03x04 - Wag the Tongue Slowly

[bunniefuu]

Previously on izombie...

All three victims sh*t in the head.

They were k*lled because they were zombies.

Seattle pd.

I'm not the only one who knew I had brain eaters living next door.

See?

Message board.

I promised Natalie I'd be the first thing she saw when she defrosted.

I need to find her before things go south for me.

- How long do I have?

- Weeks.

I've developed a serum that could potentially undo the memory loss that accompanies the second zombie cure.

The way we left things, I didn't think you...

Don't!

So, doc.

How's my ticker?

Deafening.

Well, you don't appear poised to shuffle off this mortal coil.

That makes one of us.

The bad news is, all the memories you lost when you took the cure that turned you from a zombie back to human?

None of them were restored by the serum you took yesterday.

That's not the worst bad news, from where I sit.

Granted.

But as you know, my other zombie patients would prefer to keep their memories.

So, how long before we know for sure whether the serum works?

Could be a few days.

Now, if you wake up Saturday morning and there's still been no change, I'd be confident the serum is completely ineffective.

And completely non-lethal.

All right.

I'm setting this for 6:00 A.M. Saturday.

- I'll let you know asap.

- Noon will be fine.

Meantime, you should find someone to keep an eye on you.

In case things take a sudden turn for the worse.

Morning, boys.

- Any old memories yet?

- Not yet.

It's still too soon.

Hey, thanks for coming out to the show last night.

And for only yelling "freebird!" Like, a dozen times.

Yeah, nice set.

Too bad this 24-hour party person couldn't make it.

Next time, doc.

Rough night, playa?

Please keep your rebuke to a dull roar.

I'll let god be your judge.

But let's review the facts, shall we?

First, you tell Peyton that you're in love with her, leaving her confused and speechless, and then you take home your old boss for a drunken hate-bonk.

And when Peyton shows up to say that she's ready to take a chance on pavi or rayton or whatever it is that you two would call yourselves, you kiss her, while your latest conquest is in the next room.

Not good.

I know.

Also, I believe god is a woman, so, you're really screwed.

Did you hear about yolanda's on-site with Dr.

klein?

I heard she sold him a dozen cad/cam intraoral scanners.

Honestly?

From what I heard about how yolanda closed, teeth aren't the only thing that Dr.

klein likes to drill.

Hey, you kids hear the latest on Rolf's green card?

- Did it finally get approved?

- I doubt it.

You know how Rolf's been telling everybody that he's Austrian?

Well, it turns out his grandfather was German.

Very German.

Make sure the camera gets your good side.

And save an everything for Felicia.

She's off her gluten-free diet...

again.

D'you know how Ron got his limp?

I didn't even know he had a limp, Cheryl.

Then you're gonna love this.

Supposedly...

Don't panic, people!

Come with me if you wanna live!

Come on!

That fire alarm is probably gonna be the most exciting thing that happens today.

Unless Earl comes by to pick up my quarterlies.

Felicia!

- You're so bad!

- Yeah!

Tell you what else I'd like to have Earl pick up.

Cheryl?

Swear to god, Cheryl.

My feelings about Earl do not leave this room.

You hear me?

Cheryl?

Seriously, jan.

Get it together.

Imagine being found like that on the office toilet.

One more reason to telecommute.

Victim's name is Cheryl Warren.

Single, age 39.

Top salesperson at dentelco, the northwest's leading dental equipment supplier.

Lab results show her death was caused by yogurt spiked with utopium, which reacted to deadly effect with Cheryl's prescription anti-depressants.

Well, no su1c1de note, and she'd just booked a vacation to Hawaii.

Could be what we're looking at here is an office prank gone wrong.

Someone slipped utopium in her yogurt as a joke?

A security cam picked up Cheryl removing the sealed yogurt container from the office fridge at 11:09 A.M.

Witnesses say she walked straight to her desk and started eating the yogurt.

But the tox results show that the utopium-laced yogurt that k*lled her was ingested a full 30 minutes after.

She took a half an hour to eat a yogurt?

Well, she was interrupted by an unscheduled fire alarm.

Triggered at 11:13 by a pull-box on the fifth floor, where Cheryl and the other sales associates worked.

Employees exited the building, remaining outside until the all-clear, at 11:38.

So, working theory?

A fifth-floor coworker pulled the fire alarm as a diversion?

Right.

Then spiked Cheryl's yogurt when everyone else had cleared out.

I'll start bringing in all the fifth-floor employees.

I'll eat Cheryl brain.

I'll wait for you to go Willy loman and depress me further.

Or sell me a spit sink.

You know the old saying, "a watched pot never boils," until its contents reach a temperature at which the vapor pressure of the liquid is equal to the pressure exerted on the liquid by the surrounding atmosphere.

It still doesn't seem real.

Fillmore-graves has got my unit on call.

In the next few days, our boots could be on the ground halfway around the world.

I should go in your place.

I've got nothing else to live for.

Your inhaler?

I think it's time.

Yeah.

Hey, Liv, are you still at the morgue?

These 17 syringes constitute the world's entire supply of the cure.

Side effects may include complete and total memory loss.

It won't be long before you have an episode too severe for that inhaler to help.

You keep it somewhere you can get to it.

What's up with you?

You look like the zombie who ate the canary's brain.

It's just...

Blaine and Peyton.

I saw them duck into the alley last night after his set.

No.

They were out there for quite a while.

Doing what?

You tell me.

Hey.

I was just thinking about you.

Well, that can't be the best use of taxpayer dollars.

I was doing it pro bono.

What's up?

I was just wondering...

What are you doing between now and Saturday morning?

Here's the latest on the tuttle-Reid murders.

I printed all the zombie-related comments from that online message board.

Here's your half.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

What do you think Cavanaugh and devore are talking about in there?

Probably the same thing we are, the tuttle-Reid murders.

We need to go through these asap.

Anybody who's been on that message board would have reason to believe that...

Wally's family were zombies, and would have known where the family lived.

Look for any comments that seem particularly murderous.

Babineaux.

Okay, dentelco's head of hr is here.

You ready to get into this?

You're sure that's what they're talking about in there?

Then what's with devore wearing a padded bra today?

What the hell is up with you?

The thing you should know right off the top, Cheryl was a huge gossip.

There it is.

Just the worst, god rest her soul.

An absolute nightmare.

If she wasn't such a tremendous salesperson, we would have let her go long ago.

But those big ears and loose lips of hers caused all kinds of trouble.

Such as?

Complaints from other sales associates, which I had to document.

Reprimands from hr, which I had to write.

Could we take a look at those?

Sure.

It's all in here.

Come to momma.

Jim Davies, in sales at dentelco for seven years.

And you worked in the cubicle right next to Cheryl for...

- The past five.

- Must've been tough.

Especially when she spread the word about your affair.

With a dental hygienist named Todd.

Thanks to Cheryl's gossiping, your wife found out about Todd, then divorced you and took your kids to Virginia beach.

His ex moved to Virginia.

She's with the FBI.

But I wasn't mad at Cheryl.

Actually relieved to be done living a lie.

Still, your desk puts you in the perfect spot to doctor Cheryl's yogurt during the hubbub, just after the fire alarm went off.

I was the first one out the door, and the first to make it to the gathering spot.

I'm sure your coworkers can confirm that.

Did you happen to notice who was last to the gathering spot?

- Pretty sure it was Pete.

- Ooh.

Pete!

Pete aboud...

We hear you were the last one out of the building after the fire alarm.

I was on the phone.

A sales call.

- So, you weren't in the kitchen stealing food?

- No.

I guess you stopped doing that after Cheryl complained so much about her food being stolen that hr installed a kitchen security cam.

The one that caught you in flagrante yogurt-o.

That all started when I ate one string-cheese of Cheryl's a couple of years ago.

Honest mistake.

But she made such a big deal about it that I just kept stealing her food.

Tell me about this sales call.

My numbers were down.

It would've been huge.

This bluebird calls from this new dental group in Portland looking to buy a dozen chairs with all the trimmings.

We keep talking 10, 15 minutes after the alarm.

She's ready to pull the trigger.

Then, all of a sudden, she gets a case of gelato feet.

"Let-a me run this-a by my-a boss." - She was Italian?

- Sounded like it.

This bluebird have a name?

Georgina galleano, at burnside dental associates in Portland.

I'll have a uni run this down.

Cavanaugh is dressing nicer.

You think he's been working out?

Hack, slash, hack, slash.

I mean, really, what's the point?

Come on.

The point is to use your wraith abilities to exact revenge on the forces of Sauron.

In the larger sense.

In a world absent meaning and justice.

In a world where Peyton, in front of you and Liv and my own eyes, actually defended Blaine for not wanting to take the memory serum.

Who is it from?

Blaine.

He got a brain order from Osborne oates.

That's the guy who bought Natalie out of the basement of Max rager.

He's back in town.

Hey...

You wanna come help me stake out his place?

Just look for Natalie?

I hate sex sl*very as much as anyone, but I don't feel like going out in public at the moment.

Ravi, it's a stakeout, all right?

We'll hunker down in my car.

You don't even have to wear pants.

Why not?

I've got nothing else to live for.

And we know you're good at waiting in cars.

Vicky Ernst...

It says here that our victim, Cheryl, outed you for abusing company sick-leave policy.

Sometimes, my boss makes personal calls on our office phone to england.

It also says here that Cheryl's tattling cost you a big promotion.

More promotions, more problems.

Am I right?

All right, here's a problem.

So far, no one's been able to place you after that fire alarm went off.

Did you pull it, Vicky?

It's okay.

You can tell me.

When the alarm went off, I was in the bathroom.

Alone.

I came out and I saw Jim running for the stairs.

- He yelled for me to follow.

- So, Jim could vouch for you?

That's right.

We went right downstairs and out to the gathering spot.

Rhonda saw us.

She was already there.

That's Rhonda...

Diaz?

You're saying she wasn't in the office when the alarm went off?

Maybe Rhonda had a better place to be.

I was at the coffee shop.

The one three blocks west of the office.

- Any way to confirm that?

- Yep.

I paid with my phone.

I have the receipt right here.

11:02 charge.

I heard the fire alarm go off when I was walking back into the building.

So, you went to the gathering spot.

Who'd you see there?

Jim and Vicky.

They got there before anyone else.

Um...

I'm afraid I have to ask, Rhonda, on the matter of motive.

We...

Um...

We know Cheryl found out that you had formerly worked as a, um...

How should I put this?

p*rn star.

Once she learned about your former career, Cheryl e-mailed your...

Filmography to your coworkers.

Yep.

That's the kind of gal she was.

So, you were understandably angry.

With a body like this, you think it's the first time I've had to deal with a hostile workplace environment?

There are, like, 80 movies here.

How long did you work in the p*rn business?

Five months.

We need to get Pete back in here.

What's this Osborne oates do anyway?

He's in the diamond biz.

A bond villain.

Good.

You think Natalie is somewhere in there?

He's got a wife and kids.

I doubt he'd have his mistress living here.

I figure Natalie's in a second location which Mr.

oates is gonna lead us to.

All we have to do is affix this GPS tracking device to his car.

The one parked behind those massive gates?

Dude, don't pitch problems, all right?

You're the brainy sidekick.

The guy with answers as sharp as his wit is dry.

Peyton, I have been dying to talk to you.

You should've seen ravi at work today.

Hungover.

Mopey.

Still hasn't showered by the looks of it.

Not to mention the smell of it.

Ravi can eat a bag of...

I didn't realize you had company.

Company with cocktails.

Old fashioned?

The drink, not the concept of a manservant.

I can make another.

Sure.

Ravi said someone should keep an eye on Blaine in case he starts to...

- You know...

- Die.

Yeah, that.

I offered up our couch for a few nights.

I hope that's okay.

- Okay.

- I don't wanna impose.

I will be out of here at dawn's early light on Saturday.

Hey.

Go time.

Then go already.

Did I really need to be awake for this part?

There's that dry wit.

Damn it.

We're losing him.

"We?" I told you to drive faster.

Get out.

Both of you.

Over here.

Now!

Grab some hood!

Major lilywhite.

If we ever see you again, I'm gonna k*ll you with this g*n.

- Got it?

- Got it.

Loud and clear.

Now he's got it.

You look awfully pleased for a man who just got kicked in the kidneys.

What on earth were you...

God.

The tracking device.

- I slipped it in his pocket.

- Are you mental?

- He just threatened to k*ll you!

- If...

they see me again.

We'll just have to make sure they don't.

Listen to me, major.

You're not responsible for Natalie.

- I made a promise.

- Well, of course you did.

She was gonna k*ll herself.

But now, you're the one acting suicidal.

You're not galahad questing for the holy grail.

You're don quixote tilting at windmills.

These guys are zombies.

They know how to eliminate zombies.

You're right.

I'll stay away.

Let's get out of here.

Victim's spleen appears abnormally enlarged.

You know what else appears abnormal?

The way Peyton and Blaine were acting last night.

Very chummy as they watched the usual suspects, and that is the last thing that I will say about that.

The loveliest trick of the devil is to persuade you he doesn't exist.

Five hundred and eighty grams.

Okay, one more thing...

So, remember how Pete "the string-cheese thief" aboud told us he was on the phone to his bluebird Georgina galleano, at burnside dental associates in Portland when Cheryl's yogurt was laced?

Yeah.

Well, turns out the only non-fiction part of that sentence is "Portland." Burnside dental associates, not a real thing.

Georgina galleano, not a real person.

Interesting.

Glad you think so.

On this thumb drive, one month's worth of recorded sales calls.

I'll review them.

Find out whether someone called Pete, or if he made up his whole alibi.

Boy.

Another binder?

Well, it turns out Pete and the other salespeople use company cell phones.

So we have access to all those calls and texts.

For you.

I will juice you like an orange, my friend.

Meanwhile, I'm still only halfway through my half of the zombie-haters message board.

No sex.

No intrigue.

Just "zombies bad.

Blah, blah, blah, blah." Liv.

Listen.

I found Pete's mystery call.

I like the ergo-matic's price point, Pete.

And here's the fire alarm...

Come with me if you wanna live!

Georgina, can I call you back in a few minutes?

I thought you cared about me and my business, Pete.

- I do, Georgina, but...

- Good.

So, do you think there's any wiggle room on the price?

Does it sound like Georgina is in on it?

Like she's trying to keep Pete on the phone?

And I just found something weird.

A text from Cheryl-outed-me, blew-up-my-marriage Jim to Cheryl-caught-me- abusing-sick-days Vicky.

The minute before the alarm went off.

Let's bring 'em in.

Ask 'em what that's about.

What am I looking at here?

That binder contains all the texts sent on dentelco phones this month.

The one we've circled is one you received from Jim.

Okay.

Jim and I text a lot.

It came in one minute before the fire alarm was pulled.

The entire text is a single exclamation point.

What was that about?

You said you were in a bathroom at the time.

You know, that's just this thing me and Jim do.

We send each other an exclamation point when we see something funny.

I read a lot of texts between you and Jim over the past few weeks, but this was the first exclamation point.

You sure this wasn't a signal?

Just one question, Jim.

The exclamation point you texted Vicky, what was that about?

Um...

That must've been a butt dial.

I'm still trying to piece together exactly what went down with Jim and Vicky.

Those two were up to something.

That's for sure.

I like them for pulling the fire alarm and slipping Cheryl the utopium, but I can't figure how they could've done that and been the first ones to leave the building.

My.

You will not believe what I'm looking at.

Rhonda was in p*rn!

I kid you not.

No!

I suppose I could put you on retainer, Mr.

racy.

But I would prefer you put me on your very large...

Clive!

I just had a vision!

Let me double-check something and I'll call you right back.

We need to find a Rhonda hardbody p*rn where she plays a private eye's sexy Italian client.

Why not?

I've got nothing better to do.

It's one of the movies on this list.

Focus on the crime thrillers.

So, ignore remakes of classics, such as the magnificent seven-way, bone-hur...

No doubt part of the criterion hard-core collection.

If you're not up to it...

I'll muddle through.

You see, I believe in justice, Liv.

I always thought I'd go for cremation.

But this ain't so bad.

What if I tortured animals as a kid?

Um...

They say a lot of K*llers do that when they're kids.

I'm sure you didn't.

What if my memory comes back, and I just see stuff that I'm unequipped to deal with?

That's not the Blaine I know.

You can't just assume the worst.

Yeah, well, the Blaine you knew k*lled people.

Okay, and behavior like that just doesn't come out of the blue.

A few of those people probably begged for their lives.

Maybe you'll find some good memories in there.

People you loved who loved you back.

You've taken the warped tour, Peyton.

You met my dad.

You got an inkling of what my childhood was like.

You get what you're hoping for, and I'll get back all the memories that led me to becoming a murdering brain-dealer.

Or, maybe...

Maybe your memories come back, but you stay this new and improved version of Blaine.

A boy can hope.

Okay, next thing we need to do is pound these breasts.

What did that poor chicken ever do to you?

It crossed the road.

And me.

Now it's payback time.

Hey, you two.

What's happening?

Chicken cordon bleu, that's what.

Wanna get in on it?

We bought enough pour toi.

In that case, merci.

But first, I must visit your salle de bain.

So, is he remembering stuff?

Still nothing.

You realize if he doesn't get something soon, I'm gonna stay like this and the major we know will disappear.

I know.

I hope so.

Starting to wonder if you've lost sight of the big picture here.

What do you two want to show me?

Rhonda in the role of lady effamia duro, looking for her husband's k*ller, in the hard-boiled, triple-x thriller, hump me deadly.

Does she play it with an Italian accent?

And then some.

I found it after going through her p*rn-noirs.

The all-tease phallus...

Farewell, my lusty...

- Dial "m" for moisture...

- Okay, I get it.

Sorry for making you watch all those.

A welcome diversion.

I may have become Rhonda hardbody's biggest fan.

And here's Georgina's sales call.

I like the ergo-matic's price point, Pete, but how does it compare feature-wise to the royal brougham?

And here's lady effamia.

Right.

I suppose I could put you on retainer, Mr.

racy.

But I would prefer you put me on your very large desk.

The voices match.

Yeah.

If she didn't show up in your records, she was probably using a burner phone.

Does this mean you'll be bringing Rhonda back in again?

Would asking for an autograph be out of bounds?

Who doesn't look guilty here?

We need blueprints for the building.

It wasn't easy to cr*ck this one...

until I took a look at the dentelco floor plans.

You all had solid alibis.

Rhonda, you were out of the office on a coffee run.

Jim, you were leading everyone to the gathering spot and getting there first.

Vicky, you were in the bathroom, then with Jim.

But we finally figured out how the prank went down.

Starting with Cheryl making it to her desk with her yogurt.

Jim clocks her opening the foil.

That would've been key to make this plan work.

He sends Vicky the exclamation point text.

A signal for you to pull the fire alarm.

That's the cue for Jim to act like a hero.

Don't panic, people!

Come with me if you wanna live!

Come on!

Cheryl sets down her yogurt and follows her coworkers to the stairs.

Meanwhile, Jim's with Vicky in the women's bathroom, waiting for the coast to clear, as Rhonda, on her coffee run...

Using her dental equipment savvy and her sexy Italian accent...

Sets up Pete to take the fall.

His numbers were down.

You figured he needed a sale so bad, he'd stay on the phone if his desk were on fire.

While you, Rhonda, distract Pete...

Jim slips the utopium in Cheryl's yogurt...

Hoping to send her on a little trip that will make her the butt of office gossip.

Jim then joins Vicky in the freight elevator, the little feature I found when I checked the blueprints.

And which still operates even after an alarm has been pulled.

Which enables them to race to the gathering spot ahead of the others making their way down five flights of steps, and be vouched for by you, who resented Cheryl for outing your p*rn career.

Who wanted to get back at Cheryl for torpedoing your promotion.

Who wanted payback for her ruining your marriage.

Now, if you wanna see more of your kids, maybe you wanna make a deal on a manslaughter rap.

If so, I advise you to step right up.

I only need one of you to confirm the facts.

Or maybe you'll all decide to stick to your story.

In which case, you'd better hope we don't find some new evidence that ups the charge to m*rder one.

We thought it would be funny to take Cheryl down a peg.

None of us imagined she would die.

We were all in on it.

Vicky recruited me and Rhonda after a team-building seminar.

Rhonda got the utopium.

That bitch Cheryl screwed up our lives.

We thought we'd give her a taste of her own medicine.

Now, we're gonna spend years in prison.

She managed to screw us even worse from beyond the grave.

Just wait till I tell Felicia in hr.

Excuse me, sir?

Sir!

Sir!

Sir!

My god, major.

Sir, can you come with me?

Why did you come here?

Sir, I'm gonna have to call security.

To save you?

What the hell are you doing?

We need to get you outta here before your benefactor's muscle shows up.

And where do you propose I go?

Okay, I know a place.

It's an organized group of zombies.

They can protect you from oates and provide you brains.

You don't get it, major.

Seattle doesn't work.

This man, he will hunt me down.

So, unless your group of zombies has offices in Sri Lanka or the amalfi coast, I can't go.

- I can't walk away and leave you here.

- I agree.

You can't walk away.

You need to run.

You have no idea what he'll do to you if he finds you here.

I have a pretty good idea.

Don't worry, I'll figure a way out of this.

- Some day.

- I left you once.

I'm not gonna leave you again.

Okay, you need to go.

Now!

Here, let me give you this.

What is it?

It'll turn you human again.

Look, you won't need brains anymore.

You can go anywhere you've ever dreamed of.

I...

I'll be human again?

That's wonderful, major.

My god!

After a couple of days, the memories of your life and your loved ones, they'll all start to fade.

Eventually, you won't remember anyone or anything.

You'll be starting life as a new person.

Please go, major.

So, tomorrow morning you'll be in the clear.

Ravi says if I'm gonna get back any memories, it'll happen by then.

I'm sorry.

I want Liv and major to be human again.

I think I've kinda gotten used to them being zombies.

But I'm not the one who has to eat brains.

Hey, I get it.

I know.

Which is why I'm so friggin' attracted to this...

This version of you.

But what if we wake up tomorrow morning and that other Blaine is back?

I've been thinking about that a lot and...

I don't know.

Yeah.

Me, neither.

What I do know is, if this is my last night to spend with this Blaine...

I don't wanna waste it.

Me, neither.

Okay...

Okay, okay, okay, okay...

Okay, okay, okay, okay...

All right, all right, all right.

So, here's the thing, and I can't believe I'm saying this, I really, really can't, but, um...

Do you think maybe we should wait?

Yeah.

Yeah, we should.

No, we definitely should.

If we do anything and tomorrow you're a different guy?

Yeah, the old guy?

The guy that would never suggest we wait?

Yeah.

If you're him tomorrow, I'm gonna hate myself.

I would, too.

Except I'd be him.

So, I wouldn't.

All right, people, kevlar up!

This is not a drill!

This is the real deal!

With real b*ll*ts!

So, let's make sure they do not leave you real dead!

I found an interesting post from a zombie-hater.

And I'm finding my share of those, too.

Harley Johns.

His online signature links to a local g*n range.

Check it out.

We're just in time for their zombie apocalypse special.

Am I dreaming, or is there a beautiful woman watching over me?

Sorry.

I couldn't sleep.

I guess if I was dreaming, you'd be holding coffee.

So?

What's the word?

Nothing.

I'm sorry about what this means for your friends.

I'll start on that coffee.

How do you take...

Excuse me, Mr.

Johns?

Mr.

Johns!

I thought I smelled something.

Right on, white power.

I'm Dr.

Moore, with the medical examiner's office.

And I'm detective babineaux, spd homicide.

Hey, be my guest.

It's a bit more w*apon than you're used to, the sight's a little off, but you seem like a big boy...

Not bad.

Sight seems fine.

We had a few questions about something you posted online.

"Online." Online where?

You see, my interests run the gamut from full-auto firearm conversions to the sovereign citizen movement.

This was a message board where someone claimed to live next door to a family of...

Zombies.

It included a helpful map to their house.

The family was m*rder*d, you know.

Yeah, I heard about that.

The day before, you posted that you were "itching to put some b*ll*ts to good use," "perforating a brain-eater's skull." Well, it is on my bucket list.

However, at the time of the incident in question, I was with my family.

Klan rally?

We prefer the term "picnic." Listen, I don't know if those dead folks were zombies or not, but I do know this...

Zombies are real.

They exist right here in Seattle, right under our noses.

What makes you say that?

My brother Dave showed me a photo of a zombie.

It was gnarly.

Like him.

You know, just without all the holes.

Can we see the photo?

Sorry.

My bro took it to the grave.

This good man was k*lled by zombies.

The official story is, he d*ed in the Max rager m*ssacre.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks for your help.

That was the lab technician whose severed arm we used to access the Max rager basement.

I know.

It means this Harley character is no ordinary nut-job.

He knows there are zombies.

Hey!

If I ever run into their kind, what I do about it won't be your concern.

Why's that?

'Cause you can't m*rder what ain't alive.