How do you feel about me dressing the salad?
I feel good if you think you can do it without overdressing it.
I'll probably just, you know, stick with this.
Perfect.
Um, so I know that this dinner is because you have some big news to tell me, and I don't wanna top your news, but, um, Ray broke up with me.
(sighs) - Can you believe that?
- Kind of, yeah.
I mean, you're, like, a horrible c**t to him, so.
I'm sorry, Marnie.
It's just this man drama cycle is so endless.
I can't keep up anymore.
Ray was supposed to break the cycle.
And besides, he was just supposed to be grateful that I even wanted to talk to him.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to top your news.
So, what do you got?
Well, um - I'm pregnant.
- That's very funny.
Not a joke, just what's going on in my uterus.
Holy f*cking sh*t.
Hannah, how did this happen?
How does anything happen?
I went to the Hamptons.
Yeah, and you decided just to not use any birth control whatsoever?
I told him to pull out, but you know I tend to swallow my Ps, so maybe he thought I said, "All out.
" I don't know.
Are you f*cking kidding me?
Hannah, the pull-out method does not work.
I literally know hundreds of pull-out babies.
You do not know a hundred babies.
Hannah, what are you going to do?
Well, that's the news.
I'm gonna keep it.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
Stop f*cking with me.
You're not gonna have a baby.
I'm gonna have a baby.
I'm into it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
You're old enough, so, yeah.
And, you know, on the spectrum of human beings, you basically have your sh*t together.
Plus, wouldn't it be kind of great just to have somebody else to consider?
I can't believe how supportive you're being.
This is a shock.
It kind of makes me want to do it less.
Oh, my God!
This is wild.
Okay, I have a million questions.
Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?
No, it's, like, way too early for that, but if it's not a girl, or like, the gayest boy in the entire world, obviously I'm gonna flip the f*ck out.
Oh, the father.
Like, is he gonna be involved?
Is he gonna help?
- I'm not telling him.
- He doesn't know?
No, I don't want him to be a part of the kid's life, so why would I tell him?
Because he's the father and he deserves to know.
That's a pretty patriarchal, old-fashioned attitude to have.
You are obviously going to tell him eventually.
But even if you weren't planning on it, your baby is gonna grow up to wonder, like, "Where is my father and why did he leave us?" Yeah, and I can worry about that when she can talk, when she's, like, seven.
And until then, I don't want to have to trouble him.
He has enough stress with, like, his, you know, water skiing issues - and his girlfriend.
- He's a water skier with a girlfriend?
It's my body, okay, and it's my baby, and I have made the choice that I am not going to tell him.
Okay, I take back what I said about you having your sh*t together because this is f*cking insane.
I knew that you were gonna try to be controlling and control the entire way that I brought my child into this world.
And I probably shouldn't have even told you until I was in labor.
MARNIE: Oh, my God, this is first trimester hormones, isn't it?
No!
(music playing) Okay, so, I thought we would start with "Whoa, Whoa, Wonderful.
" And then I think it would be cool to go into "Song for Marcus Garvey.
" Then I was thinking we'd do "The Boys at Home.
" I ain't singing no w*r stories tonight.
Uh-uh.
Okay, what about "Coco Kelly Shelly"?
What the f*ck did you just do?
That's a rental!
You know what?
(sucks teeth) I can't do this right now.
I'm feeling really overworked.
Sorry.
We haven't done a show in two weeks and you don't have any other job.
- Yeah.
- What are you working on?
You know what?
I've been thinking about this show for two weeks, okay?
And it's left me totally f*cking drained.
I got nothing.
Oh, Jesus Christ, just get through tonight and tomorrow night for Sharva's birthday, and then you - can go on a well-earned vacation.
- Excuse me.
- You can go on a f*cking cruise.
- Time out, Marnie.
Excuse me.
What's tomorrow?
My mom's friend's birthday in New Jersey.
We've gone over this.
- Is that a joke?
- Nope.
f*ck!
Marnie, I told you no more bullshit gigs.
- Oh, Jesus.
- No more bullshit gigs!
I'm tired of being exploited.
Exploited?
Rehab let me know that you exploit me.
No, no, no.
I see what you're doing.
Do not change the f*cking subject.
You're not getting out of this.
This show means way too much to my mom.
And her friendship with Sharva is pretty much all she's got left.
And by the way, not that you give a sh*t, but we are being paid handsomely for this and we need the money.
Oh, money.
Money!
Yes, the f*cking money!
Oh, the money!
Oh!
f*ck money!
(spits) Do you honestly think that I'm, like, dying to perform at some shitty club in New Jersey - called "La Vue"?
- I couldn't possibly imagine what you do or do not want to do.
You used to be a dream come true.
This whole job used to be a dream come true.
Now it is a bad dream come true.
I cannot believe that this is my f*cking life!
Where the f*ck are you going?
Taking five.
You know, maybe k*ll myself or something.
I'm not sure.
(sighs) What are you doing today?
Oh, I'm just interviewing this controversial app creator for "Esquire," and then I have dinner with my dad and Keith.
Oh.
Ah, my friend Carlos is having a hot dog taco party.
It's not hot dogs and tacos, rather, he makes the tacos out of hot dogs.
I thought I would go by before my shift at Bendel's.
Do you want to come?
I can't.
I'm on deadline for this thing.
Totally.
Cool.
Um, I just thought you would really like those taco dogs.
(laughs) For the record, uh, I don't think you're going to be a terrible mother.
You're maybe not gonna be the best, but you're certainly not gonna be the worst.
I mean, Candy Spelling is still alive, so.
Well, I wasn't trying to say that I was gonna, like, win any prizes.
I'm just not gonna, like, call my kid fat or let a teacher massage them or whatever.
Yeah, better than either of our parents did.
Plus, everybody I know with great parents is boring as sh*t.
You're right.
Like, remember that guy Steve I dated freshman year?
He loved his parents so much, he couldn't even get an erection.
Yeah, see?
People with great parents they name kid "Steve.
" Anyway, I just I feel badly for what I said.
And I guess if I'm being honest, I just I really liked it when we both didn't have anything going on in our lives.
What you said really scared me.
You made me feel like this baby was gonna end our friendship.
I don't want our friendship to end.
I need you in my life.
I need you in my child's life.
I want to be in your child's life.
I just don't think I'm gonna be a very good influence.
Neither am I, obviously.
(laughs) But our kid's gonna have great skin and be the right kind of slutty.
- "Our kid.
" - Mm-hmm.
- Love you.
- I love you.
To be clear, I'm not offering to pay for anything.
- Nothing?
Mm.
- No.
(phone chiming) - Adam will not stop calling me.
- Gross.
What do you want?
- ADAM: Did you watch it?
- No, dude, and I can't.
I don't have time.
I'm late for work.
(mouthing words) I love you.
(mouthing words) I love you.
Well, I think you should watch it.
Adam, I don't want to watch it, okay?
Great, you're stalking me now?
That's very three-years-ago.
- I appreciate it.
- I need you to watch the movie, Hannah.
- Why?
- Because it's a movie I made about us.
Like, for us.
And for the world.
But mostly for us.
Great, so you expect me to believe you made anything for me?
- That is very rich.
- Why are you avoiding it so hard?
It's not a big commitment.
It's just under 47 minutes.
I'm avoiding it 'cause I'd literally rather do anything else.
Like I would prefer to eat my own arm.
But maybe your resistance is telling you that you actually need to be watching it.
It's really not.
This is like when everyone was telling me I had to watch "The Wire.
" I didn't want to watch "The Wire.
" I don't care about that show.
- Why are you pushing me?
- Because I need you okay.
Becau 'cause I need you to tell me if it's real.
I made a movie about what we went through, okay?
An and I need you to tell me if I got it right.
That my memories are your memories.
You know, did I lie about anything?
I wanna know we felt the same things.
I guarantee you we did not.
Please!
I need you to watch it so I can move on and do my film festival submissions.
Submit!
Submit away, Adam.
Go to Cannes, I don't care.
But I think when you watch it, you'll be liberated from what I can say were, for me, some very painful memories.
Great, our relationship amounted to very painful memories for you.
- Such soothing information.
- Not the relationship.
The dissolution of a relationship.
Don't you want to stop carrying around all the baggage of our failures?
I think my film can grant you that.
I know it can.
- It can help you move on.
- I have moved on.
You know you haven't!
Look at yourself!
Look how angry you're getting.
- I'm not angry!
I have moved on.
- Well, I don't believe you.
Well, I'm pregnant.
What?
Yeah, Adam.
I'm two months pregnant.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Who's the who's the father?
Is it Is it Jan's?
No, it's not Fran's.
Okay?
It's not important who it is.
I don't know if I want him to be part of the kid's life.
I might not even tell him.
You can't do that.
Well, I'm doin' it.
Wait, Hannah.
Hannah, will you talk to me, please?
No!
Just for one second!
f*ck.
Yeah, I cannot believe that you got to rent out La Vue on a Friday night.
Like, that must have cost you a fortune.
Well, let's just say the owner owed me a favor for f*cking him.
- Ah, nice.
- Good Lord.
Oh, Marnie, don't be such a prude.
(laughing) Yo.
We sound checkin' or what?
Yeah, I'm just, um, waiting on my partner still.
I gotta split.
I gotta pick my girl up from the hospital.
Why don't you just get her an Uber?
He's not here in five minutes, I bounce.
- Wow.
- For very real.
- MARNIE: All right, dude.
- I'll talk to him.
- Yeah, I'll talk to him, too.
Aah!
- Mom, that is gross.
Well you are basically an hour late.
(scoffs) Marn you're lucky I came at all.
Oh, yes, I'm so grateful that you showed up to your m*therf*cking job.
This isn't my job.
I did not sign up for all of this.
Well, you signed a contract with a record label and then you opted to do a tri-state tour, so I don't really know what you thought you were signing up for.
(mumbling incoherently) Desi?
Desi.
(snapping) What the f*ck is wrong with you?
I can't believe I'm in f*cking New Jersey right now.
Did you get any sleep last night?
(groaning) - What am I doing?
- Oh, my God.
Okay.
If you actually care about being a musician, I feel like you need to start showing up places, doing this sh*t I'm not a musician, Bella.
You're not?
Never have been.
Just acting like one.
Before that, I was just acting like being an actor.
Before that, I was just acting like being a big game photographer.
I'm always acting like I'm something, but now I'm, like done.
What happened to you?
So gorgeous.
You've gotta get down here and see his biceps.
It's unbelievable.
What's wrong with you?
- Let's do this.
- Let me call you back.
- No, no, no.
What's - Hey - What is your problem?
- Mmm Oh He is really high.
Are you f*cking high?
- Marnie, you should really know - Oh, f*cking Christ!
what a high person looks like by now.
Oh, God.
I-I-I can't believe you married that jerk.
Oh, my God, Mom.
I married that jerk because of the way you raised me.
Uh, what are you talking about?
Everything you ever did was for a man.
You realize you basically pushed me to get married, right?
Because the only thing that ever mattered in our f*cking household - was male approval.
And now I - Wha find myself on the wrong side of my 20s - Oh.
Aww.
- without a stead job or a relationship.
And Hannah is having a baby and I will need to be there for her.
And you two are preventing me from becoming the godmother that I need to be.
Hannah's having a baby?
Yeah.
(scoffs) That's a mistake.
HANNAH: I just kind of think it's, like, a lose-lose, okay?
If I tell him and he doesn't want to be part of the child's life, he's just gonna feel this, like, undue burden of having a child.
And if I tell him and he does, then what I am I gonna do?
'Cause I don't wanna sound classist or whatever, but I'm not raising my child half the year on an all-inclusive resort.
I'm just gonna, like, treat him like a sperm donor, okay?
And sperm donors traditionally are not told.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Well, you know, as someone who was a sperm donor, I can tell you I certainly did want to be a part of that child's life.
Do you have a kid, Keith?
Sadly, no, Hannah.
You know, my lesbian friends, Aminy and Roni (stammering) you met them, Tad, the pot roast people.
- Pot roast.
- Ah they wanted to use my sperm, but it didn't work out.
Anyway, after they started trying, they told me they didn't want to tell the child that I was the father, and it was extremely upsetting.
I mean, that person would have been a part of my life.
But, honey, this story is different.
The man Hannah lay with wasn't having sex with the intent to make a child.
Nothing about his life projects the idea that he wants a child.
Well, it still doesn't change the fact that the child will be his.
Hannah's already decided.
It's her body.
And I think we all need to do exactly what we feel is right for us.
I clearly learned that lesson the hard way.
Oh, well, come on, you can't you can't equate what Hannah's doing with your lifetime denial of being a gay man.
- They both involve personal freedom.
- You guys don't have to get - worked up about - Well, look at it this way, as a mother, Hannah has to decide what's best for the baby.
And not telling the father is what she's decided is best.
Are you going to tell every mother how to raise their child?
I just don't think she has enough information to make a fair decision.
She doesn't know who this guy is, what he wants.
I mean, I have a pretty good sense of who he is.
He wears, like, a puka shell necklace and his days off are Thursday and Tuesday.
Your mother tells me you're the next Jennifer Lopez minus the acting chops.
Yeah, that's exactly how I want people to describe me.
I was in a ska band when I was your age.
- Mm.
- It was the time of my life.
- So fun.
- And then guess what.
- What?
- It got even better.
(laughing) Anyway, for me, like, being in a band is mostly stressful because, like, it's my only livelihood.
Totally.
I remember when we were touring - with the Fugees, - EVIE: Mm!
I was so messed up, I got on - the wrong bus - Yes!
and had to hitchhike through Hungary.
- Wait, uh - It can get stressful for sure.
You toured with the Fugees?
- Just for a year.
- Yeah, she dated Pras.
Wow, sounds like you got a lot further than I have.
Well, if you're half as good as your mother says, you'll get there.
I'm excited to hear your sound.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm bummed it can't be tonight, but maybe some other time.
We have some other gigs, maybe, soon.
- What?
- Oh, you haven't heard.
My musical counterpart overdosed on some kind of, like, heavy narcotic.
I don't know.
Anyway, I can't really do it without him.
She's kidding.
You know, like, rock 'n' roll humor.
Aah!
- Um, ah, so, listen, um - No, I'm not why don't I help you set up?
I think it's about time to yeah, let's go.
- You're not wearing a watch.
- Well, I know what time it is.
Listen to me.
I convinced Sharva to book you over JC Chasez, so you have to perform.
No, Mom, I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
Desi's completely incapacitated.
I'm bummed out, too.
Um holy sh*t!
I can do this!
- What?
- I know enough of your chords.
I've memorized all the lyrics, so I can back you up, Marnie!
- f*ck, no.
- Oh, no.
f*ck, yes!
Why the f*ck do we stay open till 10:00 PM?
Anyone who's buying leather gloves after 6:00 is clearly a g*dd*mn m*rder*r.
I know.
And I have an audition at 9:00 in the morning.
Actually, since we're stuck here, would you run lines with me?
Just once through to make sure I know it.
Fine.
You're Dustin because I'm Lavinia, obviously.
Okay.
Oh, dark.
Okay.
So, you walk in shell-shocked.
And go.
Lavinia?
Lavinia, are you home?
Dinner's almost ready.
Dustin?
Is something wrong?
It was so dark, I didn't I didn't see her.
I She just she came out of nowhere.
Dustin, what's going on?
There was a little girl Well, what?
Tell me what happened!
What did you do?
I hit her.
I turned the corner and and and she and she was just there.
- I don't I don't know.
- Well, is she all right?
I panicked.
I was so I was so close.
I I c I was so close to home.
I couldn't focus, so I so I just came here.
You ran?
You hit a little girl and ran?
I couldn't stay!
I stopped by a bar.
After work.
I had one drink, but maybe - Maybe it was strong?
I don't - Well, is she dead?
- Did I get that line right?
- Yeah.
Dustin, did you k*ll her?
I don't know!
Well, what were you doing at a bar?
I was there to meet a woman.
(gasps) What?
(sighs) My whole life My whole life is is gone.
I had one bad moment and now it's gone.
(scoffs) Jesus, man, you're f*cking good.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, when you do the "And what?" do it here, but don't do it here.
- Do you know what I mean?
Like - Um Like to say it, but don't say it.
(knocking) Hello?
JESSA: It's me.
f*ck.
You're pregnant?
Yeah, and I also have a lot of work to do, so I can't really Can I come in?
Fine.
I'm hurt.
It's just really f*cking sad to hear it from Adam.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I really didn't want to tell him.
He was just following me down my block.
Why didn't you call me?
Do I really have to answer that question for you, Jessa?
(sighs) All right, Hannah.
(clears throat) Listen regardless of everything that happened, you are still my dear friend.
I can try and forget about you.
It just doesn't work.
Will you please be quiet?
I mean, come on.
Your "dear friend"?
We haven't acted like friends in a long time.
In fact, maybe not ever.
I don't think we ever acted like real friends.
Seriously, Hannah?
You can't just detach yourself from a relationship.
Unless you're some kind of psychopath.
Well, maybe you're a psychopath for just coming over here.
You know, and how are you gonna be a therapist if you can't even figure out what's going on in your own life, which is that I clearly didn't tell you for a reason, which is that I don't care what you think.
And I don't care about your feelings 'cause I don't really care about you anymore, Jessa.
Okay.
All right, so how's this gonna work, then?
What's the plan?
So I'm just gonna leave here and then you and I are gonna figure out some way that we don't ever see each other again.
That's the plan, huh?
So, bye.
Bye.
And for the record, I am a sociopath.
But you are a f*cking psychopath, and it's so much worse.
Everything that we did together happened, whether you want to believe it or not.
Whether you want to remember it or not.
And I am here and I know you.
You can't just erase people.
You can't just erase me.
That's not how it works.
I don't care anymore.
JESSA: Rest in peace.
- And I don't overthink it - Get what I want and I do it my way I never try too hard, I'm so awesome Can you cut it?
(music stops) What the F, Bruce?
Um check, check.
Check on the one.
- Tsk.
Tsk.
Tsk.
- MARNIE: Okay.
We are the Michaels Sisters!
(laughs) And, um we are gonna do a little set gig for one of my very best friends Sharva Pontemucci.
I did not know what a good time was until you came into my life.
I just wanna say that I am so happy to be a part of your party rock crew.
So, everyone, let's wish the sassy Sharva the happiest of babely birthdays!
(cheering) Okay, here we go.
On my count.
(mouthing words) Enjoy it.
EVIE: One, two, three, song.
(playing) I don't wanna dream if dreaming is without you I don't wanna run unless I'm running towards you Every single thing I do is all about you Every thought I have, I'm thinking what you might do I can't pretend that I'm fine Without you anymore 'cause (scatting) (guttural scatting) (scatting continues) Mom.
Plop, plop Beep, beep (groans) Adios, Marn.
(grunting) ELIJAH: I mean, (sighs) even if you're amazing at something, that doesn't necessarily mean that you should do it, right?
And if I'm saying that I'm a Broadway-caliber actor, shouldn't I only be auditioning for things that would take place on Broadway?
I mean, the only reason I would actually do it is because it would be, like, a favor to Padgett, because Padgett was like, "Oh, Elijah, ah, you reinvented the form.
I can't imagine this part being even played by anyone else.
I-I-I feel like you're the only one who could do it.
It's probably not even gonna happen if you don't say yes.
" So, I was like, "Jesus, Padgett, calm down.
Like, yes, I'll maybe think about it, but I just don't know if it's the best use of my time right now.
" And, plus, I'm a little on the fence with her commitment But it's veggie patty night.
Who are we if we don't stick to our commitments?
(line ringing) WOMAN'S VOICE: Poseidon Caribbean Paradise.
How can I direct your call?
Yeah, um, I'm looking for, ah, Paul-Louis.
I believe he's the head of the water skiing, ah, department.
WOMAN: Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm remote.
I'm just an operator.
You know what?
I'm just gonna try you back.
Don't even just forget it.
(keyboard clicking) - (moaning) - Oh, f*ck!
- Your p*ssy's too tight.
- (grunts) You have to fix it.
We have to fix it with your cock.
(both panting, grunting) Great, it's p*rn.
(panting slowing) MIRA: Jesus.
(panting) You make me feel so good.
I think you make me feel too good.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Well, maybe it is.
Why?
ADAM: I break things, Mira.
That's what I do.
It's why I avoided you for so long, 'cause I didn't wanna break you.
(exhales) But this, now so perfect, it scares me a little.
MIRA: The only time I've ever felt perfect is when I'm with you, and you're telling me I'm perfect.
I wish we could stay right here - forever.
- Mm.
That's a nice idea.
(Adam sighs) But I don't wanna get a UTI (Adam chuckles) so, I'll be heading to the bathroom now.
Bed's getting cold.
I got your honey, baby Every color in every shade All the swirly patterns they make It's like emeralds on the pavement Heart of some kind of flower, stuck in glittering - strands of saliva - (bell rings) I'm calling the police.
What?
Why?
Look at you.
You have no self-control, eating right from the bin.
It was one almond.
I am sick and f*cking tired of everyone acting like unrefined sugar isn't sugar.
It's the exact same f*cking thing.
You a writer?
Uh, sort of.
I'm trying to be.
MIRA: Ow!
ADAM: Good.
What?!
If it hurts, you'll always remember.
Okay.
In the waves Sets on the water Down in the deep, baby The current is stronger Ooh, it's stronger No, you're not gonna get what you need But, baby, I have what you want