from cord-related injuries.

- That's not true.

- Well, it's up there.

Hey, what do you think about my name?

Well, I wouldn't send my parents a thank-you card, but I've heard worse.

- I think I need a new one.

- Why?

I don't want to use my real name.

- Why not?

- Because I don't want people to know I'm talking about me.

I want them to think I'm talking about Tula Raine.

- Huh?

- That's a stripper name.

- What about Lotte McAllister?

- That's an Irish stripper name.

- Use your real one.

- No.

Miriam Maisel's a person.

- Anya Morgenstern - Is my cleaning lady.

No.

I'll keep thinking.

Oh, wait.

I got something to show you.

Huh?

[HUMS]

"Susie Myerson Personal Management.

" Cute.

I'm hand-making these things.

As of now, I have eight, including the one you are holding, so I'd like it back.

Oh, hey, Art Joley's doing a set at Cafe Wha?

tonight.

- You should check him out.

- MIDGE: Who?

What do you mean who?

Art Joley?

Guy just got a write-up in the Times last week.

- Gonna make him a star.

- I've never heard of him.

What?

Well, I've had some stuff going on.

Jackie, I'm going out.

Oh, come on.

Let's go.

Never heard of Art Joley - Where are we going?

- Just clip-clop.

Wait, wait, wait.

SUSIE: Get all your little things your gloves and your little book Heels.

and your knick-knacks let's go.

[DOOR BELLS JINGLE]

Oh, I love this store.

It's got texture.

My father's study kind of smells like this.

Hmm, like an armpit smoked a cigarette?

Oh, this is the cutest thing ever.

"Bing Crosby Sings Mother Goose.

" I had such a thing for Bing Crosby when I was little.

Really?

He's so oily looking.

No, he's not.

Like if you got on top of him, you'd slide right off.

Never watching White Christmas again.

"Tubby the Tuba.

" "Woody Woodpecker.

" Ethan would love this place.

Come on, we didn't come to see this.

There's more?

Moon lights up the night [CAT MEOWS]

I light up when you call my name And you know I'm gonna treat you right You give me fever What is all this?

Don't touch.

Did you tell her not to touch?

Uh, he doesn't want you to touch.

- I'm picking up on that.

- It's a private collection.

Did you tell her it's a private collection, and that all sales are subject to the owner's approval?

Tell her yourself.

These guys have never spoken to a viable mate before.

Virgil, Oz, meet Midge.

Nice to meet you, fellas.

Mm, pretty sure that's the sound of two guys spontaneously ejaculating.

What is this place?

Uh, part store, part museum, part archive.

Sound about right, guys?

Yeah, we lost 'em.

These guys are insane collectors of sound.

Whatever's not in a mainstream store, they seek out and find.

My God, political speeches, concerts.

"Mark Twain presenting at Royal Albert Hall, 1904.

" Did they even have recording devices then?

This was an early application a, uh, articulated stylus incising Bup-bup-bup.

Nerd alert.

Come here.

This is the section I wanted to show you.

Comedy recordings dating back 50-plus years.

Your Mort Sahls, your Ernie Kovacs, they're great, but there is so much more out there.

- What are these?

- Oh, party records.

They're a whole sub-genre.

It's not really your style, but you should know who they are.

- She should be wearing gloves.

- I know.

- Redd Foxx.

Never heard of him.

- Oh, you will.

MIDGE: I'm gonna get this.

- Go, go, go.

- Okay, I'm going.

How much?

- That's not for sale.

- SUSIE: Virgil It's my only copy.

- Virgil - Buck-fifty.

Tried to k*ll him You know, I'm just realizing how much I don't know about everything.

I feel like I've been living in a bubble, but I'm gonna catch up, you'll see.

In college, no one could study better than I could.

Research?

No one was better at research than me.

I had fabulous binders.

So, where do we start?

Well, are you free Tuesday night?

I mean, we could go see some comics.

Tuesday night, comics.

It's a date.

Thanks, boys.

I'll be back.

Go rinse off.

I think this one is perfect.

It will just fit on your dresser.

Are you sure Papa's okay with a second TV?

- Yes.

- He seemed adamant.

- Please, it's like the skates.

- What skates?

When you were ten, you wanted skates.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Your father said no.

You threw such a fit, he sent you to your room.

Two days later, I got you skates.

I got you this.

It's what I do.

- I get you things.

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Rose.

Hello.

It's been forever.

Well, hello, Loretta.

How are you, Jerry?

I'm good.

Thank you, Mrs.

Maisel.

Lobby, please.

Miriam, you remember Loretta?

Her mother lives in the penthouse.

Miriam, how trim you look.

The last time I saw you, you were enormous.

- Well, I was pregnant.

- If I had a nickel.

You look wonderful yourself, Loretta.

I had half my intestine out.

So, Rose, catch me up.

You played hooky from canasta last week.

Oh, well, we've been very busy.

Joel you remember Joel he got a big promotion, which is wonderful, except it keeps him traveling constantly.

But it's just so much more money.

He couldn't say no.

So Miriam decided to remodel their apartment, and that's been going on for months.

Their place is a shambles.

Miriam and the children have been living with us until Joel gets back to throttle that contractor.

I can't wait to see the final product.

We'll have a party you'll be the first one in the door.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Congratulations on Joel's promotion.

- You must be bursting.

- I am.

Shall we?

[LAUGHTER]

REDD FOXX [ON RECORD]

: A guy went to a private detective, he said, "Listen, I want you to find me" a pretty girl with $500.

" The guy say, "I found you a pretty girl yesterday.

" He said, "Well, you better find her again", 'cause she got my $500.

" [LAUGHS]

Two babies were talking once in the hospital, and one asked the other, said, "How you like to be fed, by the bottle or by the other way?

" [LAUGHTER ON RECORD]

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- The baby say, "I'd rather be fed by the bottle, because the other way I get too many ashes in my eyes.

" - [RECORD SCRATCHES]

- My God.

I was banging on your door like the grim reaper.

- Didn't you hear me?

- No, Mama.

What are you listening to?

Nothing, Mama.

Well, dinner is ready.

It's getting cold.

Lamb curry.

I'll be out in a minute, Mama.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh ROSE: We can take the lamb curry off the children-approved meals.

Zelda gave Ethan a peanut butter sandwich and sent him to bed.

He's a picky one, that son of mine.

I talked to Mr.

Zuckerman.

He's agreed to store all of your furniture for the next two months.

- So it worked.

- Of course it worked.

- What worked?

- Nothing, Abe.

It worked, nothing worked ROSE: Two months is a good amount of time.

Things should definitely sort themselves out in two months.

You know, I read in the paper that Senator Kennedy is gonna run for president.

ABE: That pretty boy?

Just because he's attractive doesn't mean he's unqualified.

Of course it does.

To be truly effective, you must be ugly.

That's ridiculous.

- [PHONE RINGS]

- I'll get it.

Look at all the great thinkers of our time.

- The great men.

- The great women.

- Especially the women.

- ROSE: Hello?

- They are all, to a tee - ROSE: Hello?

extremely unpleasant to look at.

I think Senator Kennedy's brilliant.

Of course you do.

And when did you start - to read the paper?

- ROSE: They hung up.

- I read the paper.

- Yeah, only the shoe ads.

You don't like Kennedy - because he's wealthy.

- Shady money.

So you hate him because of his father.

His father is a terrible man.

An anti-Semite, an isolationist.

- [PHONE RINGS]

- I'll get it.

Why are you doing this?

- ABE: Hello?

- Doing what?

You're baiting your father.

- I'm not.

- ABE: Hello?

He shares his opinion, I share mine.

Well, don't do that.

Just let him win.

- They hung up.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- ROSE: Oh.

So, if you don't like Kennedy, who do you want for president, Nixon?

Oh, my God.

When Richard Milhous Nixon becomes president, we move to France.

I would love to move to France.

We're not moving to France.

- [PHONE RINGS]

- I'll get it.

Hello, Joel.

JOEL: Wasn't sure you'd remember our system.

I remember it.

It's been a while since we were dating.

I came up with the system.

- So, you called?

- Yeah, yeah.

I just, uh, thought you should know that I got a place, an apartment.

Figured it was time to get out of Archie and Imogene's.

I'm sure it was.

JOEL: So, uh, now that I have my own place, I I'd like to see Ethan a little more, if that's all right.

Oh, uh, well, tell me about this new place of yours.

JOEL: Nothing much to tell.

[CHUCKLES]

Is it appropriate for Ethan?

It's not one of those downtown, fifth floor walk-ups with no hot water and a bathtub in the kitchen, is it?

No, no.

Bathtub's down the hall.

[CHUCKLES]

- Ha ha.

- No, it-it's not a palace, but, uh, it's clean, it's got an elevator, and, uh, there's a bed for him if he wants to nap or stay over.

- Well, that sounds fine.

- So, maybe tomorrow?

You could drop him by the office.

He always likes emptying the staplers.

Drives everyone crazy the next day, but I have no interest in stopping by your office.

Oh.

Yeah, sorry.

Um, well, I-I could come pick him up, then.

I'll just swing by your place around 5:00?

5:00 is fine.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

So how are you?

Okay, see you tomorrow at 5:00.

[PLAYING "ON THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET"]

ETHAN: Piano.

That's fun, isn't it?

Hey, maybe I can get you some lessons, now that wow.

Immediate loss of interest.

The boy becomes a man.

Hey, Ethan, don't run away from me like that, okay?

It's fine.

He's more than welcome.

- Oh, thank oh!

- I'm so sorry.

That's oh, oh, I think you broke a heel.

Oh, did I?

I'm just so late.

I'll fix it later.

I hope she hasn't spoken yet.

[CROWD CHEERING NEARBY]

JANE JACOBS: And, as of today, the Board of Estimates has passed a resolution to authorize the temporary closing of the park to all traffic.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hey, what's going on?

Shh, Jane's speaking.

- Jane who?

- Jane Jacobs.

Yes.

Uh, who is Jane Jacobs?

- You've never heard of Jane Jacobs?

- No.

- Where have you been?

- The Upper West Side.

[CHUCKLES]

Here.

This battle is our battle, the people of Greenwich Village.

The ones who understand that cities are made up of more than buildings and roads.

People make up a city.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I don't understand.

It says that they want to build a road.

Where?

Here.

Right through the middle of the park.

This park?

This beautiful park?

Oh, I don't believe that.

You must have read this wrong.

All of you who came out today and marched and made signs, you have made your voices heard.

So, today, it should be your voice speaking.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

You read this right.

Wow.

JACOBS: It's your park, it's your city.

You should tell your stories.

Anyone who wishes to speak, come up and speak.

Just do it loud enough that Robert Moses can hear you over his bulldozers.

- Yes!

- [CROWD CHEERING]

Who is Robert Moses?

The road is his idea.

What a son of a bitch.

You there you seem to have a lot to say.

Who, me?

Oh, no, I-I just got this, and it-it's just terrible.

Somebody should do something.

- We are.

- [CROWD LAUGHS]

Yes, you are.

I see.

Uh, this is a very impressive gathering.

Why don't you come up and share your story?

Me?

Oh, uh, well Come on up.

Share your story.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hello.

My name is Miriam Maisel.

Oh, uh, "Midge" is fine, actually.

So I don't live anywhere near here.

And I have absolutely no idea what's going on, at all.

I mean, five minutes ago, I was buying records for my son, and he wanted to walk through the park and then I stumbled upon this rally and I was like, "So many women in one place two-for-one pantyhose?

" And then I heard about you and you and-and this so-called Robert Moses?

Well, I mean, he's not "so-called," but he sounds terrible.

And I'm I-I'm kicking myself for being so out of the loop.

I'm trying to read more papers lately.

It's interesting my father pointed out that my favorite part about a newspaper is the ads for shoes.

And I felt bad about that, but now I think maybe they just put those ads in newspapers to distract us.

- ALL: Yeah!

- Because if women don't realize what's going on in the world, they won't step in and fix it.

Oh, that's good.

Write that down.

Because they will fix it.

[CROWD CHEERING]

- And accessorize it!

- [CHEERING GROWS LOUDER]

MRS.

MOSKOWITZ [OVER PHONE]

: Joel Maisel's office.

- Hello?

- Yes, this is Joel Maisel's office.

- Who is this?

- This is Mrs.

Moskowitz.

Who is this?

I'm Mrs.

Maisel.

[CHUCKLING] : Oh.

Any relation?

Uh, yes.

Listen, I-I'm supposed to meet Mr. Maisel tonight.

He's taking his son for the evening, but I got hung up, and I'm not gonna be able to make it uptown in time to meet him.

- "Mrs. Maisel"?

- And since I'm already downtown, I thought maybe I could just drop Ethan by Joel's new place, but I don't have his new address.

Oh, well, I can give you that.

Let's see here.

Uh, there it is.

715 West 116th Street.

- E-Excuse me?

- Is that wrong?

Yes, it-it must be wrong.

I meant his new address, for his new apartment.

- Yes.

- Yes, what?

That's his new address.

Oh.

I-I just assumed he-he didn't move downtown?

Is 116th Street downtown?

- No.

- Oh.

Well, I live in Queens so All right.

Thank well, thank you for your help.

Mrs. Maisel!

You're his wife Can I help you?

Uh, Joel Maisel?

DOORMAN: 3C.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

- Evening.

- 3C.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Third floor.

- [DOOR LOCKS]

- PENNY: Joel!

Joel!

- JOEL: What?

- PENNY: Midge is here.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

- What are you doing here?

- I'm dropping off your son.

I went by the house to get him.

You weren't there.

I know.

I got held up.

So, let's see the new digs.

Huh.

Interesting.

- Hi-ya.

- I was worried.

You should've called.

Hey, pal.

Hey, Daddy.

We got records.

JOEL: Well, that's great, that's great.

I did call.

I talked to your secretary.

Better watch that one.

You know secretaries.

Okay, so, I'm glad you're okay.

- Thank you for dropping him off.

- You are welcome.

Hey, ducks.

So, your apartment.

It's nice, it's really nice.

- Thank you.

- In fact, it looks an awful lot like our place.

- What?

- The building, the hallway,

- the old man in the elevator.

- Midge.

And isn't that the couch I wanted to buy, but you said was too deep?

- I don't remember what couch you

- You know, it's funny, I thought I'd find you squatting in some downtown, smoke-filled atelier, not two blocks away, living the Methodist version of our life.

With the Methodist version of me.

Does she have an "on" switch?

Ethan's good now, you can go if you want.

No, he was throwing up earlier.

I figure I should stay around a minute, make sure he's not gonna blow again.

- What?

- You know what's funny?

I don't have my apartment anymore.

You have my apartment.

You have a lot of my things, actually.

- You're welcome.

- [TIMER DINGS]

- Dinner?

- Yes.

- What?

- Pot roast.

The Methodist version of brisket.

Can we discuss this some other time?

Please?

Uh, where's he going?

Where's he going?

JOEL: Boy.

Do you know how to make an entrance.

So is this what you were missing, Joel?

Pot roast and Santa Claus?

I don't want to talk about this here.

Should we get lunch somewhere?

Is there a mayonnaise and Wonder Bread cafe opening up somewhere we could try?

I was gonna come pick him up.

I was gonna come to you so that you wouldn't have to come here.

You are a prince, a real prince.

I hope Penny knows what a prince you are.

I don't understand you, Midge.

You don't understand me?

Me?

Me?

I said I'd come back.

- Remember?

- Oh, boy.

I came to you and I said let's try again.

- You said no.

- Oh, no, uh-uh.

You don't get to rewrite this.

You're the one who left.

Not me.

I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy.

Stamp it, ship it,

- that's all she wrote, folks.

- Fine.

When are you coming to get your things?

- I don't know.

- You have things at my house

- and I want them gone.

- You said you'd pack them up.

I'm not packing up your things.

Penny can pack up your things.

Or you can buy new things, for your new life.

- I'll come get them.

- Not when I'm home.

Fine, I'll come get my things when you're not home.

- Because we're four.

- You're four.

And I want my notebook.

- What notebook?

- My comedy notebook.

You mean my comedy notebook.

It was about me.

Everything's about you.

I want it.

Why?

You quit, remember?

I might try again.

You don't know.

It's mine, I want it.

Well, I-I don't know where it is, but even if I did, as long as you have Bob Newhart's album, you'll be fine.

[SCOFFS]

Low blow, Midge.

You said you didn't want our life.

But this is our life.

Y-You didn't go somewhere exotic or different, you went across the f*cking street.

- I had to.

- You had to?

- Why?

Tell me why.

- It doesn't even g*dd*mn it, Joel, I'll do it.

Because after that night, at the club, after I failed like that, I just knew you'd never look at me the same again.

You tell me I'm not right.

Well, you're right.

Just not about the club part.

Sorry I got you mixed up in this.

Tell Ethan I'll pick him up tomorrow.

Don't baptize him while I'm gone.

[DOOR SLAMS]

The gentleman is a dope A man of many faults A clumsy joe who wouldn't know A rhumba from a waltz The gentleman is a dope And not my cup of tea Why do I get in a dither?

He doesn't belong to me He'll never belong to me.

Well, that's a smell.

First stop of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, this sh*thole is kind of an off-the-grid place.

Established comics do not come here unless they're trying out material they want no one to see.

Bookers do not come here.

You will never see Jack Paar represented here in any way, shape or form.

My father will be very relieved.

What are you doing?

Taking notes.

Research.

You gonna write everything down?

Everything I think is pertinent or interesting, or could be pertinent or interesting.

So the answer's yes.

"No Jack Paar in this sh*thole.

" What's this place called?

- "This sh*thole.

" - You're kidding.

Well, not officially, but by anyone who's been here.

- Hmm.

- Now the good thing about this place, it's a great spot to catch unusual acts you might never see anywhere else.

Hey, who's this guy?

He's from Montana.

Huh.

And what's his blood type?

I don't know.

Well, you told me one useless piece of sh*t detail, I thought you could throw in another.

[GROANS]

What?

What are you doing?

I had a funny thought.

Well, by all means, keep it a secret.

All the best comics do.

I should get another notebook.

What on earth is he doing?

Ladies and gentlemen, I have terrible news.

My best friend, my partner for many years he was like a brother to me Randy here has committed su1c1de.

Look.

Lifeless.

[LAUGHS]

-I just found him backstage, and he didn't even leave a note.

But the show must go on.

And so I will now do our two-man show act without him.

Hey there, Randy, how you doing tonight?

And then Randy would say, "You mean who am I doing tonight?" That would always get a pretty big laugh.

[BOTH LAUGH]

He had such great delivery.

And then I'd say, "Randy", watch what you're saying, there's ladies in the audience.

" And he'd say And he'd say [CRYING] : He'd say "How big are their tits?" [BOTH LAUGH]

Why is this so funny?

I have no f*cking idea.

Hey, you don't think this is funny?

[LAUGHING]

People are funny in Montana.

Oh, my God.

So how come when you're having trouble sleeping, they tell you to count sheep?

I mean, sheep are quite adorable, aren't they?

Yeah, I see a little sheep jumping over a fence, I become invested in that cute little sheep's life story.

- [LAUGHTER]

- Where's he running to?

What's he running from?

And now, instead of getting sleep, I am wide awake with anxiety worrying if my new little friend's gonna be okay.

SUSIE: Upstairs at the Downstairs.

Now this is a good mainstream club.

Everybody comes here.

Bookers, managers, agents, writers come here all the time.

COMIC: I'll tell you, I like having things to do, but I hate having to do things.

Same words, different order, makes all the difference.

Having things to do, that's an option.

Having to do things, that's a demand.

- [LAUGHTER]

- Having things to do, quite pleasant.

Go for a walk, catch a ball game, meet a friend for coffee.

Having to do things, never pleasant.

Take out the trash, change a lightbulb, - go visit your mother.

- [LAUGHTER]

See, this guy here, he's not really my thing, - but he's very solid.

- These are the things that we need to learn in school.

Instead, they teach us a whole bunch of things that we will never, ever use, like knowing about the w*r of 1812.

[LAUGHTER]

-Come to think of it, that's all I remember.

Oh, I don't remember what that w*r was about.

I think it was because it was 1812.

- [LAUGHTER]

- They had no radio, no TV.

There was nothing to do except go to w*r.

"So, um, why are we at w*r?" "Uh, because it's 1812.

" - [LAUGHTER]

- You see how he waits after the laugh.

Now, sometimes and you got to feel it I-if you let a joke sit long enough [LAUGHTER]

Two laughs for the price of one.

COMIC: All right.

Hey, that's Marty Kahn.

Is that good?

Marty Kahn is a very important booker.

He handles a lot of the Eastern seaboard clubs.

I want to meet him.

- I want you to meet him.

- Okay.

[EXHALES]

Lots of confidence.

And remember.

MIDGE: I know, tits up.

Marty Kahn, how the hell are you?

Susie Myerson.

- Uh, my card.

- Okay.

Personal management, huh?

What do you manage?

- I manage her.

- Singer?

- Comedienne.

- Really.

She funny?

She's hilarious.

She's got a great, tight ten, working on some new material.

Time to expand, you know?

Well, she's a looker.

I'd love to see her work.

Well, I will let you know once we have a firm date nailed down.

Hey, can I get a couple more cards for my partners?

Uh, sure, Marty.

- H-How many partners you got?

- Three.

Uh, can two of 'em share?

Okay.

Here you go.

Three more cards.

Okay.

Talk soon.

Yes.

Talk soon.

[SIGHS]

We better get something off that four-card fucker.

Question, should I have talked?

- You did, didn't you?

- No.

Oh.

Yes, next time, talk.

And you'll tell him my name.

I didn't?

Aw, f*ck me.

[GASPS]

Ooh, that's Benny Mann.

That guy's got a stranglehold on Florida.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

You stay here.

Apparently, I can't work with props yet.

COMIC: of the world's largest empire, and today he's a salad.

I like that stool lean.

Well, that is all for me, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Howard Fawn.

Thank you and good night!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

What are you doing?

Are you stealing my act?

- What?

Oh, no.

- I am so sick of this.

- Who sent you?

- No one.

Someone out of L. A. ?

Hired some local girl who knows shorthand?

Hey, I'm not a shorthand girl.

It wasn't Buddy Hackett, was it?

Oh, I didn't think he'd dare, not after I flattened him the last time.

- No, Buddy Hackett did not - Dana?

Greene?

If it was Greene, - I swear - Why do you assume someone sent me?

- What?

- Why couldn't I be stealing your act for myself?

Are you kidding me?

You can't do my act.

What, you think it's so hard?

I mean, frankly, other than that stool lean, it's a fairly pedestrian set.

"Fairly pedestrian.

" Hackett did send you, didn't he?

- That m*therf*cker.

- What is happening here?

I am perfectly capable of stealing your act for myself.

Whoa!

Nobody's stealing acts here.

And after I stole it, I could do it better.

- And in heels!

-Yeah, yeah?

Okay, we're leaving.

You-you tell Hackett, he shows his face around here again,

- I'll break his other leg!

- All right!

SUSIE: What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Uno, dos, uno, dos, tres!

[BAND PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

- [BANDLEADER GRUNTS]

- MAN: Come on, come on, come on.

SUSIE: I appreciate this, Lanie.

- Appreciate nothing.

- We have a deal.

- Well, appreciation's

- a valuable commodity these days.

- Uhuh.

You promised me a prime spot at the Gaslight for two weeks

- if I got you in here.

- Yeah Yeah, what?

You promised.

I know.

I just You're so terrible.

That doesn't matter.

You really You have no talent at all.

I didn't ask for your opinion on my singing.

Oh, you're a singer?

See, I just thought you had your sack caught in your zipper.

Hey!

I did you a favor here!

Susie, how about we save the constructive criticism

- for another time?

- All right.

Prime spot for two weeks.

But practice.

Do some scales, please.

I am begging you.

Okay.

Come on.

Wait here.

I have to make sure my manager's not looking.

Hey.

Lanie!

[GROANS]

Little p*ssy.

He'd better come through.

Well, welcome to the Copa.

Oh, I've been to the Copa.

You have?

We came last year for our anniversary.

Hmm.

Oh.

However, I've never been to the kitchen at the Copa.

- A night of firsts.

- Mm-hmm.

So, Red Skelton's headlining tonight.

You know Red Skelton?

- Of course.

- You ever seen him live?

No.

Saw him on Steve Allen once, though.

Better live.

He's great live.

I mean, this guy's timing?

Rock solid.

He's never off, ever.

Mm.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, - Red Skelton.

- Where the f*ck is Lanie?

- We're missing him.

- Mm.

Wait, we can see him from here.

SUSIE: Where?

Yeah.

Life's recurring joke.

- What?

- RED: Good Evening, - Oh, sorry.

- RED: ladies and gentlemen.

It's nice to be at the Copa tonight.

- Here.

- Oh, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, it's really quite a thrill to be here.

- Stand up on there.

- Yeah, I get the concept.

RED: As I was walking here tonight, there were a lot of people outside.

Someone yelled, "Red Skelton's in the crowd, Red Skelton's in the crowd!" Everybody turned around and looked at me, and gee, I was so embarrassed, I was sorry I yelled.

[LAUGHTER]

- Y-You see how he - Yep, got it.

- A-And you see the way - And then he turns around.

RED: Next week, I'm going down to the Fontainebleau Hotel that's down in Miami Beach, Florida and have you ever seen that place?

Oh, this is the biggest hotel in the world, believe me.

I've played towns smaller.

From your bedroom to the bathroom, they've got Burma-Shave signs.

[LAUGHTER]

g*dd*mn, I love that guy.

f*cking Lanie.

I mean, a prime spot for two weeks to get me in the room, not to dump me in the kitchen.

It's okay.

I don't mind.

Yeah, well, of course you don't.

You've been to the Copa, I haven't.

- I'll be right back.

- Be nice.

SUSIE: Yep.

RED: I was in a club and everyone was so drunk, I could hardly see them.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, I had a swell time.

I'll be glad when that swelling goes down, though, uh Oh, no, believe me, I was as sober as the next guy.

I was as sober as the next guy.

Unfortunately, the next guy was Dean Martin.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, stop all right, keep going.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Oh.

- We got to go.

MIDGE: What you weren't nice?

Not nice, not nice at all.

- Fast walk, fast walk.

- Mm-hmm.

So, your brother's smart, huh?

My brother's brilliant, just like my father.

I'm so proud of him.

He's working for the m*llitary now, developing a sonar machine that can talk to whales to tell them to get out of the way of boats.

Is that really what your brother told you he does?

I-Invents a whale-saving machine?

Yes.

Why?

That's cute.

You're cute.

Is he close with your parents?

My father is closest to my brother, and my mother's closest to me.

You okay with that situation?

You're asking me an awful lot of questions tonight.

Well, I find you fascinating.

You're like a super coiffed science experiment.

I thought maybe you were trying to be friends.

What?

No.

I'm just trying to inspire some thoughts for that notebook.

Oh.

Okay.

Seems like you want to be friends.

I do not want to be friends.

I'd like to be friends.

You really think the m*llitary gives a sh*t about whales?

We went out tonight like friends.

We went out tonight so you could learn a few things.

This was school.

You know my husband left me.

You know my father likes my brother best.

You know my father teaches at Columbia, my mother went to school in Paris.

You know I made the cheerleading squad but quit because my mother feared the bouncing would shorten the shelf life of my breasts.

Yeah, your mother's nuts.

You got to use her.

I don't know anything about you.

- 'Cause you don't have to.

- But maybe I want to.

Look, both of our futures depend on you making jokes about your weird life.

I ask you questions to help you figure out what painful and humiliating moments we can exploit to make a lot of money off of, not because I care, because I don't.

You want your fries?

Yes.

Fine.

Though you haven't had a freaking fry in, like, the last three minutes.

If the skies are gray Long as I can be with you, it's a lovely day Only if you tell me something about your family.

What am I, a trained seal?

I'd like to be friends.

Yeah, and I'd like to eat at Peter Luger's every night, but life's a bitch.

[GRUNTS]

Just as you were going, leaving me My brother's an assh*le.

My other brother's an assh*le.

My sister's okay, but she's married to an assh*le.

My mother washes sheets 14 hours a day.

Once a year, she gets drunk and tells us about the time she came in third in the Miss Rockaway pageant, and then sings "Danny Boy," which is what she did for the talent portion.

And you realize just how great-looking she must've been if they actually gave her anything after that racket.

And then she passes out, pisses herself, and doesn't speak to anyone for the next three weeks.

And your dad?

Oh, he's fine.

Yeah, he's a trader at E. F. Hutton.

- He just bought a boat.

- Really?

No.

Haven't seen the man for 15 years.

He's a total and complete assh*le.

Long as I can be with you It's a lovely day Long as I can be with you Thank you for tonight.

It's a lovely day You're welcome.

It's been really illuminating.

I just, I want to be really, really good at this.

I want to be the best.

So, I was wondering if you maybe want to do it again tomorrow?

Not as friends, just as study partners.

- Hit a couple clubs.

- Midge.

I'll pay for us to get into the Copa.

Inside, with a table and everything.

I can't do this again tomorrow night; I have a job.

Yeah, Mom and Dad don't pay my bills.

Right.

You're right.

I-I'm sorry.

Look, I'm glad this helped, and I love the enthusiasm, but at the end of the day, you got to know that there's really only one way to truly master stand-up.

You just have to do it.

Yeah.

Long as I can be with you It's a lovely day.

I'd start with that whale-saving story.

That thing's a hoot.

ABE: Miriam, come in here, please.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God!

Where have you been?

You scared the daylights out of me.

- Answer me, Miriam.

- I was out.

- "Out" where?

- With a friend.

- What friend?

- I'm sorry, did something happen?

- Do you know what time it is?

- It's late.

It's 2:00 in the morning.

Don't you wear a watch?

Not with this outfit.

We were worried, Miriam, worried sick, if you must know.

Your mother vomited.

I did not vomit.

Well, she did something in the bathroom that took a very long time.

And she did not come out looking happy.

- I'm sorry I was late, but

- But what?

You do know I'm not 16 anymore, don't you?

We thought we did, but then you act like this,

- sneaking out

- I did not sneak out.

- sneaking in.

- I did not sneak in.

You left your baby here alone.

With her grandparents.

And where is your son, anyway?

- sh**ting craps.

- What?

He's with Joel.

- sh**ting craps.

- Oh.

I-I'm kidding.

Can we just lighten the mood a little?

No, we cannot.

You know the rules of this house.

RULE NUMBER ONE: you do not leave your towels on the floor we'll get back to that, by the way RULE NUMBER TWO: home by 11:00.

- Are you kidding me?

- 10:00 if you keep arguing.

You can't give me a curfew.

I'm a 26-year-old woman, I have two children.

As long as you're living under this roof, my rules apply.

Mama, this is a tad overdramatic, don't you think?

You could've been dead and dismembered in an alley.

- Oh, my God.

- The Dionne quintuplets would be very disappointed in you right now.

I'm going to bed.

That's it!

I've changed my mind.

No Jack Paar for you.

- What?

- Because of your behavior tonight, I am not buying you a TV.

See?

There are consequences.

Lesson learned.

Good.

Now go to your room.

And if I see those towels on the floor again, you'll be air-drying for a month!

[QUIETLY] : Miriam?

Don't worry.

We'll get the TV in a couple of weeks, you'll see.

Do you want me to make us some cocoa?

No, thank you.

Well, if you change your mind.

Joel moved in with Penny, by the way.

JACK PAAR: I would like you now to meet a very, very funny guy.

Welcome, please, Don Adams.

[APPLAUSE, MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you, good evening.

As you probably know, some of the most successful television shows of the past couple of years have been about lawyers.

And, uh, in keeping with this trend, you know, like The Defenders and, uh I've got to get a job.

Hey, hey, hey I put on a fake smile And start the evening show The public is laughing I guess by now they know Ooh So climb from your high horse And pull this freak show down Dear Madam Barnum I resign as clown You said I was the master Of all I surveyed But now I'm sweeping up The last in line in your circus parade Children are clapping As I fall to the floor My heart torn and broken And they just scream for more Ooh If I'm not the sole fool Who pulls his trousers down Then, dear Madam Barnum I resign as clown You tread the high wire Between truth and lies Your safety net just walked out Much to your surprise Hey, hey Hey, hey, hey.