Why is your ex trending so hard on Twitter?
'Cause Dill's the worst.
Elijah, please don't make me click on a hashtag.
Fine.
He wants to adopt, but he only wants a white baby.
And he got caught trying to buy one on the black market.
Ew.
Now I finally get why you dumped that sexy creep.
Yeah.
That's why I straight up ghosted his ass.
Hey, um, would you - Oh, you'd look so pretty in this.
- Mm.
Would you cover my shift tomorrow?
You're never busy in advance, just sick from your dr*gs.
What you got?
There's an open call.
Since when are you auditioning?
I thought you were scared you'd get too famous.
Well, to be honest, after college, I auditioned a bunch.
I just wasn't booking anything.
I remember I went on this audition for a commercial for Papa John's.
I had to say, "They stuffed it!" It was for the stuffed crust pizza.
And after I left the room, I heard the casting directors laughing at me.
I waited around all day to say, "They stuffed it," and I just got laughed at.
It was it was humiliating.
Dude, that's being an actor.
90% of my auditions go that way.
What's the one tomorrow for?
It's for a workshop of a new musical, "White Men Can't Jump!" Holy sh*t, they made that into a musical?
- Yeah.
- You're perfect for that.
You think so?
Of course.
You're the whitest guy I know.
Thank you.
Hi.
I'm Elijah Krantz.
- Hi, Elijah Krantz.
- No, don't talk.
It's not a f*cking AA meeting, okay?
They don't talk.
- I just talk.
- Got it.
Hi, I'm Elijah Krantz.
Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the p*ssy, the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curveball - (phone buzzes)
- high fiber, good Scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap.
Hannah, why are you looking at your phone?
(snaps fingers)
I'm so sorry.
By the way, that was amazing.
- You wrote that, right?
- Yeah, basically.
I Googled it.
What the f*ck, Hannah?
I'm sorry, it's just, I'm waiting for Paul-Louis to call me back.
It's really stressful.
What if he wants to, like, move in with us or something?
- Ugh.
- (loud knocking)
Do not let another homeless woman in here, please.
She was fun.
You know it.
Yes?
Can I come in?
Yeah.
No.
No!
Why are you here?
Everywhere I go, there's paparazzi.
They won't leave me alone.
I just got in my car and I started driving.
And then my driver noted that we were near your place and I took that as a sign.
I thought, this is probably the only safe place for me right now.
ELIJAH: Well, you've gotten yourself into quite a predicament, Dillard.
Just making trouble.
Yeah.
Look at you.
Look at your sad little outfit.
Look at your sad outfit.
What happened to us?
This is for an audition, okay?
I'm great.
Things are going great right now for me.
Why should I help you with your white-baby-buying scandal, huh?
You're right.
I'm sorry, Elijah.
Break a leg.
(mouthing words)
I don't know!
Dill!
(deeper voice)
Dill.
- You can come in.
- Thank you.
And I'm just kidding.
You look adorable in your little gym outfit.
I'm a street baller.
Of course you are.
Please wait in the kitchen while I speak to Hannah alone in the hall.
f*ck!
My whole day is f*cked right now!
(whispers)
What the f*ck am I supposed to do?
I feel like I just chugged a bunch of Robitussin or something.
Listen, calm down, okay?
He's, like, nothing.
He doesn't have any power over you.
He's not even super sexy right now.
- He's like a sweaty - Just stop it.
Just do me a favor.
Write down everything he says.
Write down everything he says, particularly if it's about me.
I have to go.
I'm late.
(breathes deeply)
I'm gonna have my eye on you, even when it seems like I don't.
Just like the rest of the f*cking Internet.
Do you have anything to eat that doesn't have an activity center on the back?
(breathes deeply)
(sighs)
What the f*ck?
EVIE: Hey, Marn.
Why are you wet?
Because I went on a run.
Why don't you just take an Animal Flow class at Equinox like a normal person?
Well, funny you should ask, because I had to cancel my Equinox membership and my CardioBoxFlo membership and my Animal Yoga membership because I'm f*cking broke.
And also, I'm f*cking evicted, so everything's great.
Marnie, are you seriously calling to ask for money?
Mom, it's just a small loan, just until I can get in touch with Desi and figure out what the f*ck is happening.
I'm sorry.
I-I just can't give you any more of my fun money.
I've already booked a trip to Montego Bay - and - What?
It's in Jamaica, and Sharva goes every year.
Are you f*cking serious, Mom?
Oh, okay, fine.
Just, like, enjoy yourself and totally don't worry about your daughter, who has nowhere to live.
Well, I have a perfectly good couch for you to sleep on if you're really that hard up.
(groans)
Mom!
And actually (gasps)
this would give us more time to rehearse as The Michaels Sisters!
Oh, my God, we are not The Michaels Sisters!
You know what?
You're basically forcing me to sell my Sweet Sixteen necklace.
How do you feel about that?
How does that sit with you, Mom?
Don't let divorce make you bitter.
Oh, God, those nails.
(chatter)
Hi, there.
Okay.
WOMAN: Elijah Krantz?
Yeah, I'm here.
We're ready for you.
Oh, no.
I just got here.
Great.
We'll hear your song now.
But I'm I am I'm sorry, I thought the I thought the monologue was was first.
It's not.
Can I have, like, 30 seconds to go to the bathroom?
Not really.
I, uh, it's an emergency.
Uh, not a bad emergency.
Just, like, a quick just a pee.
Just a super quick I can't Thank you.
Whoop!
Whoop!
Whoop!
White men can't jump Billy Hoyle, you'll never dunk Sidney's foil is a geeky white jump In the zone and he's taking it to the hole Oh, 'cause it's hard g*dd*mn work (claps hands)
Being this good Yes, it's hard g*dd*mn work Living in the hood We in the hood now, it's all good now 'Cause we f-f-f-freaky in the hood now Clearly you're here for the auditions.
f*ck, yeah.
Oh.
Good for you, honey.
I'm getting the f*ck out of here.
Where are you going?
The auditions are upstairs.
(sighs)
Yeah, I-I-I-I I gotta go.
But you're in your little basketball outfit.
Yeah, I am.
Uh Basically my ex showed up at my place this morning and has just destroyed this entire day for me.
f*ck that.
Men are only on this earth to buy us jeans.
I got to get out of here.
I can't go in that room and sing "Santa Fe" from "Newsies" right now.
Then don't sing "Santa Fe" from "Newsies.
" Sing some sh*t that's real to you right now.
What's your name?
Athena Dante.
That is a great name.
Yeah.
What's yours?
Elijah Krantz.
Eh.
It's a'ight.
Well, it's been working for me for 28 year 25 24 years.
Hi.
Hi.
So, this is the most valuable thing I own.
Um, but I'm selling it because my freedom is more precious to me than a precious locket from the 1870s.
So here goes.
"Wild Bill" Hickok gave that to my great-great-grandmother.
I come from a long line of women who choose terrible men, but that's ending now.
Isn't it beautiful?
It's plated pewter.
You can see where the plating has chipped away.
Oh, no, no, um it's actually gold-plated platinum.
Apparently it used to be really common.
They'd put the more valuable metal underneath.
So this platinum is so fine, that they literally needed solid gold just to protect it.
Yeah, I'm certain that's not true.
It has a spring lobster clasp.
This is less than 20 years old.
So, what are you telling me?
That my mom lied to me?
Holy sh*t!
My mom lied to me when I was 16 and I still believe it.
She f*cking lied to me!
I bet none of my ancestors were ever even in the Wild West.
Half my f*cking wedding theme is a lie.
Jesus Christ.
f*ck.
Okay, I have to sell these, then.
My dad gave these to me when I got into college.
- (scraping)
- My diamond!
- f*ck!
- Glass.
Everyone in my family is f*cking lying garbage!
Every single person!
No wonder I married someone just as bad as they are, because it's all I f*cking know.
And now, I'm, like, on the precipice of homelessness and all I've ever done to anybody is love them.
All I've ever done is love somebody, and now I'm f*cking here.
What the f*ck!
Did you just roll your eyes at me, sir?
(chuckles)
I assure you, I did not.
Well, I may not know the difference between gold and pewter, but I'm not a f*cking moron.
- You just rolled your eyes at me.
- Please listen, lady.
Please?
I'm not leaving until you tell me why.
Why'd you do it?
It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of blaming.
Your mother, your father, your husband.
But nobody ever walks in here to sell things off their body who has done nothing wrong.
You know who comes into pawn shops?
Junkies, thieves, dentists who have lost their license because of sexual abuse, babysitters who have - affairs with the men that - Jesus, dude.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
I get it.
Do you?
Get it?
The liar is you.
WOMAN: He wants me to go outside and play soccer with him.
Like, in the park.
Oh, I hate it.
- Don't laugh, I hate it.
- Hi.
I just I mean, the worst Hello.
I'm Elijah Krantz.
Hi, Elijah Krantz.
Ah, what will you be singing?
Ah, I will be singing "Let Me Be Your Star" from the hit show "Bombshell" from the hit TV show "Smash.
" (piano music playing)
She'll do all she can For the love of one man And the millions who love From afar I'm what you've been needing It's all here and my heart's pleading Let me be your Star.
Okay.
You can stay for the monologue.
How far along are you?
Excuse me?
I have 14 Emmys.
I know when someone's keeping a secret from me.
Don't worry.
I don't want to buy your baby.
Good, 'cause I don't want to sell my baby, so.
I'm only, like, three months.
I haven't even told the father yet.
You're afraid he won't support you.
No.
I don't know if I want him to support me.
I don't even know if I want him to be involved.
- I didn't want to make this phone call.
- Whoa, whoa.
Hannah.
I like to live a life of acceptance, to flout tradition when I can, but there's one thing I know babies need fathers.
Mine left when I was three.
he just got up and followed the maharishi.
It left me totally incapable of accepting divine male love.
I'm broken.
You're broken and you thought you would fix it by buying a white baby?
Yeah, that's exactly what I thought.
I was gonna father that baby because I couldn't father myself.
Okay, well, what about moms?
Aren't moms important?
Uh, for six months.
Listen, Hannah, you need to think about the effect that this could have on your child.
What they might miss.
They could find themselves alone, aging, embroiled in a public scandal in Queens in an ex-lover's squat house.
Okay, we're in Brooklyn right now and this is an apartment.
It just sounds so much sadder when you try to defend it.
(phone chimes)
He drank my f*cking LaCroix.
You need to stop checking on your ex, man.
- He's gonna get to your head!
- He is in my head.
He drank all the LaCroix in my head.
(sighs)
Good d*ck is a prison.
All right, listen up, kids!
I got a list.
- All right, Allen - Yes!
- Micucci - (cheering)
- Frances - Yes!
Dunnigan, Eldridge, Kang, Jared, Zinman, Gillan, Villepique, McMillan.
TONY: Okay, so if she said your name, you can go home.
Thank you so much.
And the rest of you can head into the studio for the dance portion.
- (people gasping)
- He flipped it!
He f*cking flipped it.
Mm, I love that move.
Classic.
Yeah, "A Chorus Line.
" Best show ever.
I love this bitchy business so much.
(both squealing)
Well, that's easy.
(phone ringing)
Well, gotta take this call.
Hello?
Yeah, this is Paul-Louis.
Hey, Paul-Louis.
This is Hannah.
We met a few months ago.
I was writing the article about the surf camp.
I threw up in your bed You said I had, like, a lot of pubic hair.
Oh, Hannah!
(chuckles)
(laughing)
Hey, what's up, girl?
Hey, yeah, I just wanna preface this by saying this is a real no-pressure sitch.
Um, you know, I'm just kind of doing my moral and ethical duty to keep you informed and let you know that I'm pregnant.
From when we had sex.
So, from the sex we had, I got pregnant and and I'm gonna be having that child.
Whoa.
Uh, whoa.
Okay, what do you need?
Uh, need?
Uh, I don't need anything.
No, I know you're at the beginning of, like, a very exciting and illustrious water skiing career, and I'm not interested in creating any problems for you.
Wow.
Wow, ooh, are you are you serious?
(chuckles)
Ah (exhales)
That's really kind of you.
That's so cool.
Uh, because I'm not really ready to to have a kid.
And I feel like a POS telling you to get an abortion or whatever.
I mean, that's not my place.
That's that's not that's not fair.
I'm not, um Um, well, thanks for telling me, I guess.
Yeah, everyone said it was, like, so important.
Now I feel like maybe it was a mistake.
Oh, no.
No, no.
Hey, you know what?
I don't even believe in mistakes.
I really don't.
Uh Okay.
No, cool.
Well, uh well, good luck.
Absolutely.
I'll definitely, um, keep you in the loop if anything major, ah, goes on.
Or I don't have to.
It'll only be if that was something you wanted.
Cool.
Cool.
Um, hey, you know a name I always thought was cool for a boy was Grover.
Uh, okay.
So, all right, I'll go now.
Unless you want to talk more.
I mean, I don't want to be a d*ck about it if you wanted No, no.
I got out everything I needed to say.
Thank you.
Well, be good, Hannah.
DILL: Sounds like he didn't have much to say.
Sounds like he dismissed you the way I dismissed Elijah.
No, it went perfectly.
He doesn't want a kid, so he's not gonna bother me, so that's what I wanted.
I wanted it to be easy and it was easy, so I guess it's just a little sad - Shh.
- how easy it was.
Shh.
It's okay.
I guess I just thought I could be this, like, brave, cool, young mom with, like, tattoos and, like, a whole, like, you know, cool approach to things, and now I'm just feeling (Dill sobbing)
(sobbing continues)
What are you crying about?
It's just it's just it's just the same sh*t.
You know, sweetie?
It's we're just we're just children.
We're just we're just naked children.
(crying)
(Dill sobbing again)
(both sobbing)
Reviewing that part one last time.
It's window, front, one, and, look, two, up, three, and four, five, double pirouette, - then jump.
- (mouthing)
Jump.
Great!
Music.
(music playing)
- WOMAN: And five, six, seven, eight!
- (whistle trills)
(both laughing)
Yeah Yeah - Come on, yeah, babe.
- (whistle trills)
(squeals)
So good!
Nice!
Really great stuff, guys.
- Let's bring the basketballs in.
- (quiet groans and exhaling)
(music resumes)
(whistle trills)
Oh, sorry, sorry!
Golden Yeah - MEN: Yeah!
Whoo!
- Why?!
- Oh!
- Sorry!
Yeah, still counts.
Whoo!
- (chuckles)
- Hold your nose up.
- Yeah, babe.
- (music ends)
Hm.
- (sighs)
I know.
- Ugh, man, you stunk up the joint.
The last time I touched a basketball was the sixth grade where, then, I literally only touched it.
Then why the f*ck you try out for a basketball musical?
Because I thought the whole point was white guys aren't good at basketball.
Hey, what you doing now?
You wanna go to Starbucks?
I get 30% off all snacks that aren't seasonal.
- Do you work at Starbucks?
- No.
(chuckles)
I wish I was younger so we could hang out and it's not weird, but it feels weird.
(chuckles)
I'm sorry.
Plus, I have to go back to my apartment and make sure my ex-boyfriend didn't k*ll himself, so.
He's still at your house?
Yes, but only because he's hiding from the "Daily Mail" or whatnot.
Bullshit.
Dudes can go anywhere.
There's nothing but places to hide in this city.
He loves you.
Rawr!
- No, no, no.
- Yeah.
I'll see you at another audition, huh?
Or maybe at rehearsal.
- (scoffs)
Yeah, okay.
- Hey!
I might get cast in this show.
I nailed the first two parts of that audition.
And then how hard can it be to to spin a f*cking basketball on your finger, right?
I can learn that.
I could learn a new skill.
Reese Witherspoon learned how to sing for "Walk the Line," and she won a g*dd*mn Oscar.
I can do this.
Because you know why, Athena Dante?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I'm really, really f*cking talented.
I'm as talented as you say you are.
That's how talented I am.
Exactly.
That's how you gotta be, man.
It's never too late.
f*ck you.
I'm not that old.
Too old to be going to open calls.
You little bitch.
- (TV playing)
- (both laughing)
You don't think it's gonna be so good, the baby's talking, - but it's just like - Mm, Kirstie Honey, how'd it go?
Dill got us eight pizzas.
The pepperoni's in the bathroom.
Why are you still here?
I'm here 'cause I have something to say to you.
(sighs)
There's nothing like a public shaming to make you realize what's really important.
I cast you aside when all you wanted to do was love me.
It's funny, I I thought I came here to hide out, but I think for the first time in my life I'm ready to stop hiding.
- Elijah - Oh, okay.
All right, um (chuckles)
Dill, just save it for somebody who cares about current events.
Okay?
You came here to f*ck with me.
That's why you came here, to f*ck with me the same way that you f*ck with everybody.
But guess what.
You can you can't f*ck with me anymore, okay?
I'm "unfuckable" now.
So, yes, you might've thrown me a little bit when you showed up, but not anymore.
'Cause I I took my ball, and I marched down that court, and I f*cking dunked it.
Those are sports terms and I'm using them because I am my own teammate now.
Me.
Bam.
So good luck with your white baby.
(TV continues playing)
ELIJAH: Dill, could you please bring a pizza in here?
Hey, Desi.
It's Marnie.
Um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm assuming responsibility for my own life.
And, um, don't worry about sending me any money for rent because I will be moving in with my mom.
Um you don't owe me anything and, um, I'm really sorry that I thought you did.
Okay, um, I genuinely hope you're doing well.
Bye.
(phone buzzing)
(scoffs)
f*ck you, Mom.
- J - (phone continues buzzing)
This is Elijah Krantz.
Elijah, hi.
- Um, it's Tony and, uh, Patty - Patty and Tony!
from the soon-to-be hit musical "White Men Can't Jump!" Yeah?
So, I'm just gonna cut right to the chase.
You cannot dance for sh*t.
- We don't give a f*ck.
Yeah.
- PATTY: No, I don't care.
I don't care.
You have an element, this essence, that we really would like for you to come in and read for our producers.
- Just read the scene.
- TONY: Read the scene.
No balls.
PATTY: Mm, and the way you sang?
Beautiful.
Just tell them you forgot your ball.
TONY: Absolutely no balls.
We'll see you soon.
WOMAN: All righty, so Dr.
Kruskal will see you in a few minutes.
Thank you.
I've got a million-dollar secret Can't tell you what it is I'm keeping it to myself Won't give it away - I've got a million-dollar secret Hope I have the courage to keep it in Won't give in and just give it away If you really wanna know, baby Come a little closer And I'll whisper in your ear If you really need to know, baby Come a little closer And I'll whisper in your ear Maybe I'll have forgotten what I was gonna say But come a little closer Let me whisper in your ear anyway Mm-mm Anyway Mm-mm You can ask over and over But I'm not ready to tell 'Cause I'll have all your attention This feeling is suspended in air And I can keep it as long as I've been meanin' Have all your attention As long as it's a mystery