01x06 - Pax Sopranos

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Sopranos". Aired January 10, 1999 - June 10, 2007.*
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Tony Soprano, a New Jersey-based Italian-American mobster, faces difficulties as he tries to balance his family life with his role as the leader of a criminal organization.
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01x06 - Pax Sopranos

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01x06 - Pax Sopranos


VIN: So...

...you know, usual girl stuff.

She picks up the dry-cleaning and shops.


Melfi has excellent taste, she only shops at the fancy-schmancy deli.

The kind with the Italian name but they don't have meatballs.

All right, what else?

What am I supposed to be looking for?

What's up with this cooz?

TONY: It's none of your f*cking business.

You're on a strict need-to-know, lieutenant.

I should knock you out for what you did to her date.


I scared your goomar's date a little.

What's the big deal?

- This guy still come around?

- No.

He's not her type.

He's a coward.

He nearly pissed himself.

Anything else?

I don't want to be here all day.

Yesterday she got off at and she went to bed early.

That's it?

That's it.

Here, buy yourself an iron.


Decaf, right?

So how was your college trip with your daughter?

I tell you, my life is like an episode of Provolone-something.

What's going on?

My wife.

All we do is fight.

And she's jealous of you.

Is that something that you feel or has it been discussed with Carmela?

She didn't know you were a girl.

You know, a woman.

Excuse me, a doctor.

Woman doctor.

- Why did you take so long to tell her?

- I didn't.

You spilled the beans when you called.

Let me ask you a different question.

Why a female?

Why a female doctor?

She asked the same frigging question, and I sometimes wonder myself.

- And?

- I'll tell you what I told her.

It was between two Jewish guys and a paisan.

So I picked the paisan.

What's the one thing your mother, wife and daughter have in common?

They all break my b*lls.

I know what you mean.

They're all Italian, so what?

So maybe by coming clean with me, you're dialoguing with them.

Let me ask you a question.

Why do you have me as a patient?

Most legit people I know wouldn't make eye contact with me.

But you...

...you didn't flinch.


SAMMY: Water's warm, come on in.

MIKEY: Hey, Sammy.

How are you?

- I was just gonna make some coffee.

- Yeah?

How's Junior?

Sit the f*ck down!



That's how Junior is, Sammy.

I'm with little Jimmy Altieri.

Yeah, you paying Jimmy for this game?

Huh, Sammy?


Are you paying someone for this game?

Now the party's over.

Junior Soprano is the new boss...

...and he ain't respecting old arrangements.

MR. CAPRI: Hey, you're lucky.

You stayed slender.

You could buy it right off the rack.

JUNIOR: I want something special.

The boys are having a little time for me.

MIKEY: You're wearing the suit to the dinner, eh?

These guys today want to be buried in a jogging outfit.

So how's your...

What's your oldest boy's name?

- Rafael.


- Yeah.

- Good kid.

- Yeah.

He lost his son, you know.

What do you mean, "lost"?



Just a f*cking kid!

A baby!

What are we talking about here?

You lost your grandson?

MR. CAPRI: What are you gonna do with these f*cking animals...

...these drug dealers?

He used to run around breaking b*lls.


My namesake.

Did you know about this?

What'd I say about this poison?

These kids shouldn't touch it!

I read the paper every day about these poor pricks overdosing.

He didn't overdose, he k*lled himself.

Fourteen years old.

- Jesus!

- Was this at Patterson Falls?

Holy sh1t, that was your grandson?

- What?

MIKEY: He took a designer drug.

Goes to the Falls, takes a header right off the fence.

They said the current bashed his head on rocks for days before he came up.

And meanwhile, this piece of sh1t...

...he gets to walk the streets and sell more of this stuff to young kids.

Oh, really?

What's this motherless f*ck's name?

- Even the coffee's old in here.

- How much can you complain?

Eventually, you've got a broken hip.

I want to give you a macchinetta.

It's the only way to get good coffee.

What are you wearing?

You smell like a French putain.

It's Canoe.

Johnny wore Canoe.

Morning, Livia.

- Oh, good morning.

- Morning.

- Yeah, hi.

- New arrival?

Go ahead, keep moving, fella.

I'm happy for you, Junior.

I know how long you waited to be made boss.

Just don't let certain people take advantage of you...

...like they did to Johnny.

What certain people?

Nobody got over on Johnny.

Nobody's gonna get over on me.

How's your Jewish friend?


What about him?

- Whoever heard of a Jew riding horses?

- He owns a horse farm.

He's Tony's friend, not mine.

- What have you got against him?

- Who, me?


Johnny liked him.

And my son thinks every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold.

Are you telling me that since I'm the new boss, I should tax Hesh?

Boy, Anthony must've really gotten under your collar.

Admit it.

You want to cr*ck his coglioni for putting you in here.

- What are you talking about?

- Yeah.

And I'm playing shortstop for the Mets.

All right, watch the b*lls!


IRINA: What is the matter?

Tony's cannoli doesn't want to stand up?

Tony's cannoli's tired.

But I can make it happen, baby.

I know.

Just, maybe...

So how's your job?


Since when do you care?

Can't I be nice?

All right...

...forget it.

You don't want to talk?


Here, go with somebody who gives a f*ck.

I'm not a f*cking whore!

Stick your money up your ass!

- I don't know what's wrong...

- There's nothing wrong with me!

Just wanted to talk, that's all!

Talking with you, I might as well be a f*cking dildo!

If you were a dildo, we wouldn't be fighting.

What does that mean, you f*cking refugee?

What does that mean?

Come here.

Want to fight me?

Knock you out!

You f*cking communist c**t!

TONY: Hey, hey, hey!


TONY: Yeah, same to you!

You f*cking b*rned me!

How you doing?

What do you got, Andrea?

CHRIS: Clabby?

GEORGIE: Hearts.

Jump in, the water's warm.

Child's play.

Pound a point.

- Hesh is outside.

- Tell him to come in.

He says he needs a word with you.

What the f*ck?

You eat more queens than Lancelot.

What's up?

- Let's walk.

- That serious?

- You spoke to your uncle lately?

- Junior?



I don't know.

Why, what's up?

- Your father was a fair man.

- What's that got to do with Junior?

Junior's not so fair.

Sometimes I wish you'd just get to the point.

What'd he do?

He's taxing me, Tony.

He's taxing you?

When did this happen?


Did you tell him you operate without tax?

That my father loved you and respected you?

That cents of every dollar in his kick is from you?

My uncle's boss of the family minutes, already I got agita!

What'd you say?

It's a reasonable request but an unreasonable figure.

What do you mean, reasonable request?

He's the boss now, Tony.

He calls the tune, we dance to it.

That's the way it's done.

You can either respect that or change the rules.

Tony, I came over here to tell you with all this bullshit going on...

...I can't stay in this area.

Where you gonna go?

Come on.

I consider my royalty checks.

I wrote six gold records.

No, a couple of black kids did.

You just gave yourself a cowriting credit.

Come on, Heshie.

I know you.

You leave this, you're gonna k*ll yourself.

How much does he want?


Plus, two points monthly on my shy.

All right.

Do me a favor, sit tight for now.

Let me think about it for a while.




IRINA: How was that, baby?

The best.

You are the best.

Come here.

IRINA'S VOICE: Tony, I love your cannoli.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Go back to sleep.

Sure you're all right?

So, what do you want New York to do?

Junior can't know that we talked.

He's gotta think that Hesh came to you on his own, by himself.

You are still running things.

The arrangement, whatever it is, can't be insulting to my uncle.

Hesh has got to pay something.

I just haven't decided what.

I gotta get back.

We'll talk later.

How's the veal?

It's like rubber.


Tastes all right to me.

Want something else?


Don't look at me.

Compliments of Johnny Sack.

Why don't you spend the rest of our anniversary with him?

I was over there for frigging minutes, Carmela.

- Don't do this.

- All right, Tony.

At least I know where I stand.

Why do you always gotta be so dramatic?

Oh, here we go.

All right, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.

You don't even know what you're apologizing for.

It's our anniversary, Tony.


Not yours, mine and Johnny-f*cking-Sack's.


I thought we could get a room at the Plaza like last year or...

I don't know.

I don't...

I'm sorry, Carmela.

I just got a lot on my mind and I'm not thinking straight.


...I'm sorry.

Should I call the Plaza?

Come on.

No, let's go home.

Hey, come here.

Carm, what do you want me to say?

Tell me.

I'm lost at sea here!

You've changed, Tony.

And I resent it.

It's destroying what little self-esteem I have left.

Sometimes I think you skeeve me.

I skeeve you?

You're the mother of my children.

How could I?

You see what I'm talking about?


"You're the mother of my children." I'm just someone you procreated with.

You know it could be the Prozac.

Ginny Torrelli's been on it for years, and she'd hump a f*re hydrant.


Melfi said it had different side effects.


She told you that?


Before we start today's session...

...we need to address the coffee.

It's not appropriate of me to take gifts.

- It's a cup of coffee.

- Let's just make a rule, okay?

No gifts.

- Does this mean I can't drink mine?

- No.


Oh, I'm sorry.

I usually have my answering service on, but I have a car emergency.


What does that mean, "diagnostic"?

I just want to know what's wrong with my car.


No, don't do anything.

No, I want to get a second opinion.

I'll take my chances.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

It's all right.

So how's it going?


Real good.

I think I may flush the medication, you know?

See if the changes I'm feeling are for real.

Why would you do that?

The Prozac seems to be working.

That might be the problem.

- It might be working overtime.

- What do you mean?

- I'm having a...

- Reaction?

You know, a side effect from the stuff.

We talked about that.

Some people get insomnia.

Others, a stomachache or headaches.

But it usually passes.

But are there any other side effects that you know of?

Some people experience a diminished libido.

They have a hard time getting or maintaining...

- Bingo!

- I see.

You know, not all impotence is a result of the medication.

- There's something wrong with me?

- Have you had a prostate exam?

I don't even let anybody wag their finger in my face.


I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed.

Don't apologize.

- Oh, boy.

- You got a nice laugh.

- All right, let's be serious.

- Hey.

I'm serious.

You know that depression is also a leading factor in impotence.

In the morning or at night do you ever have an erection?

You could set your clock to it.

Okay, so we know it's not a physical problem.

- Put that in after the credenza.

- Yes, ma'am.

What's going on?

Yeah, I bought some furniture.

Let's just move into Roche Bobois, save the delivery charge.

Fine, I'll send it back.


But you've been spending like a drunken sailor.

I said I'll send it back.

Mother of Christ, I didn't say that, did I?


You shouldn't be telling my uncle how to run things.

You think I got the b*lls to tell your uncle how he should run things?

I shouldn't expect to see the Statue of Liberty again if I did.

All right, look, Tony...

...Hesh isn't only a friend of you guys, he's a friend of ours.

Somebody has to step in so he doesn't get f*cked.

I never said, "f*cked." You should've come to me first, airing your dirty laundry in public.

How would it look if I went to you after I spoke to him?

Now he's got a point.

Bottom line is...

...what are we gonna do?

You have a suggestion?

If there are any flies on you, they're paying f*cking rent.

's a little steep for back taxes, no?

The percent of his action, that's up to you.

It affects Tony...

...as much as Hesh.

I'm not out to hurt anyone.

God forbid I get in the way of someone earning.

One and a half on the shy business and on the back tax.


Hold on to your cock when you negotiate with these desert people.


All right.





You want s*x?


Go back to sleep.


TONY: You know, you have a nice body.

You should make it work for you more.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you reveal too much.

You don't want other men looking at me?

No, when you're not with me, you do what you want.

But I'm saying maybe you could wear a nice businesslike outfit.

I think I could get into that.

- You want me to dress like a man?

- No.

I don't want you to dress like a man.

I'm just saying maybe wear something a little more professional.

Like you're in business.

- Well, f*ck you, Tony.

I'm no whore.

- No.

That's not what I mean, not like you're in the whore business...

Oh, forget it.

Come here.

Is everyone in my life bananas or what?

Get over here!

- Come...

- Go jerk off!


Go jerk off.

Look at this.

She b*rned me.

That's not good.

What led up to that?

Carmela can be pretty violent.

This added problem that I've been having...

...I just thought we needed to spice things up a little bit.

If it's not the Prozac, then maybe I just need a little jump-start.

I suggested that maybe she dress a little different.

- Something titillating?

- Yeah.

Maybe it'd help.

So I suggested to her...

...not demanded...


...you know, maybe dress a little sexier.

- But Carmela can be very sensitive.

- Maybe she felt it degraded her.

Not all women are into sexy lingerie.

It's not about dressing like that.

Then what are we talking about?

Some women are sexier when they dress simple.

You know, understated.

And I don't mean...

f*ck it, I don't know what I mean.

Like you.

How like me?

You play it down.

Now, it's obvious you got a k*ller body under there.

Don't get me wrong.

- All right.

- Not only do you play it down...

...but you're gentle.

Not loud.


Like a mandolin.


Unfortunately, we have to stop now.

I think it's important that we talk about this.

Do you think you could come back later this afternoon?


Till Tuesday.


Yeah, all right.

See you Tuesday.





MELFI: It's the oddest thing.

I've had this problem for weeks.

But this morning, I get in and it starts right up.

And then again at the deli.

Looks fine.

Are you sure?

I was told I need a new starter.


...as much as I might wish to rob you, I won't try to replace a new starter.

- What do you mean, "new"?

- New.

It has everything but the price tag hanging from it.

RUSTY IRISH: I didn't do nothing!

MIKEY: Poor kid committed su1c1de up here because of you.

- You f*cking know me!

- I know you.

Listen, big boy.

Listen to me, I'm gonna give you a break.

I'm gonna give you a break.

When I toss you over...

...when I toss you over, if you fly, I won't sh**t you down.




Well, my goodness.

What happened here?

Some sad sh1t.

m*therf*cker said he didn't want to live no more.


How much you give him?

I thought I was the only one Junior could make look like that.

All right, let me hear it.

Rusty Irish.

What about him?

Took a header off the Falls.

It's the closest that junkie ever got to a bath.

I got news for you.

That junkie was my biggest earner.

He moved more cards than guys put together.

And another thing: He should've checked with me before he did a favor for Capri.

You're losing me.

Irish sold Capri's grandson that sh1t.

- You created a Frankenstein in Junior.

- I created?

We agreed to let Junior have his day.

"Let him be the lightning rod, and when somebody goes down...

...he's not a young man with a family." We agreed.

We agreed, but who expected to get r*ped?

When Jackie was boss, it all evened out at the end of the day.

But your uncle, Madonna, does he eat alone!

RAYMOND: He doesn't even pass the salt.

What about Sammy Grigio's card game?

Mikey b*at him up.

That ain't right.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Junior had a position.

That game wasn't paying anybody.

The minute Sammy Grigio used Jimmy's name, it should've been end of story.

That's right.

- What do you want me to do?

LARRY: We made our bed, we sleep in it.

How long will we kick upstairs without it hurting?

Something, anything should trickle down over here, no?

All we want you to do is talk to him.

After all, he's your uncle.

Come on.

That's right.

LIVIA: Who is it?

- It's me, Ma.

- Who?

- Anthony.

Open the door.

I thought it was the Activities lady.

She's a real pain in the ass.

Playing bingo, Livia?

Oh, not tonight, honey.

You know, she's a degenerate gambler.



My son.


TONY: So how's it going?

Oh, what can I say?

Hey, this is great!

You only need that broken reading lamp you had by the phone at home.

And I got it downstairs.

I can bring it.



Oh, she's driving me crazy!

- Who?

- Next door!

There it is again.

That's enough water!

How much water does she need?

She runs the water all day.

Water, water, water!

I'm living next door to g*n Din!

I went to Ferrara's.

I got you biscotti.

- Almonds?

- Yeah.

All right.

Leave them there.

I'll take them downstairs later for my coffee.

Uncle Jun been by?

Oh, once in a while.

It makes him uncomfortable here.

He's got a lot on his mind.

More responsibilities means more headaches.

Better men than him had to work hard.


He'll be all right.

If he remembers who his friends are.

I'd hate to see him mess up.

He's been waiting a long time.

What do you mean?

It's not a business that forgives bad decisions.

And I hate to see him making wrong moves, you know.

- Especially at the beginning.

- Why you telling me?

Tell him.

Ma, you got his ear.

He listens to you.

I don't know that world.

No, of course not.

But if anything, you know, were to come up, that's all.

I don't want to get involved.

If you have something to say to your uncle, bring it up to him.

- Oh, I wish the Lord would take me.

- Come on, Ma.

There's plenty of nice gents that want a date with you.


I'm going downstairs.

I'm going downstairs before that che brutta Activities lady finds me.

You want coffee?

- Yeah, all right.

- Bring the cookies!

PHIL: Carmela, I don't want to sound like religion is a cure-all...

...but if Tony got more involved with the Church...

...it may help to expedite things in his therapy.

What's k*lling me is that this is a self-inflicted wound.

I pushed for it.

I could deal with the goomars.

I knew I was better than them.

As stupid as it sounds, I viewed them as a form of masturbation for him.

I couldn't give him what he needed all the time.

You're a man.

You know that thirst.

I was too busy with the house and the kids to quench it.

But this psychiatrist...

...you know, she's not just a goomar.

Now I feel like he's really cheating and I'm the one who's thirsty.

I'm not gonna stay in a marriage that's made...

Let's not even think about that.

Divorce is for those who never intended on dying married in the first place.

You know, Carm, we reap what we sow.

What do you mean?

You admit to accepting his dalliances in the past.


They meant nothing.

But you said it was like they were "lightening the workload"...

...providing a wife's duty when you were too busy.

You practically welcomed it.

Now, I want you to pray...

...to our Holy Mother, ask her for guidance and forgiveness...

...so that you can get through this as a couple.

You're not without sin in this, Carmela.

So she's out of control.

She spends money like we're the Sopranos of Park Avenue.

But you've noticed her.

Which may have been the point.

Look, before we run out of time...

...I'd like to discuss what happened when we were here last week.

How's your car?

Did you steal my car and have it fixed?

- We had an agreement, no gifts.

- I didn't want you to get robbed.

It was you.

You had no right to steal my car.

I've been scared to death.

- Why?

- Why?

It's a violation of my privacy.

What else have you done?

Answer me.

I love you.

- Anthony.

- I'm in love with you.

I'm sorry.

It's just the way it is.

- Okay.

Let me talk.

- No.

It's not the Prozac.

I dream about you.

I think about you all the time.

I can't get excited about other women.

There's nothing else to say.

I love you.

Let me start here.

I know this may be very hard for you to swallow.

But you're only feeling this way because we've made such progress.

- What?

- I've been gentle.

That's my job.

I listen.

That's what I do best.

I've been a broad, generic, sympathetic woman to you...

...because that's what this work calls for.

You've made me all of the things you feel are missing in your wife.

And in your mother.

You're making me out to be some f*cking mama's boy.

I'm a man.

And you're a woman.

End of story.

And this crap about Freud and...

...every boy wanting to have s*x with his mother, that's not gonna fly here.

I didn't say that.

I want to make sure we understand each other.

Yeah, we understand each other.

You don't love me.

You don't want me to come back anymore.

It's quite the opposite.

This is all a byproduct of progress.

Has someone been following me?

Okay, forget it.

I'll see you next week.


All right, let's go!

- Listen, Uncle Junior...

- You could've made the pros.

You could've done it.

You had a swing like Joe D.

- You're crazy.

- What?

You think I'm sh1tting you?

- I could barely h*t.


- Because you didn't want it.

Too busy chasing skirt.

Chasing skirt, your average was.


- Yeah, what happened?

- What did you want to talk about?


- You know, Augustus.

- You f*cking with me?


Octavian became Augustus.

Forget about that.

Bottom line: Augustus was a Caesar.

And everybody loved him, right?

- You know why?

- I don't know that I give a f*ck.

Everybody loved him because he never ate alone.


It was the longest time of peace in Rome's history.

He was a fair leader and all his people loved him for that.

Is this the one that they stabbed in the back?

No, that was Julius.

Talking about Augustus.

He shared his wealth and all his people loved him.

You said that three times.

I heard it.

His people loved him.

What's your point?

Remember when you told me about the bull and his son?

They're looking out at a bunch of cows.

The son says, "Dad, why don't we run down and f*ck one of these cows?" What did the dad say?

The father says, "Son, why don't we walk down there and f*ck them all?" I told you that?

"Why don't we f*ck them all." That's funny.

Okay, I get your point.

Why all of this f*cking Augustus-Octavian sh1t?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

You've been acting mezzo morto lately.

I ain't seen you like that for years.

I'm okay.

It's just bullshit stuff.

Don't worry about it.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm okay.


TONY: Junior took your and split it amongst the top five guys.

So he doesn't look greedy.

HESH: Smart move.

TONY: Yeah.

Your uncle may be another Harry Truman.

- What's that mean?

- Truman had a big job thrust on him.

He didn't want it, but in the end he made some pretty wise decisions.

Your uncle may be the right man.

I f*cking hope so.

I'll tell you, I don't want the job.

Let Junior die from the stress.

That's what gave Jackie the cancer, God rest his soul.

"Boss." f*ck it, who needs it?


It's nice here.

I can't stand the smell.

The sh1t, flies all over.

But I could watch them for hours.

There's a kind of beauty to it.

I envy them.

- I wouldn't go that far.

- I would.

They got no bills, no headaches, no family cazzi running around.

One horse likes another one, they f*ck.

That's it.

No problems.

No hundred questions.

No guilt.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

So Junior split my money and spread it around?

- Yeah.

- Five bosses, a pop.

Not a bad day's pay.

Still, I wish it wasn't your money.

You know, it makes me feel terrible.


You old f*cking Jew.

Here's my share.

I don't want to profit off you.

Never entered my mind.


Melfi, there's nothing there, you know.

You don't have to explain nothing, Tony.

In psychiatry, apparently what you're feeling is not what you're feeling.

And what you're not feeling is your real agenda.

- You're gonna stick with it, right?

- I don't know.

I think you should.

You do?

I was jealous.

- I should've...

- Wait, let me finish, Tony.

I've been thinking a lot about this.

I was jealous of her ability to help you.

To be a sort of salvation to you.

I talked to Father Phil and...

...I want to be that woman in your life.

Carm, you're not just in my life...

...you are my life.

Come here.


I'm no good at speeches.

LARRY: Owe him a dime, you'll hear some great speeches.


Shut up, let me talk.

Go ahead.

I was only kidding.

I'd like everybody to raise their glasses.

TONY: Okay.

Taught me as much as anybody, except for maybe my father.

Even if he wasn't my uncle...

...I'd be standing here saying: "To our new boss." Salute.


To Junior.


To Junior.

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