11x04 - Pool Party

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Lily, sweetie, do you want me to pack your bathing suit for the party?

Only if you want to wear it.

Is that the sass we love or the backtalk we hate?

- Unclear.

- Yeah.

You know, there's a fine line between quippy and mean.

I show her "Golden Girls.

" It's just not sinking in.

Okay.

Honey?

MITCHELL: Honey, it's gonna be fun.

- Longines said lots of kids are gonna be there.

- Yeah.

Exactly.

I'm not gonna wear a bathing suit in front of a bunch of judgy tweens.

Ah.

It's Daddy time.

Now?

Shouldn't we go talk to Lily?

Oh.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hey!

- Hey!

Aw, hell.

[SIGHS]

Honey, what have we always taught you?

Love who you are, as you are.

Yes!

Being comfortable in your skin is the most attractive thing.

I mean, look at us.

We're hardly Christy Turlington and Naomi Campbell Could've picked dudes.

but we know what we have to offer, and we're proud of it.

Look, it's important that you go to this party and you you feel good about who you are.

- I mean, you have a gorgeous body.

- No, thank you.

Yeah, you're a little hottie!

- Pass!

- I mean, if I were a cartoon wolf and I saw you, - my eyes would be like "Aah-ooo-gaa!

" - Stop!

I will go if you never talk to me like this again.

Hmm.

So, Mr.

Boss, how did I do at the open house?

Uh, honestly?

Your vibe was kinda tense and the staging was so-so.

This is big time, Gloria.

You're not a homemaker anymore.

I need you baking cookies, fluffing pillows, being bright and cheery for our guests.

Son of a preacher man!

Someone stole our sign again!

What kind of sick mind messes with a man's livelihood?

You're kidding.

Another one?

I'm afraid so, Lindsay.

Who keeps taking our signs?

Don't worry, Sam, we're going to find out.

Miss, do you have any enemies?

Are you in a blood feud?

Gloria.

Have you recently joined a political opposition?

I-I-If If I may Lindsay, we're gonna get you a new sign, um, find out who's doing this, and put a stop to it.

Okay, G, time to let you in on the dark underbelly of our business.

Someone is trying to take money from my pockets, and I need to find out who.

Do you need me to go and shake some trees for you?

I did that kind of job in Colombia.

I didn't get paid, but I got great references, and my cousin got to keep one ear.

Oh, I-I-I-I'll handle it.

- Okay.

- But I do need you to replace that sign ASAP.

A-A post without a sign is so humiliating.

Oh, did it sell?

No!

- This is anarchy!

- Oh!

Keep going!

My internship with Phil is almost over.

He said that he would hire me full time if I did good.

So, I need to find who's stealing his signs to prove my worth.

Luckily, I have a plan.

A couple of weeks ago, Jay put a tracker thingy on Stella because she kept getting out.

She was down the block, mooning over that Chihuahua again.

I mean, what does she see in him?

He thinks he's so cool with that dumb handkerchief around his neck.

I'm going to steal Stella's tracker, and I'm gonna hide it on the sign to catch the crook.

And then maybe Stella will get some alone time with her Chihuahua.

With that pushed-in face, she could do a lot worse than a Latin lover.

Here you go, Ms.

Dunphy.

Nice and hot, like you like it.

He's nice and hot, like I like it.

- Mom.

- Wow.

No, it's cool.

Time's up for dudes, not us.

I mean, how great is this?

The Dunphy ladies crushing life, having it all.

Okay, take it down a notch.

We know what you're doing.

My mom was trying to show us how great it is to be a working woman 'cause she knows how torn I am about leaving my babies.

It's like, oh, it'll break my heart to be away from them, but as a feminist, I want to show those snarky b*tches at the office how fast my body bounced back.

Mom obviously wants me to take this big corporate job offer I got, but they're all so corrupt and mercenary.

I want to use science to improve the world, like I did in Antarctica.

Back off, you disgusting snow chicken!

Do not [BLEEP]

with me!

Alex, Antarctica made you miserable, and, Haley, you were really blossoming at work.

And I get it, but I regret not going back to work sooner, and I don't want you to resent your children.

Like you did?

As was the fashion at the time.

- [CELLPHONE RINGING]

- [SIGHS]

Work.

Everybody needs Claire.

- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

- I love it.

Hey, Margaret.

What's going on, sweetie?

I'm here with our lawyer.

Apparently, there's been some kind of a data breach.

She'd like you to swing by.

Well, that's gonna have to wait till Monday because I am having lunch downstairs with my girls.

So, you enjoy your new hummingbird feeder.

I am loving those pics.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS, THUDS]

She's a bit of a cautionary tale.

Haley, you have to admit it feels good to put on nice clothes and get out in the world and not have anyone pawing at your boobs for two seconds.

Oh, God, yes!

Dylan is really going through something.

I think he might be regressing.

To what?

And, Alex, I know what that company is offering you.

Doesn't it feel nice to be wanted?

Of course it does, but I don't want to sell out.

There is nothing wrong with taking care of Alex first.

Hey, you can save the world on the weekends with all the money you're gonna make.

She works hard for the money - Sing it with me.

- We don't know what that is.

So hard for it, honey Are you making this up?

She works hard for the money Sorry to interrupt.

- Hi, girls.

- Hi.

I need to borrow your mom for a bit.

Okay.

So, you know how our smart closets have scanning cameras so people can try on clothes virtually?

- Uh-huh.

- Apparently, we have been recording people without their knowledge.

Or their clothes.

Oh, my God.

I have one of those closets.

Oh.

I-I talk sexy to the mirror in there.

What if those movies get out?

I can't have my mother seeing them.

- Okay, hang on.

- Mm-hmm.

Hey, girls, I'm gonna be back in a sec.

I'm just gonna run upstairs and sing "Happy Birthday" to Josie.

Just make her day.

God, work is so rewarding.

I almost forgot what her face looks like when she's telling the truth.

Yeah.

Come on, Manny!

Where the hell's your mother?

JAY: That's what you're wearing to my club?

I'm headed right for the spa, and their robes stink like old rich guys cigars, Scotch, and the panicked sweat of impending irrelevance.

Easy, Hemingway, we earned that smell.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- GLORIA: Hola!

Finally, she's here!

Hurry!

We're gonna be late!

I am sorry.

I'm only here for a few seconds.

I have to go back to work.

Again?

Jay, I finally found a job that I love.

That's why I've been humping my bust.

- Is that the right way - No.

No.

No, no.

It's not.

I promise you, I am all yours this afternoon.

- Eh.

- Stella, mama!

You're gonna take good care of my boys, right?

You're gonna take good care.

JAY: Don't patronize her.

Be a constant presence in her life or you'll stoke her abandonment issues.

Gloria's been working a ton, so I've been picking up the slack at home, which is fine.

It's just, even when she's here, she's not here.

- Guess what happened today.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

So, I'm at the park with Joe.

Now, you know all the nannies think that Dakota's mom and Luca's dad are "twisting the sheets"?

Well, this morning, they came together, sipping coffees, leaning up against the jungle gym, giggling like it's nothing.

- Now, they had to know what that looked like.

- [TV TURNS ON]

[CHUCKLES]

Ay, my little busy bee.

Tell me when dinner is ready.

You're the best.

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV]

Why, yes, Gloria.

This is a new track suit.

Thanks for noticing.

It's not that hard.

Oh, it's so hot.

I can't wait to jump in that pool.

I never said I'd get in the pool.

Okay, Lily, stop.

You are an exotic Vietnamese beauty.

Scarlett Johansson would play you in a movie until Twitter told her she couldn't.

Doesn't matter what other people think of us.

- It matters what we think of ourselves.

- Right.

LILY: Oh.

Great.

It's all gays.

I can do whatever I want.

- I'm invisible.

- Aah!

I'm okay!

Hey, girl, hey.

Hey, girl, hey.

Wait, what's going on?

I thought you said there were gonna be kids at this party.

No, I said young people.

Look at the pool.

It's boy soup.

I like me some eye candy.

Okay, well, we like actual candy.

- Okay, we we can't take our shirts off at this smoke show.

- Yeah.

Calm down.

You aren't even close to the oldest ones here.

Look.

- Oh.

- Oh, thank God.

- I was feeling - Well, I guess that - Mm.

- Okay, my grandma was right.

I ended up in Hell.

I thought about which of my competitors might want to take me down, and I kept coming back to one guy Gil Thorpe.

A man tells you enough times he's gonna "thorpedo" your career, you start to believe he might do something "therrible.

" Well, not this time.

Easy on the pressure there, Albert.

Sorry.

It's my first time.

- Dunphy?

- That's right.

Well, look at you landed on your feet after the real estate business chewed you up and spit you out.

It didn't spit me out.

I'm here to scare you.

By Sweeney Todd-ing me?

Don't emasculate my move.

I'm Celie from "The Color Purple.

" Now, stay still.

I'd hate for you to lose your head, like I lost my si Son of a Ah!

I dropped it.

Where's the blue stuff?

Just admit it.

You've been taking the signs off my house on Sycamore.

Phil, I'm gay now.

Between pumping iron and bummin' out my dad, I don't have time for our petty rivalry.

But if you ask me, this stunt's got Sue Liu written all over it.

Sue Liu.

Are you done?

I have a showing at 10:00.

Hello, Sue Liu.

Phil.

So glad you landed on your feet.

I'm still a Realtor!

Son of a bitch.

Can one thing go my way?

Penny for your thoughts?

Why?

It'd just be my penny anyway.

Obviously you're hurt because Mom's been neglecting you lately.

- Can I give you a little advice?

- Nope.

- Please don't ice her.

- I'm gonna ice her.

Jay, you're just gonna make things worse if you act like a child.

Hey, I'm a child.

That triggers me and hurts my feelings.

Damn hippie private school.

Who's gonna fight the wars, guys?

Who?

Rather than push Mom away, give her a reason to come home.

For years, women have been waiting at their door for their husbands, martini in hand, wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

Maybe it's your turn.

You don't want to see this in Saran Wrap.

It's a metaphor.

Come on.

Do something sweet, and I bet the whole thing turns around.

Who knows better how to love my mother, me or you?

You better get a job with mental-health benefits before all that bubbles up.

So, what is our legal liability?

- Oh, me?

- You're our lawyer, right?

Right.

Well, still getting updates, but so far, we know the Peeping Toms were a couple of our engineers.

Whatever happened to the good old days when people just drilled a hole in the wall?

That's the stand you want to take?

We can keep this contained, right?

I mean, our fingerprints aren't on it.

I'm super sorry to do this, but activate closet.

- [CLOSET BEEPS]

- CLAIRE CLOSET VOICE: Hello, there.

Are you ready to get undressed?

Why did I agree to do that?

Stand at the mirror and turn around so I can assess your body.

I'm basically a p*rn director.

What do we do?

Oh, me again?

Um, gosh, I don't know.

They don't teach you this at Harvard - or where I went.

- Mom?

birthday to you No luck getting people to sing with you today, huh?

Are you okay?

You seemed stressed when you left.

- No, I'm fine.

- Oh, no!

[HUSHED]

Not now.

The server with the dirty pictures got hacked.

They could be anywhere.

This is so bad.

Oh, me "not now"?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Hacked dirty pictures?

Mom, what is going on?

Uh, don't answer that.

She could be wearing a wire.

Oh, no.

It's just a bad bra.

JOSIE: Oh, my God.

The pictures from our closets are all over a Russian p*rn site.

Oh, geez.

My mother doesn't know I have a tattoo.

I knew I shouldn't have taken a corporate job!

Why didn't I stay home with my babies?!

Yeah, you were a bad hire.

Okay, come on.

Why don't we just tell Lily one of us isn't feeling well and leave?

We can't.

We just took a giant stand about loving our hideous bodies.

Dads!

Get in the pool!

- Oh, my God.

- She's making people look at us.

Okay, yeah, maybe in a sec!

Okay, we have to hide from her.

You have to admit, the irony of this is delicious.

Yeah, well, look at us.

Apparently we think everything is delicious.

I'm ashamed of how ashamed we are.

I mean, what other grown men would be so consumed by their own vanity?

BOBBY: Ah!

Close the door!

They can smell the decay!

It's just Mitch and Cam.

We were afraid you were one of the beautiful boys.

Please, I've never felt so hairy.

Well, get in line.

This queen only has one trimmer.

How horrible is this party?

I'm a skinny little girl with twig arms.

It's all anyone's talking about.

I told some twink by the crudités that I was swollen from a kidney transplant.

Well, then you have an excuse.

Let me on that elliptical.

I haven't felt this white since I loved the movie "Green Book.

" Alright, bronzer me.

And I don't want you to be stingy.

I want it everywhere.

Everywhere.

GLORIA: I replaced the sign and attached Stella's GPS tracker to the back, and then I headed home to Jay.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

GLORIA: Hello?

Hey, honey.

You get my text?

I did.

An eggplant and a peach emoji.

Does that mean what I think it means?

You bet.

I ordered eggplant Parmesan and peach cobbler.

Yum.

I'll be home in a few minutes.

- [DOG BARKING]

- Ay.

- What?

- Eh, nothing.

I have a flat tire.

I'm gonna call A. A.

to get it fixed.

No, Triple-A fixes tires.

A. A.

is that alcoholic cult, makes your friends no fun anymore.

I'll come fix the tire.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'll do it.

This is another work thing, isn't it?

I am losing you!

I am in a tunnel!

- There's no tunnels!

- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

I can't believe I even considered that for you!

Alls I'm saying is the other families had alibis, and you wouldn't be the first mother/son crime duo in history.

I told you, Phil, we didn't steal your sign.

We slept in this morning.

Mother and I went clubbing last night.

We went looking for a husband but lost ourselves on the dance floor.

Nice try, but I'm not buying what you're selling.

Confess!

I can do this all day!

- Or - [VEHICLE APPROACHING]

six more times!

- [CAR HORN HONKS]

- GLORIA: Phil!

I'm tracking the thief that stole our sign!

Hurry!

He's getting away!

I guess this new information bursts my balloon.

I bid you good day.

Well, somebody should enjoy this.

- I'm hungry.

- Stella!

She's probably down the street playing with that greasy Chihuahua.

Where'd I go wrong?

Why doesn't she know she deserves better?

I think I have some old cheese puffs in my room.

- [DOG BARKING]

- Damn it!

How'd you get all the way across town?!

I'm coming, baby!

I'm coming!

Hey, J Nah.

Alex, what are you doing?

Turning down this job before corporate evil corrodes my insides.

And I am not leaving my babies so that I can be this stressed and miserable.

I'm going to jail.

I signed things without reading them.

What if I helped the pervs?

What if I put the g*n in their hand?

Doesn't sound like it was a g*n in their hand.

[CHUCKLES]

Solid.

Well, it's been a great 40 years.

In the words of my tattoo peace out.

Well Margaret!

Oh, it's okay.

I don't work here anymore.

- Yeah, I'm out, too.

- Yeah, I'm not going down with this ship.

No, no, no!

Stop!

No one's leaving.

We're not gonna let one little misstep make us forget everything this company has given us.

I loved being a stay-at-home mom.

I did.

But working here has given me a whole new sense of self.

And come on.

One mistake does not make us evil.

We will come clean.

We'll recall the product.

We'll do whatever we have to do.

Because under this tech B. S. , there is a company we love.

Look, we may no longer make smart closets, but we sure as hell are gonna make smart closets.

[CLOSET CHIMES]

Looking for a smart outfit?

Maintain eye contact with the mirror and begin stripping down.

I deeply regret that.

- [DOG BARKING]

- FEMALE VOICE: Approaching Stella.

Look!

That's him on the bike!

He's going off-road!

Don't worry!

I'm gonna catch this guy or die trying!

I love your enthusiasm.

One note, and and this might be a second-language thing, but when you say "die" No, no, no!

He's getting away!

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

JAY: Freeze!

Jay?

What a ray of light in a dark time.

Shut up, Phil.

Where's my dog?

And what are you doing here?

I thought you had a flat tire.

I had to catch the thief that was stealing Phil's signs, so I put Stella's tracking thing on it.

What?

What if she's down the street with that over-sexed Chihuahua?

Jay, she needs it, and you can't be her everything!

Turn around, punk.

I want to see your face.

Sam?

Why are you stealing signs from your own house?

Oh.

You don't want to move.

I don't want to leave my friends.

[SIGHS]

I get it.

Change is hard.

When I moved to this country, it was change.

When I got married and moved to a mainly white neighborhood with kind of r*cist lawn statues, that was change.

But we get to meet new people and we get to do new things that we love.

12 years ago, I didn't know these people, and now I would k*ll for them.

You'll find people like that, too.

- I hope you're right.

- I am.

So, now let's go.

Put that bike in my car, and I'll drive you home.

Gloria, that was so terrific.

I know.

I am wonderful!

Why don't you want to hire me?

Because I was worried that it was a hobby to you, something to do till you got bored, but today, you really showed me something.

- You're giving me the job?

- Yeah.

This means that I'm gonna have to work more It's fine.

If Sam can handle change, so can I.

Welcome to Dunphy Realty, Ms.

Delgado.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Delgado?

That's your working name?

Man, the hits just keep comin'.

Okay, before I do more, does this look natural?

That's a tricky word because the color orange does appear in nature.

- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

- LONGINES: Well, there you all are.

Look, I love you, but you are literally the only six people here I don't want in my bedroom.

Thanks.

We weren't feeling insecure enough already.

You know what I think?

You only invited us because we make you look like the hot old guy!

Old guy?

I'm not old.

Oh, please.

Hide that hairline all you want.

We know what year you danced on that Paula Abdul tour, and so do they.

Oh, my God.

I'm making a fool out of myself, aren't I?

- [DOOR OPENS]

- Straight up, now tell me.

- Hi, honey.

- Lily!

Hey, girl, hey.

I knew it.

You're hiding.

- No, no, no.

- Oh, no, no.

- T-They are, but we're not.

- We're not.

So, I'm supposed to love who I am, but you guys don't?

Hypocrites.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Tough love time?

We dig her.

It comes off a little mean.

She's not mean.

She's right.

I mean, why are we so obsessed with how we look?

So people will have sex with us?

But confidence is the sexiest thing.

That sounds stupid, doesn't it?

I'm sorry.

Look at someone else.

Okay, but you know what?

Confidence is the most important thing.

And look, maybe we've lost a little of our beauty, but we have a lot to be proud of.

I-I'm a vice principal, I'm a dad, I'm the city's first openly gay football coach.

And And I'm a state prosecutor.

Ronaldo has a business and a family.

And And Bobby I mean, sure, his career's not on fire, but he looks great, and he's 50.

I'm 37, you wicked old witch!

- [INDISTINCT TALKING]

- But But the point Hey, the point is, at our age, we have earned the right to be comfortable with who we are.

Now, let's get out there, set good examples for our children and our overly pampered pets.

You with me?

[LIZZO'S "BOYS" PLAYS]

I like big boys, itty-bitty boys Mississippi boys, inner-city boys I like the pretty boys with the bow tie Get your nails did, let it blow-dry I like a big beard, I like a clean face I don't discriminate, come and get a taste From the playboys to the gay boys Go and slay, boys, you my fave boys Boys Boys Boys Make a girl go crazy Four, three, two, ow Boys Boys Boys - Make a girl go crazy - Whoo-hoo!

Four, three, two, ow MITCHELL: The older we get, the harder it is to keep up with life's changes.

We hold on to who we once were like it's the only way we could be happy.

- Bye, buddy.

- Bye, buddy.

Bye-bye.

But there are huge rewards when we take risks, embrace new experiences.

I am a proud middle-aged man.

This is what I look like, and I think I look sexy!

Am I literally invisible to you people?!

- Whew.

- You know, I am so proud of us.

We overcame a lot today.

Yeah, you know, I feel so much lighter without all that shame.

Although, I-I guess it wouldn't hurt us if we were actually lighter.

Yeah.

I mean, we could exercise more and both eat better.

It would help if we got rid of some of these temptations, you know?

Like, we don't need three different kinds of pasta.

Right, and, you know, Parmesan cheese, heavy cream I mean, it's just empty calories and fat.

We're totally making fettuccini Alfredo, aren't we?

Damn straight.

We don't have another pool party for months.

- I'll salt the water.

- I'm gonna get wine.